Jean  2/10/00 I would like to hear some personal responses to my dilemma. If anyone is in my position, they may not feel free to share with everyone, so please write rockdove for my e-mail. thanks! My posts are under Jean W. on these dates: 5-27-99 and 1/15/00. Thanks!

Ministers Wife  2/26/00 Our prayer group started out with a wonderful book called "What Happens when Women Pray" by Evelyn Christenson.  A lot of the women in our group were intimidated by prayer out loud and this book really helped them so much.  We met for one hour which meant that we got down to it.  We saw so many prayers answered and so many seeds planted.  0ur group started off rather large but dwindled down to the faithful few which was about 7.  But it was a truly blessed experience. We grew so much in our prayer time.  I pray that your group can learn and share as much as we did.  During this prayer time I had a fourth child and my husband answered a call into the ministry which led to his quitting his job and going to seminary, but my prayer group became my prayer warriors and will always be the ones I call first when I need intercessory prayer. God Bless you, I hope this helps!!!

Judy  6/6/00 I think you will really enjoy the book "What Happens When Women Pray" I suggest you have your group read it.  I have bought several copies on Ebay for 1 or 2 dollars.  They are usually 10 to 12 in book stores. I hope this helps.

Dee  2/18/00 First of all, Sue, I am sorry for the loss of your brother-in-law and family in the accident, and will pray for you and your church.  It is an awesome thing to step into another man's shoes, or in this case pulpit.  When the man steps into the pulpit, so does his wife so my prayer to Father is that he will grant you both the grace,  strength and provision necessary to carry on the vision for your church. The pressures and burdens upon those of us in ministry seems to continue to increase, but remember, these battles are not ours.  It was easy to slip into depression last year, transferring all of my frustrations and hurts over onto my husband, our church members, and the Lord, but thankfully, I sought out a Christian counselor who not only gave sound counsel, but knew how to pray and do spiritual warfare at a time when I didn't have the strength to do it for myself.  As you said Sue, there are times I feel that I could take on the world, then other times I feel like running away and hiding in a cave.  I told my ex-counselor, now friend, that sometimes I feel like those blow up clown punching bags, that when kids punched them hit the floor and popped back up for another blow.  But the important thing in that is the popping back up.  Each time we go through trials that make us feel like quiting or that we've failed, if we listen closely to the Lord we'll grow stronger in each battle.  I strongly believe that as the return of Jesus grows closer, we are facing things never before faced in the history of man, but God has promised us that He will do battle for us if we remain in His will and under the shadow of His wings.  What a great hope! And now, L.W., I'd just like to encourage you to go with your husband to your pastor and his wife.  Tell them how you are feeling and ask where they feel that you could share your love and fellowship with your church members.
Over the years I've learned that communication is of the utmost importance. And we try to have personal fellowship at different levels in our church, like sometimes our leadership coming to our house for a covered dish, then once a month the whole church shares a covered dish lunch following the morning service.  You didn't say in your e-mail, but do you and your husband call others and get together with anyone other than services?  I don't know how long you've been at your church, but I am a firm believer that you can be friends with your own members, but not on the same level as a confidant or "best friend" type of relationship.  Usually, when a leader tries to be  too intimately involved with women in the church it backfires somewhere down the road.  Either others get jealous of your relationship with one person, or sometimes things get shared that get misunderstood and taken out of context, causing problems.  Can you spend time with your pastor's wife or are there any other ladies near you that you can get together with?  I know that feeling of being lonely you spoke of, and it can be very painful. I'd love to be able to put my arm around your shoulder and take you out for a cup of tea, but since that's impossible, I offer my prayer that God send you a true and trustworthy friend who can pray with you as well as spend a nice long day with you at a mall or a park!  And for your husband as well, that the Lord rewards his desire to be of service by showing him how his giftings and love can best be utilized for the kingdom!  Be encouraged, my sister.  You're not really alone!  There are thousands of us pastors wives walking arm in arm in the Spirit!   Blessings to all of my sisters in Christ!

Cathy  2/17/00 Listen, I understand your frustrations but there is much to be done on God's program.  The church is the only organization where there is never any unemloyment.  First, you need to talk with God about your gifts and talents.  Find out where you fit in with God's plan.  Notice that I said Gods plan and not man's plan because may will never fit you into their agendas.  Once you have discovered your place then I feel that you should act on it by talking with your husband and pastor about your gifts.  Ask
your pastor where could you work in order to assist in the ministry. After all, he is the pastor and you must first show your submission to him before starting a ministry.  The more you become involved with the members the more they will feel comfortable in calling and sharing with you.  Most congregations are more loyal to the Senior Pastor than any other person. This does not take away from your spiritual abilities.  Personally, I feel that you and your husband could work great as a team in the ministry.  It is good to know that you want to be invovled because I have met so many minister's wives who lack the desire to do anything.  Don't hold back on your abilities!  Others may not be aware of what you have and desire to do.  Try talking with your pastor's wife to develop a strong spiritual relationship so that you don't feel left out. I encourage you to stay in the ministry.  God chose you to be the wife of a minister.  It is an honor and a blessing to be called to this type of service.  Believe in yourself.  Study God's word and allow the Holy Spirit to work in the both of your lives.  Feel free to e-mail me by getting my address from Rock Dove.  I am 28 years old and we have been in the ministry for about 7 years.  I have experienced much since he was called to pastor. I will continue to pray for you and hope that you will grow stronger and stronger.  Remember, fight the good fight of faith!

lara  3/29/00 I would be interested in the Bible Book Club if you are still interested in doing it.  I am engaged to a pastor but this board has been very encouraging to me.  I have always wanted to read through the Bible, but I never seem to be able to do it.  I think that I could do it if I had some accountability like the Bible Book Club you were talking about.  I will also try to contact you by email through Rock Dove.

Iowa Lynne  2/26/00 God bless you, my dear sister!  People can be so fickle can't they.  In our circle of pastor's wives we have a saying, "They prophesy you in and they prophesy you out!"  It doesn't make the
trial any easier, but it is good to understand human nature.  Every pastor's wife has been betrayed and had people leave the church. It hurts! One of the things that my husband and I have learned is this ---- Hold people with an open hand!  They belong to God not us!  Keep your eyes on JESUS and your hand on the plow.  Jesus is our example in this.  Here He is with 12 disciples - and one of them is a  devil........  He treated them all the same.  The disciples asked among themselves if it was them.  Jesus
even washed Judas' feet knowing Judas would betray him.  SUCH LOVE.... SUCH WONDEROUS LOVE!  People will always disappoint us.  When they do --- it drives us to our knees.  The pain is too great for us to bear.  JESUS will NEVER disappoint us.  Stay close to Him, Wynnette.  He will help you.  He will help you heal, too.  He will give you beauty for ashes --- the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.  IF GOD BE FOR US WHO CAN BE AGAINST US! Let us know how you are doing.  Weeping may endure for the night but JOY cometh in the morning.   Love you, my precious sister-in-Christ

Wynnette  3/1/00 Thank you, Iowa Lynne, for your kind and wise words of wisdom. It really helped me look at our situation with a totally different perspective.  I really liked what you said about "holding people with an open hand" because they don't belong to us.  How true and I will remember this in the future.  Things are a little better.  The sister I mentioned in my note finally put her phone back on the hook and we have been communicating.  I'm glad I received your response before I talked to her.  I prayed and asked God to give me wisdom and He did.  I love her but I won't hold her as tightly as I did because I know now that she (and all the other sheep) belong to God, not me!  Thank you again and thank all my
sisters who I know were lifting me and my husband up in prayer.  You are priceless.

Peggy from Ohio  3/5/00  I was looking for information on raccoons for my 9 year old son's school report when I happened across this site for Pastor's Wives.  I am overwhelmed and blessed by the honest sharing  that goes on here.  I have been a pastor's wife for 25 years. Our first church was very rural, small church, second church was suburb of a small city, third church was in NYC and now we are in a suburban church that had gone through a split before we came and we've just lost many members due to a conflict in our midst.  Oh how it would have helped to have such a site as this to share with other pastor's wives throughout the years.  You are not alone in your experiences. We were kicked out of one church for preaching the simple gospel, last year very few would talk to me because I minister to those in our church who were hurting because of the conflict.  We are not pastor's wives to please people...we are pastor's wives because that is what the Lord called us to do...we are to be obedient to what the Lord calls us to do, follow the leading of His Holy Spirit and trust him with the "fruit".  That is His job, not ours.
Be encouraged my friend, make some new friends and start again.  The Lord will heal the wounds that are created by the sheep. The sheep bite but they still need a shepherd. Pastor's wives frequently deal with lonliness...Jesus is the only answer for the lonliness and the sisters-in-the-Lord He provides for encouragement along the way.  I am so thankful for each one as they have come and gone. Each has given me a gift no matter how small or large...even if the Lord used them to refine me and draw me closer to HIM. (Iron sharpens iron) It hurts when they bite and leave but know the Lord will replace them eventually with another one. The Lord is the only one who is faithful....we are completely dependent on
Him. Rest in HIM. He is faithful! Praise His Holy Name. God bless you all.

Sadusee  3/24/00 People come and go in churchs all the time. Do what you can for them while you have them; love em, pray for em, feed them the word but don't take it personal if they church hop. The flock belongs to God not you or your husband We all are given different personalities and we relate better to some people more than others but it is not an issue of self worth. One thing I have learned the hard way is my worth is in Christ and the value he has placed on me ; not  in any one elses opinion of my preformance. The Lord values you and your husband God be with you

Sheila  3/30/00 My name is Sheila also ,I am 40 yrs old and had never been sick in my life untill,we came to this church  6 yrs ago.  I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but right after we came ,My children who, had never had asthma , had a bad attack 2x's and had to be rushed to er. I came down
with strep throat and it turned into rumatic(oops,can't spell) fever and the antibiotics cleard it for a couple of weeks then I had a relaps, that was worse than the first. About a year later I wa standing in the kitchen
, getting ready for church and sneazed and my back popped out of place, the pain was so bad, prescription meds would'nt help. I continued to attend church, and even taught a pastors wives class at a small local convention. I had to sit in a chair while I taught,and when I was finished I couldn't get up. I had decided I would be deformed for the rest of my life and would just have to live with it, since one hip was way higher than the other,and people looked at me funny.The doctors couldn't find what was wrong. It begin to get better and now I'm ok for the most part. Iam constantly aware that I can not move to fast and some days I'm so afraid it will come back.I have had 2 bad paps and had to have a biopsy and a small portion of abnormal cell taken out. I feel I have been under attack, because I am not satisfied with get by
ministry, I want to do something really great for God,and leave behind a legacy, I know God has a plan and I don't want to miss it. I do hope that you'll respond. I would like to talk to you .

CPR  3/7/00 DEAR SISTER IN CHRIST. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF BOUNDARIES? GOD DID NOT INTEND FOR US TO LIVE IN PERPETUAL MARRIAGE HELL WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HONOR OR SUBMIT TO US. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEPARATED FROM HIM YEARS AGO TO LET HIM KNOW THAT HIS BEHAVIOUR WAS UNACCEPTABLE! WE ALLOW OUR HUSBANDS - BECAUSE THEY CARRY THE PASTOR LABEL - TO USE AND ABUSE US AND THEN ERRONEOUSLY THINK THAT THAT'S OUR LOT IN LIFE AND THAT WE ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING WHEN ALL WE ARE DOING IS ENABLING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP TO LINGER ON. THESE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIP NEVER GET BETTER. MY HUSBAND BORDER ON THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE TOWARD ME AND MY CHILDREN. BUT, I HAVE LEARNED TO LET HIM KNOW THAT HIS BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE, AND VERY HURTING TO THE CHILDREN AND ME.  I AM CONTINUALLY PRAYING FOR MYSELF, AND THE CHILDREN THAT WE WILL BE STRONGIN THE LORD TO WITHSTAND HIS STINGING WORDS, AND TO KEEP OURSELVES FROM SINNING AGAINST GOD BY SHOWING SAME BEHAVIOR MY HUSBAND EXHIBITS.  IT'S A TALL ORDER FOR THE KIDS, BUT I HELP THEM TO SEE THAT THERE'S NOTHING TO BIG FOR OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN TO HANDLE! I AGREE WITH GOD THAT DIVORCE IS NOT AN ANSWER.  BUT, I DO AGREE THAT A WOMAN SHOULD STAND UP FOR WHAT IS GOOD AND RIGHT IN GOD'S SIGHT. ABUSE, WHETHER VERBAL, PHYSICAL, OR MENTAL IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FROM ANY PERSON PROFESSING THE NAME OF GOD OR EVEN FROM THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT GOD! I WANT TO HEAR FROM A MINISTER'S OR A PASTOR'S WIFE WHO STOOD UP TO AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND, AND IF THEY HAD TO, SEPARATED FROM HIM TO LET HIM KNOW THAT SHE WAS SERIOUS ABOUT NOT TOLERATING OUTRIGHT SINFUL BEHAVIOR FROM HER HUSBAND.  HAS SOMEONE OUT THERE HAD ENOUGH OF LIVING WITH THE ENEMY YET?  I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR REPLIES.

Fire  4/3/00 Dear CPR, I'm responding to your post. I've been married to a minister for 9yrs. I understand about living/sleeping with the enemy. I had to make my stand to my husband concerning his verbal abuse and other issues concerning our marriage. He did expect me to be quiet and let things slide but I held on to what the word says about Love and stood. I learned that "I" couldn't change things in my power, but if I just stood on God's word, "God" would make the change for me. Standing for what's right is not an easy task. The devil will throw all kinds of stuff at you to keep you from standing. But If you keep your focus on what God wants you to do, you can stand, and keep standing , and after you've done all to stand, stand therefore. We separated for for a while (he remembers how long, I don't.) and during that time God kept me in his perfect peace. I still went to church, did what I had to do there, kept my self looking good, kept myself spiritually fed, and participated in recreational activities to keep busy. Before I knew it my husband was literally banging the door down to come back home. We're still together and are still a work in progress. Through my stands in God's love my husband is realizing that his calling means function. Not a license or and excuse to do wrong. Through my stand my husband is also realizing that ministry starts at home. During our separation his ministry went downhill and he realized it was because how he wasn't treating his family as he should. During that time I never discredited him in front of the congregation, I never told a soul that we were separated and I still treated him with respect and love. I praise God for the strength that he gives me to stand. Through my stands I have encouraged the youth in our church. I hope this has helped someone. Also for those of who have been victims of gossippers and jealous women in the church, I been there too. This one young lady has been determined to tear my family apart and whatever else she can to hurt me. When I had finally exhausted myself trying to solve this problem, I turned to God and sincerely asked him to let me see this particular young lady the way he
sees her. I told God that I shouldn't have to resort to the kind of things she and others have, and that I didn't want to retaliate. Guess what? God ave me a new set of lenses and much more. He gave me a new determination, and showed me this young lady's pains. Through this experience, you guys, I've learned that "hurt people, will hurt people". From that day on all I had for her and others who set out to hurt me was love, love, love. All retaliation would have done was cause more hurt to them and my family. I'm
still finding out some of things she and others have done to sabatoge some of the ministris I started and some of the gossip spread. But since I decided to follow the Word's instructions, "do good to those who despitely use you", God has been faithful and just in keeping his promise made in the last part of that
scirpture "they will reap coals of fire on their heads". (I'm paraphrashing). I thank God for all you ladies who have shared your stories. I know that God will bless you.

Safe In His Arms  3/8/00  Greetings in the name of the Lord!  As my husband and I travel the road that you are just completing, I clearly understand how fearful it can be, and how doubt (unwelcomed) can join us during the journey.  However, when we are feeling scared or doubtful, we can always seek the Lord in prayer and through his Word, and God will give us the direction and strength that we need to carry on.  I have benefited from finding a friend in the ministry (through Rock Dove) who I can confidentially talk with about my feelings, and share in her wisdom as a Pastor's Wife.  I also talk with my Pastor's Wife on a weekly basis.  Is there another Pastor's Wife who you can confide in, within your community?  You asked about a chat for Pastor's Wives…Crosswalk.com offers a chat on Mondays (daytime) and Tuesdays (evening).  Keep the faith…God has promised to never to forsake us, and he has a plan for each of us, Sis.

Abraham's Sarah  3/12/00  How wonderful for you and I have to tell you what an exciting journey you have started on.  Two years ago I was starting that journey.  The day of my 17th wedding anniversary,  I stood with a positive pregnancy test behind my back, three children asleep, tears held back as my husband told me he was quitting his job in his family's business to go to seminary.  I had already calculated that I was going to be 40 years old at the time of this new baby's birth and now my husband was telling me he was going back to school for 3 years.  But God had told me a few months before that he would bless me if I was obedient to him.  I pulled out my Bible and started to read about God blessing women and guess what?  Children are a blessing from God.  Well I asked Abraham (my husband's new nickname) where he was going to school and he said "I don't know".  When I asked him when he was going he said "I don't know".  When he saw the positive pregancy test, I said"Abraham, I'm too old to have a baby!"  Well, we started laughing and we laughed for nine months.  I laughed so much during labor and delivery the doctors and my friends thought I was delirious.  We named the baby Jacob Isaac because we laughed.  We brought that blessed baby home from the hospital on Christmas Eve (One month before my 40th birthday because he was 3 weeks early but perfectly healthy).  And in June of 1998 my husband accepted the call to be a student pastor of two churches and started seminary in August.  We moved from a five bedroom, 3 bath home to a 2 bedroom parsonage.  I homeschool three children ages 17, 14, 8, and now 2.  Abraham is gone during the week but comes home on weekends.  He is so much happier since he started doing what God wants him to do.  But sometimes life is hard on Sarah.  Please request my e-mail address from Rock Dove I would really like to talk to someone from "Down Under" since my second child has such an interest in Australia.  She just requested and received an information packet from your travel commission.  I'll be praying for you and your family.  God Bless You!!!!!

Safe In His Arms  3/8/00  Sis, I am glad that you decided to share your comments with the group.  I am sorry to hear that you struggle with feelings of jealously towards the Pastor's Wife and/or other Minister's wives.  We must constantly remind ourselves that this is one of Satan's ploys to attack the church, from
within, but we can't let him have the victory.  It is common to admire positive characteristics in others, and see the anointing of the Holy Spirit in a fellow sister/brother, but remember that God has special plans for our life, our future, and what he has for each of us, is for each person alone!  Continue to seek God's guidance, and direction in overcoming these feelings.  May God bless you and keep you, Sis.

RE:In need of your prayers  3/8/00  I will pray for you.  It makes me very sad that you think you cannot have true friends within the church.  My husband and I have been ministering for over 10 years now.  There is nothing that can take the place of a true friend.  I would hesitate to call the "friend" who betrayed you a saint.  You must choose this person carefully, true, but you shouldn't isolate yourself either.  The one thing I have learned is that you have to be yourself.  Show the people you are "human" too.  Don't put on your "church mask" each time you step in the building and pretend to be perfect.  Be genuine, in your faith, and your relationships.  I think maybe your husband has some issues he too needs to work out.  I'm sorry he has taken it out on you. As the words of my favorite song say, "God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.  He works in ways we cannot see, he will a way for me.  He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side.  With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way."  Dear Jesus, I pray now that you will comfort this sister in christ.  That you will send her a true "heart friend" that will
be there for her.  Someone who will love her for who she is and will lift her up in prayer.  Comfort her through this difficult time in her life Lord.  Show her Your wisdom in dealing with the guilt her husband has
layed on her.  I also pray for her husband, that You would help him to see the pain he himself has caused his wife, his "gift" from You.  I pray for restoration of their relationship and growth toward the kind of marriage You want it to be Lord.  I pray that You give her the courage to lay her burdens at your feet daily and to walk in Your Holy Light.  In Jesus name I pray, AMEN!

Iowa Lynne  3/15/00 God bless you for your kind letter.  I look forward to one day meeting you in Heaven.  I enjoy corresponding with God's children.  I'm so thankful to belong to the family of God.  JESUS is so faithful to give us "like precious" faith.  How wonderful to belong to HIM.  Now I belong to JESUS --- JESUS belongs to me --- not for the years of time alone but for eternity.  AMEN......  God bless you, my dear sister in Christ.

JLM  3/17/00 Lara I can understand how you feel.  I recently married a pastor.  Before we were married I realized that I was going to need to sacrifice what I wanted.  I struggled with this, but I also was so in love with my husband that I couldn't imagine life without him.  I came to the realization that I had never understood how wonderful my home church pastor's wife had been...I went and talked with her.  She helped so much.  She pointed out that everyone (including me) expects their pastor to "be there for
them"...all I ever thought about was when he wasn't with me...I didn't think about the good he was doing by being with those who need him.  I will admit my husband is too busy (he is bi-vocational) and he is quit to run the the "squeaky wheels".  He is a pleaser and hates to disappoint. It is not my job to "change" that in him.  I have found that my job is only to love him and to pray for him.   Today, I had to have a medical procedure.  I told him about it several weeks ago but I knew he was really busy.  I went by myself.  He came to me when he remembered and just cried...he told me how much he loved me and that he felt he always let me down.  He was so broken.  Although I was upset...I held his face in my hands and told him I loved him...and although I hated the times when I wanted him with me...I couldn't live without knowing he was coming home tonight.  If it is meant for him change, then God will do the changing.  I will just continue to love him.

Lara  3/26/00 JLM, thank you for your encouraging words. They were really confirmation of what God has been teaching me.  I really need to pray more for my fiance. I was always upset because he was busy doing things for the church.  These were good things like visiting the sick and caring for the members of
the church, but I just felt like he cared more about them than me.  It is also difficult because at the present time we do not attend the same church and so we do not get to see each other in church either.  But my heart loves him so much that when we are not together, I long to be with him.  The Lord showed me that I should seek Him (the Lord)and spend time praying for my fiance.  I know that I can not change him and I do not really want to do that.  I too had two doctor's appointments that he was going to with me, but he did not make either one.  I waited for him at my house and had to leave because of the
lateness of the hour.  When I drove to the doctors office I thought maybe he would be in the parking lot waiting for me, but he was not there. I was heartbroken. But last week we were able to spend an entire day together and I am thankful for that time.  I am learning to appreciate the time that we do have together and not focus on the negative. Pray for me that I will be all that God wants me to be.  That I will be the wife that the Lord wants me to be.

minister wife (LO)  3/14/00  Iwould like to deveolp a relationship with other ministers wives. I've been very depress lately re:this role of being a minister wife. I been having such dry days lately that I don't know what to do beside pray. My husband  ministry is soo slow lately ,I feel that no one want to be bother with us. I'm afarid to talk with our pastor about ,could any one give me some suggestion on what could I do regarding my feeling. I don't feel like a minister wife ,this role seem to be boring there's nothing to do.Please help on  Bible verses ,books,etc...I turly love the lord,at this point in my life as being a minister wife I feel some days like giving up the role.I have read somewhere that there a prayer booklet please let me know where i can find it. love you all. Lo.

Brenda  4/6/00 Jan, I will be 41 the 19th of April and we have been in the ministry for about 2 years.  However I am also a pastor's daughter.  We are currently pastoring a small country church that averages about 35-40 in SS and 50-60 for church.  Please feel free to email me at my email address any time you
need to.  I would love to encourage you as well as listen.  Thanks, Brenda

Iowa Lynne  3/15/00 Thank you for your prayer.  I could feel it all the way in Iowa.  Great is HIS faithfulness unto every pastor's wife. God bless you!  Keep praying for all of us.

Iowa Lynne  3/14/00 Sometimes it does feel like we will "perish in the parish," doesn't it?  I remember my husband's first pastorate.  It just wasn't a "good fit."  We seem to lose more people than we kept.  We were only there around a year or so.  Then, he took his second pastorate.  This time...........  something clicked.  Not that there weren't hard times and some misunderstandings, but the people seemed to love us and we seemed to be able to be ourselves.  We've now been here 18 years.  It doesn't seem possible.  We are in a rural community so our little church will never be a "mega-church."  But it is God's will for our lives at this time.  My prayer for you and your precious family is that you will feel loved and accepted in the place that God plants you.  My heart goes out to you.  God bless you, my dear sister.  Keep your eyes on JESUS and your hand on the plow.  Rest assured that you will reap a bountiful harvest one day.  IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL WHEN WE SEE JESUS!

christine  3/15/00 I am in the same position.  The longest we have been in a church of our five years in ministry is 2 years.  The church we are currently at we have been here for 8 months.  My husbabnd already feels his time here is up. We just got a new Sr. pastor and I feel my husband is throwing in the
towel.  WMy husband is not a reall flashy kind of a guy and he doesn't play church to run entertainment.  He is a very good speaker and I believe God  has blessed him with wisdom beyond his years.  The only thing is that I have a hard time convincing him to persevere when things seem tough or a littl scary.  There are a lot of changes being made in our church rate now and I think it scares him.  It is emotionally difficult for me because i miscarried our second child last week and I am still dealing with the sudden loss of someone close to me.  I need stability and How much does God think I can actually handle anyways

Charlotte  3/27/00 Dear Pastors wife, My heart goes out to you! Three years ago my husband started a new church. He absolutely knew without a doubt that this was what the Lord wanted him to do. Fresh out of Bible college 30 years old and two children this just sounded like an impossible task. Of course as women we often think about the things that our husbands don't. Like will we have enough food, a house to live in, will my children get the education that we want for them, and so forth. It is a very scary expierence. I didn't want to do this. I was totally opposed to the idea even though the Lord had given my
husband clear direction. My husband wasn't forceful in putting this idea in my head. We both shared our
concerns and prayed. My husband couldn't change my mind only the Lord could and he did. With little faith in myself, a husband with a great vision, and 2 wonderful children we did it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if God is in control and you and I let him lead us that's what he will do. Will it ever be hard, absolutely.  That's when we need to be in constant prayer. The times that are the hardest for me are when I don't have my devotions, Satan just takes over. There have been many times I've wanted to guit and go somewhere else and have been very depressed.  I recently read a wonderful book called the power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian. It absolutely opened my heart and soul to the presence of the Lord. I realized that I needed to put pray first in my life. I couldn't change the way things were going at church, my husband, my children, Even nasty church members only God can. But what God showed me was that i needed to change my self thru pray with his help before everything comes together. Read Galatians 6:9 and Proverbs 24:3,4. It may not be your hearts desire to stay there in that ministry with your husband. I know it's tuff, but be submissive to your husband. God gives Him the direction in which he should go. Follow your husbands leadership in doing that you won't be held accountable to God at that point. If your husband is open to the holy spirit and his calling he'll make the right decision. We might not feel that way but it is true.  Eph 5:21-25 God never lies to us. Look at your husband like this, He is the head but you are the heart,by theirselves they don't work, it takes both of them. Here are some other verses you might check out James 1:6-8, Roman 14:23, Matt. 17:20. God loves you call on him to give you strenght and courage. Leaving your husband isn't the solution thats Satans. You see if you seperate Satan will have accomplished what he set out to do, bring another man of God and his family down. God never gives us more than we can handle. He must know you are strong enough. You can do it, every work together for Good to those who are called according to His purpose. Alot of the time when I get discouraged I tell myself this; Where God leads he feeds and where God Guides He provides. Just remember being a pastors wife if often harder than being a pastor alot is required of you. But IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO! GOD HASN"T LED ME TO HELP OUT HERE OR THERE. Alot is placed on the pastors wife in a new work pray about what God wants you to do and only do that. I do strongly recommend the book I mentioned. Most christian book stores have it because its a best seller. Again ask God for guidance and direction He will not steer you wrong. Your not alone in this you can do it. I hope I've encouraged you some. You will be in my prayers.

HELP NEEDED  4/3/00 Thank you Charlotte for your response.

georgia  3/24/00 I’m a senior pastor’s wife, age 30. Before becoming a full time mom, I was a full time geriatric counselor.  You may want to contact the local Office on Aging, to see what programs are
available to your community, especially for your church.  Many programs are free, for the elderly.  For people who do not qualify for these programs due to their age. I would suggest contacting your local Helpline to see what is available.  In the specific case you’re dealing with, I would try to contact a son, daughter, sister, brother, or cousin.  Who may be able to mediate between this woman and her husband.  Since you’re church is very elderly, you may consider starting a senior center (for them) and/or a caregivers support group for their children or the community.  We are now in what is called the sandwich generation, where most caregivers are not only taking care of their parents, but are also taking care of their children at the same time (Most people are waiting till their 30s to have kids).  By running such a support group for your community you can attract many families with children to your church
who are in need of such a group.  Also a senior center attracts the same families for the same reasons.  This is a great way to meet the needs of your church and bring young growth.  It’s also a great  testimonial to your community. I will be praying for you!  The elderly and caregivers to the elderly are dear to my heart.  Hang in there!

Iowa Lynne  3/21/00 I think there are many pastor's wives who can relate to your pain.  One of the things I am learning is that some sheep have horns and they like to fight.  JESUS has been dealing with me about not becoming part of the problem......  Not to stoop to their level of hatred, insensitivity, and immaturity.  I think one of the hardest areas in ministry to keep your heart right with God and man after "man" has cut your heart out.  It's hard but JESUS calls us to a higher way and HE is such a perfect example.......  "FATHER, FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO!"  Oh, that my heart would never hurt another they way some have hurt me......  JESUS, make me more like YOU!  I will keep you in my prayers, dear sister.  JESUS is with you....  He won't leave you comfortless.  Cling to HIM.....  He's called you to HIS vineyard...  He's the Potter and you're the clay....  He's making you a vessel of honor.......  God is at work.....  Just keep close to HIM...  He will give you strength to deal with all the scrub-brushes.

Sunshine  3/21/00 I've been there!  Probably all of us P.W.s have.  We recently went through a very painful time where a big group (20-30) in the church met at a board member's house on a Wednesday night to discuss leaving the church.  We had only been there about 3 months when this happened.  Before we came, a couple of groups within the church had been at odds with one another, and there was a lot of disunity, suspicion and unforgiveness. Some lies had been told about my husband, and one group believed them without checking them out first. A few ended up leaving, but some of those have come back.  The rest stayed and most of them have let us know that they support us now and regret the previous incident.  But enough about me--now for the advice part!  During this time, I felt like someone had died!  God had to keep talking to me about loving unconditionally with His agape (sacrificial) love.  This kind of perfect love will cast out all fear.  When people despitefully use you and persecute you, they aren't rejecting your love, but rather His love as it flows through you.  My advice in a nutshell is this:  Trust No-one; Love every-one.  By trust I mean "full confidence."  Never place your confidence and hope in people; they will let you down.  Put your trust in God alone! This doesn't mean that you have a "distrustful" attitude toward people; it just means that your security is in His hands rather than human hands.  Thank God!

3/29/00  I tried to reach you be email but you didn't leave an address.  I too work full time, will be going to part time after 12 years.  But with my marriage I added 3 children.  I do feel overwhelmed at times, especially since my husband is going all the time and survives on very little sleep !!  I sat down with him and told him I had to sleep - he laughed and put me to bed.  Sometimes I think we forget to talk to our
husbands, we just keep going until we blow !!  Read the "5 Love Languages of Marriage" by Gary Chapman.  Pastor's wives show their love by "Acts of Service" but we need "Words of Affirmation" our we just burn out.  We don't need to feel guilty when we are tired or sick.  When we were finding a house, instead of buying "what we could afford", we bought what "he" could afford, so all my income is icing on the cake.  We don't have as much, but I sure get to sleep more !!

Linda  3/26/00 I am 40 and we've been in the ministry for 20 years.  We've pastored in three churches, the first was an associate position for about 2.5 years, our next church grew from 29 people to 200 in 13.5 years (this was in a larger town).  We have been in our present church for 5.5 years, it is a rural church of 55.

Linda  3/26/00 I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.  I'll be praying for you and your husband.  One thing I have learned over the years is to give thanks in ALL things (both good and bad).  Our present church has had me on my knees in tears many times, and I am on a "shelf" now.

Sarah  3/27/00 My heart weeps for you.  I will pray for you and your marriage.  You need to ask your self a few questions.  What did you want to be when you were younger?  What were you doing before you married? What gifts has God given you?  God loves you and you can't do anything to make him love you anymore than he does right now.  Also you can't do anything to make him love you any less than he does right now.  My advice to you is to explore your gifts.  Realize your potential.  The Junior Colleges are full right now of women who are newly separated or divorced. Go to your local wal-mart or Christion Bookstore and buy "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Ormartian.  You can pray that husband of yours back into your arms with God's blessings.  If not, then you can rest that you have done your part to pray and support him.  When you find peace, you may also find that your husband sees you in a new light.  Pray for guidance, wisdom, strength, courage, and I will pray that you have already received it and that God will bless your obedience to him.  God bless you.  Love in Christ.

Patricia  3/27/00 My dear sister, your signature speaks volumes.  I have felt the sadness you feel.  I have experienced divorce (from a minister) and it is extremely hurtful.  Be encouraged that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!  I know it seems a long way off, but your joy will be restored.  I'm glad you recognize God's pull on you to be used again.  In spite of your brokeness, you are still a vessel He can use for His purposes!  Seek Him early in the morning for clear direction each day and encourage yourself daily.  If He says go back to school.  DO IT!  If He says apply for a particular position, DO IT!  As you stated yourself, please God and not man.  I too was a "husband pleaser". I think we as women have missed the point of what God told Eve. He said her "desire" would be to please her husband.  I am remarried to a wonderful pastor now and my "desire" is to please him, but I don't always
please him.  Guess what?  I don't beat myself up anymore about it and I don't lose a wink of sleep.  And like you said, we have to tell them the truth in love and let the chips fall where they may!  I hope the next time we hear from you, your signature will be "happyusee".  You are in my prayers.

JLM  3/28/00 I can't say I have had all of your experiences, but I do know about divorce.  I was married at 23 and I tried everything to make my marriage work but it ended in divorce 2 years ago.  I think the hardest part of the whole thing was coming to accept that I may spend my life alone just raising my kids.  I had to take a deep breath and realize that being alone was really much better than being married and being lonely everyday of my life.  I found my trust in God grew everyday that I was successful on my
own.  When I went to get a loan for a home..I met a man..I got the loan and the man just kept calling.  He was a pastor, he was patient and kind and now he is my husband.  I can't tell you how full and joyful my life is.  It isn't easy, but I see God's fingerprints all over it.  I know everyone is telling you that it will be okay...that you will find someone...I'm not going to tell you that.  I am going to tell you the God has the perfect plan...and he is always on time...

Denise  3/28/00 I hope you get this message.  I just want to hang in there.  I have sort of been where you are(read 2/23/00).  From that time up until now I can really saw God has been carrying me.  I do understand how it is possible to cry every day because I have done it.  Just put your complete trust in God and I guarantee he will bring you through.  You didn't mention anything about a church home.  Get in a good bible believing, teaching church.  I sought christian counseling through my church counseling center.  I am still in couseling and it has really helped.  It need be seek christian counseling through a counseling center. God loves you Sadusee and I believe you are going to make it.  Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.  We don't know when that morning is to come but I guarantee you by the grace of God it will come. Continue to believe and trust God.  He will bring you through.  I love you and I am praying for you.  Lord I pray right now that you will touch Sadusee.  Help her through this time in her life.  Help her to remember that you love and that you are on her side.  Lord where there is confusion, anxiety, and any other emotion that is not from you I pray that you remove it in the name of Jesus.  Lord Jesus lead her and direct her through this.  Thank you Lord, in Jesus name. Amen.

Dedicated to funnyface from Patsy  3/28/00  A pastors wife is a shepardess, a nurturer is she. She serves her Lord; and her spouse and cares also for the flock of God as well as her family. We are fellow workers, laborers in the field . May we thank God for His blessings and pray a bountiful yeild. Dear pastors wife ,May God richly bless you with treasures from above for you have richly blessed us with your Christlike love. To God be the glory. Kelly I hope you can use this.

CMR  4/3/00 Is this Pastor's Wife Appreciation Day only celebrated in April in your church or is this a national day to honor the Pastor's wife?  If it is a national day, what day is it on in April? Have you checked out www.csonline.net/jcox/?  I've went on that page and I've seen poems about the Pastor's Wife.  Hope that this is some help to you.

garota  4/4/00 I have been through a bad time myself. I didi not know what was depression until now. And all i can say is that the Lord is good, and that you have to focus your whole being on Him, even if it feels that you would rather die. God is sovereign and in control of everything! Do not give up after the storm there is always sunshine, the Word says those who sow in tears will reap in joy!! Love you. contact me if you would like to share

new reader  4/3/00 My husband is also a pastor and we have two God children. We also have five children of our own. What the parents of Godchildren fail to realise is that the Godparents responsibilty starts when they are absent, and no other family member are able to care for them. They are pushy, mainly because they want to be in what they consider the lime light; And what better way to do it than to  have the pastor be the godfather of your child. I'm sure, they are not regular members Sunday school, bible study or prayer meeting. Ask them to be in attendence at these meetings.  The best remedy for their kind of behavior is the word of God. Use your Godparent position to encourage them toward Christ. Christ will either draw of drive. Either way, you will benefit.

Dawn  4/10/00 Hi! This is for Patti of4/1/2000. I'm a 35 yr old pastor's wife. We have three children, and we serve a church with average attendance of 50-60. I would love to chat. You can email me or write a message here on the board. Looking forward to getting to chat.

For Soon-To-Be  4/11/00 I am a soosn to be Pastor's wife as well as you are.  We announced our engagement over the Christmas holidays and my finace said that it is one of the hardest things that he has ever had to do.  I am younger than he and I am a college student.  The congregation is aware that I am many states away and I think that it makes it hard for him sometimes.  The best thing that you can do is to be yourself and if you and your finace are sure that God has ordained the union between the two
of you then that must be your focus.  Even though I do not even live near my finace there have been rumors and all sorts of things that have come up to try and alter what God has planned.  There are people who are waitng at any moment to move in and do whatever they can to ruin what God is trying to do.  Remeber that your becoming his wife effects them as well.  Give them time to get to know you.  If they already know you, give them time tolearn to acknowledge you as the pastor's wife.  I know that you, as I am, are overwhelmed by all oft he things that have taken place in the church and you are not even married yet.   This site is an excellent outlet and is also full of wisdom from women who have traveled this road before.  I am sure that as long as you are united with God that things will work out.  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.......

jlm  4/14/00 First of all, you need to relax.  I think sometimes we have these images that other pastor's wives have put in our heads.  They all seem perfect and loving....we forget that they too have bad days, have wild children and sometimes crawl back in bed and pull the covers over their head.. I did all three today !!! I had a past I am not proud of...now I am a pastor's wife in the same community I used to run around it.  You know what, if people remember anything bad about me...they sure don't show it.  If they did I would be the first to admit that people can really grow and change.   You won't have all the answers, you won't say all the right things...but someday someone will want to be like you, too..

soon-to-be  4/25/00 THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND HELP. THINGS ARE PROGRESSING. I'M LEARNING TO CALM DOWN AND RELAX AND JUST BE MYSELF. I REALIZE THAT THERE IS NO MOLD TO FIT IN EXCEPT THE MOLD OF THE ANNOINTING. Continue praying for those of us who will be coming over to the life as the "pastor's wife." We must continue supporting one another, and holding one another up in prayer. I realized also that I just can't please everyone. Two major areas of struggle still remain, but I'm seeking the Lord for help. One area is the appropriateness of our public conduct. Public displays of affection. I don't want to bring reproach on the church or him as pastor. But must we walk around as corpses? My second struggle is from a female pastor, who is very affectionate, for lack of a
better word. I have talked to my fiance about this issue, and he has reassured me that she poses no threat. But it still bothers me, I feel that she does this intentionally. Needless to say she has admitted in the past that she was interewsted in him. (I beleive she still is!) Anyway these issues are plaguing me. And in speaking to others, some things won't change even after the wedding, so I must endure with the strength of the Lord. I love you all that are in the struggle  young and old. Pray for me as I pray for you.

Patricia  4/10/00 I am so sorry to hear of your hurt. I went through the trauma of divorce from a minister.  He was not a pastor but he had great influence in the congregation we were a part of at the time.  He had a long standing affair with another women and eventually left me and the children for her.  They married and continued on their merry way.  Like you, I couldn't understand why "God didn't step in and change him".  First of all, a man has to WANT to change my sister.  My former husband did not WANT to change and he did exactly what he wanted to do.  It was difficult to forgive, but eventually I did and moved on.  This man is dead today.  He caught a simple case of the flu and never recovered.  I am thankful that there was no hatred in my heart when he passed on.  Your feelings of anger and hurt are legitimate and are part of the process of healing.  There comes a point when we must lay our marriage on the altar and let the Lord have His way.  There are no guarantees accept the Word of God.  I pray that your husband
will have a change of heart, but if he doesn't, let God change YOUR perspective.  Cry if you must, question God if you must...He won't be offended, but whatever you do, please know that God has a plan in spite of what the enemy has done.  God's plans for you are for good and not evil.  He will restore your joy and your peace because He is the Lifter of your head.  Please keep us posted.

WAITING ON GOD/WAS SADUSEE  4/16/00  Dear battered passtors wife, remmber that there are wolvse in sheeps clothing and there are hirlings .There are those that have a form of Godliness but deny the power there of. Its not our place to judge our mates soul but you know them by the fruit they bare. We just have to throw our selves on the mercy of God and trust his love. All things work together for the good to those that love the Lord and are called acording to his purpose. It sounds increadable that the Lord would let you and your family go thru such a trial but He can use it to make a vessal of honor out of you.      He said there needs be offences come but woe to him by whom the offenses come. Your husband is getting by with nothing Forgive, Love by releasing him to god and go on with your life, I,m in a
similar situation and have kicked myself every way one can but you know what? God is in control. I love my husband still but i was shown that i tried to be jr Holy spirit to him and all my fleshly efforts only pushed him farther, and when I was walking in the spirit he seamed provoked to jeliousy and called me hollier than thow. It is all spiritual warfare. Satan wants to distroy us but God uses the same circumstances to refine us and make us more like Him. I pray for you and your family and for my own soul. We gain more ground by resting in god.

Bert  4/10/00 James 1:20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.Also the tongue is unruly and full of deadly poison (paraphrasing) I have been there and done that, but through the years I have learned to  bridle that unruly member (my tongue) and you can to. You must learn to let go and let God. and not lean on to your own unterstanding. Sister believe me it can be done. You might feel like you are going to bust wide open but just continue to pray in the spirit while the other person is raving, and do you know your silence will convict them more than any thing you can say.

Sue  4/13/00 Thanks Bert!  I know I should have bridled my tongue --and I have in the past.  It is hard as you said But as for now the relationship with our P&W leader have returned back to a normal relationship.  My husband held another meeting with her a few days afterwards to see how she felt again --after anger had subsided.  She asked forgiveness.  Part of me still does not trust her but I will only as much as I feel I am able I suppose.  Anyway - thanks again.

Bert  4/14/00 In all due respect you could not possibly know how we really feel about certian situations.
you probably are able to sympathize with but not empathize with us.there are some things that we can only tell the Lord about because we know he already knows, and we just need a listening ear, and we wont hear it again.  Sometimes our feelings or thoughts dont even make sense to us.And even though
we are to walk by faith and not sight.we tend to lean to our own understand ing.  Please continue to pray for us wives that we will be able to stand besides our husbands and not be a thorn in their sides. yours in Christ.

Jean  4/30/00 This responce is to all of the pastors wives and their letters. I am a pastor, and i can understand how you feel. However, you can not forget that as quite as it is kept it is you that hold the home together.  With all due respect to you, we have come to this site for empathy and a pastor's wife's point of view- not a man's point of view. Sometimes women just want to unload and be heard. Usually a man will try to jump in and fix the problem- and usually some type of quick fix. lol. You really cannot put yourself in the position of a pastor's wife- just as we don't really know the burdens that our husband's carry. That's why we have this forum and ultimately take our burdens before the Lord- of course!

Donell  4/14/00 First let me say that my heart truly goes out you.  My husband and I just moved to a new pastorate leaving my family, and I had a baby 4 weeks after we moved.  I am 32 and we have been
in the position of Sr Pastor for about 6 years.  I'm the  mother of 4 children ages 9,6,3, & 6 months.  Needless to say there is not a lot of times to get away with the care of little ones in the home.  Saying that, I want to challenge you to rise above.  So many times we receive platitudes when we are looking for answers.  I also sat and cried daily and asked God why and when he would give me a close friend.  This is what he told me....Be one first!!!  Start looking around and I know that you will meet women who you are naturally drawn to.  They may have the same interests or children at home like yourself or maybe they just seem like fun peolpe.  Then start making phone calls and inviting them over to your place or out to lunch.  One of the things that works great is talk to your husband about giving you one day a week to have lunch out with someone else.  See if he can watch the kids even for 45 minutes while you have lunch with another lady.  Begin to reach out and give what it is that you are so desperately seeking from another and I guarantee that you will make a friend and begin to connect.  Some of my favorite lunches are those spent with elderly women also.  They have a lot of wisdom to offer us PW's about faith and trust in God.  The other thing that you can do is start writing little notes to different women in the church.  Just a note to say have a great day will open hearts around you quickly.  Lastly, remember that God is always there and He already sees your heart so continue to seek him and he will lead and guide you to the right person at the right time.  Again,  you are in my thoughts because I am right there with you.  Feel free to get my email from Rock Dove.  I would love to correspond with you on a regular basis.  God Bless!!

Lynn  4/16/00 My heart went out to you as I read your letter. Truly it is hard when our children are small to foster relationships with others.  One things you said struck me, that you "sit and cry and pray that someone will come forward with open arms."  I went through a time like that, after losing a friend.  I asked God to show me who in my church needed a friend.  He began to open my eyes to ladies who needed
friendship, and had things in common with me.  About that same time, I discovered Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages."  I would highly recommend it to you.  Although the book deals alot with marriage, it also applies to friendships.  It is easier to foster a friendship with someone when you observe how they give and receive love.  Then you can prayerfully decide on an action to take.  In your situation, there may be many things you feel that you can't do now.  Just ask God to show you all the
possibilities.  He does care about our needs!

Patti  4/18/00 Wow, are we a lot alike!!  I feel EXACTLY the way you do!!  I am a 33-year-old pastor's wife and stay-at-home mother to three young children. My husband and I have been at our current church for about 18 months. There are not many young people at our church; however, God is bringing them in and that's exciting.  Like you, I had a baby about 6 months after we came.  And, like you, our families are in another state, so we don't have a lot of support.  It has been a challenge to get to know people here.  I agree with some of the comments posted by the other wives on this board about reaching out to others, being a friend to them, etc.  I have done that...over and over and over.  And it is seldom returned.  I have attended three moms groups at various churches; I have reached out to my neighbors; I have gotten together with many of the young women at our church; but I am LONELY.  My closest friends are out of state and I so long for a close friend here that I cry from desperation, to the point where my wonderful husband has even offered to resign from ministry so that I can be a "normal" wife, rather than one who is married to a pastor.  I of course told him that he is called by God to be a minister (and kissed him profusely for offering!)  I am an extrovert, so meeting people comes naturally for me.  I consider myself to be an attractive, intelligent, witty, and kind-hearted woman, so aside from the fact I'm married to a pastor, I can see no other reason why I can't make a good friend here.  Now, having said that, I have started to make some real connections and I do have a few good friends that I can count on.  However, it's just not the "kindred spirit" that I long for.  Sooooo, "Lonely P.W.", I just wanted you to know that 1) I totally empathize and unerstand; 2) that you are not alone in your feelings; and 3) that God knows your need and hears the cries of your heart.  He WILL provide friends for you.  I tell myself that all the time and I have to believe it myself...God wouldn't have called my husband and I here without providing for our every need.  It may not happen in our timetable, and yes, it will mean many lonely days and feelings of frustration and discouragement...but I believe that it will happen.  If you ever feel like talking, venting, or needing someone to share with, feel free to e-mail me or post a message on this board.  Hugs to you!!

Michele  4/15/00 I know that talking doesn't always help, but when the time comes that another child is presented to you, you say then that this isn't really a good thing happening here, that you would like to be able to help sometimes, but the all the time stuff has to come to an end,  the family has to have it's
space and privacy.  You won't be popular, but you have to also think of your kids and the home you need as a your refuge.  This was the reason my husband has not ever taken a pasronage- because it can be a bit invasive.  But sometimes it's the only thing a pastoral couple can do.  Sometimes we just have to say
no, and doing it as it happens is the best way to get it across.  If the parents get upset about it, well, you can simply say that an agreement was not made before hand.  If the congregation tries to throw it at you that your handy for them and the parsonage is availible because of them, simply reply that it availible for the care fo your family first and others need to make an arrangement ahead of time.  Don't let the politics of it get in the way of your home life. Blessings sister, be strong in the Lord, He didn't tell you that you had to do it all!!

Dawn  4/17/00 Hi! I am a pastor's wife of 11 years. I have four children and homeschool my children also. I know the problems that are caused by people's expectations. However, you must retrain your people. Just as our children are trained if we don't stay with the rules they don't change their behavior and they test us too! My suggestion, and I have done this, is use a answering machine to take all calls during
your school time. If it is an emergency they will leave a message and you can call them back, otherwise return calls after school time. Next I would place a sign on my door. Something like: School is in session from 8am to 3pm. If you knock on the door I WILL NOT COME TO THE DOOR! As with any other school we can not allow vistors during this time. Feel free to come back after 3pm. Then after 3pm or whatever time you decide, invite people over, open your door and take down your sign. There is still time to have hospitality shown. During supper and while tucking childen into bed we allow the answering machine to pickup. Then call back after we are done. This allows are children to feel like they are important to dad too! It is hard at first, and there will be comments. But after a month things should calm down. But your
rules must continue or they will start bad habits again. Hope this helps. God Bless you! I am reading a great book right now. JUST GIVE ME JESUS by Anne Graham Lotz. She talks about her busy schedule and Just needing Jesus.

sometime sad  4/21/00 Thank you to both of you who responded to my frustration. I have gleened from both of you

Donell  4/17/00 It sounds to me like you need to have a good long talk with your future husband.  Not only am I hearing that you are struggling with jealousy but also with trust in him.  The ministry is a very demanding place and does consist of criticism.  But all jobs that deal strictly with people will consist of criticism.  We are not called to please man but God.  That is where our true strength lies.  It would be
good for you and your fiance to go thru some counseling with another pastoral couple.  You may be able to gain some great insights.  It is very important that you talk to your future husband about your fears and doubts regarding the ministry and his ministering to single women.  Personally I believe that you both should be involved in counseling with women and that simple protective rules will keep your marriage safe.  such as counseling with an open door and someone else present in the building.  Accountability with yourself.  Don't be afraid to let your fiance know how you feel.  You may be surprised at his response.  He may not even know that this bothers you and will be willing to talk openly about solutions.  Draw your strength from the Lord.  The great thing about this website is that we can unload our burdens with out feeling judged.  I wish you God's best and encourage you to find another older experienced pw
to talk to.  She will be invaluable to you.   Lord Bless you and your future husband and ministry.

JLM  4/20/00 This jealousy of your is something you are really going to have to deal with.  I'm afraid it will not only be young single women that you find yourself jealous of...but of anyone who takes your husband away from you. I have felt it when I was looking foward to time alone with my husband (very rare with 5 children) only to have him called away for a family emergency.  I think we all can understand...but it's very hard to be the one that "gives" all the time.  Your husband has a calling...he will respond to those who need him because that is what he is called to do. One half of those calling will be female.  I have seen ministry marriages destoyed by jealousy......a man will be pulled in two if asked to NOT meet the needs of his congregation.  You do need to tell him and work something out.  My husband only counsels
single women when his secretary is in (she is next door) or at home when I am there.  It was his choice to do that (and I am very pleased !!) But, it doesn't stop phone calls from those who have no one to talk to but a nice understanding pastor.  It will happen.  This is a life decision you either make or don't.

Patti  4/21/00 Jean, I'm rather new on this board, so I haven't been aware of your situation until just recently. I just wanted to post this so that you would know that I do care about you and what is happening in your marriage/church.  It certainly can't be easy...and my heart goes out to you for feeling so emotionally defeated.  I know, having spoken with other PW's on another board, that this is not uncommon behavior from the pastor-husband, so I hope that you don't feel alone in all this.  I would never assume that I could offer any advice to you - I've only been in ministry for four years - but I would gently encourage you to talk directly with your husband.  If he does not listen, then, in the presence of two others (from the church council, perhaps), go to him again in loving intervention.  If he still is hardened, then you may need to take some sort of action such as a physical separation from him.  Sometimes that is the "wake up" call that is needed.  May God comfort you during this time!

Garota  4/24/00 My dear Jean, I see that no one has responded to your dilemma. I don't know what to say myself. But I can see that you are really hurt, and it is totally understandable, there is nothing worse then being humiliated by your own husband. I can only say that God does not sleep, His eyes sees all things. And we do not understand why He does not come through to us when we need it so much. He is there and even if it does not feel like it, I know that God gives you the strength to endure. When yopu read in the Bible the story of Abigail and her hhusband(I forgot his name now), she knew that he was a foolish man, but still she acted godly and God honoured her. Keep on in righteousness, meekness and godlyness. 1 Pet 3:1-5 says that without a word you need to be an examp-le to your husband.I know that
maybe I sound, like it is easy to handle, I can only imagine your heartache and pain, and the anxiety, everytime youyr husband speaks, maybe he will say something !!!  Well my dear sister in Christ, I have you on my personal intercession list. And I will plead to God in every opportunity, to change your husnabds heart. If he continues , I feel sorry for him, because God is also a God of wrath, and he will reap what he has sown.  I wish I could tell you three steps top solve the problem, but I haven;t got it.  The Word of God says in 1 Pet 2, that Jesus was reviled, and did not revile back, that Jesus was threated, etc.. and He never opened his mouth. Have the attitude of Jesus. God will honour you. Your children, we can also only leave in God's hands. Hope and trust in God, He says that those who trust in Him, will not be ashamed, and that in the end you will be delivered from this, He only does not say when or how. may the love of God be with you, endure until the end. Remeber that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.

Jean  4/19/00 (same as 5-27-99, 1-15-00)  4/26/00  Thanks so much to those who responded to my dilemma. It is wonderful to know that my situation has merited some time in your prayers. I can't tell you how good it feels to have support.

Dawn  4/24/00 Dear Tired, I know the pain ministry can cause you. I have been a pastor's wife for eleven years and a pastor's kid for thirty years. I can feel your pain in your letter. I have been there in the FETAL position wondering "can I go on" and "why do I have to suffer like this?" Right now just sit down and put on some praise music. Cry tell God exactly how you feel! He can take all your anger! He's the one that gave you all those human emotions. Cry and Cry and Cry and Cry, He will be there with you every step of the way. I know you feel there is no where to turn. Remember Moses! He was at the water standing there staring at it and it looked like there was no place to go! The Eygptian soldiers behind him coming for him and his people to Kill them. There seemed nowhere to go! He in faith touched the water and it opened and they were free to pass to the other side.  God will help you out of this trap. Satan's trap of lies!!!!!!In faith take your hand right now and reach up to God. Satan prowls like a roaring lion waiting to devour you. But Christ came that you may have Abundant Life!!! You see this is what goes on with all of us pastor's wives in every situation we have on this board. Satan wants to take the victory away from us by putting blinders on our spiritual eyes. We get caught up in the worldly ways and how they solve problems and we try to solve them ourselves. Jesus is your only "Hope"!! He will fight the battle for YOU!  He's the only one that can win against Satan. So right now reach out to Jesus, he will walk with you and carry you through. He Loves YOU. Feel free to email me! I give the board permission to pass my email on to you! God Bless!

Sheila  4/24/00 To my sweet tired sister, I am interceeding for you even now.  I too know how it feels to be tired and burned out.  But just remember - God can refresh us like nothing else can.  His Word also says that when the enemy comes in like a flood - He will raise up a standard against him. Just remember that we do not war agains flesh and blood.  Sometimes it is easy to look at the people around us and think that they are the problems - but it really isn't them - just Satan working through them.  It also helps me when I am so overwhelmed and tired, to step back and find someone who I can help - even if its something small - like a card, or take them cookies, or drive them to a doctors appointment.  Sometimes if we take the focus off of ourselves and onto others - things don't look as bleak.  I will continue to pray for you - God is in control of your life - don't give up!

Dawn  4/30/00 It's me Dawn again! I've been thinking about you and praying for you. I,m wondering how you are doing? If you can email me or post a note. Would like to know how you are handling things. Wanted to let you know just that somebody cares. God Bless You.

Donell Kjetland  4/25/00  The problem here as I see it is that there is still hidden sin.  There is no freedom from our sin when it remains hidden.  How do you know that things are over?  Is it just by the word of your husband?  Healing requires honesty.  It sounds like you, your husband, his secretary, and her husband want to all pretend that it never happened.  There are a lot of issues here that will only heal thru time and probably some marriage counseling.  You see trust has been broken and just because someone apologizes doesn't make that trust automatically come back.  I suggest that you and your husband see another pastor for counseling or else seek out a christian counselor.  God is definately in the healing business but that is hard to do when things are still not out in the open.  I'm not saying that you have to destroy reputations. but this issue sounds like it has never been addressed for what it truly was.  Please don't beat yourself up because you are having a hard time with trust and the other woman.  That is sooooo normal and to be expected in your situation.  I will pray for you definately but please seek out someone who can help you and your husband thru this.

Fire  4/25/00 First of all I would like to commend you on your strength through your situation. You go
girl! Just hearing your fighting spirit encourages me. Infedility is a problem every  mariage will have to address sooner or later. I praise God for your ability to be able to keep focused on the things of God. I praise God that you didn't let the devil distract you to the point to where you're actually giving up. You said you've gone through emotional hanges,...well that's normal and it takes time to heal. One thing I want to remind you of is that you can't change your husband or your former friend. You can't make them do anything. Let God work on them. God knows them better than you ever will and He knows right where to get them. I know you've had to fight within yourself to trust your husband again and I know that's been hard. But the key to that is "forgiveness". See, you can't afford to hold unforgiveness in your towards your husband, your former friend or anybody else. All that does is stunt you growth and blessings from God. Another important thing is to not let this lower your self esteem. Don't take responsibility for anyone else's mistakes. Stay focused on God and what he wants you to do right now. Don't lose sight of your ministry, don't let the devil pluck that from you by using this situation regarding your marriage. Even through this tough time, God will use you to bless others. Don't worry about old girl. Let God work on her. Get rid of all that resentment,(if you still have any). The best defense against her anyway is God's love. You have to remember the real reason why she has hurt you is because she's hurting herself. She's looked for love in all the wrong places so make it a point to show her God's love, the real kind of love she really needs. Don't feel like a wimp if deep down inside you still care about her. You two were friends. But "she" decided to destroy your trust in her and not be a friend to you anymore. Again I say, "she decided not to be a true friend to "you". Don't let her actions make you bitter. "She" lost out on reaping the benefits of a good friendship and now all you can do is love her from a distance. Don't let the devil get the victory. Every time she rolls her eyes, throws an attitude, disregards you, discredits you to justify her jealousy, return it with Love. Let her see why you're husband married you in the first place. And no you don't have to be fake. If you stay prayed up and focused on God, he will use you to show her especially,
His love and how a virtous woman should be. Try not to fret about your marriage. Believe me, if your husband didn't love you, he would be gone. Maybe that's why your friend is still bitter towards you. She couldn't make him leave you. It sounds like He knows he's got a good thing at home so continue to be that good thing. Do some fun things to keep your spirit up. Laugh a lot, get all cute for no reason, email your girlfriends, pick some flowers from the garden, pillow fight with kids, joke more,..have crazy fun. If you start having flash backs from past hurts reach out and hug somebody. I'm just saying stay focused
on good things,lovely things, pure things. It wont be easy at times but you can do it!. If you find yourself being hurt again just remember, "hurt people, will hurt people" and turn those hurtful situations into excuses to show God's love. I'm praying for you and your family. And pray for me as well, everything I've expressed in this post I've experienced and have put into action. It works! God Bless!.

Hanna/anna  4/29/00 Dear Fire 4/25/00. Thank you for you words of encouragement. It's so good to know that there's some help and encouragement out there, especially amoung your peers. I praise God that I have come a long way! I do still have flashbacks every now and then, and I tell myself that God has His time in repaying my enemy. It just seems to be a long time coming. I realize that God has something for me to do, and I appreciate your advise to concentrate on MY MINISTRY. I think now that I sometimes
experience little scrimmages with my husband over ministry issues. Little things that I'm working on as Women's Leader, he seems to give me a little flack! It came to me the other day that this is possibly a sign of jealousy. Could that be possible? His other word he uses when we get into discussions is that I'm 'JUDGING"! This is not so, but I feel he may be saying this as an attack on me to keep me down, but in actuality, it's to make him feel superior still, over me. Could this be so? I love him dearly, and he knows that, and I show it in every way I know how. I do feel strange, however, that I can love him so, and still in the back of my mind, watch cautiously. Thank you for your comments, but most of all your continued prayers.

Fire  5/1/00 Jealousy by your husband is very,.. and highly possible. Remember, he's a lay member in the ministry too. When you deal with people in any type of work, you'll experience people problems. The devil hates families and especially hates families that work in ministry together. He will use "anything" and "anyone" to keep that off balance. But he's a loser. Big loser. So keep focused. Don't give up. Hang in there to see your break through. You've said that your deliverence is taking a long time, but God is using this experience to prepare you for some things in the future. Your husband is probably reckognizing things in you that he should be doing himself. That can be really hard to deal with. Through your conversation, loving demeanor, comitted behavior to the work of God, God is calling your husband (and
probably others watching you) to step up to the next stage in spirituality and out of that little comfort zone. Our role as wives is so important to our husband's success it's not even funny. But I thank God for your posts because they help to remind me that I'm not alone and that everything I've gone through was not in vain. I'm praying for you.:)

hanna/anna  5/10/00 Thanks Fire for your responses! Your perception in the spirit has been a blessing to me. I think I failed to share that he's been pastoring for 19 yrs. this year. When the work was small, it seemed we didn't have these problems, though the loneliness at times seemed unbearable. As the work grew, I became less important to him, and now it seems to take all effort for him top[emly acknowledge all my efforts that I put forth. This past Pastor's Appreciation, was one of the greatest blows of my life! His secretary and her family were the coordinatior of it, and they made SURE that I received NO RECOGNITION, not even a corsage! Then on top of that, they spent up nearly ALL his monitary gift money on a bunch of things he could have bought for himself, just so he wouldn't have it to share with me! What hurt most of all, is that I was coming up on my 25th wedding anniversary, and clearly requested that they not purchase a watch for him. I believe that it was OUT OF SPITE, they did just that! When they presented it to him, I nearly fell out! My daughters, (I have 5 ), began to cry, and had to walk out of the dining hall! They knew how much it meant for me to present my Anniversary Watch to him!! It was unbearable!! After the dinner, I told myI broke down!! When he asked me what was wrong, I told him it was because I'd asked them to please just honor my wish of not buying the watch. I then told him I had gotten him one already. Of course, their Rolex was much more expensive!! So you know whose watch he wears?? Mine sitts in the jewelry box!! This hurt me extremely bad, and even worse as it seems that he didn't support my feelings as he should have! It was an aweful experience, but I believe it was the changing point in mmy life! I tell myself I no longer have to try to prove my love for him, and I believe that what his secretary did openly, God will judge her openly!! My reward and recognition is not going to come from man, but from God! He's got my back!! This just happened in December, and I've just recently seemed to be doing better about what happened! It was also meant to throw me back into a whirlwind and rekindle all of those past fears and feelings of anger and hate! God knows, these have been the hardest years of my life, but as you said, God is going to allow me to use this test ass a blessing for somebody!! Thank You for your prayers!!!

Someone that knows the pain  5/20/00  I have been reading your posts ever since your first posting. I have agreed with Fire. She seems to be a very godly women with much wisdom. However, on your post 5/10 I became very concerned. Was this the same secretary that had the affair with him. If it is, there is something very "fishy" going on. Ecspecially if he is wearing this watch!If he has not asked forgiveness from you then he has not repented (to turn and go the opposite way) Any husband that truly has asked forgiveness and knows he has hurt his wife deeply would change secretarys and anything else that would reassure his wife of his fidelity. Please understand I am in no way saying don't forgive, I am also not saying leave him. But he did make a covenant to you before God and someone should uphold him to that covenant. Does he have someone, a male, that holds him accountable to you and his committment? Does he have someone that asks him often are you crossing any line that would endanger your faithfulness to your wife? If he does not, he is human, he can be tempted! My husband was into porn,.
it broke my heart. Our marriage is stronger today than it has ever been. But it was because first of all, he was truely broken hearted before me and God. Second, he fulfilled all requests I made, to obtain my trust. Till this day he still upholds those request I have made. We did not go before the church, but we did
go through Christian counseling, he obtained an accountablity person I trust and knows the whole situation. What worries me about this is if your husband has "repented" he has not ran away from the temptation. The Bible tells us "to flee" from evil" and "from temptation". Please know I believe God can heal any marriage, but God expects for any Christian man to walk "uprightly"! You have five children, what do they have to say about your husband having the same secretary? From your last posting I feel you have a gut feeling about this. Take it to our heavenly Father, ask him to reveal truth. Then ask Him to deal with both of your hearts and to heal your marriage. My marriage is a  walking testimony of his miraclous grace and mercy. If you don't have a counselor available to you, call 1-800-A-Family. That is Focus on the Family. Ask for the Pastor's support office. They can connect you with a counselor that deals with these kind of problems and give you suggestions and counselors in your area. They were the first I called when my world turned upside down.  There was no one else I felt I could tell.(We feel a need to protect even until the very end).You don't have to give them your name! I also hope that you continue to have much support from "Fire". I believe God has sent her to you "for such a time as this". God bless you in this journey as you seek his wisdom!

Hanna/anna  5/25/00 Dear Someone who understands the pain 5/20, Your were correct in assuming that this is the same secretary with which he had the affair. He can't get rid of her for several reasons: first of all, nobody knows about what went on, secondly, if she has the support of the board, and does her job, what excuse does he have in letting her go? (Though he and I know that she's not done quite right, and there are MANY reasons why he could legitimately get rid of her). He's covered her in her wrong MANY TIMES, and I imagine that because she has this thing on him, it's to her advantage to stay! The money is good, she's covered, so why leave?? He's becoming a bit more definite about her getting her assignments done (or so he says), but to me, she still getts away with MURDER! I believe that God will step in after a while, and clean the office out! This is my prayer! I did feel pressed in my spirit on last week however, to write her a letter telling her that I forgive her for all that she's done to me. I further told her that I did it because I know that God is doing things both spiritually and naturally in my life, and I can't afford any hinderances. I did tell her however, that she cannot continue to go on in life, hurting people she love, and people who love her without getting that thing straight! I pray God she comes to understand and REPENT!! I have a feeling that she shared the letter with my husband, but THAT'S OK TOO!! HE TOO NEEDS TO KNOW THAT HE NEEDS TO REPENT TO THOSE WHOM HE'S HURT ALSO! I believe God that giving that letter to her will be the conclusion of my inner issue with her, and the healing of my heart in respect to her. Please still continue to pray for me that God will continue to give me strength in dealing with my husband. As I said before, things are better between us, but there's still that UNSPOKEN WALL UP, that keeps us from giving freely to one another, of our love and support, and I've grown weary of always being the one to keep giving and giving!

Donell  4/29/00 Try getting a book called "Heart to Heart with Pastor's Wives"  I don't remember who wrote it but I have read it and reread it over and over.  THere is alot of practical advice from women who
have been there regarding a large range of topics.  God Bless.

Fire  5/1/00  Dear Mikki, Val, and other sisters battling with wieght problems. I just want to let you know you're not alone. You're still beautiful. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and don't let anything make you believe different. See, most people say that over-eating is a problem but "UNDER-eating" is a problem too. When I get depressed I stop eating. So I struggle with bad eating habbits too. Let's not let the devil put a magnifying glass on our situations. Bad eating habbits are just a systom of the real problem. Let's all pray for each other that we learn to deal with our struggles a more healthy way, O.k.? You are not alone in this. We all need to be healthy physically to continue to do God's work. Maybe we can go for a walk, ride on a bike, go skate with the kids, play catch, etc..., instead of lying around saddended,not eating or eating too much. Let's whip the devil on this one.
Are you guys down?

Judy  6/6/00 You are not alone!  I have a weight problem to.  Last year I started to a gym for 3 months, after my membership ended I kept working on it at home for awhile then gradually stopped.  I had lost 54 pounds.  I am now gaining it back.  I feel awful! I need to get back on track but I can no longer afford to go to a gym.  My husband was bi-vocational but has now gone full time at our church.  There was about a 1,000 dollar a month pay cut involved but we both really believe this was Gods leading and he is supplying our needs. I would love to talk to you! Maybe we can motivate each other.  You may request my email address if you would like.  I live in Alabama.

Val  5/3/00 Mikki, I would love to have a support partner for losing weight!!  I am needing someone to "talk" with about all the ups and downs of dieting.  I am serious about wanting to lose 20 lbs - and for the right reason - I am uncomfortable and I don't like how my clothes fit anymore.  Email me if you would like to be "Chub Buds"!!

Bert  5/2/00 Iam a Pastors of 7 yrs. I truly believe a Pastor's wife is a calling as well as a Pastor. It is a ministry in its self.  and if you put the Lord first and lean not to your own understanding he will direct your path. It is not easy being a Pastors wife using our carnal mind, our mind has to be  renewed as Jesus said. We must remember we are not dealing with flesh and blood, but with LOVE @ FORGIVENESS towards our fellow man we can be an encouragement to our spouses.Pray to the Lord concerning your marriage and listen to HIS answer. God Bless  Bert

Marie  5/2/00 Being a Pastos wife can be an extremely rewarding title or it can be the hardest thing you ever had to do.  First of all your life will no longer be yours.  It will be like living in a fish bowl.  Everyone is in your business, you have to watch the females in the parish, a lot will try to get your man.  People will always have something to say.  But they will talk anyway! But thanks be to God we have the Bible to consult with and the Lord to watch over us.  Keep your hands in Gods hand and you will concur all things.  You can make your enemies your footstool, and show everyone how to have a good marriage by example.  Love your husband-to-be, give him enough room to do Gods work and ask the Lord to guide you so that you can help your husband-to-be.  I love being a Pastors wife.  My husband lets the congregation know that he is a one woman man.  He stops garbage in its tracks.  As I always tell people when they ask the question, "How is it being married to a minister?"  I always tell them I married my husband for the man he is.  He was blessed to be called by God in the ministry.  THat was not a choice
that I had to agree with or disagree with.  THat is a choice that the Lord made and I was chosen to be married to him.  I have tried to give you some of the pleasent and not so pleasent aspects of being a Pastors wife. I hope this helps.  God Bless you and your Husband-to-be.

LP  5/3/00 Thanks so much for responding to my post.  I really appreciate it and I will be praying and let
God lead me.  :)   God bless!

Patti  5/3/00 Congratulations on your possible marriage!  I'm a pastor's wife of four years.  Let me say that you would be marrying the MAN, not the PROFESSION...but with the man COMES the profession.  Be understanding of his unexpected calls; be supportive of him as he deals with discouragement and stress; be positive when you are dealing with criticism and negativity; and love your husband unconditionally.  I don't agree with the post that said that a lot of women will try to get your man.  That may be true in some churches, but not in every church.  And if your husband is discerning, he'll see through any attempt and nip it in the bud immediately.  I encourage you to find another PW in your area, one you feel comfortable sharing with...sometimes it's just a matter of gentle reassurance that your strengths can compliment his.  God's blessings!

L.P.  5/8/00 You know I've already had problems with people talking, and with friends not being supportive.  A lot of my "friends" are very negative. My husband to be has been very very supportive towards me spending time with both friends and him sometimes separately because of conflicts.  I've been praying for unity but sometimes it's really hard.  Last night I got upset when a friend came to me and told me that "they were my friends first".  That was really hard to hear so I just prayed and he came
and prayed for me and with me.   But the really cool thing is the advice he gave me.  I'm going to try to put this into words, hopefully I can say this right.  He said he was talking to another Pastor and this is what he said.  When things are going wrong with people you have to make sure you are in God's will, and if you are, then it's ok if people aren't supportive or saying things behind your back because God's will is
where we need to be.  It's like going into the church being a missionary to the christians even.  Just keep following Jesus.  If God is for us who can be against us?  We can be an example. All the comments and hurtful words don't matter as long as we are in GOd's will.  People will fail us but God NEVER will.   I just thought I would share that, I hope it's understandable.  Thanks for all your support here on this board, I am going to make a lunch date with the Senior Pastor's wife at our church and talk with her about the ministry also.   Thanks!!!

L.P.  5/10/00 He officially asked me to marry him last night!!!  Oh my goodness.  I am so happy right now.  Please keep me in prayer as we start making decisions and if anyone wants to email me that would be great.  I think you have to ask rock dove for the address????  I'm nervous and excited and thankful all at the same time.  Our parents are so happy and supportive.  This is going to be a HUGE step for us.  WOW.

Marie  5/17/00 Congratulations on your engagement!  The fun will begin now.  May the Lord continue to bless you, your fiance, your marriage and your ministry.  Being a Pastors Wife is a Ministry within itself.  God Bless you!  I hope that everyone is as happy as my Husband and I am!  THe Lord blest you with him, and he with you.  Whenever you get into a disagreement (Life is like that, we all want things to be like a bed of roses, but sometimes there will be a thorn or two) Just remember that the Lord put you together and let nothing or no one get in your way of fulfilling the Lords work and his promise.  Congratulations!

Cali  5/8/00 Watch yourself! Two wrongs don't make one right. I know it is right for you and your husband to have all things in common. I also think it is wrong for him to not let you drive his vehicles. But what we must realize is that we are only ultimately responsible for what we do and feel. At some point in a disagreement pride steps in and make us want to win. You are not in need of transportation. Don't covet his "toys." Pray on the greater matter. He obviously have mixed up a few priorities. We all do it sometimes. He sounds like a great man of God, so don't give place to Satan to cause you to make the situation bigger than it is.

Bert  5/8/00 I dont want you to think I take your situation lightly, but I have been married 40 years and my husband is a pastor also.You said you have prayed about his selfishness concerning his "toys". well dont you believe God answers prayers? You must let God work it out. you cant take it back in your hands after you asked God to fix it. The more you harp on the problem the more stubborn your husband
will be. Stand on Gods word. He said when you pray believe.Have faith that he will answer your prayer, and thank him daily for solving the situation.Ask him to strengthen you so you will be able to realize that your husband needs prayer for his selfish spirit. God bless.

Tookie  5/10/00 Thank you both very much for responding to me.  I appreciate your directness and truthfulness.  Cali, you are so right.  I did not consider that I may have been coveting these cars and that pride could easily enter the picture.  You are correct...the larger issue is not the cars.  Bert, you sound like a no-nonsense woman. I needed to hear your message.  I'm going to trust God and let Him handle the matter.  I've wasted too much energy already harping on it.  Thanks again.

Garota  5/11/00 The enemy would always seek to bring condemnation and accuse us because of behaviour which we know are not godly, or in line with Pastor couples. You are still just a human being, with a fallen nature. And there are things in your life andn in your husband's that God would like to work on. You say that you have no problems in the congregation, only at home, if it has not spilled over soon it will, it is a principle of God's Word that our own house must be in order first. It is important that in seeking out in God's Word what He requires from you as a woman and a wife, you apply those principles in moments of pressure. e.g keep silent- why do we always have to say something? why not let God be the avenger? what will we prove anyway?? nothing words hurt, and you cannot take them back, so to all of us, God's advice is keep silent, if you can't say anything constructive to your husband! I am also
married so I know how angry someone can get at his spouse, but your responsibility before God is more important than your need for retaliation, defensiveness, and eve trying to make a point. You cannot do anything about your husband's behaviour, but you can according to 1 pet 3:1-6, be an example of godlyness withour words. It starts woith you!! never expects the other person to make the first move
towards godliness, you do! God is ministering to your heart, be the poeacemaker!! for the Lord's sake the Word says, we are submissive, for His sake, we keep quiet, no for people. Search the Word, seek God, be the one to intercede for the problem, and see how God will turn it around,but He expects your obidience first! i8t will hurt, it will take self control, but be the least, vbe the humble, be the humiliated! God honours those wgo give to Him the right of sorting out problems!!! Love to you.

Cali  5/16/00 You are right, you are juggling a lot of hats. Try to look at your situation from this point of view. Before you had your wonderful daughter, you were able to help you husband in the ministry. You must realize now that a person has been added to your life, so there has to be some adjustment. The major adjusting has to be on your part in caring for your new baby. Your husband is still holding up the commitment made to the church and the youth department. You can not expect things not to change and to go on as usual. You husband has adjusted to you not being able to help him, which he should have done. You can still help him by listening to whats happening with the department and giving him suggestions to help make it run smoother. I have 5 children, and believe me, they will grow and find their ministry in the church and you will find yet another. Now is the time for you to take care of your daughter. Stop trying to keep you situation operating the way it was before her. Would you like him to care for your daughter and you handle the youth department? think about it. Be strong in the Lord, I will continue to pray for you. Also, people talked about Jesus and fasley accused him and still do today. You just continue to live Christlike, and the lies will shame the accuser.

Leza  5/18/00 Cali, THANK YOU.  I am trying very hard.  I am so excited...I just received a letter with a date for my Emmaus walk, but I am going to have to reschedule it as we are going on vacation at that time.  My father is terminally ill and wants to take his grandchild to Disney World while he is still able.  I am very excited about this as my husband has made arrangements to go with us!  Also, my pastor said that it would be no problem to reschedule my Emmaus walk as God has a special time for each of us to go and I am leaving that in His hands.  My husband also told me that he understood my feelings in that he is very busy, and he asked me to help chaperone the youth retreat in August.  God is so good...I am learning so much in that with patience, He does answer our prayers.  It is so neat that you suggested I concentrate on caring for my daughter, for God also placed that on my heart within days of my writing my previous note.  I am finding more comfort in taking care of her, especially with my husband away every
night.  I am almost scared because I am now actually enjoying him being away because I have her all to myself!  Is that bad of me?  I am still struggling, though, with feeling left out and unwanted.  I know in my
heart my husband still loves me and needs me, but sometimes I feel like I just give and give and gain nothing in return.  I know that Jesus gave the ultimate gift to us, and when I remind myself of this I feel so selfish for wanting my husband home more.  And he is the one suffering because he knows I am upset and feels that it is his fault.  So many things have happened the last few months...some outside his ministry...and I have so many feelings of mistrust toward my husband.  I am still very confused. But, I keep praying and asking God's guidance and slowly but surely my confidence is growing.  I try every day to send my husband notes of encouragement and letters of love and talk to him and offer suggestions for the youth.  I don't always succeed, but I pray that my husband knows I am trying as I know he is. I so appreciate your encouragement.  Thank you for your prayers and suggestions!  This being a new mom and youth minister's wife is tough.  But as I told my husband, God meant us to be together...I know that beyond any shadow of a doubt.  And with that knowledge God let me know that I may not think I am cut out to be a youth minister's wife, but I am cut out to be my husband's wife.  So I know that God will help me be the best wife for my husband and him the best husband for me, no matter where God's will takes us.

Cali  5/22/00 Hey Leza, You are on the right track. But remember, you are a family. I'm glad you are enjoying your baby girl, and the time you have together,but Remember, you have to strengthen the relationship of the whole family. Don't let satan tempt you to adjust to, and enjoy your husband being gone. Everyone has their place and is very important. Your husband is the priest of the family. Continue to love and support him. Read Proverbs 31:10-31. You are in my prayers, and pray for me.

Pat  5/22/00 I thought you would be flooded with suggestions by now since all of us pastors wives need encouragement at one time or another.  I think it is wonderful that you want to do something special for her and that God has given you the sensitivity to know that she is going through a hard time.  You said it didn't appear she has any close friends.  Is she "approachable" or is she somewhat shy and withdrawn?  If she is withdrawn, she may have been hurt by members and is afraid to let anyone get too close.  If that is the case, don't overwhelm her with affection or gifts.  Just a little thing like a touch on the shoulder and telling her you are thankful that God gave her to you as a pastors wife and you appreciate her being in your life.  That may open the door a little so she'll know you aren't looking for anything in return. If she is an approachable person, ask her if you could bless her by taking her out to breakfast or lunch...whatever fits your schedule.  If not that, buy her a book written for pastors wives and give it to her with a nice card.  Its not the big things we're looking for, its just an occasional acknowledgement that we're not invisible and that we're valued by the people we love some much.  Hope this helps.

Someone Cares  5/22/00 I am Min. Wife still seeking ideas to encourage PW.  Please PW's what would make you feel special from Min. Wives at your church.  What would bless you?  Really need to encourage our PW.

TONI  5/23/00 I think it's admirable that you desire to befriend your PW. We do find that we are often quite alone, and because of our possition, we find that we cannot create intimate bonds with members of our congregations. Sure, we build some friendships in our congregations, but even at that, we are not privileged as other members to build REAL BONDS: bonds in which we can share our most sincere feelings, hurts, pains! Our husbands must also pastor them, and oftentimes, pepeople do not look at the pastor as also being a MAN! They are overwhelmed with him in his charisma, and consequently, do not understand why the wife should ever be sad or sorrowful. You may never be permitted to enter into your PW INNER CIRCLE, but know that she needs to feel your support for her. A touch on the shoulder, a word of encouragement,a card will go a long way in encouraging her along! God bless you for your efforts!!

Cali  5/18/00 You must realize that you are dealing with people that are not unlike sick people, if I may use the analogy. Most sick people check into the hospital, get medication for what ills they may have, feel better, and checks out. Only to be seen again when they become sick. Some think they know more than the doctor and leave. And still some see it a being a good profession and learn all they can so they can administer to others. You are dealing with the worse sickness of all, Sin sickness. Just keep on
preaching the Word. God add to the chuch as he sees fit. If you depend on being liked, you have the wrong perspective. God chose you because He knows you can endure trials. Receive your crown of life with steadfastness (James 1:12) It is not about you, it's about having souls reconciled to God. God's ministry is sprinkled with tender, tender mercies. Look for them and keep marching.

Bert  5/18/00 Jesus said let the wheat grow up with the tare and when he comes he'll do the separating.  And we as christians especially in the ministry, must love the tare(goats) as well as the wheat (sheep) and we must remember we are not dealing with flesh and blood. The bible says we must pray for those that dispitefully use us.I have been there and done that as a Pastors wife and believe me with the Lords help nothing is impossible. If yoy and your husband are lined up with Gods word and you are doing whats
pleasing in HIS sight. Hold on a change is coming. Please do not conform to man.If your doing his will keep doing it. He said his word would not come back to him void it will accomplish what he set it out to do. And remember Pray for strength to continue doing his will. Do not look at the situation with your carnal mind but with your renewed spiritual mind. REMEMBER PRAY PRAY, PRAY.  Bless you.

Patti  5/19/00 I know how you feel!  I'm 33 and a PW in Pennsylvania.  My husband pastors a small
church (average attendance 50-55) and we have felt many of the same feelings as you expressed. Seems like so often my husband and I do most of the work and we work so hard...and yet results are sooooo slow.  What keeps us going?  Two things:  knowing that God has called us here, and that He is faithful.  We have already seen Him work in wonderful ways, so we just keep being patient and committed to His call.  You asked if there was someone who could be real with you and give you practical advice.  I'm not sure how well I do on the advice part...but I'm a great friend, so if you'd like to have someone to talk to, I'd enjoy it.  Feel free to post a message on here or e-mail me, and we can talk more.  Hugs to you!

Dawn  5/19/00 I majored in psychology with my BS degree. I would suggest  reading a book called "Word to the Wise" by Skinner(Henry?). Wonderful scriptural Spirit filled book. Could help you make up your mind!

Dawn  5/23/00 I am a 35 yr old pastor's wife of four children. We have been in the ministry 11 yrs. My husband is a full time pastor. He has also been a bivocational pastor and I had to work during that time
also. God has provided, although it be a tight budget, enough for our needs so I can be a stay at home mom. I homeschool my children. If you would like to get to know each other feel free to contact me by my email as soon as the board will release it to you. Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Judy  6/6/00 I know how you feel. My husband has also been a bi-vocational pastor and I have held a job myself now I am a stay at home mom and God has allowed him to be just a pastor now.  I don't believe in part-time pastors.  I don't see how that could work.  I have been where you are at and would love to talk to you.  I still need someone to talk to outside our church.  I find it hard to meet friends outside our church. You may request my email address if you would like to talk.

Cali  5/25/00 First I want to Welcome you First Lady. I also am a Pastor's wife and understand completely what you are experiencing. It is nothing strange concerning your ordeal,people is like that everywhere on one level or another. When we first enter the ministry, we have already imagined how it was going to be. We imagined a thriving ministry with people who just love us and  all working together on a common goal. But soon after you enter, the reality of Christ' suffering began to set in. Remember, nothing is happening to God's man that he don't allow for the strengthening of him. You will have some good times, but if it were all good and everyone cooperated, we might get soft handed in the way the ministy is run. God has brought you through a great ordeal, and you are emerging with a strong hope and trust in him. Keep on trusting from faith to faith. Be yourself, trust God and your husband for direction in what you should do in the ministry. People are always going to have an opinion, but how many of them have ever been a pastors wife? You've found a good sight to share in. I'll continue with the rest of the saints on this board to pray with and for you God bless you. He will keep you in perfect peace. Keep your mind stayed on him.

Judy  6/6/00 Its hard to say what you would do if you have never been there but I have. I have seen women actually put my husband against the wall with there finger in his face yelling at him.  All this because the church voted against something she wanted.  I'll admit I wanted to yank her hair out but I knew that wouldn't be the Godly thing to do so I walked off before I did something I would regret.  That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. If you would like to talke please feel free to ask for my
Email.

Leza  5/30/00 Our youth group has several who come without their parents and that is a wonderful feeling.  We have been/are in the same boat as far as finances.  Our church family has come to the rescue, however, in helping to support these youth.  We have had a pie-in-the-face contest in which people pay to be able to throw a whipped cream pie in the face of one of the youth.  You can do this by donation or by asking a specific amount.  We kept the cost down by using paper plates and the spray whipped cream and we did this OUTSIDE...less mess to clean up.  You can open this to the entire church and possible expand it to include pies-in-the-faces of your youth leader or minister or anyone
willing to participate.  We raised about $200 dollars with this simply because once it got started, everyone wanted to join in. Good Luck and you are in my prayers!

EverHischild  5/31/00 Praise the Lord for your kids. And yes, you are blessed by 55.00 a week. Our camp costs 125.00 per week. Try a bake sale, get the ladies to donate something, let the kids make something, and let the kids go to local grocery stores that have bakeries and try to get donations (of baked goods). If you have a good cook in church, take orders for her pies, cakes, or breads or whatever and let the church buy her supplies and let the kids help her with the dirty work or whatever she needs. Then figure the cost of each to make it and double or triple. Have the kids deliver them. Have a car wash. "Hire" the kids out to their neighbors or church members (in two's) for yard cleaning, lot cleaning, house cleaning, dog sitting, whatever is needed within reason. And the whole time they are doing this talk excited about camp and what God is going to do. If possible try to make enough to take a couple extra kids that can't afford it and need God. (Know any of these?) God Bless your efforts.

A PW  6/1/00 All you say is true about how great our God is and how BIG He is. HOWEVER, if you are spiritually mature maybe you can handle a little Biblical advice too. 2 Cor. 4:8 Paul says that he is hard-pressed on every side(with problems), perplexed (with emotional stress), persecuted, and struck down...and yes all this does not defeat him...but he is human enough and spiritual enough to admit and acknowledge that he is going thru some "stuff" and even James said we are to cry with those who cry and mourn with those who mourn..and I understand and agree that out God has given us the victory through J.C. but we do still have emotions and we live in a real world.....I believe there are times when it is appropriate to correct but there are also times when it is beneficial to RELATE and not to give the wrong assumption that some ministers and their wives have not arrived spiritually because they continue to struggle with very real ministry problems...the Apostle Paul was probably one of the most spiritual people to ever walk this earth and yet he was real and approachable and did not make people feel substandard. Many are the afflictions of the Righteous (in other words you are going to experience some hard times, and don't ignore them but acknowledge them and then realize that Our God is bigger) but the Lord delivereth them out of them all...This board should remain a place where PW'S can be REAL and OPEN and not feel stupid. Be honest there were times in your ministry and WILL be times when you were not so full of FAITH! Give advice but let's be a little more sensitive. God is AWESOME and it's ok for us to have a friendly place to be REAL!

Another PW  6/3/00 And all the perplexed, stressed, emotionally challenged, but victorious pastors wives say a hardy "AMEN", sister PW!  And to you, my dear sister Elizabeth, we sense that you are a woman of faith and power, but for those of us who are not yet the spiritual giant that you are, kindly let your words be few and seasoned with grace!  I pray that you will re-read some of the notes on this support board and ask the Lord to help you to be "moved with compassion" as our Savior was.  I was stunned by the tone of your note.  It did not feel like a loving rebuke but more like condemnation.  While I agree that we should not be murmurers and chronic complainers, I believe God has divinely ordained this support board for not only the spiritually mature, but also those who are broken and wounded in spirit and need encouragement and truth seasoned with love and compassion.  God be with you.

A sister PW  6/16/00 Amen to my fellow PWs responses...I totally agree!  Even the most "spiritual" of us have feelings of discouragement.  Elizabeth, while I know that true friends will tell you the truth, a true friend will also EMPATHIZE and COMFORT when you are down...and ministry CAN get us down. It is not carnal to feel the things that we do.  God made us with human emotions, after all.  I see no problem with experiencing feelings of stress and discouragement.  Even Jesus experienced those things!  Please don't condemn those of us who are human, and who are working daily to not only be aa helpmate to our husbands, nurture our children, and being faithful to God's call.  Yes, we knew we were marrying men who were going to be pastors...but we are also human beings who are allowed to have an "off day" every now and then.  While you are certainly entitled to express your opinions, I felt that it was not very sensitive, especially to those PWs who are just starting out in ministry and who are full of doubts and struggle with the "how tos" of ministry. Remember, God uses all of us.  Even "seasoned" PWs still have their days when they question, doubt, worry, and yes, complain.  Just wanted to give you something to think about.

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