The purpose of this page is to support
and encourage pastor's wives. If you are a pastor's wife and have
a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion,
please fill out the form and click submit. Responses will be added. Let's help each other!
Please also submit for our future
book. We are also planning a book for and about pastor's
kids. Please check this out if you were a pastor's kid - or have
your child give us ideas!
Due to your great responses, we have
made this Support Board into many different pages! Make sure you
read all of them!
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Page 22 - Current Page
BAB 11/21/00 Hello
to all. It has been quite eye opening to read these entries. I am
not a preacher's wife, but I am involved with my husband in a full time
ministry. We live at a full childcare facility where I
teach elementary school
full time and he cares for the maintenance needs of the equivalent of a
college campus-- residences, school, church, staff apartments, vehicles,
grounds, etc... We live with 35 elementary aged girls whom we care
for-- clothing, homework, illness, sanitation, nurturing...normal parenting
in bulk. He preaches with the other men on campus, teaches Sunday
School, helps lead the men's Bible study, directs the spiritual "life"
in our home, and helps with the communion/call to worship rotation.
He also coaches varsity soccer and helps out with the high school youth
group at church. I teach full time, direct the young elementary school
choir, lead the 9-12 year old youth group at church, lead Sunday morning
worship, teach Sunday school, and attempt to keep order at home.
We have two children, ages 1 and 2, of our own. Satan has been working
very hard to tear down the very work God has called us to in this place.
My husband and I are both very tired and struggling with illness.
I have struggled with depression, not knowing how to keep going at the
pace in which we live. Life has been quite difficult lately.
However, I know that God is alive and well in the work here. He is
involved in our daily lives, every decision we make. I know I can't
just quit because I am tired. I must keep going and know that it
is only by God's grace that I am still moving. I guess my reason
for writing, is three-fold. One, would someone please pray for the
work God is doing in this ministry, pray for my husband and
children, and pray for me?
Secondly, I simply wanted to see if there is anyone out there who
can relate to the struggle between the physical body and the spiritual
being which is within each of us as Christians. I know we are supposed
to be doing what we are doing, but my human/physical limitations seem to
keep overcoming/overwhelming me. Finally, does anyone have any helpful
advice/suggestions for a full-time working mother of two small children,
35 elementary aged children and a husband to be able to keep her house
clean?!?!?!?!? This last one is humorous, but also quite serious.
I desperately need to find a way or ways to keep our home clean. Thank
you to any of you who took the time to read this. Special thanks
to any one who actually responds to this. It will be nice to know
that someone out there is aware of our existence.
Carole 11/27/00
Wow!
And I thought I was busy! I will pray for your situation, specifically
for practical help with all your chores so that you and your husband can
get more rest. I have no great words of wisdom, just wanted you to
know I feel for you and God bless you for the work you're doing. You are
no doubt a great blessing in all those girls' lives.
Jennifer 12/29/00
I
will definitely pray for you and your family. If you are sure you
are where God wants you, don't give up--one thing I would suggest is that
you and your husband take at least one evening a week together, just you
and him spending some time together, whether you go out or just put the
kids to bed early and watch a movie, it doesn't matter. Too many
couples make the mistake of neglecting each other for the sake of the ministry
(or for the sake of their children)and that is not God's plan. PLEASE do
not allow the enemy to come in by neglecting each other. If he can
destroy your marriage, then he is effective in destroying your work for
the Lord. Spend some quiet time with God and re-evaluate your priorities
with Him, are you doing something that someone else can be doing, such
as teaching the Sunday School? Perhaps someone else is waiting for
an opportunity to use THEIR gift in that area and God wants to give YOU
a break in that area. Seek God in this area. I used to be one
in a similar position and looking back, I wonder how everything was accomplished
but I know that God's grace was upon me to fulfill the duties. Now,
He has transitioned me to a new area, which comes with new challenges.
As far as keeping your house clean, prioritizing in that area is also a
must. If you don't need it, don't keep it. Try to get rid of
clutter permanently. Some practical suggestions that are helpful
for me is taking a box and putting everything in it until after my child
is asleep, then I take the box and put everything in it in its proper place.
If you are at home before your husband and he expects it clean before he
gets there, don't worry about cleaning anything until one hour before he
is expected home, otherwise it will just get messy again. Then, one
hour before he gets home, dig in and clean up the main areas. Make
the beds as soon as you get up, it only takes a second and later you might
not get to them.
BAB 1/5/01 Carole
and Jennifer-- Thank you for your responses... We have just
returned to school and I was finally able to check this site again.
It was so encouraging to look through and find that there was really someone
out there reading it. Thank you for taking the time to encourage
a fellow believer!! Thank you also for the practical advice.
Most importantly, thank you for the time you are spending in prayer.
This site has been quite
encouraging. Thank you to all of you who are writing and being encouraging.
Your use of scripture and uplifting words are helping many more than simply
the intended reader. Thank you to all you women who are constantly
seeking ways to further serve the Lord through your ministries and the
ministries of your husbands. You are gaining jewels in your crowns.
Blessed 11/22/00
I
AM NEW TO THIS PAGE PW. I'VE READ MOST OF THE COMMENTS AND I'VE BEEN TAKE
BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF MY HUSBAND'S PASTORSHIP. ALL I CAN SAY AT THIS
WRITING, "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT"! IN THE DIFFENT WRITINGS I SAW MYSELF
AGAIN GOING OVER MANY OF THE TEST, TRAILS AND TRIBULATIONS THAT MANY OF
THE WRITERS TO THESE PAGES HAVE EXPERIENCED OR EXPERIENCING. I TRULY
SAY, ONCE I TOOK MY EYES OFF MAN AND FOCUS MY TIME AND ATTENTION ON THEE
MAN, JESUS CHRIST, MAN (MY HUSBAND) HE BEGAN TO FOCUS HIS ATTENTION
AND MORE OF HIS TIME ON ME. I DON'T HAVE TIME AT THIS WRITING TO SHARE
MY STORIES, BUT I WILL WRITE AGAIN REAL SOON. TO GOD BE THE GLORY,
I'M A WITTNESS TO THE FACT ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THEM THAT LOVE
CHRIST AND PUT HIM FIRST IN THEIR LIFE. SO MY SISTERS IN CHRIST "HANG IN
THERE, HELP IS ON THE WAY. CHANGE DOES NOT COME OVER NITE. I HAD TO BE
CONDITIONED BY THE LORD TO CHANGE MY WAY OF THINKING AND CHANGE MY PERCEPTION
OF MY ROLE AS A PASTOR WIFE WAS TO BE. I HAD TO DO A LOT OF WORK ON MY
SELF, ANE PUT GOD FIRST AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD TOP OF THE LIST.MY
HUSBAND TIME AND ATTENDTION BECAME SECOND PLACE.
Sara 11/26/00 I
am newly married to my wonderful husband who is in school to become a youth
pastor.
We actually met at the church
he had been youth pastoring at. He had to resign this position shortley
before we were married due to various reasons. I fully support and encourage
him in God's calling in his life to be a youth pastor. We both love kids
and I loved helping him during the time we were engaged. My question to
other pastor wives is this. My husband is now applying for youth pastor
jobs again, and I have to be honest in saying that in my heart I'm feeling
a tad bit nervous that I will become like other wives where I'm left at
home because he's "on all to the churh 24/7" I know this is his job and
his ministry and it's to be expected, but on the other hand, I don't want
to be left in the cold waiting for him to be home for his family. I really
don't mean to sound like I'm selfish or that I don't encourage or support
him. I'm excited for him to be back working in the church and with youth.
Just nervous that we'll lose the time we have now and the affect that will
have on our marriage and when we have children. I'm seeking to hear hopefully
from other women out there who are or who have been in the same spot as
I am. I am open to everyone. Thank you for your time and for having
this support!
Jennifer 12/29/00
I
was in a similar situation a few years ago. My husband was the youth
pastor at our church and so involved that I rarely saw him and felt so
miserable and neglected. I was also jealous because of all the attention
that everyone else (except me and our daughter) received. It is a
very real concern nowadays, so don't feel bad. The start of the change
was at a concert, you may have heard the group, "The Waiting" well, they
sing this song called, "I'll give..." and it talks about giving and not
holding back and the Lord spoke to my heart saying that I had not yet "given"
my husband to Him and that it was something I needed to do. So at
that time, I "gave" my husband to the Lord, in my heart, I "freed" him
to do what God had called him to do, even if that meant I never saw him.
Well, God started changing things. God used several older men, our
"spiritual fathers" to caution my husband on the dangers of neglecting
family for the sake of the ministry. And God also changed my husband's
heart. He is still on fire for God but has matured to be able to
minister and give out to others without always taking so much from us.
He even made public a goal he has for this year to spend more quality time
with us, even though the level of time he spends with us has greatly improved.
The expectations that people have for pastors and church workers far exceed
the expectations that people place on other members of the community and
even exceed the expectations people have for themselves. I read a
survey once that had people put in the amount of time they expected their
pastors to spend on specific things (listed) and the results were so ridiculous,
it added up to like 180 hours MORE than were even IN the week and that
didn't even give time for the pastor to sleep, eat, or see his family,
so one thing that tells me is that pastors, (all of us, but definitely
pastors) MUST be God-pleasers and not man-pleasers. We will never
please man and it is a good thing we don't have to, we must be pleasing
to God. Part of that is keeping our priorities straight. Please
don't discount the power of your prayers, either. It is important
that you keep your husband in prayer. This is an area that all wives
must be diligent in, especially ministry wives--your husband needs you
in this area.
Phyllis 11/27/00
Question:
I just need help, I am a pastor's wife here in Germany. I have been here
for 17 yrs, andwould you believe I really don't have a close friend.
I really desire to have one but, you never know if they want to be your
friend or use you. This is the point, I have become so bitter I believe
with some of the things I've went through, I'm fearful and at this point
I'm not a great support to my husband. I am so caught up in what
people think about me it is not funny, and it is a big hinderance in my
life. I just really need another pastor wife that understands.
11/28/00 I understand
about the friend thing, I befriended someone but then I found out that
she constantly hung around pastors wives, besides me and I started looking
squinty eyed at her she was a gossiper so I had to distance myself from
her. And I have been praying for a freind again I latched on to another
gossiper so we grew apart. I just keep praying. But you said
that you are caught up in what people think about you. YOU MUST LET
THAT GO. You cannot be a people pleaser, and no matter what you do, good
or bad everyone is not going to like you. BE YOURSELF.
Ruth 11/28/00 Dear
Phyllis upon reading your message I felt the need to respond. First
let me say that you are blessed to have your marriage for 17 years that
means that you have done something right, right. I understand the
need to have a spiritual sister that you can share with. We will pray and
touch and agree that God will send a sister your way so that you can be
ministered to as well as minister to her needs. In this walk I have
learned that when people take advantage of us or the ministry I remember
the scripture that says: Touch Not My Anointed Do My Prophet No Harm.
That is a warning and I know that God will take care of that battle for
me even if I never see it or hear about it I turn it over to him.
Oh this is the biggy begin caught up with what people say about you, listen
my dear sister the word tells us that we cannot be man pleasers.
You must be struggling with lack of confidence, boldness for the Lord.
Study to show yourself approved so that when you stand before the people
of God you will have the boldness because you and God will have done your
homework and He will certainly not make you ashamed if you do what His
word says. I use to be just like that I wanted everybody to like
me well everybody want like you. So what. you don't have a friend
you always have a friend in Jesus. If you are concerned about their
feelings more than their souls then you need to have a talk with Jesus.
So let's begin from this minute to focus on the ministry that God has given
you and your husband. God never gives a vision without making provision
so you continue to look to the hills for your help. These words are spoken
out of Love to you my dear sister because the only people we can change
are ourselves with the grace of God. I pray that the love of God
will continue to sustain you give you peace and joy that you have never
felt before. Be blessed and know that I am praying for you.
Sandy 11/28/00 I
just read your post and wanted to let you know that I would try to be that
pastor's wife that understands. I too have no close friends for the
reason that I can't. There are sometimes that I would really like
to just talk and be open with another friend without having to be careful
not to say the wrong thing or watch what I say because it could be taken
the wrong way. Do you know what I mean? My husband is my best
friend and we talk about everything but you know, sometimes you'd just
like to talk to another lady that REALLY knows how you feel. Since
pastoring my husband and myself have been thru a few trials with betrayal
by other people and if you let it, you could become bitter but that is
not God's will. I'd like to talk by e-mail to you sometime.
You may ask RockDove for my e-mail address. Hope to hear from you
soon.
vida 11/30/00 you
seem troubled, and I don't know if I can do much for you. But yes,
a PAstor's personal life is for sure very tough when it comes to friends.
I have one friend only, we have friends for 2 years. Before the Lord brought
us together, there was no one, I spent my life alone, without close friends.
I really prayed a lot in that area, for I needed a woman's support. And
I know that It is the Lord's doing, becoause I am a very suspicious, and
alone person, and only with God;s intervetion, I allowed this lady into
my life. It has been a great blessing ever since. To allow a root
of bitterness to spring up is dangerous, for the Word says it defiles many
(children, husband, congregation etc..)By allowing bitterness you are saying:"
Lord, You don't want me to have a friend, why don't you give me a friend?
we end up blaming God, the ministry, others, But what we must never forget
is that the Lord is IN CONTROl of evertything and that there is a very
good reason why there is no frienship, although He does not have to tell
us why, we need to trust in HIm. The time that you spend, wondering,
wishing, searching, use to give to others, suport your husbansd, be watchful,
endure affliction and fulfill your ministry says the Word in 2 Tim 4:3.Deal
with all unforgiveness, resentment of anything that has happenedin the
past. Give yourself wholeheartedly to praying in this area, and in
due time (even if it is 30 years), the Lord will, come through to you.
He is good, faithful, just, and knows what is the best for all of us. He
says in Jer 29, Ihave a future and hope for you!!!! he loves you, sort
out before Him all thatbthe locusts and the cancerworm has eaten, restore
what is broken, live for the Lord (the only friend worth having) and wait
for a friend. Be a friend, although you do not have one and give, give
give. Sorry if I preach this morning, I understand the feeling of
loneliness, but in it discovered the power of prayer, it made me
closer to the Lord, and I appreciate the friend I have today!! I pray that
God would minister to your heart, and feel welcome to write to me.
Darlene 11/27/00
I
appreciate the comments on working wives. My husband is a full time
pastor and I am a Director of Nurses in a nursing home and we have foster
children. My husband and I have a vision of being in full time ministry
but the church does not share this vision if it means more money for my
husband. We may have the option of taking in more foster children
in order for me to quit working, my husband is concerned about me giving
up my career. We are concerned about not being able to pay our bills
if I do quit. Any ideas or insight? My job not only includes
a good salary but also a lot of responsibily and stress and many hours.
By the time I do my best at work there is not much of me left for my family
or the church or for the Lord. I have to struggle daily for prayer
time and study time where at times I resent so many services at the church.
Pray for us that the Lord's will will be done.
Teresa 12/14/00
I
to am a Pastor's Wife and work full time. I am a CMA and also have lots
of stressors and Lots of hours. I to have to struggle for time with my
Lord. I miss him and spending time in prayer and reading the Bible. My
husband and I also dream of building a church that wants to grow. We have
been praying regarding Full Time Service, My husband is, but I work. I
want so much to be a Full Time Pastor's Wife. My suggestion would to d/w
your husband what his desires are and yours. Kneel together in prayer and
ask God for leadership. If God be for you who can be against you. Wait
upon the Lord. and that sometimes can be the hardest of all. Keep me posted.
Nina 11/28/00 Asking
for prayer the group of people, I call them PP and and the gang has finally
succeded in getting my husband out of the church. They did it through
a lie the deacons said they found out that his ordination papers were'nt
legal. It was confirmed that the church lied, however, my husband
resigned because although 80% of the church was for him, the 20% won't
stop and it's just not worth it because the 80% won't stand up to the 20%
(make sense?). Anyway, I feel sad for the youth, beacause they were
really beginning to blossom under our ministry. My husband is being
led to start a new church, but I am scared. Please pray for us, if
you have any suggestions let me know. How should I support him in
this transition?
Teresa 12/14/00
My
heart goes out to you. I am in a situation almost like that. We also have
a few PP who succeded to vote my Pastor/Husband out the the church. It
was through alot of sneaking and around and lies. I am praying for them
daily. I just think how sad it is that people can let the flesh overtake
their minds. We have not been through anything like this, and I to feel
that I have no friends to talk to. I understand Nina, and If I can be a
friend to you I sure will. That's what it is all about right? Just remember
what our Lord and Savior went through. Jesus said he would not put any
more upon us that we could not bear. I feel right now that I cannot carry
the cross, but my God is with thee.
Jennifer 12/29/00
We
recently went through a similar experience. It is a very difficult
position but very important to understand your position in God's kingdom
and that is as one of His chosen leaders and WE CAN NOT AFFORD TO, in THIS
POSITION, allow offenses and unforgiveness to come in and hinder the ministry
God has given to us. Unforgiveness will effectively block any fruitfulness
and we need to carry on with what God would have us do. He says we
should pray for them that persecute us and spitefully use us. So
that is something else we can do. Choose to forgive, ask God to help
you forgive and then joyfully carry on with God's plan for your life.
If you look back, "offense" means the part of a trap to which bait is attached
and when offenses come, it is only bait put there by the enemy to trap
US. So that is one reason why we must forgive, let it go, and carry
on. Think on those things which are pure, lovely, and of a good report
and do what God is calling you to do. Sometimes, it is scary, but
God is there. If God be for us, who can be against us?
Suzy 11/28/00 HEY
GUYS - I HAVE A DILEMMA. A FEW MONTHS AGO 3 FAMILIES LEFT OUR
CHURCH IN ATTEMPTS OF CAUSING A CHURCH SPLIT. THEY WENT DOWN THE
CHURCH ROLL CALLING MOST EVERYONE TO GAIN ALLIANCE AND TAKE FAMILIES WITH
THEM, ETC. WE DID WHAT WE COULD TO BEHAVE HONORABLY INSPITE OF THE
CIRCUMSTANCES. WE HAVE NOT HAD CONTACT WITH ANY OF THEM SINCE --NOT
ON PURPOSE --JUST NOT IN SAME CIRCLES ANY LONGER. WELL QUESTION
IS WITH CHRISTMAS UPON US, WE WONDER IF WE SHOULD SEND A CARD TO THESE
FAMILIES OR NOT. I KNOW OUR REMAINING CONGREGATION WILL WONDER WHAT
TO DO AS WELL. THERE IS A PART OF ME THAT SAYS NO BECAUSE I DON'T
REALLY WANT TO RE-OPEN THE DOOR OF THEIR ACTIVILY CHASING OUR SHEEP AGAIN.
BUT --THE OLD WWJD ISSUE HITS ME TOO. ANY ONE HAVE ANY IDEAS?
THANKS
Angel 11/28/00
I
am writing to solicit your prayers. I am a Pastor's wife. My
family and I have been under attack of the enemy for quite a few months.
My husband spanked one of our sons and my son reported it and the state
came into our home and removed all four of our children and arrested my
husband. We have been ordered by the court to go to parenting classes,
counseling and psychological evaluations, etc. We have followed all
of the guidelines to the letter and yet, we are still not allowed to see
our children without supervision and we are now being told that the children
will be out of our home another 6 months! They were taken on August
23, 2000. The state has also said that if my husband removes himself
from our home, they will let 2 of the children return. My husband
is a very strong Christian man, wonderful husband and father. My
husband went before the judge today for sentencing and got sentenced to
5 days in jail, along with 24 months probation, several fines and 100 hours
of community service, along with other classes he must take, along with
counseling. We want our family back together and would like you all
to pray along with us that God will bring us all back together. Our
2 girls 5 and 7 are in a foster home in another town, and our boys 11 and
13 are in a foster home here in town. The girls' former foster mom
had a stroke in church last Sunday and is now in a coma, so the girls were
removed (again) and put into another home in another town. Please
pray for us that we will get our children back. My husband is very
sorry he spanked our son and has conveyed this to the state, but they seem
to want to make an example of him. They have said they want to keep
the children for a year, even if we do all that they ask of us.
a praying mom 12/1/00
My
heart goes out to you. How you must hurt to have your children back,
especially at holiday time. I am praying that your family be reunited,
and also that your children will know in their hearts of your love for
them. Keep us posted.
ruthie 12/1/00
Just
need a prayer request. I have a daughter that is going to give her
15 yr. old son a kidney in March. She is in Nurses Training (RN)
and works at a local Hospital (10 yrs.) She is having a hard time remembering
the things she studies for tests. She has two more to go. One
of them is equivalent to four tests. Pray that God will help her
remember what she studies so she can pass these
two tests... I also
havea daughter that will get her cap and pin (LPN) in Dec. 5 days
after graduation she will have neck surgery (5th-6th & 6th& 7th
vertebrae) She has been in severe pain, bu wants to finish her schooling.
God can help her make it to Dec. 14th to graduate.... Please remember
her too. I read so many things that I relate to as a Pastor's wife.
We have been 'team mates' in ministry for 40 years this coming Feb.
It has been a wonderful life. I enjoy it. There have been hard
places to Pastor, difficult people to Pastor (grace builders) and physical
difficulties to endure, but God has been so good and His grace has been
sufficient all the way!! I have a wonderful husband who also put the church
first when the children were little. He thought that was what he
should do. He would do things different if he could go back, but
that is impossible. We live closer to our children (4girls) now than
we have in many years. God is first in our lives and always will
be. When our children need us or need something, we intend to be
there for them. We planted a church 2 yrs. ago in March - a first for us.
we ahve pastored established churches always before. This has been
a new experience and challenge for us. God didn't call me to be a
Pastor's wife, in fact I said I wouldn't marry a preacher, but God changed
my plans. I love and respect my husband with all my heart.
He practices what he preaches (if he didn't I wouldn't waste my time to
listen to him) We have worked together in ministry all these years.
God is leading in another direction at this time and we want his will for
our lives. Ladies - take time for yourself, your children and your
husband in the midst of all the ministry. God expects that.
We have date night every Friday night, and go somewhere special to eat,
and spend that time together. Monday nights used to be Family Night
when the girls were at home. Thanks for listening. Help us
pray for God's will in our decisions the next few months, and for the girls.
God bless each of you.
jaynie 12/2/00
i
just need a friend who could understand what i am going through. i am not
yet a pastor's wife yet but next year i would be. right now i am having
a hard time being a pastor's girlfriend and i cannot cope up with the pressures
of the expectations people have on me and i could not find a friend who
would really understand without misjudging my actions. i pray that in some
way someone would be of help to me.
Kay 12/2/00 I'm
on the committee that plans an annual retreat for the minister's wives
of our state. Sure would love to hear from some of you as to what your
denomination provides for you. What time of year do you meet, how
many days, where, do you have speakers or workshops. Please help. I need
some ideas soon to present at our planning meeting. Thanks
Puppetmaker 12/6/00
I
have been to several (both as an attendee and as a speaker) and they were
all different. The best one was held at Whitestone, near Kingston
TN. It is a bed and breakfast, by far the nicest place I have ever
stayed. They have a web page (www.whitestone.com - if that doesn't
work try www.whitestones.com). Every minister and wife should visit Whitestone.
It is beautiful, the food is wonderful and you really can relax and rest.
I attended an editors retreat there. Usually there are speakers,
different topics,sometimes there are several at the same time so you can
pick and choose. Some are held in churches, others in hotels, and
some at reatreat centers or Bed and Breakfasts that have conference facilities.
The ones I have planned have an overall theme and we try to work within
that theme (class titles, decorations, etc). I try to have a favor
for each lady to take home, as a momento of the meeting.
Donna 12/20/00 Hi
Kay. I am with the Assemblies of God denomination and we have a Minister's
Wives retreat every September. Being from New Jersey, we have had
our retreat in a variety of places nearby: at Cape May this year and Lancaster
PA, last year. What a blessing we truly had! It is so enjoyable
to be able to speak with other Pastor's wives. You can contact me
through my email address and I can give you details regarding the retreats
and speakers if you care to. God Bless!
Rock Dove Donna,
will you please send us your e-mail address - Kay would like it and it
has been misplaced. Thank you!
1XPW 12/4/00 Hello
ladies! I would like to respond to the ladies who have knowledge
of their husbands affairs outsside of the church. I am dating a preacher
(widower) now for a few months. We get along just fine and I feel that
there may be more to our relationship. I too have experienced some of the
things that most of you have regarding spending time with him. My problem
is that I have heard (from good sources) that he was involved (had an affair)
with a woman for over fiver years. I have heard that he was like this other
womans husband. They were together all of the time, and she even traveled
with him all over the country. The story is that he was in an affair with
this woman when his wife passed away suddenly. That was a few years
ago. He has never mentioned this woman or this affair to me. He has
said that he has not been with anyone since his wife's death. here are
many reasons why I do not believe him other than the fact that I have heard
the story about this woman from many sources. My question is should I bring
up the story or should I wait for him to tell me about it. He pastors a
well know church, and one of my friends says that he is a cheat if he did
this to his wife. I love the Lord wwith all of my heart, and would
love a chance to minister to other woman who need help. I have had thoughts
of marrying this man, but I am not sure if I should continue a relationship
with him. ALso, I do not know if he may still see this woman or not. Anyone
who has been in this kind of situation or has any insight, please respond
or email me. He is very nice to me, and I really do care for him. Yours
in christ, and thank you.
unity 12/5/00 Hi!
I am writing to ask each of you to send me the name of your present insurance
company. We are looking to change. Also note if any of your
companies are for pastors. Thanks
Puppetmaker 12/6/00
You
didn't say if you wanted church insurance, life or health insurance. Our
insurance company is Guide One. They have great church coverage,
and they offer some things others don't-like insurance for sexual misconduct
- which simply means they will hire an attorney and fight for youif the
pastor or any staff mamber (paid or volunteer) is accused of anything.
In this sue happy world, thats worth having. They also offer life insurance
for the pastor. They are not cheap! I too would be interested to
hear of other companies that insure churches. We are on the gulf
coast, and many companies (Like Church Mutual) will not write insurance
here.
Teresa 12/14/00
Hello,
I have read some of the stories for the Pastor's Wives. I have been a Pastor's
Wife for 12 ears, and I do thank the Lord for that. My Pastor/Husband and
I have been going through a battle the last few months. I do ask for prayer.
We have never faced a battle such at this before. I know Romans 8:28 and
I have been holding on dear to that. My heart is so broken now. This is
the first time in 23 years, I just feel that I am not helping my husband.
I have no strength. Please pray for me that I can get deliverence from
this, and that God will restore my strength. This is the first time I feel
I have no one to talk to that knows "Just how I feel". (other than the
Lord). I am not sure what to do at all. So, If you get this,
Just pray for Teresa, and most of all Church members. They need our love
and prayers as well. Thank you so much for your time. In Christ
Love Teresa .
Mekka 12/16/00
Have
not been here in a while. It was good to see the time when all who posted
were talking about the bblessing it has been to be a PW. I would like your
prayers as our church right now. My husband has hd to take on a part time
job or it will be after the Chirstmas season. Finances are not good right
now. I have been driving school bus for 11 yrs. I started driving to be
home with my children when they were out of school but I ended up loving
it. Though sometimes it gets to you. My husband has not worked for many
years and just found out he has diebeties. We have no insurance to cover
the cost of his medications. It is diet and med. controled. He has a hard
time staying with any diet that puts restrictions on what he eats. He also
found out the tendens in his feet are seperating. We do not have the money
for him to keep going to the doctors but he needs to go. I do not want
to see him not be abble to do God's work. So please keep us in your prayers.
for peace 12/22/00
Hi
Ladies: I'm a pastor's wife. Although we've been in ministry for
years, we only just started our ministry a few months ago. We are
having our services in our home until the lord blesses with a building.
My question is how far do you go with people before you finally realize
that they are using you? The first fruit of our ministry is a couple whom
has drained my husband and I in such a short period of time. We did
everyting for them. Although they are not married, they are engaged
supposedly. He is living with another women and my sister opened up her
home to the girl. Prior to that, she was in a shelter. We helped her get
a job, took her shopping, drive her from one state to the next to get her
daughe whom she don't have custody of. She has a son with her one
years old. And she think she is pregnat again. After she got saved
in our ministry she fell backwards twice in two months, thats how she got
pregnat. She is totally disrespectful to my sister and just yesterday,
she got disrespectuly with me. I love her and i'm concerned about
her, but she don't want to let go of her background even though she say
she does. People say she is just using us. both of them constantly
calls my home with their arguments. Who slept with this one or that
one. Although i'm emotionally attached, the blatin sin in our faces
makes it difficult to deal with when they don't see the error of their
ways. We feel these peole whom we hardly know has cost us sleepless nithes,
worries and hurts and pains. We wat them to have a wonderful life
in christ, however, all my husbands good teachings seem to be of no avail
to them. My heart hurts for them. Especiall the girl, whom
I feellike is my own daughter, but she constantly shows how ungratful she
is. Today my sister told her she have to leave. the only place she
has to go is to her mother's house. He monthe is on drugs and was on drugs
since she was two years old. Father is an alcholholi. I truly tried
everthing to help her and I feel it was wasted and I'm hurting to have
to turn her over to the enemy. but thats seem what she wants. What
do you do? Please respond to my email address.
Barbara 1/2/01
I
just discovered this site and read the letters from pastors' wives.
The letters brought back a lot of memories, and kindled a lot of compassion.
My husband has been a full-time pastor for 29 years. We recently accepted
a church in Florida and starting over is always difficult, and yet, offers
excitement and anticipation. We began another ministry about 18 months
ago. Servant to Servant Ministries is for the purpose of ministering
to Pastors and spouses. At times STS seems overwhelming because resources
are limited, but I am reminded that God is never limited. Just a
word of encouragement to pastors/spouses - "He is able to keep you."
As I read the different letters, I am stopping to say a prayer for you.
May you be encouraged in Him today.
Victory 1/2/01
Does
anyone have any information on where to get health insurance for our family?
My husband has pastored full-time for nearly 2 years and we have had health
insurance thru his last job and it runs out in March. I've been looking
for other insurance and it doesn't look good. I was wondering what
other Pastor's families may be using. Also, we're looking for health
insurance with Maternity which makes it more difficult. Thanks.
Patricia 1/4/01
I
have recently come across some information that may help you and others
with healthcare needs. There is a Christian organization called "Medishare".
The website is www.tccm.org and the toll-free number is 1-888-PSALM23(772-5623).
Following is an excerpt from their site explaining the program: "...The
best way to explain the concept in its most basic form is that each month
we add up all the medical bills submitted by members. We divide them by
the number of sharing households. Each household is sent a sharing notice.
Each household sends it¹s share and the bills are paid. As a member
of Christian care ministry you will be on the giving side, when you are
well, and the receiving side when you are ill. When you are well you will
receive a monthly sharing notice informing you of a specific member who
incurred medical bills. You are assigned each month to send your monthly
share to assist in paying the medical bills for a specific person. You
are asked to keep that person in your prayers that month and send your
share to the home office where it is combined with the shares sent by other
assigned members. The medical bills are then paid from shares sent by those
assigned members. When you incur medical bills send them to our processing
office where processors check to be sure they are eligible. Eligibility
is determined by membership voted Guidelines. Members vote on how they
wish to share with one another. Our computers assign specific members to
share in paying your eligible medical bills. Those members are sent a sharing
notice that tells them your name address and nature of your illness (if
it is not too personal). They will hold you up in prayer and send you a
card or letter of encouragement and send their monthly shares. Upon receiving
the shares from those assigned, your bills are paid. Note: The sharing
system is not guaranteed in any way. Even though tens of millions of dollars
in medical bills have been paid since inception and every single eligible
medical need has been paid, it is not guaranteed...." They will explain
the program in total if you call their toll free number. Also, I
just learned early this morning on Christian television of yet another
program I had never heard of. (God must have woke me up just to hear this
to share with you today!). There is a little known federal program
called the HILL-BURTON FUND. Their toll free number is 1-800-638-0742.
I tried it and it is legit. There is also a web address (its rather
lengthy) but here it is: www.unitedwayatl.org/211_Database/helpbook/F4329000.html
Any participating hospital that receives federal funds must make Hill Burton
funds available for free or low cost healthcare to people who cannot afford
to pay. There are some limitations on the types of services they
will cover. The patient MUST SPECIFICALLY REQUEST HILL BURTON ASSISTANCE.
The hospital WILL NOT volunteer this information. The tragic thing
is that a lot of this money doesn't get used because people don't ask for
it (most people don't even know the help exists) I would suggest
calling the toll-free number and requesti!
ng the packet of information
that applies to your state. Hope this information is of help to you.
You are in my prayers!
puppetmaker 1/4/01
by
law your husbands employer/insurance company must make insurance available
to you (you will have to pay the premiums) when his job ends. It usually
is not cheap (when my husbands job ended it would have cost us $600 per
month to keep the coverage for a family of 4, when we moved it was the
same with my job). But... if you are expecting, you might want to keep
the coverage, since no insurance company is going to insure you on a pre
existing condition (there are rules about this, but pregnancy isn't included).
Some pastors use groups like the Brotherhood (there are others, I don't
know the names)where you help each other. I have friends that have
used this and say it works great. It is about $200 for a fmaily of four
per month. Others of us trust God and pray a lot. We have not had
insurance in 6 years, and PTL, we have not had anything worse than a cold.
Our church does not provide insurance simply because they, nor we, can
afford it. Find out about the county/state hospital nearest you.
Here we have a large medical branch of one of the universities and they
have a program where they treat you on a sliding scale according to income.
The treatment is top notch beacause of the university, and you won;t be
ovewhelmed by the bills. I used a different branch of this university
when my son was small. even though we had insurance (and they will bill
if you do), I was told that this was the best care I could get for him.
Hope this helps.
unsure 1/3/01 Hi,
I have a question and don't know where else to turn. My husband is
in the ministry. He is highly admired. Too admired by one lady
in the church as far as I am concerned. My husband also admires some
of the work she does in the church. I am uncomfortable with this.
There seems to be some kind of chemistry there. My husband has never
had an affair, nor do I think he would ever have one. I don't like
how much she talks to him though. Should I tell him my feelings about
this? Or could it cause a bigger problem? She is very involved
in the church and there is no chance of her leaving and it would cause
a big problem within the church if it was ever suggested. I have
felt this way for 4 years and recently it has gotten worse. My mother-in-law
even visited and she and my husband talked about how wonderful this lady
is!
Thankful 1/8/01
I
read your post on 1/3/01 and wanted to respond. I'm praying for you
for what you're feeling is felt by a lot of pastor's wives these days and
times. One of satan's main targets is a pastor and his family.
He will send a Delilah by to distract and so many other things. But,
I don't know how you are but I would have to talk to my husband if I suspected
something. Just tell him that you feel very uncomfortable about this
woman and that you're suspicious of her motives. My husband and I
are very open with one another and I tell him how I feel and he tells me
how he feels. It's best to let him know that something is bothering
you now than to wish that you had later. Nip it in the bud!
minister wife 1/4/00
I
hope that everyone has had a blessed and a happy new year 2001!.Well let's
continue to keep jesus christ in our hearts daily.I've have a question
I'm curuious,What's the different between a pastor and minister?.Why is
that in the Baptist Black churches that the congeration always focus on
the pastor and not of the minister?.Does the minister preaches the same
sermons that the pastor does?.I know that my husband is a good minister
,but the members don't come to us for anything,my husband want to gain
their trust,how can I as a minster wife do the same ,gaining the members
trust?.I would like some feed back on this dilemia that we are facing everyday.Beleive
me we open with the members in our church,but they always call on the pastor.I
feel not wanter not only by the church members.I appericate all your input.I've
only been a minister for 4years what is accept of this?
someone cares 1/5/01
There
is a difference between Pastors and Ministers. While it is true that
they both preach the same word, the roles are somewhat different.
The Pastor is the leader and over sees the entire body, even the ministers.
It is the ministers role to fall under the leadership of the Pastor just
as the wife falls under the leadership of her husband. Apparently the congregation
feels comfortable going to the Pastor for counseling and that is fine.
Maybe counseling is not your area. There are many areas of work in
ministry. You should pray and ask God to show you where he
wants you to work. You're gift makes room for and it is confirmed
by the body. You should not have to force your way into a gift.
Sometimes the areas that we want to work in may not be our calling.
If I can't sing, there is no reason for me to join the praise singers.
If I don't have a pleasant attitude, then there is no reason for me to
become a greeter. If I can't play the organ or piano, then there
is no reason for to be minister of music. But, if I can cook and
love doing it then I should consider joining the hospitality ministry.
Your gift will make room for you. Pray and seek the Lord to find
your gift. It may not be what you want to do but, it will be something
that you are good at and enjoy doing. And of course we know that
there are many gifts but the greatest gift of all if Love. If we
don't have that one, the others don't mean a thing. God Bless You Sister.
Safe in His Arms
1/6/01 I am a Pastors Wife of a medium sized Black Baptist church.
You asked what the difference is between a Minister and Pastor. The
Pastor is a Minister who is called by God to lead a flock. God provides
the vision for the church to the Pastor, and holds the Pastor accountable
for the spiritual growth of each and every member of the congregation.
The Associate Minister is called to assist the Pastor in this mission,
and serve under him. When God is ready, he will instruct the Pastor
to delegate Ministries within the church to the Associate Minister, at
which time the members will go to the Associate Minister for direction
in these Ministries. Let me share this with you, our Associate Minister
is very faithful to my husband. Whenever he is called on for anything,
whether it is providing a message at mid-week service, shoveling snow,
or just making sure that I am taken care of (carrying packages from the
car, etc.), he is willing to serve. He has a servants heart, and
will gain respect and trust from the congregation because of that.
Now, my husband has delegated certain responsibilities to him, because
of his faithfulness, and the members go to him when they have requests
pertaining to the areas of the Ministry he has leadership of. I do
pray now for you and your husband, my Sister, that God will lead you both
to a complete understanding of what he requires of you as an Associate
Minister and Minister's Wife at your home church. If you would like
to talk privately about my comments, please feel free to request my e-mail
address through RockDove. May God bless you.
Minister wifelolo
1-15-01 I turly am blessed to be in the LORD thank you ladies
who responded to my
inquiry re:The Pastor and
minister postion I really don't understand the difference between the two,but
in time I'll will.I would love to chat thu email with you Please contact
Rockdove for my email I do have more I would like to discuss. your sister
in christ
First Lady 1/5/01
I
would like to invite Pastors' Wives who are interested in attending an
upcoming Pastor's Wife Conference that will be held in Atlanta, GA. Please
respond by e-mail to be placed on the mailing list for more information.
Thanks and God bless. FirstladiesFirst@Yahoo.com
sue 1/7/01 hi
ladies Iam going to be a pastors wife and I know its tuff trying to be
there for everybody and not having your own thing together. an Gods calls
you husband to be Pastor well i know thaat Iam goning tobe real because
you can't please traditional people . So I will do the work of th elord
and stand by my husband, but Iam not going to let people wear us out Iam
his helpmate and I will help him by
provideing leadres to help
in the ministry as far as speaking to families about little cat fights
amoung them now if there is a real problem then the pastor can be called
but Pastors have a life and a responsiblity to their own family so ladies
get those people off of you Pastos and yourself and statr apointing
helpers in the chruch to be leaders and having them call on others Eldres
and deacons
for their small problems,
and you will see how soon the don"t have them any mor e a lot of them just
want to be in the Pastors mix any way to try to get something on Him to
bring down so Ladie protect
and respect and stand your
Man of God so he can Love you and Shower and cover you like he should be
cause behind every good man is a good women . And God said a Man wo findth
a Wif e findth a Good thing. Peace
someonecares 1/8/01
If
I understood you correctly you said that you are going to be a pastors
wife. I admire your post and I think you have a wonderful attitude
toward the ministry and helping your husband. Keep that attitute.
But, I will be very curious to read your posts once you have become
a pastors wife. I think you're going to be in for a true awakening.
I will tell you ahead of time you must pray, pray, pray, pray. I think
this will be the answer from every ministers and pastors wife on this site.
Ministry is awesome and is very rewarding but is by no way easy. I will
not be anything like you wrote. But if you keep this attitude, and
pray, pray, pray, you will be on the right track. God bless you.
Julianna 1/7/01
Submission
or Resistance? My husband is planning on us planting a church soon
and I've not felt right about it ever since it was first mentioned.
I think a lot of it is because our priorities are not right. We used
to be in the Children's Ministry and Ministry was the first priority, before
God, and before our marriage. Since then, God has really worked in
me and with me to get priorities straightened out and focus first on Him,
then on my husband and children, before ministry. My husband, however,
is still focused on ministry first. I really don't want to go back
into ministry - as much as I love it - without a strong foundation in our
marriage, especially pastoring a church. Yet I also want to be a
support to my husband and stand with him in this endeavor. I've communicated
this to him, but he doesn't think anything is wrong. I'm having trouble
deciding if I should follow my conviction, not getting involved yet supporting
him, or should I get involved no matter what our marriage is
like and trust God that it will change. Any suggestions would be
helpful. thank you.
puppetmaker 1/12/01
We
consider God/Ministry to go together. You really can't seperate one
from the other. But if you want to do what the Word says you do have
to support your husband. It will be much easier for you if you will
get with him, because church planting is not easy but is very rewarding.
Gail 1/22/01 Hi
Julianna, I'm a pastor's wife and I want you to know that I completely
disagree with puppetmaker! God and ministry are definately seperate and
need to be. God is your heavenly Father, Ministry is your response
to your calling or if you're married you and your husbands response to
your calling. God also called you and your husband to be married.
Part of your husband's ministry is to his wife and children. God
first, wife second, children third, ministry within the church forth.
If you have a failing marriage you will have a failing ministry.
The two of you are one and you need to be functioning as one in all things.
How on earth is your husband going to preach on being a good husband
and father to his congregation, if he can't do it himself. Scripture
says: A pastor (Overseer) MUST be one who manages his own household well.
Julianna, if your husband fails to do that, then he disqualifies himself
as a pastor. Get your marriage back on track, than go foreward in ministry.God
would never sacrifice a couple's marriage for ministry unto Him. For it
is the example of marriage that He uses to explain our precious relationship
with Jesus Christ. I'll be praying for you!
Curious 1/8/01
I've
got a question. I was just wondering what some of you ladies think
about coregraphic dancing in church. It seems to be a trendy thing
in the last few years. I've seen people dance "in the Spirit" and not how
somebody taught them. I was just wondering.
puppetmaker 1/12/01
I
am against choreography in the church. I do not believe David practiced
before he danced before the Lord. We have always been against dancing
in any form, other than in the spirit, and this is part of dancing.
By the same token, I do not believe you have to be taught how to worshop.
I am referring to a flier I received yesterday for a workshop. As far as
I can tell, in the Bible they worshipped from their heart, and I believe
we should do the same:
EverHischild 1/9/01
Greetings
to All: I have not posted anything here for months. I am so astonished
every time that I read the letters on this site. They are so "real" to
my life. It is as if I wrote a lot of them.
We are still at our first
little church.(been here 2 yrs.) Our faith is truly being put to the test.
When we first got here, we had a house full of people. We walked around
praising the Lord. Now two years later, we are standing and believing God
for victory.(down to about 7 or 8 faithful, fulltime christians). Since
this is our first church, my husband and I blame ourselves. We know we
do not know a lot about pastoring. Everyone says "No, this church does
like this all the time." But we still fight discouragement. My husband
says he does not want to be responsible for destroying a work of God. But
I don't see what he could do different. People will come up for prayer
in front of the Church body and ask that he pray a blessing over them.
When he says what do you need, they will reply "Oh, I am pregnant and my
boyfriend is mad.". He says are you married? She says "Oh, not, we don't
think it is time.". We have even found out that some of our leaders in
church have lived in adultry for years. I really believe in their minds
it is not sin. And there is no guilt or remorse. None. The Lord lays a
message on his heart to preach and he preaches it in love (I mean that).
But they have no response. I have never seen anything like it. Please
pray with me that the Lord will break thru these strongholds of sin that
have to be keeping any blessings from flowing in our church. And pray for
me. I am very lonely. Bless you. If anyone would like to email, ask
for my email. Thanks.
puppetmaker 1/12/01
I
can relate. This is our second pastorate. Isn't it amazing that people
seem think there is no sin, or if they do believe in sin they think it
is ok to do it, and then ask forgiveness. Feel free to email me. Don't
you or your husband beat yourself down with this (a trick of the enemy).
You can't help it if people do not want to be faithful or serve God.
What do I do? 1/9/01
My
husband is a Minister of Music and the Pastor of our church is acting like
"God" in the church. It is a very small church and the pastor basically
finances the church all by himself. With that in mind he demands
that he isn't held accountable to anyone in the church, not even the deacons.
He has started making threats on my husbands job because my husband is
starting to add new programs and the people are getting excited, and the
pastor is feeling threatend that he will lose his total control over the
church. What are my husband and I supposed to do without losing the
position at this church. We do not feel as if God is leading us somewhere
else because we have had the opportunity to lead three people to Christ
and we are still working with many more. We don't want to be pushed
away from the work God has given us to do. If you have suggestions on what
to do please give them to me. We are willing to try just about anything.
someone cares 1/11/01
The
only option you have in this situation is to pray for your Pastor.
You let the Lord handle Pastors. Even when you don't understand
his actions or when you don't agree with what he's doing you have to still
be humble. This situation could prove to be a test for you and your
husband. How you handle it could determine your next level. Pray
for the pastor and remain humble. Continue to be obedient to leadership
even if you don't agree. As long as he's not instructing you to do
something that is wrong,
continue to follow the vision. You should not have your own vision.
Anything with two heads is a Monster. There can only be one leader.
Pray, submit to leadership and watch the Lord bless you tremendously.
My husband is also a Minister of Music and he always has ideas, but he
will never go against what the Pastor says. He will always submit and follow
leadership. God Bless.
Dina 1/11/01 I've
got a women's ministry question. Our church runs about 150 and we have
had a thriving ladies group but lately I seem not to be pleasing anyone
with it. I have talked to many ladies and
they all have a different
opinion on what this ministry should involve and I have to admit that I
am a bit overwhelmed with it all. Some want just social events, some want
fund-raising, some want all spiritual emphasis, some want no meetings just
activites within the church and I want what God wants! I have done ladies
meeting for years and have done just about everything in the book and I'm
just looking for some fresh ideas and input on how to incorporate all of
this and still keep my sanity. One thing I want to focus on is new ladies
I think that this will keep things moving and keep our minds off ourselves
and what we want. Ramble,ramble,ramble Does anyone understand what
I'm trying to say???Love to have your input. P.S. Puppetmaker - love Ruth
Reider's books!!
anonymous 1/11/01
This
situation continually disturbs me and I wonder if anyone can offer some
words of wisdom. My husband and I started a new church. Thus,
we have given up our positions and obligatory ties in our home church.
The problem is with our home pastor and his wife. They seem very
cold toward us and I just can't understand why. I love them and would
never wish to speak badly of them. But, I have tried my best to be
kind, friendly, etc, especially to the pastor's wife. But, there
is a "coolness" about her. She has never once asked me about the
new work or ever called me or offered any words of encouragement.
I do not look for recognition or pats on the back, but I find it surprising
that the support is just not there. At first I thought may I was
imagining all of this. However, the wife of another minister who
will also be leaving to minister elsewhere, shared with me some similar
feelings. She DID NOT say anyone's name, and she did not say it resentfully.
She just needed someone to talk to. I know by what she told me that
she was talking about the same person. I feel very badly about
this and wish it was not so. There are others in the church who treat
us the same way, but I'm not as surprised by their actions. Please
help!
Shirley Ann 1/12/01
I
am a single parent, every since the age of 5, I have been singing for the
Lord.
My grandfather was a bishop,
my father an elder, my grandmother an evangilist, i have two my brother
and sister in the ministry. I do know the Lord and I know Him on a personal
and intimate level. I was invited to a long time friend's church,
who is the pastor. He is single, my children fell in love with the youth
ministry, and I became involved to the point where I hold office in just
about everything. God has blessed me to have many talents, I paint draw,
have excellent computer skills, I make all church banners, programs, decorate,
and sing comparably to Shirley Ceaser. I am dedicated and faithful when
ask to do a task. Church clerk etc, Sunday School,Bible Study, . I put
all the talents God has bless me with to use to uplift His kingdom. The
Pastor confessed that he was still in love with me and he didn't know how
to handle it. He still has children in school from his previous marriage.
This particular women that have feelings for the Pastor also has gone to
the deacons to make everything miserable in his life if he even attempts
to show feelings toward me. Once he was involved with this women, but when
their was no longer an attraction, she felt betrayed. This was going
on even before I came to the church. I try to speak to this women she refuse
to even acknowledge me, she has started ugly rumors and have said nasty
things in front of my children, they came back and told me. Some people
I realize cannot take no for an answer. He has gone out of his way to ignore
her and respect her at the same time. I have been there for several years
now and he wants me to put my life on hold for Him until his child graduate
from school. In the meantime we talk on a daily basis, we may go out to
eat, even if another man approach me he make sure he blocks, and let them
know in so many ways hands off. However I still have got to deal with this
women, the church members have an idea that he admires me, sometimes he
tries to cover it up, but doesn't do a good job. I have gained respect
from the people in the church, I have often asked him where was his faith.
Why not come out an acknowledge the truth and trust in God to do the rest.
He tells me that it takes patience and longsuffering, the last shall be
first, he doesn't want anything to distract his child who is having problems
in school. I Love this man very much and am caught in a dilemma,
I want to be able to go to dinner like anybody else we do but very rarely
seen in public together, on holidays he stays at home to get peace, because
this woman has been known to follow him, come by my house, have other people
call my home to see if I'm at home or do I know where the pastor is and
I am so tired, yet I love this man dearly, we all have made regrettable
mistakes and being involved with this woman has been one of his...but it
is not helping me any, please......help and pray for me and him that he
will walk in the light instead of darkness about our relationship. His
children know about us even his ex-wife she ask me how do i do it. I tell
her with faith in God, look at everyday a day closer to God blesing me.
Anonymous 1/14/01
Honey-this
man wants the best of both worlds. He has no holds over you and no
right to ask you to put your life on hold (or to let other men know you
are his property). Tell him to fish or cut bait (ino ther words,
either this relationship goes somewhere or you should find another place
to worship). He needs to have a meeting with the deacons and let
them know his intentions toward you. That way they will know what
is really going on. Then he should announce it to the church. This
gives the lady no ammo, since everyone hears it from him.
nik 1/13/01 I
am a young first lady in ministry and have some pretty heavy burdens regarding
marriage and minisistry. My husband and I have pastored a small outreach
ministry for about 2 years and I have had some recent doubts about the
ministry and if I have actually lost the focus of who God would have me
to be, as opposed to who my husband and the members of the church would
have me to be. Sometimes, I want to run away from all of the stress
of being a wife, mother, and church leader. Is there anyone out there
that can relate to my fears?
Victory 1/14/01
Been
there, done that! My husband has been in the ministry for 4 years
now and from time to time I have to get refocused. Do you find it overwhelming
at times with the responsibilities? We have 5 children, 8 years old
down to 3 months and believe me that is a full-time job in itself, plus
I am the piano player and worship leader, ladies ministry director,elementary
Bible class teacher and help my husband with counseling women and discipling
new converts. I love the ministry, it's where God wants me to be
but sometimes it can get very stressful when there is not much spare time.
We have found that just "getting away" helps. You know, a change
of scenery. We live in Florida, and sometimes we might just ride
to Georgia or Alabama for a day or two and come back. We take all of the
kids and go see some mountains (because there aren't any here) and get
a motel and take a bunch of snacks. They love it, it's inexpensive
and it seems to refresh us. When we get back, we're ready to get started
working at the church again with more egarness. You talked about being
what God would have you to be. People expect a lot out of you since
you are the pastor's wife. But you're not gonna please everybody.
Take this for instance. Some people in our church fully understand
my workload at home with 5 small children and know that it's hard for me
to jump up and go somewhere when I want or when they want me to.
It takes preparation when you have that many children. And all kinds
of things can happen when you're just about out of the door. But
did you know there are some people that have complained because I don't
call them or visit them with my husband and have even said that I can't
be an effective pastor's wife with 5 children. So, I have had to
say, "Lord, I've got to please you,I've got to be a wife to my husband
and a mother to our children" and that means sometimes saying no to people
even if they don't like it. You're a Pastor's wife. Encourage him.
It makes a big difference in his ministry when you do. Hope you don't
run away, just hang on. (smile)
cwilliams 1/13/01
I'm
getting ready to marry a pastor in a few months. I've very concerned
about becoming a "First Lady" at his church. I need advice on what
a "First Lady" is supposed to do.
Bethany 1/16/01
I
have a question...I'm not a Pastor's wife yet, but I'm headed in that direction.
My husband is the minister of a very small rural church. We've been
dating for a year and have been engaged for the last three months.
Our work for and love of God is what brought us together. He is my
best friend, and we look forward to spending our life together. That
sounds simple enough, doesn't it? Now, figure in to the picture that
I have been married before (he has not). You see how that changes
things. I was married for 8 years and eventually left because he
was repeatedly unfaithful, and very unapologetic about it. Our wedding
vows meant nothing, and the man who was once a believer began living the
life of a non-believer. Aside from the adultery, there was physical
abuse in the end. I thought
that I could live with the
infidelity (after all, marriage is for better or worse), but when he ended
up beating me and raping me, I knew something had to change. I prayed
a lot and had many conversations with God about the situation, and ultimately
left. I have forgiven him, but even after our divorce, he has not changed.
I met my fiance a year after my divorce was final, and we've been dating
for a year now. His congregation is wonderful, and they love me as
much as I love them and have encouraged our union every step of the way.
Our denomination believes, collectively, that as long as a divorce is Biblical
(ie based on adultery or a non-believing spouse leaving) then I am free
to remarry. Regardless of our personal feelings for one another,
I would never want to do anything to hurt his ministry. He's been called
upon to do such an incredible job -- you ladies can certainly relate.
He's just a man, that's true, but he's a man that I care very deeply about,
and would never want to hurt his ministry in any way. After all,
we put God at the steering wheel and there is no telling where we will
end up. His ministry takes him many places, and this understanding
congregation will likely not be the last church he ministers to...
Our hearts feel aligned with God. We've prayed about this, we've
been counseled, but it would be helpful to find advice from someone who
had been there. Is there anyone like that on this board? I'm
hopeful that's the case. Please email me. I'm not sure how
I found this board, but I would love to talk to someone
about this.
Little Lizzy 1/16/01
I
have been a minister's wife for 13 years, and always being told last, or
being asked to tag along, just feeling like I don't exist at all,
feeling like as a female I have no right to voice an opinion about anything
that is always not heard or forgotten, feeling like the ministry is just
an escape for my husband to not be intimate with me. Before he became
a minister, for 22 years he played lead guitar in a country music band.
I stayed home every week end, did things with our 3 children. Before I
was 40, my sister commited suicide at 34, that was the breaking point for
me. He would either quit the band or I didn't want to be alive and continue
on like this. He started studying the Bible, got baptized, and wanted
to be more than just a bench warmer in the church, so his calling was to
preach the gospel. I had rather he have religion than a tavern life,
but it seemslife has not changed in the way he treats me and our grown
children, we still are put on the back burner. Feeling alone in a marriage
that I thought God had ordained from whenever we said I do. I think my
husband suffers from suvere attention depreviation, I try to get close
to him, but he withdraws into his own world of Bible studying and always
thinking about members of the church andtheir welfare, but what about us.
I have withdrawn from trying to be close, withdrawn from being involved
in the concerns of the church members. I am hurting, my grown son
who still lives at home because of severe clinical depression feels he
has never had a father figure, what can we do????I pray to God for some
answers. By the way, I was brought up in the church, took my children to
church by myself until they were grown. I want to save our marriage,
our family relationships, what can be done. Are there any books out
there that might open up his eyes to help him see that his wife and children
need him too, and are we suppose to always be forgotten. Desperate.
Thankful 1/22/01
I
wanted to respond to your post. Some things only come thru prayer
and fasting.
Things can be better, but
you may have to do a lot of praying and fasting. I've seen God move
so many times when I've sought God for an answer and humbled myself thru
fasting. The answer may not come tomorrow or next week, but God will
be right on time. I'm not trying to sound preachy, but really, set
your face like flint and pray for God to help you with the situation and
His peace will come. There is no other alternative to seeking God.
Anonymous 1/24/01
I
feel your pain. There is a book out there but I am dating myself
by mentioning it to you. It's called "Do yourself a favor, love your wife."
It's an oldy but a goody! I'm not even ssure who wrote it, but my
husband read it back in the late 70's before we got married and it has
continually reminded him that his family and wife come ahead of the church,
his job and yes, even himself. It was a great start to a great marriage.
(If anyone knows who the author was, let us know, PLEASE! :) ) Let me know
if you find the book. Many Blessings!
Joyful heart 1/24/01
I
tell you what will open your husband's eyes better than any book that you
know you won't get him to read and that is Holy Ghost conviction!!
God has better ways of getting people's attention than any how-to book.
Just pray! Ask God to help you not to nag him or mention the problem
to him, just tell it to God and ask Him for wisdom and patience while he
deals with your husband. When God does the work in his heart, it
will be right! I know from my own experience.
vessel 1/19/01
Pastor's
wife new to the site. Have been at the church 4 yrs. Just wanted to log
on to see what it was all about.
servant 1/19/01
I
am a pastors wife of 9 years. I would like to say it has been a very
trying but wonderful experience. I believe my first call is to serve the
Lord Jesus with all my heart and therefore I will be fullfilled in my own
destiny. 2nd I am to be my husbands help meet which gives you great
power with God to bring things in to proper order thru prayer and allowing
him to grow closer to the Lord that he would follow Christ and understand
his place as husband and servant and his 1st call is to serve at home first.
May this response be helpful because pastoring is a call and not a job,
the work of the minisrty is to done with love and compassion for those
you shepherd but not at the cost of forsaking your love and time as a family.
Pastoring requires much prayer that you will receive the mind of christ
and do what ythe word says and this can only bring good fruit, a paswtor,s
wife is his Glory. Truely a Gift from god. May every pastor's
wife be encouraged and look to the Lord.
mary 1/22/01 a
group from my church and i are putting together a program for pastor's
wife's and we are desperately trying to find someone that can help us to
put a plan together, what i am looking for is to be able to put a drama
together about what is the meaning of being a pastor's wife, and all the
works that comes along. (the husbands are invited on this day) We are having
dinner for the pastors and their wives but we want to present a well organized
play for them as well, we want for the play to touch the pastor's heart
as well as the wife and for all the others that have part in that program.
Please write to me or give me some advise as to where can i get help or
who can help me, i need answer by 2/1/01 thanks you, god bless
Shelia 1/24/01
Hello.
I am new to this board. I am a Pastor's Wife of five years.
My dillema is that, I was not raised in church so I don't know what to
do or how to act a lot of times. I had only been saved for one year
before my husband and I got married. I knew nothing. I had
never heard about Daniel and the Lion's den until I started studying with
my husband. (That was to just give you an idea of how much I didn't
know) I want to pray for my husband but I don't know exactly what
to pray. I feel so burdened down by the members of the congregation.
They say they want to have activities, the activities get organized, and
they don't show. It is always left up to me to do everything.
I feel like I let the Teen Group down, because I could not carry it on.
(Both of the women that started it ended up quiting) My heart goes
out to those children. I feel like I'm not supporting my husband
during the services, because I end up in the nursery most of the time and
not able to be upstairs. I just feel like I have failed God in my
calling. Please pray for me and my husband. He warned me it
was going to be a hard life, but who would have ever imagined. It
just feels so good to be able to get a lot of that out. Thank you
so much for this board. Also, if you know of any good books for helping
a pastor's wife let me know. I have looked in every Christian bookstore
in the area and can't find a one. May God bless each and everyone
of you. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime.
Brenn 1/28/01 Here's
some books that I have collected over the years. They are all good, but
I will list them in the order of my favorite one first. "High Call High
Privilege" by Gail MacDonald; "Married to a Pastor's Wife" by H.B. London
& Neil B. Wiseman; "Heart to Heart with Pastor's Wives" by Lynne Dugan;
"I'm More Than the Pastor's Wife" by Lorna Dobson; "The Guilt-Free Book
for Pastor's Wives" by Ruth Senter. Also you mentioned not knowing how
to pray for your husband; there is an awesome book out called "The Power
of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. It is an excellant book; in fact
I've given out several dozen to women in our church; hoping they would
use it to pray for their hubbies. I also was not raised in a church environment
and struggled for several years because I didn't know how to act or I felt
dumb in Bible Study. Finally I realized that just being myself was the
best thing for me. In fact over the years the one thing that our congregations
have to say about me is they appreciate that I'm a real person! Hang in
there; it is at times a tough life but the rewards are awesome!!
EverHischild 1/30/01
I
know exactly what you are going thru as I am going thru the same thing.
I have only been a pastor's wife for two yrs now. I don't have any really
gems of wisdom but I am beginning to realize thru much prayer a few things.
A. God is first in my life.
Then my husband
Then my children
& family
And then the
church.
B.Don't feel obligated to
take on everything.(like I have). Someone very wise told me that if I start
a program, they will expect me to do it, and if I leave, the program will
cease cause it was mine not theirs.
C.If they have nothing invested
in their church (time, money, talents, etc.) then it will mean nothing
to them.
D.My husband and I feel
that if they are not doing their part, it is because they have not been
taught. So he teaches as often as the Lord will allow and I try to teach
by example. (Example: I believe the Lord expects us to keep His House clean.
I will try my best to keep my Sun. School class as clean as possible. I
do not try to do the whole church anymore. But whatever I am responsible
for, I do the best I can. ) (Example: I believe the Lord saves us and gives
"each" one of us something to do for Him. I try to teach that to my young
girls class in everything they do)
E. Another wise friend told
me "No matter what happens in my ministry, it has nothing to do with my
relationship with God. My realtionship with God is separate from my ministry
and comes before my ministry. If my relationship is right, He will take
care of all the rest and teach me whatever I need to know. Amen?
Amen. God Bless you. Keep on keeping on.
Stephanie 1/29/01
I
was looking up on the internet about a particular scripture, "without a
vision, the people perish". I would like to learn more about this through
the Bible because I have had a huge death of a vision. In the course of
this "research" on the web, I came across your site. I am not married to
a pastor nor am I married although I am certainly of marrying age. I think
if I was called to marry a pastor I would run the other way. But then God
would never call me to marry a pastor because I am not the kind of woman
who would be a good pastor's wife. I am much to selfish and needy. I could
never tolerate his ministering to others day and night and spending all
the time a pastor does, on the church. I think a pastor's wife has a very
special calling and a unique place in the body of Christ. Any woman who
is a pastor's wife is actually in my book to be greatly admired. I would
find that job much more difficult than being the pastor. I went to law
school and graduated and I would find the job of a pastor's wife 10x more
difficult. I could never cope. God bless you all. Love, Stephanie
Jo 1/30/01 I
am seriously dating a man who wants nothing more in life than to become
a pastor (his dad was a pastor as well). This gets complicated in several
ways. First of all, I was raised Catholic were priests aren't permitted
to marry because they are, in effect, married to the church. This, then,
is my view of a pastoral position. As this man and I are contemplating
marriage, I am finding myself feeling confused and guilty. I feel confused,
I guess, because I don't want to marry someone who is going to be "married"
to two things, myself and the church. But, then, I feel guilty because
it is like I am fighting a battle against God for his affection and attention.
Do any of you older, wiser women have advice for me?
Proverbs31Mom 1/31/01
I
have been a youth pastor's wife for 5 years and am currently facing a situation
with our church that I've never faced before. Our church is in the
midst of a lot of strife and people have made horrible accusations against
my pastor's wife. I feel they are all unfounded. I know she
is imperfect and sometimes cool to people but she does not deserve to be
treated the way she is being treated right now. We are not extremely
close but God has impressed it upon me to help lift this woman up and love
her unconditionally. She has made some mistakes but God is her judge
not I. I would like some ideas on how to help restore my pastor's
wife into the fellowship of the church. I would love ideas on how
to encourage her in the Lord so she can in turn encourage my pastor.
kristin lynae 2/2/01
I
am a student at a Christian college and preparing to be married this August
to a pastor. You all are scaring me so much! Is it really that
stressful, I mean I know I must expect a lot coming my way...any advice
to me?
Blessed 4/2/01 My
heart went out to you when I read your posting. I absolutely love
being in ministry. My husband and I work as a team building the Lord's
kingdom. Congratulations on your engagement! You have a wonderful
honor and privilege in your future to be intimately involved in the lives
of people! I'm pretty new to message boards and chat rooms scare
me so I hesitate to include my e-mail address, I just really would like
to communicate with you.
Blessed 5/15/01
I've
waited for an email from you and check the board periodically to see if
you just preferred to communicate there. Then today I read my post
and realized I was not clear at all that I included my email address when
I posted and am interested in you contacting Rock Dove for it as I understand
we cannot post but they will give it out with requests and consent.
Being a PW is stressfull and at times lonely, but the rewards far outweigh
any sacrifice we make. Because of our position, we have the awesome
privilege of being only where family belongs. I today think of the
incredible blessing as I sit and wait for a phone call that one of the
ladies is having her child and the blessing we had just last week to minister
to a neighbor who lost his daughter to suicide. He doesn't go to
church, but lives next door to a pastor so called upon us in his hour of
need. Who else gets that honor? God will use you in ways you
never imagined! When are you to be married?
PW2 2/6/01 HELP!
My husband is a pastor of about 20 yrs. A few years ago, I discovered that
he had had an ongoing affair with the church secretary (who used to be
my best friend). I believe he's been clean for a little over a year that
I'm about certain of, however, I still live in termoil because first of
all, he never acknowledged nor asked forgiveness of what he did. His stopping
was supposed to be good enough for me, and all things continued as they
were. I never exposed it for the sake of the congregation and his ministry,
but it has done no good to me, as I'm still bothered by the fact that she
is still working in his office, and they still have a good working relationship.
She's not sspoken to me in about 5yrs. only as it relates to work.
I feel tormented as he is very sensitive if I mention anything about her,
or make comment about her half doing a job. He is very protective/defensive
towards her family members who are real arrogant if you ask me, but they
have prominant possitions in the church, which he's assigned them to.
I have to work across the street in the school with one of them,(the secretary's
aunt)and my husband is always taking her side, and seemingly catering to
them, though he denies it. It's becoming a bit much for me to handle, and
althugh I don't believe he's going with her, the idea that they're spending
so much time in the office together, talking, and laughing together, while
he and I don't seem to have that same closeness anymore. I've tried to
address some of these feelings, but he acts like he's not getting it. I'm
supposed to be ok about everything as long as he's doing right, and taking
good care of me. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THESE FEELINGS? I want to leave
him in my heart, but in my spirit, this is all I know! We've been married
for over 25 yrs, 4 children, and his ministry is all I know! I feel so
controlled and helpless in this!!!WHAT SHOULD I, COULD I DO?? PLEASE REMEMBER
ME IN PRAYER!
Brownie 7/5/01 I'm
very sad that no-one has answered your post.I can only suggest that you
speak to the elders in your church, the senior person above your husband
in your denomination as this behaviour is totally wrong. I guess by now
you may have taken some action. I'm praying for you.My God give you His
peace and strength.
Joy 2/8/01 I
have a question that I seem to never see addressed in the realm of the
pastorate. My "problem" is that I feel my husband sees his role and ministry
as ONLY a "job" and has never lived it or brought it into our home.
This has caused us strife for all the years we've been married (25) and
in the pastorate (22). It has always seemed that he leaves his "spirituality"
at the doorstep of the church. Whenever we try to talk about it,
we only end up in conflict. He thinks I'm responsible for my own
spiritual growth and relationship with the Lord, and what he does and says
doesn't matter. He has neglected teaching or modeling for our two
teenage sons. He's not a bad person who commits any "obvious" sins
- so he always thinks "he does better than most men". I know I am ultimately
responsible for my relationship with God, but it has certainly been hindered
and now I'm even wondering if either one of us are truly Christians. I
have prayed and sought and even gotten counseling throughout these years,
and there never has been an "answer" or resolve to this and I just keep
going "down" - in all areas of my life. I'm at a loss - please
help. "Joy"
Silina 2/13/01
Grace
and Peace Ladies. I was so glad to have found this site.
It was so encouraging in that just this morning I was going through it.
I mean to a point of totally not believing God. When I found this
site my heart rejoiced in the testimonies of other PWs. Hallelujah!
My husband is pastor and founder of a small church in a small town, started
in 1995. Since its start, we have been through many transitions.
We began with quite a vast number of people. The congregation presently
consists of approximately 10, (six being our family). God told me
about 4 years ago that we were to leave where we were. However, for
lack of knowing where to go, also immaturity in knowing God's provisions,
we did not leave. We felt we had accomplished so much here.
Since then, our lives have been like a downward spiral; we've lost (through
repossesion), four vehicles, our home and I served time in prison (9 months).
The home we are presently in does not have a furnace and this morning we
found out that the water tank is cracked and we'll need to get another
one. I am working and my husband is not. I am not trying to
sound like a sympathy case but I know that God has given us wisdom.
We have had many "opportunities" to pastor other places. All of which
my husband turned down almost as if he's afraid that he's failed or something.
Any way its making me absolutely SICK! Not only that I am not sure
if it is for me to just go and maybe eventually He'll follow. I have
consulted with one other PW and my mother in the Lord. They told
me to consider that God may be telling me to "cast my net to the other
side." I request all of your prayers that I will stay in the perfect
will of God. God bless you all.
sharon 2/15/01
I
am 53 I raised 2 childern by myself when my husband left me 18 yrs. ago,
I had to have faith and keep going, I had to find a job in order to take
care of my childern. It was rough but I never gave up. the
reason I am writing is a year and half ago I met a man who I see great
things for and we were married Dec 16,2000. He has had a strong call
to the ministry. I support him and I have a very strong faith.( I
am Catholic) I go to his church, do Bible study, read all the time
and have been given a gift so I am told by people. My question is
I am concern about what people will say about him when they met me.
I am not of his faith, I am very outgoing, (I hug and give kisses, I am
a people person)I wear short dresses and I am a just afraid of what will
be said. This is a big change for me and Charles, He has a very good
job that he will leave in order to follow his call. I have never
know what it was to have nice things, I worked 3 jobs to keep body and
soul together for my family. I am worried about life as a pastor wife and
what will be ahead. I have asked God to be with me, and to ease my
fears. I ask if you will help also. I know God lead me to this
web site, because I got on it a asked, "What is it like to be a pastor
wife?" You website came up. I THANK YOU FOR THE EARS.
Marisa 2/20/01
Wow!!
I should have found this webb site and message board a long time ago- I
have needed it. Scrolling through all the messages I can see that
I am not alone and many of you share the same frustrations of being in
the limelight of pastor's wife as I do. I must say though that through
it all I have learned in only 6 years of ministry that I must keep my focus
on Christ and keep a pure heart-If you don't have that it is hard to see
Jesus in anything. I can certainly vent with y'all -I can tell you
I haven't known any greater Joy than to be married to a Pastor who is my
best friend-we have seen many successess and failures but if you just focus
on all the downs it is hard to look up and as you know there are a lot
of up's and down's in ministry. Satan want's us to get discouraged
and take our focus off who we know we must put all of our faith and trust
in- it's so easy to forget. I can see that when I read some of these
messages- it's taken a toll on some- battled weary souls. From a
good friend, my mentor and Senior Pastor's wife, she once told me that
a while ago she knew someone who was in a restaraunt getting up to pay
the bill, he passed by a table of men who had their heads bowed praying.
When they had finished and looked up to see him passing by, he said to
the men "it is good to see other fellow christians praying to our Lord
in public being bold for him". One man in the group then replied
"We are not praying to who you think we are, we are praying to Satan that
he will destroy Pastor's and their families and do away with wthem- especially
young pastor's families". This creeped me out and gave me chills
when she told me this. I have seen and sort of experienced first
hand the devagstation of what happens to a pastor when satan attacks his
family- it happened to my mother- she was a PK. Her mom couldn't
handle the gossip, the malicious slander, the pressure of trying to be
perfect, the money issue-(as tyou know our husbands aren't exactly rolling
in the dough)they were VERY poor, they lived barely through the great depression,-
well eventually, my grandmother left them (my grandfather the meMethodist
minister to raise my mom alone at the vulnerable age of 10). This
did a lot of damage to my grandfather's (now deceased- in Glory 10 years
ago) ministry. God was however so good and faithful to them though-
as he always is. Jeremiah 29;11 is my favorite verse and my husband
and I hold true to it's words- "For I know the plan's I have for you, plan's
to help you and not to harm you, plan's to give you a hope and a future".
Fellow sister's and pastor's wives, I haven't grasped it yet, I struggle,
i'm still very young and new at this but one thing I have learned is never
give up. My husband will finally be ordained within the next 6 months
(God willing) and it has been no Cake walk- we have dealt with a lot of
bologna and politics in our church - there were times we asked "why are
we doing this? Is there any hope"- the answer of course is "Yes"- keep
your zeal- go on a "women of faith" retreat or "aspiring women's" or "focus
on the family"- take more vacation time to be with your hubby and
kids but don't whatever you do let depression and burn out get to you-
keep striving for that goal- and find a good mentor to keep you accountable
who you know you can trust and vent all your feelings out (another pastor's
wife is ideal- this chat site is great too!!)- That is my only advise in
6 years- OH,...BE YOURSELF- The genuine article is ME- I have learned to
live with not winning everyone's approval- Galations 1;10 say's " i am
not trying to please people- I want to please God. Do you think I
am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be
a servant of Christ". God Bless you all and have a joyful day!!
mrs peace 2/23/01
I
HAVE READ ALL OF THE LETTERS That the pastors wives shared and i tought
i was the only one who went though i eye ball rolling the encourgment cards
that come to the house only with his name on them the calling him
and and never saying hi sister peace how you doing the meen things they
say and then they say these word i just love the pastor how can you love
the pastor and not love his wife becareful how you treet the pastors wifes
because god sees every thing high or low thats what the don;t get.
iknow that god gives as a dobble doses of his keeping power so that we
can stand in him and not in man because men you know will let you down
the words says it also you have to pray all the time because the devil
do not want the man of god and his family to make it love all peace.
jodi 2/24/01 My
question is probably pretty simple actually. My husband and I have
been married for 1 1/2 yrs. He was the youth pastor when we were
married 4 months late we were looking for a new church. My husband
decided that after 12yrs of youth ministry, it was time to let that go
and go in the senoir pastorate. We recently were interviewed at a
church and the women asked me if I had any question for them. Being
that I have had no experience as the pastor's wife i am not sure what to
inquire about. So I was wondering if any one may have any suggestion
for me. I'd really appreciate any help. Thanks so much
INQUISITIVE 2/24/01
I
think this is an excellent site. I visit often. Is there any
research that you know of that shows a correlation between supportive pastor's
wives and church growth ? I would like to know are we as pastor's wives
making a difference ?
I'm the pastor's wife,
I don't have a name! 2/25/01 Seriously, I don't mind being
the "pastor's wife". Many people don't know my name. I am not writing in
response to anyone, not yet anyway. I just want to write and say
that being a pastor's wife is a lonely job. I am just so thankful
for my friends outside the church. Does anyone else have this same
situation?
Anonymous 3/4/01
My
husband recently shared that I should pool my money with his to pay the
bills. He had incurred debt before we were married. I paid
for a house and vehicle before I married him. He convinced me to
co sign with him by putting up the paid vehicle for past taxes he owed
before we were married. I worked 27 years before retiring.
I feel it is the husband's responsibility to take care of the household.
My husband also told me, before we got married, that he would take care
of me if we got married. My husband is retired and also receiving
disability benefits. I added him to my insurance, which increased
the medical deduction coming out of my retirement check. I have also
paid for many bills I didn't make.
BBotello 3/5/01
I
just discovered this site and, so far, I am impressed, and pleased.
I started doing research for a seminar that I will be conducting for a
Women's retreat in August. My seminar is for Minister's Wives.
Not just PW's but any other staff like, Music, Youth, Education, etc.
I would like to know if someone can help me decide what kind of material
I should cover. I've never done this type of seminar before.
It sounds interesting but I don't know where to begin. I am a PW
myself so I can give a lot of personal input but I would like the opinions
of others as well. If someone could please e-mail me I have an interview
that I would like to conduct with a list of questions and a request for
any feedback that will give me insight as to how I can minister to the
women who will be attending my seminar. On a side note, I have read
several comments and I wonder why many PW's feel that their husband is
the one who has received the call to the ministry and not them. I
have always known I was going to be a Pastor's wife; I felt it as a call.
I truly feel that being a minister's wife, in any capacity is a call and
we should treat it as such. It's hard for me to explain, especially since
we've been married 16 years and my husband has only been a pastor for the
past 4 years. So here's a question: Is being a minister's wife a
call? I'd like to know what others think. Thanks for your time. BSBotello@aol.com
Jenny 3/27/01 Hi...I
felt very drawn to you because of our similar circumstances. I too
have been married for 16 years and have in the Pastorship for 4 years.
When my husband was called of the Lord to go into the ministry full time(we
have been in ministry, but not full time)I believe the Lord prepared me
first! I was hit suddenly with the realization that the Lord was
going to call my husband. At first I was very upset, (for obvious,
just read all these letters) but after wrestling with the Lord, (for 3
weeks!) kind of like Jacob, I finally gave my husband over
to Him. And guess what? Immediately, my husband came to me
and told me He felt the Lord calling him. I said, "I know"
and we committed ourselves right then and there. I truly believe
the Lord calls both husband and wife. "The two shall be one flesh".
I am not gifted as much as my husband, but he is the Pastor not me. I am
his helpmeet and yet I am called to do my part as any other Christian woman.
The hardest work is keeping the wife part seperate from the woman part.
I too struggle with this. I dont know if I'm right ....but I know
how it happened for me. God bless you.
johnnie Mae 3/5/01
Please
pray for me. My husband and I have been married for 28 year but he
has been pastoring for only three years,4 months. We use someone
else's building for a minimum fee and we don't have access at night or
saturdays. God, however, gives me creative ways to work the ministry;
in the park, in my home etc. I love my church already and work hard to
support the ministry and my husband. My problem is that I feel neglected
by him - he calls names in church to encourage other workers. He
calls my name, such as, "thank God for my wife." I don't work in
the church to be recognized by anyone. But, when he as pastor goes
to great lengths to encourage others by recognizing their deeds, however
small, I then expect encouragement from him as well. I don't like
feeling like I feel today, neglected and selfish at the same time.
I spoke to him about my feelings but I think that I only "hurt" his feelings.
He doesn't understand how I feel and in fact, thinks he showers me with
encouragement. It's quite the contrary. He has always had a problem
looking me in the eye and telling me "thank you" or "I appreciate you".
It appears to be easier for him to relate to others in such a way though.
What can I do about how low I feel at these times of feeling neglected
as a pastor's wife. I am asking God to take these kinds of feelings
away from me. What do I do - can anyone think of a scripture that
might help me?
WOW 3/7/01 Tell
me how you handle when you husband/pastor is the total opposite of you;
educationally, socially, spiritually (you were in a full relationship with
God since youth, but he's an adult covert), he gets a ministry, marriage,
moves you to another city to further an outreach of the church; outreach
comes a church of which he becomes pastor. Spiritually the two agree;
callings agree; but NATURALLY! YUK! Not your preference physically, educationally,
socially, economically; The Bible says give no place to the devil; naturally,
it's an open door policy. If it weren't for one saying YES to God;
the other would have definitely said NO! Help bridge the gap!
Ang 3/8/01 Hi
fellow pw-it has been a long time since I have had a chance to sit down
and read the new pages. Since I wrote last it is now going on another
year were almost celebrating our 2nd anniv. I really like what Marisa
said on 2/20! Thank-you I need that! I like what you said about being
real. I am that way-the people like that. They want someone
that is approcable not standing off and having an aire about her, and I
had a pw that was just like that. I cant be any other way.
I try and get together with some of the ladies at least once a month.
I also get involed with our ladies ministries group. If you dont
have one in your church get one started. We raise money to do things
around the church furnish things in the nursery kitchen and so forth.
We meet once an month and not only is it a chance to get the husbands to
watch the kids, but to get toghether for fellowship. We also do secret
sisters, just like secret pals-it is a good way to get to know your ladies
in your church. Yes, you will have a few that wont get involved or
just plain and simple dont like you, but I have learned to pray for them,
and really its
there loss! Ladies
have a blessed week!
Joy 3/8/01 I
would like to start a Pastor's Wives Support Group in my city. What
would be the format? What would the sessions look like? How
do you advertise? How do you ensure confidentiality? If you
had resistance from Pastors,
how would you deal with it? What would be the goals? How would
you
know you had attained it?
I need a model for the Pastor's Wives Support Group. Thanks for responding.
Antoinette 3/9/01
My
husband is not a pastor-yet. We know that he is called to be a pastor
but right now how do i get him to do more at home than just go to work
and come home and eat and sleep. We have 3 children and we both work
full time jobs, however his full time job is at the church now. He
is an associate minister. Help before I go crazy.
Suzanne 3/9/01
In
April, my husband and I moved to a new church six hours away from my family.
I was pregnant with our first child. Now I have a beautiful son, but am
unable to stay home with him becuase we don't make enough money for it
to happen. I am so frustrated and angry....at my husband because he doesn't
seem to have any problem with me working and doesn't care that I want to
stay home with my son..I am mad at the church...they are so nice and loving
yet why won't they pay him enough for us to get by. We cut every corner
necessary. We don't have any credit cards. I am trying to understand if
it is God's will for me to work or not. This church seems to expect me
too. That's a switch. I know anyone reading this must find my attitude
to be one of selfishness. I'm trying to just get over it..Prayers would
be appreciated and also any advice.
shell 5/15/01 My
heart is going out to you right now. I am a mom of two and I stay
at home I have a 4 year degree and did work until our daughter was born
I then went back and quit after 3 weeks my heart was not in it my heart
was to be with my child. I felt that if God gave me this child I
am responsable for her and not my day care provider. This discision
cost us for I was making more than my husband at the time. Yet I
searched out God and prayed earnestly and really talked about this with
my husband. His response was We need to do this together. and
we did. We cut back on everthing ate less meat products more beans
soups and ground turkey. We stopped going out to eat and even used
cloth diapers. Do I regret any of it NO. My job is my children
and how to save our family money. Now our church just voted my husband
on full time. scarry for both the church and us but it is a leap
of faith. Faith God will provide and the churches faith that they
need to provide to keep our family running. I read something a while
back that said when you are speaking about your finances to the elders
of the church turn to them and ask could you live on this or would you
live on this? and is it not importatnt for us to instal our values
in our children first and then the congeration? I will be praying
for you and your husband in this very hard desicion. But remember
GOD WILL PROVIDE!!I know from experience. I have always said that
people all around us have nice cars, boats, ext and well our recoration
is our children what better way to use the money God gave you.
Esther 3/10/01
Based
on the numerous questions posted by pastor wives, I was wondering your
response to the querry that possibly Protestant ministers should follow
the example of the Roman Catholic Church and prohibit the pastor from marriage.
Is it possible that celibacy would allow the pastor to truly shepherd the
flow entrusted to his pastoral care without the "obstical" or distraction
of marriage? This begs the question: How does the pastor's Wife profoundly
augment his ministry? Does the pastor, by having a wife and family,
have a "divided heart"; the church on one side and his wife and family
on the other? Taken from the other angle, what is it that the
Roman Catholic priest is missing by not having a wife and family?
Is there something about God that he is deprived of by not having a family.
It would be very interested in your response.
3/26/01 I am
not sure if many of the women that surf this site actually respond to the
postings that are made. However, I do feel that the question regarding
wether or not ministers should be married is a valid one. I think
It is particularly valid and relevant given the fifthteen pages of postings
given my pastor's wives on numerous subjects. From the pains of jelousy
to the anguish of living in a fish bowl, the concerns of pastor's wives
begs the question regarding the practice of celibacy for those called to
the ministry. I would be interested in other views by pastor's wives.
31woman 3/31/01
In
response to your question of whether a minister should be married or not.
I believe it is their choice. Yes, their attention will be divided,
but if they choose the blessing of marriage, there is also a responsibility
that comes with marriage. If they are called to the full-time ministry,
God will enable them to meet both responsibilities. The Word says
that he who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Two are better than
one, especially in the minstry. I believe men that are married are
better able to help people in their congregation because marriage is so
closely paralleled to our relationship with the Father. We are all
struggling to find the best way to be a husband, wife, father, mother,
pastor, pastor's wife, but if God has called us to this position, he will
be fathful to complete the work He has started in us. I am so thankful
for sisters in Christ that we can come to and be transparent with.
BrenB 3/10/01 I
am working on a workshop entitled "Waiting for the Prodigal" and I am interested
in ways in which various congregations respond to prodigal teens within
their membership. My husband was in the Youth Ministry for many years
and we also have a "prodigal" child. Our experience in the church
we served for many years was extremely negative. I would like to
hear positive ways in which people have reached out in unconditional love
to these children and awaited their return by supporting the hurting family.
I wish I had found this web sit several years ago. Thanks very much.
Caroline 3/11/01
It
is such a relief to find this web page. Many of the problems I am reading
about seem so familiar. My husband and I both came into ministry later
in life, as second careers, and I must admit, I've found the change challenging.
I always had my own professional life and have been my own person. I still
have a very exciting but demanding job. After seven years of trying to
find different things to participate in church, I finally gave up and decided
that simply being the best wife I could be was enough. I'm sharing the
most important thing I have with my church -- my dear, weeet husband. Even
so, I'm very sensitive to what people say about me -- and I just can't
stand having my actions scrutinized and the snide little comments people
make. I suppose they find me standoffish and aloof -- I try, but I'm a
shy person -- and I can only assume that this is misinterpreted as snobbery.
There are people (including another minister's wife) who are avoiding me
and I'm feeling totally misunderstood. I'm finding it harder and harder
to even show up for church on Sunday morning and I'm pretty sure my husband
would be crushed if I wanted to attend another church where I could relax
a bit and possibly even make a contribution. To make things seemingly more
unfair, there is a female pastor whose husband simply doesn't share her
call, and never comes to church or serves in any way. Do you suppose anyone
has even noticed this since he happens to be a man? I don't think so. I'm
a reasonably tough-minded business woman who has fought hard to become
the person I am, and it's just completely unlike me to be what I think
people expect me to be. I've talked with one minister's wife who was quite
sympathetic and didn't find my feelings unusual. She too, has been through
a lot, and doesn't think I have a bad reputation or anything. But I must
admit, I just seethe when people criticize my husband and while he forgives
and works through it, I continue to feel violated and angry. I don't even
feel safe confiding in the other minister's wives, except the one, and
wonder if they also think I'm just a total failure at this job. We have
a great marriage, but I feel my husband doesn't really understand. He seems
to think that if I were more involved people would get to know me and I
would enjoy it more. But I don't feel I could really become close to anyone
or reveal much of anything about myself, as it would eventually come back
on me in some way. I truly feel called to my role, but at the same time,
I really think I'm starting to experience burnout and that it's all going
to crash if I can't find a way to come to grips with this. I'm not a demure
little Barbie doll. I'm a middle-aged adult with my own very fulfilling
career and a lot of street smarts. I feel most of the problems come from
what people expect from a woman versus a man. I'm appalled at the amount
of resentment I feel. I have given this all the time and energy I have,
and not only do I feel it's unappreciated and unnoticed, but that I am
actually hurting my husband more by having this resentment and frustration
so close to the surface. You can never hide your attitude. I would appreciate
hearing more from women who decided to seek another church than their husband's
because that is the option I'm seriously considering. I really love church,
but going to a church where I feel this way is not only not building my
spiritual life, but actually making me a worse person! For those who chose
another church, how did your husbands take this news and did it ultimately
help or hurt with the congregation?
ann 3/29/01 Enjoyed
reading your thoughtful entry. I have been a PW for 23 years, now,
and also have a professional career. I've pretty much distanced myself
from the church except for Sunday mornings. It's sad, but that seems
to be the best solution for my mental health! I have fought the temptation
to completely stop going to my husband's church, and attend elsewhere.
Although I feel I could worship more joyfully and authentically in another
church, I also feel like it would be a very painful slap in the face to
my husband. I have to tell you a funny story. One Sunday, I
dropped my children off in their Sunday School classes, and went to the
sanctuary to worship. I was overcome with the need to get out of
there!!! I snuck out, drove down the street to another church, and indulged
in a delightful hour of worship in a place where I was completely anonymous.
My plan was to get back to my husband's church in time to get the kids
from Sunday School, and no one would ever know I had left. Well,
when I got to my car in the other church parking lot, someone had parked
their car right behind mine! I tried to drive through the grass,
and got completely stuck in the mud. Needless to say, my husband
and children were in quite a panic wondering where mom was!! It's
funny now, but my husband certainly did not think it was funny at the time.
It made me rethink my need to remain loyal to my husband's church, even
if it is emotionally difficult for me. I could go on and on.
Would be happy to share some things we've done to make things easier.
Thanks for writing... God bless you... You are not alone!!!
hanna 3/14/01 I
am 27 years old and married to a minister. It has only been 10 months
since he became a minister, and already I am burned out and very lonely.
My husband puts in many hours every week at the church, with meetings,
classes, etc. I have tried to tell him several times how I am feeling.
I don't think he understands. He keeps telling me to be more patient
and understanding. In a typical week, he doesn't have a day off.
Our time spent together is usually limited to an hour or two, before he
has to get back to work. Usually when we are spending time together,
he has work on his mind. He is thinking about what he has to get
done that day. I feel like a nag and because of this, it is getting
to the point to where he doesn't want to spend time with me. I feel
like he hides in his work. I am also 7 months pregnant. I worry
that he will not spend enough time with the baby, and that I will end up
being a 'single' parent. I don't want this to sound like he is a
bad guy. He tells me he loves me every day and shows affection toward
me, but it is usually on his way to the computer or the office. Am
I being selfish or ungrateful? How do I tell him that he is taking
on more than he can handle without making him angry?
SHELLE 3/17/01
I
AM A 22 YEAR OLD PASTOR'S WIFE! OUR CHURCH IS KIND OF SMALL, ABOUT
70-80 MEMBERS, BUT IT STARTED WITH ONLY 20. I HAVE A QUESTION IF
ANYONE HAS AN ANSWER? I AM TRYING TO START A MOTHER/DAUGHTER BANQUET
SO WE CAN BRING IN SOME OF OUR LOST LOVED ONES. WELL I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT I AM DOING EXCEPT TRYING TO FOLLOW THE LORD'S LEADERSHIP AND USE COMMONSENSE.
THE LADIES SEEM TO BE INTERESTED AND EXCITED ABOUT IT. IF ANYONE
HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! THANKS, SHELLE
IHS 3/27/01 I
am a 23 year old pastor's wife and I just wanted to let you know that you
are doing a good thing by putting together and event such as this banquet.
I am not one to give advice on such matters, but I just want to encourage
you and I hope your program is a success:)
Joyce 3/25/01
I am amazed after all these years of searching the internet this is the
first time I have ever found this site. I have searched for sites for pastor's
wives, but the Lord probably didn't allow me to find you until now and
I glad I want to encouraged each of you to trust and lean on God. He is
the only one whom you will always have, I don't care what the problems
is God Knows and cares. I know what it's like to feel invisible and unappreciated
not just by my husband but the members especially the women. I developed
a statement that I repeated to God constantly "God I don't know what you're
doing, but Lord I trust you." Somethings people say will cut BUT you have
to remember it's not about you but it's all about God, Let him handle your
battles but ask he to teach you how to deal with the devil and don't back
down. Ask him to teach you how to talk to people and tell them the truth.
If they are not ashamed to sin don't be ashame to tell them what the word
says and if you draw closer to God he will give you what to say and how
to say and WHEN to say. Just tell them the truth. I have dealt with a lot
of issues. I've lived at some time in the past 10 years as a pastor's wife,
a mother, stepmother, student, minister, choirmember, sunday school teacher,
we have taken people into our homes for a year at a time and even had ministers
to come into the Church and cause confusion and scatter the flock but I
KNOW that God has been there for me. I have cried for the people, been
there when they needed me but it has not been easy. But God has been my
anchor. My husband spent 14 days in the hospital will viral pneumonia and
the doctor said he might live and I had to stand against the enemy during
this time, all the time he was in a coma, I had my 2 stepsons here, the
Church doors didn't close and the radio ministry said on the air. IF IF
you will step out and trust God he'll make a way. Oh and I have gone through
not being able to shop (that was one of my favorite past time before marriage)
BUT I SAID ALL THAT TO LET YOU KNOW I'M NOT A ROOKIE BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY
ONLY WHAT YOU DO FOR CHRIST WILL LAST!!! So when you feel like giving up
trust God and dance on the devils' head. God Loves you.
Untraditional Pastor's
Wife 3/27/01 Hi - I am going to be married to a pastor
in less than four weeks. I don't think I ever really thought that I would
end up as a pastor's wife, but I am very excited for the role. The church
that we minister at is a fiarly young church plant, with young members
and a casual style. We do have conservative, Bible-based standards, but
we are contemporary. And I am not what you would think of as a pastor's
wife - My ears are pierced seven times (I used to have my naval and tongue
pierced too), I like punk rock music, grungy resale clothes, I don't sing
in the worship band at church - I play bass guitar, and I also struggle
with the temptation of drinking alcohol in excess. Am I going to make it
as a pastor's wife?! My fiance is also not very traditional, with two earring
holes and a VW Bus. But I have felt called to ministry even before I really
met my future husband, and that is my desire for my life. I love God and
want to serve Him, but I struggle so much, even to pray and spend time
with Him. I'm also only 21 years old, and I feel I have a large role to
fill. Any advice from those who have been through the experience of being
a young pastor's wife? I appreciate any help:) And I think this is
a great forum to talk with each other!
someone cares 3/29/01
You
are going to be a great soul winner in the kingdom of God. Just by
the way you described yourself, you will be able to witness to the generations
to come. You can witness to those who have the ear piercings and
feel they are not worthy of salvation. You will be able to win souls
that "traditional looking" christians will not be able to do. You are the
way you are for a reason. God equips those whom he calls. People
will see Christ through you and think, "she looks like us and yet Christ
saved her". Be yourself. Live the life of a Christian. Your
will make a great pastor's wife.
Anonymous 4/3/01
It's
so funny to hear you call yourself "untraditional" because when I was your
age starting out in the late 70's - early 80's, that's just what I considered
myself to be: Untraditional. I began as a youth pastors wife so a
lot of what I was used to doing was more acceptable. I wasn't the
wife of the "Head Honcho" so it didn't matter if my skirt was shorter than
most of the other women, after all I was "ONLY" (not my quote) the youth
pastor's wife. But as I matured, got married, had my own children,
I went through a process that only the Holy Spirit could take the credit
for. Now at 40, I am still young looking, young minded and have a
great relationship with my 3 children (2 of which are teens) but the thing
that has kept me in the ministry is my love for people. That love
has taught me never to put a stumbling block in front of them. If
you can learn that lesson first, you will not do anything to cause others
to fall into sin. Let the Holy Spirit and not others show you where
you need to change but remember that there will be times that He uses others
to change you. (Iron sharpens iron and man sharpens man.)God bless you
in your new life as a Pastor's wife :)
Sidney 3/27/01
I
am dealing with a personality conflict with the senior pastors wife. We
just don't get along. I feel rejected and shamed every time I see her.
I've tried to tak with her about it but i walk away feeling more ashamed
for mentioning it. She has a chip on her shoulder and is defensive and
protective over her feelings. She refuses to be real with me. What do I
do when I'm in the same room with her and she sais something in response
to my conversation and she lays down the law. I constantly feel under scrutiny.
I don't feel convicted about what I'm saying I'm simply talking about my
needs feelings or weaknesses in a light way and she turns it into something
serious. She speaks grace, grace, grace but leaves it out when she's talking
to me. Help!!!!!!!
concern 3/28/01
Please
help me with a project, our church will be giving our pastor and his wife
an apprecation dinner real soon. I would like to read a nice poem
to the pastor's wife expressing our graditude for the sacrifices that she
and the children make on behalf of the church. Is there any suggestions
out ther? So often we neglect our pastor's wife and I would like
to have that add twist.
Dawn When I
attended a Christian college, I was adamently opposed to the idea of being
in the ministry. I have known since I was a child that I was supposed to
be an actress and writer and spent my time in college preparing for that
goal. I wouldn't even date a Bible major and when I started dating
the man who is now my husband I let him know upfront that I wasn't called
into the ministry. I repeatedly asked him if he was sure he wasn't
because his father and grandfather both were pastors. He assured me he
wasn't.
However, less than two months
after we were married, he announced that God had called him into the ministry.
Boy, talk about feeling angry! Later I learned that he had been prophesied
over several times throughout his life about his calling in the ministry-something
he never shared with me. We have been married for 13 years now and I have
stood by him and supported him as we have moved from place to place while
my life long dreams have gone down the tubes. I still do not feel called
to the ministry and the feeling of dread grows as my husband keeps trying
to make me into something I'm not. To be honest, I love the Lord
with all my heart but I do not enjoy sitting around talking about spiritual
matters or how to make the church grow or attending ladies conferences
or hanging out with church people. It's not my thing and never has
been. However, now my husband is expressing concern at my lack of
spirituality and pouring on the guilt. I wonder what is wrong with
me. During most of our marriage, my husband has exhibited a very
low sex drive as opposed to my very high sex drive. At 35, I am still
considered a very young looking and attractive women, but night after night
he has turned me down
because he was "too tired."
I tried to get him to go to the doctor for a check up, but he would become
sensitive and irritated. Then one day several years ago I discovered that
he was addicted to porn on the Internet and had struggled with it since
his early teens. I can't describe what this did to my already sagging
self esteem knowing these "naked ladies" did for him what I couldn't, but
I stood by him. After he realized he was caught, he got help and
to his credit he has "been clean" to the best of my knowledge for several
years. However, his sex drive is still non-existant and it doesn't
seem to matter that the Bible clearly talks about not keeping yourself
from your spouse except in prayer so that they won't fall into temptation.
Because I am attractive, men approach me often and so far I have resisted.
Everyone in the church thinks
he is next to God and I know that I will be the bad guy if our marriage
falls apart. He is a good man and really does love the Lord, but
something inside of me has died from all the past rejection. We have a
5 year old son so I keep praying for God to help me because I don't want
to ruin my son's life. I also feel a tremendous responsibility towards
the people in our church and know that leaving him would hurt them yet
the idea of spending the rest of my life in a nearly platonic relationship
in the ministry is depressing. Recently my writing and acting career
has really taken off and I can almost taste my dreams coming true.
This is where my heart is and has always been. My husband seems to
sense that I have become distant and has begun telling me more how much
he loves me. I tell him I love him too and pray to God that I will,
but the truth of the matter is I am much happier on my own and like it
when he goes out of town. I constantly have little conversations
in my head and tell myself that the grass is always seems greener on the
other side and to learn to be content, but my desire to follow my career
dreams is growing and I can tell you that the ministry and acting do not
mesh like some other
jobs might. I finally decided
to write after having a church fellowship at our house with our new leaders
last night. Everyone is so excited about the direction the church
is going and what the future holds. I just wanted to run away because
none of it was the least bit appealing to me. I feel like such a fraud
and I don't want to be the one to keep it from happening. The guilt
is unbearable. I have asked God for years to help me like the ministry
and to take away my own selfish desires, but my unhappiness only grows.
I am so sorry that my husband married me because he deserves someone who
is a true partner and even
after all we've been through,
I still respect him and want to see him succeed. I just don't want
to be married to him anymore. I don't understand why God allowed
this to happen when I was so careful to avoid this situation. I feel
like my husband wasn't honest with me about his calling just so I would
marry him and now I am trapped. I know that there is no answer to
this situation, so please pray for me. I really want to do the right
thing but I cannot continue like this much longer.
Kay 4/26/01 Dawn,
I wish I could talk to you personally, but since I can't, I'll do my best
here. I appreciate your openness and honesty and though I read many
entries, yours really stuck in my head. But I didn't know what to
say. Then I was reading my Bible tonight and I thought of you again.
You certainly have been through a lot of REALLY DIFFICULT situations and
are in the midst of one now. It was not fair that your husband did
not tell you of his plans to be in the ministry. But you are not
stuck. God has not forgotten you. Whether your husband is in
the ministry or not, God requires you to die to self, to let go of everything,
all your dreams, all your desires. When you do and you say, "Have
your own way, Lord." Then He causes His will to take place which
of course will include these talents He has given you. God gave you
these talents of writing and acting! He wants you to be happy and
fulfilled and to use them. Otherwise He wouldn't have given them
to you! Why can't you pursue your acting and writing while your husband
is the pastor. I pursued a career in creative work for several years
with my husband as the pastor. You will probably be a blessing to
the church even though you don't want to be. : ) But I have learned
that when God is going to manifest Himself through someone in a strong
way, He breaks them and requires them to let go of everything first and
when you are totally broken then He comes in and He works mightily through
you. So don't just look at the outward circumstances. I don't
know how much the devil knows, but perhaps he knows your destiny.
Perhaps he knows what great plans God has for you to be and do and he is
trying to trip you up now and stop it from happening. He trying to
lure you away and entice you to go against God. But if you will keep
on submitting yourself to God, if you will keep on humbling yourself before
God, He will lift you up! And your gifts in music and writing will
be used to help many many people. And you will feel so fulfilled.
Perhaps this was not your plan, but He is the Potter and we are the clay
- whether we are pastor's wives or not. So be encouraged! Keep
holding your place. Keep submitting yourself to God even though it
feels like it's killing you. He knows you. He sees you.
He wants you to be so happy, but you've got to do it His way. The
verse I read that reminded me of you is Malachi 2:16 "For the Lord, the
God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation...Therefore
keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit],
that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]."
The part that jumped out at me was "keep a watch upon your spirit that
it may be controlled by My Spirit." Your soul - your mind, your will,
and emotions - is trying to take over and lead you, but you must submit
your soul to God and let Him lead you. He will deliver you and help
you. I know with all the difficulties you've been through this is
nearly impossible - I know because my husband had an affair that lasted
a year and a half - and God taught me all this stuff and He healed me and
helped me. I felt like running and running and running far away.
I felt like killing myself. But by the grace of God, I did what I
knew God was telling me to do. I submitted my spirit to His Spirit
and now, NOW everything's 10,000 times better and I am able to help a lot
of people. And God is using all the gifts and talents He put in me
that seemed dormant, in a big, BIG way. Who knows where I'd be if
I would have followed after my flesh? My main point: If I can
do it, you can do it. The results are well worth it. I AM PRAYING
FOR YOU. Let us know how you are doing. We are all waiting
to see your writing and acting come into full bloom. : )
puppetmaker 3/30/01
WOW!
I attended a ladies meeting last night and Ruth Rieder (author of Power
Before the Throne and Reflecting the Glory) was the speaker. She spoke
for over 1-1/2 hours and it was wonderful. She talked about Holiness and
seperation from the world. If you have a chance to hear her go. Or
read her books (she also has a tape and video). I was soooo blessed.
She explained so many things that people struggle with. She has done
lots of research on this subject, and it is amazing. 85 years ago
people did not dress immodestly. She challenged us to teach the younger
women since it is a proven fact that what this generation does in moderation
the next generation will do in excess. As a PW I realized (again) the importance
and beauty of holiness - both inward and outward.
Jackie 4/3/01 I
have felt such a yearning to have someone that understands the "stuff"
in the life of a Pastor's wife life. I don't feel safe talking with
most PW in the area because you just don't know when it will come back
and bit you. I know God led me to this site today. I didn't
even know it existed. Things are difficult between my husband and
me right now. Communication is a real barrier that neither of us
can get over. We have withdrawn within ourselves and it is so lonely
there. I understood Joy's concern (2/8). I know that God is
my only hope. I try to pray even when I don't know how but I feel
so empty. There are so many other issues that I am dealing with.
I just ask for your prayers right now. May God bless each of you
today.
Anna 4/6/01
Hi, I don't know how to begin, but I FEEL my marriage is over. I
am a Pastors wife and I have never been so alone in my whole life.
I am tired of hearing everyone's problems and having no one to tell mine
to. I love my husband and so does the church, but they totally invade our
life. He won't take a break to go do anything with me and I have
taken a back burner. I am so tired of life in general that I
have considered suicide
to get out of this "Prison" I am in. I won't but it did cross my
mind. I work at the church, outside the church (at home) and the
phone rings off the hook with women who want me to be their best-friend
problem teller. I am emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.
I lead praise and worship in our church, I play the piano as well as numerous
other duties. My husband feels that It would not be right for me
to take a break so I am considering running. I am tired.
anonymous 4/10/01
I
am feeling for you, sister. I too, work in the church as my husband's
secretary, and I go home to 3 children and a house that needs tending to.
Then I leave at night to go to services, meetings, practices, etc. (I too
lead the Worship Dept. in our Church). I must say that you need to make
"Me" time. It is not a sin to use a caller ID at home or screen your
calls with an answering machine. It's also not at sin to say to the
caller, "I'm with my children right now." (or husband if that's the case)
And go back to doing what you were doing as a family. I have a great
saying for all of the Preachers out there that take on the whole world
and forget their own. "What does it profit a preacher if he travels
all over the world and preaches the Gospel, but loses his family in the
process?" It profits him nothing. Take time out with Jesus
on a daily basis so that you are refreshed in His presence. You can't
give out to others if you haven't refilled and refreshed your own soul
with the Word. Amen? God's Blessings to you.
4/11/01 I understand
well, how you, feel, and I can only pray for you. All I can say is that
I am walking the same road, and have learnet that in many ways the Lord
has become my only friend. And I must say that silence(no complaining,
murmuring) and fervent prayers has changed many many things. six months
into my marriage I thought it was over, but God has showed me and taufght
me to fight my battles in HIS presence than they will manifest in the physical
life. Do not give up. God is alive and well, and waiting for you
to daily, pour out your heart before HIM. I do not know much about
you, but we serve the same living God if you are born again, that means
what he has done and is still doing for me, he will surely do for you.
The road is tough but the Lord of the Road never sleeps. Wait uopon the
Lord(actively in prayer and warfare(do not forget the enemie)), and He
shall renew your strength. All the best for you.!!!!
P31 4/7/01
I have a problem with our 21 year daughter. She has been living on
her own now for over a year and has a nice job and shares an appartment
with a Christian co-worker. My husband and I raised our children
to love the Lord and live for Him. However my daughter hasn't gone
to church for months now - the excuse is that she workes on sunday evening
and is too tired to go, but she's not too tired to do anything else she
wants to. The other day we stopped by her place and discovered her
boyfriend their with her. He seemed too familiar with the appartment
and also with my daughter. Well, the boyfriend went outside to get
into his jeep and found that it had been broaken into. He came back
into the house and because he was upset, let it slip that the jeep had
been their all night! He quickly lied throught his teeth and told
us that my daughter had taken him home the night before because he was
too tired to drive. I think he lives about 5-10 miles away.
Anyway to make a long story short, my daughter called later that day and
appologized for the lie and told us he had, "crashed on the couch". She
tried to tell me that they were not "doing anything" but I find it hard
to believe. My daughter has always been a good girl. She has
always had a heart for the Lord. Even when she was in college she
refused to even be with the other kids that were drinking, doing drugs,
etc. She has never lied to me before. But now she is changing
her views about drinking and things like that. She and this boy are
talking marriage within the year and I would love it if you all would pray
about this situation. He is a PK and says he is a Christian but I
wonder. I would love to talk to my daughter about some of these things
but I am having a hard time knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when
to talk. My role as a mother has changed and I'm not sure where I
fit in anymore. My husband and I pastor a small church that
has mostly family in it and so I for sure can't talk to anyone in the church
about this. Wow! It feels good to get that off of my chest! :)
Sydney 4/8/01 I
believe God is working out my issue with the Sen. Pastor's wife. I am truly
beginning to see her heart instead of her personality. I still have a hard
road ahead of me though. Second, the Sen. Pastor has accused me in so many
ways of being a self seeker( to make a name for myself ) simply because
I won't help in Children's Ministry. My husband is so humble before the
Lord and I support him in any way I can and I feel that's a big job in
itself along with raising kids. i've been going through paranoia, contention
and an over active conscience. Please pray for me!!!!
anonymous 4/9/01
Hi
sisters in the Lord. I was reading the posts tonight and was saddend
in my heart as I read of how satan is working (as he always has) to destroy
our homes. I am a pastor's wife and I feel the pressures all the
time of the enemy closing in. I tell you it seems like as soon as
you've dealt with one problem one week then the next week it's something
else. We just found out that our church secretary has been stealing
money which was a real shocker and then you have people that just rebell
against the preaching of the Word. Where is the fear of the Lord
these days? I have seen where God's judgemnts thru sowing to the
flesh and reaping come to people when they thought that they had things
hid. But satan has blinded people to thinking that God isn't a God
of judgement. When a person continues in sin and rebells against
God's warnings, then it's sad to say but the consequences are sometimes
hard. Sisters, we have to be strong in the Lord and recognize the devil.
If it goes against the Word of God then it's from satan. You can't
play with the devil because he ain't playing with you. When thoughts
come into your mind to leave your husband and kids and do your own thing,
then you know right then where that idea came from!! pray, pray, pray.
This site is a perfect place to post difficulties that are happening in
your home, and church. It helps to just tell somebody like you can here.
Me and my husband were talking tonight after the service and you know,
the battle is going to become more intense because we ARE living in the
end-times. We have just a short time to do God's work that He has
called us to do. Draw close to God and encourage your husband in
the ministry. It will do something for you!!!!
loura 4/19/01 I
Surely agree entirely with every sigle word that you wrote, and for the
last two years the Lord has really woken me up, to the fact that we are
in a war, and that the enemy is out to steal, kill and destroy. I am also
a Pastor's wife, and identify with every writing on this board. All I can
say is that I had to learn to be awake, to fight, to withstand every wile
of the enemy. In His Word hHe says that he teaches our hands to fight,
and our fingers to war. I fight my battles in the prayer room. And wait
for the manifestation in my daily life. Our ministry is in crisis
at the moment as well. Many problems!!! But I will continue to keep my
eyes on Him, and continue to pray, pray, pray, I encourage each one of
you to do the same.
shell 4/12/01 help
i am 32 mother of 2 homeschool and now my husband has become a pastor after
working in the secular world for 11 years. i feel alone and fustrated
he works his 40 hour job on to of school and 25 hours at the church plant.
time and money is a strech and i feel like screaming to get some one to
listen to me. i am pulled in every direction. i hate change
and am not people gifted. i feel that 2 is company and 3 is a crowd
yet here i am on the front lines. satan is battling with us ever
waking moment and i am tired the one side says keep on fighting and the
other says give up its like bailing water out the titanic. my time
with my husband consists of a 20 min phone call while he is coming home
from work. i feel that no one is around to support me yet my husband
meets with men of like mind 3 times a week. HELP SOME ONE PLEASE
need your prayers
4/14/01 I have been a Pastor's wife now for 9ys. We started out
as many with just us and our son. Over the years it was hard, but we made
it with God's help. God is blessing our church for which I am greatful.
Our ministry has grown etc. But I find myself were some of the leaders
and members i don't like or trust.Many of them gossip and keep up confusions.And
I'm to the place to were I wish they would just leave. Because they discourge
so many of the new members. it's like we(my husbands and I ) are trying
to build up the ministry. And they try to tare it down with gossip. I find
myself very withdrawn from people. I have high blood pressure and tension
and stress.And it's all from ministry. I don't enjoy minisrty as I once
did.I don't even want to prayer for these people anymore. I know that's
the wrong attitude, but it's the truth.My heart often aches I don't have
a friend, because most of the pastors wives i know, want to gossip. are
talk about the lates fashion. My husbands says it's THE BURNT OUT EFFECT
I say it's more than that.I need prayer. I love God, and he's never failed
me yet. But i feel byself. is there any othere Pastor's wife out there
, who has felt this way. and will be hones in admitting it. sign pray for
me!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous 4/24/01
This
is to the person who signed off "Need your prayers". I just want to encourage
you! It sounds like a hard journey. But I know that God will draw near
to you and fill you with love for those who have gossiped about you. They
are probably hurting people who have unmet needs and are filling them with
the wrong things. You may be the one God wants to use to help meet those
needs. God is strong when we are weak and poor in Spirit. Just love them
and spend time with them in kindness of heart and it will soon stop. If
you avoid them, sneer at them, shove them away with cold words, make short
conversation etc. it'll continue from them feeling the rejection, you'll
give the devil a foothold and give them reasonable doubt by comparison
and discernment of your attitude and behavior. The only other alternative
is to pray up and then kindly approach them about it, in casual conversation
expessing your "personal boundaries" to them. This maybe an area of growth
for you but it's worth it! Praying for you!
Rev. 1st Lady 12/20/01
Greeting in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This is
a response to need your prayers 4/14/01. Being a first lady for the past
14 years, our ministry also started with just family members. Now it has
grown over the past years with other people. But family is hard ministering
too. It seems soon as you build your church up, family members want to
tear it down with gossiping and messing with the new members. But don't
let no one rob your joy that God has given you. If the ministry has been
joyful for u once it can be again. Stop wasting your time on idle talk.
Pray to God for guidence and healing. Like Pastor Shirley Ceaser said "HE
WILL COME"! God Bless You...and i will be praying for you!!!!!!
Mary Kay 4/16/01
My
husband has been a pastor for many years. He was raised by a man
who was basically cold to his family - especially his wife. His father
was unfaithful and had affairs with several women. Needless to say,
we are a product of how we're raised, and this has attached itself to my
husband. He has never been unfaithful to me but he has been accused
before because in public, for many years, he acted as though I didn't exist
but was overly friendly to others-men and women alike. He is a "hands-on"
person and always has his hands on someone. Because of his raising,
he has trouble relating to me and holding me. I can tell he wants
to but something is holding him back. He treats his children as his father
treated him. He will reach out to someone else before them....I know
he loves them more than the other kids in the church...what is the deal?
and .... how do I handle this? Please pray for me. I need to
be shown love by my husband and so do my children. I have told him
repeatedly how I feel and it usually evolves into a big argument. I came
from a very affectionate family. Do I leave to get his attention?
What do I do to change this....I have prayed & prayed about it....and
it seems that he is determined to not change. HELP!
GE 4/16/01 This
is my first time writing on this site. I have spent time scrolling
throught the pages, reading all the thoughts from all of you out there,
and it seems I can relate to so much of all of your feelings! I am a 29
year old pastor's wife. My husband and i planted a church 4 years ago.
We started with just the two of us and my 6 week old son. We now average
about 180 a week - but it has been a long, hard road. I have gone through
so many ups and downs. I have two small children, I teach second grade,
and I just finished my Masters degree. Between all of that and being a
Pastor's wife ... I have nearly gone over the edge. I am struggling so
much with being a "Pastor's wife" and being friends with ladies in our
church. Where do you draw the line? It seems as though any effort I have
made to be "real" always backfires in my face. I long for a true friend
who does not see me as the pastor's wife, but as a real person with the
same every day struggles. I don't want to be "fake" - yet being too transparant
could be harmful as well. There is so much pressure.
Some days, I just want to quit. But I look at the 180 people sitting out
there, and know that I can't do that to them. But is being in ministry
really worth the sacrafice of loosing my sanity? I need a friend!
anonymous 4/19/01
God
is good all the time!!! You know, it is all in God's hands.
You either trust Him or you dont! Since the beginning of this year
we have had people leave our church. We had another family leave
this week. And they've all been different reasons. But I know that
God is taking care of everything. You can't walk by sight when you're
working for the Lord. You HAVE to walk by faith! I was reading
a previous post about having friends in the church. You can have
casual friends but you better not have any close friends in the church.
It's sad but you almost have to keep things on a business level. I have
had to nurture friendships with other distant pastor's wives. You
have a common ground. They know where you're coming from. People
in the church don't. Your husband is there to be their spiritual
guide and you are there to be his helpmate. Almost like Hur and Aaron
held up the arms of Moses in the battle. You have to hold up your
husbands arms in the ministry. Because it's a battle too. Be encouraged.
Prayer is crucial!! And what you do for the Lord is not in vain.
Praise His name!
AL 4/20/01 I
know how you feel! I tried many times to fit into the "Pastor's Wife"
box and it just didn't work. I have never found a true friend in
our church, and I don't think I ever will. That doesn't bother me
anymore though. I know that if I want to have a friend it will be
outside of our church and usually it is another PW.(although alot of PW's
are so used to being a "mentor" or "councelor" that they don't know how
to be a FRIEND) It hurts when people from the church visit your neighbor
right next door and never bother to stick their head in to say hi. I used
to long for someone who would just come by to have coffee or go for a walk
- someone I could pour my heart out to. The Lord did bless me with
a friend like that, but at the time we were not pastoring. (she is still
a wonderful friend but lives in another state now) I decided a long time
ago to just be myself - it's not easy, but at least I am not always worried
about what so and so are saying about me or if wearing pants to a service
is going to cause a church split. I guess I have gotten a little
"thick skinned" over the years. I've stopped thinking of myself as
a pastor's wife and just started being human again. My house DOES
get messy, my hair is not always PERFECT and the kids..... well they are
mine and I will take care of them. I know that sounds hard but I
needed to just live normal. I wish that when the kids were little
I would have been more like I am now. I took the children to church
when they were sick just because I couldn't miss a service. The poor little
things just needed mommy give them their medicine and put them to bed but
their mommy was the Pastor's wife and well you know the story. One
time, one of the women of the church had a "vision" that I was stealing
paper products from the church and using them at home! After that
was when I decided that I would just take a DEEP breath, start over and
just be me. My husband also realised that being a pastor didn't mean
that he had no family. We started doing things we had never done
before, i.e. camping, fishing, just driving in the woods. It refreashed
our wounded souls and gave our children good memories they will never forget.
I could go on but I didn't set out to tell you my life story! :)
Hang in there - you will find the balance and be better because of it!
I'm with you!
kg 4/21/01 I
have been a pastor's wife for 12 years. When I first started I heard
the advice of seasoned pastor's wives to NOT be friends with my church
members. I thought that was harsh and couldn't be right. Time
and time again I proved myself wrong. Find a friend elsewhere. I
know it is hard but it is the best for your congregation and you!
I found other pastor's wives in OTHER cities and family. God Bless.
I know God will fullfill the need.
GE 4/23/01 I
wrote last week talking about my struggles finding a real friend in our
church. When we first moved here to plant this church, I remember a Pastor's
Wife telling me, "You can NEVER really have a true friend that is in your
church." I went home and had no idea what she meant! Sadly, I have learned.
It has been hard. I have put my heart and soul into two different friendships,
both ending with them leaving the church or threatening to leave when the
smallest thing happens. Nothing hurts me more than so many unsatisfied
people unhappy over any little thing. I am learning, though, to just let
them go. I am also learning what many of you have written, seek friendships
elsewhere. It is just so hard when I invest so much time and energy into
all of these ladies ... I wish things could be different. It is so hard
to realize that this is a job - and to see it as that, and not to get so
emotionally involved. Please pray that God will put other Pastor's wives
in my path and that I could begin to develop friendships with them, instead
of investing so much into people in my own church. Thank you for your comments
and support! God is good, even when people fail. I am so glad HE never
changes.
Mrs Mac 4/17/01
I
just wanted to point some of you to a wonderful book about our ministry
as wives called High Call High Privialge by Gail MacDonald- I am really
enjoying it, and it is very helpful. I am a mother of a 2 yr old, and my
husband of 3 yrs is a youth minister that recently submitted to a call
to preach/pastor which I knew he would do when I married him. My father
is a pastor, and has been since I was 8yrs old. I have been through
plenty with the two of them. I would love to be of any help to anyone in
this life of ours. And I would love a little help with this one- my pastors
wife doesn't like me. Not just that, likes to tell me off. In public. In
front of church members. They are beginning to make comments to me about
it. She is a really rude lady anyway, but I am at a loss.Sunday she told
me off in front of her S.S. class-3rd & 4th graders! I have been patient,
apologetic, and supportive of her and her husband. I have even gone to
him, but I didn't get much help. Suggestions are welcome.
Sydney 4/17/01
I
feel like my role in church is just work, work, work all the time. I beginning
to resent ministry all together. No one asks nicely or sais please anymore.
They just expect me to do it without feeling it out or expressing myself
in honesty any way. I am considered being in rebellion. Well maybe
I am but someone could be sympathetic are share a word of compassion for
what I'm going through. I feel like I'm in chains and shackals and nobody
seems to give a care about my needs. Noone will listen or hear what I really
have to say, if it's anything negative to any degree right or left they
shame me for even talking. I have come from a place of freedom to place
of hard nosed legalists. I am so angry!!!! Why does God have us here right
now! Please someone lift me up in prayer!
Tina 4/19/01 I
have been married to a wonderful man for almost two years. He was
studying to become a pastor and I don't know what has happened. He
and I were having problems and he left me for a couple of weeks till the
Lord brought him back home to me. We are working out our problems
and everything seems to be going well with that. I am grateful for
that, but he seems confused about his relationship with the Lord.
I don't really know what is going on with him. I am thinking once
we move, which we have been planning for a few months, things might settle
and he'll return to the Lord. This is so hard for me. He says
he is not concerned for his soul or the souls of those the Lord told us
we would be reaching. He is doing and saying things that are so unlike
him. He even says he doesn't care what God has for him now. Please
pray he'd return to his first love.
mickey89 4/19/01
I
am not a pastor's wife but I am dating a man currently studying to become
a pastor. I am looking for words of wisdom from women that already
hold the title pastor's wife. Suggestions on books to read, things
to consider, ect. I would appreciate any insight that you can offer.
peach 4/22/01
Hi ladies! I am the wife of a minister of music and adminstration.
We've been married 13 years and have 3 boys ages 3,7 &10. I wanted
to give you all some encouragement. It seems that so many of you
need it. In my experience I have found that you simply MUST just
be yourself. You are
not perfect and don't need
to act like you are. Be real. And if some folks don't like
it, well really what does it matter anyway? I have come to a place
in my life, and believe me it was not an easy trip, that I realize not
everyone is going to love me. As a matter of fact, not everyone will
even like me. But what does that really matter? GOD loves me!
It can be so hard to be gossiped about. To be put up on some pedastal
to be looked up to. I have found that if I let people know right
up front that I am no different than they are, that I am a wife, a mom,
a woman, and I have the same struggles & the same needs as they do,
that it puts people at ease. They treat me like a regular person
and that's just what I am. I am a regular person, called by God.
There are so many ways Satan attacks us. This is his favorite one
for us minister's wives. Be secure in who you are, you are not perfect,
but you belong to someone who IS perfect, and He loves you! Our dear
church is going through a terrible trial right now. Our pastor has
left, not jus the church, but his own family as well. It is so sad
and so hard on our church. You would think at a time like this I
would just be totally depressed and stressed. But I am not.
I can only think of one reason why. GOD is in CONTROL! I am
at peace. Do you ever find yourself totally amazed by God?
I do all the time lately. I mean, I did pray and ask him to give me peace.
What did I expect?! You precious ladies are all in a highly stressful
situation. If being a wife and mother weren't stressful enough, you
are a minister's wife to boot! I encourage you to pray for God to
send you a "Heart Friend" at church. Someone you can be totally yourself
with. Someone who will love you no matter what you do or say.
It is so important. If you cannot find someone like that within your
church then try going to a few of those "Pastor's Wives Luncheons" I'm
sure we've all been invited to at some point. Find yourself a friend
and mentor there among other women who know exactly what you are going
through. Most of all keep your eyes focused on God. If you
mess up, if you fall on your face, reach up and grab hold of His strong
hand and get back up, dust yourself off and keep on going. We all
fall down sometimes, it's normal. I am praying for each of you today.
That God will grant you peace, wisdom and a true friend to help you through
it all. May God wrap his big ol' arms around you, and squeeze you
REAL tight! In His Love, peach
Lee 4/23/01 I
have been in the ministry for 10 years. My husband always either worked
a secular job and did ministry. My husband who is a pastor took a full
time youth pastor position 10 months ago. It has been wonderful or so I
thought. Every Youth Pastor has quit except for us. The kids run their
parents. The kids are good kids, but that's the problem. They have no relationship
with the Lord. As long as they come to church and be good, then everyone
thinks everything is okay. Well, here we are trying to teach these teens
to have a walk with God and all they want is a babysitter. On top of all
of this, our teen daughter has been acting horrible. She has been using
some awlful language, and has a terrible attitude. Therefore, she has been
made an example and therefore discredited us. They have to realize that
she has her own free will. We are discipling her and doing the appropraite
things, but she is not perfect and neither are we. I believe his job is
in jeopardy. All I ask is for MAJOR prayer. We want to be where God's wants
us. If it is somewhere else, fine or here fine. We will go wherever He
leads us.
1st time first lady
4/24/01 I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOME RESPONE ON THE FACT THAT I
TO I'M A PASTOR'S WIFE. MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN ELECTED THE SENIOR PASTOR
OF A FAMILY ORGANIZED CHURCH is 54 YEARS OLD AND THE PEOPLE IN THIS CHURCH
THINK THAT THEY OWN THE CHURCH AND THE PASTOR AND EVERYTHING ELSE IF THEY
DISAGREE WITH THE PASTOR OR ANY ONR ELSE THEY CALL A GROUP MEETING AND
NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT THE DOOR. WHY I S IT IS THAT THE MOMENT
YOU MENTION BIBLE STUDY, SUNDAY SCHOOL EVERY WANT TO HEAD TO THE HILLS?
THE SO CALLED HEAD DEACON LOVE TO HAVE THINGS HIS WAY OR NO WAY AT ALL
AND ALL THE OTHER MEMBERS FOLLOW IN HIS FOOT STEPS EVEN IF HE IS WRONG.
IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THIS MAN HAVE NOT BEEN IN THE CHURCH LONG AND
I DON'T THINK HE'S ORDAINED. THE PASTOR RETIRED AT AGE91 AND THE PEOPLE
THERE DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO THEY SEEM TO BE UNTAUGHT AND REFUSED TO
LEARN ANYTHING EXCEPT MONEY, MONEY, MONEY. WHY IS IT THAT SOME PEOPLE HUG
THE PASTOR AND NO THE WIFE? WILL I EVER BE CALLED ANYTHING OTHER THEN THE
PASTOR? WHEN WILL THE PEOPLE STOP WATCHING EVERY MOVE I MAKE ? I WEAR COFFEE
COLOR STOCKINGS AND SOME OF THE LADIES FINALLY ASKED ME WHY DON'T I WEAR
STOCKINGS? I TOLD THEM AND SHOWED THEM ALSO THAT I WEAR STOCKINGS EVERY
SUNDAY. THESE LADIES HAD DISCUSSED THAT THE PASTORS WIFE DON'T WEAR ANY
STOCKINGS. IT SEEM THAT EVERY LITTLE THING GET ON MY NERVES WITH SOME OF
THESE MEMBERS. COULD IT BE BECAUSE I'M 8 YEARS YOUNGER THAN MY HUSBAND?
WHEN I TRY TO SHARE WITH HIM HOW I FEEL IT'S ALWAYS ME LET HIM TELL IT
.BUT THROUGH IT ALL GOD IS STILL BLESSING ME AND HELPING ME TO REMAIN NICE.
AND RESPECTFUL TO THE PEOPLE EVEN WHEN I KNOW THAT THEY DON'T CARE FOR
ME. SO PLEASE THOSE OF YOU THAT'S BEEN A PASTOR'S WIFE FOR A LONG TIME
PLEASE SHARE WITH ME ANY ADVICE. YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST 1ST TIME FIRSTLADY
L
Esther 4/26/01
Several
weeks ago, I shared in a post that many of the problems, situations and
struggles of Pastor's wives could be addressed if (possibly) ministers
would refrane from marriage while in the ministry. I am interested in the
reflections of other pastors wives with regard to this "modest proposal".
The question could also be put this way: What is it that the Pastor's wife
brings to the Ministry? Does the marrige of the pastor "get
in the way" of the ministry and mission of the Church? Could
many of the difficulties experienced by good women on this site be avoided
if the Prostistant minister, like the Roman Catholic priest was celibate.
In sum, if such a proposal was to be achieved the very reason and nature
of this site would be mute. I am eager to hear the responses
of pastor Wives!!!!!
Persy 4/26/01 I
need ideas on how to start a wp support group in my area. I live
in Tampa, Florida and we don have one here. Please help me.
Karen 4/26/01 All
these entries just break my heart. My husband and I have been in
the ministry for 18 years. I know how you feel. God has given
me such a burden for wives of men in the ministry and I have been praying
in general for ministry wives, but now that I found this site I can pray
for you SPECIFICALLY. We are all not only going to make it, but we
are going to make it VICTORIOUSLY!!! Did you know that the word translated
"virtuous" in Proverbs 31 is the same word translated "valiant" in
Psalms 108:13 "Through and with God we shall do valiantly, for He it is
Who shall tread down our adversaries"? In other verses it is translated
"strength" and "valor" and "might". So I just want to encourage you
all - you are valiant women, strong in the Lord and in the power of His
might. You are the head and not the tail. You are going to
succeed BIG TIME! And you are going to be the key factor in protecting
your marriage and seeing your husband and ministry go forward strongly.
There's so much I would like to say to encourage you, but I can't write
it all down here. I did write it in a book, though, and it's coming
out next month. It's called "Do You Hear the Battle Cry?" and it
is for the wives of men in the ministry. It is about the strong position
God has put us in as wives of men in the ministry, how the enemy tries
to deceive us out of it, and and how we have the surpassing victory as
we fight through praying God's Word, through obeying God's ways for wives
as outlined in the Scriptures, and by standing strong in the face of opposition.
It includes everything I wish someone had told me when I was younger.
I believe God is raising up an army of women that will fight for their
husbands, their marriages, and their ministries - an army of women who
will do their part in advancing the kingdom of God with strength and force
and do valiantly against the enemy. You are in that army. BE
ENCOURAGED. You're going to do great.
robin 4/26/01 I
just discovered this sight today. I have been feeling so lonely and
discouraged. We have been married and in ministry 13 years. Our marriage
is strong and God has blessed us with two miracle children (both born three
months prematurely and completely healthy and normal, praise God!).
We took on our fourth pastorate nearly two years ago. This church
is so different from any my husband has ever pastored. In the
past, we have always felt so loved and supported. Sure, we had some
people who didn't like us at every church, and that's to be expected.
But we have never felt such dislike and disapproval like we have at this
church. My husband was appointed here as a replacement of a
pastor who had been here ten years, who was appointed elsewhere. The conference
thought my husband would be able to do a lot in this church to help it
grow and develop disciples. The church said it was ready for someone
like my husband, who has great ideas for growth and developing lay ministries
in the church, and helping people find their spiritual gifts and using
them in the church. However,once we got here, we found out that they
really weren't ready at all for us. They are still bereaving the
loss of the last pastor, and my husband can hardly get anything done because
he can never be the kind of pastor the other guy was. Apparently,
the last pastor spent a lot of time neglecting his own family and catering
to every whim of the power-holders in the church. My husband has
made it clear that his family is his first priority, and he has been working
hard to try to teach them that the pastor can't do it all; these people
expect the pastor to do EVERYTHING. We are definitely a church following
the 20/80 rule: Twenty percent of the people int he church are doing
80 percent of the work. We have tried to start some new ministries to help
bring in growth (our semi-rural area is seeing a huge population surge,
and we want to reach those people for Christ and get them into a church).
But these people want to keep the church small. Nothing my husband
does is right in their eyes. WE have been under constant attack since
we've come here. It's not everybody, but probably about a fourth
of the church is grumbling. I sometimes think it's just Satan attacking
because he knows we're doing what God wants and he doesn't like it.
We do have many wonderful saints int he church who are on board with
us. But we feel we're almost at the breaking point. One can
only take being beaten up for so long. There are days when neither
one of us can hardly get out of bed. My husband, who is usually pretty
upbeat, is really struggling with depression, and so am I. I am trying
at the same time to homeschool our oldest and take care of a toddler.
I am worship leader at our contemporary service we started that was a miracle
to get started!), and I organized a visitation team that goes out into
the community once a week. But I feel lately like I can't even function.
The house is a mess, the homeschooling is floundering, and I want to drop
out of my ministries in the church. I have no life outside of this
church, and no friends, and neither does my husband, except for the local
ministerial association he belongs to. I love my husband so much,
but I find myself thinking at times if I had it to do all over again,
I wouldn't marry a pastor. This life is so hard. Sure, there
are times when we've been blessed beyond measure. But the bad times
just seem so BAD. I know this will pass, as we've been through hard
times before. But we're ready to shake the dust from this place.
Problem is, I don't want us to go to another church. I want to take
a break,a nd see waht life would be like outside the ministry. I
want to have joy in going to church again, where I get involved because
I truly want to, and not because it's expected of me. I 've
gotten to where I don't like going to church any more, and I'm afraid my
children will develop this attitude. I'm tired of being so hurt by
so-called christian people. The scary thing for us is we don't
know how my husband would support us. I gave up my teaching career
to stay at home, and have since had my certificate expire, which would
take lots of money to renew as it would require working on a masters degree.
My husband is a superb guitarist and drummer and has always had a dream
of going to Nashville and trying to get into the music ministry, but that
scares me to death, what it might to do our family. We're at a crossroads
really, where we feel like we have to decide if this pastoral ministry
thing is really where God wants us. Any words of encouragement?
sisdonna 4/30/01
You
are probably in the right place at the right time! Girl... hold still
and see the salvation of the Lord. Satan is very busy everywhere
right now (if you have read some of the letters posted here) He is discouraging
the Lord's servants left and right. We need to grind our heals in
the ground and tell him that he cannot have our husbands, our children,
our ministries nor our peace of mind. We are MORE than conquerors
through Christ Jesus. We are building a 1500 seat sanctuary in an
area that has been known for prostitution, drugs, alcohol and suicide in
the middle of a very urban area. The strong man that has held that
area for so long is REALLY trying to discourage our leaders, board and
my husband. We are pressed about on every side but the glimpses of
what the Lord is going to do is enough of a motivation to keep going.
You are being used to change that church. Sometimes change happens
slowly, but with the Holy Spirit and much prayer and fasting, He will see
you through, I PROMISE! I feel so impressed to encourage you.
As I read your letter the Lord just wants to let you know that you are
His child and that you shouldn't be weary in well doing, for in duetime
you will reap the harvest that He has planned for you to reach. GOD
BLESS YOU and your precious family Robin!
Fern 5/1/01 Robin,
I feel for you, I really do. My husband and I have been in the ministry
for 6 years now, and have went through the thoughts you have expressed.
Our home church was a very destructive church spiritually.We came out of
that and started schooling and our first pastorate .This first church was
a true challenge as it was in an area of much drugs, alcohol, and abuses
of all types. It was depressing but rewarding. After 4 years of this we
were called to our present church and O what a relief it is. Just when
I was disparing that all churchs were in decline we find a gem of a church.
God really opened my eyes to the fact that His people are still alive and
well out there. I guess what I am trying to say is to hang on. You have
been in the ministry for 13 years and just now feel lke giving up. I would
say that is the old devil and depression talking. Just hang in there. When
you have done all then stand, and let God do the rest. We aren't expected
to have all the answers, but to be willing workers and lean on God for
direction. Hang in there , there is power in prayer.
AL 5/1/01 Eph
6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,
against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against
the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. I know you know
this but sometimes we just need to be reminded. I think when we get
into situations like this it is a direct attack from the enemy. Some
churches have strongholdes from years past and a new pastor coming in has
to bind those strongholds and boy oh boy is it a battle! What does
the enemy want? To destroy the body. If he can discourage the
pastor and his wife until they leave then he has accomplished his task.
If he can keep pastors in the church who just scratch itching ears then
he has accomplished another task. This is a real life spiritual battle!
We are the warriors with many battle scars - but ready to do the Lord's
battle, to death if need be. We are not facing anything the our Lord
Jesus didn't face. Look at His life, He was trying to bring in a
new teaching that had never been taught before. It went against everything
that the religious leaders knew. And His teaching still does!
Love your enemies? Do good to those who hate you? Endure to
the end? My flesh want's those who have done wrong to me to pay!
But that (my flesh) is not the Heavenly way! God be with you and
your husband as you fight the good fight. Look up, He is coming soon
and the enemy is working overtime to kill and destroy. E-mail me
if you want to.
robin 5/18/01 Thank
you, Fern, Sisdonna, and AL for the words of encouragement and wisdom you
gave me. I was recently at a Women of Faith conference, and it helped
me so much. I was also able to share some of my frustrations and
heartache with some of the women from our church who were there as well,
and found out that my husband and I really do have a lot of support in
the church, and they think he's doing exactly what God wants him to do,
and that's why the enemy is fighting us. I still have days when I
want out of this kind of life, but I don't feel that God is finished with
us here yet. I know He has plans for us and for this church.
peach 4/26/01 A
book suggestion: "Being A Minister's Wife...and Being Yourself" by Nancy
Pannell. This is a fabulous book!! Well worth the read.
I noticed you can get it at amazon.com too!
robin 4/27/01 In
response to Caroline, 3/11 and Ann on3/29...I, too, snuck off one Sunday
and went to another church! I had a great time that morning worshipping
where no one knew me and had no expectations of me. When I told my
husband about it, he was totally supportive. I think it's okay to
visit other churches occasionally; you need it. Your husband can't
be your pastor. I think as long as you do keep some involvement in
your husband's church to appease people, why not seek fellowship and nurturing
from another source? Our church does not have a Sunday evening service,
so my husband and I have both been considering attending another church
on Sunday evenings just so we can be ministered to. Thanks, peach (4/26)
for the book suggestion.
Danay 4/28/01 YOU
LADIES ARE THE ANSWERS TO MY PRAYERS!!! Ive been searching forever for
this, but I cant get too personal because im online in my husbands name
and page. If someone would get back to me id love it. I need a personal
chatgal. Im only 25 and my issues range from misplaced love, to understanding
how to minister to my husband hes 42 and Im his third wife. I love you
all and I feel like I just stepped into a pastors wives ongoing conference.
Marilynn 4/28/01
Just
thought I'd comment since I've been reading since Christmas and been an
observer. I have been a pastor's wife for 10 years now. I'm still
not sure how I feel about it after all of this time. I have learned
that for me to be mentally/emotionally healthy I seek friendships outside
of the church. I enjoy the people at our church and am involved but
all at arms length. Is a strange life at times. I don't get
overly involved in church stuff..I used to sing in the choir which I enjoy
at our last church..I teach Sunday school as substitute teacher.
I just knew right from the beginning that this was my husband's call.
I work in social work and am involved in this area so I suppose I have
a ministry of my own. I used to long for the time when I could just
walk into a church with my children and worship free of being the pastor's
wife. Has been difficult. I know I really don't hope for our
children to be involved in the ministry! That sounds terrible but
there are many other ways to be in ministry besides parish..parishoners
just do not understand why we aren't interested in hanging out with them,
going out for dinner/dancing,or just being close friends. I see it
as my husband's business and some of it does fall onto me..women calling
to talk, be counseled, etc..So to spend evenings with parishoners we usually
end up being the listeners, counselors..we are not free to reciprocate.
So as the world turns in the life of a pastor's wife. My husband
is definitely in the right place, right call, and his heart is for the
Lord. For me has always been a friendly balance - I have one very
close woman friend outside of our church. I don't really have anything
else to say just thought I'd add my opinion.
Teacher40 5/5/01
I've
experienced many of the same things you have. So many of the people
I had hopes for being good friends just turn out to be a long-term counseling
project. It gets to the point sometimes where I just don't answer
the phone when I'm here by myself. I have prayed for good friends
to actually be "real" friends, but it hasn't happened yet. Even in
my job as a teacher in my community, it always comes down to me being a
"preacher's wife". People wind up using me for counseling, babysitting,
money, or whatever. I really don't mind the Lord using me for various
things, but it is a lonely life sometimes. Thankfully, my husband
is my best friend, and he has time for me and his children. There
are great people our age in our church, and many of the women have gone
out to do things together, but there is just something keeping us from
becoming too close. It's probably me. You know, there's always
the underlying knowledge that we might possibly move at any time, so that
makes a person not want to settle in and get close, too. This forum
is a good way for us wives to get things off our chests. Thanks for
letting me chime in.
citygirl33 4/30/01
My
husband and I are in full time ministry in a very big city,in a very big
ministry that requires alot of hours usually till 10:00 or 11:00 p.m. except
one day off a week, i am very tired and dont want to do this anymore, the
teaching we have received here says ministry first not your house my husband
and i think that is false teaching, the short time i have been in ministry
i dont like what i see, i used to be such a servant i would help out anyway
i could now i cant STAND to do anything my walk with the lord has suffered
i dont pray or read my bible as much as i used to, i heard from a pastors
wife that if you try to take your husband away from what god is doing in
his life your in big trouble, i heard you can either submit or be single,
which i took as divorse is an option.This is not just my husbands life
its also mine and our children, is that selfish, i also must add that when
we got married we were not saved we were saved in may of 93" we had been
married five years, so ministry was never a conversation. We are about
to step out and duplicate what we learned here in another part of our city,
and to be honest i dont know, part of the vision will be a church along
with all the other outreaches and im wondering how much family time we
will have, i read in a christian book that you cant have everything without
compromising somewhere.I just feel from my little experience that even
with
trying to balance ministry, family, and marriage something suffers somewhere
no matter how hard you try, and i think esther is on to something i was
mentioning the exact same thing to my husband a couple of weeks ago about
the catholic church being on to something and did god really intend married
people whos first ministry is their own house first to be in full time
ministry.i dont want to be another statistic of a family in ministry that
ends in disaster. thanks for your ears.
singing4him 5/8/01
As
a pastor's wife myself, I have felt the pressure of balancing family and
ministry. But this is the conclusion that I have come to thru much
prayer. Our FAMILY is our FIRST ministry and then the church.
If you lead thousands to the Lord and neglect your family and they resent
you for taking time for everything and everybody else but them and they
never come to the Lord, is it worth that???? I'm telling you, your
first responsibility is to your family. People will come and go.
The very ones that you thought were your friends will turn against you,
but your family is always gonna be there. Don't let your schedule
be so filled with church stuff that you have to pencil in time for your
children. They'll pay for it and so will you one day.
Sydney 4/30/01
I
am not sure we are complete agreement with the Sen. Pastor's. It's no wonder
we are having the problems we are having. Communication is thin and few
and far between. I don't feel like even sharing my heart any more. When
I do the leadership take it on as there own and talk about it like it's
there idea and then give me no room really to share and own my own heart.
I don't know what they are searching for it's a pleasure to help others
relate better with one another but I feel people are a bunch of copy cats
and can't accept themselves enough to come up with there passiona nd desires
and run with it. I am so hurt that I can't even talk to people anymore
without fear of someone hurting me again and again. Past churches we've
been in have never been this hard to get a long with people. No one can
measure up to them they always act like they have a handle on everything
and even if they don't there perfectionist attitude still comes in when
admitting it as if confession bring them some kind of perfection too and
everything is always redined to look absolutely positive in some way or
another. They turn so many circles of confusion that no one can ever figure
it out. I know God has a handle on it, I just have to remember that and
keep asking God to help me forgive them over and over. I just wish they
would let down there hair and be real people with real issues and begin
to relate and sympathize with others instead of acting so high and mighty
all the time. God called regular people to serve and lead not the righteous
who might condemn the lost. I'd rather be a sinner, the lost, the weak,
the poor in spirit, a sheep and see Jesus meet my needs, than to be the
righteous, a saint, etc. and be forgotten. Al you out there expressing
your needs you are but sheep and God knows your needs, He hears you and
He is right beside you and has a plan to meet everyone of your needs in
the most comforting ways to restore you to himself and He uses each other
to do it. Hope you are all blessed this week!
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