Rock Dove Publicationstoll-free (888) HIS-DOVE

Pastor's Wife's Support Board

The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!
Page 1

Page 2
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6
Page 7
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
Page 11
Page 12
Page 13
Page 14
Page 15
Page 16
Page 17
Page 18
Page 19
Page 20
Page 21
Page 23 - Current Page

Lezza  8/1/2005  I can not believe I have FINALLY found a site where I can relate to OTHER preacher's wives out there. My husband pastor's a growing church in a fast growing community. We started with 8 people in our living room 4 years ago. Now we are running approximatley 60-70 and started a building project for a new sanctuary. It is TOUGH being a pastor's wife. We have three children, 5, 3 and a 4 month old. I am learning everyday that we can please everybody. There will ALWAYS be someone somewhere letting the devil rear his head in a situation. I am just glad that GOD is my judge and not other christians. My husband works full time, we run a small side business AND pastor's a church. So you can imagine how life is around this household- BUSY. I desire anyone's prayers or helpful hints in striving to be a preacher's wife. TRUST me I do know that I am being watched by many- but I wish other woman would understand that I am a woman, wife, mother too. Being pw can be very lonely place sometime- but I would not trade it for anything. Thank GOD for having someplace to share thoughts and meet others in the ministry.

PrayerChain  8/2/2005  I am thankful that I found this sight and my heart goes out to all of you! I have been a Pastor's wife for three years in a very small church. At times it is overwhelming with just the few people we have! I can't imagine what it would be like to work with hundreds of people but I know when and if the time comes, God will be there with us. I was saved on September 24, 1972 and I found out from the get go, that prayer works! People fail us, but God doesn't! He is always there for us no matter what. Nothing is too big or too small for Him! One day I had enough! I determined in my heart that I was going to have fun come Saturday or explode! I asked the Lord to have fun with me and here we went. I put a instrumental gospel tape in the tape deck of the car and took off. The Lord and I were the first customers at the salon. When the stylist called me over to her chair I noticed three scriptures on the wall - I had been there before and they weren't there - so I told her I liked them and the conversation started. Before I knew it we were talking and laughing and praising the Lord to the amazement of all the other women in the back of the shop who kept peeping out the door at us. The stylist had heard of a revival in Florida and the more she talked about it, the louder she got. She even stopped cutting my hair every so often and would wave her arms as she talked. It was great!! We had the BEST time! All because I asked the Lord to go with me and let me have some fun!

Hated by his family  8/2/2005  My husbands family is extremely controlling and opinionated. If they had their way, they'd run the church from behind the scenes. They deem themselves above correction and any rules/regulations the congregation follow don't apply to them (as far as they are concerned). They despise me and only tolerate me because I am the mother of their neices and nephews and their son's/brother's wife. The do not respect me as a First Lady or Minister of the Gospel. Any event where I am to speak they boycott. I really love them and want to be "in" the family, but I don't agree that they should conduct themselves under their own rules whereas all others (including me) follow the direction of the Pastor (my husband). I am sure the parishioner's sense the partiality as well. How do you handle this? Or do I keep doing and saying nothing?

Anita  8/2/2005  We may as well stop looking to man for appreciation. The times that we get will it be very rare. My husband has been pastoring for a year at this particular church in TN. About three months prior to our anniversary, the deacons came to him and asked him to put on programs for our anniversary because they didn't have the funds. The same deacons shot down three members that wanted to have a banquet for our appreciation program about six motnhs prior. What would be the point in us putting a program on for ourselves? We can appreciate ourselves all year long... that's us. It's nice to know that the people that we drive one hour one way every Wednesday and Sunday to minister to these "sheep". Then we turn and drive one hour back tired and emptied. This is a thankless job. We didn't put on any programs and we thanked them for all of their last minute efforts. I've taken on more jobs than I thought I would ever have. I force myself to travel there. They sit and wait on us for everything. It gets old sometimes. I see my husband struggling to do the best he can with what God has given and I get in there and dig right with him. I see him so hurt and I hurt because he is hurt. I am tired everytime he takes the stand and sits down because I am preaching just as hard as he is and praying that God will move on him and just use him. It's jsut hard to be so alone trying to build. We did not come from this area. Our grandparents and mothers didn't attend here. It seems as though they should try a little harder. We are outsiders and they were born and raised here. How can they look for us to do it all? Yes we get tired but tired enough to quit!!!

Micromanaged  8/4/2005  My husband is a pastor now. We've been doing it for 6 months. However, when he needs my help and I attempt to help him, it is either wrong, or I'm moving too slow, or it's not what he requested. Everyday I hear the same thing from him, how I have to be obedient to his authority. I feel like I cramp his style for lack of a better way of putting it. He talks down to me. When I finally can't take anymore of his remarks, I lash out by walking away or I start yelling at him to try to get him to back off, but it just makes matters worse. I'm tired. I'm tired of being humiliated in front of people, and he comes off looking squeeky clean. Behind closed doors, it is hell on wheels I tell you. I love the Lord with all of my heart and soul. Have been in the prayer closet and have cried my eyes out so much, I feel my heart becoming hard. I am at the point of not wanting to be around him. He has become phony to me. I love him but I don't like him. Please Please Please give me some advise on how to deal with this situation.

Judy - a clergy wife  8/7/2005  Do you have any articles on helping and supporting a pastor's wife and family when they have just discovered that their 16 yr old daughter is pregnant?

Dee  8/9/2005  My husband and I were called to start a chruch 5 years ago. We have been preparing for ministry for about 15 years before we stepped out when God called us. The first 31/2 years were not bad we grew to about 30. Then in the 4th year we had to do alot of correcting. most of them left. Then our building was destroyed in a storm and we had to relocate to a conference room at a local hotel. When we had to move so alot of the other people left. We sent everyone a letter in the church and asked them to stand with us during this time of transition but they didnt. Now after 5 years of being a Non- denominations church with no support from anyone we have about 10 people left and they are not leaders. I know all the scriptures like trust in the Lord or when God is with you who can be against you , the gates of hell will not prevail against you. We do not have anyone to speak to this about we have prayed and ask God to send us someone. We have served faithfully for many years at churches around the area and when we left to serve at another we would always leave in good standings. When the storm happen to us we never even heard from any of the Pastors we served under or the people in the congregations that we served. Not even a call to say were you guys alright. I know people are busy but this story was on our local news and in our newspaper. When we ran into someone that we knew they would say somthing like oh I see your building is not there anymore I heard all about it. My main prayer has been Lord help me not to become bitter when everyone around us rejects us. Help us to be like stephen Lord forgive them for they know not what they do. But I have not reached that I am still hurt by all that has happen. We are determined though because we both know that we are called to serve and we both know we have heard from the Lord. So no matter what we are standing in Faith. Even as I am writing this letter I am in tears so I know this hurt must be deep and it needs to be healed. Also my husband stepped out in faith 3 years ago to Pastor He left his secular job and God has been faithful to provide, but now the money is getting lower and lower. We are faith people and we have come this far by faith but We need a suddenly from the Lord. Does anyone have any advise while we are standing. I am ready for this season to pass.

Kate  8/9/2005  I am a PW and have felt the lonliness, emptiness, etc. One thing to remember is that Christ died to save SINNERS. People in churches are sinners, and so are we. We must remember that. One thing I have found is that once you confront the bullies, they back off. Sometimes they leave, sometimes they end up your friend. My husband is not always prepared to defend me, and that causes conflict for us. It really does seem that the PW is the one attacked. Reason: most Christians know that God will judge them for attacking the man of God, so it is convenient to attack him through the spouse/children. Hubby reminds me often: if you are not taking rounds, you are not in the battle. We are to count it all joy, but sometimes there is more joy than other times. I have found that journaling helps. Just remember to journal the joyful times, too. Then you can read through them when the not so joyful times come. In the parable of the 10 virgins, the ones with the oil did NOT give in to the ones not prepared. It is OK to confront sin. I just struggle with whose responsibility is it, mine or his (pastor)? Do not let the enemy rob you of your self confidence. It is a very high calling, remember, God chose YOU!!! Also remember, he loved you in spite of your sin, and the calling is to love them in spite of theirs. Hurting people hurt people. One thing this site did was show me I am NOT alone. Thank you my sisters.

Ms. Skeeta  8/16/2005  Hi! I am up at 3:00 am (pacific time) reading entries. This is my first time to this site and I am very impressed that there is an anonymous place for fellow Pastors' Wives to vent and gain support through similar experiences. The word of the Lord says that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimonies. I don't want to make this too long, however my husband (and I) were called to the ministry about 5 years ago. We were active, faithful members of another church, we started an evangelistic ministry (not seperating ourselves from our church), sharing salvation to the lost and guiding them to the church. After receiving confirmation to move on and meeting with our leaders about the commission, we now stand in the role of leaders of a world evangelism ministry. We have been pastoring the church for 3 1/2 years now in California, we started 2 churches in Ghana, West Africa, one in Liberia, West Africa and 5 youth ministries in Liberia, West Africa. We often see visible signs of miracles and have been fortunate to cross paths with very powerful, anointed and highly respected men & women of God. My husband is a man of integrity, favor of God, passion for ministry, social interactions with God's people, and a heavy prophetic gift (with anointing . . . "some have gifts and callings without repentence" - not here:) With ALL THIS being said, I am struggling! We have two small children-ages 4 and 3. We began ministry when they were infants. I work full time and my income supports our family. My husband is a full time pastor. I guess my struggle is the fact that I feel I am not a part of what is going on in ministry, however I complete 'the picture'. My husband has fiery ambition and slows down for no one. Right now, his vast connections have propelled us as far as him speaking on TBN. I see the ministry that God has placed us as shepherds over, growing by leaps & bounds and not slowing down. Our conversation at home is very minimal. Pastor is so involved with ministry that I am left out of the loop 99% of the time. There might be guest preachers coming to speak, upcoming events, major counseling interactions with various members etc., and I have not clue as to what is going on, until down the line. I am gifted with desktop publishing talent, so my involvement usually is knowledge of the event to create a quick flyer, brochures or letter.The greatest discussions that we have are usually . . . we need to talk, when can you make time for us to spend time together, etc. The conversations seem to bounce around the room and fall to the floor after I decide to finally drop it. I feel extremely lonely, required to be a full participant, required to successfully lead and develop women & their gifts, be a gracious host (oh, didn't mention that our home is a 'mission house' - we have preachers staying with us for days to weeks at a time, nearly month after month), be a housekeeper, be a full-time mother, and without ever having a best friend or even 'some one' to vent to, keep a smile on my face and lighten up. I am having a difficult time being an encourager of women when I myself stay discouraged. Just recently, after visiting my doctor about dizziness, chest pressure, excessive weight gain(70+lbs), stress headaches, high blood pressure, etc (at 30yr s. old) I was recommended to see a psychoterapist for clinical depression! NOT AN OPTION! I feel inadequate to have these feelings at times because besides ministry, my husband is an EXCEPTIONAL FATHER! He loves his children, will do anything for them, help get them prepared for daycare & school EVERY MORNING, and see about any need they might have. So why am I so ugh? I trust God to complete what He has begun, but my strength along the journey is being compromised. I have contemplated seperation (this also is NOT an option - just thinking out loud -real reason to:) to help him move on, so that I am not a hinderance. We have not had any form of womens meeting in over a year, because I cannot fake joy, strength and 100% dedication. I started a youth group over a year ago also (ages 14-19). They LOVED it, but with circumstances and personal issues, this has also ceased for the past 10 months now and I have watched the youth plummit. One recently had a baby at age 15! I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling . . . but this outlet feels secure and is a long time comin' God Bless You All!

Anjo  8/18/2005  Hope, our church is also going through a dry spell. It saddens me to think of all we could do here if we had all the members who drifted away. I know I sometimes get blue and forget His presence in our church. ( or rather HIS church!) Part of the ministry is taking on a little of the rejection Christ endured. Yes, it hurts when you mistake a church member for a friend, only to find they don't care about you. Yes, it is hard to forgive. Yes, it's hard to encourage stray members when you are more concerned about paying the bills. The most difficult thing is wondering why God's blessing doesn't seem to be on your ministry. I'll pray for you. I know God will make His plan known to you.

Lilli  8/23/2005  I, too, am a pastor's wife. I have been in ministry for 10 years(7 with my husband and 3 as a single). Nothing is more rewarding than working within your calling a sensing His presence at work in all that we do. Sometimes it gets really hard to see where you stand as God has appointed us to work in His vineyard as a servant in His house. Our role and divine design is seen through the scriptures and if we remain in His Word and screen all thoughts, frienships, trials, through the light of His Word you will sense a balance in your life. For me and my house, I will remain faithful to the Lord through my love and obedience to my Husband. But, it always helps to put reality before my Husband by telling him,"Just know every decision you make I am behind you, however, is it pleasing to God? Ultimately you will be held responsible for this ya babe!"

praying -4- you  8/23/2005  Hellow ladies, I just want to encouge you to continue to share your thoughts and prayers with each other. This is how we are going to win the battle. The wise warrior seeks help. We need to come together this way becase there are plenty of people in ministry that feel alone, beat up and abused. Surely this is not how our Lord wants it, but he did tell us it would happen. I know that even this site is a way that can help if we seek to be a comfort to each other. I firmly believe that you reap what you sow. I'm working on not focusing on the negative things or the mean and nasty people. Work on building yourself, loving yourself and giving love to those who want it and truely need it. The enemy is always trying to make us feel unlove and not of value, but remember God is the judge not people. I job is the same as anyone else that is to do his will. If they have problem with tell them to talk to God that his job to work on us. (smile). I get mad just like any body else when I'm mistreated but I am not going to stay there because he tells us to give him the burden and I glad a bout that. We got to believe he is going to handle it. I've seen him take care of some people! Like I said look for others to love on and pray for like on this site and let God deal with the nasty stuff. I know it's hard but you can do it, most people back off when you start being firm in who you are and your position with God! Not the church. That's only about the hear and now. Prayer is your keys to dealing with the right now. laugh out loud because you belong to The Most High God and he is waiting on you. My prayer for us all right now is Ephesians 3:16 THAT HE WOULD GRANT YOU, ACCORDINT TO THE RICHES OF HIS GLORY, TO BE STRENGTHENED WITH MIGHT BY HIS SPIRIT IN THE INNER MAN; God Bless all of stay strong! You are not alone and I'm praying for you.

a pastor's wife  8/24/2005  My husband and I have been married for 29 years. The first 23 years were every thing and more I had dreamed of. My husband was working as a biochemist and life was good. 6 years ago our church asked my husband to come on staff full time as an assistant pastor. I did not feel called to be a pastors wife even though I knew my mate would be a wonderful pastor . I knew the sacrifices that would be involved and did not want to give it all up. He felt very strongly that this was what the Lord was calling him to do so I went along knowing that our life would change drastically. But I was not prepared for the heartache to come. I often fell like my life has become a living nightmare. My husband is passionate about his calling and is always willing to lay down his life for his sheep. By the time he gets home, usually late at night , my once , romantic, fun loving, energetic guy is so exhausted, discouraged and completely spent that he's doing good to grab a quick bite before the snoring starts. I know he loves me but I feel like I'm at the bottom of the prioity list. In the past month I've lost my mother usexpectedly, sent my son off to Iraq, sent my youngest off to college,and am dealing with haywire harmones. This man who is considered "the most accessible and understanding" pastor on staff can't find time to be there for his wife in her most desperate hours. I know all the right things I should be consoling myself with. I know that all my expectations and trust need to be only in the Lord. But I can't help being brokenhearted for all that I've lost and longing for it all to be over. When I found this web site it broke my heart to read about all of you dear sisters (many with much greater struggles than mine), but to know that you all understand what I'm going thru (I thought I was all alone with no one I could talk to) has been a great blessing. Thankyou for being there. I'll keep you all in prayer, and know you'll do the same for me.

Holly  8/24/2005  This is a great website. I've recently married a pastor,moved, changed religions,and am trying to get used to this "lifestyle". I thought I had prepared myself enough before the marriage with all sorts of books and articles and they were helpful. I just kept thinking, it can't be as bad as what it's always made out to be. I love my new husband dearly but I am hating this lifestyle. The new community hasn't accepted me and the church members have put on a cold front with me and I can't help think, "If a new person comes in these doors, you wouldn't treat them this way, why do it to me?" My husband has been at this call for 8 months before we got married. I guess I'm looked at like the "bad guy" because a young single pastor is a gold mine and now I'm taking him away. I just can't believe how "needy" people are. I think back to my church and all of the PW's and I think that most of them had nervous breakdowns, drank, popped pills, or just had a dead look on their face most of the time. Is this the life of a PW? I need some advice or encouragement. I'm 26.

Madison  6/4/2006  I am in the same place as you! My husband became pastor at his church less than a year before we got married! I have only been a christian for 2 years! Jesus is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me! being a Pastors's wife has beed THE MOST DISSAPOINTMENT I HAVE HAD IN A LONG TIME! I am so depressed! I moved to FLORIDA and left my family and friends and it has been TOUGH! I didn't recieve a SMILE OR NICE WORD for the first three months at least! I feel as though I am being held HOSTAGE by all of the duties my husband and the church wants me to do! I AM SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD ! I have a music ministry that God has given me! I am trapped! Please Help! I WANT TO LEAVE TONIGHT! My husband and the people make me feel like I can't be a person with feelings, a life, career or anything else!

Tammy  8/24/2005  When I married my husband he was not yet called into the ministry. About about 3 yrs. into our marriage he felt the calling. Well I wanted no parts of being a Pastor's wife. So he set out to do it alone. He preached at churches while I stayed at our home church. Well it was okay for awhile and then he got frustrated and wanted to know if I was ever going to support him in his ministry. WQell I finally realized that I needed to and got to hear him preach for the first time last year "2004". Well he decided in the spring of "2005" he wanted to start a bible study at our home and let it lead into starting a church. Well I am not the one who takes to strangers easily and I don't like to go door to door visiting. So I did not make any effort to help him. You see also the church we were serving at I was in alot of prgrams and alot I was in charge of and I guess I wanted them and new there would not be any for awhile. So now I have caused hurt and pain in my marriage and with my husband. I want to try so bad to be the pastor's wife, but just can't figuire it out. But I know I don't want to cause my husband to miss out on what God has called him to do.

Jodi  Hello ladies.....I'm a pastor's wife who happened across this site a few years ago and could identify with many of the issues and problems faced by my sisters here. I was a new PW, and since we have an independent ministry I couldn't find any concrete tips on how to go about being a good PW. As a result, I had to count on the Lord to tell me what to do and how to do it. I also would remember the things my own PWs in the past had done that were (or weren't!) good examples of how to handle this position. It sure ain't easy being a PW and I remember times I could relate to those who say they'd just like to go back to being a normal church member and sit in the pew on Sunday, then go home to a chicken dinner and normal life! But, at the age of 45 the Lord called us into full time ministry and as an avid student of end time prophecy, I decided that if I was going to get something of signifcance done for the Lord, I'd better get on it and get on it soon! After all, this life is just a "drop in the bucket". We are here such a very short time when we consider eternity. Also, what helps me more than anything when folks are mean-spirited is to "consider the source". When I really think about it, I know about 12 people in our congregation who are "solid" practicing Christians in every area of their life....and what jewels they are! As for the rest, I'm not surprised anymore at some of the stunts they pull or the way they can act. But as long as I'm not counting on them being more mature in their walk with Christ than they are, I'm not disappointed or hurt by the things they may do or say. We do all we can, but in the end, it's up to them as to whether they stand or fall as they answer to their Maker. And, as far as worrying about whether the attendance seems to be going up or down...that's God's problem, not ours.....from the beginning we've had the belief that if this ministry is God's will, then it's God's bill as well. As many of you probably have, we managed ok before ministry and if push comes to shove, we'll manage just fine if the Lord should decide to move us out of ministry. No one starves to death in this day and age, and nobody can pinch a penny better than a PW! I keep in mind that my boss is Christ, He's the one I answer to and His opinion of my performance is the only one that matters in the end. As long as I'm doing as much (or as little) as He directs, there's peace and joy. But when I try to be as good as or better than someone else, there's stress and no joy. And, you know what? I've found out He's an easy taskmaster, indeed His burden is light. My relationship with Him is the barometer f my it's my highest priority. "Cheer up my sisters, walk in the sunshine. We'll understand it all, by and by."

olivia  8/29/2005  I am a pastor's wife of 48 years and have "been there and done that" time after time. God has just revealed to me that all the battles I fought over the years(and lost many)were because my husband is and was from seminary courtship mentally unstable. You know its said, when you are about to die all of your life flashes before you; well, that is what has happened in my spiritual journey. When according to counsel or advice I put "those things in the past and pressed on to the mark of the high calling of God". Today they came in as a flood and I see so clearly how I have been abused mentally and emotionally and had to carry the burden of covering for my husband's sins and failures. 2 weeks ago I had reached the end of the road and had made plans to go "talk it over" face to face with God. Knowing how my sons and grandchildren would be affected I left it in God's hands to do it His way. In the mean time I found this website and was shocked to see how many seasoned pastor's wives have been abused and the unseasoned one's not aware they are in that life-time situation. You won't hear this in seminary training. My husband always said I should write a book about my life experiences and my response always was; "No one would believe it!" Well, guess what, I am putting it all on paper and will share with others in the future. I see through the requests for prayer and support on the internet. THE REAL ISSUES MUST BE ADDRESSED- which is the core cause of all the abuse that being the man you married.

olivia  9/2/2005  I have not received a response from my past e-mails. Are you out there? I am near death can you help?

Sally  8/29/2005  I've been a pastor's wife for over 22 years and I can honestly say it's a living hell. You can't spit right or wrong. Led people to Christ, wonderful. Teach hungry hearts its a thrill. But people are mean, thankless and cruel. I wish God would be able to have His way in building His church. Beat up one too many times in one too many churches.

Sally  8/29/2005  Do you people read what is written on these pages!!!!!We are all beat up. The church is a mess. When I get to heaven I want a cloud all by myself with lots of chocolate.

LittleLamb  8/29/2005  I am praying for you! Man, We serve such a Gracious and Big God and I am feeling so blessed after reading your comments. Yes, ministry can be a lonely place. I found a really good friend about 15 years ago and we continue to keepin touch even after moving. I guess what I am saying is you only find one or two good friends throughout your life. To the pw who said she isn't a committed Christian...ask Jesus to make himself real to you. Pray and read the Word daily. I think you will be amazed. TO the other ladies...please remember to keep yourself spiritually healthy by not neglecting your time of personal worship. If you are a young mom I know that can be hard. Perhaps some praise music and a scripture here and there. God understands and will meet you where you are! I would love to pray for anyone needing it. BTW my dh is a bi-vocational pastor and we pastor a small church. We have been married 25 yrs and I am 42 if that matters... blessings on you day and night.

Glenda  9/9/2005  Hi Ladies, In need of prayers. We just moved to Wake Forest for my husband to attend Seminary. He is working on his Masters degree. He has Pastored 4 Churches. At the last Church that we were at had many issues. The main issue is that the Church is a supporter of CBF, which my husband does not support. The church was aware of this before hiring him. Nevertheless, he knew they supported CBF. But he came to the church under the condition that he would be able to inform the Church of this group. The pulpit committee agreed he could but wait about a year. He waited 3 years before bringing it up. CBF does not make a stand against abortion, gays and lesbians, they believe that you can intruped the Bible the way you want, and does not believe the Bible to be the inarent word of GOD. The deacons after 3 years of being their decided not for him to educate the church on this matter. So my husband went out on faith and left the church to attend seminary. Since leaving we found out (proof) that one of our deacons(a male) is on the web seeking a male. Since moving we came on faith that the Lord will provide for us. My husband made a stand to CHRIST. We've been here for a month, neither one of us has a job. We have been seeking but nothing yet. PLEASE PRAY FOR US THAT GOD WILL OPEN A DOOR FOR SOURCE OF INCOME. Though we are concerened of this, we have FAITH and believe that God is in control and provide.

LadyRedic  9/9/2005  I was wondering if any of the Pastor's Wives here live in the N.J. area? I would love to start a support group where we could meet and talk and be a blessing to one another. If anyone is interested, contact Rock Dove and they will forward to me. I so need the support of all the women saints who are dedicating their lives to serving the Lord and supporting their husbands in ministry.

Knitter  9/9/2005  My husband is preparing to enter a five year program and we are not young. I felt he was called four years ago but he has only recently felt the calling. I know that what all of you feel and have been through is very real but I don't believe its that much different from other occupations that are public. I have heart and thyroid problems but count everyday that I can put a smile on someone's face as a triumph. Satan is alive and well in the world today and working his magic on our world leader's, the faces we see on TV and movies, our teachers, professors, children and yes even our Pastor's and Wives. We have to fight it every moment and try to live literally in the moment. Have any of you written letters to your husbands explaining the way you feel? Men do not comprehend women's feelings. You have to take them by the hand like a child and lead them to show them you don't blame them for your feelings, but tell them what they can do to help you because gthey are fixer's and they need to feel they are fixing whatever is wrong. It works with my husband. I hope you try it. Just let go and let God. Pray!

LadyC  9/10/2005  It has taken me a while, but I have read every entry on every page of this support board. One thing I have come to know, when trouble and discourse starts amongst the soldiers (church members)the captains (pastors and their wives)must declare war. This is warfare ladies!!!! However, let us not be decieved. While our trials may be at the hand of the adversary our trying is of GOD!!! God needs to know that our armour has integrity. He needs to know that in the face of the most difficult battles we fight assured of victory because he ordered the fight. If we allow our armour to be dented in the small battles, like when the saints over look us, talk about us or lie on us, what then happens to our armour when we engage in those intense and long battles. Many of us can no longer fight because we have forgotten who we are and the power and authority that is our birthright and kingdom inheritance. We have become "Pastor's Wives" and no longer Children of God, named by Him,loved by Him and kept by Him. Every person ordered into battle by the Lord WON!!! Read the Word. They all WON!!! Know something else, when some thought the battle was about to begin God simply said, cry out... make some noise...let me hear you!!!! And the enemy was defeated, confused and ultimately fled or wound up killing themselves!!! Its all in the word!!! Please my sisters, be encouraged. Dont lose strength on the small stuff. Just rest in his promises, in his purpose for our lives and in his strength. And when you get discouraged dont forget cry out, make some noise and let him hear you...PRAY!!!!!!

Praying-4-you  9/30/2005  Hello ladies; It is so wonderful to see that you all are taking advantage of this forum. Lady C I agree with you. This is warefare and the devil doesn't care about foul play or cheating. We do have God on our side even when it doesn't feel like it sometimes. He is allowing us to grow by letting us work through the things we know how to handle. It's in his word. By praying and seeking godly council. God has given us all a job to do. When your a leader, he just wants us to know that he is using us as examples. Monkey see, Monkey do. The problem is so many people want to have a laissez-faire attitude. We can not have this do what ever you want, or don't do what you want attitude. We can't have it, and we as leader have to tell people that You can do as you will but you will answer someday. People can be so mean and unkind sometimes, this is true; but I also know people in ministry that should not be there either. They abuse and use the people of God, and hurt alot of good pure in heart people. Just remeber that each one of us can be used by God to do great and wonderous things. Even being good to a little child in the kingdom and bring things in the future. You all count. Those that feel like dying, the emeny knows your value it's him that is trying to get you to quit. Take time for yourself, ask God to show you how to love yourself, and by all means ask God to Open your eyes to the love that he has for you. It is so true that the battle is not yours it's the Lords. We just need to learn how to fight with precision. We know the word is our weapon and the power comes from God. We have to commune with him in prayer. We have to take on the right speach learn to be stubborn enough not to give up. Be determined in our heart and mind. Relentless in our persute to be holy because he is holy. Steadfast in his precepts. WE have to be with his help be unceasing,unremitting,consant in being peace makers, learning how to be loving to them that our not so easy to love. We have to be determined to abide in him knowing that he will see us through. We have to be unshakable, The only way to do that is by letting the holy spirit teach us, God is OMNISCIENCE nothing happens that he doesn't know how to handle. We just need the proper perspective. God Loves You and we must remember that because the devil is always trying to make us feel unloved. Keep writing, keep sharing and know that you are not alone. Love to you all my sisters in christ. I'm praying-4-you. smile!

RA  9/11/2005  Dear Sisters in Christ, Yes all the entries on this web site are very similar. We are all hurting. It seems than satan is attacking all of us. I have been in the battle too. We must not let satan win. God loves us much more than we know. He will help us and show us the way. He is big enough to handle each and every problem. Yes I too believe we all need a friend to share and pray with. We can't seem to find one who is trustworthy. You are special. If anyone needs an email buddy I will be happy to start a friendship. I am 49 and have been a pastors wife 15 years. My kids just like everyone elses kids make mistakes and need the Lord.

KLR  9/17/2005  I have been in the ministry with my husband for 16 years and can relate to much of what I have read on this site. One night I was up passionately praying for God to "get the garbage out" of my husband's life. I prayed with such intensity and suddenly I felt an earthquake, literally. We read about it the next day. In our 22 years of marriage I have learned to accept the truth about the man I married, truth I did not want to entertain, but being real about where things were at and remaining objective has been very helpful for me. Sometimes I have had to grieve my loss, when I have seen things that I cannot expect will change. Other times I have fought adammently to be understood, fighting for those things which we both cherish, love, respect, decency, unity. Being a wife is much more than living alongside a man. I find my role, besides ministering in practically every capacity in the church (which I must say is not the call of every pastor's wife), taking care of the family and the home, and in our case, running a business to keep financially afloat, my role is not so much to be supportive of my husband's ministry as to be supportive of him as a man. Build the man. Yes, confront him, hold him accountable, but learn how to do it so that it is effective. Tear down strongholds, through prayer and persistance. Identify them if you can or just come against the garbage. I have seen God get rid of the garbage, slowly, and change me in the process into a more loving, understanding woman. I've been in many of those places I've read about in these letters. Dear women, this is a very real battle in which the objective is to destroy everything God intended to be beautiful, and especially you. Your husband needs to be your advocate, meaning he needs to stand by you, and the truth is there is probably not going to be anyone but you to teach him how to do it. I was moved to tears at a pastors'conference by a pastor of a church of several thousand who was asked what he felt was the most significant thing he had done in his ministry in the past year. His response was that he had invested in his wife, helping her to get some training and encouraging her to rise to her potential. Once a man sees how great an advantage it is to his ministry to nurture his wife he will want to do it. We long so deeply for this kind of attention. Somehow we have to break through all that garbage and find that heart of gold. Take a bit more credit for yourself and the power of your influence. You may have to try a lot of keys, but have faith that you can find the right one to unlock the heart of that man in your life called the pastor. Believe me you need to be on the same team in this fight.

denise  9/21/2005  Greetings in the name of Jesus the Christ! I previously had an email on this page from April 05 and many things have changed since then. My husband has been a minister for our entire marriage but he's been pastoring only for 2 years now. There's so much that I would like to say but there's not enough space on this web page. I can say that I know how it feels to not only be lonely but alone while living in the same home with your husband. I know how it feels to be totally isolated from the ministry by your husband as well as the church members. I physically left my husband in February of this year and we just decided to get back together and "get married again," to start our relationship a new about 2 weeks ago. One thing that you have to realize ladies (and men for the pastor's husband) is that God will use any situation to bring you to your knees to live for him. During my 6 years of marriage (before I left), my husband and I had NEVER prayed or studied the word together. Do you think that God was pleased with that? No he wasn't. God got tired of me and my husband "playing church." Now I said that God will do whatever it takes to get our attention for us to do what he wants and my husband and I decided to get back together on a Wednesday and just 3 days before that, he had an affair with another woman (a minister at that.... I do have a point in all of this madness). It took my husband having an affair, me calling all night long and him not answering the cell phone or going home, to realize that I want my husband because he's mine and most important that's where God wants me to be. Now I have always felt that I was doing everything that I could to save the marriage but when I was doing all those things I was trying to be with someone who didn't want the marriage. When this recent situation happened, I prayed, prayed, and prayed like never before. People talk about crying out to the Lord, I did. I promised that I would pray daily, not just when things were bad and that I would begin to study his word on my own and not wait for my husband. Now the kicker of the whole situation was that after that event, yes my husband attempted to lie about it but God had told him to tell the truth and when he didn't, God told the truth for him. How you ask? For one, I have the gift of discernment and remember I had been praying so much so I was in tune with God so when he would lie I would say nope that's not true, don't sound right, he's lying then two, God started dropping the truth I mean physical material things in my lap to confront him with that backed up the discernment ...i.e. the hotel room key (yes, still in his house coat that he normally never even wears ok)! To wrap this story up for you all, he slept with this woman and after it all came out in the wash, he said that it wasn't until he was with her that he realized he hadn't did what he should have done to keep our marriage together or to make it work and that he loved his wife and wanted to be with me. Now for 6 years, I had been trying to make it work (key word I said I), for 6 years and I just felt used and mentally abused. What I would like to say to the hurt ladies is that God is not a God of confusion. It is not in his will for us to be abused. God will sometimes allow us to go through situations to bring us closer to him and then temporarily remove us from that same bad situation so that he can turn that bad situation into our blessing. Many times I said I wanted to divorce my husband but in the midst of my pain, God wouldn't let me even when my family and best friend said I should, God wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me file child support papers on my husband. He made a way for me to take care of myself and two kids with health problems. Even though our husbands are ministers and pastors (and they should know better) we can't make them be that biblical man that God wants them to be. There's nothing that we can physically do to make our husbands love us, be with us, take care of us but there is ONE SPIRITUAL thing that we can do and that is PRAY FOR HIM and then PRAY FOR OURSELVES. Turn it over to God and I always heard people say that but until you actually have to go through something and do it for yourself, you won't know the magnitude of it. I'll say this, you are not a real pastor's wife until you've thrown up your hands on something or another when it comes to your husband and just down right said I'm done with the situation (or even him) and turned it totally over to God. You see God will fix it you just have to be willing to allow him to do it. God has started his "fixing" process on my husband. We can be married now because HE has confessed his non and wrong doings and he wants to be married now. One thing about my husband and that is he's not like most where he will fake it for a few days then be back to normal. He has never faked trying one time in 6 years. He's just not done it. He would just say yeah I need to change and keep on doing what he was doing. This time, God is in it. I can see and feel the difference. I told him that we HAVE to pray together every day and we do. Yes it's only been two weeks but I don't need the time of a year to go by to know that God is in it for once in 6 years because I know how if feels when God's not in it. The piece that I finally got through to me was that your husband has to want it. You have to be one and on one accord and you can't get him there. It may hurt and you just may have to move on and don't let people fool you into thinking that God will turn his back on you if you leave because that's a LIE. I have two young girls and they don't need to see mommy and daddy verbally fighting (and verbal only goes on for so long then physical will start) because they will grow up and end up in an abusive relationship. One thing that I told my husband was that I know God is a forgiving God (now this next part was for the sake of conversation only) but if by some chance he wasn't forgiving, I would have to take that risk of going to hell to save my girls and if that meant that I had to be without my husband, then so long......but he's an ON TIME GOD! I am reading a book titled "Teach me how to love you" by Thomas Weeks (Juanita Bynum's husband) and I encourage you all to go get a copy. He says "Remember, whatever you've been struggling with can become the thing that actually gets you through to Jesus for healing. The situation that handicapped you can turn into a blessing when you bring it to Him." The devil wanted the affair that my husband had to be a handicap for me but I said that I was willing to forgive him and put it behind me but once I took it to God, he turned it into a blessing for me because through being without me for 6 months it wasn't until that point when my husband finally said to himself and me after 6 years of marriage that he wasn't ready before and NOW HE WILLING, READY AND WANTS TO BE MARRIED! I hope that someone is encouraged by my testimony. Let's keep praying that these pastors, our husbands, will continue to get a "Spiritual Makeover"!Feel free to email me. Be blessed my sisters!

csw  9/27/2005  My husband has been a pastor for over 27 years. Our churches have always been very small...under 50. We've been at our current church for over 10 years. It's so boring. All we do is sing the same songs over and over. I'm the pianist and have tried to change songs but it always goes back to the same old songs. My husband is also working 2 other jobs. We have purchased rental property so we'll have some equity over time (we are currently living in a parsonage). My question is my husband is too busy to do enough to make the church grow. He likes complete control. So I just stay out of things, other that greet the people, give them rides to church. call when they are sick, teach 2 children in Sunday School.....just a pretty face. My daughter does the childrens church for the 2 children. My husband is not willing to quit the other jobs, however, I feel it is robbing the church from where it could go. I've never even been asked to pray for any reason during services although I do it over the phone or on visiation when needed one on one.. He preaches bible stories. Just takes a passage and goes through it verse by verse. I get that. I've heard it forever. I know I'm complaining a lot but I don't know what to do. He is not open to anything suggestions from me. I'm very frustrated but know that the Lord still has something for us there. I hate being so negative. I've tried saying so many encouraging words to him so that when he does preach a good sermon or helps people I let me know. However, he never communicates me unless it's about our rental property I have already have a speech problem that makes it very difficult to speak. He won't read anything I write. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I'm so ready for God to do something incredible in my husband and I, however, I'm loosing hope, I've been going to Women of Faith, some worship seminars, I'm going to a Beth Moore Simalcast in October and a Thrive/Injoy Womens Event in November. I feel my self growing each day, but I also fell like we can do better with our church, however, I'm in my own prison cell and don't know how to make him realize tha I have a lot to offer. Thanks for listening. CSW

Randi Jo  9/27/2005  Like some before me, I'm wondering if anyone is still reading this page. If you are, I'd just like to mention that I've bookmarked it and will be checking around a bit. I may be "green" (only a PW for 5 years) but in those 5 years, we've been to..well, you know... and back! We're in a wonderful place now, and I think our main "wilderness experience" has dropped us in the promised land at last! I am looking desperately for a cassette to an older children's musical called "The Best Story Ever" written in 1992 by Randall Dennis, published by Benson Music. They, nor any of the "usual" book/music outlets have copies left and it's P.O.P. My SS students would love to hear what it sounds like, but I can't find my copy of the tape after all these years and numerous moves. Anybody have a copy they can send my way? E-mail me and I'll get you my address info.!!

sis1stlady  9/28/2005  Just found this website in search of a ministers wives support group. This is great. I feel as though some of the entries that I have read are my own story. We are more alike than I thought. This is great therapy for the soul. A place to relax, relate and release. God bless all of you for you candid openness to these waiting Women of God.

sj  10/1/2005  Hello there. My husband and I have been in our current church for 3 years. We have an awesome worship team and we love them dearly. However, our senior leader has been asked by our elders and us pastors to begin intensive counseling. It isn't anything moral, but some MAJOR issues have come up and have to be dealt with. My husband has been the "whipping boy" the last year or so and it is really hard to watch him go through this. FOr some reason our pastor seems to take everything out on my husband. I have been what I didn't want to become - bitter and cynical. We have decided to move because of some personal family reasons as well as this issue in our church. We do not feel that we can remain and be treated like this. It is so intense that my once very passionate husband has become very unhappy. Of course, no one else hears this except me and at church, we worship and lead our team to the best of our ability. We are controled and manipulated alot and so it is difficult to lead our team in that enviroment. People are starting to ask questions and we don't really know what to say. It is a weird situation. Now, we have sold our house but we have no job yet to go to. I am super lonely because there is no one to talk with about this at our church other than my husband. But, I have to know that this is all happening for a reason. God has to be in control.

Knitter  10/1/2005  Its seems like everyone is singing the same hymn and no one likes it but there are no song writers out there to change it. My husband too, is a controller but I have kind of sat him down and told him that we entered in to the ministry together and he needed to share with me. He is much better about it now but I know it will crop up over and over again. Right now I am wrapped up in needlecraft work for Christmas for 10 grandchildren and 6 children and 3 husband/wives of said kids, plus assorted relatives which is driving me crazy but keeps me so occupied I don't have time to be upset over anything. I am literally surrounded by yarn and needles, wall to wall. Also my computer is working overtime because the church secr only works 1/2 day or less a week and so I do the bulletins and proof my husbands sermons. I had a son, daughter in law and two grand-daughters in Beaumont, Tx also that are displaced and we are more or less floating them so bills are piling up but you know its still a beautiful day, the Lord's still winning as far as I'm concerned and I'm going to keep on fighting the good fight.

No Sunshine in Florida  10/2/2005  I need help, my husband is a pastor, who is totally dedicated to God, the church and others. He prayes 7/days a week from 6:a.m. until 10:00 a.m., but on Sundays, from 6:00 until 8:30 a.m. and then off to church. tuesday nights, bible study, thru the week counselling appointments, and Friday are our end of the week worship services. Sunday school 9:30 a.m. Morning worship 11:00 and evening worship at 6:00. He has a radio ministry every sunday (live) at 3:00 p.m. He constantly are taking on engagement throughout the week, and there is NO Time for me. He can talk to everyone but for me. I feel I am just his maid, to wash his clothes, clean his house, and just to tell the congregation I am his wife. I am tired! He insists that I accompany him for every service. I work full time, plus work at home im between service. I'm at my last straw, when I kneel to pray, I don't know what to say any more, Please help!


Stressed  10/25/2005  Sister, I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I think that there is a problem here. No single women at any church should even feel comfortable asking the pastor to "CUT GRASS, GO TO SCHOOL AND SEE ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN, BABY SIT ETC". I understand that we as Pastors and Pastor's Wives are to help the flock but the flock needs to have some common sense! Your job is to lead them to Christ not cut their yards The pastor ( your husband) has to draw the line somewhere. This is a very delicate job the pastor has. It is hard to gain respect and so easily lost. It is also very easy to get a name and get accused of being involved with any or all of these women and believe me if he is doing all of these things the rumors will start (if they haven't already). 1 Thess 5:22 says that we should abstain from the very appearance of evil. We are going to be accused of things anyway but we don't need to give the accusers any help. Whenever my husband takes in a new member for the Lord, he gives them my cell number and his. He makes it very clear where he stands. There comes a time that members both male and female will need to talk with the pastor but unless it is an emergency after hours is out! If there is a problem with a female, he will call me in or will have a witness there. Not because I have any reason to doubt him (in 2 years, I have not seen a thing questionable) but simply abstaining from the very appearance of evil. If your husband is obliging these women, you need to talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel. If he doesn't understand how you would feel the way that you do, explain what the ramifications could be on the ministry. Tell him what it makes you think. If you think it someone else does too. If these women are really in need, I know that some states have childcare assistance. In TN, it's called Southwest human Resources. He could make an announcement during announcement time without calling their names. Maybe there will be some mothers of the church willing to baby sit. Used lawn mowers are sold pretty them find one to buy and cut the yard themselves. If they are up to no good this will slow them down or even stop them. As far as going to a child's school, I think sometimes that may be beneficial for the child to see a person that he respects checking up on him or her at school if they have a history of misbehaving. The father may not be around. That would need to be recorded in some way and addressed with the deacons of the church just to touch every base and to keep his reputation clean. I hope that this helps...I'm praying for you.

Praying-4-you  10/4/2005  Hello Ladies; While it is true that this walk can be very hard. We have to remember what God told us to do. He did warn us about all the things that we deal with. 2Cor.4:8-11 We are troubled on eveyside yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but NOT FORSAKEN; cast down but,NOT DESTROYED; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus , that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. NOW vs. 16 FOR THIS CAUSE WE FAINT NOT; BUT THOUGH OUR OUTWARD MAN PERISH, YET THE INWARD MAN IS RENEWED DAY BY DAY. HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ,GLORY BE TO GOD. I don't know about you but I need that word after dealing with some people in church! including other leaders and I use the tern loosely with some peole because they lead but sometimes it's in mess. Don't cry to loud. (smile). What I would like us all to do is when you are getting ready for church, before you go say a prayer for yourself, and all the other ministers's wives around the world. WE have to remember that others are going through some of the same things we are, if not worse. Be encouraged, I am praying for myself and you. Love and strength and peace to you all. Love, praying-4-you

4Jesus  10/22/2005  To Praying-4-you and all other pastor's wives...I've just found this website. What a blessing when I needed it. Thank you for praying for pastor's wives. I think this is a great idea. We should all start our mornings praying for each other. I have been reading from this site for the past hour and it is evident that we need to talk to each other. It is so hard to know who to talk to besides God. I found this site because I am so lonely and seeking support from others who understand. I find so much comfort in Jesus. I read my Bible, but it helps to read that other women are going through the same things I am. Those with years of experience can help others. Thank you for your scripture Praying-4-you! We all need to keep our eyes on Jesus and the Word of God. He loves us each and every one. He will give us what we need.

jan  10/5/2005  Help! I have run out of ideas I am a pastor's wife and next month I have the wmu program. We have a small group but I would like for this meeting to be different not the same thing. Can anyone help and give an exciting idea. We have the Mission Mosaic but seems like I just can't get a program together. It only has to be 5 min. or so long. I just feel awful. It seems like a pastor wife should come up with one right the top of her head. Please help. I only have 3 weeks. I have prayed and prayed but nothing is coming.

Dana  10/8/2005  How about a "tea party" theme? Use decorative tea cups and tea pots, pretty napkins and table cloths. Have your group sitting around the table(s). Discuss how having tea time with a good friend can be a ministry of encouragment. Read scriptures about encouraging one another in ministry. Have cards pre-addressed at the table(s). Ask for prayer for ministry partners then take time to write personal notes of encouragement to ministry partners, as well as others within the church who might need a little lift. Pass the cookies, enjoy tea and time together. Voila!

Lydia  10/27/2005  You wanted new ideas..and Dana wrote and suggested a tea party. Well...I have to share alittle because when God got my attention and answered alot of my fears it was at a TEA Party and the theme was ...Fill My Cup Lord. You'll find it in the Heavenly Hwy if you are a baptist. I will never forget that theme! Hope this helps!

Jean  10/7/2005  I am having a real hard time with the change we have recently made. We moved from being lay people at a large congregation(1200) to being student ministry pastors at a church of about 150 on a good day. The people are not real friendly although the senior pastors are great! We also moved to a new house that is closer to the SMALL church after living in our other home for 15 + years. My teens are having a hard time adjusting and making new friends. My husband doesnt' seem to have much of a problem but he is stressed and I can't dump on him. This is not easy, Am I the only one in this boat?

Trying not to feel sorry for myself! Not really succeeding!  10/8/2005  Hi. We're both in our late 30's and have 3 lovely children aged 15, 10 and 9. We've been pastoring for 10 years now, although have been in church leadership for over 20 years. I guess i just want to ask does any one struggle sometimes with maintaining their walk with the Lord. I feel such a weight of responsibility. Bringing up our children, working full time (as does my husband, both in secular jobs aswell as leading the fellowship we belong to). I'm the pastor's wife, run the churches children's work, am the music leader, a house group leader and support ( although not very well) the youth leader (he took over from me about 2 years ago, when I started full time work. I am struggling to maintain a regular time with the Lord. I am a somewhat disciplined person, I must be to do all the stuff I'm doing but I feel out of my depth. The church has so many needs, pastorally and we are both so exhausted and lacking in confidence (a few knocks over the years!). I thought me taking a job (which I believe God provided) would help the church eventually to pay my husband but that looks like it may be a while off. I don't know wether I am suppose to carry on with the children's work because there are so many other needs. I don't know if there is any one to take over it and I am paralysed with fear because I feel that I let the Lord down so much because I don't maintain that regular time alone. I am not wanting anyone to tell me what to do specifically (i know I need to change my behaviour and get on my knees every day) but could someone just tell me I am not a complete failure that maybe there are others who struggle and have come through, have found God's gracious help through it all. Please forgive me if I sound self pitying I am struggling to not allow my feelings to overcome me but be strong in faith and trust that God is greater and more gracious that I could ever know.


SHIRLEY  10/13/2005  My husband and I know we have been called into ministry. We are both licensed and are looking for our "first" pastorate. Would like a small or rural non-denom. church. How do we go about finding the pastoral openings for us to pursue? We are in our 50's and children are out of the home. We are working in our home church in children's church and other help ministry areas. Thanks for this chat area. I just came upon it and since we are new to this ministry area, these problems are of interest in what we may encounter. Thanks for any help.

Tlayde  10/13/2005  Praise The Lord! I have a questions.I do not know what this thing is in the country where Iam from but Pastor's wife has to dress a certain way.So I am looking for reasonable place to shop that I may fit in with the other wives.There is another siser that has the same problem,it reallydoes not bother me,but I do like to look good. I know that God does not look at the outward appearance,but the heart.So if you could just make some suggestion to us we would so ever be very grateful. May God Bless You!

tanya  11/1/2005  Hello! As a pastor's wife I like to dress nice too. Biblically we should dress feminine and modestly-you can do this and still look in style. Money has always been tight for us. Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who wants me to feel good about myself especially when we are asked out for supper with friends or church picnics ect..My wardrobe needed updated badly.We came across a store together at the mall called Christopher and Banks. They had a great selection of casual clothing. I found so many nice things on the sales racks. The sales lady told me they always have sales and they really do! My husband told me every week or so when he gets paid to go in and see what I can find on sale so that I have some things to choose from in my closet. I always had trouble finding skirts I like. I got 2 skirts there for $4.99 and one for $2.98! I went to the reuzit shops in my area and found some really nice sweaters and tops to go with my skirts. Now when we are out I feel more confident and before we leave the house my husband isn't saying "Don't you have anything nicer to wear?" (:

ADC  10/13/2005  I thank God that I don't have many of the situations that you (my sisters) have in your ministries. Although I don't, my heart still bleeds for you all. I do have an issue that most of you can relate to ... money or the lack of it. My husband pastors one hour drive from where we live. We make a two hour drive every Sunday and Wednesday and gas is eating us alive. We both have full time jobs and he gets a small salary from the church and we have maintained very well until now. I recently had to have surgery and was off work for almost two months without pay. My pay equals half of our total monthly income - church salary and his job included. We took a tremendous hit. Church people are some of the stingiest people I have ever seen. They will take up money for everyone but the pastor as long as it fits their cause of benefits them. This is our second year here and they didn't even work up a pastor's and wife appreciation program this year. They asked us to do it ourselves. We have missed a few bible study hours because of my surgery and time off .we just didn't have the funds to get there. My husband never missed a Sunday through my illness and I only missed two. If we had to borrow the money, we get there on Sunday. Where do they get the pastor and family doesn't need help sometimes? We are human too. The same things that are prone to happening to them happens to us as well. I feel like they really don't care. But they want the pastor to pray for them, visit them at the hospital, be at every meeting and be the token outstanding preacher and teacher when we have other programs and events. They want pastor's wife to sit there and look pretty and sing so they can show off when there are visitors and pick up whatever else needs to be done. It all drains the joy out of serving the Lord. The thing is that my husband wants to pastor full time - that is to say quit his job and just pastor... with people like these, I can't see that happening! I would love for him to have the desires of his heart but God put our family in our care. I know that if God wants him to pastor full time, He will make a way. I am just so afraid of the day coming when we are living from my husband's salary from church and they decide to vote him out of being pastor for whatever reason (you know it doesn't take much and it doesn't have to be true whatever the reason)...then what? I think that I will always have some type of income just in case or we will save big time just in case. I have witnessed so much and heard so much that it's just hard to trust church people. I also have my own singing ministry that I would like to birth and give my full attention to. It takes money for all things. I pray that God will open doors for us. I have no doubt that God will bring us out of this. We are just in our storm right now and when we are in our storm, we can't see much else. Thanks for the outlet. God's Blessing to you All.

Lydia  10/17/2005  I'm looking for answers to a different kind of husband and I have been in the ministry full time for about 14 years now. When God got hold of our lives we came in to the church ready to serve ( well more my husband than myself at first). My husband started out volunteering to work with kids then he taught Sunday School and was a Deacon. At age 49 he felt the call to preach and began to deal with that decision slowly and carefully. In the past 2 years he has been very active as a supply pastor. He was licensed by the church 4 years ago but has never been to seminary. He is 53 years old and studies very hard. Meanwhile he lost his job in the town we lived in and due to a change in company direction and we had to move from a place we'd been for about 18 years and to a new town a few hundred miles away where no one knew us. We couldn't help but wonder if we were going to be unable to go on in the ministry.. because, afterall, no one knew us. But of course God knew us and it wasn't 6 months before we were very involved in pulpit supply or my music ministry testimony or both. He takes the position in the pulpit very seriously and does not just spout out what he thinks but what he has studied and scripture proves. I can't say whether he is SUCCESSFUL in the world's eyes or not but he has been well excepted in our new town filling the pulpit several times in various churches until he was invited to one church.. where has remained for a full year. This is a small church made up of mostly family members and they were looking for a new pastor. My husband told them in the beginning, that he was not ready to take a church but would love to fill the pulpit as often as necessary. Since that first few months he has felt he would like to be called permanently ( They do know that ) but that has not been offered ...maybe because his new secular job is not really steady yet and could cause us to move again or they may have other reasons. God has added a FEW MEMBERS.. all Christians. I BELIEVE this is a place of growth for him.. a time to learn and prepare. The members are very loving and completely aware of his education level and even his testimony. ( my husband is a man that has been delivered over 16 years ago.. before we were involved as leaders in the church ..from alcohol.. drugs..gambling..and finally tobacco). I have been a bit discoraged that the church has not at least made him their interim pastor after they asked him to keep coming every week to fill the pulpit but since my husband does work a full time job and preaches two sermons a week ..I believe it's first to keep his duties limited and second financial. The situation seems to be working for them and they might feel a duty to pay more if the changed it. Although, sometimes pride wise, a bit hard with no regonition for my husband as a pastor in the world's eyes that's not important and getting to preach the word is! Now that you have some background... WHY do so many men try to discorage my husband from preaching...I mean he is a mighty witness to the world of God's mighty grace and promises come true. His testimony proves God reigns in his life and his dedication to study and preach without recognition while supporting his family proves him even more as a dedicated man to God. But when he tries to get advice on going to seminary or a good bible college take accredited online courses.. they say his age.. that he is wasting his time that he is too old to enter the ministry. Is it so.. that only the young can be called by God to preach the word? Were the men before seminary and bible colleges studing at the kitchen table with merely God's word in hand not capable of hearing from God. Is God really that limited? It is sometimes hard for me to support my husband's need to preach when I have knowledge of the negatives he faces. I love my husband and tend to defend him too much I suppose. I've seen God deliver him over the past 27 years from alcohol..drugs..gambling..and finally tobacco. Most men never get delivered completely of one of those habits... much less all four! He has such a strong faith I don't doubt his sincerity but because I'm still growing.. I falter from time to time in the faith walk ...when it comes to trusting God's plans. CAN ANYONE RELATE TO THESE QUESTIONS...HELP PLEASE !

worried wife  10/20/2005  I am new at being a PW. My husband was appointed a year ago. I just do not know what to do or where to start as a PW. I feel that I am not worthy enough to be in this position. I can not sing, play the piano, teach or peach the word. It is so hard for me to be out going and talkative to people at our church. I feel so sad all the time. I am affraid to get close or to talk to anyone for fear of being hurt. ( I had an awful experiance in another church years ago and I guess I have not healed from that) There are other women in the church that can do all the things that I can not do. I just sit there not able to do anything. They are friendly to me but then I wonder what they are up to. We have one lady who is single and she does alot in the church for my husband. Almost like an assiant pastor. I feel that she is wanting more but he can not see that. When I bring it up he says that I am just being stupid and I need to get over it and pray about it cause it is my problem. He doesn't want me bringing bad things to the church. I would never do it. I love my husband dearly and love that the Lord has chosen him to pastor our church. But I just don't know how to deal with the feelings that I am having concerning my role as a PW and this lady in our church. I honestly don't know if she knows the way she is coming across. Like my husband says this may be my problem and I need to get over it. I really need some wisdom on all of this. Please help and give me some advise

Iloveyou  10/20/2005  You pastor wives are the some of the most beautiful women I know, rest beautiful ones when it is your time to, your strenght and dedication is nice to behold. I love you

T  10/22/2005  I have a couple of issues , I need to know how to be an effective pw, I am not one as of yet but it is coming up quickly we have only been married for 6 months and we have already had many problems with the enemy trying to attack our marriage. I need tips on learning how to take my place as a wife and as a pw and be balanced without feeling that my life is falling apart. I am just so lonely he is more focused on ministry than family and I am the other way around. someone help.

lynn  10/23/2005  It feels a bit strange to actually write about what I am experiencing right now. I am so used to keeping my mouth shut and never saying anything that it seems like it is wrong to vent. I have been married to a youth minister for 10 years. I love my husband but I am so filled with hurt and pain, my heart is becoming hard. It is very hard for me to deal with the flirations of female youth. Just this morning, a female youth sent my husband an online "HUG". My husband tells me I overreact and I am reading into things too much. My husband is very interested in praying with students to fix their relationships with each other but he rarely initiates praying about our relationship with me. We went through a tremendously painful time after our twins were born when he had an emotional affair with someone. He still believes he didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't realize that when someone is hurting, something wrong has happened. That he needs to do whatever he can, to remedy the hurt. I don't know how to handle the flirtations of ministry. I don't know how to protect my husband from himself and his cluelessness. I don't know how to keep being the scapegoat. I am the substitute. The substitute for when nothing else goes right. I'm nice to have around. I'm an ornament. An object. A warm body without a soul. Can anyone relate to this? I have contemplated suicide even though I know it is wrong and it wouldn't help. I have contemplated leaving for awhile to see if that might get the point across, but I don't have a job. I feel helpless and hopeless. Like a whisp of air being sucked into space and no one would ever notice.

Hold On  10/30/2005  I feel your pain. I went through this for several years with my husband. Women would flirt with him and he was oblivious to their attempts. However, after I mentioned it to him he would play it if I was overreacting. I don't believe he actually ever had sex or became intimate with anyone, but I know he had numerous phone conversations, email correspondence,etc. I loved him, however, the last time this happened (in December 2004) I told him I would no longer support him in the ministry and I would leave him. I also confided in a elder in our congregation who talked with him. He sought counseling and things have been well. I too contemplated suicide, I began soft drinking again (cocktails, wine) and abandoned participating in anything spiritual. I was so depressed. You can't change them. They must want to change and see taht they are are dishonoring their marriage and God. And any man who does not honor his home, wife, and children have absolutely no place in the pulpit or ministry. For your sake, seek professional chrisitian counseling, stay on your knees and seek a supportive family member or friend. God has not called you too turmoil, but peace. I work and can support myself, I understand your dilemna, however, if you have relatives, your parents or someone that you can stay with temporarily it would be helpful to you. If he wants to continue his lifestyle, then it is obvious that he has been turned over to Satan. God will allow that when a perosn continously chooses to live in a sinful state and enjoy it. If he sees no reason to change then he has a problem. A REALLY BIG ONE. And the problem isn't's him. Don't ever take responsibility for what he does or doesn't do. And don't like him do it to you. If your kids are older, get training as a LPN, or a paralegal. Something that only requires a certificate.. not a degree. They both pay well. Or, you can substitute teach. Only a High School education is required in most states. But, you must begin positioning yourself to not be dependent on him. Depend on God and through this mess... keep your trust in Him. God knows what is going on. I don't know why he allows us to go through such trials. I know they are to make us stronger, but sometimes strength is the last thing I obtain. I've been married 15 years. It's been a journey, but, Job's latter end was better than the beginning. God will guide you.

georgiapw  10/31/2005  My husband and I have been married for 13 years and in the ministry for 7 years. My husband was a the youth minister for 3 years and is now a pastor of our first church. When I read your posting. I was deeply sadden. Most young girls that I know between the ages of 12 to 15 are alittle overly affectionate. Are you very invovled in the ministry of these young ladies. If not, you should get more invovled. As for your husband or any minister he should not be alone to talk over any personal problems they have. You should always try to be there. Anything they can say to him, they can say to the both of you. Don't just be his ornament. Next time there's a problem. Just simply say I think I'd like to come and help too. In reponse to your feeling of loneliness, I can relate as it seems all the other pw can to. I don't have any better advice than to pray for the Lord to help you shine with his love to reach out to others. I'm sure you know the scripture Hebrews 13:5-6. The Lord will never leave nor forsake us. He is our help and strength. There is noone not even me who understands your heart like him. He can change things. If you pray for his strength and guidence. In none of our lives will he make things better until we PRAY and study is word. Lynn, I'm sorry things are so difficult. I wish I could help you more and be there for you. You are so much more than a warm body and if you were whisped away you would be missed terribly.

Invisible Woman  11/1/2005  I read Lynn's response and it makes me so sad. I think the last line is so beautifully written about something so real and painful. My husband is the only pastor at our church so he deals with youth in confirmation. I know exactly what you are talking about with the female youth being big flirts. I'm sure we've all noticed how advanced the youth are these days and it is hard for me to see these 16 and 17 year old girls flaunt their sexuality so much in church and around him. They go to classes with no bras and skirts so short. I'm not sure ministers have ever had to deal with this before. I don't know what the answer is but I am careful with making sure he is never alone in the church with them and I am always "around". Which, I know, makes the wives out to be these over-acting, psycho, and controlling women. Our role is a double edge sword and it seems like we can never win. I'm not sure if our husbands are "clueless" or they secretly like getting the attention. Let's face it. Most people that go into minisitry has the need to feel wanted by large masses of people and likes the "spotlight" As far as your state of marriage, Lynn, I would say get yourselves to an outside counselor. I know this is a hard suggestion because most ministers won't do it as they think it's a slap in the face to their abilities. I would find one that is secular because I believe that they have more common sense about this church lifestyle than the people that are living it. Also, getting this stuff in the open and talking about it, makes it real. It's a real issue to deal with and not one that you've made up. It gives you power to openly name it for what it is and not hide it. Talk to your family. I vent to my sisters all the time. My husband does not like it but it is my mental health outlet. Get someone and let it all out. Then it is not a shameful secret anymore. This will cause your husband to deal with it and not make you feel like you're crazy. Get yourself to a counselor even without him. Killing yourself is not the answer. You have children to live for. Try to get help, try to fix it, but in the end ----- you and your children are the most important. Get a network of family and friend support and leave the situation if you have to. No man, no religion, no guilt, and no loss of self respect is ever worth this. I am praying for you :)

Ruth  11/2/2005  I feel for you! I have been a pastor's wife for 16 years. I have experienced many of the feelings you are going through. My husband was once a youth pastor, but is now a senior pastor. I have dealt with the loneliness and desperation at times also. My husband is a workaholic and often neglects our family. He too has had an emotional affair. We have gone through counseling which helped us. If your husband won't go, please go by yourself to see a therapist or counselor, it will help you! Keep praying, trust in God. I know it's hard. I'll be praying for you.

Ready to go  10/24/2005  I have noticed that a lot of the entries are asking for advice or simply venting. That tells me that more of us are hurting and being hurt. I am a PW for two years now and I love it. My husband and I have gone through many hurtful things and we are still going through. One must be deeply rooted in Christ to keep going back for more abuse but we still do. That's one of the ways that I can tell that my husband was chosen by God. He goes one Sunday and gets shredded to bits and cries our hour long drive home and through the week and gets up the next Sunday and hits it again. It hurts me to the core. It hurts so much that I would like to lash out but I don't because I know that I could harm our ministry rather that help. I was surprised to learn that the majority of the people that are doing the hurting are older people. They should be the ones giving sound advise to the younger ones. God has not lost and will not loose... I know He can't loose. I must admit that I get tired sometimes and sometimes just being able to see a little process would help. We get tired and sometimes depressed but God always allows one of us to be strong enough to hold up the other...Thank you Lord! I don't know what would happen if we broke down at the same time. When we stand all that we can stand we fall hard. I would love for my husband to pastor closer to home at least we wouldn't have to worry about gas. My husband has been pastoring here for 3 years so I have already been here for two years. He hasn't gotten a raise in 3 years... new family and all. God will make it right and God doesn't, He'll see to it that our family is alright. It just seems to me that people don't care about God's chosen ones. OK, I'm done with my little piece. I wish you all joy and God's Blessings.

helpmefast  10/27/2005  Sisters in Christ Help Me Please! I have a serious dilemma. My husband and I started a church 3 years ago. During the first two years my husband really wasn't serious about the ministry (not preparing for study/sermons/praying regularly) and I caught him on the internet several times communicating on dating websites. This went on the first year and it happened again last year. The later part of last year, I caught him carrying on with some young girl (mostly flirting), but he lied and denied it all. I was so distraught I confided in one of our elders and another church sister. They both remained quiet about it, but I think I know it damaged their opinion of him. Since the first of this year, my husband has behaved and is really into the ministry. Here is the problem: I think the damage has been done. Although he has repented and changed the members don't seem to truly respect and appreciate him. I told him since he/we made such a mess of things in the beginning he should resign. God is not obligated to bless mess. What are your thoughts. I've started back drinking to ease the pain. PLease pray for me and email some sound advise.

very,very lonely  11/1/2005  Hi. I have been married to a pastor for 21 years now and although I love my husband very much I do not love being a pastors' wife. I long to not be one and just be a regular member of the congregation. I don't feel I have the emotional, physical or even spiritual energy to be in this kind of role. My relationship with God though is good. He is my everything. I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that this is definately my husband's calling and nothing will really change for me. I tend to just go to church on Sundays and none of the other activites. I feel more lonely when I do go to things. By the way we just started a church plant almost two years ago and we're growing very slowly but my husband loves it. I guess I just feel very sad and lonely knowing this is the way my life is going to be forever.

hurting, lonely, too  11/7/2005  Wouldn't life be different if pastor's wives could actually RESIGN? Why is there no such thing as a Pastor's Wife's Sabbatical? Where does a Pastor's wife go when she no longer feels safe in her own church? I hate church! Church doesn't work for me; it's great for my husband, but not for me. But, I'm convinced that there are always choices. There is always hope! The choice you (and I) must make is between resignation and relinquishment. We can't give up (quit the ministry) but we can give in (die to self). There is another choice to make: to accept the lies of the enemy, that "nothing will really change for me"--which brings defeat and despair--or to believe God's Word, that He "makes all things new" which brings hope for restoration and peace. I'm weighing my options, planning my choice. I am responsible for my own actions, not my husband. So, if I continue to sit in church week after week being miserable, it is my choice. NEVER believe that you have no options. For example, I could stop attending church. I could go to another church. I could leave my husband. Granted, those are undesirable options. I may have to choose between a rock and a hard place!

curious  11/1/2005  I would like to hear from women, how they felt when their husbands began to feel that they were being called to ministry. Particularly men who were the macho, hard crusted, never let anybody inside type guys that God has changed. Do women feel sceptical about their husbands changing? Are they afraid that he will become somebody they can't relate to? And how can a woman accept those changes?

Blessed  12/27/2005  I hope your still reading this site. I had to take my time and think about your question. Yes...I was scared when my husband was called into the ministry and was not a pastor in the beginning of our marriage. Yes, you wonder is the change permanent especially when the first 10 years dealt with drugs alcohol and gambling. BUT when I look at the past and know that without God,he would still be in the past,I have to believe that it is God's will that he preach. Sometimes it's hard not to put your husband under a microscope and examine everything he says and does but thru constant prayer God will bring you to the faith you need. Am I cut out for this...NO! Do I need to follow my husband...YES Will it be easy ..well you've read the other's situations so you already see that it can be difficult but If you can keep your eyes on God and be in constant prayer I believe you can do it if you are a Christian.

Marie  11/1/2005  My husband has pastored two churches. He resigned as pastor from our last church ten monthes ago.(we left because of major doctrinal differences. What they said they believed before we took the church and what actually went on were two different things.) We have have been praying and searching for a church since then. We are Independent Baptist and I and our children totally back him. It is hard sometimes when I see him get discouraged. We want so much to serve in another church. Our problem is hearing of solid Baptist churches looking for a pastor. Does anyone know of good independent Baptist churches lookng for a pastor?

Mrs Preacher's wife to be  11/2/2005  My husband is in his last year of Bible college to become a pastor. He will graduate in the spring. He is 34 and I am 37.....getting a late start in ministry. We have two chldren age 5 and 2. We would like another child or two. Do churches hire you based on the number of kids you have or on what they are looking for in a minister? I am looking forward to being in minsitry but nkow it is hard work. I am a sahm. Will I be expected to forsake that and "work" at church? Another question I have a question that is very sensitive. My husband struggled with pornography in the past and occasionally when under stress it still tries to attack.....he did receive treatment for this problem and prays for God to remove this "thorn in the flesh". He wants to do better and knows this could hurt him in the ministry even if know one "knew" about it. I struggle with hurt and anger when it crops up him. I know he loves me and I knkow he loves God and I know he wants to do better. Yet in our society it is not acceptable for a pastor or pastor to be to say "I need help" cause then he is looked down upon. But yet many pastor's struggle with pride and self importance etc which are also how does a pastor's wife support her husband and get him "help" but yet keep the sanctity of their private lives? I know God has great plans for us......He has plans to proper us and not to harm us... and I know that our ministry will be strong one day and we have much to learn. I so want to be a good pastor's wife......but most of all I want to be a good helpmate to my husband and a good mom to our children. thanks

What Do I Do Now?  11/2/2005  I am a Pastor's wife and wondering why people I meet in church and believe I've made friends with leave (for what-ever reason) and never say goodbye to me? I wait a week or so and wonder why they haven't called or written. They say goodbye to my husband. I feel awkward calling or writing because I wonder if it would make them feel badly and I also wonder if maybe I've done something to offend them? So, I don't do anything I just let go. It's all I can think about now that Pastor has called basically everyone we've ever known (of which 75% have left without saying goodbye) for a 10 year reunion. That decision in itself was quite spontaneous. It's this Sunday and I found out last Saturday evening around 11:00pm. I wasn't aware I've been so hurt and now I'm faced with dealing with it. Not in just one person but too many to count all at once. I need guidance! Help!

LR  11/6/2005  Oh how I can relate to you. I cannot even begin to count all the times that I have made "friends" with in the church, only to have them leave suddenly or just drop me. I used to think it was something wrong with me. I have always been a very down to earth, transparent type of person. Some people are put off with that type of personality. Many people in the congregation want the Pastor's wife to always wear a smile, be on a spiritual high, have all the answers, etc... Of course we who are the Pastor's wife know that is totally unrealistic. I would suggest trying to make friends outside the church. Try to find another pastor's wife to meet with. Try to even meet other Christian women outside the church. I even attended a Bible study group and did not mention I was a pastor's wife until later. I wanted them to know me as JUST ME and not a label or title or Pastor so and so's wife. This may sound deceptive, but when I shared later who I was married to and why I witheld the info at first, they seemed to understand. I think it helped them to better understand what Pastor's wives often go through. I also am blessed to have several friends from high school (26 years ago!) who I keep in touch with. Eventhough it's long distance to talk, I know these women love me warts and all, good and bad. I still deal with lonliness. I am cordial and friendly with people in our church, but I am very careful who I open up to and how much information I share. From experience, I have learned that there are few who can handle being intimate friends with the Pastor's wife. I do have one lady in the church I confide with more than others, but I am still careful. I pray that you can find another PW to befriend. It is good to have someone who understands what the ministry is like. God Bless you sister. My heart goes out to you. Been there, done that :). ((((Hugs))). LR

Psalms 121  11/11/2005  Take it from me. I've been a pastor's wife for over 17 years and I've learned from experience, you cannot be friends with your parishners. It just doesn't work. Find people outside of the church that you can socialize with. You can't be friends with people in your congregation, it's just not a wise thing to do.

Victoria   11/3/2005  Its only by God's grace any of us stay in the battle. I am having a very difficult time with bullying in the leadership. My husband does nothing to stop it. I am brought to tears most Sunday's because of this. I just don't know what to do. My husband says that we just have to stay faithful.

Shirley  11/3/2005  I have a question!!!! My husband and I have a call on our lives, we know for sure. But the problem is, that we are a divorced couple now married 22 years. Is there a place that we could minister? Although serving in our local church,a non-denom, we find it hard to find a place that accepts us. Would appreciate an answer back

Pamela  11/4/2005  I would like to join this support group. I am a 63y/o woman recently married to a man who is the pastor of a small church. I have been divorced and so has my husband. I have lostg over half my family marring this man. My sister who attends church every wk told me I am living in sin as I am an adulterer now as I married a pastor. Scriptures tell us that a pastor/deacon be the man of one wife. My mother is also upset with me as I would not go with her to a wedding service and party on the sabbath ( we are commandment keepers that keep Sabbath as our holy rest day). The funny thing is that she raised me to be a sabbath keeper. Now she is distant and my brother calls me a "Holy ASS and a Zealot". He is mad at me for making my mother mad. I am the oldest in this family and I have always done whatever they wanted me to do and this is the first time I have said no to them. My husband pastor and our work God wants us to do comes first. This church also has many believers that believe anyone who is divorced cannot remarry - I always ask them what did God tell David. He said he would have given more wives to him if he had asked for it. Davids sin was not the sin of many wives it was the sin of murder. Don't these accusers read their Bibles. Anyway I am confident that I and my husband, the man God brought into my life as an answer to prayer - I am confident that we are totally within Gods plan and work for our lives. I just need a support group for myself. My husband has been a pastor for 30 years. I get jealous sometimes of how much time he spends on his sermons and writing and talking to people on the phone and he has a very difficult time saying no to them. He says no to me easily. I usually understand but there does come that one time that we have a special date planned and he dosent tell me plans have changed that we have to do something for someone or go pray for healing w/ someone. I find out when he pulls into the parking lot of Sizzler - "for a quick bite" and he knows I hate Sizzler more than once a yr and when I show displeasure and shock and tell him I am disappointed and hurt he did not keep our date special and safe from others and hold it in high esteem he says I am over reacting and selfish and I don't love the mission he has for doing Gods work as much as he does. This is so hard. So you can see I need women - wise women to counsel with. Can't ask my mom or my sister about this and it would be totally inapprotiate to speak to any of the women in our church about this so I am all alone. I have been praying about getting understanding and wisdom for myself and how to handle this and here I find a web site for exactly what I was praying for. Thank you Father,Eternal,Creator God that made me and loves me so much to make sure I get support I need to be a strong threefold cord marriage with Jesus as the third cord - Help please and I can love and be there for this wonderful man God brought me and to continue as a woman doing his work to my best ability because I am also supported. Thank you

jo  11/9/2005  I am married to a pastor and we have an extremely small church. i am white and he is black. all the members are black and all the churches we fellowship with are black. we have gone through some very tough times because the church members are all from the same family, so when one gets mad at us the whole church is in turmoil. we are about to celebrate our sixth anniversary at the church and i need some words to include in the program that comes from the pastors wife. can anyone offer me any help?

D.B.  11/10/2005  hello - every individual has their personal convictions re:Pastor's wives.....but I have read and read in Pastor. I do find where the wife is to be a helpmeet to the husband and support her husband. Too many hardnosed, selfish church members place far to much pressure and high expectations upon a pastor's wife. The wife and children are member's of Christ's church just like everyone else....(not a popular concept is it?) I've read and read and read..... and there's not even a qualification in the Bible listed specifically for a Pastor's wife....if so please show me. (Yes I'm a minister's wife) yes I serve God.......but I FIRST and foremost support my husband. I don't feel I need to perform, seek approval from overbearing church members. My first priority is my husband. I look for ways to hold him up, strengthen him. I've never seen a church give a payroll check to the husband and one to the wife? I love God and do wish to be in obedience to Him.....and love His church and it's members....but refuse to be enslaved or made to feel guilty by those who think I should attend this or attend that, wear this hat, wear that hat. By God's Grace I'm just me nothing more or nothing less......just like us all a sinner saved by grace. I will not be enslaved by man made traditions or pressures placed upon me by other's, it is wrong. Yes I agree other's want to place us upon pedastals because their focus is upon flesh and not spirit. Far too many Christian's place their eyes, faith upon man and not Christ and all Christian's focus should be to get others eyes off of ourselves and lift them to Christ. It's not my ministry.....but Christ's ministry, my husband did not die for you, I did not die for you.....but our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ....keep your eyes turned towards him and not your pastor or his wife.

Someonecares  11/14/2005  I've had many reservations in the past about reponding, but once I read this I had to respond. I am also a ministers wife and I agree there is nothing listed in the Bible about the role of a Pastors/Ministers wife. It says the wife is to be the helper to her husband. I have a family and my husband and I both work full time jobs and by the time I complete my first God given assignment as a wife and mother, I don't have time to worry about what others think of me or how they treat me. I probably never notice because I'm doing what I have been called to do. I think that Pastor's/ Ministers wives put unrealistic expectations on the church just like the church puts unrealistic expectations on the wife. I do agree that there are people in church who may mistreat the wives. Those people probably mistreat others also. That's their warped personality. As D.B. said earlier, Jesus is the only one who died for us and the only one who supplies all of our needs, therefore, if we focus on God and get busy doing His business, we won't have time to feel lonely or depressed. We can't look to other people to fill a void that only Jesus can feel. We have to put our trust in Jesus not man.

Butterfly  11/13/2005  It seems to be a common theme that pastor's wives deal with a lot of rejection, hurt and loneliness. We know that our husbands are human. But can anyone tell me why do the members of the congregation dislike the pastor's wife so much why is there so much envy directed toward the pastor's wife. there also seems to be no medium ground. if we become very involved with the church its a problem. Yet, if we are aloof thats a problem too. I think people want the pastor to themselves and not to have a wife who is supposed to come first. Its just amazing that the person closest to the pator who prays for him and the church and sacrifices so much finances and family time, is so mistreated in the house of God. Why can anyone answer the problem. There is always the woman who you thought was a friend but joined the gang against you. It is all very painful and the loneliness is unbelievable. When you talk to your husband he acts like its all your imagination. Thats becuase everyone loves him or his position one. At times I don't want to go to the church either but when I don't people act like I am not doing my share I am expected to do almost everything,But also go along with being disrespected. I too would like to just be a regular church member. All the jealous people can have the title of first lady that they are so very jealous of. Jealousy and hatred in the church is truely killing the work of the lord. Why are people so jealous of each other. We can't really use gifts becuase of the spirit of envy Please pray for me God knows who I am and my heart has been defeated and hurt. My spirit has been broken. I know I will go on because of the Lord. I will still love and pray for my enemy.But that does not stop the pain in my heart. Sometimes it does seem easier and more peaceful just to walk away or run away.But I know that eventualluy God will change things. Well thanks for letting me vent. I am encouraged to know that I am not the only one who experiences these feelings. I just wonder why it all hurts so much and why can't we find friends or acceptance or love in the place where there is supposed to be so much love.

Becca   11/20/2005  Your sharing experiences and hurts showed me that what I have been struggling with for many years is experienced by others too. You commented on it being easier to walk or run away... Something that I struggle with often, especially after church on Sundays. =) Just recently God showed me that He does not want me to run, but to deal with the hurts. It has taken me a long time to piece together it is rejection and loneliness -- because we are in service to Him. If you want to e-mail me, please do. I would love to have communication with other minister's wife in a more personal setting. My prayers are with you -- and others as we seek the Lord to do His work.

butterfly  11/23/2005  Thank you Becca for your response. I would like to email you. I know there is an answer for us pastor's wives but how will we find it. Thank you for your comment about loneliness and rejection being part of our service to Christ. The lord was rejected also. I guess we feel bad when our husbands don't see what is so obvious to us. Does being a Pastor make you blind to someone's con or manipulation when they are attacking your marriage. I think people let the spirit of the devil use them against the wife which in turn will hurt the husband and the ministry. The husband will not be able to effectively work or minister for the Lord if things in his marriage are shaky. The enemy attacks the marriage through the wife. A lot of parishoners don't want to be friends with the Pastors wife because they don't want the Pastor to know their faults or flaws or things they say and do that they should'nt. Or people are intimidated by leadership kind of like being pals with the boss at work. I guess the role of a pastor's wife is to support and pray and overlook tons of garbage that comes our way. The bible and Jesus will have to be our friends. We will have to come strongly in prayer against those that attack our marriage and pray for our enemy. The enemy hates that because he will stop using that person against us as soon as we start praying for their salvation. YES I would love to be a regular member for just a little while and yet we know that when you are a true believer the devil will always find a way to make your life miserable. We have to fill our lives with the word of God, Prayer and some friends who don't attend our church. For serious problems in marriage I recommend fasting and prayer. Prayer without ceasing will bring an answer. After all you me or anybody can't destroy our bodies and minds for someone else even if it is our husband. At some point we must think of our own mental sanity and health. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Remember as a Pastor's wife our friend is Jesus. He is our consolation and source of strength. We all look and see how the people fawn and praise our husbands and then overlook us. It hurts when our husbands don't seem to notice or care. But if it were the opposite they would notice but as women we would try to soothe them. Men seem to be oblivious to our pain. But try not to let the snares and traps of jealous people ruin your marriage. Our husbands really need us and the devil would have us turn and walk away. That would weaken our husbands and the ministry which is the ultimate goal of the devil working through weak minded or envious people. God put you beside this man. You are doing a painful hard heartbreaking job or role which many people can't seem to understand. But as Christ suffered we must arm ourselves like wise we are doing God's work. People who manipulate, lie, or hurt us are doing the devils work. Let us all pray each day for Pastor's wives all over the United States. I know we will see a change because we are some strong powerful women. I will begin today to pray for Pastor's wives lets all do this God knows all our names. Prayer changes things.

Marie  11/14/2005  Is there a Pastor's wives organization that are available from state to state. I am interested in becoming a part of something positive but don't know where to begin. I live in Delaware but our church is in Philadelphia. I need to connect. Thanks.

BEFUZZLED  11/14/2005  Do any of these "vents" get any answers? I need some help and so far I can't find anyone that is answering these questions. I know they are venting, but some need some answers

Listen & Pray  4/4/2006  Is it really an answer that we PW's are seeking or just a listening ear by someone who understands and out of that understanding are able to carry that burden in prayer for us? Many of us already know WHO it is that holds the answers and where to go to find them. We are often given all kinds of unneccessary answers by our husbands and others with good intentions at moment of deep pain and sorrow. Instead, we longed in those moments for some sense of understandning from them or for them to have offered an unconditional hug and ear with an encouragement that says to us "this too shall pass" but until then, desiring for someone to be a water jar to pour His living water into us in our time of need. I don't consider this a website for "venting", but for "releasing" the very things that have been brewing inside PW's who are on the verge of explosion. It is a form of journaling what I feel on the inside that is healing for me. It also a place to gain insight about the commonality amongst us PW's. Understanding that I am not alone in this very challenging and at times complicating call of Ministry helps me to realize that some of what I go through is normal and characteristic of being a PW. It gives us insight on how we can pray for one another. We can settle for man's natural answers (and many of us (including me) prefer that tangible, quick response which often times lead to natural results. Or, we can allow ourselves to "release" our deepest thoughts and feeling whether in prayer or by journaling it down, and wait for our Supernatural "DADDY" to draw close to our broken-heart and save us who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18) I am listening, ladies. I understand and share in many of your challenges and pain...and today, I have prayed for you.

lonelyme  11/15/2005  This is my first time here. Actually, I've been driven by a dilemma. I am a young PW with a young husband, a young (recovering) church and an even younger baby. There is this young single new convert who seems to be invading our private world. She is always expecting my husband to take her and her children home regardless of whether or not I am present. He, being the good samaritan that he is has always obliged. She even sought him at Men's Ministry one night that she was in one of her "tight situations" - it was quite obcious he wasn;t going to be there. And of course, guess what? he obliged. This is just the beginning of what I go through because of her. Why is it that PW's tend to see spiritually what their anointed husbands can't when it comes to these strange women whom satan subtly uses to try to trap them? Of course, he gets angry at, yes, you all know it - me, for lovingly (not naggingly) pointing it out to him! I am hurting - badly.We do love each other, badly but this one has been going on for tooooo long. What has your experiences taught you in terms of dealing with this with your anointed men?

Sally  6/25/2006  I am also a young pastor's wife. My husband has chosen to set specific standards so that his character would never be called into question--one of those is that he will never be alone with another woman (besides me). There always has to be at least one other trustworthy man/woman around. I think this is especially important because you have said you are a younger couple--you need to protect and cherish your marriage. Perhaps this "rule" could be one way to help that situation a bit. And pastor's aren't exempt from having affairs, so he needs to uphold this rule. As we get older, there will always be younger, attractive women around who need help in some way. It would be terrible if any of these relationships took a wrong turn. He has to respect your marriage and either adhere to a rule of groups of 3 or more, or set up a woman within the church to reach out to the ladies. Also, when my husband and I are spending quality time together, he's not allowed to answer his work phone unless he knows of an extreme crisis going on with a church member. This would not include getting a ride. The best way your husband could help her is to raise money to get her a car. You have every right to feel that you are being slighted by your husband's ministry. He has to cherish your needs just as much as he loves others. Yes, there are times we have to sacrifice time with our husbands because of a ministry need, but we still have to protect and grow our own marriages.

FMHK  11/15/2005  Questions, I am a new pastors wife for 2years now. My husband lost a wife to cancer. I am divorced and have two children and my husband has none of his own. I am a medical missionary to third world countries and my husband ministry is the inner-city drug addicts. I ahve gone back to school and have a GPA of 3.5 with the chance of medical school. I am also very much a go getter and out there. I have many talents and God has blessed me with the talents I have. Now my husband deseased wife was not that at all. She did not do anything for the church and was a loner in the house. THAT I AM NOT>> I have dreams and goals that was put into my heart before I got married and now I feel as if my husband don't trust me in the ministry. I am scared to say or do anything with the church without getting in trouble from him. It is as if I have the approval of everyone but my husband. We have gotten peer counslor from our bishop but he said the bishop was wrong.. I do love this man and know that he is still dealing with the loss of his former wife too. I just don't understand how to be the pastors wifwe I need to be without lossing the desires in my heart that God put there. I am a house wife that is happy staying at home and doing nothing..I have a strive to be better and complete things. I am a grant writer also and see so many possiblities to help the community here. My heart is in the third world nations and his is here in US... We also live in a very, very bad area...DANGER..where two people..children were taken and have not been found..TWO blocks from my house...I have ask to move where we are safe but he will say that we are after things and not Gods heart.. I don't believe God would leave a family in harms way and it is time to move from where we are...I don't want to seek things but do Gods will...It is hard to be in Gods will when you worry about your children...I have always wanted to do medical missions and now I have but it has been put on the back burner due to my husbands calling... It just seems as if my calling stopped when I got married.....

Blessed  11/15/2005  I'm so glad I found this site because I know now that I'm not the only one out here feeling like it's not safe to talk or share with anyone. Ladies I have to say ...the church members aren't the only guilty parties here. WE need to reach out to each other when another pastor's wife is hurting. Too many times I've tried to reach out to another pastor's wife and she has acted like she is completely above those feelings and I've gone away feeling worse than I couldn't possibly be as spiritual as the other wives becuase I had those feelings. Don't just quote scripture (although it is the truth..the word) send a card and just simply say ..I understand your pain and I'm praying for you like others have prayed for me. We tend to be as the world perceives us ..untouchable ..without realizing it.

L.B.  11/18/2005  I have been reading some of the ventings and my heart goes out to all of us!My husband and I have been in Ministry for 30 years and we currently pastor two churches. I have learned if I'm not taking good care of me in it all it makes a big difference in my outlook on things. Sometimes I get so caught up in the spiritual side of everything that I forget I'm made up of spirit, soul,(mind, will & emotions) and body. I am God's daughter. He cares very much for me. He is perfecting ALL that concerns me. This is what His word tells me. It says He is not a man that He should lie. Wow, people are going to be what they are but if I can keep me healthy I will be better equipped to handle it. For each of us that means different hobbies we enjoy, from a good book to a soak in a tub with bubbles. This is certainly not the answer to everything but if I make time for me I'm happier and if I'm happier my husband seems happier and my home is a better place to be. I've learned to set boundries. I believe God is a God of balance and order. Trouble seems to happen when we lose sight of that "vision" for ourselves and the "whole picture" of what God has called us to.

maggie  11/19/2005  Has anyone experiened in their churches problems with older and younger people? When we first came to start a church, there were 25 older folks.These people told us their main wish was to have younger people. Four years later, we have many younger people, and now the older ones aren't happy and many have left. We've tried to find music that would suit both young and old, but it's hard! We don't follow the traditional format either. We do things more informally. Our wish is that is would be a multi-generational church.

Blessed   11/21/2005  about the music..older vs. younger. I'm in a field where I hear ladies talk about their church situations alot and one of the big objections seems to be the music subject. The younger are willing to put up with SOME traditional mixed with comptempory but the older don't agree with the mix as much. I've seen some churches have the traditional in the am servive and the comtempory in the pm service. This has worked in 2 very Large churches in our area. It helps to bring in the young at evening service where they wouldn't come other wise. I hope this helps.

Maggie  12/1/2005  Dear Blessed, thank you for your thoughts. You are so right. The younger folks seem to be willing to try some traditional, whereas the older folks do not want to budge! We have considered another traditional service but many want to have all ages together. We are a fairly new church, and growing , so maybe in the near future we can go to two services! God bless you, and thanks again for hearing my venting!

Tired of the Lies  12/14/2005  The older generation always say they want the younger generation but they are always lying. I have been a pw for over 6 years and have found the older generation to be one of the most selfish group of people in church life. They all told us, yes we want the younger people in our church. They just didn't bother to tell us that they wanted only people who they could control. All they are worried about is if they have control over the pastor and the church. We actually had the church growing and because at one business meeting they saw they were losing control, they gave Satan power and destroyed the church. We left and took over half the church with us. My husband keeps telling me it is just this generation but I have to wonder. We are now planting a church that will start out the right way and with the right ideas. All generations are welcome and nobody but God will be in control. Everyone is accountable for their actions from the Pastor on down to the youngest member. They will all sign a convenant and it will say that if at anytime they become a liability to the church or God's work they will be asked to leave. Music will be as the Lord leads, not any one person's preferance. Hymns as well as Praise and Worship. Stay away from small churches that are more than a few years old. There is a definite reason they are small. Most likely Satan is in control not God. Be leary if only certain couples seem to do everything. I have found they think they own the church. I know the Lord was treated worse than we have ever been treated, so I always say how can we expect to be treated much better if he was treated so badly. Yes, there are many pitfalls in ministry but there are also just as many blessings. We can't complain all the time. God is still in control and on the throne. Pray for us as we start this new church. We are excited. There are only 2 other churches in a town of 40,000 that is even trying to reach all generations so we know there is a need. This part of the country has put too much emphasis on history and not looking toward the future and most of the churches in this are totally traditional with mainly older people in them. We think this will take off quickly, so pray for wisdom for us and the rest of our team as we launch this. I honestly feel the only way to have a healthy church is if it is started right and at least in this part of the country not many were. Most were started as family churches, which are the worst. I pray your situation is better than I described but I fear it most likely is the same. Pray to the Lord and he will lead you in the right direction. There is a point in time that God does say, forget them they will never change, you are needed where I can use you best. If they aren't willing to change God will find someone else to do his work and grow up around them. I have seen this happen time after time.

Grace  11/21/2005  I am 31 years old, and my husband is the pastor of a small congregation of about 40 people. We have been pastors about 5 years, and I am struggling because I am 31 and the other ladies in the church are 50 and up. This makes it difficult for me to relate to them. I know that the pastors are suppose to be respected in the church, but I feel that even for my husband the congregation feels as if they have nothing to learn from us, and do not resprect us at all, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Eternity Focused   11/21/2005  Praise God for this website!!! I am a Pastor's Wife and Co-Pastor as well and I can sympathize and empathize with a lot of your feelings and circumstances. If any of you live in or near Central Florida - I would love to meet with and fellowship with you on a regular basis (monthly or bi-monthly if possible). I need advice, encouragement and I could sure use the company as well. Where there is UNITY there is STRENGTH and we all need each other. If you are interested. Please email me at your earliest convenience and with God's help we will move forward through every triumph and victory and every test, trial and tribulation together.

JayJay  5/30/2006  Did you manage to meet up on a regular basis withother pastors' wives in your area? If you have hope it is going great and you are finding strengthin each other . I live in London England and the need to meet up as pastors wives is also great and we do find it enriching and rewarding. We hold seminars retreats and workshops sometimes monthly or on bi-monthly . Invitation is also extended to my colleagues in the USA and should you wish to come to attend a retreat or seminar; indeed if you wish to come over for fellowship you are most welcome. My web site give further details and would love to hear from you all. Trust me after 25 years experience as a pastor's wife I can assure you that you are not alone in your struggles. It's an upward struggle at times but most rewarding. Would love to make contact. God bless you all, keep strong. You will be rewarded.

Tmama  11/22/2005  I like this website, it seems like you women are really building each other up, that's encouraging. My husband is a music minister and the Lord has been using us in various church planting projects, so it's great to hear all of your stories, and it's encouraging to see that so many people are sensing God leading them into ministry even when there are not alot of people. I would love to stay in touch with someone thru email, either a weathered churchplanting pastor's wife who's had lots of ups and downs and/or new churchplanters like myself. I often feel alone, apart from family for so long and at home with my 3 kids, ages 4, 3, and 1 as well as attending church that doesn't feel like the typical "church", esp when I'm a people person, it seems like so many people don't get churchplanting, and I can't even say that I do, the Lord just keeps leading us to it. I'd love to hear from some of you. God Bless, tmama


Psalms 121  12/5/2005  I know it must have taken a lot for you to admit that you are having an affair. Whatever happened or however it happened just know that God is just and he will forgive you no matter what you have done. Now that you have confessed your sin to us and to Him he has forgiven you. Your slate has been wiped cleaned. I have no bad thoughts about you. These things happen and I'm sure you're not the first it has happened to. No one is perfect. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Many people stop right there and don't quote the rest of it which says, but thru Christ, we have been redeemed. Have you also confessed this to your husband? If you haven't you need to do that also. Then you can begin to get restored. It's going to be a long journey back but you can do it. I know you're lonely, hurt and every other discouraging word you can think of. I'd love to be your friend and help you as much as I can. You can email Rock Dove and they'll email you my address. If there's anyone else who would like just to talk one on one I'm ready to listen.

Frankie  1/12/2006  You said we have no idea. You would be surprised. 14 years? Try 20. Ministry years? Over 9. Yep... affairs happen....even to the best of us.'s lonely. Yes....ministry hurts. And yes....sometimes we fall. I only pray that I don't fall too hard.

Diane   11/27/2005  I am about to be a divorced pastor's wife. My husband has blatantly stated that he does not want me. We are seeing an attorney on Thursday for I can no longer endure the treatment at the hand of this man who exhibits one personality in public and another at home (when he comes home).I have endure 12 years of emotional abuse from my "pastor" who just Wednesday referred to me as a "f....". I have found evidence of his adultery with women in the church and is currently involved with anothr woman. Even though we are still living in the house together, he has convinced himself that he is no longer married and can do whatever he wants, go whereever he wants and with whom he wants. I wonder how God still allows him to stand each Sunday and preach. Sometimes, I think that the problem is me for God seems to be punishing me while allowing him to do just fine. I really don't get it.

PreciousLady  11/28/2005  Hello everyone. I have been married for 2 years, and when I met my husband, he was a minister and that was fine. Well after we got married, the Pastor called us in his office and told me that he wanted to make my husbnad the Asst. Pastor, I sat there and I said ok. (What else was I suppose to say). Well as time went on, the Pastor's wife give me grief, there are times when she doesn't want to talk to me, being hte women of God that I am, I still speak and try to talk to her and I am always nice to her, but to no avail. She is always negative, she tries to make me look bad in front of people, and it is really frustrating and I wanted to just stop going to church there. Things are so out of wack there. The Pastor is very passive, and not firm, but he says that my husband is too firm and too agressive, well I always thought that you must be firm in order to be a Pastor. My husband believes in telling the truth and preaching the uncompromising word of God, but the people of the church are just ignorant and they don't want change, they want to stay in tradition, well it is not about tradition it is about Jesus Christ, but they don't see that, they say the do, but it is a lot of confusion at the church, and they let deacons that drink pray over offering and just keep being a deacon, and I can't seem to understand all of this behaviour. It is to the point to where I don't like going there, I don't want to participat ein anything that is going on there, but I go to support my husband, we have been praying and it doesn't seem as if God is listening to our prayers, because nothing has changed as of yet. So PLEASE keep myself and my husband in your prayers, we are standing on God's word, and preaching God's word, and following biblical principles, but the church is not. I wish we could just leave and go be lay members somewhere else, but I know my husband has been called to the ministry, I just need some prayer, so just please keep me in your prayers. Has anyone ever bee treated this way by our Pastor's wife?

SongBird  11/30/2005  Butterfly, Befuzzled and any other PW, Butterfly thank you so much for telling me about this site on Thanksgiving, I have been reading since then it is now 3:30 a.m. on Wednesday nearly a week later. I seriously feel that I have read every entry and I am also glad that I know of this site. I have also gone through many of the same things that many of you have gone through. I married into pastorship of one church and after 5 years, my husband is Bishop & is over two churches, in 2 different cities, but within a 21-25 mile radius. I have been married almost 9 years now. I have expereinced quite a bit in this short period of time. I think maybe it had to be that way. I am going to put it like this there has been opposition from a controlling force with a strong spirit, that know-one would ever stand up to or disagree with. When I came along I changed that, which caused a problem for me. I am 41 now, I have never been one that you can tell what to do. I have a strong spiritual base having been born into the church with a mother who is a powerhouse Evangelist to this day. @ sisters that are Ministers, as well as being in Ministry for 11 years myself. I will try to make this short, though this is hard for me to do as Butterfly knows, because she is my bioligical sister, we both married Pastor's. (smile), we can at times support each other. I am a little different, from most women though. I am not sure what mold I am made out of, I often wonder. Those going to school probably can't do what I do or that work full time jobs. But I will just lay it on the line and it may seem strange and I have actually yet to understand it myself, but I paint, at both churches, with my husband, I take vans to be inspected, I go to the DMV, just went last week. I am fierce on the computer with church bulletins. I Direct the choir, I sing Solo's , I lead Worship service, I teach adult sunday school. I lay carpet at church and at home, I shampoo entire Church buildings at 2-3:00 in the morning, while praying for strength. My husband and I over the years been known to work all night or have left at 7:00 a.m in the morning after painting all night because the deacons are working 2 jobs or are half stepping, or just have a lack of committment. We then returned the next day. Once recently we were so tired after working all night that we were delirious with laughter, this was after my husband said my back feels like it is coming apart. ~ I also contributed to raising my stepchildren, did not have any of my own. I have a Grandson that I absolutely love, and despite the other side trying to keep us apart have gained the respect of my stepchildren as they have seen with their own eyes who I am and what their father needed. I became ill 3 weeks after I said I do. I have the most handsome, loving, understanding, husband that I one imagine, I am not sure what I have done to deserve this blessing in my life. Sure I must pull him aside and talk to him and "school" him on some things and I have learned much from him, He loves the Lord as much as I do, and knows the scripture like the back of his hand and lives it. During my illness. He told me that the Spirit of a man sustains his infirmity. We already know that laughter does good like medicine. I come from a family that could be lying in the hospital in pain, but we will find something to laugh about. My father was very strict coming up, and in all actuality I fault him for some of my beliefs although they may not be scripturally sound, but he told us (4 girls) You don't have nothing to prove. So I have gone my hole life not trying to prove anything to anyone. And Yes, my christianity has been attacked, my intentions have been attacked. I read by some one that whatever they do they do their best, I am the same way. This breeds jealousy, because it causes others to see their own shortcomings. "Befuzzled" Now I am attempting in my own way to help some one. When you are the Pastor's wife you are the closest thing to the Pastor, and when you do what is right or make him look good that makes the Ministry look good and It makes God and the Church & cause of Christ look good. Sometimes after my husband preaches, because he preaches hard, he perspires and I will sing during prayer. Before I sit down I will help him with his jacket on before he goes to change. Someone said it I am sure, we are not wrestling against flesh & blood but we are in an all out war with the enemy/satan himself and if you don't believe that he is real then walk is not for you anyway. I heard a well known speaker say that, when you are being attacked that is the enemy hitting you back. Not hitting you first. I have a determination that I will let nothing separate me from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Yes I too have been labeled as overbearing which I really am not. (NO really) Rejected, misunderstood, disliked, abusesed, accused, mis-used, mis quoted, lied on,lied to. Looked at,stared at, walked out on, while singing. You name it. I can't say it hasn't hurt but for me I really do see the fault finders and trouble maker's as souls that need deliverance. Everyone can not be a Pastor's Wife, though many think that they can. That's because they are on the outside looking in. It takes a special woman to be a Pastor's wife, for this is a Clarion call, everyone can't do this that is why he chose us. My only other advise would be from a 41 year old is just be sure that this is what the Lord has called you and your husband to do. Whatever you do, don't play the blame game because of frustration. Blaming your husband, He is still a man (smile) and although those that "sup-posed" to be christians may not see you as one and see you as two, biblicly you become one, when you marry. One more thing then I guess I will go, but several said that we are sinners, not trying to be contradictory or anything but we were born in sin and shapen in iniquity, but if you have been "born again" that you were once a sinner, but now are ye saved by grace. I am not saying that I am perfect because many times I have said to much and I made some regrettful mistakes, but I always do what the position calls for. If you only knew my who story. I could tell you some things. I am not bitter or regretful. There is a place in God that you must get to and stay there, and most of all know who you are. I have seriously considered writing a book, myself. I am very glad that this web site is here. Befuzzeled, Pastor's wives need to know that someone else is experienceing what they are experiencing. I wanted to respond to a lot but I started reading stuff from 1998, and I would trust that those issues have been resolved with the help of the Lord. I get respect in my church it took some years but I used wisdom, and also stumbled, people thought I was too young and at times I proved them right, but I didn't give up. Failure is not an option. When Saul was after David, David could have retaliated or taken saul out on many occasions, but the scripture says he (David) handled himself wisely. If anyone ever wants to talk to me via email please feel free to do so. I could tell you some things. However some things now that they have passed, just don't seem as important anymore, however when you are in the midst of a situation itcan be devastating I know. You can make it. God wouldn't put more on you than you can bare, so if it's there,it means you can bare it. Hope I finished my sentences. God Bless, Songbird

WONDERING AGAIN  12/2/2005  Are there any churches that accept divorced/remarried pastors? We are now married 21 years, but some denominations will not accept us as pastors. So I ask, people allow criminal/born- again perole out of prison to come talk to their churches (minister) what is the difference ? Do they not accept JESUS CHRIST'S FORGIVENESS............SLATE BEING WIPED CLEAN? We are wondering about the call on our lives....if no one will allow us the chance to minister.

broken-down  12/3/2005  Hello ladies. I have been dating a pastor for the last six months. Initially, I thought he was everything I prayed for in a man. When I met him, he had just started his church. I began attending his church while also maintaining my relationship with my existing church. After a few months and some prodding from him, I joined his church. He wanted to keep our relationship from the congregation, as he doesn't believe they need to know until he is ready to announce an engagement. He has always talked to me as if I am "THE ONE", and spoken of a future toegether, but we have had several problems. We have broken up and gotten back together more times than I'd like to admit. I have had problems communicating with him and trying to overcome past hurts. He has had problems understanding my concerns over his relationships with women in the congregation. He borrows things from them, uses their automobiles, and personally handles situations with their children. I feel there are no boundaries in his relationships with these women, and I'm totally frustrated at his non-chalance about it. I am also concerned with his lack of time for me as the congregation grows. He is becoming so involved in the church that we spend no time together and he doesn't even call as much. Since the congregation isn't aware that we are dating, they see him as single. And, I think they approach him with inappropriate requests. I am constantly at battle over my role in the church and my relationship with him. I have been looking for counsel, but believe at this point our relationship can't be saved. I love this man and am hooked into his vision, but am already tired of the issues that I am facing. I believe I am strong enough to be a PW, but need his support and understanding to go forward. Reading your entries has given me more concerns about going forward... With this pastor or any other. I would be appreciative for any advice you can give.

Regarding every entry  12/5/2005  The one thing that I have noticed in every entry including my own is the repetition of "I, me and my". I have been a PW for two years and I already feel like I have seen it all. I could get myself so wound up in all that everyone else was doing to ME or MY husband or MY daughter. I would start our hour drive towards church and it seemed the closer we got to the church the lower my spirit would fall. I have suffered from church and close family and I have dealt with it so strong mentally that I have had crying spells that I simply couldn't control. Situation after situation would come so quickly without the one before it being resolved and I began to feel like I was caught in a storm. Mother couldn't or wouldn't help me. Father couldn't or wouldn't help me and so on. That's hard with church against and family too. Regardless of who is doing the hurt husband, church member or close family member, hurt hurts! My poor husband, all he could do was hold me cry after cry until the particular storm momentarily subsided. He would pray for me aloud as he held me. He would take me in his arms as a mother would take her wounded child with such tender love and care and lift me in prayer to the Lord and even with that the trials did not cease but it did comfort me for a while. Some Sundays it was all I could do to hold the tears back until benediction was given. I was being attacked from all sides and I was at the edge of my sanity looking at the rocks below. That's when God whispered in my ear, "It's in my word". One night, I picked up my Bible and began reading with purpose. God reveled to me that I was not left without a guideline. I was not here without instructions but I had to let go of "I, me and my" and seek Him in the midst of all the turmoil. I began to thumb through the Bible skimming this verse and that chapter. I didn't know just what I was looking for but I felt that there was something within those black covers that would give me some relief and then I stumbled across Psalms. Psalms 109 speaks of David being lied on "without a cause" and he continues by saying, "they have rewarded me evil for good and hatred for my love". Does that not sound like what some of us are going through? It happened then and it's happening now. I stopped in Isaiah 46 and read God's word on how he felt about idle gods. I realized that when I went to church Sunday after Sunday, those people were on my mind more than God. They were my focus and not my Heavenly Father. They were taken up Our time together in communion and worship. I was not giving Him my total praise and it was my fault not theirs. I couldn't get them out of my mind. I was too caught up in me, my and I. I know this is long and I'm trying to stop but it's addressed in the thought of praying in season and out of season. We must stay prayed up so that when there comes a time that we think we are too hurt to pray those prayers have already been lifted. Pray for YOURSELVES and those who are hurting you. Put on your armor, Put on your armor, Put on your whole armor, and then reinforce it with prayer and keep it on! We go to Heaven or the other place by our own doing and they are NOT worth it!

Victoria  12/8/2005  How do you know if you are called as a Pastor's wife? What if you married your husband before he became Pastor? I really am not cut out for this, how do you know if you are called, doesn't it not matter once you are married anyway, don't you just have to follow your husband anyway???? Please please please please someone answer this post.

Scared to Death  12/10/2005  I am 27 years old and grew up a deacons kid(DK)and my husband his finishing up with college and getting ready to enter the ministry. God has called my husband into the role we believe of being a music/associate pastor, which will not be as hard as a senior pastor. But I am still very scared and not happy about what God has called him to.As a deacons kid in a small church and since the pastor's kid were all grown up the attention was turned to all the deacons kids to set the example. I just wanted to be a kid and not have all the expectations that others put on me. Anyway I'm dreading becoming a pastor's wife and need a lot of prayer in order to accept and be ok with this position that God has called my husband and I into.
JayJay  12/11/2005  Hello Everyone, Rather interesting to hear your stories.I feel for you all and of course I ampraying for you. I am a pastor's wife of 25 years and some months ago God had called me to support pastors wives and women in ministry. I came across this site a couple of months ago and must say that I was amazed to find a lot of similarities in the treatment meted out to pastors wives.I am located in England but isn't it strange that irrespective of which part of the world we are the pressures of being a pastor's wife are still the same. One of my favourite lessons in the Bibe is the story of Joseph. Betrayed and sold by his brothers but God had a plan for his life. Remember that whatever you go through God is aware, there is a purpose for it all. The pit and prison won't last forever. You too willbe able to say one day, like Joseph " meant it for evil, but God meant it for good......."

faithfull  12/12/2005  Im a pionerring p.w..It's been already 0ne year since my husband was released for the ministry(again)This time we did nt leve the state we are pioneering in the same city that we grew up in and close to all our relitives. Help me and "talk to me somebody" How my husbands sisters go to church and claim that they are saved and doing Gods will. I need advice and prayer.. my husband and i have 4 children we struggle to make ends meet and my husbands works a full time job.Our money all gose to our church rent and all the bills beliving God for our needs to be met, wich they always do.. We are starting out we need their help my husband already told them how he feels. but they have not visited our church..They would always tell my husband that they would stand and belived in his calling .They started going to a big huge church then about 4 months latter we started our ministry. They and their husbands faithfully go to a different church and I get so mad(but dont say nothing) when they brag and talk about how much church activities this church has.They have even encouraged other members of the family to go.So many people have also questioned why they dont go to thir brothers church. I know that If I had a brother that when I was a sinner all he ever did was pray for me and talk to me about Jesus and prayed over my life and finnaly I get saved and support a million dollar Pastor knowing very well that a man of God my flesh and blood older brother needed my help and support I would go and help him after all thir moto has always been we are a "tight family".. Im get mad and I m not the same with them especialy times that I have to get together with them. my husband was very hurt he got over it but we have distenced our selves more and more from this so called "tight family". anyways I Love them but I rather and find my self doing and wanting to do special things for those few people that go sunday after sunday and belive in my husband..put your self in my shoes , Do you understand me and my hurt? tell me they are wrong in what they are doing or tell me to get a life....and help me to get over this.

Praying-4-you  1/4/2005  Dear Faithfull, Honey you may be asking for something you really don't want. I know we want the love of our families, but sometimes it can be more of a hinderance. You may spend alot of time trying to protect them for other church members or trying to handle family issues that begin to ooze into the church. Do you remember the story of Abraham and Lot. Abraham wasn't supposed to bring any family with him when God told him to go, and because he brought them look what happened. You may be getting ready to cause yourself big problems by trying to get them to go with you. Let them walk there own walk where ever they choose to walk it. They have to answer to God on how and where they walk their walk. Please know that God is in everything and sometimes we think it's people and it's not, God is organizing things the way that will work out best. God will bring in those that he want to be there, just let God do it and don't get in his way. (smile). I just told someone this , You have relatives and family, it may sound like one in the same but it's not. We have alot of people we our related to in one way or another but you don't spend alot of time with them. You also have family that you to deal with whether you want to or not. Ask God to help you let him build how he wants and that even means with you personally. Faithfull I hope that this helps you and who ever else needs this. God bless you and stay faithfull. (smile).

Picked out to be picked on  12/12/2005  I have been a pastor's wife for a little over a year now. My husband of 20 years pastored a church 8 years ago in Germany while serving in the military. We returned back to our home town and to the church that we both grew up in, there he served as associated pastor until a little over a year ago. I am very embrassed to admit that as a child of God I have become very discourage even to the point I just want to throw in the towel in this marriage and withdraw from using the gifts and talents I know God gave me. Our first experience as Pastor and wife was different than it seems to be at this time around. I am always hearing I am the Pator not You! You need to get into your rightfull place! I was so involved in the happens of our previous church, my husband seemed to trust and appreciate my opinions and support. I'm not sure if this was because things were ranned by the government and now they are runned by a group of power struggling crazy acting church folks! What ever the reason we have become at odds with each other about every little and nig thing. He doesn't share things with me, I hear about them for the members who think I already know. I have been apporached by members wanting clarification on something he said or did. But because of him seemly arogrant personality they are too afraid to question him so they bring the issues to me. Of chourse being the insider and outsider I see their point most of the time and have on several occasions went to my husband for clarifacation only to be shot down for even asking a question. On another occasion I have been shot down for not following protocal which was never a issue in our other ministry! I witnessed a couple of sister's misbehaving in choir rehearsal, so I appoached them as a group with my concerns and boy was that not a good ideal one of them quickly ranned to my husband the next morning via telephone and I've been dealing with that issue every since which happened over 4 months ago! The member is very popular in the church so therefore a group of her click partners are acting cold like her. And of chorse my husband beleives that I handled the situation the wrong way. The matter should have been brought to him instead of me trying to handle it! After all I am just the pastor's wife. I feel like I am just a big hipacrit on Sunday I sit smiling and praying for folks acting concerned when I can just scream from being so discourage. My huband will make comments that my wife can do this and my wife can do that when I sit knowing it's all a lie. I need a encouraging word and lots of powerful prayers in to stay strong and not grow weary in well doing.

Fayaglory  12/20/2005  I have been a pw for 11yrs, in 2 churches. I have experienced all of the above and thought of giving up everytime. However, God's grace and mercy kept me so i didn't let go. My most recent humiliating experience with church members accured in Oct.2005. I had been noticing a particular sister of our church since she became a member 3-1/2 yrs ago. Who, in my oppinion came on special assignment from hell to torment me. When i finally built up enough courage to approach her, in a meeting with my husband and three other members, they all turn against me and agreed that it was only my perception. That was the worst night of my life. Not so much that that the members didnot stand up for me, but my husband? This sister tried to give the impression that my husband was interested in her. When i asked him he always said no way, he has no interest in her whatsoever. and also because she had the opportunity to attend college and i did not, when ever i was called upon to speak, i would get all the looks, as if to say, "she doesn't know what she's saying". Fellow Shepherdess, i don't know how i am still married after all i've gone through. I fell so alone and inadequite. I am a house wife with four children 14, 9, 6,2. Can anyone assist me with some online tutoring? It is very shameful being the pastor's wife and unable to perform because of lack of knowledge. Please help me!!!

Butterfly   1/7/2006  Unfortunately in church there are always people whose number one priority is to make you feel bad and persecute you. I have personal experience with that myself. You do not need a tutor. who God sends he also qualifies. Do not let this woman come between you and your husband or you and your gift. Trouble does not last always as the song goes. Be strong in the lord and confident in yourself. Read and study God's word and let him minister to you. He is the greatest teacher that ever was or will be. Be prayerful and don't falter This woman will back off. God uses who he chooses and all of us are just ordinary people. God Bless. Use your time at home to beautify yourself spiritually and physically. There are women who become infatuated with ministers especially Pastors. But he chose you and you are his and he is yours. support your husband so the jealous ones can see they are not causing problems in your home which is what they seek to do. the devil is so mean.

Songbird  1/23/2006  I have not been able to be on the site do to travelling on family business and things like that. But I was touched by your entry. I know exactly what you are going thru. Whenever we came together with our Pastor as a group of Minister's, the meeting suddenly became about me. This happened on more than one occasion. Thank God that my husband has grown to the point whre he can honestly and truly see that the enemy was trying to come against our marriage. I have a wonderful marriage, but I am very open with how I feel and I can talk to my husband about a lot. The wonderful thing for me is that we always see the same things and are singing out of the same hymnal. I am sure it has been said somewhere that women, teenagers, and even other men, as well as older women take no shame in flirting or coming after the Pastor. Once we went on an outside service, and we usually stop afterwards to eat, and my husband went in and bought the food and came out and he had a plate specially made for him. I asked him where he got it from and it was from one of the married sisters in the church, who is probably not interested in my husband, but that is besides the point. If you can bring the pastor something that you can bring the wife some too. I simmered and pondered what my words would be and I told my husband I would return the plate to her when we got back. after getting back I went over to her car and I said thank you for bringing the food for my husband and I said something like you can bring some for me too next time. And that is what she has done. She has given me brand new pocketbooks, nice pieces of money. she sometimes blesses us with sausge. What I like about this woman is she will give $50 on a church trip/outing for the youth dept, and does not even want recognition. My point in all is that I could have approached her like my flesh wanted to but I handled it differently. Secondly, don't be concerned about schooling or being a housewife. The Lord made you what he wanted you to be. I didn't graduate High School and I worked and had a good job in Gov't until the Lord took me off. I drive a cadillac, not brand new but good enough to taked me to NY and back twice in one month. I have everything that I could ever hope for and I am thankful. People allow the devil to use them to make you unhappy. don't let them do that to you. there is so much I could tell you and I had to skip around, just know that If God be for you than he is more that the world against you. If you feel you have to get up to say something practice it at home or in your mind, det it down packed be poised and sure of youself. and most of all look straight ahead or find someone that is for you and focus on that individual, and if knowone is for you than know that the Lord is with you. Hold your head up, and handle your business. Don't let the enemy lay claim on you family.

L.B.  12/21/2005  I find it amazing that the role of pastor's wife is not clearly defined. Yet it is expected that we preform it with out error. It certainly is not an easy task to step in when your husband asks for your imput and then like a dance, step out when he feels you're too closely involved. It definately takes devine wisdom and some plain ol' common sense to maintain a healthy balance in it all. That's on a good day! On those good days I know I wouldn't be happy doing anything else with my life. That's how I know I'm called to it. On the bad days I try to remember how much God loves me. He sees all things and is a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him. Is it easy to share an undefined position with your husband? I don't expect it to be. I simply press on toward the prize of our high calling.I work to help as many along the way as I can and remember even in Jesus' time He healed the ten lepers and only one came back to say thanks. Look up sisters in the Lord and keep yourselves reminded our hope for all things is in Him.

JayJay  12/26/2005  Fayaglory, Victoria and fellow womenof God. Hang oninhtere. It is tempting to give up but that's what satan wants. You feel ou have come to the end of your rope tie a know hang on help is coming. God cannot fail. Weeping enures for a night joy comes in themorning. Night never lasts forever. Ladies I been a Pastor's life for 25 years and the sutrugges,concerns isolation it wouldappear goes with the territory. Fayaglory your situation is a commnon feature in most churchs. Quit frankly not all young ladies have Jesus on their mind when they come to church!!!Don't feel intimidated or indeed undervalued. You are of value and worth to your husband, the flock and your children. Walk with your head high and never look defeated or intimidated. Your husband chose you, he chose to marry YOU and YOU are his WIFE!! You may not have a college degree so what? neither did Jesus. A degree is great but intergrity is greater!!! You have done excellent and accomplished quite a lot to date, bringing up four children (what an achievement) supporting your husband, running a home and much more. Coupled with the above you are a VIPW (very important pastor's wife).Find time for your self amidst your busy schedule to spend time with God , time for grooming ,looking good and not letting yourself go. Broken-down if you are not yet married to this pastor and you are in so much pain should you be pursuing this relationship? Right now if you are dating you should be walking on cloud nine dreaming and planning your future together, not walking on egg shells. The right man would msake you feel safe,secure and loved and needed. Use your wisdom. To all you pastors wives God id not make a mistake when he called you. God is faithful and He will accomplish what he has called you to do.

Prayer Warrior  12/26/2005  It seems we have much in common. We all need somewhere to vent our frustrations like this site but we also need each other to pray for each and everyone of us and encourage each other. We all know that Jesus was really treated badly while he was here on earth so in a way I really feel if we choose to do his ministry how can we expect to be treated any better??? Wait don't be discouraged because God also promises to never leave us and he also promises to care for our every need. Yes as a pastor's wife I have been subject to much stress and hurt, but in the same token I have received many blessings too. I think if we focus our eyes and hearts on the Lord, he will take care of the everyday struggles and stresses. They won't just disappear, but he will make them managable. We all really need to practice the act of laying all our burdens at the cross of Jesus. I like to think that nothing ever happens to me that Jesus didn't know about and found a solution to even before I knew a problem existed. Venting is a great stress reliever and it is good therapy, but let us also encourage and lift each other up in prayer and also in responses. If we don't encourage each other who will??? Satan definitely doesn't want us to strengthen ourselves. Remember in unity there is strength. I love you all and I for one will start praying for all of you who post here and for all pastor's wives in the world. We need the support. Merry Christmas and many New Years blessings

help!!!  12/28/2005  hi, everyone. i've been a pastor's wife for almost a year now, and i find that i am having an extremely hard time embracing the role. i don't know exactly where i fit into the ministry therefore i've been pretty dormant in my actions. our membership is very small yet, so i don't feel the pressure of outside expectations, but my husband expects for me to minister to him and encourage him when no one else can. i don't always feel like being in this wholeheartedly which makes it difficult to be a blessing to him. i've also realized that he wants me to take care of everything at home, and i mean everything, so that he is free to do God's work. fundamentally i don't have a problem with that, but it is frustrating b/c i work fulltime and have a one year old. he will help if i ask, but it's as if i shouldn't be asking in the first place. he says that he feels so alone in the ministry, and i don't know how to get past my own feelings to really be of help to him. HELP!!

hurting badlyf of sound spiritual advice  12/28/2005  I was introduced this site about four months ago and I had a desire to seek help from fellow pw's. by telling my story. After much pain hurt and anguish, I have dediced to give it a try and hopefully someone will reply to me. I am currently separated from husbane who is a pastor of a church. We were married 2004, A month after were married he started the church, and then a month after that I found out I was preganant. I never wanted him to start the church right then, but of course he said God told him to right them. We are both in our mid twenties and have no idea about the fullness of marriage or ministry. I did not mind him eventually beginning a church, I just thought we needed some foundational time in building our marriage first. However, according to him, this was the will of God. Well alot took place in the church. I opened myself up to an older lady in the church about some of the things that were going on in my marriage. Why did I ever do that. Well gossip began flying, but I believe most of it was caused by my husband. He began having secret meetings about me with other members of the church. He told me that they brought my name up, but when it got back to me it was him the entire time trying to accuse me of trying to destroy his ministry. He even went as far as that in the past 8 years we dated that I always tried to destroy his ministry. To clear something up, this is the man I loved and adored. All I ever wanted him to do was prosper, and I hurt when he felt he didn't. I supported him when no one else was there. Even in high school when he didn't even have money for lunch because of his mother's bad parental care. I would provide with my very part-time minimum wage job. Besides all of that, I was eventually discharged from the church by him and his board members. There is so much more to this story but it would have to go in a book for any one to get the fullness of everything. Iwas preganant and depressed, because he tormented me daily. He would come in the house 2, 3:00am. Sometimes just in time to go to work the next day. When he was home we were either arguing or or he was binding rebuking the devil out of me. He came in one night late and said " the devil told me my house would be in darkness when he came in. Well from that night on I had to have at least one light on or the television. Well now we have a daughter and bitter-sweet news of a new baby on the way. We have gone to court over custody. I have not asked for child support because right after we separated he quit his job. the only reason I knew I was going to try to ask for support was to hurt him in his pockets like he hurt me. I am bitter, I am angry, I am hurt and I need some help. I am in between churches right now. My desire is to move from where we live and gain a breathe of fresh air. See new things and gain new experiences. With a new baby and a baby coming I don't see how I can, and my support is in my hometown. If anybody has any advice or can relate in any way pleas respond. I pray sometimes that our marriage be restored because I don't believe in divorce, but because of the hurt I endured I don't want to go back to a situation like that. So if you can help please help. If you can relate please let me know that you do. God bless each of you and pray that my husband will be the provider to his children as he should and take care of his family and that he comes to know God's true responsibility for him as a man.

psalm139  2/3/2006  Greetings in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Your entry touched me so. I am going to be in much prayer for you, your children, and your husband. May the Lord restore your family, and I hope that through your healing, you gain much wisdom and power in the Lord Jesus! I would like to talk with you. I am the wife of a pastor, and soon to be ordained. I don't know how we can do this but maybe God can work something out as far as getting in contact with you. You need some support. I really would like to help. Restoration for your family. This is what we need to pray for as well as healing the hurt and pain. May the Lord be with you, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Ruth  12/29/2005  I too go through lots of periods of lonliness and depression being a PW of 16 years. I have few friends, and no one that I can really open up to. My husband thinks our life is great and I should be ashamed of feeling this way. My kids get tired of dad being gone all the time and getting called away for emergencies. A lady in our church died on Christmas day and the family insisted that my husband be there with them. So, you can imagine how our day went. I pray often, try to move forward, but its so hard. I know the Lord will provide, but I'm not sure I can keep doing this forever. THis is not the life I imagined it would be. Does anyone live in the Indiana/Michigan area and would like to get together for support?

Praying-4-you  12/31/2005  Hello ladies; First of all let me say to all of you Happy New Year. I mean that,I hope that this will be a better year for you all. (smile). 4Jesus I'm glad that the scripture encouraged you. For the ladies that are going through some really tough times right now, remember that God loves you. Always take time to pray. Talk to God about everything. Make sure you give him time by just listen and not just you talking. I leave you with this. Isaiah 40:31 BUT THOSE WHO WAIT ON THE LORD SHALL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH; THEY SHALL MOUNT UP WITH WINGS LIKE EAGLES, THEY SHALL RUN AND NOT BE WEARY, THEY SHALL WALK AND NOT FAINT. I know it's not easy but we have to wait on God so we dont get in his way and mess up things for ourselves. Love &Blessings to you all. praying-4-you

shreedy  1/4/2006  To my dear Sisters in christ, I have read numerous entries and I pray that God will continue to encourage us. Life as a Pastor's wife is unique but, rewarding. We must continue to keep our heads lifted and our lives prayed up. Make God your first love and then your husband, kids and etc. Many of us are hurting but GOD will take our hurting and tears and restore us. When GOD created women he created something but when he took women and elevated her to a Pastor's wife, he created a unmovable force. May Christ continue to strenghten and keep you.

YPW  1/6/2006  I have some of the reponses. Mine is not a real big thing just need advice. My husband is a youth pastor for about a year now. We met in this church and in this very same youth group. We slowly became youth sponsors and when the old youth pastors left. My husband was hired. It has been very hard gaing respect from the older youth beacause they don't see my husband as the leader. They are now doing things that they know they shouldn't be doing (dressing pervocativley). We recently had a talk with them about this. That very same night one of the girls pulled her shirt very low so that my husband could see everything. My husaband didn't say anything because that night was their first warning. I am almost 100% sure she did it on purpose. I don't know if thier trying to test us. We told them after tonight we had shirts for them to were if they could not follow the rules. Of course this is for the girls who have been going there a while now and have committed their life to christ. I have made relationships with most of the girls, and i am pretty close to them. I guess there kids in every youth group who just want to test the water. If there any suggestions for what to do with these kind of youth.

Joy  1/10/2006  I have a response to us all, to Fayaglory and Victoria of 12/8/2005 first. I vividly remember watching my mother-in-law (she was a PW) before we were even engaged. I openly said, I can't do that. (My husband was in Seminary at the time.) The best thing happened and he has not changed his tune. He said, "I will never expect you to do what you don't want to do." I didn't feel called to be a PW. I felt called to be with my husband. During the last 16 years, I have learned that my calling as a wife is what holds him together at times. I through many trials and tribulations have found my calling in the church. To Fayaglory, I remember a time when my husband took the side of his staff over me and I let him know that I would not put up with that. He could ask me about issues but I have always stayed by his side and always talked to him privately if we disagreed. I expected the same respect simply because I am his wife. The issue of your not being "educated" as these other women doesn't make you less a person. I know people with education that can't see God's light right in front of them. You stand tall because you are God's child and in the end that is all that will matter. Remember, it is only when you internalize and believe it to be true that it can hurt you. That is why we need friends outside of the church. They can see us for who we are and give us constructive opinions. I sound like I think I know it all. I DO NOT!! I stick my foot in my mouth all the time. I have done things that my husband shakes his head at and I have to fix. BUT I have learned that I can only be in God's will and pray that others forgive me when I mess up. And if they don't, that is between them and God. LASTLY and I THINK MOST IMPORTANTLY, here is my thoughts on why "they" attach us. They can't attach the Pastor. (Now don't get me wrong, some do. But if we are talking in generalizations as it seems the question keeps coming up as.) They see the pastor as the keeping of spiritual matters and that may be coming to close to God. BUT it is okay to be petty with the next best thing. And to top it off, some of them just want you have. THE MAN!! (Remember they don't see him sitting on the couch with the channel changer when he is home!) Look for the JOY! That is the only way to survive! Then PRAISE God that He gave you those people who send the cookies at Christmas and just hug you when you didn't even know you needed one.

SUPPORTIVE  1/16/2006  My husband is now in the process of getting the church organized to bring in people to the Lord. He is teaching his staff what they have to do to draw people to the Lord. Sometimes I feel left out. What can I do has a first lady to help my husband? He does not need me in certain areas in the church because he has who want there. Your advice will be greatly appreciated.

call to reality  1/17/2006  Here's an a Pastor's Wife(PW) we are called to a higher standard, and we need to keep ourselves in check. First answer to God's checklist before you focus on pleasing church members. (1) Many today call themselves christians just because they entertain a good idea. Many in this world are called to be children of God, but the ones that act and make a purposful decision to sacrifice their fleshly nature and follow a TRUE and LIVING God are the few that are chosen. Look at it this way...if you have three birds in a cage with the door left open...and lets say that one decides to fly away to freedom, how many are left behind? Three... just because the one bird had a good idea dosn't mean he acted on it. Do you have an honest, intimate, and giving relationship with Jesus? (2) Ask yourself if you strive to meet the Word's(God's) discription of a rightious woman. Look up the qualifications for woman of God in the scriptures... those are some pretty difficult shoes to squeeze into and none of us can match it fully. The important thing is that we strive to every day. (3) Do you understand the concept of marraige...he is not to fullfill your every need and desire... try catering to him more and trying to see situations through his perspective in situations before you give up on having a healthy marraige. If you do, he most likely will notice, appreciate and be willing to model the change. If you meet these listed above and your pastor husband still seems distant and spends little time with you and the family, then there needs to be either personal couseling for him, marraige counseling for both as a couple, or he is flat-out being unfaithful to you or God. I guess...I'm merely asking all the PWs out there to search themselves with the revealing and healing Word of God before you give up! I have been a Pastor's Wife for almost five years and have had my times of loneliness, greif from our church members, major financial problems, but these times are always overcome when my husband and I focuse on maintaining our priorities, and strive to lead God's people with love, understanding, and the TWO-EDGED SWORD.

enoughisenough  1/25/2006  This a heartfelt cry, a cry of desperation, a cry of is anybody there, help. Been with hubby almost 25 years, been in ministry most of that time It has been a journey, how do you deal with a minister who is very friendly with ladies and calls it that is who I am, I can't help it if they come to me for help. He has been emotionally too close for comfort with some of them, writing e-mails and text messages. Confronted him several times which has led to argument, he keeps saying there is nothing going on and I am reading too much meaning into things. I am tired and don't even want to talk about the issue anymore though I am unhappy. Past 4 years has been terrible. Why do I stay, the children love their dad to bits and I know it will hurt them badly to see us divorce. He said he will try and reduce the closeness but I am not sure if I can trust him again. He said that I am bitter and resentful and need to forgive. I have prayed to forgive and release him then the cycle continues, doesn't know where to draw the line, phone calls, text, e-mails etc. He has been accused in time past of misappropriate behaviours by certain ladies in the church, of course this he denies. It is an independent ministry so no one to report him to. People just simply left and we have had to rebuild the church again and again He refuses to take any secular work so I have to support the family, with 4 children in higher education because ministry has always been small and he doesn't manage money properly. He also has a bad temper, sometimes we have watch his mood to know what to say when he is around. When he is good, he can be good but when he is bad, he is nothing but a monster. I am tired and have lost respect for him, I don't love him anymore, I just pretend now. He keeps telling me he loves me so much, but how can you love someone, yet you treat them badly. Trust me I have prayed. Some of my friends said I should just leave, my only concern is my kids, how will it affect them. Of recent I have had a pull to start an independent women ministry, he refused, he said God has called us together and if I want to do anything it should be under the church, because of this I have had to put it on hold till maybe God will touch his heart, he is very controlling and he will dominate everything. I truly feel I am in a prison, just to make money to pay bills and fulfil the status co of this minister being married.

There Too  2/20/2006  I too have felt the fellings you have expressed and have often felt guilty and hurt of my suspecions. I have found that women are very attentive to a man (our husbands) who are sensitive to their concerns and will listen to them. It is very difficult for me to accept my husband's expressions of "brotherly love" to women other than me, however, search the scriptures you will find that God expects us to love one another as we love Him. I know that the news is full of fallen pastors. If heaven has had fallen angels, why do we feel our husbands are beyond falling from God's will. It is not God's will that we do not build our relationships with our husbands over and over. It is not God's will that we should hurt. It is not God's will that we are not able to overcome these feelings of being left out. Many times God gets credit for something He has not done. There is a book out entitled "Hedges" that I have shared with my husband as well as other men in the church who have been in positions of responsibility that could create relationships with the opposite sex. Read it. It is even on DVD. I have often been in the place that I could not pray what my feelings were because I felt God was punishing me for some reason that I didn't recognize. Remember that he will not give us any more than we are able to deal with. I have read the prayer from "The Praying Wife" countless times because I just didn't know what to say to God for myself. God strengthens me daily. He will you too. It is not man we serve, but God. I think that is where women who allow this to happen to them are confused, they feel that the relationship they share with their pastor will not go any farther than "brotherly love". Affairs usually don't happen with strangers. I am praying for you to be strong, and for your husband to realize the tremendous responsibility he has to his own family before he starts trying to manage his church family.

In His Service  2/23/2006  My dear sister in Christ...this has got to be a Holy Spirit orchestrated connection! I have literally not been on this site in YEARS!!! Yours is the last post on this page and it appears no one has responded. I praise God He chose me to share some things with you. On February 5th 2006, my pastor husband was in the hospital recovering from a mild heart attack wherein he had to receive 3 stents. Another will be put in on this Friday Feb. 24th. On that Feb 5th Sunday morning, he asked me to speak in his place before our small congregation of 120 people. The topic of my message? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Little did I know what freedom, blessing and revelation would come to the congregation and to me personally. We have been married for 16 years (10 as pastors of a nondenominational ministry. We were previously married with other children, however, we have one daughter together who is 15. My husband, plain and simple is a controller. I have been very passive and have rarely confronted him about his attitude, his lack of attention to me or our daughter or his self centered and selfish behavior. I have not had to battle the "other women" issue, but just as damaging is his emotional abuse and total lack of regard for my feelings and needs. The kicker is, he has experienced the grace of God on his life and in spite of a horrible drug addicted background, God saved him, cleaned him up and gave him the awesome opportunity to plant a church with people that pastors dream about. They are WONDERFUL. They love him (at least the person they see on Sunday). I have a good education and God has blessed me with the gift of communication and hospitality. I am valuable to God, to the ministry and to my husband. Of course, he rarely expresses it and orders me around like a little child. This is the good part. God has set me free. Make no mistake, I am still a work in progress, but the light bulb FINALLY came on. You see, after my husbands release from the hospital and after everyone in the church began to share with him how blessed they were by the message, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, his attitude was more sour than ever. He was rude, non communitive and downright ugly for the past two weeks. He slept in the guest room for no reason. I thought maybe the health issue scared him. Of course, he roundly criticized me for speaking the words "heart attack" and chastised me for calling his doctor for clarification on the discharge orders. Obviously, I must not "be walking in faith". Give me a break. Anyway sister, it gets better. During his absence from our bed (with me crying every night and trying to figure out what "I" had done wrong), God literally arrested me on my knees and led me to Isaiah 61:3..."I will give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of PRAISE for the spirit of heaviness (depression)" Sister, it was like a ton of bricks lifted. I began to praise the Lord and that heavy spirit left. Mind you, my circumstances had not changed, but "I" HAD CHANGED!! I began to seek God for wisdom on what to say to this man. The Lord gave me boldness to speak words to him last night that I had NEVER spoken. I knew eventually he would want to climb back into bed and expect things to be business as usual. For the first time in our marriage I confronted him with the truth and I WAS NOT AFRAID. I told him that he had left our marriage bed and put me through emotional hell and I would not submit to his touch until we talked. He was stunned. I went to sleep. I am floating...I am free from fear of his disapproval. I told God "Lord I am getting out of your way. Do what you will and prepare me for what lies ahead." What am I saying to you. I am saying that God is thoroughly not pleased with how some of his sons are treating his daughters. Our father God will lead you sister in what your next step will be. There may be a separation, there may be strong words that must be spoken in truth, but the truth will MAKE you free. Free yourself and get out of God's way. God bless you and I will be praying for your family. In His Service.

lost in appalachia  3/23/2006  My heart bleeds as I read your posting. The thing is, sister, where there's smoke there's fire. A man who's too friendly with the ladies, gets defensive when confronted and has been accused by others as being inappropriate has all the benchmarks of actually doing something wrong, whether he admits it or not. Sounds like his temper and mood swings may be the result of a guilty conscience. I am so sorry you are going through this. I will be lifting you up in prayer. In the meantime, let me tell you this as a woman who has gone through a divorce: I stayed for seven years because I was worried about the kids, too. That is until someone counselled me that I was teaching my kids about how to let people treat them. They said my daughter would think it was okay to be treated this way by a man and that my son would think it was okay to treat women that way. They told me that the best way to help my kids was to teach them how to stand up for themselves by making a stand in my marriage. I wouldn't suggest divorce right away, but maybe your husband will come to his senses when he faces the reality of losing his family. If he hasn't been unfaithful physically, he certainly has been unfaithful mentally. If your kids are old enough, talk with them and pray with them about their father's weakness and make sure you can encourage them to show him grace. When I got to that point, I packed his bags, called his sister to arrange a place for him to stay and when he got home from work, explained that I couldn't live that way anymore and until he admitted what he was doing, repented and got help, he wasn't welcome to come home. Unfortunately, my husband did not repent, we ended up divorced. But I know I did the right thing for my children. They were so much more relaxed without his eruptions of temper in the house. But if your husband really loves the Lord, you and the kids, he will repent and will be a better man, father, husband and minister because of it. Meanwhile, pray that God gives you a heart of forgiveness for him. Time apart will heal you considerably. I pray your family will be reconciled -- It sounds like you're already separated even if you're living under the same roof. In the Bible, Paul refers to "turning over to Satan" people who had been unfaithful in the hopes that they'd be brought to repentance. This sounds like a similar circumstance.

Just checking  1/28/2006  Really not sure just yet if I want to write what's on my mind, sometimes I'm not sure if I could even expalin what I feel or if it would make any sense to anyone. I would like to ask you to pray for me. I've been a P.W for almost 15 years. It's been the best times of my well as a nightmare! =0) The good always out weights the bad though. Right now, I'm dealing with depression for some reason, nothing seems to make me happy. I pray and pray - I'll feel great for a day or two and then right back here. I grew up in a christian home - working in the church has always been a part of my life - what makes me happy. That doesn't seem to be how it is right now. I question my forgivness and everything and anything in my life that concerns God. I don't know what's wrong. I feel I have made so many mistakes....some on purpose...that God will never fogive me. Is it really true, God forgives us over and over - He never gives up on us and is always there? The fear I have over this question honestly scares me to death!

Ree  1/30/2006  I am the wife of a senior Pastor, we have been in ministry for 16 years. He has struggled our entire marriage with Porno. We have been to counceling and things were going great and then we moved to a small town and have had struggles in oour new church for the last three years. During that time he has struggled on and off. Then this last nine months have beena severe struggle to both of us emotionally and mentally and yes spiritually with our church, and I have found out from him that he has fallen many times in regards to videos, thoughts and internet. I feel that we are through in our ministry, how can we councel others when our own marriage is so messed up, he has a real call of God on his life, I know that for a fact and his only desire is to be in ministry, that is all he has ever wanted to do since the day he was saved. Now we are at a real crossroads in our ministry and I am not sure what to do, he wants to break the chain that binds him, but yet he has done that before and it gets wrapped around him all over again. I am just really spent. I love my husband, he is a wonderful man other than this problem, but I do not know how much more I can take.

saint  2/1/2006  Hi, my name is saint right now and I am married to a pastor and it is tough. He is getting the church together and at this point i feel left out. What can I do to be supportive and not be upset and arguementative too much. He has been pastoring for 12 years and I am still trying to act like we have a regular marriage, if you know what I mean. Please give me some advice. Thank you.
2/2/2006  I would like to know if their are any types of support groups for women whose husbands are in the ministry, but have had very devastating things happen to their ministry? What I am trying to say is that my husband was a youth pator at a small town church and he became involved with one of our youth, she was 16 years old. Her family pressed charges against my husband and I have since forgiven him and i know God has forgiven him, but he was sentenced to 7 years in prison on Tuesday. This has challenges our faith, devastated our marriage, and divided our community. I just want to know if their are any avenues that i can look into for myself and for his family. If this will help you to track down anything, we live in NE Mississippi. Thank you for looking into this matter for me and for our family.

saddened  2/4/2006  I've read just the last page of entries and my heart has been broken for the pastor's wives who have been so wounded in so many various ways--and yet there's so many similar stories. Though my story is a bit different from the ones I've read today, I can put myself in the shoes of so many and I teared up as I read. I've been a pastor's wife for almost nine years and grew up as a preacher's kid. There was nothing I wanted more, growing up, than to do what I am doing today. This, however, doesn't negate the fact that ministry is hard, because life is hard, because Satan hates God and the teaching of His Word, and he hates God's people. I have served while suffering for many years with an eating disorder which has robbed my life and the life of my family in so many different ways...and yet, it has been the very thing that has brought me close to our church family. Because I choose not to pretend that all is well and I choose to let people know that I struggle JUST LIKE THEY DO, and my husband allows our struggle to be supported by our entire church body, we have become so close and the love we have for one another is real. My heart goes out to the many pastor's wives who have a church family who treats them more like an enemy than a dear sister in the Lord--the people in our congregations need to know we are real people who love the Lord, but have real struggles--and we need to be honest enough to let them know it. Satan loves it when we live our lives in secrecy. Any other pastor's wives out there with eating disorders? or any other secret issue they think they could never reveal? I'm so proud of the pastor's wife who was able to confess her affair to others. There's a woman of real courage. God bless you.

workinprogress  2/7/2006  Wow to all the above! I am recently reading much of what has been written here. My ministry experience is rich and long. God is such a good God. I too have been discouraged, displaced and at times just felt that the wilderness was overwhelming. Wilderness experiences with ministers wives are often overlooked and swept away as places we should not go. Unfortunately, we are human and we experience some things (at times worse) than those who are not in ministry. My husband had an affair 10 years ago. The pain was so intense, I thought I would not survive it! It took 5 years before we would even sing in public again. The past 5 years have been a wonderful learning experience for us both. We were involved in music in a large church, but not in pastoral ministry for that 5 years as we waited on God to show us what to do. We took time to fall in love all over again. I didn't love him 10 years ago and he had transferred his to someone else. I am living proof that with God all things are possible. We reentered ministry 2 years ago. A small rural church with 30 people that has grown to 100. Please, I can't say this enough, (my husband is trained as a social worker and pastor) get help! The body of Christ is rich with caring loving counselors that are private and they do it for reduced fees for those who cannot afford it. During that horrible wilderness time, our counselor was absolutely wonderful. She helped us BOTH to see the problems. Sometimes we get too caught up taking care of others and don't work on ourselves. You cannot minister without being ministered to yourself. When he fell off the pedestal my husband had a great fall. It hurt him spiritually and physically. Sin is a destructive force. I fell too. We have been so cautious now not to judge others in Christ too harshly. The main things is.... pw's are just like all the rest. We are not immune to anything. Please do not remain in any relationship that is abusive without seeking council. Trust me, it happens to minister's wives just as it does to other women. The great thing about the wilderness.... .God always brought His people out. For Jesus it was only 40 days....for the Children of Israel...40 years. It depends on you. Take charge of your life. Let God lead you. He wants is not by the power of your might but His.

Amy  2/7/2006  My husband and I are planning to start having children soon. As a nurse and maybe a little of a germiphobic, one of my worries is about everyone wanting to hold my baby. Recently a lady in oru church had a premature baby. Two days afterwards she had the baby at church. Everyone rushed to get a glimpse and hold the young infant. One lady, without even asking, got the baby and began to kiss and talk/breathe right into the child's face. I could not help but imagine that they'd likely do the same thing to our baby. I cannot even handle the thought! Is it ok to tell people they can't hold your baby? How in the world do you say that kindly, without offending. Every pediatrics class I ever took and in every hospital setting, professionals are advised to teach people to wash their hands, not get in babies faces, etc. But the general public maybe do not realize (or care) about that. Someone help!

Tired  2/8/2006  I married a pastor when I was 19, he was 20....that in itself has to be a sin. How can people that are so young know anything about leading a church? Over the years our biggest problem has been with money (or lack thereof). To make matters worse, my husband has no clue when it comes to money management, and I am not much better. We have been married for 25 years now, and he has pastored all of those 25 years. There has been much sacrificed in this health insurance most of the money for dentists....on and on and on....but what I am so tired of is people of the churches looking at us like we are criminals when we can't pay a bill on time. The very ones that keep our salary low are the ones making the accusations...I have always felt inferior to most people in the church because of this. My husband is a great preacher, and a good heart breaks because I know how God wants to use him if only my husband could get this one issue under control...He had to leave one church because he misused a church credit card....this mortified me. I live in constant fear that this issue could resurface at our present church. Does anyone else live in this fear? Is anyone else tired of living in fear?

Phyllis  2/10/2006  I was a pastor's wife for l8 years and am currently writing a book on domestic violence. I would like to hear from pastor/minister's wives who have dealt with this issue and would like to share their story to benefit other women. All information would remain anonymous.

Content  2/12/2006  This being my first time on these boards, I will tell a little about myself. My husband and I have been in the ministry for 15 years. He has been a bivocational pastor, full time pastor and we have completed two years in missions. Although I have not had time to read all the posts, the ones I have read have been like reading my own journal entries! My heart goes out to each one of you. I was just reading a passage out of "My Utmost for His Highest" from Oswald Chambers. It touched my heart. I have been asking the Lord to allow me to be a blessing to other Pastor's wives. When I finished my devotions, I was impressed just to do an internet search on discussion boards for Pastor's wives. Here I am! Oswald was speaking in today's devotion about being drained by other believers because they don't know how to rely on God yet. He admonishes that we MUST remain close to the Lord to be able to give anything to anyone. I have struggled so much through the years. Finally it dawned on my one day: I was created to have fellowship with the Creator. I can go days or weeks on end without even speaking to Him! Even when I "do my devotions", I can completely leave Him out of the process. Until I begin to get to know my Lord and miss Him when I did not seek Him, I was miserable! Could it be sisters that much of o ur misery is because we are seeking what we so desire everywhere but with Christ? If we are created with a desire to be with Christ and we neglect our relationship, how can anything bring us joy? When we put our failed marriages, spiteful church members, all of life trials at the feet of Jesus - They look so small. Compared to what he endured for us, we truly endure little. I am not a spiritual rock. I was not raised in a Christian home, I have suffered depression and poor health, been verbally abused by church members and I am currently in counseling along with my husband to save our nearly 20 year marriage. I just know that since I have decided to worry about nothing except my relationship to my Lord, all of life seems easier. My furnace is out, my washer just died, one of our precious children is going through a particularly tough time. I just a had a friend commit suicide. The devil knows my week spots. There would have been a time when these things would have finished my off! But somehow when I look at them through the eyes of Jesus, they look different. I was very lonely one day and Jesus spoke to me from His word. I opened the Bible only to have the pages slide open to another spot. It was where Jesus was alone in the Garden and even his closest disciples could not stay awake through his anguish!! He has been lonely. He has been treated unfairly. He knows what physical pain feels like. He knows how to love so much only to be rejected or betrayed. He knows about grief. Focus only on Him and your relationship with Him. I know the diapers still have to be changed, the dinner cooked, the phone answered, etc. Somehow those things become a joy when we are doing them because the Creator of Heaven and Earth wants us to!! What a priveledge to serve him. I don't even know you all but yet I have a love for you. I pray His peace will enter your hearts and minds. I encourage you to read and discover Phillipians 4. Your sister in Christ.

Newbie  2/12/2006  Hi, I'm new to this board but am looking for some help! I've been an assistant pastor's wife for about two years now and am really struggling. I work two jobs (one full, another part time) to help my husband with massive student and credit card debt that he brought into our marriage, and when I come home in the evening, I'm exhausted. I also have a long history of depression. My husband is completing his doctorate and works a 20 hour week as a community pastor. The problem is that my husband wants me to be really involved in ministry as well. I lead an outreach ministry on the weekends, am involved in small group, assist with newcomer ministry/neighbourhood evangelism, and try to help out where I can - but my husband constantly criticizes me for "having a tired look" or "not being the fun person I married" or "not giving as much attention to his friends as I do to mine", as well as being upset when sometimes I need to say "no" to the next person he wants to have over for dinner. We typically have 2 dinners or so a week with couples. I don't want to divorce, but I really can't take it any more and have no idea what to do. I'm on antidepressants and we've been to marriage counselling, but it only helps so far. Any suggestions?

2/15/2006  Hello -- I haven't read everything here, but for some reason I don't think I'm the only one with this problem. Allegiance to yourself, or to your husband ---or????My problem: My husband is the pastor of a small church, 4 years old. We dated for many years and he was unfaithful to me. We've been through many arguments, so I just assumed that once we were married he'd know that the foolishness must be put aside and I believe the extracurricular relationships have ceased over the past year since we have been married. However, one of the women from his "relationships' joined his church before we were married. Since then, it's been a living hell for me. She treats me nicely as if she's a friend of mine, but I think she has no integrity and should not be there. He tried to put me off, but I continue to find things of her's (pictures--nude), cards, etc. from before we were married from their relationship --which he says ended a long time ago, but then I realized again, that's he's lied. So of course, I'm not feeling her at all. She's at the church everytime the doors open, makes sure to dress in a manner that I know is pleasing to him --and since our marriage he's made a leader in various and crucial aspects of the church. Many of our youth love her as much as they adore me and oftentimes I feel as though I'm in competition. Unfortunately enough I am transparent as if something stinks to me, my face always shows it --so he's upset with me right now because I refuse to 'let it go'. He's also bothered because others in the church have picked up on the fact that I don't have any conversation for her. I'm fine as long as I don't speak to her because I can ignore her well ---but others are picking up on it and he's upset with me because of it. Our marriage is on the edge of divorce as he says he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I have to do what's in the best regard for the 'church' and I'm not. Our home life is basically non-existent (was before this ---even more pronounced now) as we are in this vicious cycle in which we love each other for 2 weeks and then he's mad about some occurence at the church in which I gave the 'screw face' while sitting in service, or didn't speak to her afterwards. Have I mentioned I don't feel I have to? She's causing a disturbance in my marriage ---which in turn is causing a disturbance in the church. What do I do? He won't listen to counsel of his parents(also pronounced church leaders) or sumbit for counseling. Thanks for listening.

womanoffaith  2/17/2006  Wonder if anyone out there has had people in the congregation turn on you? Say things that weren't true...lie about you and your husband? Talk to other Pastors about you? If so, how did you deal with all the hurt and betrayal you feel when you lay your life down for the very people who can harm you the most? How do you learn to trust people? I don't want to be angry or offended. And I definitely don't want to stay hurt. I love our people....we are called to our why do sheep bite?

HandmaidenoftheLord  2/27/2006  Any one feel more like a Pastor's widow than his wife? I can't stand it. He works a full time job, where he is the manager, and he Pastors a small church. He is almost never home. He is gone all day and all night. He runs people that work for him all over. People that are drunks, drug addicts etc. and have no desire for God. They do not want to change, but boy when they want something they call my husband. He will take them where ever they want to go and then wait for hours for them or go back and pick them up. He has a cell phone so even when he is home it is always ringing. My children never see him except at church when he is preaching and maybe one night a week. Once in a blue moon he'll be home two nights, but usually only for a few hours. My littlest child cries when ever daddy leaves because he is never sur e when he will see him again. He does not pray with us, lead us in Bible study. When I ask him he says we have church. GReat so my 3 yr old thinks we should only pray in church because that is what he sees daddy do. I pray with the kids every day and we talk about God, but the only time from daddy is at church. He is gone so much. He tells us we are selfish. He threatens to close the church because of us and tries to lay a guilt trip etc. says we can't handle it, we need to repent.etc. I am about ready to walk out of the church. Does Christ expect us to hurt our families for his name sake? What kind of witness does this show our kids? Yes , I know that Jesus said if we love family more than Him we were not worthy of HIm, but does that mean we leave our families to them selves? I am so angry right now. God forgive me, but he is running yet another person and he is nhot home again, and he told us he would be home tonight. Always something. He gives more time to people who are uninterested in God. He keeps going to the same dead beats over and over, and they know he will drop whatever he is doing for them all the time. It makes us feel like he wants to be gone. My teenager said he does not care anymore if his dad comes home or not. my teenager has not really had his daddy most of his life, and now another child will go with out daddy too. He is three and he wants his dad but almost never gets him. Is this what God intended? I am almost ready to call his bluff and let him close the church, or walk out myself. I am expected to watch the three year old , lead song service and teach S.S. He does not even watch the 3 yr. old while he expects me to lead song service! I need prayer, prayer, prayer. I hate the day my husband decided to become a Pastor.It seems like his family does all the work and sacrificing.

Sad and Counfused  2/28/2006  I am a 35 yo man who is a father of two wonderful children and am married to a pastor who leads the college group at our church. Our marriage has been rocky for some time and I have felt lonesome and isolated for a long time & my wife has too. Wanting to just take a break, I went out with friends a few weeks ago and asked my wife repeatedly to join us. She did not. In all honesty, I went out drinking and did nothing innappropriate; no loss of self control, no flirtation, etc. However, my wife, the pastor, ended up getting drunk with one of the college guys in our group and they kissed. She told me that was all they did and I really want to believe her. I'm devestated. I intend to make our marriage work and pray that God can work a miracle here. That he can help us to reconnect and grow our hearts together again. She says she feels numb. I know that answer to my question but I want to hear it from other people. I believe she needs to step out of ministry for a time. It is going to kill her and I am afraid of what it will do to us but I believe that is the right thing. However, I am having a really hard time. Please let me know if I am right.

Melody  2/28/2006  Hello all, It's been quite some time since I've been on the website. Since then, I've had a lot going on. Where do I start? Well, since the last time, I found out that my husband "the Pastor" was unfaithful to me, and possible has fathered a child. I'm waiting on the results now. Needless to say, that I was devastated. The problem I had a nd is still having is that he thinks that I should have been over it the next day. I can't feel bad or even look like it's bothering me. So what I have to do is BEG God to help me. I want to cry, but I can't. I need to just talk it out, but the only person I can talk to besides God is him. I can't talk to anyone else because the only people that know is us and the person he slept with. I still love my husband, and I would never do anything to hurt him or the ministry. I wanted to run, but there was nobody to run to. I pray everyday for God to help me because I don't want HATE to set in. I am asking for all the prayers I can get because this is hard, especially when the only person I can talk to is the person that hurt me badly.

Dee  3/2/2006  I am so worried. My husband and I moved to a different city to start a church. I do not feel like I am ready. I mean with the family that we have coming to bible study and then helping them with their marriage is all overwhelming to me and draining. My highest worry is that my husband does not act holy at home. He listens to secular music alot and I mean bad secular music. Alot of secular tv with the immoral jokes and bad stuff. And he thinks there is nothing wrong with it. I am so depressed in my spirit. Do I really have to follow him with this mess. I get to tired and worn down about it. He listens to blues, scualr love songs its horrible. I do not know how to handle it. Do I just shut my mouth and keep submitting and following. I mean I am at wits ends hear. Somebody please help!

MLPW  3/5/2006  I am worn out. I have loved being a pastor's wife for most of our 20 year marriage, but have experienced deep hurt in the last two years. I find myself fantasizing about running away from it all. I have a wonderful college education, but very little experience in the "real" working world since I gave everything up to help fulfill my husband's call. And now I am in my 40's. He seems content but I am not. I am sick of struggling financially when all my friends (and now those younger than me, too!) have bigger and better houses, cars, etc...I am fully aware that all of this is worldly, but I am beaten down and wondering if all the sacrafice I have made has been worth it. I wish I had married a successful, godly businessman and just been a vounteer at church. I don't want to bail on Christ or my family, I am just sick of the sacrafice. My husband is fine with his lot in life which is a mixed blessing. He really is a wonderful, wonderful person but I do wish he were more successful in the "wordly" sense of the word.

Promise of Life  3/9/2006  What is the role of a Pastor's wife anyways. Me and my husband were youth pastors when our Senior Pastor fell into sin and the Board asked my husband to step up as interim. My husband did so until we all heard from God who would be the next pastor. Well after a year of interim, we and the board knew God had called my husband to be Senior Pastor. Now the people that we worked aside with would now be under our leadership. I would be told by my husband to make sure those in charge of vbs would clean up after so the next morning church would look good for new guests. The other leaders got mad saying I should not be telling them anything at all. My husband put me in charge while he was at his other full-time job, just to make sure the church was in order. We have now been in the postion for a year and a half and many obstacles and storms we have gone through. I am confronted and hated if I say anything about any area at church, and if I don't I am not serving as pastor's wife. I really don't know where I fit in. When my husband was interim I ran youth ministry by myself for a year hoping and praying for a replacement so I could minister along side my husband. I have had a two month break and people now accuse me of not "serving". I am still active in Greetings Ministry and also Women's Ministry. What is our role anyways!!!!

lastresult  3/10/2006  It always helps to know that you are not alone.Married 16&1/2/ys pastoring 11 long years.11 out of 11 years my husband has been having an afair with God's women her name is THE CHURCH. All our money, his time and his energy goes to THE CHURCH and the church people.I am so sick and tire of the church I could scream.My story is TOO long so you will have to by the book.But before the ministry began my wonderful husband loved me. He worshiped me he spent time with me,he looked at me , he was concerned about me. He held me, he held my hand, he hourned me, he protected me, he provided for me. he was always there for me.He treated me like I was the ONLY LADY on earth.He made me feel safe and securied.But now,He could'nt care less.As a result of his dicissins to provide for God's women THE CHURCH and ALL of her bills. We litarly lost every thing we owned.We went for a 15 room house to a trailor park. And the people continued to laugh and talk about us,use an abused us , called us everthing but... Then they turn around and left. It has been a rough roard with one magor strom after the other.We have already lost everyhting, my children have suffred enough, even put into a place where they slept on thr floor of our home to make room for church folke & their family members.When they all got on their feet we wern't good enough to pastor them any more.For the past 11&1/2 yr I stood by my man, i did everything in my power in working behind the scenes to make sure he ALWAYS looked good.I did the administration, sing & played the keyboard,Lead P&W,formed the chiors, women's minisrty, out reach & don't for get still cleaning the church,you mame it I've done it, and I still get over looked and left out.All I asked for was some of his time.Yet he is ALWAYS too bussie when it come to me , he's too tired, he's wacthing the game on TV., he talking on the phone with one of the saints, he's visitng the hosptial, or the prison. He is too bussine & to broke to even take a vacation with me. Every time I ask him to take a break there is ALWAYS somthing comming up at the church or "I don't have no money". That did it; I'm going on vacation next month by my slef, but I don't plain to EVER come back.Please, please pray for me because right now I can't even pray because the only man I have ever truly loved, for the past 19 years has hurt me so deeply.Right now I want out. Please pray for God to intervene or I won't be back. lastresort

doormat  4/5/2006  I have been married 20 years of which after 10 years my husband went back to school to become a pastor, I quit my very good job and we moved to different states so he could become a pastor. Now just after three years of being a pastors wife, I feel like you do. The church rules our lives, it rules our time, and all the church members are the first to be served. If there is anything that anyone needs and calls and asks my husband for help he is there. If our children have some activity and he has to do something with them, it is a bother because he has church. Somedays, I want to leave so I go to see my sister several hours away or get out of town. I understand the pain that goes with these feelings. Just remember to never let this affect your relationship with God. He is always their for you and pray like I do and remember Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your Heart. It is my favorite.

inpain  3/18/2006  I want out of this.Does anybody else want out. Myhusband is getting ready to go to another church. I have been through hell with two churches. I have nothing left to give. I have been in counseling and on meds. I was even hospitalized once. Help.

Practical Minded Living  3/19/2006  I recommend to any couple who are first starting out in ministry, please consider that there are always church positions available for various associate pastors. To start out in ministry with the very heavy weights associated with the senior pastorate is really too much for any family new to ministry to bear. While my husband is a senior pastor now, he served for nearly a decade under senior pastors at large churches. He was able to observe first hand how a senior pastor serves and directs. He not only learned positives, but learned how to steer away from many pits that he saw senior pastors fall into. We had a good salary and benefits. We were strenthened by our successes and achievements so that when we finally had our own church, we did not become discouraged when all of our ideas didn't work. If your husband is truly called into ministry, then God is also going to give him the time to be made fit for service. God tells us to wait as much if not more than he tells us to go. If a man is rushing headlong into a decision, you as his helper have a duty to question him. He will need to be educated and then to learn under the guidance of a wiser leader. Look for church staffs where the associate pastors are given leadership opportunities to serve in the pulpit--that says a lot about the senior pastor's courage and ability to equip his leaders. If your hubby is forcing you take on a senior pastorate before he has been made ready, you are wise to ask him to pray and to be certain that you are both in agreement. If he is forcing or coercing you, it will only grow worse after he has forced himself into a role that he might be taking simply to feed his need for self-worth, rather than to surrender his life in service to others. After nearly twenty years in the ministry, my husband still tells me that he loves me above all others in the church. He has told me more than once, "You walk, I walk. We walk together. Even if it means walking away from the ministry." Our ministry is above all other things, to nurture our family and to love and obey our Savior. p.s.We have helped battered women escape abusive home lifes. Please do not remain in bondage to physical abuse, dear sisters. That is prison. Christ came to set the captives free.


Butterfly  3/21/2006  Praise the Lord How is everyone doing I have been checking the website and I have not seen any new posts. I hope that means everyone is great. Those that wait upon the lord shall mount up with wings of an eagle. Listen up we know how high the eagle soars above all the mess and distress of the world. I just found a new meaning for DIVA Divine inspired virtuous annointed woman. thats what we all are. Stand fast in the lord until you get what you are standing for. Be encouraged God is not slack concerning his promises. And he is not slack to deliver us from our oppressors. Even if they are family, children, bosses, other saints, or even husbands. Remember God sees all and knows all he will make a way for you and me. The devil is defeated. To enough is enough Pray and seek God concerning your marriage. Believe it or not God can change a situation a small one or a large one. Let him lead you not others to make the right decision. I think its honorable to want to start a ministry if we are busy helping others it leaves less time for us to worry about ourselves. GOd will and can touch his heart.

Dorothy  3/24/2006  What is it that is Biblically allowed if I feel I must devorce my husband because he is more romantic to the church than to me?

Not a Native New Yorker  3/25/2006  Hello, most of all I want someone to talk too. I am recently married to a pastor (2/04) who started a small but expensive church (8/04) the strain of being newly married compounded by all the extras i.e. financial burdens on me at the home, household responsibilities on me, church responsibilities, pressure has become so much that we barely speak at the house. There's so much I haven't said and won't bother too, suffice it to say that after two years I've also researched divorce in my state, i want to leave badly. He and I had a long but tumultous courtship so this marriage (I thought) was supposed to be stability for he and I but it has been anything but. Mostly at this point only God knows the details of my situation so I request much prayer from those of you willing to pray for a stranger in need of help.

Rose  3/31/2006  I have a question. How do you handle it when you have such a great idea for the church and your husband pastor doesn't share your interest of depth of feeling about it? Presently I was considering going to a weekend retreat on prayer that our conference offers but I haven't felt his support for going so I've decided to drop it.

Jasmin bw  4/1/2006  Hello to all the ladies on this website. I had not visited the site for many months, but felt I wanted to come back and visit again. I am a pastor's wife of many years of experience. My husband has pastored for a total of 38 years, in 5 different churches. He is 68 and I am 61. We have had many,many, ups and downs in pastoring. People in churches can indeed be very mean and cold, especially once they decide they want a change in pastorship. We have been hurt a number of times, but always by the same (kind) of people in churches, those who are envious, or jealous, who are envious of our marital relationship, our family, our talents, and our calling itself. Most of those same people would not do the job to begin with, but they can't stand to see someone else in what they (perceive) as being in the lime light, or in leadership, and as we know, almost all pastors are paid for their services to their pastorates. When you encounter jealous people in your congregation, you will always be able to recognize them. They will come on strong as wanting to be so nice to you, and friends with you, for some time, they get to know you, try to find out all they can about you and your husband, and your family, and then they sometimes turn on you like a pack of wolves and try to devour you by gossiping, and tearing you (the pastor, and wife) down to everyone they come in contact with. They will even tell outright lies when they can not succeed in getting people mad enough at you like they want them to be. They are vicious at times and yes, it is extremely hurtful. Do pray for them and never give up on prayer. Go through the Psalms and over into Proverbs and read what God's wonderful word says about it all. God has promised us and said that he would (not) prosper those tho do such things. If these kind of people cannot get to the pastor's wife or family, then they will start a direct attack or campaign against the pastor. No, it is not fun by any means, but it happens. Be of a spiritual mind and understand what is (really) happening to you and that Satan is behind it all. Have a strong prayer life and pray (for) those people often that God can reach their hardened hearts. Keep the faith, gals, trust me. We have gone through the deep waters and back a number of times, but praise God, He always lifts us up in the end. We just went through a vicious campaign against my husband in a church we had pastored for over 11 years, (while) my husband was down for 6 weeks flat on his back from surgery. They were working their campaign, unknown to us. There had been plenty of love seemingly in the church, great services, new people were beginning to attend (this was a very small church in a small town), and there had been no signs whatsoever of inner problems. A new man came into the church (from another church), disgruntled and unhappy in that church, and wanting rid of the minister there. He attended our church for about 10 months, and suddenly, the campaign began. We know for a fact that he had spoken outright lies to us, and to others. He got in thick with the "church bosses" and gossips, you all know the type, and in a matter of time, there was turmoil. As soon as my husband was able to return to the services after his recovery, he resigned immediately and we left when he learned that they were stirring up all kinds of division in the church, and hoping to have a pastoral recall. It would have just been the beginning of a larger problem. We have been gone now for 1 year, and the church has fallen to nothing, and can hardly keep the doors open financially. God has blessed us with a wonderful church with a lot more people, and very loving and caring people, and we are just blessed and thankful God has placed us there. God will always bring us through the Fire in the end (if) we hold steady, and be faithful. Sometimes when things get very bad, we just have to "shake the dust from our feet", as the Word tells us to do, and move on. When mean spirited people start this kind of division in a church, it can totally destroy it in many ways, and in the eyes of the community sometimes too. I pray that none of you ever have to face this kind of situation. However, go to God's word and Rest on His word, and in Him. He will always carry us through the storm. Praise His Name !!!! As for pastor's wives who have been discussing their affairs, and their husband's affairs, may God have mercy upon each of you and help you through these times. It might be very worthwhile to do some real soul searching to see if either, or both of you are truly called into God's service and anointed. A little secret tip - When you are truly anointed for God's service and ministry, Satan is going to hate you, and battle you, along with anyone he can find to help him. Make sure your calling and lean only upon God !!! May God bless, prosper, and lift each and every one of you up in Him !!!

Thankful  5/1/2006  Thank you, Jasmin. My pen name of thankful may seem strange for a pw. My husband has been involved in ministry for over ten years. He was a solo pastor of a traditional 150 year old church for over 4 years. On the eve of the anniversary celebrations, the church decided they didn't want him. Due to the process, and rumors which we don't even know about, he has now been "defrocked" and defamed. He recently (On Maundy Thursday) received the letter from the bishop stating that he was not to use the title of reverend anymore, do marriages, funerals, wear the vestments, and so on. He is a fabulous preacher and wonderful pastor to many. We don't understand this, but with the experience of the posting by Jasmin, I am led to deeper understanding that it is truly the case that Satan is alive and well - perhaps even at the most intense in higher church administrative levels. The severity with which my husband has been dealt is not logical with what was said about him - that he didn't visit enough yet at the same time wasn't in the office enough! . He can't be in both places in the same time. Many people were in the hospital in the urban area at least an hour from the rural church where there were no hopsitals, etc.I think he was perhaps too effective - we have five children and were very involved in the church and community. I agree that people will be jealous, spiteful and will go after something they can't/don't have just to destroy it and that includes the pastor and the family. I am thankful that I have our family and friends that are standing by us. I am thankful that I can look at each day and appreciate the little joys and concentrate on those rather than all of the negativity that can be the overwhelming focus of ministry. When I remember that negativity is Satan pulling me away from God, and I can resist and pull in the other direction, then it is a good moment, a good day. My prayers go out to all wives in ministry. Blessings to you all. John 3:16.

lea  4/2/2006  I just read the news reports about Mary Winkler(the pastor's wife who shot and killed her husband last month). My heart aches for her and her family. Killing her husband was wrong but obviously, she felt that she didn't have any other way to solve whatever their problems were. Unfortunately, I read the messages that people have been posting on a yahoo board for the article on Mary Winkler. I am not naive but I was disgusted at the things people are saying about her and about her situation. Our society is in serious trouble when people deny the tragedy of this type story and turn it into something against christians, pastors, and women. Some people are trying to villianize both Mary and her husband. Thank you for letting me vent my sadness for a fellow pw and clergy family. I didn't know where else to let it out. I wish there was a way to let Mary and her daughters know that there are people who care. Thank you also to the person(s) who started this message board for all of us who are living the joys and stresses of being married to pastors.

bobbie  4/5/2006  I am a pastor wife wheo gets frustrated from time to time my husband has a good heart sometimes i think to good he takes churches that are struggling to keep the doors open and time he gets the church growing and on its feet the church won't do right when it comes to his salary i know we are not in ministry for the money but they are robbing us of our blessings especially when we have 5 kids to feed I really need some insight please help

Jen  4/6/2006  I have been married to a youth pastor for the past 7 years. To give a little background, I have been hurt several times by certain things and certain people in the church over the last year. Unfortunatley being a wife of a youth pastor of a large southern baptist church, you see alot of politics going on. The unfortunate thing is, we are JUST the youth pastor and wife. I sometimes feel we are babysitters and that the rest of the church really doesn't care about the deep roots of salvation that are being planted into their children. I realize that the church is made up of sinful people and that I should brush it off and pray for them. It is so hard to do!!!! The thing is my husband came home from church tonight in a weird mood. I was very curious as too what may have brought this mood on? The point of it all came down to me! My husband above all people understands me more than anyone. I love that about him so much. He is my buddy, my partner and I love him with all of my heart. I am the type person who wears my emotions on my sleeve. I am a very shy unspoken type person. I leave everything in, because I do not like conflict. I am trying to be patient, humble in spirit and trying to give my heart time to heal without bitterness stepping in. I have not been consistent on going to church over the last couple months, but this reasoning was for a very specific purpose that my husbadn and I thought was best for now. I needed this time for one on one time with God and to allow healing to set in. When I am in a situation that is taking away from that healing it is not doing me or anyone else any good. I guess what upsets me is when I have a couple of adults in the church telling my husband that I am setting a bad example to the youth, that is upsetting! It really made my hubby defensive becasue he knows it is not true. I hated to see him in that spot. I am HUMAN, I have hurts and struggles, trials and errors. God has been dealing with me on a very personal level lately, but I guess obviously my privacy is not accepted in the matter. It makes me very sad that a few people can ruin the perception on what is to be a quote on quote "ministers wife". I refuse to be the molded into the image that people expect. I want to show that I don't have it all together, but never the less after all my faults My heavenly Father loves me no matter what. If I was to be the perfect little ministers wife that never showed struggle in their spiritual journey....What is that teaching the youth? (fakeness?) I guess with Scott and I, what you see is what you get. I personally think that is one of Scott's amazing gifts in the ministry. I don't say all of this to cause anyone else to get upset, I just write this for you to take a min and think.... whatever church you go to, no pastor or pastor's wife knows all the answers nor do they have this perfect little fairytale life! If they do I would really question their motives! It is my hope that you would show encouragment to them and continue to pray for them on their spiritual journey as well as your own! Thanks for listening, I didn't realize a board like this was even here. It is so needed!!! hugs and prayers

Chaplain Jenn  4/7/2006  Hi Ladies. I have been a minister and a the wife of a minister for 14yrs. Reading this website I identify with may of the concerns and trial that have been shared. The main thing that I want to say is be true to yourself. God values who you are and your thoughts and opinions matter. What other people in the church (or elsewhere) think you should do or shouldn't do or say or shouldn't say is THEIR problem not yours. You have every right to paricipate in the things that God has called you to and if others are pressuring you to do or be something else then don't let that bother you. There will ALWAYS be SOMEONE who will want something from you or your husband/family that you simply cannot and should not give. God does not want you to be miserable in church. Be true to who God created you to be and when others can't appreciate that--"shake the dust off your feet" (Forget them). For those of you with marital struggles, my heart goes out to you. My husband and I have ourselves seen a marriage counselor and it really helped. I have had many friends in the ministry who have divorced so I have seen that struggle. Lastly, I have one important thing to say...If you are in an abusive relationship, do WHATEVER you have to do to keep you and your family safe. It is not God's will that you be abused physically, emotionally, or spiritually. If you can get out, get out. At the very least, call a women's center in your area for help. In my line of work, I've seen too many woment injured or killed because they thought it was a sin to leave. That is a lie. Do whatever you have to to keep yourself safe.

Brooke  4/8/2006  Hi to all of my sisters here! I am so grateful for this forum, and I have received so much encouragement as I have reviewed all of the responses. I want to thank the ladies with years of experience in the ministry for sharing their wisdom and insight and exhortations to keep "running the race." I have been in the ministry for 5+ years with my hubby. I must say that back then I felt clueless, and today I am just as clueless. There are days that I want out of the ministry so bad. There are times that I withdraw from God's people to lick my wounds. I think that sometimes I forget that our Lord promised that He would never leave us or forsake this world there are trials, death, pain, SIN, hate, jealousy, suffering, persecution, etc. etc. I think that I forget that the pain and trials are all part of the Refiner's fire. Do you remember when you prayed, "Lord, I give you my life, use me!?" He heard our prayers, if they were from a pure heart. We absolutely must go through trials and persecutions and pain...all to HIS GLORY! It just has to happen. It makes me realize that I cannot do it in my own strength! I can never trust or go on my feelings! I am praying for my sisters that want out of the ministry or are in affairs, that you would FLEE to our Savior...ultimately, the ministry is HIS. He just wants fellowship with His daughters-- that would be us!!! God bless you sis's! He is faithful to us!

Sonia  4/10/2006  I am a new pastor wife. It is necesasry that every pastor' wife have a Women group?

whoamI  4/10/2006  I just read alot of these entrys and WOW!! there are alot of story's to be told!! We just left behind a church..after we left noone called to say how are you. What happened..Can we pray for you? That hurt.. since we had poured out our heart and soul into the ministry of this church....Someone in the church misunderstood me and thereby on an outing let the door close in my face..she is a paid person..... Talk about pain...I've heard that some of the people have ask about us..Just not personaly. I was feeling like we should leave way before this happened. I was so depressed for a year and It is getting better with time. My problem now is part of me wants to give up church and the other part wants to go but everyday I am literally putting one foot in front of the other. I would like prayer for direction..God has brought me this far and through tremendous struggles. I Love him so much/ he is my best friend.

too tired to care  4/11/2006  I'm tired of this PW life and i've only been living it 10 months. I can't imagine living it the rest of my life. I hope that it will get better or I will probably find other ways to deal with it. I'm tired of being ignored, invisible, talked about, lonely, depressed, and losing my identity slowly everyday. I'm glad the Winkler case is in the news because several friends and family cut the article out of PEOPLE and sent it to me and wrote " I never would have known what you are going through without this story". I hope it brings support groups and resources for the wives. It's funny that my husband went to school 8 years to become ordained and I marry him and there's nothing to help me with the lifestyle or the people around it. I hope this issue doesn't get swept under the rug as it falls out of media spotlight. We need help. It's not normal to live this way. I'm only 28 and I feel that I have aged 20 years this past year. I know that complaining won't solve anything - we need a solution and resources. Nobody wants to look at us because they would have to admit how they treat the pastor and his family and how unchristian church members can be. It's not that I crave the spotlight but I would like to have people at least know my name. I was a bright, outgoing, shining person before I stepped into this life and I feel that everytime I go to church, all of that is sucked out of me. What can we do? How do we get this issue out there and not seem like a bunch of whiny women to the rest of the public who doesn't understand this?

Kay  4/14/2006  Question. I was divorced for 6 years and then remarried after I said "never". I remarried a divorced pastor whose wife had an affair on him. He is a wonderful man, works wonderfully with youth and others, is a counselor and goes into troubled homes with the county to help with parenting skills...but constantly wants to "fix" me. His first wife did not work. I work full time as a Professional and I have three biological kids (he has 11 adopted kids). I do my best, but he went as far as to go to a lawyer to ask for a divorce, without even discussing a problem with me and then told me I would have to pray for forgiveness as divorce is a sin. He is not new to the field...over 25 years....please give me some guidance....I pray pray pray....Kay

TOTALLY CONFUSED  4/18/2006  I haven't been on this site in several months and for the life of me I don't really understand why I'm drawn to it now. I mean very few, if any, respond to the PW's calling out for help. Today I found out my husband (my pastor) has been involved with porno on the internet. The times I thought he was deep in study, up all night, seeking God's word ...he was (sometimes) looking at porn. I just last week gave testimony to a young lady that God could do anything and would hear her cries for a healing in her marriage..that my husband in the past had been healed of gambling..drugs..tobacco..(all before he gave his life to the Lord but was addicted for many years)I thought after 20 years I was more demons. Don't tell me about Satin...I CANNOT understand how a loving God can let his children be attacked when they are trying to give their all. I don't think I'll be able to go on in this marriage and I especially don't think I'll be able to go back and sit on the pew and listen to him preach even though he has asked for forgiveness. The problem is he never asked for forgiveness untill he got caught. I believe that's kind of like asking Jesus for forgiveness after he has returned... too late. The worst of all of this many will suffer and maybe even turn from Christ if this news gets out. His behavior will effect more than just us. I need an online counselor if anyone cares enough to respond.

DNLA  5/5/2006  The church pedestalizes these men. They are human. No one is impervious to sin except Jesus, but that didn't prevent him from being tempted. Jesus had free will like all of us. He chose to be accountable to the Father. These men need accountability, but they must choose it. One place accountability can be found is through the Promise Keepers organization. The hard questions are: Is your husband willing to be accountable, not just to a group of Christian men (other pastors), but also to you? If he is willing to be held accountable, are you willing to work through this with him? It's funny that you are concerned with the response of the people. The Word says, those that did not continue with us were not of us. I decided not to judge God by how church folks act. What happened in this situation was definitely hurtful. Whether the porn issue was confessed before or you caught him, the result is still the same. Asking for forgiveness, repentance and reconciliation are very different things. It's not too late for your husband to ask for forgiveness. The thief on the cross asked for forgiveness (after he got caught). It's not too late for your husband to repent - meaning turn from the behavior and sin no more. Reconciliation is about healing a breach. That can only happen if both parties want it. Most people don't want to reconcile with someone that is continuing to hurt them, because you can't heal a wound that is constantly being opened. Unforgiveness keeps a wound open too. After you look at all the information, you and God can look at your heart. It will tell you if this behavior is WHO your husband is or if this is something he's done. God's will get you through this as you turn to Him. The direction He leads you in has His provision.

Grace  5/6/2006  My heart aches for you. I know of some resources that may be helpful to you in your current situtation. Please visit the website and look at the "Every Man's Battle" information. It is very helpful to men struggling with pornography. There are also resources for wives of men in the struggle. The authors are wondeful Christian men who have been victorious in their own lives. In regards to you forgiving your husband-you are commanded to forgive, which is a choice you make. But for him to be forgiven by the Lord he must repent! Has he truly done that? I would pray for him to truly have a repentant heart. If you are right and he is sorry only because he was caught, the true healing can not start in his life until he repents. The resources above go into more detail about this. In regards to your question about Satan attacking those doing his work--you questioned why??? Well, Satan only tries to interrupt those lives that are seeking to glorify the Lord. Why would Satan need to bother with non-believers or luke-warm believers who are not walking in the Lord's ways? They are not a threat to Satan. Only those who seek the Lord and seek to do His will cause Satan to tremble and he will do all in his power to interrupt thier lives. Stand strong in the Lord! "I am standing firm, letting nothing move me. I give myself fully to the work of the Lord, because I know that my labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Cor. 15:58 Pray for you husband. That is you biggest weapon against Satan. I am praying for you and your family. I am praying in faith expecting miracles and healing in your family.

Toni Fain  4/19/2006  Responses: I think a web site is very good. We need to be able to communicate with fellow sisters. It is lonely out here. I have moved several places with my husband. It is hard to find a job. It seems that with demonations that the spouses can't share. It is good that you have a place to talk about things without causing problems for the husband. I have always known that the Lord's Grace is great.

4/24/2006  I am so happy that I found this website. I have been crying for 2 days wondering if I made the right decision to be a Pastor's wife. My husband and I were friends for 6yrs. before realizing that we had fallen in love with each other along the way. My mother passed away 3yrs ago and I have never been close to anyone else in my family, My best friend is a member of our church in fact she was a member before me, she is an associate minister (newly ordained) and an the finance commitee with me. well because of her envy (which she has apologized for in the past) we are barely speaking to one another she is abrasive and rude she gets the other ladies in the church to do her dirty work. I feel myself withdrawing from everyone. There is no one I can talk too. My husband is so loving but I don't want to always go running to him because he is doing so much and I don't want to be a burden. Also another lady in the church is in love with him she is always jumping up to stand beside him and pray, running to meet visitors at the door, getting his water, acting like she is his wife. My husband wants me to be more aggresive and speak up. I believe that there is more than one way to prove a point without me coming across as a insecure jealous bear. However I can hold up while in church but once I get in my car after service my heart aches. please help

Lizzy  4/25/2006  I am hurting as a Pastor's Wife. My job entitles everything! THe jealousy of women is almost critical in the church. Never in my life have I seen old women more into CONTROLLING and POWER STRUGGLING in the house of God. Fasting and Praying certainly is not an option for me! If I don't fast and pray--studying God's word, I WILL BE DEFEATED! PLease, please, keep me in your prayers.

Unsure of the Calling  4/29/2006  Is a Pastor's wife a co-pastor with her husband because of his calling and God's word that say We are one in marriage? What makes a pastor wife a co-pastor?

cite  4/30/2006  Praise God my fellow "Pastor's Wives". It's been 7 years since I wrote this womderful God given site. My name is "Cite". I wrote to this board on one dreadful night (4/24/99) begging for some guidance and help. Thru your prayers and God's help, I am pressing on. I am yet with my husband but I must say it is a strain to trust my husband. Will it ever come or what? One reason I did not leave my husband is that I know that he is truely sorry for his actions. And the other is, and don't laugh, is that I refuse to leave him and then he passes on and after over 25 years of marriage he dies and I receive absolutely nothing. (he is financially well off). I am not nor have I ever been employed. I was a stay at home mom. My mother tells me to forgive and forget. Forgetting isn't hard to do, but trusting again is. Outside of his mistake, he is a wonderful man. I am still working for God and He is blessing my ministry but I am NOT happy. Help!!

Destiny C  5/1/2006  My fellow PW out there I am so touched and blessed by this awesome site. I have been going through really tough times as well. We all have one thing in common we all need support. I have read the stories that all the PW have shared and it is amazing. I am also a hurting PW I am only 26 years old and my husband has been Pastoring for almost 2 years now. If we were able to take a Leave of absence from being a PW im sure we would all bump into eachother on an island called LONELY. This walk is so hard almost unbareable at times. I would really like to just be able to conversate with you ladies who cares to support one another. I cannot express the hurt that I feel on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels as if my husband does not even have time for me, its so easy as a PW to just feel alone. As a wife, mother and PW I wear so many hats I cant even keep up sometimes. Please pray for me. Anyone who cares to be in support please contact me. I would love to gain new friends that can relate to me.

1679  5/2/2006  Hi, Can someone share with me some of the discouraging events that took place when you first started a church? My husband and I just started a church...and the enemy is already trying to discourage us with lack of membership. What advice do any of you have.

Name: Elaine Comments: This is my dilema. We have been at this church since 2000 and my husband started as the youth pastor with much success. (This was his third ministry and my first). When the senior pastor left he applied for the position and has been the senior minister for the last 4 years. There has been success, but at the same time a lot of firey trials from the enemy, but thanks to God we have continued on... About two years ago my husband and I decided to become foster parents and took in a boy on our own who was "kicked out" of his relatives home and needed a place to stay. There was no other family for this angry young man, because his family members didn't want him. My husband and this child became somewhat close and we at times differed on how to parent this teenager. (We have been unable to have children of our own naturally). This child had lots of issues regarding women and it turned out that he also had a temper. He did poorly in school and we continued to work with him knowing that this boy expected us to reject him as well. The church body took to him immediately and he to them as well. There were several temper outbursts in public with him at school events and soon comments were heard by the leadership of our church that "If that pastor can't control his own child then why should we go to church there..." The leadership also let my husband know about these comments. As a result, my husband and I discussed possibly leaving and moving to a new place. I believe the boy overheard us discussing the issue. The boy told my husband that to "save my husband's job" he could move out. Two days later he didn't come home and told my husband he was tired of living the lie of being a "goody, goody" in his words, and he left our home to live with some people that he told "we kicked him out of the house and he needed a place to stay." Really, he told us later that he just doesn't want to follow our rules anymore. Everyone in the small town know us and know that we did not kick him out of our home and that this boy is troubled. What gets me so angry is that our leadership chose to question my husband rather than to support him and defend him to these gossips and that they are questioning whether or not he is effective anymore. Our leadership is very ready to tell my husband that he needs to start small groups but yet none of them or their families attended the small groups when they were provided. I know that this means I need to be gracious and kind, but man it is really hard. Please let me know how, if anyone has experienced this or something similar, to cope with #1 all the upcoming changes, #2 the call of this ministry still weighs heavily on my heart, #3 how to best support my husband, and #4 how to best support/be and example to my church.
Sure of my calling  5/2/2006  I have just come across this site and my heart just aches for all of you out there....I've sat here and cried over some of the things I've read. I would like to tell you a bit about myself and hopefully this will help some of you. My husband and I have been involved for 27 years in every capacity possible in the church. Everything from janitor, deacon, trustee, bookeeper, songleader and now in a different church the pastor. He has been pastor now for the last 4 years and in those last 4 years have experienced and gone thru just about everything imaginable....people leaving, blackmail, name it. Before my husband agreed to take on the position of pastor, which was basically thrown in his lap due to great turmoil, we had a long talk, prayed earnestly and God confirmed our decision by giving us a couple of scriptures to hang on to and gives us the confidence that we are in His perfect will when the trouble comes. We were not naive enough to not realize the implications this would have on our life. We have 4 children, thankfully they were older. My husband made it very clear that I as a pastor's wife was to have NO responsibilities in the church except to be there for him whenever he needed me. He did not want a wife stressed out with comittees and functions and having to put him second. I do play the piano for church when needed, but only as a spare. After all people do rise up to the occasion when no one else will. He ( and I too ) do a fair amount of counselling, ( there are so many messed up people in this life ) and we have a strict policy of NEVER to be counselling with the opposite sex if I see a woman, who has little discernment ( or intentions ) pulling my husband off to the side of the crowd and trying to talk to him alone ( and even if he's in a crowd ) I quickly make my way over to his side and hold his arm. This has nothing to do with jealousy, it has everything to do with protecting him and his ministry from malicious gossip and things taken out of context and misunderstood by the person involved. Satan has no mercy or reasoning. Because we are an independant , non denominational church there is no heirarchy to answer to except God. We believe that being in the ministry, whatever capacity that may be is a high calling that God calls you for. If God calls you into the ministry, as pastor/wife then He gives you the tools to do the job He's called you to. If you have chosen this profession, thinking you want to do God a service, and He may have designed for you to serve him in another capacity, then you will not survive the pressures that come with the territory. A Robin can not fly the same heights as an Eagle but they are however, both in the bird family. I have never felt adequate to be in this position, although I fully believe my husband makes a wonderful pastor and the church people as whole really love him ( us ). I would gladly step down and let someone else have this responsibility. I can't imagine anyone even wanting this. I did talk to a few seasoned pastor's wives and their advice was in general to just be yourself. So, that's what I'm doing. People know by now that what I say, I mean and I do my best to be there for them and there are times when I get very grouchy and have a bad day that I will stay home from church. Church people can't handle it when they think the ministry is sick or having attitude problems, so those days,( which thankfully are not that many ) I will stay away for a day or two until I can pull myself together. People know that our kids are not perfect and we never tried to make it look like they were, we admitted to their short comings........and believe it or not, some parents are now appreciating that and saying how it gives them the courage to tough it out with their teenagers, when they see how we did it with ours. You have to work together as a team at home behind closed doors before you can work together in the church. You "HAVE TO MAKE YOUR CALLING AND ELECTION SURE" In any case adultry and fornication etc is not useful in a church for spiritual growth. I would rather be honest in my heart and before God than to die on the inside for the sake of keeping up an image that is not helping people in the long run. We lose our focus on what our main purpose here is and that is to "Point people to Christ" not ourselves. You must maintain the integrity of your heart at the expense of what others may say or that means being thick skinned and ignoring alot of negative things you hear. Let your approval and self worth come from Christ not the people around you. This was not an easy thing for me to learn. Hopefully this is of some help to some of you. I can tell you I have been deeply affected by this site and will pray for you. God Bless you all.
AngAnn  5/3/2006  My husband has been a youth minister at our church for about 4 years. The youth group has been growing tremendously and many young adult are coming to know the Lord. It is so amazing! Recently, some church member parents have been talking horribly about my husband and he has done nothing wrong. He is trying to follow what God wants him to do, but it is so hard when people come up against you. There have been a few students who have stopped coming, all of which have parents who are not faithful and are concerned about worldly things and not eternity. They are blaming this on my husband. It seemed like it started with a few parents talking, but now it is spinning out of control to others who don't even have kids in the youth group. Our pastor is always supportive of my husband, but now he is getting an e arful from the parents and not supporting my husband. I have been praying specifically for my husband and that God's protection would surround him. I just know it is bothering him so bad. Your flesh says burn with hatred towards those people, but that is not what Jesus would do. Please pray for my husband and I that God would protect our integrety and show us his purpose, wisdom, and comfort for this trial (James 1:2-6).

enweruzo victoria-david  5/4/2006  Due to my young age, most women in the church who are much older than me feel i am not capable of being the women leader. I'm frustrated at every attempt of churchleadership.My husband encourages me but i', beggining to feel inadequate. Cou;d you link me to a fellowship of pastors wives on line for more encouragement.

Lady Alone  5/4/2006  My husband has Pastored our church for about 51/2 years now. In this time, he has also gotten very involved in the community surrounding the church and with a small group of community residents, most of whom are females. It seems that increasingly, his time is being consumed with taking care of problems and issues that concern the community residents, to the point that his focus seems to be as much, if not more, on pleasing this small group rather than the church. I should also mention that this small group provides my husband with constant financial and other personal gifts. However, the real problem is that with his duties at the church and then adding the amount of time that he spends taking care of community concerns, we have practically no time together. Although, I have expressed to him my desire that he try to set aside time for me, our marriage and our home, he seems to be spending more, not less time away from home. I have tried to become more involved in the community activities with him; however, I found that I had no time for our home, so I cut back on my involvement in that area. It has gotten to the point that I am feeling totally alone most of the time. Even when we are together, he seems so distracted that I am constantly asking him what's on his mind. I feel like he would rather be away from me and our home than devote time to our marriage. It's almost like the praise and gifts that he receives from the community have come to be more important to him than sharing time with me. When I bring up my feelings, his response is always "no matter how you feel, I still have to do what I have to do". In addition, he has been working more and more with one of the female community residents who is married, but seems to have very little interaction with her husband. It got to the point that whenever he was not working with her in the community, she would spend time going out to dinner, to the theater and joining us socially on a regular basis. Even when I was not around, I would hear about the two of them together. I discussed this with my husband and he assured me that he would be more aware of their interaction; however, nothing changed. So, I spoke with the young woman privately. However, she promptly told everyone in the community who worked closely with my husband. They all got together and met with my husband to complain about what I discussed with the young woman and what they perceived as accusations about their interaction; and then my husband and I had a huge argument, as a result. Since then, the young woman seems to have backed off somewhat; however, lately my husband seems more distracted than ever. When I ask what is wrong, he says that he is just tired. However, we seem to have lost any closeness between us. The only time we seem to have together anymore is when we are in meetings together, in service together, watching TV, or asleep (that is, when he's not up half the night working on some project). When I suggest doing something together, he may set aside a few hours for us; but, then he announces that he has to go to a meeting here or there. I have prayed and prayed and things improve for a short time; but, then we always end up right back in the same distant situation. I am at my wits end right now. I desperately need guidnace and prayers!

Donna  5/8/2006  Hi ladies, I just found this page and am very excited. My husband and I have been in Christian Leadership for over thirty years. At the moment my heart feels unrest over, really, about just one critic. It's amazing what "one" can do if I allow him to. We have known years of wonderful ministry and great joy and mixed within have been the heartaches -- as painful as they've been I know the Father has met me in far more ways than imaginable as a result. I logged onto this site and read from Judy, posted, January 1, 2004. Truly I'm encouraged. I do know the secret for me is nestling down with the Father and allowing His healing presence to cover over me. In a very dark night a couple of weeks ago over this latest sorrow the Father reminded me of my time with my little granddaughter that day. Alyssa (2) had found her shadow. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get away from it. It troubled her little person. She'd speed up, then slow down, then move this way or that, always keeping a nervous watchful eye on her shadow. I observed her behavior for a little and finally came to her desperate need. After we talked about shadows and looked also at grandma's shadow and the grocery cart shadow... I suggested she could get into the van to get away from her shadow. Alyssa was most relieved for this retreat. So in my dark, grieved night as I wrestled with the sorrow of unnecessary comments and the Father brought to my mind this little shadow story, I then heard Him say to me Donna, no matter how hard you try you won't get away from my shadow. I'm going to completely hover over you, around you, above you... I'm going to stay right beside you through the long night. In fact, I'm going to continue holding you with my strong arms... Humm... you know, in His presence, I believe, is our greatest healing. I rested there in His arms, under His shadow. It's not that it removes our sorrow but there is quietness and healing as we abide in His presence. And so from Judy, January 2004 -- I loved her counsel to stay in the Father and let the rest go! Bless you, bless you for sharing. Donna

Loice Ann  5/9/2006  Am a paor's wife. Am so excited to have come across this website on Pastor's wives. Am 39 years and a mother of daughters aged between 9 and 17 years. I would like to ge in touch with another pastor's wife of my age that we may share experiences and encourage each other. God bless you for this wonderfu ministry to the pastor's wives.

Marie  5/12/2006  I thank God for a website like this one it's real encouraging to know I'm not alone and there is help and support for Pastor's Wives. I am an Assoiate Pastors wife and my husband feels one day we will pastor our own church. I want to know how to deal with and handle hard to work with women? Especially when they are very strong willed and controlling and judgmental about you as a Leader? sometimes it feels like women leaders are the worst and they suck all the joy out of you? and lot's of times I feel depressed trying to do the work of the Lord.

Losing my identity  5/15/2006  Question: My husband is a Pastor, but when we married, he was "retired." Before we married, I asked him if he ever intended to be a active Pastor again, and he said no. (I never have considered myself Pastor's wife material, and probably would not have married him if I knew what the future would hold for us.) Of course, God had other plans than my husband, and after 7 years of our marriage, God called him back into the ministry. My life has been in constant change ever since, and I am not dealing with it very well. All of a sudden there are expectations by others I never had before, and I've had to give up friends and start hanging out with a whole new group of people. The only time we really have together anymore is if we are at church together or sleeping. He's always busy with everyone else, and has very very little time left for us. I am about to lose my mind, as my faith in God has always been somewhat shaky. I am a believer, and have accepted Christ as my Personal Savior, but my level of faith is not as strong as his. I feel like I am drowning in his life, that I am just now a shadow in his life, that what I want and need doesn't matter anymore, and when I try talking to him about it, he says "I don't understand, maybe you should see a counselor," and gets frustrated with me. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I am losing my identity as an individual, and we have lost our identity as a couple. It is straining my mental health, and our marriage to say the least. Of course, we put on a good front in public, but at home the tension is almost constant. I feel quilty for having these feelings because I know he just wants to help lead people to the Lord. Anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? Prayer helps somewhat, but doesn't seem to cut it for me. Every time I ask God for help, he just finds another way to use my husband in the ministry, keeping him even busier. I am at a loss. I would appreciate any suggestions or thoughts. At this point I feel desperate. - thanks in advance. - "Losing my identity"

Songbird  6/2/2006  There have been times as a PW that you will feel various feelings. I am beginning to understand this more and more. For instance some days you may feel on top of the world after a service or an event at church where everyone behaved as becoming Holiness or as Saints. Then there are times where you don't understand what is going on. You will sometimes feel lonely even depressed. As long as these are only temporary, and the moment that you resist the devil, then he has to flee. We allow him to hang around way too long and it is truly this force that we are fighting. We do not wrestle flesh and blood. There is so much to think about. You said vows of some kind when you married, they may have included in sickness and in health, etc, etc. those vows are supposed to mean so much more than we as a nation of people actually take them for. If we want to or have the desire to please the Lord and our husbands the true fact is we are a help meet/mate. We are here to help him in his endeavors. In all actualality, those of us that have husbands in the church or even partly in the church are truly blessed. If we were to go to a site where the husbands are not saved or in Ministry, I imagine we would really read some things. We sometimes see things out of our own eyes. I know things hurt. If fact just by virtue of me trying to encourage someone else, I can almost expect a trial of some kind. I think the main thing that you probably want to really focus on first is falling in love with the Lord and giving your heart totally to Him and let Him Minister to you. There is a place that you need to get to that when you get there you will know that you are very much are part of the Ministry and that you husband needs your help. I have also felt as if I were losing my identity, but it passed. I refused to change from being who I am. However in order to please the Lord we must deny ourselves. Take up our cross daily (each day come what may) and follow after the Lord. God knows who you are. He did not make a mistake. My sister find a way to see yourself in God, closer than ever. Or else you will not make it. Think about the things that are true, lovely, just, of good report. read Philippians. Hope this helps. Praying for you. Give us an update of how things get better, or know that you have internet sisters agreeing in prayer with you, praying for your strenghth and encouragement.

Lene  5/16/2006  I was wondering was there a cite for PWs. Thank God. I'm not alone.I have been (feeling lonely for about 3years now. (That's how long we have been pastoring)My father-inlaw passed away and the church was given to my husband. We grew up with the congregation. The respect is just not there. I thought it would be because they know us. My mother-law who was the former PW is having a hard time not being the PW anymore. 32years of wisdom I could gleam from and she doesn't want to help or share unless I do it all her way. I know she is still grieving. I'm very patient at times. I still hurt too. My husband feel that he is in the middle at times. So I have stop telling him how I really feel about everything. I just tell God about it. But I am still lonely. Very encouraging stories. Haven't read all, but I will.

capri  5/16/2006  God is so faithful, I was looking for a small group for pastor's wives and stumbled on this site. I'm so happy to know that their is a place for my thoughts and that I'm not alone.

Carolyn  5/17/2006  My husband and I have been married for 7 years and God birthed a ministry through him where there are total of six members. Our church services are held in our home each Sunday. The ministry has been in existance now for almost three years. I have always been very supported of my husband and the ministry. I truely believe that he is a God fearing man of God. The problem is that in the seven years that we have been married he has had more jobs than I can keep up with, and the longest he has benn on a job has been about one year. My husband has always tried to seek God in everything and he admits that he is not totally trusting God for our finances, because he wants to take care of his family. Everytime he starts a new job, he says that, God makes it ugly and then he quits. I don't know if you can imagine how many times I have been dissappointed, but I will say that this time I'm burnt out. I don't know how much more I can take. We have had many, many JOB like experiences, we've loss a home, cars, and our financial situation is not very good. On yesterday my husband said, that God told him to just trust him. Now our rent is due and two car notes are due, and I'm thinking how, what, and when. Today, I confided in a girlfriend who spoke nothing but negative into our situation and that has really bought weariness into my spirit and depressed me. She said that maybe God does not intend for him to have a church now or for him to be a preacher. She also said that I have got to get my full of this situation. I'm very hurt and sad because I know that God is speaking to my husband, but at the same time I'm having a hard time understanding. My husband said that God told him he is just like the children of Israel, wandering in the wilderness. He stated that he is hindering the blessings that God has for us because he is not being obedient and waiting on God, He says that every job he has had, God did not lead him to take. I prayed and asked God to help me to understand what he is speaking to my husband, because my faith is week and I'm doubting. I cried out to God because I can't confide in anyone because no one understands what I'm going through. I have no one on this earth that I can talk to who will encourage me or pray with me. The one person I thought I could confide in let me down. I know that man will let me down, but God will never let me down. I just need Godly counsel on this. HOpe to hear from a Pastor's wife soon...

Iola  5/19/2006  This is a good web- site!! I've been a pastors wife for alittle over a year now. We have gone through some pretty tough stuff in that short amount of time.But we are stronger now,thank GOd!! I find myself questioning alot and sometimes being synicol. I wasn't like that before. I love the Lord and I know He's been so good to me.I feel guilty sometimes too. Right now my biggest problem is silly.I'm having a hard time with what I wear. I'm not old and I don't want to dress old-like. I'm attreactive. (not trying to be vain)!! But sometimes I feel it threatens other women. I want to be true to myself but also a good testimony!! This is not at all what I expected! People can be difficult! I especially don't like my parenting being under the scope. Thanks ! Any advice!

Mother goose  5/26/2006  I am a pw and have been for 15 years. I didn't marry a pastor, it sort of just happened and we went from owning our own business (successful, money to spend etc.) to pastoring a small church that has grown from 15 to 150. I have stayed home with our 4 children and have homeschooled them until the last 2 years, as the 2 oldest have become teens, they have requested to go to public school. I have been homeschooling for 11 years and put my all into it. I now am awestruck as to my worth. Add to that turning the big 40, and I still have 2 smaller children, 5 and 2 which I will homeschool until they are older. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels in one place and not feeling very fulfilled. I did have a career which I loved before kids. I don't know if my problem comes from my 2 oldest moving on or that I'm now middleaged and still not able to 'fulfill' myself in a career because of the younger two or what????

1st Lady Nelson  5/30/2006  I married my husband when he was a minister, then after we got married he got ordained as an elder, and now he is Pastor Nelson. I am so nervous!! I have friends who have been pastors wives for some years now, but they too cant really tell me how its going to be like. Our first service will be heald this Thursday as a community bible study!!! I know that God has been dealing with my husband for the past 5 years, so I know God has equiped him for the task, but yet he still has a lot to learn....Any advice? God bless!

Laura  5/31/2006  WOW! What a great site. My name is Laura and I am a 35 year old Pastor's wife "leading" in a church filled with people who are old enough to be retired. I left my church of 3,000 some members, average age "30" for our new church (new to us as of 3 years ago) of 400 or so. Talk about a big change! I left praise and worship music and have gone "back in time" to using hymnals. Not that I think there is anything wrong with this style of worship- I'm just no longer used to it. Unlike some of the stories I have read here, we were welcomed with open arms and open hearts and seem to be very well-liked here. I was VERY nervous and scared to be "leading" people I felt like I should be saying, "Yes Maam" to!! However, everyone at our church has gone out of their way to make us feel comfortable and to let us know that our words, our presence, is meaningful. I feel blessed. We have 3 children, all daughters. Our youngest being only 5 months old, born the day after Christmas. Any one wanting to chit chat- my computer is always on and my heart is always open! I only wish I had some good advice for "Losing my Identity". I will surely pray about it. God's PEACE all.

gardengirl  6/1/2006  I have just heard about this website where pastors wives can talk freely about what bothers them. My husband answered his calling July 1996. It's been a ride for sure. You have all heard the saying that there are three kind of preachers....God called, self-called, and mama called. Well, my husband was for sure not mama called. His parents have been church goers and devoted Christians for over 40 years, but were totally against their son preaching. It was a real struggle just starting out. They went as far as sending 2 preachers (one being my husbands uncle) to our house to tell him he had not been called to preach. This happened the day before he was to preach his first sermon so you can imagine he was ready to quit before he even got started. The reason they were so against him preaching is because I was married before. I was in a very abusive relationship (both physically and emotionally), I know of at least two different women my first husband had affairs with, the last one of which he is married to today. I prayed and studied very hard before I filed for my divorce. I also prayed and studied what the Bible had to say about divorce before I would agree to marry my now husband. I knew I loved him and wanted to marry him, but I also knew how his family would feel about us getting married knowing I was divorced. It was almost like I had to wear the scarlet letter so all could see. Once I got peace from God about marrying my husband, I said yes. Six years after our wedding, he told me God had called him to preach. He never told his parents until the day he announced his calling. They happen to be at church with us that day. So, it has been a battle and I know it was only the devil trying to destroy our work. Since then, his parents have come around and realized that I was completely biblical in my divorce and have started supporting their son. My husband is pastoring his 2nd church and we are growing daily both spiritually and in numbers. Please keep us in your prayers. I look forward to talking with other pw's and getting advice.

MIR  6/2/2006  I've been a pastor's wife for almost 30 years, two churches. This one for nearly 17 years. Things have been pretty good till lately with 2 new women attending. They have come against me. Pulled me in an office and said some pretty mean thing. I'm a Bible teacher, and lead our prayer meetings. Recently those two women started coming to our prayer meeting. They ripped me apart about the way I pray, and said that I said things that were unscriptural, when I was sharing from my heart. Right now I just want to run away and I may do it after my Prechool is finished on the 16th. My husband is having a meeting tonight with one of the women and her husband. Had a board meeting last night and had full support. These women want my exclusive friendship. I've had it. I have no place to go, but I am leaving this month. I'm starting menopause, (I'm 49) and I am tired of being the one put in everthing they don't like. I hope to find a place to go to get some encouragement, but if not, I'm still leaving. I have 2 kids left at home, 12 and 6, boy and girl. Someone, if you know where I can go to get some ministry, just me, let me know.

Still in pain  6/2/2006  My family needs all the prayers we can get. Only Three years ago we had everything God and life could offer. My husband was a Pastor of a small church, our grown children was all in church. Life was hard as a pastor but good in the Lord. Well, three years ago my husband got hurt by some deacons and church members and they made it so hard on us he had to resign. When a little click gets started in a small church and they decide that your time is up, it can be rough. God was not in any of the this. Before we knew it three months had went by and we had stop going to church. Our grown children and their family stop too. (They got hurt and seen how much pain their father and I went through too.) So they stop going. Now it is three years later and we all are out of church. My husband has not preachered in two years and he is so sad. Just last sunday I went to church that our friend pastors at and went to the alter. I laid it all down and told God how sorry I was for everything. Yes, it was wrong for the church members to run us off but it is our fault for staying out of church for so long. Now my husband will not go to church anywhere. He says he does not want to get hurt again. And has just stop going, preaching, talking about God. He is like a fish out of water. We have been fighting more these past three years than ever before in our 35 years of marriage. I know what it means when you sayto be personal with God. Because I have to stop and say Lord I am coming home. I am tired of all the hurt, crying, pain and loneliness. I don't understand why all of this has happen to us. My family has been in church, working for God all our marriage life - up until three years ago. I need your prayers for staying close to God and moving on in the path of the cross --- with or with my husband. I want him to get back in church with me but only God can move him. I just pray that God will have mercy on us until he moves. Please I am BEGGING anyone and everyone to pray for me and my family. They need the Lord back in their lives. thank you and God bless you.
Psalms 121  6/16/2006  I've' just experienced the same thing. My husband went on a retreat and while he was gone some the members of the board got together and decided they didn't want our leadership anymore and voted us out of the church. This is the first time in 23 years that my husband doesn't have a church. For the past month we have been visiting other churches and now that we have this "new found freedom" I'm just hoping and praying that we don't get too comfortable in it. It's actually a welcomed relief not to be tied down to a congregation and having to deal with all that a pastor deals with. I just pray that he doesn't lose his zeal for preaching after having doing it every Sunday for the past 23 years. I know he misses it but I think this rest is well overdue. I pray that your husband and your children will soon find healing. Just keep the faith and pray for them that God will bring restoration and peace of mind.
E  6/2/2006  I am a youth pastors wife. I am a grown woman and mother who continues to grow everday in the Lord. I am not not some little kid or a teenager and I am frustrated right now that because God has called my husband and I to serve in our student ministry there is an automatic stereotyping within the church. It feels very hurtful that I'm not even respected as a woman or an adult. Most of the time I feel hindered by our Sr. Pastors wife because of her own insecurities. It's something I've talked with her about, but it still doesn't change. She tries to make up excuses to pull me down and it's very angering because it's on purpose! I've told her before that I don't want to step on her toes or anything.. she's says oh no not at all... but then her actions speak total opposite! I'm trying to be patient and pray and love but I feel so stuck in a position where I feel called to women's ministry and according to her I'm not aloud to feel that way because she wants to be in control. What do I do?

???  6/4/2006  Hello! I am not a Pastors wife, but soon to be one. But i have a question...It has stunned me to have barely learned this just now. I am 20 years old and i am truly a Bible believer. I have heard from one pastors wife that a pastors wife should not work (with exception of the ministry of course). Iv'e been searching for answers from others because this is a topic that had not been risen in my local church. There's no doubt that i will go to my Father for His direction through His Word, however, i did want to hear some feedback from the pastors wives of today. Thank you.

submitted  6/5/2006  I am grateful that I have found this web site for I have been crying out to God for someone other than my husband to talk to. My husband and are from Canada and have recently taken a pastorate in the U.S. Things have been going fairly well but over the last couple of months the finances of the church have dropped off drastically. When we came here they agreed to pay us a certain amount but we have not even been receiving a quarter of that amount over the last few weeks. The Lord has been providing for us in various ways but I am finding the whole thing very stressful. Neither one of us have the option of getting another job because we are here on a religous workers visa. This past week we do not even have money to buy groceries or gas. I know that the Lord brought us here and I know that He is able to provide but I guess right now I am saying how God how? Please pray that the Lord will prove Himself to us again and that my heart will remain pure towards the people.

Linda  6/7/2006  To Lady Alone, I wish I had read your post earlier... I do not mean to sound flip, but you need to make an appointment with a Marriage and Family Counselor NOW and make your husband attend- drag him there if you have to. You might be able to find a Pastoral Counselor who specializes in marriage and family. What you have described is a pastor who is on the verge of ruining his marriage AND his ministry. His involvement "with one particular woman" is dangerous in the extreme, and your description of the deterioration of your own relationship sends up HUGE red flags. I've been a pastor's wife for over 30 years, and my husband has served on the board which oversees ordained pastors in our denomination- I have seen this happen before- some women throw themselves at pastors, and if the pastor is vulnerable or doesn't "think like that", he can be compromised before he knows what hit him. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional help- one advantage to seeing a professional counselor is they cannot gossip about you. Losing My Identity, I would give you the same advice- make an appointment for both of you to go to a Pastoral Counselor who does Marriage and Family work. You married your husband with a set of expectations, but things have a way of changing, so you may have to learn to deal with life in the ministry. However, feeling like you are losing your identity is a serious problem, and you have also described a deterioration in your relationship. To your husband, the lifestyle of the ministry seems normal- he may not understand why you have a problem with it. Ministers who neglect their own marriage for the church have their priorities out of whack- God did not give a pastor a wife/children so that he could neglect them- his FIRST duty as a minister is to his family. Most health insurance companies today will pay for counseling. has a nationwide list of counselors who have volunteered to provide low-cost or even free counseling to pastoral families. I will keep both of you in my prayers. God bless and keep you.

direction  6/7/2006  My husband has been a minister for about 9yrs. He has been invited to several churches to preach the Word of God. He preaches very well, with clear understanding that a baby could even understand. When he speaks God's word to his people, you can feel the presents of God there. I beleive that he is a ture man of God. Now, as years go by, God has called he to be a Pastor. Our Pastor at the church we attened felt and told my huband that he will not be with him much longer. My husband will led God's people to victory in thier lives. I know when he becomes a Pastor I will be a pastor's wife. I am 30 yrs old with 2 small childern. My husband and I have been married 5 yrs. To tell you the truth i am scared about the whole situation. You see, I know I have a calling on my life for young women that is going though rough situations. I been there through it all whatever you can think of I can testify. But GOD! Glory be to God! He saw me through. I know that I did'nt come out of those situations just to keep them to my self. I am just not a speaker like my husband. I'm not trying to compete with him. I just want to do my best for God and my husband. Already I'm helping him type his sermons etc. That is not a problem doing things in that nature. I know that within my husband ministery I have one also. Please pray with me that I overcome this fear of not doing my best and some direction in want to do in what God has in plan for my family.

Toto  6/9/2006  What a blessing it is to have a site where pastor's wives can communicate with one another. I would love to participate in any way. Sometimes I need to share with another pastor's wife, and at present there is no one available. The time is generally short when we cross paths after or before a church service. And after that, there is no further communication because of our busy schedules. So it's nice to be able to communicate with someone who understands at a time when you can be relaxed and not on anyone's schedule. So please email me at anytime just to say hello, share, for prayer or encouragement. I definately welcome the opportunity to give and to receive what God desires to share between us. May teh Lord Bless You ALL...

7/9/2006  Thanks so much for your willingness to share. I very often feel alone with no close friend to really share my deepest thoughts on being a pastor's wife with. I feel that I'm obligated to minister, smile and minister, but many times I'm running on empty. I cry alot and I'm concerned that I'm not emotionally healthy alot of the time. I know this is not God's abundant life for me, but it feels like being in a rut. I don't want to be a hypocrite, but it is hard to stand up when there isn't anyone to stand with you. My husband is very driven and leader oriented. There's a woman who has made many overly friendly advances toward him. He avoids the situation as much as possible but I dread being at church or anywhere around her, especially when she is around him. How can I overcome these insecure feelings with confidence and hope for the future? Satan is trying to render me helpless! Please pray for me and let me pray for you. Any advice would be appreciated.

fivehursts  6/9/2006  Oh my goodness, have I ever needed this! I am a 32 year old PW. We have only been in the full-time ministry for 4 years. My DH had been a youth pastor but we moved onto to full-time senior ministry. We have pastored two in a huge city but a small church (about 50) and now a small town with a church of about 250...I am not sure which one is harder! We only moved here 1 1/2 years ago. We came away from our first church a bit hurt but wiser nonetheless. We have experienced peace and enjoyed our time here...until the last six months. Our children have been under complete attack by the devil and he is using our church members. We are raising three children, two boys (11/7) and one girl (5). I have never been very confident in my parenting ability anyway, but over the last year, either my children have completely forgotten how to act or they are being very much watched by many members in our church. We have been getting complaint after complaint and dealing with each one. On top of all that, we decided that we were going to send our children to the public school (again, I live in a small town) and there are some in our church that are upset that we didn't send our children to the christian school that used to be at our church years ago but not in any way associated with it now. This has gone to such a grand scale that a deacon came and chewed my DH out for two hours recently for his lack of support for the christian school and then the behavior of our children...his children are absolutely no angels...but OF COURSE WE COULDN'T SAY THAT! I am really struggling here. My feelings are so hurt, my children are so hurt, my DH is so hurt. We even considered whether this was the church for us...but we didn't feel now was the time to make that decision as we knew that we would be reacting simply out of hurt feelings and not necessarily in the will of God. I guess my question is how do I raise children to continue to love God and the church if they are constantly going to be picked on? How do I raise children to respect the members of our church if they see these same people openly hurt us? How do I raise children in this church when I feel that my ability to raise children is in question as it stands? How do I do it? I am so hurt and have cried for weeks over this and don't have any answers. I will admit that I haven't over 4 weeks...I am so hurt I don't want to pray...I just want to cry and stay in my house and keep my children here where they can't be hurt anymore either. What do I do? How do I face these people that are so nice to my face but ugly behind my back? Is this where the Lord wants us? Is this the place that He needs us to minster or are we just waiting until he moves which I can't stand the thought of staying much longer if he is going to move us on! Can you tell I am depressed? Can you tell!

Laura  6/15/2006  My name is Laura and I made a post a few up from yours on May 31st. It just kills that me that people can complain about your children and them not attending the Christian school. Was there something about madatory attending of the Christian school included in the this call? My daughter (I have 3 but only one school-aged) used to attend a Private Christian school too but our church is not associated with it. For a few reasons, alot of it financial, we pulled her out and had her attending public school for the 1st time this year. My husband who is a Pastor was very much for it and I was torn, mostly scared of how her life could change for the worse. Well, 2nd grade is over now and I am happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised. My husband says (and I agree with him) that she is a role model for others at school, is able to share Christ's love and be a good example of good Christian behavior to some kids who need that- she is on a mission for Christ already at her age. Inside the walls of a Christian school there may not be a need for showing this, after all, how can you REACH OUT to people in Christian love WHO NEED IT when you are at a Christian school surrounded by those who DON'T????? Use this as an example of why you feel it is important for your kids to be at the public school. Pray about it too. I'm sure you do! I'm also interested in knowing why they feel so strongly that your children need to be in that school to support it? If people truly believed in the power of prayer like they so often say they do, then they would do it more and bully and complain less. If people think your kids need to be better behaved, tell them to pray about it, everyday. Ask them to pray that God guide you in His will for raising these children that He's entrusted you with and to grant you the wisdom that you need to do so. What is their intention in this needing your kids at the Christian school? It sounds very political. It sounds suspiciouly opposite of God's will. And by the way, speaking of God's will, I don't think bullying is His will either. I will pray about this for you. Feel free to talk to me. When I heard you say they want the kids at the Christian school it just made me think of how people get carried away with what others think of them and their church. They take away the cross and toss in their own intentions and then use God's name on it. It seems they care what other people think. Where is God in all that? Sometimes I think people who have their kids at private school LACK faith, including myself at one time. Who was I to think that God can't and wouldn't keep my child safe at school?? I pray that she is safe and resists evil don't I... well then who am I to think God won't be with her???!!! God's peace soon- Laura

Me  6/21/2006  Fiveshurst, don't give in to the pressure that is being placed on you by members of your church. You have to really stand firm in your relationship with God and know who you are in Christ. Get soaked in the Word of God and stay in there. Don't retreat from God's Word until you have really allowed Him to fill you up. You are to be an e xample for the world to see Christ in you. I understand it's tough, but it's only tough when we let our emotions rule and not the Word of God to take precedence over what we feel. Put all your emotions in check and let the love of our Almighty Father comfort your entire being, your soul. Don't look to man for the answers, look to God. Isaiah 2:22 says, "Stop trusting in man who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?" God made you with a purpose and allow Him to use your present circumstances to give you wisdom you would have never gained otherwise. All things work together for our good -- all the bad stuff as well as the good stuff works all together to mold us in His image. I've been where you are and still go through the stuff, but I've gained so much from the trials. They only come to make me strong and I'm a tough Sister too! Look to the new mercies God gives us each day. You'll be just fine, watch and see! God Bless and Comfort You.

Ginger  6/11/2006  Has anyone ever been separated from their husband? If yes - can you share any encouragement? I love my husband and want the marriage to be healed. Not my will but Thine will be done Lord.

Sindhu  6/12/2006  Question: I am an Indian woman of 33 years and I am about to marry a pastor who is five years younger than me. His parents are against it because of this age difference. They feel that he will lose face in the church and hence will lose the influence he will have among the church members. They say that according to the Bible, there is no instance in which an older woman marries a younger man.

Songbird  6/13/2006  Age has absolutely nothing to do with love. As far as the Bible goes we do not know the age of everyone in the Bible. If they were so deep and I am not trying to be critical, However, they would know that love covers a multitude of things. Your spirit coveys love just from that little bit of writing. Is your husband to be Indian. Maybe they need to question whether or not it is the fact that you are Indian. Not trying to open up a can of worms or anything. But I know for sure that age does not matter when it comes to love. Why do people have to know your ages anyway. That is a personal anyway. Must we always be such an open book. Just like the woman that had been married before. Unless the people are in the same City or knows someone that you know. Then how will they know that you have been married before, unless you tell them. Even if there are children. My husband was married before, with children and it has not affected the ministry at all. Oh yes issues arise, and will continue to arise, but marital statusif talked about is talked about behind my back, in has not gotten back to me. Honestly I don't think it will. I am saved and I am humble as I can be but when I got saved, I got saved with God's authority. People know how far to go with me. A lot you will have to be duck-backed and know who you are as well as where you are in the Lord. My advice to every PW is Seek God,seek God, Seek God, and please Him. I have also found that it is true of when you hold your peace and let the Lord fight your battle you will always win. lastly, having done all....stand.

Laura  6/17/2006  Why do people get so concerned about what others may think? It's not like "Thou shall not marry an older woman" or "Thou shall not marry a younger man" is the 11th and 12th commandment. Good grief! Aren't there enough problems in the world- do we really have to go and create our own by failing to mind our own business like your soon-to-be inlaws?? What makes a marriage work in my opinion? Having the same goals and the same desire to submit to our Father. If you share those 2 things, and pray together, your marriage will overcome. Peace be with you.

deb  6/17/2006  My mother is an Indian woman who married a pastor! I am also a pastor's wife! You must first ask yourself if you are ready for a life of ministry! When you marry a pastor you marry the church as well! Your lives will be up for examination by every one! What you are feeling is just the beginning of people questioning whether you are right for each other! Remember what God put's together NO MAN can separate! You must pray and seek God and ask Him to give you many obvious confirmations about this marriage! I am 32 years old and I married a Pastor 10 month's ago! WOW! It is also hard because I am the only person of my culture in the entire church! Age is not the issue! There is NO evidence in the Bible that God does things based on age! That's not a fair or true judgement! email me if you like!

Kendal  6/29/2006  Your future in-laws did not call your fiance to pastor and work in the ministry. If your fiance is called to pastor, then he is called by God Almighty, not by Mom and Dad. I encourage you to pray for your fiance's parents and ask God to bring peace to the situation.

denise  6/12/2006  Question? My husbands church has decided not to renew his contract. It is a small rural churhc 9the town has 231 people) but there is a lot of underlying strife and the churhc has been known as a "pastor eater". He is a second career pastor and these past five years have been his first church. The problem is, I have been staying home due to extended family illnesses and endstage illness. We did not plan for it to take so long and his salary is minimal, so we have no savings and a lot of bills. The church says that we have until 7/15 to leave the parsonage or come up with money to pay them (which if we are still there means we have not found a ministry and cannot pay them), and we are in the middle of the search process which the congregation doesn't seem to understand is not the same as finding a job and will take time. We have nowhere to go, no way to pay bills including car payment and insurance, get medicine and pay for doctors, and get food. Is there help out there for pastors who are in between? I hold fast to God's promis for a hope and a future that we are told about in Jerimiah, but I also no that we have to look for the resources and gifts god has available. If you can help or if you would pray for our family I would appreciate it. thanks, Denise

Wanda  6/13/2006  Do all pastor's wife have to be the headleader in the womwn's group?

Annie  6/15/2006  I thank God for this site. When I read some of the entries, I realised that I was not alone in this. Most of the things my sisters are experieincing are just similiar. one can see that the one behind it all is the same guy(satan). this reminds me of one e-mail I once read saying that the devil normally used the same strategy at just watch how one respond to it. If he sees that it is effective he continue to use it. I have been married for almost 17 years now. My husband and I met at the seminary while we were training for ministry. After seving probation we started a ministry almost 11 years ago. The experiences I have, is that of loneliness, a feeling of rejection by church members, disregard and disrespect from members. I sometimes get a feeling that if the church could separate me from my husband they could have done that. They caused me to feel that I am the bad one and my husband is the good guy. One once mentioned one day that she loved her pastor the problem is only with the wife(me). Though I am not generally a public person (I don't always like to appear in front of many people), I know that I have a role to play in the ministry. Oneday there was a pastor's appreciation day and we were called to the front to be given gifts etc. to my dissapointment all the praises and gift went to my husband. It was asif I was not there. It is maybe not a big deal but it hurt if you realised that peoplpe whom you are seving are not thinking of you. If they couldn't appreciate me how can they be praying for me. The second problem I have in the ministry is that I find it difficult to work with my husband. I am employed at a very busy company on a full time basis while my husband is full time in the ministry. We have 5 children. The problem between us is communication. Most of the time I will just hear of something if people in the church ask me qustions of things I don't know anything about. I always feel so naked, so embarassed. When I ask him he normally say that he forgot(another of my noghtmares). I am the one who tries most of the time to communicate and to it seems asif I am irritating him as he get annoyed. As I emntioned ealier, I am employed but I am doing almost all the administration of the church after hours without pay (it doesn't matter). I am wondering always what the job of a fultime pastor is because I don't see anything that he does during the day or month. I do the filing, brochures, bookkeeping and also prepare his presentations. If we have a seminar or workshop he will be preparing his things the day before the event also only after I am back from work. I suggested a number of things but he worn't agree or disagree but he won't just do anything. I have been asking him many times how he keep himself busy during the month or day he can just respond or account what he is doing with his time. As I also keep the books of the church, I will need him to provide me with some receipts in order for me to process the financial data, he will take weeks before he provide me with it. every day he will say he forgot,and tomorrow too and so it goes. he says I msut remeind him, if I do he says I am treating him like a child. Forgive me if I sound negative but I sometimes get very bad thoughts about my husband, I sometimes doubt his intergrity, I sometimes suspect that he is involved in something not right like maybe stealing the money of the church and cheating on me or hiding something. One of the things is the fact that 95% of his excuses is that "he forgot". I once ask him what I can do to help him but he siad that I will help if I don't repeat it(which I think I remind him). If I also don't remind him he will forgot that he forgot that he forgot. It is really frustrating. When I call for a meeting he will sit there and listen (H e is generally and introvert) all that I am lamenting and would not say anything except " are you through" and he will walk off. In the church he will always make some simple excuses which makes me so angry. sometimes I feel like getting out of the church and it will be worsen by those who will even come to tell me " Sister, you must please always remind Pastor". I sometimes think that maybe something is wrong with me. I might be having very high expectations. I always feel that everything is heavily laid on me as my husband is not really pulling along. I am doing a lot of this things to cover him. I feel he is very slothful with the work of the Lord, very disorganised and have no discipline. Moast of the problems we have are church related. I also sometimes feel that after all the bad experinces we had, through the years he doesn't learn anything as I don't see him really working towards change. He repeat the same blunders agaiin and again and one must not even mention it. I started thinking that it is me who is wrong (I might be ). I am maybe too demanding. I am maybe stressing myself unnecessarily, worrying about things that doesn't really matter. The only thing that keep me focus is the Word of God and the knowledge that God is good and can't be approving any bad thing unless it is going to glorify Him at the end. I do alot of soulsearching and prayer and bible reading but I know that God can answer through people too. I don't say I am the angel here but I am just sharing my mind as I desire to speak to someone. As the pastor's wife you cannot be talking to anyone except God. Do you think that I am too judmental on my husband? I feel that I am not getting a lot of support from him for ministry purposes. I have decided to pull back and just be an observer, do you think is right? We have a fast growing church of around 200 members and is always scared by the vision of our ministry but he continue to be just relaxed ( negligent) Please respond to me.
ready for revival  6/16/2006  I just got done watching the movie "End of the Spear" Wow what courage! I feel inspired to do more for Jesus! I am a PW and have been pastoring the church that my husband and I have started for 21 years. It feels like I'm just getting started. We serve a big God!! Pastoring has been a true joy for me. We have seen many souls saved through the years and are experiencing a true call to prayer and revival. There have been times in ministry that seemed very difficult but I have always taken those times and asked God how I could grow from them. My 2nd son is going to bible school to be a Pastor and he's planning to get married to a lovely girl next year. As I was in church the other day, I felt very inspired to write a book for my soon to be daughter in law. Some things could have been easier for me if I had a mentor or a book to help me with some practical helps and stories so I felt the leading of the Lord to write one to encourage her and other young pastors wives. If anyone has some advice for this book or a story, please write back on this page and share them with me. This could help many young women. Be Blessed and stay encouraged!!!

Deb  6/17/2006  Ladies, I have my own "Laundry List" like all of you! I understand your pain because I have my own! GOD MUST OF THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT US, BECAUSE HE PUT US ALL IN THE LEADERSHIP POSITION OF A PASTORS WIFE! Satan wants us to lose hope and faith and RUN! Don't give up! I would like to start a "NOON TIME PRAYER" WE PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER WHERE EVER WE ARE! EVERYDAY! EMAIL me,I am a new PASTOR'S WIFE. I have NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY where we are!
aloneinacrowd  6/20/2006  My husband and I have been married 18+ years, and over 11 of those have been in ministry. We were college sweethearts, and both knew we'd eventually end up in full-time ministry. Well, here we are, and I must say it's been quite a ride. We have 4 children, ranging from 14 to 8. I was a stay-at-home mom until our youngest started Kindergarten, and then I went to work full-time. I LOVE my job--sometimes it's the only sane part of my day. We have struggled financially most of our marriage. We went through a consumer credit counseling service a few years ago, and we ended up worse than when we began. As a result, we eventually filed a Chapter 13 bankruptcy. We opted to pay back 100%--the interest stopped building and we were able to set up a repayment plan. It's been almost 4 years, and we have about 10-12 months left before we're completely debt-free except for 1 car payment. I guess I thought taking away some of our financial pressure would help our marriage, but we seem to be on a downward spiral. I feel like my husband has time and energy for everyone except me. He spends time praying with/ministering to anyone in the congregation who has a need. He spends time with our children (He's really a GREAT dad!). But I feel completely left out. He stays up late every night--saying he'll come to bed in a few minutes, but I'm usually asleep by the time he actually does come to bed an hour or two later. He doesn't pray with me anymore. He's not interested in sex. I don't know what to do! He says part of his frustration is that I'm not supportive of his ministry. My question is: How do I support his ministry when people in the church have done nothing but hurt me over the past 5 years? The church we are currently in has been such a drain on him, me and our marriage that I don't even want to be there anymore....My husband pours his heart into every sermon, every bible study, every event, and all they seem to do is criticize. He has poured his energy into his ministry the point that he is much more intimate with them than he is with me. I've tried to be involved. I have a degree in Christian Education and my job involves creative design for posters, brochures, etc., but everytime I've offered to help with any of those things, I get blown-off and ignored. I've tried teaching Sunday school and bible studies, and there is just no support. I've never been in a church that doesn't want my involvement. I've always been very active in teaching, counseling, VBS, etc., etc. On top of all this, there are a couple of females on the ministry team that have what I consider an unhealthy attachment to him. He assures me there's nothing to worry about, but I think he's setting himself up for trouble. He tends to relate better to women than most men in the church, and I have told him over and over how dangerous that is, but I think he believes he is invincible. When I've suggested counseling, his response is, "I can't go to therapy. If I go people will think there's something wrong with me, and my ministry will be affected negatively." I wonder how his ministry will be affected when he has an affair or goes through a divorce? The past few years have really made me question myself and God. What is God's purpose in allowing all of this? If God is real, why doesn't He make a difference in our lives, and especially in our pastors' families and in our churches? Doesn't the Bible say they'll know we are Christians by our love? I'm not seeing love in our church--I'm seeing people fighting for their own kingdoms, not for the Kingdom of God. It's so discouraging to see all these postings....Is there any hope for the church in America if our pastors can't find the time to care for their own families? I guess I'm not looking for answers so much as just needing a place to vent. I'm encouraged to know I'm not alone, but I'm also discouraged to see what a widespread epidemic we have of pastors' wives who are wounded and lonely. I have to remind myself daily that our God has overcome the world, and He is big enough to restore our marriages and mend our broken hearts.

Laura  7/9/2006  I agree with you, how discouraging it is to see SO MANY Pastor's wives on here complaining that they are mistreated and lonely. I for one come from a GREAT congregation of people whom have been nothing but loving and supportive of myself and my husband as their Pastor. We are very blessed. We have 3 daughters, one whom is age 1 and runs down the aisle to Dada during worship!! It's cute but embaressing but thank God, everyone chuckles at this. We also have a 6 month old and an 8 year old so worship can be interesting since I don't have the help I would have if my husband was sitting next to me. I write for our church newsletter, a section called "Grace Happens" as does my husband and people love our writings. Infact, they love our family and we get nothing but compliments on our presence at this call. So much so, I'd be afraid to move reading what I have read! So there you have it- some positive feedback. I am not sure why people criticize so many things pastor's and their wives do. "Love one another" is in the Bible and so is "If you love one another then they will know you are my disciplies." Jesus answered this to one of his disciples who asked him how people will know they are his diciples. John 13:35 So many people forget Jesus's most important commands... the 1st commandment and His new commandment to "Love one another- as I have loved you" So many forget that Jesus said those were the 2 most important commandments- they mean more than anything else- any other rule- any law that came before them- yet people fail to love one another every second of every day. Thank God I am reminded that Christ doesn't save us FROM our disasters, HE SAVES US IN THEM!!! Reach for Him!

Sally  7/13/2006  I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you are going through with your marriage. Sadly, your husband seems to think that hiding your problems is better than working them out. My husband has taken the approach that if a pastor is sending people to counselors and therapy, he should also be willing to go himself! If he says he isn't willing to go, he is a hypocrite if he suggests it to others. Honestly, I think one of the biggest ways Satan works is telling pastors they have to appear perfect all of the time. It keeps pastors from dealing with some deep issues in their lives and marriages. A pastor's marriage needs to be the strongest possible because ministry is so challenging! If he won't go to counseling, at least try to read through a book together (The Five Love Languages has helped my marriage greatly!) to open communication about your marriage again. Please tell him what you are concerned about in your marriage. God is able to work in this situation just as he does in many others. I will pray for you, your marriage, and your husband's heart.

7/31/2006  I have been able to identify greatly with your situation. I too have four children and have been in the ministry for over 15 years. Continue to feed your desire to serve God where he has gifted you. You have so much to offer. There will always be negative people (they usually have much pain in their own lives). One of the worst feelings I have ever experienced is letting something or someone stop me from letting God use me in his way. I identify with your hurt of feeling lonely and left out of your husband's ministry. The relationship between the two of you is his and your greatest example of God's love for mankind and to your congregation. Satan will make every attempt to undermine it. BUT, I can attest that God is much stronger and he wants your marriage relationship to be intimate and strong. Even though it is hard when you are feeling unloved, find ways to build up your husband as a good father, husband and minister. Be specific and let him know you appreciate him. Don't be afraid to tell him you desire him and want special time with him, but do it in a non offensive way. Though it is uncomfortable, ask him to discuss with you boundaries regarding other women and you be willing to discuss boundaries regarding other men. These are two extremely good books to help with intimacy in your marriage Boundaries and Love and Respect. Praying for you: hope, trust and intimacy.

FAITH  6/23/2006  I've read so many of the pleas for help, encouragement & prayer requests that I quickly lost sight of my needs. I know that all of the situations that we face as who we are in Christ can only be taken care of by Him. I know that there are times lately that I too find myself entertaining thoughts of fleeing & finding peace serving God where nobody knows me but God. But I quickly realize that no matter what I do or where I go God is still in control of my life! He has always been so faithful & true in my life, when noone else has..He has! So I remind myself that I am where I am for God's service (winning the lost for Christ)! People at church are going to come & go. I will never allow people to make me feel my only alternative is to leave! Up until 4 years ago I felt content being a wallflower. But that is not God's idea for me..So seeing as His thoughts on my behalf are so much higher than mine I'm going with His! My God has been the very source of my strength, peace in the midst of every storm, my JEHOVAH JIREH (MY PROVIDER)! i HOPE THAT NOONE IS READING THIS & THINKING THAT I HAVE NOTHING GOING ON...I just have chosen in the last week to allow God to shine in my present circumstance & He has! We must remember to always wear our armor DAILY! Even though you may feel the knot at the end of your rope has frayed just cry out to God for help & He will! Please feel free to e-mail me anytime!

betsyj  6/24/2006  I am drawn to the sad story of Mary Winkler. I think we can all identify with her feelings of loneliness, isolation, and loss of her mother, being a young mother herself, and being in a small town -- being all things to all people. We do not know what happened, but each of us knows the loneliness, the isolation, the glass house, the demands on our husband's time. Obviously we all need to know that we are not alone in the things we experience and feel in the ministry. It is truly a wonderful role we are asked to fill, but it is also a lonely role as well. There is help beyond our own small world. We have to seek God first, and pray every day for the guidance we need, and to seek out friends on forums such as these to help us through the long days! I pray for Mary Winkler every day because she is one of us. She needs our prayers. We need to pray for each other.

Sally  6/25/2006  My husband has been a pastor for around 2 years now, and we are starting a new church where we live. For some reason, I take it very personally when people say they will be somewhere (aka a meeting, small group, church service) and then they never show and always seem to have some ridiculous excuse when we talk with them later. I wish they would just leave the church if they aren't committed! We are still very small (25 people), so if someone says they're bringing food to an event and then doesn't show up, it's a big deal. Have any of you dealt with this, and how did you learn to leave it in God's hands and not take it so personally? Also, has anyone had experience as a youth pastor's wife? I confess that I am deeply hurt because when we left our previous church, the lead pastor lied about his actions to the elders to make himself look good at my husband's expense. This was over 6 months ago and I'm still hurt by it! I'm glad to be away from that church, but I harbor bitterness that I need to get rid of.

kelly  7/16/2006  hi there sally i can fully understand your frustration when people say they are coming and then for some silly reason do not turn up. i am a young pastor my husband and i have started a pioneer work in australia only 3 months ago. We work tire-sly inviting and witnessing to people to come to church to hear and receive Gods gift of salvation. Many times people people promise to come and you wait holding your breath for them to turn up, only to be disappointed. At first this really bothered me and I too took it personally sometimes feeling angry at people thinking do they not even have the dignity to keep their word. then God spoke to me one Sunday morning as i prayed whole heartedly before church that the battle we fight is not carnal but spiritual and the devil is working hard on these people and instead of getting angry or feeling personally put out ,rejected or betrayed by people i need to press in and plead for their souls in prayer and be a testimony of Gods patience and forgiveness in their lives. When God changed me the circumstances changed and lately we have seen people i was about ready to give up on due to their unreliable nature come in and be gloriously saved . Praise God I hope this can encourage you

Libby  6/27/2006  The Pastor's Wife: She's a Godly woman, she has such grace, Always a warm greeting, a smile on her face, She's always encouraging, she knows her place, She is - The Pastor's Wife! She has to always look just right Always on time, though the schedule's tight, From early morning, til late at night, Always - The Pastor's Wife! She's such a Lady, everyone's friend, She serves with love from deep within, All of the rifts she tries to mend, Oh she's - The Pastor's Wife! She carries your burdens, she prays for you, Sometimes she cries the whole night through, But you won't know when she's feeling blue 'Cause she's - The Pastor's Wife! At church as she starts to walk up the aisle, So many need to stop and talk for awhile, Though she is tired, she has her own trials, She's patient, she's - The Pastor's Wife! Her life, her time is not her own, There's always a need, they go on and on With a knock on the door or a ringing phone, That's the life of - The Pastor's Wife! Her husband she shares with a whole congregation, She humbly accepts his intense dedication, In loneliness she kneels to seek consolation, God Bless - The Pastor's Wife! She will someday reach the end of her race, As she meets her Master, face to face, Surely our God had a Special Place, In heaven for - The Pastor's Wife! Yes, ladies, sometimes it is hard being a Pastor's Wife, but it was hard for Jesus to go to the cross too. Nothing surprises God! He knows how our husbands and church members are but He knew we could handle it so that's why we are Pastor's wives. When things get tough give it to Him, He is faithful to take care of us and our faithfulness will be rewarded one day. And remember, "....whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men" Colossians 3:23.

Psalms 121  7/21/2006  Libby, Libby, Libby, that should be on a LABEL, LABEL, LABEL!!!!! YOU'VE SAID IT ALL!!!

flower  8/28/2006  Libby my sister I understand what you are going through right now. For a very long time I thpught my husband was cheating on me too. If he did or not I will never really know but what I did after asking him and he denied it was I went into a serious phase of prayer and fasting and I also became a new woman. How?? I studied the wemen I thought he aws having an affair with and also those whom he admired or looked at. then I changed my style of dressing, cooking, acting and even my attitude towards him and those girls and you know what, you are the best thats why he married you. Do not relax or slacken. Pray to God to guide you and he will soon come back home and you will also discover something new about yourself. Aim to be the modern Proverbs31vs10- end and see who will change his ways and start treating you like the only person left in the world. you will also find the challenge very healthy for your marriage.

Beth  11/2/2006  That was great the little poem- I loved it it was the best entry yet and ya know what sister your right this is the real thing baby hold on tight you little Pastor's wife!!!!

Sarah  6/28/2006  I have been reading what everyone has to say on this site and it is very interesting and helpful. I am a pastor's wife and I love it. I do need help and prayer. My husband and I started a church with six people almost four years ago. We have been growing steadily and it has been such a wonderful and rewarding experience. I have been the secretary from the beginning and although it was not a big job back then it has grown into full time work. I love doing it. I wouldn't want to do anything else in the world. My problem is I feel so greedy and I need prayer to help me with that. I just want the feeling to go away. We have four children and it has really been on my mind that I should get a job to help with the finances. But I would not be able to do both the job and the church secretarial work. When I mention this to my husband, he says we will just have to pay someone to do it. This is where the greed comes in. There is a stigma here about paying the pastor's wife to work. Am I not good enough. I just feel so bad. Can anyone understand? I just want to be at peace. Thanks for listening.

Jennifer  6/29/2006  I need some help! My husband has pastored a smwll rural church for the past ten years. We were married approximately 2 1/2 years ago and now have a 1 year old daughter. Last year, a church called my husband to see if he would be interested in interviewing for their senior pastor position. At the time, we were very settled where we were and my husband wasn't really interested, but the church was far different than our present church and had the potential for bigger challenges to his ministry, so he decided to talk to them. Once we went to interview, my husband became so fired up and passionate about his faith (something he didn't realize at the time that he had begun to lose). We felt that this was the Lord leading us away from our comfort zone and into a challenging and uplifting experience. However, after narrowing their search to my husband and one other, they chose to go with the other man. We were hurt and disappointed (I couldn't understand how I had misread God's will. I was sure he was leading us to this church). But, we decided that maybe this was God's way of pushing my husband out of the familiar and igniting a willingness to be led elsewhere. So my husband opened his profile and we looked foreard to finding the church that God had for us. My husband began feeling God's leading to the church that I grew up in and that my parents still attend. He was so sure that God's will was for him to lead that church and love them back to health after a bad experience with the previous minister. The road has been rocky, but time and again, we have been encouraged by others that they felt God's will was for us to be in that church as well. And we truly felt God working in the process. As a result, my husband turned down other churches who were interested in him. Now, we just found out that after narrowing the search to my husband and another man, they chose to go with the other guy. What's worse, their reason for skipping over my husband was because they were afraid that if things didn't work out, my parents would leave the church. Apparently, they said my husband was their top choice, but they were too afraid of my parents leaving that they weren't willing to risk it. They didn't even interview my husband so that he could address the family issue. They just ruled him out because of his family ties. We are both angry, but most of all, my husband is hurt. He truly felt God's call to this church, and now he questions that call. He feels rejected and has said that he is a failure. I have tried to encourage him and point out that this situation had nothing to do with his abilities as a pastor. But right now, he is so depressed. I am so sad for him and want so badly to heal his pain, but I know I can't do that. I think he feels very far away from God right now and I don't know how to help him see God through this hard time. Not only is this going on, but his beloved mother died about 2 months ago. He feels that we are back to square one in terms of finding a church and no churches have called in quite a while. If anyone has any past experiences that are similar and have some words of advise, wisdom, encouragement, I would so appreciate it. Most of all, I covet your prayers for my husband and for our continued search for a church home. We are still at the small rural church, but my husband feels so disengaged right now and is ready to leave. The waiting is so hard! Thank you for reading/listening. God bless to you all.

Laura  7/9/2006  It sounds like your husband was getting ahead of himself assuming that he would be going to your parent's church and now that he isn't he is hurt and angry and pouting about it. Pray that he can accept God's will because truly if it were God's will for him to be at that church- he would be there already. It wasn't God's will, he needs to get over that, stop feeling sorry for himself and wait for his next call. God needs to lead not him- maybe that's the lesson God's waiting for him to learn! I will pray about it for you all- peace

Aderinsola  6/30/2006  I am very grateful to God for the opportunity to learn from the experience. this is my first time of reading from you. I know God is preparing me for the tasks ahead of me. by September, this year (2006) my husband will be ordained as Asst. Pastor and myself as Deaconess in the church we've been attending since 1997. My husband is 49 years old while I'm 33 years old. My husband has been called for this ordination since 3years ago but he always refuses that he is not yet convinced,he also refuses to teach in the altar but he loves going out for visitation, evangelist both members and new convert.He keep on saying that he want to be an evangelist minister not a pastors, untill he was told my our pastors that Pastoral job goes also with evangelism. Things began to turn outside in our family untill He allowed himself to be called for teaching in the altar(teaching on behalf of our head-pastors on tuesdays and thursday) then things started changing to better in our home). When I heard of this year 2006 ordination, I called attention of pastors to help me to pray for him and persuade him to answer the call. eventually, he has surrender. Our church have many branches more than 100branches, precently he is assisting the head pastor in our Mission center. I am an intercessor leader in the mission church (with 3 churches under us) I am not in choir but I do sing a special number and members enjoyed it. I love serving God all the time. I have the same experience of WILLIAMS despite the fact that I am not a pastor's wife yet, but I also assist my pastor's wife in the church (i.e. preparation of Holy-communion, leading a prayer in women fellowship meeting etc) but some elder doesn't like me, I try to force them. I am a computer operator in civil servant we closed at 4pm. Now, that we are going to be ordained very soon, Please advise me what it take to be a pastor's wife and how I can cope with the calling. Thanks and God bless.

Nervously trapped  7/5/2006  My husband has been in the senior pastorate for few years now. We have been in ministry for 17 years. There is a lady in our neighborhood and her whole family goes to our church. Our boys play together. Her and her husband have had marriage problems and she came to my husband for counseling. We began to get close to their family, but I sensed that she was being too friendly toward my husband and he seemed to think it was harmless at first. She consistently came to our home when I was gone and my husband was home. She also consistently put herself in his path at church and the office. My husband admits now that she is overly friendly and needy. We have prayed about the situation. He has even confronted her husband about her advances. We have both realized that we need to break off contact, but they live by us and go to church with us. This has been such an anxious situation for me. I can't wake up most mornings without worrying about having to see her or her family. How do I move on when I see this person all the time. She also continues to make constant attempts to be around us. Help, I don't want to be sinful or unloving, but I just want to be away from this person. Any advice?

tonya  7/6/2006  I feel your pain, and believe me I totally understand.. It is time that both you and your husband confront this woman.. You may want to pray and ask God as to how you need to approach the situation, but it definitely needs to be addressed. Furthermore, your husband should NEVER allow another woman into your home especially when you are not there. And if she needs counseling, your house is not the place for it. You are the pastor's wife and you guys are a team. Maybe your husband should consider the both of you counseling her together, not only her but her husband as well. One of the things that I have learned especially in ministry is that pastor's should involve their wives in pretty much everything they do.. The Pastor's wife is an extension of the ministry. And even though there are problems in her marriage, maybe your husband should suggest her bringing her husband so that he can counsel the both of them and hear both sides of the story. I will continue to keep you uplifted in prayer, and I pray that God will see you through this! God Bless. From one First Lady to Another.

Marci  7/9/2006  Nervously trapped, My husband and i have been working together in the full-time ministry for 13 years. I understand what you are dealing with and wanted to offer you some advice. Is there an Elders wife or an other mature sister that can help you. It would be good to have someone other than your husband that this person can turn to. It would be good for your husband to redirect her to these people. Also, I encourage you to be open and honest with her about what you see. The bible says in Matt18:15 if your brother sins against you go and show him his fault just between the two of you. It also says in Gal 6:1 if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spirtitual should restore him gently. But watch yourself or you also may be tempted. It is important to not just seperate from this situation with out talking to her. If she continues and does not show repentance by what she does then you will need to bring someone else with you as Matt18:16 says. God is so cool on how he explains to handle relationships with each other throught he bible. I have seen Him less it over and over again when we do it his way and ot our way or the way the world deals with relationships. God wants unity in His body not division. We must do everything to go towards peace with one another. I do not encourage you to have this talk at your home. It is very wise that your husband is stopping contact with her at this point. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any thoughts.

Problem PW  7/13/2006  I am surprised this is the first time you have had this problem. It seems to happen at least every 1-2 months for me. My husband is oblivious until it becomes a problem. I am not oblivious! You have to swallow that nervousness and become "close" to this person. You know keep friends close and enemies "closer". I say enemy because she could potentionally harm your husbands reputation and his ministry. If you remain "close" you will become a "Person" to her. You can even tell her that you read (from me) that there are women that will "fall" and then get "rebuffed" and then go on to say things happened, that really didn't happen and how much trouble it became. Tell your husband no alone time at all with this woman, not even in the yard - she may use it against him. Even Billy Graham, as old as he is, will not ride alone in an elevator with a women. He is beyond repoach.

Hoping to help Nervously trapped  7/24/2006  I haven't been a pastor's wife very long but, my simple advice would be that your husband and you are going to have to confront her face to face with this. Don't do it in a hurtful way simply tell her that it seems to the both of you that she is being a little overly friendly and that you care about her and her circumstances and are glad to help however you can but that she needs to be aware of her actions because people are going to get the wrong idea and that wouldn't be good for either one of you. And let her know that you've already spoken to her husband about this. Just pray before you speak to her that God will open her ears to hear what you are saying to her. I hope your situation changes for the better for you. I'll be whispering prayers for you.

Butterfly  7/25/2006  have you talked with the woman . Perhaps not to tell her your concerns about your husband but to let her know that you need some space right now. Choosing your friends or who you want to spend time aropund is not sinful or unloving its called free will and choice. You can still be friendly but not friends. Ask the lord in prayer to end the relaionship peacefully and he will. Thats the prayer I have prayed when I have realized I have become involved in a friendship that is uncomfortable to me. As Christians we sometimes feel we must be friends with everyone in order to show love. But, some people for our own peace of mind must be loved from a distance. I hope this note has helped.

Sophie  7/30/2006  You are in a tough situation. My heart goes out to you! It sounds that you have allowed this very aggressive woman to intimidate you. You need to quit letting her violate your boundaries! Instead of waiting for her to come to you, go to her! Have you tried visiting her home just to say "Hello?" Or purposefully seeking her out to greet her at church? Also, I would suggest you find a more mature women of God to help you to help your husband. He needs his boundaries protected too! Perhaps this more mature woman of God can intercept the "friendly advances" from this woman. If she sees the woman with your husband, she can "join" the conversation. It sounds like this woman is lonely and very confused. Your husband may be the only person giving her some positive attention. If you decide to reach out to her, be prepared for rejection. But definitely to let her continue to be the aggressor and you sit back passively. Defend your and your husband's boundaries in a Godly manner. Know someone out there is praying for you :)

Madison  8/10/2006  I am a pastor's wife and I completly understand! A family member and his wife went through the SAME THING in the church that they were pastoring at! BREAK OFF CONTACT! Do not "TIP TOE" around the sutuation! My family member ended up having an affair and destroying the church! DO NOT PLAY! BE HONEST! Tell them in a nice way that you both believe in a conservative decorum and standard when it comes to interaction with individuals of the opposite sex! BE PLAIN AND STRAIGHT! DO NOT LET SATAN HAVE A FOOTHOLD in your home! Satan likes to us people who we don't want to hurt their feelings...and then before you know it...that "NICE" person has positioned themself in a destructive position in your home! LOVE, your sister in JESUS!

FAITH  7/6/2006  I just wanted to say to any woman & pw, I don't believe there is any reason or excuse for our sister's in Christ to allow themselves to be drawn to pastors more than any man in the congregation would. I know that my best friend 4 years ago started feeling like she had a right to talk to her pastor anytime she wanted even after I expressed my position to her about respected the boundary lines for me & my family. I noticed her saying alot of times how much of a bond she had with him. I told my husband she was acting too familiar & just like so many people have written he felt like I was questioning his integrity...I prayed if what I was discerning wasn't true then take the feeling away...there was no affair or anything like that it was just him trying to be a mentor & she wanted to be best buddies...wasn't happening! Needless to say after 3 yrs of a strained friendship she confessed her crossing boundary lines & asked my forgiveness. Of course i forgave her...just like Jesus would. Her & her husband went to another ministry due to her ex-husband attending the church. I know that if I didn't learn anything else from that storm it was to stay close to God. I feel like I sense that same deceiving spirit trying to work it's way through another woman at church. What do you think about women & our husbands& how we should handle situations like this? My first time was to tell my husband...but each time I would bring the subject up we would argue. I truly believe that our husbands are very trusting & saatan uses people against us that we wouldn't expect him to. I very much have come several times to saying goodbye...God will in my life...not my own! I love my husband, he's very much a man of God! I pray that he will learn to trust me more when it comes to sensitive matters such as these. Please e-mail me & let me know your imputs! May God Bless you All Richly!!!

controlled  7/7/2006  Well, i tried and I prayed. But, it isn't working. I am judged by how I look not by my heart. Remember me in all your prayers because i am going to move forward and find somewhere else. God didn't put me here to live in this mental state. People abuse me, accuse me, and want only what THEY want not what God is doing. Satan wants to destroy me but he won't...once again the fire is hot and I will not run I will only RUNj to my Savior. God knows my heart and if nobody wants to help me HE will. God Bless. 

lost  7/11/2006  I am fairly new to being a PW. I thank God for this website that let's me know I am not alone. I have been keeping my feelings to myself because I feel as if everyone is off limits to me. My dilema is when we first got the church I felt that my husband who almost immediately begin to ask as if I did not exist would soon come down from could nine once he got use to the idea of being a Pastor. I was very active in the church when I met my husband-director of the youth choir, sang with the lady's choir, and a member of the usher board at a church I had been a member of since birth. Actually I encouraged my husband to be more active in the church by attending bible study and sunday school. My problem is the minister wife before me was a trouble maker per say and people have basically said she was the reason they left. I feel that my husband is so afraid that his members will disagree with something I may or may not do he wants me to sit and boost him and no more no less. I have reminded him I am a worker and it's not fair because I had to leave my home church to be supportive of his ministry he should also be supportive of me instead of encouraging me to not work in the church. He gets to church and he is the most loving, compassionate person in the world even to me in front of others, but as soon as he gets home, he changes. I have tried to talk to him but he just walks away. I feel so far from God because I need preaching to as well and I feel that since I left my home church I am receiving no guidance. He is also my pastor. Should he not take the time to talk to me and encourage me to work for the Lord. God not only called him but me as well. God tells us to use our talents for him. My husbands acts as though my desire to work in the church is unimportant as well as his family. I feel like his ego has taken over because he is in control of something. Please pray for my strength. I hope someone will respond. I someone to share my problem with.

Support  7/11/2006  I just want to thank you, to all the PW for being who you are! I am a minister's wife (soon to be PW)I know that at times church members can be very judgemental and mean. Please know that you are a "shining light" for us and admired by us. I pray that God continues to give you strength, encouragement and peace! It is the woman who works behind the scenes that makes the husbands who they are- and God will richly bless all of you!

SOOO OVERWHELMED!!!  7/13/2006  I am 22 years old and have been married for nine months. My husband has been preaching for 8 years and pastoring for 4 years. I am very new to the whole behind the scenes experience of ministry. I feel like I have been thrown into something that has already been established and so much is expected of me. Don't get me wrong, I've been in the church all of my life, but unlike my husband, I am not a preacher's kid. At times I feel as though he is insensitive to the fact that I'm new at this thing. I have recently been put over intersessory prayer and the choir. I have never led anything before in my life. I want to be involved but I just feel inadequate and overwhelmed... sometimes I wonder if I will ever be good enough to step up without feeling like this. Any advice?

8/23/2006  Know that I am praying that you will find the place of ministry that you have a passion for. God has definately been preparing you your whole life with experiences and abilities and most of all he has given you at least one spiritual gift. It is ok to turn down ministry opportunities that you believe are not for you. People will try to guilt you into doing things, but you let God lead you to what he wants you to do. Ask your husband what he sees as your passions and gifts. Ask a trusted friend. Then start there. Sometimes it take trial and error. You will enjoy being used by God when you are doing what he has put in your heart to do. Your friend in ministry.

Seeking for an answer  I solicit the prayer of each of you that may read my statement. My husband has been in the ministry for several years. He has been the pastor of a small church for the last 15. We have two children; son, 14 and a daughter, 12. It has been a very difficult journey for me. We both work full time outside of the church. I try to make sure that the children get to experience some extracurricular activities outside of the church, and sometimes outside of school. This is very trying and demanding. I try to understand that my husband can not always help me out with the transporting, cooking, cleaning, homework, etc that this hectic lifestyle dictates. However, I do feel that he does not committ himself to us, the family. Through the years, he has gotten so caught up in maintaining "looks" for the public that he has often put us last or not even consider us at all. I am the one that responsible for the children's religious education, secular world education, and whatever else they happen to be involved in. And often time he makes reference to this as an illustration in his sermon, like this is a good thing, but he never listens to me explain how overwhelm I feel that he leaves all of this up to me. So, when I have had enough, I just say forget it and step back to see what happens. When test scores go down, notes come from school, sunday school teacher makes references to lesson not being studied at home, I have to hear about how I shouldn't complain to him, because I have just as much opportunity to handle these situations as he does. So, it has gotten to the point that I am held accountable for things if I take the initiative and do them, but I am just as accountable if I don't take the initiative. I feel so drained. Never the less, he is thought very highly of in the community, at church, at the children's school and wherever he goes. He has a humble mannerism, patience of Job and just never seems to offend anyone. Me on the other hand, I am short tempered, frown, and just unhappy so often that I have a negative disposition. I used to be a basically pleasant person. But it makes me so angry to see how he is in public and see how he becomes when we get home. He never takes care of any financial obligation except when I remind him, but he doesn't want to have joint accounts for bill paying. When we try to do this, he always keeping up with what he has put into the account verses what I have. If he put a few dollars more one week than I, he gets beligerent when he goes to the account to withdraw money and he can't. Yet and still when I tell him the phone bill is paid, the light bill is paid. This doesn't appease him, he just whines that all I want him to do is pay "all" the bills. BUT MIND YOU,THIS IS NOT THE SERMONS HE PREACHES ABOUT!! I have been a professioal at the same position for 19 years. It is not like I waste the income that I earn. We both are still mismanaging money. And this is a real issue for us, BUT when I try to sit down with him, to discuss it, he constantly bring up irrelevant issues. This causes a big argument to erupt and we never get anywhere. Of course, I come off as a whiner and a complainer when I try to talk about how I am feeling about situations. Before, he will listen or try to reason, he will just accuse me of getting involve with too many things because I "CHOOSE" to. He doesn't understand that I want a life in addition to what the obligation are at church. I don't want all of my family outings to be something associated with the church, I want to have family outings where we are interacting as a family. I am getting so bitter. I really contribute my attitude to his reaction to my needs. I react in ways that makes me ashamed of myself. I have suggested counseling, have even contacted a senior ministered that has been very good to us. I tried to arrange a meeting. When I relayed this to my husband, he called me stupid for doing such a thing. However, he counsels couples, individuals and speaks highly of it in the church setting but he doesn't think he needs it. The few times that I have honestly tried to talk to someone, he became insulted that I would share our problems with others. He let me know real quick that we can handle our own problems. But whenever I approach him at home, he's busy; if I call him on his cell at work, he's busy and I need to understand that he works; at church, he doesn't have time for this now. So there is never a convient time. I am trying to abide by God's word and keep working this marriage, but more and more each day I want to walk out and never return. Sometimes I feel great love for him and then some day I just want to leave and forget our have ever shared a life with him. But, I think about the effect this will have on the children and of course I think about how it will be interpeted by others. I am sure I will be blamed, because as I so often hear "YOU HAVE A GOOD HUSBAND". People just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. When I get really down I keep meditating on the word that goes "Through his mercies we are not consumed, his compassion faileth not. They are new every morning, great is thy faithfulness" But those words are starting to sound like just words. Prayer is becoming harder. I keep looking for the day when my "test" is over. Because I often remind myself this is a test and I am going to come out better having been through it. But I just don't know how.

Seeking  7/14/2006  "If you create a welcome, warm atmosphere, that will be part of the draw for him to desire to be at home. Often our husbands look for that affirmation outside the home, because that's where all of the reinforcement comes from. He is appreciated when he minsters to people." I read these words and asked the Lord not to let respond in an unpleasant manner. But I get so tired of going the extra mile trying to please my husband and be pleasant to him so that thinks that I am such a sweet little jewel. Remember, just as it is his duty to minister to people and feel appreciated, he should also appreciate those that do for him. Because after you do what you do out of love and you try to always find ways to make your home a place that he wants to come home to. Then when you need him to listen to your unmet needs and you want him to go that extra mile for you and all you get is some ungrateful, overbearing, do gooder telling you where you are falling short. And how he can't forsake doing God's work. When that is not what you ask him to do. What happen to the charity at home doctrine. I do believe that God want each pw to support her husband wholeheartedly, as well serve him by bein a light to those that need him and are searching for him. But the home can not receive the full extent of the blessing God has for us when we can't work together. We are to serve, witness, and obey God's will individually, and together. But I can't be supportive because that what you expect me to be, but you are unwilling to see that I can be all that you need and want me to be, because I do it out of love.
First Lady Honey  7/14/2006  What a wonderful Support Board! I have been a Pastor's Wife for over 32 years, and let me tell you, I have experienced some trying times. But, with that same token, I have experienced some wonderful times! My problem has always been women in the congregation being jealous of me. It seems like they would be thankful (I don't use the word "proud") to have a first-lady represent God, and them in such a positive manner. Everyone outside the congregations we have pastored compliment me on my appearance, class, and gift of singing, as well as choir directing. My educational background is in performing arts and drama. There is a woman at our present church who gets up and walks out when I sing...Actually, she wants me to see her doing this. I am so afraid that one day the Lord will not allow her to walk back inside, she is playing with God, not me! It just hurts not to be accepted because it shows that I care about myself, spiritually, physically and emotionally. I still do (some) modeling from time to time. When we "Meet and Greet" during our services, a few women turn their heads to keep from speaking to me. If a guest minister pays me a compliment like..."Your very beautiful first-lady_______" I see some in the choir rolling their eyes. You may wonder what type of person I am...Well, I am very friendly and out-going. I love people, and I am well-loved by my husband, which seems to bother them to no end! Most people on my job love being around me. Actually, I am quite popular. Both my parents were pastors, so I know lots of people and they always make a point of locating me when we stay at hotels for conventions. Another thing, if I get up to pray I hear them murmmering. I love them so much and want to help them be the best they can be, but they won't allow me to help them. I feel lonely at times. I am not always around family and friends. Even though I am friendly, I don't take everyone into my confidence, like most PW 's, I can not afford to. A couple of women in our church are known for dating preachers, married and unmarried! One of them stated that my husband must not be all-man because he ingnored her advances. The single preachers they date never marry them...This is not my fault! After all these years in ministry one might think that I should not let jealous people bother me, but I am really tired of them!!! I want to go to churh in peace. I am learning to ignore them for the most part, but I AM TIRED!!! I have read many entries here, but so far I have not come across anyone dealing with evil jealousy. Someone please respond if you have experienced what I am going through. God bless ya real good!! :)

Butterfly  9/24/2006  Jealousy is a major problem for anyone in leadership. The jealousy comes in because you are in the spotlight and your husband is the Pastor. Read some of the other pages and posts and you will see that most of us have went through the same thing if not more severe. When you are attractive, gifted and annointed watch out here comes Satan the green eyed monster. Most successful people encounter jealousy we as Christians need to know we can be wounded in the house of the Lord by our friends and congregation members though we love them they see us through green glasses.

ladyshay  7/15/2006  Greetings my co-laborer in the Lord. I would like to know how each of you define "first lady". And what is your thought on "first lady" vs "the Pastor's Wife". I was a married to a Pastor for twenty years. Out of the twenty years he pastored 12years while we were together. I noticed that there were many opinions as to what I should wear, where I should sit, and what role I was to "play" in the church. I thank God that He made me after Himself. Meaning, there were many pastor's wives who my husband wanted me to be around and sort of fashion myself after. However, these women didn't really have time for me. I must say that I was hurt as first. But that is when God began to minister to me. He wanted to make and mold me. Halleujah! I am so glad He did. Please give me some feedback. I love you all with the love of Christ!

Desperate in Florida  7/19/2006  I am unlike almost all of you. I am an atheist, I don't believe in god, and I haven't since the age of 10. I have been married for almost 21 years to a man who has suddenly decided he needs to serve "god" at a local non-demoninational church that serves the homeless. He is by training a chef. Prior to this conversion, he worked at a culinary school, and consulted. I didn't ask to be put in this position, and I don't want it. Our problems are huge. My husband is a complusive liar, and has been since I've known him. He lies mostly about money. I could go on and on about the lies he has told, and if anyone is interested, I'll be more than happy to elaborate. The "church" he works for, if you can call that den of iniquity a church, has no money. He rarely gets paid, and when he does, the checks almost always bounce. Our house is in foreclosure, our phone is disconnected, we have no car, life, or health insurance. We aren't getting the local paper anymore because we don' t have the money. He continues to tell me about these big deposits he will be, or is making, and it is all lies. To make matters even worse, when I catch him in a lie, he gets mad at me, like I'm the one doing wrong. I am not easy to live with, I admit, and we all have our flaws. However, I believe that someone who is a liar, dishonest, and can't handle money (part of the reason why the church checks bounce is because he has some control over writing them. He has NEVER been able to handle a checking account.) has no right being a pastor. Oh yes, he isn't even ordained, he just decided to help his friend out at this place, and calls himself a pastor. He has no training whatsoever, other than spending most of his time at church the last few years. He is cruel and heartless. And no one is on my side, because they think he's some wonderful guy helping the homeless. He isn't wonderful at all. A good man, and a man who claims to be a Christian, wouldn't lie with impunity, would fi nd a job that actually pays money so we could pay the bills, and would treat his wife with respect, not like a harpie. For years, I worked as his assistant, and now I need to find a job. I'm getting nowhere, and I'm so depressed I have to wonder if life is worth living. If it wasn't for my pets, I would not be here, and all the world would know what a **** my husband is. I'm at the end of my rope. We are going to counseling, but he's even lying to our counselor about grants and funds the church is suppoosed to be getting. I'm sure you all probably don't care either because of my lack of beliefs. I have nowhere to turn.

Praying-4-you  9/1/2006  Hey desperate in Florida, First of all your wrong we do care. Your husband is a bad example of what a true christian is. Although you are not a believe yet, I do believe God is reaching out to you by exposing you to the christian faith. You see sometimes people find out more about God by seeing people who are not living according to his word. How? Well when you start reading his word. Something in your heart knows that what you may see people doing could not be this all so loving God. So you see even though you husband is not doing right you wouldn't know that unless you read the word for yourself. By the fact that you are reaching out to christians on this site tells me that you are searching for Truth, and you also love your husband inspite of the way he acts. I will be praying for you both. Remember this, God wants you to know him it is up to you to ask him to help you to know the Truth. Don't leave this life without being sure. Praying-4-you always.

Karen  9/7/2006  Out of all the posts I read, yours is the one I want to respond to. It must be incredibly frustrating to see your husband, whom you know to be lying, disrespectful and dishonest, perform as a "minister of the gospel". I think I can relate because a family member, who recently had an incredible conversion to Christ, has recently stolen inheritance money from their own family. I wonder how on earth someone can claim to be a follower of Jesus yet disregard something as basic as "thou shalt not steal" which everyone recognizes as being wrong. In your situation, you are all too aware of your husbands shortcomings, yet here he is being embraced by this ministry as a wonderful guy. The Bible says the gifts and callings of God are without repentance, meaning that the calling can be true, and that God does not revoke His gifts or calling due to our behavior. It could be that your husband is fulfilling a desire to serve because that is the gifting God has placed in him. And he obviously has a heart for the "down and outers" as well. If God has truly begun a work in your husband, the Bible also says that "He is faithful to complete that which He has begun". It doesn't all happen at once. It can be frustratingly slow. And you are left to carry the brunt of the financial load while he gets his act together. That could be creating much resentment. For the first time in over 20 years of marraige, my husband and I are finally in counseling. There were just too many areas in our marraige that were roped off and had "no trespassing" signs posted. There were so many things that I felt, but could not tell him that were eating me alive. I am learning to talk to him in a way that communicates how I feel, yet doesn't put him on the defensive (which I didn't realize I was doing.) He, in turn, is making an effort to talk to me more about his feelings and plans. It's very beneficial! Are there any counseling services offered in your area? Some larger churches even offer lay counseling for low or no cost. You don't have to be a Christian to go to christian counseling. You have alot to be concerned about and need to be able to get some good advice. Your opinion and feelings matter to God. I told my husband that I needed for us to go to counseling so that we could learn to improve the way we related to one another. He reluctantly agreed, and now looks forward to our sessions. I hope this advice helps. I'll keep you in prayer, too.

Someonecares  7/20/2006  One thing that I have learned as the wife of a minister is that there is no description for a "pastor's/minister's wife". There is a description; however, for being a "wife". Just focus on what the bible says about being a wife to your husband. Many pastors wives get caught up with image and position and they loose focus because they want others to view them as someone special and you are special. We are all special in God's sight and in the eyes of our husbands and families. If we focused totally on being a wife and helper to our husbands, to make our homes a place where he loves to come home to - that would eliminate many problems. We tend to focus on the outward appearence and we get upset when others don't acknowledge us the way they acknowledge our husbands. We already know that our husbands are sometimes targeted by the enemy through other women and other things but again, if we provide a save place for him to come home to then he will not be tempted as much t o yield to these things. In summary: wives we cannot control or change others but we can control our own actions. We should focus on our calling as a wife and follow the Godly principles that have been given for us to do and leave our husbands in the hands of God. If we focus totally on what we are supposed to do, we won't have time for the devil to get into our minds to distract us. The Bible also tells us that unbelieving spouses can be won by the behavior of their spouse. Focus on God and leave everything to him.


Ty  7/22/2006  I have been searching the web for someone who may have wisdom for me, and perhaps someone here might help? My hubby and I have been in the ministry for 5 1/2 years. We currently have two churches. We found out about 3 years ago that our firstborn has autism. He will turn 6 in October, and we have one other that turned three this last June. I have a really hard time going to church, and today was a meltdown day. My hubby was at one church, while I had offered to help in the service at the other church. I walked in with both kids in hand (late) and my son started to scream and 'put his breaks on' as soon as we went upstairs. From there it was downhill, and I left crying while a friend gave me a shoulder and support. I was there for probably 10 minutes, and then called it a day. Does anyone here have a disabled child, or perhaps you know someone who is active in the ministry who has a disabled child? I desperately need encouragement, wisdom, and to know that I am not alone in this struggle. I appreciate any response.

Shannon  7/26/2007  In response to the pastor's wife with four kids - one of which has Autism: I am very shocked to hear that a senior pastor preached a sermon about you without asking you about it first!! If I was you, I would run as fast as you can away from that man. If he does not have the integrety or compassion to not preach about your family, then he doesn't deserve your trust!! He has broken that trust in a terrible way. He of all people whould realize that what he did was very insulting and degrading. Your husband should be equally outraged. Who is he going to pick to support in this situation? I don't see how he can work with a man like that. Your husband needs to look for another church or ministry. You cannot survive in this situation. Unless you and your husband can have definate boundaries, your family will suffer. I don't think you should have to give up your Thanksgiving. This is typical of many pastor's families. They are expected to give up their vacation times because it is better for the church people. Does your husband understand anything about Autism? I have worked for years with children who have aspergers' and autism. You have a doulbe whammy with that and being a pastor's family. My husband is also a pastor. He leaves me a lot for mission trips and church camps and I hate it. We have three kids under the age of 12. They need a lot of attention. Of course we don't have any family around to help us out when we need it. We have to do everything ourselves. I have struggled a lot with having to give up my life and feeling like I was "tricked" into being a pastor's wife. It is very lonely and discouraging most of the time. Please don't let the church rule over your marriage. YOu must get your husbands support and try to figure out what God want you to do, not what the church wants you to do. much love and prayers.

faithful  7/25/2006  I have a story and it needs to be told. i am so tired of covering up all these years. my husband has been having an affair with the co-pastors wife for 15yrs. i am married to him for 26yrs. the church has propagated so much of injustices against me. over the many years i would call up meetings with the leadership of the church and the co-pastor and his wife and confront them with the allegations which they vehemently denied. my husband told me that i had a mental problem and that i needed to go on prozac or that i should see a phychiatrist. he even mentioned that he would have me declared as an unfit mother. I was made to live and work on the mission field in a rural area while he attended the mother church in the city where this woman functioned with him in a leading capacity. on the mission i was made to wash cook clean and feed many people. during the 26yrs i have been married he never supported me financially. the co-pastor started legal proceedings against me t aking me to court charging me with defamation of husband told his congregation to keep away from me as i was a person with a mental problem and that he was having an extremely difficult time living with me but that becos of our children he continued to be obedient to God and live with me. he also told me to keep away from the congregation as they were sick and tired of listening to my complaints. then two yrs. ago i hired private detectives and bugged his phone. now i am tormented by all their revelations of all their sordid sexual exploits and the perverted phone sex. this haunts me 24-7. i break into a nervous high and hyperventilate. all i know to do is call on the name of jesus. the church has split. the perpertrators continue to live like nothing happened. i continue to live with my philandering husband. they have not been brought to accountability for this extended time of sexual misconduct, deception and the hypo crisy of preaching and fornicating right in the church. please pray earnestly for the healing of my mind and my children. god bless you.

Kathy  7/27/2006  Hi there Gloria 4/21/98 and anyone who wants to listen in. :) I do not know where you were being selfish. You said, "I hated it, but what could I do! I couldn't watch over his shoulders all night!" This is the only mistake that you made. You could have done a lot! You could have thrown the computer away! You could have hired a computer geek to come and make it impossible for your husband to go into chat rooms. You could have done many things! I do not see selfishness in your letter. I see a wife who has compassion for her husband. I see a wife who is a gift from God to HELP keep him from temptation. This is a way of helping him "Avoid appearances of evil." Chat rooms as you know and the Internet can be appearances of evil if not careful. The Internet (Porn sites) are the number one down fall of Pastors. In 1990 my husband got discouraged with our church and decided to have an affair with a lady in our congregation, which fortunately only lasted 3 months. God has since then restored our marriage (12 years ago) and we just celebrated our 22nd Anniversary. God also has restored our ministry. Not only do we Pastor a church together, but God has opened up an international Marriage Ministry for us as well. On thing that we do, is that, my husband does not counsel a woman, married or not, alone! Either I am there or there is no counseling session until I can be present. This includes emails, and phone calls. With emails, if he answers one, it is always from the both of us and I am fully aware of the emails received and sent. This is not a control action, it is an action that prevents the enemy from getting in and we then 'Avoid ALL situations (appearances) of evil. We also show lots of affection in public. That helps keep our focus on each other, and deters desperate ladies in desperate situations from going directly to him. They tend to come to me for counsel. That is also good! These are just a few things that are good principles to adopt in our ministries that God has blessed us with, as well as safe tactics to keep our marriages SAFE! As important as our Church and ministry is, there is nothing more important than our marriage and family besides our personal Relationship with Christ. Please don't confuse that with WHAT you do for God. Relationship is separate from what we DO for God. Thank you for listening, I hope this helps someone. PS. Just because we are Pastors wives, doesn't mean that we can't speak up for ourselves and express what hurts us. A husband that is "Laying his life down for his wife AS Christ did for the church, will be glad to listen and stop the action that is hurting you.
Ruva  7/28/2006  QUESTION: Hi guys I have just discovered this site and I just praise the Lord because I need you all to help me ! I am 24 years old and I have been married for 4years but known my husband for 8years and have a an 8 month old baby boy. My husband was in church leadership before we got married and then the year we got married God spoke to him about starting a ministry and he harkned the word and ever since we have been in ministry work. The thing is I feel like I dont belong,like something is missing in me. I may be the Pastors wife but I am so confused about my life,the ministry and my role. I have tried talking to my husband about it but he just dosent take me seriously and that makes me feel so alienated because he tends to concerntrate more on everyone else but me cos he feels like I should just be in place. If you understand me HELP PLEASE!!!!

margaret  7/29/2006  We are now nine years in our mariage and for those years we have live a life full of luck.We luck basic needs like school fees for our primary school chilren,proper meals on top of our table,my husband i cant remember when last he bought me a dress.Im tempted to quit this mariage and many a times i have told him im quiting.Ido tell him that me i was not called.My main strugle with him is he leave preaching and being a pastor to and look for employment for he is well trained-GENERAL FITTER AND TUNNER.If only i can be supported to start up a bussiness i would not bother him.Please help to help my husband answer God's call in his life.Waiting for your kind reply soon.Your loving sister

Yona  7/30/2006  I just need to be in touch wsith other Pastors wives, right now I just feel very hurt and broken. Somebody please pray for me.

Lady 2  8/1/2006  Just want correspondence from other PW's, feeling discouragement and frustration.

molly  8/3/2006  hello, I have been a pastors wife for 4 years now. Let me tell you,it's been hard, but rewarding. Right now , we are at a small church(50 people) and the funds are about to run out .The tithing has not been good for a while now, so we feel like we are being forced to leave cause we wont be able to pay our bills.I am so upset and confused.The deacon called my husband last night and said, we are going to try and take care of you first, even if we have to cut back on other things.But how long will that last? The church is so laid back about everything.They hired my husband as full time, but now they cant pay him his salary.We have sent out resumes, but havent heard anything yet, so please pray for us.Im sure all of you know how it health insurance,a car thats about to die,barely enough money to pay bills, and then theres the taxes! this what pastoring is suppost to be like?

Vicki  8/9/2006  Please pray for me...I am a pastor's wife who feels far away from God. I have no grace, I have so much anger & bitterness in my heart. Deep in my heart I want to please God in all that I do and I want people to see Jesus in me but right now I'm just so lost. I need your prayers....

flower  8/10/2006  I truely thank God for this site for I have found the right kind of sisters that I need to fellowship with. You see my sisters we are the chosen ones of God. We did not callor ordaine ourselves did we?? God put us in the positions of pastors wives cos he knew each and everyone of us was the right person to 1) stand,pray,encourage and support the pastor(our husbands) 2) fufill his vision for the church 3) be a role model to the younger generation through our characters and testimonies 4) love and nature our families. There are a lot more reasons than the ones I have listed. So nomatter what it is we are going through God knows he will see us through to the other side with even more than we had when we started and with a bigger testimony. Lets continue to bless,pray,encourage and love one another through this site. Oh yeah here is a suggestion, try and raed this site listening to some worship music and you will find God will speak to you via the music and it also enables you to pray for all of us who depend on this site. GO GO GO GOD'S CHOSEN WOMAN!!!!

Iola  8/15/2006  I'm struggling! My husband is a bi-vocational pastor has a full time job and goes to seminary. He is getting ready to lose his full time job so he is looking for another job. Well, I love him and believe in him but i'm having a hard time with the fact he wants to continue all of these things. I think his parents don't think i'm supportive. That really upsets me. I'm concerned about everything. Their not married to him. I don't want to get turned off to serving in a church but, I could see it happening. This is our first church and it has been a real struggle getting anything done. I want to enjoy the church but with everything else that is very difficult. He thinks i'm pushy and try to tell him what to do. But, I see things he to busy to see. So that causes conflict. Do I just stop caring? I know there's areas I need to grow but, i'm not stupid either. God is good and I know he has called us but, why so much at one time? Maybe i'm not supportive enough? Do I just say,"everything is good and great,no need to be concerned about anything honey" while things are falling buy the way side?

BusyBee  8/24/2006  I just started reading this site, and have been amazed at the diversity of situations, and the similarity of feelings. My husband also is a new and bi-vocational pastor of a very small church. I know the time- crunch this presents. He has a good job, so we do not struggle financially. Where we have had to budget is time. At the beginning, we weren't sure that he could keep up with all the duties at church and work and home. (I don't work outside the home, but I homeschool and have parents with terminal illnesses) We have come to realize that we can have faith that, just as God will supply all our financial needs, He can supply all our time needs as well. That doesn't mean we have all the time we WANT, only the time we NEED, and we need to be careful to budget it wisely. This means making sure the priorities of the home and family are well-represented. One tip that I would give is, don't get caught in the trap of thinking that if something isn't getting done at the church that it is immediately YOUR job. I tried so hard at the beginning to meet the needs of the church, that I spoiled some of the members, and now they expect me to do - well - almost everything. I'm learning my lesson. The church is a body, all of which needs to work together - not just the pastor and his wife. Now if someone tells me something needs to get done, I fight the impulse to do it (unless I think it is something that God wants me to do), and usually just agree with them that someone needs to do it. Sometimes they even get the idea and do it themselves. And some things need to be left undone. As far as being supportive, I've struggled with that, too. I have always been supportive, but I've struggled with the best ways to give support. Sometimes the best support can be a truthful word that my husband doesn't want to hear. But I need to be careful, too. Men who are young in the ministry are also easy to discourage. Be wise in any criticism, and if you don't think he can take something, lay it aside until you think he can. Give as much praise for the good things as you can. As far as things at home falling by the wayside, does anyone else out there now have a bad case of "pastor's house" ie. living room neat as a pin (just in case) while the rest of it is falling apart and the repairman just fell through the rotten back steps? :)
Frustrated  8/16/2006  I am the wife of an overworked, underpaid assistant pastor. My husband is one of 3 assistant pastors at our church. The Sr. Pastor has been at the church for 26 years now. I admit that he's done a wonderful job of growing the church but it seems that he is totally out of touch with the pulse of the people especailly those who are his constant helpers. Our church boast of a membership of 30K plus, yet my husband makes only $45K. The senior pastor makes over $200K and with several other financial perks. We lost my husband's car back in January and he's had to borrow and bum rides since that time. We recently moved in a new house (about 2 1/2 years ago) and we're struggling to just keep our heads above the water. We have two teenage sons and it's just tough trying to raise them and keep them faithful when they see the time that their father puts in with the church but see things being taken away and know the financial struggle that we're going through. Mind yo u, our senior pastor drives 3 luxury cars and we're struggling to just make the payment on the one car that I drive. Yes, I do work outside the home. My husband started out as a facility worker at the church about 15 years ago. He just wanted to do something so he volunteered his help part time. Thereafter, he got laid off of his good paying professional engineering job and couldn't find anything else. I believe it was because of his age. He is 58 now. The church offered him a full time job. Regretful to say, but he has never received a raise and he was moved from facilities to now being an assistant pastor. People look at us as though we're really making food money because of the size of the church. But we aren't. My husband loves what he does and he does a wonderful job. Truth be told, he really is running the church. The Sr. Pastor hardly ever report to work anymore during the week. He just pretty much preaches on Sunday and the care of the church falls on m y husband. The deacons have met and they feel that he's earning what he deserves. Needless to say, I am frustrated. My husband doesn't feel that he can find another job because of his age and he's been out of the engineering field now for so long. HELP ME SOMEBODY. 1)Does anyone know where we can get a car? Our credit is jacked because we've been robbing Peter to pay Paul. We can't go out and get a car the traditional way. 2)Just minister to me. Does anyone know someone who has a good counseling program for hurting PW's?

Libby  8/18/2006  How do you cope with a cheating husband/pastor?

LEA  8/20/2006  I just found this website. I only skimmed a few things, but I see so much disappointment in being a Pastor's wife. My husband was called into the ministry when we had been married a few years. Going to college and seminary were pretty positive experiences, but I have found in the ministry that you never have real friends and never feel secure. I think most churches are small and struggling, yet our husbands see those TV preachers and think that is what they are going to have also. Then they become so disappointed. We are church planting...again. This is # 5. We've been here for 3 years and still only number 20-50. Finacially things are tough, and we wonder how much longer we can continue our ministry. Thankfully our children (ages 29 & 26) have come everywhere with us, but now they are married and have children of their own. I don't want to leave them to continue in this lifestyle of "ministry". We were just told by one couple that has been with us from the beginning that our ministry is compromised because we were trying to help a woman who left her husband because she does not have a bed. They know that the Bible teaches to help widows and orphaned children, but believe we are trying to help orphan this woman's child. They have no idea what kind of abuse this wife went through before leaving her husband. I'm sorry that I don't have any advise for any of you right now. Do you have any for me? In Christ

BROKEN NO MORE!  8/23/2006  I feel all of your pain, because I hurt like all of you do! I am 32 years old and have been a PW for 1 year. My Mother was a PW and I never wanted her life...the fruit didn't fall to far from the tree...ha ha! I recently (after searching the Bible for scripture that would support all the responsibilities that were being put on me) realized that a lot of the burdens I was carrying was becuase of the short comings of many other busy or lazy people at the church! I resigned from heading up 2 ministries and I feel at peace! I told my husband (who is the Sr. Pastor) that I would only be involved with the ministries that I knew FOR SURE, God had called me too! I took him awhile to stop pouting...BUT HE DID! Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30...He says come to me, if you are heavily burdened and I(Jesus)will give you rest!.. .He continues to say...the burden I give you is light! READ THIS! I read this and I realized that I was trying to head up 3 ministries, teach Sunday School, play piano for 2 services and the counciling of the young woman that need it! WAY 2 MUCH! I prayed and the Lord showed me that I had added things that He did not ask me 2 do!!! I realized that half of what I was doing was 2 impress my husband! Oh my husband wanted me to do all these things as well, and so we were feeding each others egos! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Right now I play for service and I teach Sunday School...I feel PEACE! I have been stronger in these few things than when I was running around like a chicken whoose head was cut off! My husband still pouts every once in awhile....but there is more peace! Even in our home...more peace! He can't bring the "office" home as much...he is starting to see me as a wife and not a church administrator! Sure I STILL GET LONELY...he is not home more! But my quality of life and ministry has jumped up several notches! I am amazed that I have more time for me and the quality of ministry at church is so much stronger! Satan wants us to be stretched as thin as almost doesn't matter where he strikes, when you are stretched so thin that one poke or nudge from the wrong person will break you! BOUNDRIES LADIES...this is the lesson it took me 1 MISERABLE year to learn! Oh and people will definitely continue to try and get you to do more...pray, pray, pray...I tell them that I must sincerely pray about this...and I SINCERELY DO! Jesus does not want us to be weak and worn out! Jesus will help you carry your cross! HE WON'T LET YOU DOWN! I LOVE YOU ALL!

propective pastor's wife  8/23/2006  I am not yet a pastor's wife, but I will be one in November. One of my coworkers who is a christian told me that I did not look like a pastor's wife, she said that I needed to loose weight and that my clothes were not becoming of a pastor's wife. I don't believe in the sterotypes that have been placed on PW, after all they are people and they need to express their own individuality, will it be a hindrance to my husband's minstry, if I don't wear the first lady suits or the 3 inch high heels or the matching bag, shoe and hat? How do you deal with this issue..those of you who have been PW for years. My fiance does not have a problem with my weight, by the way and like every bride to be, yes I am losing weight for that day, but beyond that, I have always been comfortable with my self and my health is good. Should I care or should I brush off her comment.

Butterfly  9/27/2006  There is no such thing as a first lady look. It sounds like the person who made the comment is insensitive and perhaps a little jealous. You are a wife first and a first lady where? maybe after mother sister daughter person. It sounds like your fiance loves you for yourself. I myself was not a thin bride or wife right now but my husband loves me and I try to look attractive. But God said he would beautify us with salvation. That sounds good enough for me. Proverbs the virtuous woman proverbs 31 talks about what God calls beauty. a meek and quiet spirit is also in the bible but I could not find the designer suit and matching hand bag and hat. If thats how a woman wants to dress anyone can dress that way its not wrong just their choice. Its not in the clothes but the life and example. Most of all am I beautiful in God's sight? God resist the proud but gives grace to the humble.

Songbird  9/29/2006  I have been a Pw going on 10years this March. I am a gorgeous 22-24, that faces so much jealousy, because of the way that I dress,sing, speak, preach, teach, carry myself, my anointing, my condidence and where I am from. How dare someone say you do not look like a pw, what does one look like anyway. I do not where hat's and I do not carry a Purse. I do however carry a briefcase on Sunday, on other days just my Bible. I will say I make my own handkerchief since I was a teenager has nothing to do with being a pw, I perspire, when the anointing comes and I am singing or directing the choir. I also need a handkerchief for the many tears that I cry. This co-worker said an ignorant thing that wasn't so nice. If you keep on reading though you will find worse things will be said and perhaps even done to you. If you want to know the truth and only if you want to know the truth. I will tell you. You may be lied on, you may be lied to, you may be lonely, isolated, abused, misused, misunderstood. However, Jesus is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Be that helpmate ladies. When your husband doesn't seem to see that sister that is getting to close or he needs to be ministered to, you be there for him. Communication is key. After 10 years my husband and I are still in love more today than ever. We are on one accord and see things the same way. He does not counsel women and sometimes men without me. Some tried to break us up in the beginning, at times reported me to my own husband, as if he didn't know who he married. Oh I could tell you all some things. I do want to say to the PW that says she is an Atheist and her husband is a hypocrite. I apologize to you on behalf of all true Christians everywhere. There is a God and His name is Jesus and I would admonish you and anyone else to get to know Him for yourself, not for your husband or wife. The truth of the matter is that this world will only be able to stand but so much longer. We are living in the last days, and if your husband wont do right or the church wont do right, then you do. Because it will be you and you alone standing before God to give an account for your actions, your deeds, and how you handled situations. People of God. Live HOlY. Yes, I have problems. anyone is free to email me. Let's pray for each other, please pray for me, I am facing something that I intend to beat I am going to fast as well as pray, though. Much love.

Mrs. P  8/25/2006  Dear Vicki, Molly, Lady 2, Yona, and Libby; My heart goes out to you. I will be praying for Gods wisdom, guidance, and grace to be poured upon you and your families. Throughout Scripture we see examples of courage, steadfastness and faith. Ministry is not easy, churches are hard, people are sinful human beings, but God is perfect. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Phil 4:6.7
Carolina PW  8/26/2006  Wow what can I say.I'm so totaly shocked by all the PW with problems.Thought I was the only PW w/ problems.To begin w/ I have prayed for each and every one of your problems(specially desperate in FL) Lord brought her to this sight for a reason.Maybe someone could show her the way or we PW could all pray for her salvation and her marriage.I know I need as much prayer as I can soak up.So many desperate PW I was so worried that I would be the only one on this site w/ hard feelings about being a PW.Now more than ever I see that I need to be in prayer for each and every one of my sisters whom are PW.I am a PW to.Four months to be exact.No real problems just doubt on my part.As a sister said in her note, looking on the outside more than the inside.That is what my problem was(note I use past tense).This site has shown me I'm not alone, I'm just a little speck in a very large world with similar problems in diffrent places and times. Every one of you have touched my heart so very deepley.I always new that adultry is in the ministry but never new so strong.Satan is really trying hard isn't he!!!AS PW we have to be strong in the Lord and pray dillagently(sorry really bad speller) Don't give up satan wants your marriage to be destroyed he wants to work from inside out of the church.He knows if he can start at the home of the pastor than he can work his way out into the congragation.Yes sad tosay he even uses the people of the church to get at the pastor and his wife.My advice to all of my sisters even the ones who are not saved(YET) Pray hard fight with satan smack in the back of the head with the sowrd.Tell him to leave your family and church alone.Remember you are GODS child you have more power than the angels in Heaven.Give that dirty dog what for.I know it is very hard sometimes call upon ourGlorious Lords Name.He will come!! Seems like sometimes it takes a while.Just when you think he has forgotten he sends a stranger your way to help. Here is something that might just make things better for you, might or might not help. True Story: A family of 3 were having lunch in the park one day.Mother and Father enjoying the day with there daughter.Talking to one another remembering the day when the doctor told them there daughter wouldn't live to be 2yrs old and if she did live to be 2yrs old she would have severe brain damage and leave her a veg. Well they began to see storm clouds in the far distance.So mom called her doughter back so they wouldn't get caught in the storm.She explaind to the little girl that a strom was coming.Then the mother asked the father do smell the sweet smell of the rain?.NO NO mommy thats not the rain, that is Jesus I smelled that when he was hugging me when I was sick. So even when the mommy and daddy didn't think Jesus was there with them through there trials, Jesus was holding on to there baby girl and keeping her safe. Remember Jesus is holding us even when were in sin and even when we think He has left our side. God bless you all and I will be praying for your marriages,churches,saftey and faith.
Lynn  8/27/2006  I need some perspective. My husband has been a pastor for 10 years and we have experienced both ups and downs of course. The last two years he has been very depressed and unmotivated, no matter what he did to reignite that fire, he prayed a lot too. He has been praying and seeking and has decided to leave church ministry within the next year. He would like to do ministry outside a church setting, in the marketplace such as healthcare (his passion) and possibly Chaplaincy (visitation has always been one of his strongest area of ministry). I have seen him very depressed and even in the midst of thos valley moments, he remained faithful in ministry. And lately I've "come to terms" with it and told him that I love him, if he wants to serve God outside a church setting, it's OK and I'll try to adjust (I work full time outside the church). One thing for sure, I know we'll continue to serve in ministry in the future church we attend because we love the Lord, but my husband just would not take on full time pastoral responsibilities anymore. Can you tell me if my "feeling OK and relief" something that's not pleasing to God? I have been praying and seeking His will to be done. Is it wrong for a pastor to pursue something else outside the church? I feel guilty to have that sense of "relief" in my husband's decision. I surely don't want to leave any room for the evil one to attack us. Please help if you could give me some advice and encouragement.

Sis. V.  8/29/2006  I am I pastors wife and a minister of the gospel. My husband is up for review to pastor a church at the begining of 2007. I am both excited and nervous but I will stand by my husband no matter what. I know my husband is an annointed vessel hand-picked my God, and I know he is not perfect either (I pray for him daily). My husband has an imperfection that is really bothering me and I believe that it can effect his ministry. He exaggerates the truth and sometimes even lies about unnecessary things in front of people. If I told him how much it embbarrarasses me, it will hurt his feelings. I need someone who has experienced what I am going through to please give me some wisdom on how to handle this situation. I know I can't stand by and allow this to destroy him, but I do not want to brake his spirit by making him think that I am embarrassed by him or that I don't believe in him.

Pastors Wife In The West  8/30/2006  I have been married to my husband for almost 19 years now. When we married I was a christian and he was not. He was saved 12 years ago and has been called to preach the gospel 10 years now. We have one child. Our relationship is HORRIBLE! We hardly ever talk and its gotten to the point that when he comes home I just go into the other room. He doesn't want to discuss it at all. We just get into an argument when we do talk. I am so unhappy and homesick because we moved far away from where we are originally from. I don't feel lead to be in this area anymore and he loves it here. He acts like things are great when we are around church members but our homelife is really bad. I don't even feel like he should still stand and preach the gospel with our relationship like it is! He doesn't seem to mind living this way but I am really sick of it and I am beginning to want to just leave. Can anyone relate to my situation out there?

FAITH  8/31/2006  my question is maybe to a pastor's wife that has a husband that has always been there for her first at all times no matter who or what. I had a situation with a bestfriend that was my close friend for quite a while, our daughters best friends & still are. I started noticing her speach change like pastor this & pastor that, we have a bond. He started mentoring her, praying with her, something he does very little with me.I had told him she was being too familiar as far as him. In other words feeling like she 's at a place with him that she's not. I eventually had to tell her that. they had both said on seperate occasions that i was jealous.Now if i am his wife why would he even say that? He never believed me for 3 yrs i tried to convince him of her behavior. It wasn't until this yr that he was doing premarital counseling with her ex-husband that he found out it was her that had an affair on her first husband 4 times. Why couldn't he just simply believe me? I know that they never had any thoughts physically towards each other, but she always dramatizedeverything & made it appear more than it really was. Well she felt lead to go to another church(her & her husband) we had a chance to talk & to get things out for good & she admitted to crossing the line. well just about 3 weeks ago a man in the church came to my husband & said that th4 people more or less said that he had an intimate relationship with her. We talked to 3 people that pretty much would have known about her they said that it was due to a comment someone had made concerning their past friendship. I talked to the person that made the correction to my former bfriend & she said that she was correcting her by telling her noone is above falling into the devil's trap. She recently came back to the church for a service & found out that her ex-husbandwasn't coming & made the comment,"why didn't anybody tell me____ wasn't coming, now we can come back?" People that were hurt by her actions i believe started talking. I believe the 3 that we talked to in his office were not telling the whole truth. I truly beleive they think that he did.One of the people we had in our office is picking up where my former friend left off just in a more subtle way. As before my husband doesn't seem to think like I do. I could really write a book on all the junk I've been through. Why is it that men do not see what we as women see in each other? He told me just a few days ago when i asked him if she may have called his cell phone to let me know she wouldn't be at our daughter's wedding to serve, he said no. Later he told me he had called her to ask her a question. He said he knew I wouldn't be happy if he said which would be worse telling or not telling? My question is why couldn't the question wait until the next day at church? I feel like I am such a loss right now. I've been fighting the last couple of days the I don't care, whatever happens type of attitude. I don't like that but I told him last week I'm either I don't care or as your helpmate I see these things. There is just no in between with me. I know my husband loves me very much & I love him so much! I fail to understand things like I have explained. Please pray for me & if there may be a pastor that could give me some insighton ministry & women like this I would appreciate it. May God Bless All Of You!

Viv  9/3/2006  I would greatly treasure any correspondence from anyone whose pastor husband has passed away. My beautiful husband & I both were saved the same month, day, year, in the middle of the night while living in separate states and before we knew each other. God told him to liquidate his assets, to come to my specific town, to get into a particular church and learn faith and He'd give him a wife. He and I (still not knowing each other) began visiting the same church the same month; we joined that church the same day, and ended up standing beside one another along with the others who were joining the church, and that's where we were introduced. On our first date, he proposed and I accepted, and it's a decision we've never regretted because we knew we were in God's willand genuinely in love with each other. As a pastor and evangelist, he had a mighty call and anointing on his life, with four people verifiably raised from the dead in his ministry. We saw before our very eyes the 'impossible' and although we faced a lot of persecution and trials, we stood strong with God at our center. In January 2005, he was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma - kidney cancer - which had already spread to his lungs. We believed God with all our hearts; we did all the things we'd been taught to do in warring against this disease. God gave him some very real victories over the cancer, and in September, 2005, his doctor at Duke told him how proud he was of him; and that he was doing incredibly well. Around the first of October, he had a light bout of pneumonia and was hospitalized; he had recovered from that and was ready for discharge home, and at 2 am on the morning of October 6, 2005, I (who had always stayed with him at the hospital) was home trying to get some much needed sleep, when the phone rang. It was the hospital. He never coded. He was wide awake and then suddenly, everything went blank. All efforts at resuscitation were useless because not one sign of life was seen even tho they tried for 30 minutes. In one day, I lost my very best friend (except for Jesus, of course), the one person on planet earth that I could truly trust 100%, my lover, boyfriend, husband, sweetheart, mentor, pastor, and the person to whom I was assigned by God to work with and do anything he needed. While I'm so proud of him and happy that he's out of pain and he's with our Lord, I can't help but think this: I'm 51, and my doctor's won't let me work because of health issues. I have one child, but she lives away from me. In spite of the fact that I stay in constant prayer, I am unable to see a future for me. And in all fairness, I just feel like all my 'thunder' is drive, my passion for working for God; of course, the church we pastored has a new pastor now, and I have returned to the church where we met; and tho it's a wonderful church, it's different working as a layman instead of as the pastor's wife. Most pastor's wives can tell you that as they are more and more involved with ministry, often their closest friends are those within their congregations, and though there are one or two that I keep in touch with, it's just not the same. With no direction or assignment and dealing with the feelings I have and this emptiness, I just feel as if I'm just sitting around, waiting to die. Thank you for listening.
jewel  9/4/2006  I found that several of the letters that I read apply to me in one way or another. I find myself in an awkward position now that my husband has accepted his call by God to preach the Gospel. Our pastor came to us ( our church) at a time that we were still binding the wounds inflicted upon us from the last "hireling". This young man was sadistic, full of hatred, especially toward men, very disrespectfull in his dealings with the organization in which we were affiliated with,but toward his own flock! He was brutal and just plaine vicious! My church had not delt with these sort of behaviors from the "church folk" for some time. We had the same pastor for over twenty years, and upon his leaving, we began to experience the "hirelings". They seemed to only want to build their resumes with us for a few years and then, they sought the bigger (I don't regard anyone as "better", we were all but filthy rags in the sight of God), but they thought that they could do better. Regardless, we learned something from all of them, and boy did we learn!!!. Now, there is a new kid in town, with a whole new doctrin to sell. We had a loving type relationship with his family due to the fact that he knew what we had been through, and helped begin the healing process that we needed so desperately. When my husband preached his first sermon, it was as though our pastor just disappeared! No more family gatherings, no more sports, and my husband was the last to know anything about certain "meetings". My husband feels that we are now regarded as the enemy, some threat to his (pastor's) program. This hurts, but it has also taken on an ugly face. Pastor now takes "cheap-shots" from the pulpit at my husband. The congregation is talking, but this is so damageing to the pastor. If he could do my husband this way, who would take the chance of stepping forward to be of greater service to Christ? We are of no threat to him, even though my husband has served as a deacon for more than 15 years,and was born and bread in this church, and it was not a suprise at all that he answered his call. It seems that our pastor has lost his heart for the flock, and is only concentrating all of his energy on changeing the doctrin of the church. I hate to see my hubby hurt and left out! This is very childish I know, but, that's still " my man". Please pray that pastor and my husband and I can come back to being the loving families that we were.There is so little time for any of this pettiness. We have to be about our father's business, that's where the energy needs to go!

Sena  9/9/2006  Comment: I am a Pastor's wife and often have difficulty coping with the challenges associated with this position. Questions: What is the greatest challenge you face as a Pastor's Wife? How do you overcome this challenge?

Beth  10/26/2006  I was quite touched by your entry and I would like to share a responce. I think being a wife is a holy and honorable calling. Being a Pastor's wife is a more sacred trust then I could ever imagine my Lord giving me. I would say in responce to the question you asked that I personnally feel the greatest challange to the ministry I have as a Pastor's wife is my own flesh. I struggle with the catty women, the infatuated parishner, the long hours, the secret dissapointments, the severe hypocracy of the average christian, the people who are in leasership that don't seem to know the bible. The unsaved that run church programs, I fight lonliness, I feel inadequit to raise my children- I struggle with jealousy and dissappointment in my lack of self- control- I even struggle with expressing righteous anger in an unrighteous way but when it all comes down to it-and at the end of the day when I put my head on my pillow if I am at all honest with myself- before my God then I must confess it is my own flesh I have been the most greatly challanged by. It is my flesh that refuses to let my husband go do what Jesus Christ Himself told him to do, it is my flesh that will not forgive my brother 70 * 70, it is my flesh that will not submit to Gods all wise chastisement, it is my flesh that puffs up with pride at the slightest abrasion, and it is my flesh that blames my sister for my own insecurity. I guess to answer the second part of ypour question How do I deal with it - I would say by God's grace as we all do - Faith that God will finish in me what He has begun, Prayer I moment by moment day by entreet God for victory, and I submit myself to God through a daily infilling and renewing of His word- but that is my trust it only reminds me though as I type this of how full of Grace and Mercy God really is I only Hope and know in Christ I will finish the race well. My Herat is with you and I thank God for your question He used it to remind me of somethings I needed to hear again -untill that day May God make His face shine upon ypou and be merciful to you and give you peace.

Kat   10/28/2006  My greatest difficulty is (church members who are phony). They kiss you on the cheek and they tell you how much they love you (and in the mean time they are trying to have secret meetings in their homes to get rid of the Pastor. I believe most of these church members are nothing more then false converts. Reading and praying over Matt 5:44 is a great source of strength, I pray for them in sincerity. And when you do this God rids you of your unrighteous anger.

Listener 11/21/2008 haven't been on here in a long while-I believe you have to go through Rock Dove to get someone's e-mail-How are you? You can e-mail me if you need to-still praying!

Great Plans!!  9/11/2006  This came somewhat as a suprise to me, "J, I'm sorry, but I'v got to do what God is commanding me to do, honey, I'v got to preach His word!". Now, I know that you are saying, "well, what's the problem?". Well I'm glad you asked. At this time, my husband and I were playing out the last of the saga of a marraige that "just got sick and tired of being sick and tired" of playing the role of the most successful and positive example of a what a marraige is supposed to look like. I should have known that it was all going to well. We had decided to end this charade now that the kids were grown and gone, and the house was gone, (the biggest investment of a married couple). There was nonthing left to hold us! We both aggreed to end it with dignity after 28 years. We had a perfect plan, well we thought so. Help each other get settled in our perspective apartments, his giving what he could in support of me, you know, just be helpful friends with each other. Friends...,you mean the way we started? It was perfect!!, but God.He has a way of placing into your spirit just what His decision is on whatever plan, or scheme you have concocked, then asked "so what do you think God? I think that God decided to save Himself some time and hand down the verdict "collectivly", "why that may be a very good plan, "IT IS NOT MY PLAN". It seemed to strike us at the same time, "we need to re-groupe, maybe this isn't such a good plan". At that time, we did something that we had not done in maybe 10 years, we got down on our knees and asked God for His perfect will for our lives! Beautiful story, but now the process of restoration began. It became so painful, at one time we asked God to deliver us up out of the mess that we had made.His response, "you worked your way into these situations my children, and I will afford you the growth and strengthening that you need, so, work your ways out of it,My children, I will sustain you, you knew my word, yet you did not obey". I know that it sounds harsh, but our Father loves us! We are doing the work of the master, continueing to heal, and never forgetting, God is still in control!
Delores  9/11/2006  My husband and I just started our church, and every since we started it seems like the enemy has attacked our finances and much opposition is in the spirit realm, is being experienced, you know spiritual warefare. We also need some ideas on membership drives, how to gain new members and keep them? thanK you for thias wonderful Web Site, Keep us in your prayers. May God Bless you. Thank You

Talee  9/22/2006  Hi there, My husband just started a youth pastor position in a really great church, we also have a 9 week old baby (our first) which is enough of an adjustment. My husband started his ministry position 4 weeks after our daughter was born and i feel like we're having a lot of difficulty getting things off on the right foot. My husband is constantly thinking about and working for the church and can't seem to seperate himself when he's at home. Its as if he's completely consumed by it all. Meanwhile we have our newborn that Im afraid isnt getting much of his attention and myself, i know i definitely feel neglected. We have some of the youth calling us at home to ask us questions about events and it really bothers me, it would be nice if we could just be our family at home however i feel like this ministry in intruding on my life through my husbands consuming thoughts or by the 50-60 hour work weeks. How does one start their ministry on the right foot as to not have members of the family start resenting the church? How can i raise my daughter to love the church when I myself am having trouble not resenting it? I even have a call on my life for this ministry with my husband however i seem to be able to close the door behind me and be a mom and a wife. My husband has absolutely no problem with the phone calls at home, he said that this is what we signed up for, were my expectations completely ignorant?

jodie  10/19/2006  I completely know your pain of loneliness and the pain that ministry is completely invading your life. It's as if you no longer have a life of your own. I understand. My husband was a youth pastor for 5 years and has pastored a wonderful church now for 9 years. It has truly been an amazing ride, but there have been pot holes and bumps along the way. We have 2 little boys that consume our time as well. I can say this about my husband, when he first became a youth was his passion. I loved that about him, until it interfered with what I thought was MY time. We learned very early that we are definitely in the ministry with all the positive and negative perks, but God is sovereign in our lives...not the church. It's difficult to draw the line especially when it is a career and God led desire to be used that drives us. I have no doubt that you have that same desire, Talee! You are as much a part of the ministry as your husband is. What I would truly encourage you to do is to pray first that God would enable you to focus on your primary ministry-being a wife and mother. The church comes after that without a doubt! Secondly, pray that God would help you and your husband to place healthy boundaries in your lives. SOmeone will always call, but you do not have to always answer. Self imposed guilt and congregation imposed guilt will make you feel that you have to meet everyone's expectations. Winning your family to the Lord and raising a spiritully healthy family is your first priority and you would say the same for anyone in your church. It is no different for you. My husband and I shared with the church that if they call during dinner, we will not answer the phone because that is an important family time. We also let them know that THursay nights we would not be available, we have a date night on THursdays. Those are just a few of our boundaries. Simply being comfortable saying no to others sometimes is liberating for a pastor's wife because we feel that we have to be everything to everybody. It is not so. Thirdly, Pray for your husband to be able to know how to put his family first and not feel guilty for not being able to do everything.Lastly, pray for yourself that you would realize God's true plan for you as a woman of God, wife, mother, daughter, and minister's wife. I encourage you to let God define who you are and not your husband's title and others expectations. I am praying for you! As a fellow pastor's wife who feels your very pain, I am praying for you. I pray I have not not said too much, but when I read your note it touched me deeply. You are in my heart. Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

GOD'S SOLDIER  It can be at times overwhelming. My husband was a youth pastor at the church we got saved at. At the time my daughter was 1 & I got pregnant during this time. My main focus was on my children, husband & home. I believe a lot of times people in churches expect more & give less.We are all supposed to be doing this together. Be patient with your husband & even though there may be times you don't feel like it or you are justified in how you feel. God will reveal things to him & he won't be able to deny it. We have been pastoring a church for almost 13 yrs & I can tell you there have been some storms as well as sunshine! Just remember God's faithfulness, compassion & love for you. Let that be your driving force & what you teach your children. I refuse to allow the enemy satan to come in & steal something he has no right to. I have an opportunity to talk to one of our staff that has been questioning things like his salary, truck payment, whether he should get a vacation check when were on vacation. But Talee, I know that as long as I stand on God's word I have peace. God always brings things to light that has been hid in darkness. Stay focused & pray! Let your home be a haven for you & your family. Believe me your husband will one day appreciate it. I'll be praying for you & your family. Feel free to e-mail me


BC  9/28/2006  My husband has been in the ministry since before we were married a little over a year ago.He is so passionate and energetic when teaching the Word, and yet with that same mouth, he uses as much gusto in verbally abusing me. He has gotten much better over the past six months, but the hurt is still there. He has made me feel that I am his worst mistake, and from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, there is nothing he likes about me. When he isn't upset with me, he says the sweetest things, but the ugly words just keep coming back to remembrance. I've given it to the Lord so many times, but healing just isn't taking place. I can't tell anyone I know for fear of him losing his job or his reputation. He won't go to counseling, and won't allow me either. Is there any hope of true healing?

Holly  10/3/2006  I have been a pastor's wife for 14 months. Wow, what an adjustment. I married, moved 900 miles, and changed denominations. I keep thinking things will slow down but it never does. When I first moved to this church, I kept my distance with people until I got to know everyone and settled into being married. Now, I have been involved in things and gotten closer to the members. I am a friendly person by nature and had so many support systems at home. I need people contact. I work from home so I do not have the luxury of having personal contact outside of the church. Here's the thing. When I moved here, people respected the distance and boundries of me and my husband. Now, that I have opened up to people and showed my friendly side, they seem to take advantage of it. We are suddenly getting calls at home. My husband's office hours are 9-6 yet people call us early in the morning, late at night, and early on Saturday mornings. The parsonage is right across from the church which I hate that. Now, people feel free to stop by. I've even noticed women getting "friendly" with my husband. I'm not sure if it eases their minds to be nice to the wife so they can flirt with the husband. We are both younger and my husband is attractive. It just seems that if you are friendly to members, they take advantage of the situation. I love to have candle parties but my husband does not want one in the parsonage. He says it invites people to come in and snoop at our belongings and gossip about them. The last pastor let everyone come to the parsonage and had lot s of parties. I think people are starting to get ticked that I haven't had one person in our house. They even make comments about driving by and looking in the windows at our things. Who in the world does this? I did not come from a long line of pastors wives so this lifestyle is new to me. I never would have called my former minister at home for nothing short of a death in the family. There is no reason for this. Leave it on the machine at the church. I would never just stop by his house or tell his wife that I look in their windows! I don't understand this. Why do people feel like they own you just because they tithe and pay your husband's salary? Which, he has a PHD and makes about three times less than what he's worth. I don't think selling our souls to these people in exchange for a salary and health insurance is worth it. I know the focus if God but it's so hard to see that because of the actions of church memebers. If they act this way, I can't believe how the rest of the world goes around. I just had to vent. Nobody understand this stuff. My family says " I told you not to marry a minister" and "You chose this life knowing how people act, church p eople can be the worst". All of my husband's friends that are pastors came to our wedding. All of their wives said " We will call you and help you through this adjustment" and they have never called. We need the support. Thanks to everyone involved with this board that keeps it going.

Dragonfly  10/3/2006  I have been married to a pastor and work a holic for 4 years. I don't get to see him much and it is very lonely. When he is at home he's grumpy and doesn't want to be talked to. I know that hurt because I have been living it every day of my marrieage. The Good times are getting farther and father apart. I have tryed to leave many time and hate my life. I have tried to kill myself several times but couln't go thought with it. It's hard to find anyone who cares. Good luck with the battle.

Louisiana pastor wife  10/4/2006  Hi. Was just scanning the internet for websites like this. My husband has been pastoring for l4 years. We have three grown kids, and 3 grandkids. I have always had a problem interacting with most people, except for a few friends that I have. I can offer some advice to those who have less years than I have as a PW. I've been through storms and more storms. I never really had another PW I could talk to because I've never really trusted any of them to keep our conversations confidential. And if you live where I live(we're a not-so-large town), then you would know what I am talking about. I would take all of my burdens, problems and cares to God and leave them there. He has been a wonderful counselor and problem solver to me. So my encouraging advise would be to pray, read His word and pray. I would just like everyone who reads this board to pray for my family and me. We have a few obstacles in our lives right now in dealing with our 22 year old son. Pleas e pray that God will order his steps and direct him in the right path. Thank you for listening and praying. I will be praying for each of you also.

Devistated  10/6/2006  Is there anybody out there who can help me? I despertly need some one who has been in my shoes and knows how to make it through to help me. I have been married for 27 yrs and in the ministry 23 of those years with my husband. I recently found out he was having an affair and it has left me totally devistated !! Needless to say I am trying to keep the church together and fighting hard for my marriage even thou it hurts so bad I can hardly breath at times. I seen all of this coming and begged God so hard to intervene and begged my husband too.Why didn't God hear my desperate cries ? He says he loves me and it was just a spirit and a trap he got caught up in, but how do you truely forgive and forget. I know the power of prayer but I feel like I am actually dying on the inside. Please if there is any one out there "HELP" ME I have searched endless for some one to turn to. I pray this will reach the heart of the right person. People want to find ways to knock you down even farther instaed of help you. I am truely a hurting pastor's wife.

GOD'S SOLDIER  11/20/2006  I read your post for the first time this morning 11/20 & I wanted you to know that someone does care & is praying for you, your husband & family. I have never had to deal with my husband having an affair...just women in the ministry trying to be closer than godly women should be. First I would like to encourage you to not give up on God because no matter what we go through in life He is always faithful. My husband & I have been in ministry for almost 13 yrs and I think the hardest thing has been women for me. People just have to find their place, but the only one that should be standing by the pastor should be the wife! I believe our husbands sometimes don't see what we see as women in other women. That is when our faith & trust in the Lord comes in, because God will prove Himself. Recently I have told my husband about certain leadership in the church I didn't trust. Well, 3 weeks later 2 of the people have left the church sewing discord, 2 people that associate with them still come looking like they are sucking on lemons. A relative of one of them used to be close with my husband has backed off...comes in with this sour look on his face. My husband has talked to one of the men...I've talked to the repentance. It has affected the ministry...these are going to be addressed this week. I have said all this to say to you my wounded friend that I want to be a support for you if you still want one. God wants to help you through this time...just let Him. Just hold on to God with everything that is in you! Rest in Psalm 91 until it becomes a song for you. I know you may think this all easy for someone else to say but that is why God would have me respond to you today, that how much He loves you! If you want to e-mail me just contact Rock Dove & ask them for my e-mail address. I'll keep pressing through in prayer for you my fellow pw...Christ love from me to you!

Oh to be free  10/7/2006  I found this site one time about a year ago when I was really hurting. I can't say it really helped at the time except that it confirmed for me that I was not the only woman who was going through hell on earth. I cried and cried for you all and for myself. I'm better now, praise Jesus. We've been in the ministry for a long time and, like so many, have been very deeply hurt by others and I have had those same feelings of loneliness and emptiness. I have felt deeply disappointed in my husband and to make matters worse I felt as though there was no one I could really confide in and if I ever did tell anyone, even someone far away, I felt disloyal and guilty, like I should be above it or like talking about it was unsupportive of me or like I wasn't trusting the Lord... I prayed and prayed all the time but was confused and very depressed. Meanwhile my husband was enjoying this image of "pastor" and everyone thought he was always so together, while I felt like I was living in a dual reality and really dying inside. In the church, there is so much flesh and so few who really desire to walk in the spirit. In that kind of environment, inevitably someone gets slaughtered and all too often it's the PW and the pastor's kids. My kids are grown now but they were very damaged by the things they experienced and the ridiculous expectations that were placed on them. They are only now starting to come back to the Lord or have a relationship with Him. I must say, a lot of you PW's are really being abused by your pastor husbands and calling it "from the Lord" and considering yourselves to be the selfish ones, confused ones, the ones needing to pray more and "suck it up". That is wrong. Your husbands have their noses in God's Word every week and should know better than to neglect the high call of loving you as precious and valuable. If you and your husband are not one in this ministry, if you are not partners and friends, arms linked and hearts knit together, you will end up so oppressed, confused and depressed that you won't have the heart to continue. You will be simply going through the motions and you actually will be responsible for perpetrating the lie that all is well when really it is not. You are being an accomplice in a lie that is saying to people that your family is something that it is not. The lie is that if people really know that you have problems, how can they respect your husband? Really, what people need to see is humility and that the pastor is NOT Jesus and he is a sinner in need of a savior just like everyone else. We are all desperate and need to remain in a humble state of neediness...ALL of us. Don't be ashamed to get help. It is pride that makes your husband want to hide the fact that his family is not perfect. How can anyone benefit from that? Look at all the fallout there's been in the church due to this kind of pride. We are losing this generation of kids. Good behavior in a child does not a Christian make! Be real! Be honest! Be brave! Your children need you to be, you need to be. If your husband neglects these things and you, he will pay for it in the end and so will your whole family. I suggest you check out the book "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsend.

iola  10/8/2006  Thanks for the reply!! It's nice to know someone can relate!! My heart is so broke right now...we are having some trouble with staff and I think I'm about to get hurt again and frankly I'm tired!! Does anyone else have non-stop attacks from the devil? It never seems to end here! I miss the joy in serving the Lord. I know that not every day is a mountain but, is every day supposed to be a valley? I don't like feeling so sad and like we are failing. Does anyone else stuggle with feelings of failure?

mickey  10/10/2006  I realize there are many more of you that have worse problems. This is my first time ever doing this so here goes. I am a pastors wife and I have absolutely no sex drive, well maybe once a month, When we do make love it is wonderful I just feel so tired and like it is work to get there. I wish there was something I could do to want to make love. My husband is a wonderful man and deserves for me to want to make love to him I just have no desire. Am I the only one? Is there some magic pill I can take that will make me want to make love? O know this is a strange subject but I am desprate to get some help

Dianna  10/11/2006  when women wear low cut blouses and shows half or more of there breasts it's a shame, yet when I bring this up, which has been off and on for sometime, he said well, they or she only comes once in awhile, or he gives me these excuses about keeping peace in the church,which in some since is true. but, men in the church has a struggle with lust in the past and some still do. I've talk to about this to make along story short, and other reason he holds off is because this women mainly one right now! is his best friend and armorbearing too. he will not bring it up to him for the sake of making him mad, and he even gets alittle to firtleywith her he at times acts like alittle child around her and brings her name up in conversation when he trying to staying on another name instead of hers. when I bring anything up about how some women dress, I sents he at times they are gonna wear them wheither you preach it or not, and when he does side with me about this stuff he really doesn't mean it it's just to keep me cool off. at times I feel he gets attraced to her the soft talking blond gets to him at times. but, I 've kept alot of these that I've decern from him to keep peace, [never went to details with but, my Question is how can i deal with this stuff I had enought of this)

Depessed & Unfaithful  10/14/2006  I sit here very empty, sick to my stomach and broken. I have been married 7 years to a Youth Director. I have had thoughts of leaving my husband for quit some time. The only thing holding me back is my kids and the fact that he would loose his career for good and my family we never speak to me again. I am so unhappy. I have had thoughts of running away and of suicide. I have know one that I can talk to, I know no one would understand. The whole time we have been married there has only been one good year that we were actully communicating. He is a great father and is a wonderful pastor. I love my husband, but I am not IN LOVE with him. How can God love some who has these thoughts. I have found attention from another person, and I find myself wanting to be with him and it kills me. He pays attention to me. Have built him up in my head, hoping that he would come on his white horse and rescue me! My kids are my whole world and I could destroy their lives. Financially we are broke! We can't make ends meet. He seems to not care. I am having a nervous break down and I think that this is my last hope. Please pray for me. I am lost and I do not know what to do! HELP!!

Gale  10/17/2006  My husband pastors a congregation of about 200 people. My daughter is getting married at the church and would like to invite everyone. Is it proper to invite everyone through the church newsletter instead of a written invitation? Part of my concern is that we may not have an address for everyone and someone could be left out. We would also like to invite everyone to the reception which will include a meal. If it is appropriate to invite them through the newsletter, what is the best way to have them RSVP?

Lonely in Ga.  10/20/2006  Help anyone. I need a word of wisdom. Here is my dilema. My husband and I have been in the ministry for eight years. And this has been the thorn in my flesh. Our marriage would be alot stronger if Only I or he would change. The problem is my husband schedule is very hectic. Sometimes we don't even have a single converstion (over twenty miniutes) in a week. He makes plans to be with me and then something comes up. Sometimes things that should have presidence over our time together but sometimes things that could wait till later. He makes promises and then they 99 percent of the time fall though.When we first started the ministry I had unrealistic ideas about the time we would spend together. We were going to be a team. I have lowered my expections greatly. I would like aleast one or maybe two conversations a week. Is this still to high? I can't change him. So I need some advice about how to change me. When he's late or doesn't come at all, I don't want bitterness to enter my heart. Honestly most times I do. The last ten minutes of the day when He decides it's tiem to talk. I am so upset that I can't even talk to him. It's a constant war in me. I want his attention and then when he finally gives it I am so angry I don't even want to look at him. How can I change the way I fell. I've prayed and prayed for God to help me be grateful for just a little bit of his time but my heart is so hurt I feel like I'm betraying myself. Has anyone been there and done that? I'm waiting to hear...

Beth  11/11/2006  I read your entry tonight. I am in the ministry as a Pastors wife. My husband has a FT pastoring job,and a full time professional job and we have 5 small children (7 and under- we had 5 babies in 5 yrs, 1 set of twins) Anyways I am sorry you are lonely. I do understand the difficulty you are having with the lonliness/anger. I think it would be unrealistic for me to assume I know exactly how you feel - since I do not know your personality and personnal wants needs ect- but for what it is worth I have walked this particular path and found that a combination of things actually helped make the path easier to navigate. But really the biggest thing was realizing my own needs (I need to see my husband to talk talk every few weeks at least and I need to be close physically at least twice a week or I feel very distant from him.) I do what I need to do, to make these two things happen. I used to be mad when he didn't plan dates or take time but I realize it wasn't to hurt me it was often preoccupation and it ment alot to him when I made it a priority, I took initiative to do this. As for the anger I think that is a natural responce to feeling rejected, forgotten , unloved- but the thing to remember is it is hurt before it is anger. If you can slow the process in your mind down and look honestly at the cause for your anger you will realize it is probably more like feeling- forgotten, rejected, unimportant, dissapointed ...ect- then you can pray about it and in gentleness speak the truth to your husband in love- I don't want to be preachy but its just that life is so short and to spend it angry and lonely is not God's will for you He loves you and He put that desire for your husbands company in your heart- you don't have to die to God's will - you have to figure out how to live it. Also maybe your husband doesn't know it but it is God's will for him to have fellowship with you- - and not just the commercial time for the 10:00 news either- ya know? Anyhow, I will pray for you to be given wisdom on this matter- God Bless-Your sister in Christ and your sister PW , James 1 :2-6

Ga Pw  2/22/2007  Dear sister in Christ. We pastors wives have such a need to be one with our husbands. We desire to be their princess and number one girl. This is natural and the way of a woman. However, I have found it is futile to try and get that attention by showing uncontrolled anger and by demeaning our husbands. They just are not geared to handle it. However, the intimacy between you is essential to your marriage. So take time to ask your husband about his day and be a good listener. Walk beside him whenever you get the chance, outside or around the yard. Just walk and listen. Tell him you desire him both emotionally and sexually. Tell him you would love to go on some dates together during the month and ask him to put it into his schedule. As much as it is difficult to ask when you want to be asked, it is worth the initiative. Be as loving and as patient as you can, but still communicate your concerns. Don't suppress them. It he is not in the talking mood cuddle up to him wherever you are, men are rarely resistant to their wife's touch if she is respectful and encouraging. This will draw him to you instead of pushing him away.

Trazizzle  10/27/2006  I am new to the pastorate. My husband is an associate pastor and I have no idea what my role is in the church besides supporting my husband. Any advice? I'd be grateful!

laine21  10/31/2006  I thank God for you all! It has been very diffifcult being married to a pastor and being disliked and envied just because i'm married to a pastor. Hello my name is laine21 and my husband and i started a church in our home 10 years ago with a few people (5 or 6), we have since moved out into a church building and have close to 100 members. There are some (two mainly) women that go all out of their way to make my life miserable. They spread tales about me, tell lies on my husband and i. More than once we have had situations where in one way or another, i have offended them. I compliment one lady on a lesson which she did for our women's fellowship for which she came once, but wanted to minister and i laid down the ground rules which were, if you don't come out, you don't get to share. Well she showed up around the time it was her time to share and i told her she couldn't, but to type it up and give all the ladies a copy. I reviewed her lesson which was good and i did what i do with all the lessons. I reviewd it with the group, but this woman wasn't aware because she is never there. I made it a point to compliment her on a job well done in front on the group. The next day she didn't show up for prayer and the following day she didn't come to service. The next day i recieved a nasty email stating that i punished her for spending quality time with the Lord and wounldn't aloow her to share. She emailed my husband and just went off on how i took her lesson which wasn't done and shared it as if it were my own. This woman has disliked me from the day she came into the ministry. I have prayed and asked the Lord to send her somewhere else. She wants to reprove and rebuke, she has desperate need to be delivered and will not submit to my husband or my authority as the set leaders in the church. She has caused people to not want to join the church because of the confusion. The Lord told me to give her a word of encouragement once and she angrily left the church for about six months then came back. Satan constantly and consistently uses her against me. I have been fighting with the principalities and powers for some time now and i am getting weary. I have tension headaches and really hate to see this woman coming. Does anyone have this type of problem that won't go away?

Forgiven  10/31/2006  Wives, be not weary in well doing. We serve an all-knowing God that whatever concerns us - is a concern of his. My husband pastors a small church - we've been there a little over a year. Never imagined they would be so much of the world in church members hearts. But I have found, wherever we may be, we will face our advesary, and I can tell you that God's grace is sufficient whatever circumstance we face. I work full-time, keep house, mother a 5 year old, and my heart is so at the church and with the people. It's obvious that everyone has a battle, but Satan thinks if he attacks the wife of the Preacher, then he can take away from the unity of the church. Let's draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh unto us.

confused & burdened   10/31/2006  Almost 3 years ago my husband starting doing pulpit supply in a new city (we were moved becuase of his secular job) and after preaching there for a good while was asked to become their regular pastor. This church is a FAMILY church now. but at one time they were 75 to 80 strong. We didn't know... but they've had many problems ..splits. We don't know the details but we are seeing that it has a common thread leading to only 2 families (mostly one family in number of attendance) left in the church. The one largest family got into an argument and now we only have 7 to 8 people left on a regular basis and that includes us. Please pray with us that God will show us how or if this church is to go on with my husband as pastor because they will not give us any names & addresses of folks we can visit or send out letters to....and since we do not know anyone in this town (the church is way out in the country)we are totally dependant on their willingness to help.....unless God intercedes and brings people to the church. There was another couple (he was their pastor for a good while) and he got mad at one of the families grown children when they wouldn't listen to his calling them into accountability (problem ...he didn't go to them he went to their family and then he started making remarks in the services about my husband's being late that Sunday. He didn't get there until just in time to preach..but he was in study and also very tired after working his secular job for over 60 hours that week) He left the church but is now saying awful things to others outside the church we were told. In three years there has only been one new member join and he had been going there for years. No salvations....if God is working we can't see it. I beleive it's time to go husband doesn't know. Sometimes it's so hard to HEAR God speak. Please pray with us that God will speak and HIS will ...will be done. Please pray that HE will give me peace so that I can be a pw that God would want me to be. If anyone has any word on this I'd love to hear from you. May God bless you all and give you peace in your situation as well.

Mia  11/3/2006  I am Pastors'wife (I was delivered from drugs 5 years ago) who is struggling with a drug usage. It has been very hard. The first time it happened I was very shocked because he told me he was not using drugs anymore. I believe him of course because I know the power of God to set us free from anything(if we want it). It started off every six months, to every 3 months and now it every 2 to 4 weeks. Whenever there is a unforeseen problem (which most them are unforeseen) I know he is going off on a 12-24 hour drug binge. The problem for me is he a pastor and I know the power of God's word. I know as ministers are intrusted with the sacred word of God. I don't take this lightly at all. I pray earnestly for him and our church family. He preaches the word of God and hear God speaking through him. We have had many come to Jesus, prayer nights, etc. I have encouraged, ministered, anointed, laid hands, cast out and prayed with him etc. But he has not received his deliverance. He says he don't want to do this but seem to have a difficult time handling life disappointmens and go to drugs as an escape. We have talked to other pastors and have had counseling. But, I am at a crossroad because I want to leave and I want to stay. The real issue I want to be in the will of God. I don't want to be moved out of position by emotions. It is very hard because I love him and the people God has placed in our life. I know if I move out of position and let my emotions rule it will cause a great disruption. But, I know if it was another church and this was another Pastor I would not be there. I know what the bible says about false prophets, wolves in sheep clothing and the thought of being married to one is unnerving to say the least. I have prayed to God to let me know what I need to do and I am waiting on Him to show me. As I am sitting here typing I know there are Pastor's wives who go through many things with their husband before these men get to a stable plateau. Alot of times we pretend all is well in our house and we put on many faces for the people. I met many Pastors' wives who gave advice as if they was remove from what real ministry is all about. I know I am not the only pastor wife who have gone through a similiar situation if not the same. Especially, because drugs does not discriminate,it crosses many barriers and our societies are infested with it. Now in the news many ministers are being exposed who I am sure have wives. They may not talk about it publicly but, I am sure life at home was not as great as they put on to be. My story have much more details and much more I can say. I am curious if someone would really respond. God Bless

DOC  11/4/2006  I am an african american pastor's wife. I read a bit of a book by a black female author who made gave a very accurate discription of pastor's wives/women in ministry. She said we are like pretty birds in bird cages. We are put on a pedistal, we are isolated and don't or feel unable to share our unique burdens with others -- in short we are in these cages and we are alone and perishing alone. I want to read the book but I can't remember the name of the author or the name of the book. Can anyone help me. Please email me with your response. Thanks, In Christ, DOC

Utah  11/7/2006  WEll, in June I commented about problems we were having in our church with people being judgemental about our children. I thought at the time this was the worst it could ever get...I WAS WRONG...REALLY WRONG! Six weeks ago my husband decided that God was telling him to change up the order of service, to get rid of the tie so as to make the newer, less "churchie" families comfortable and to use the video equipment that was available at our church. OH MY GOODNESS...WE HAVE MESSED WITH THE SACRED COW! In the last 5 weeks our family has been absolutely attacked by the devil and members of our church. My hubby's secretary resigned after she sent a letter to the deacon board saying ugly things about me, my children and even going so far as to question our family's salvation. If that wasn't bad enough half our deacon board has then complained about the tie, the order of service and even my hubby's preaching. Our entire family has cried and cried over the past five weeks and this past Sunday my hubby stood and preached "those without sin, cast the first stone" and then went on to say if I have offended you I am sorry. The deacons took it as an apology (FOR WHAT...BEING LED BY GOD TO MAKE WORSHIP MORE INTERSTING AND LESS BORING). To us though, we are hurt! The deacons have now conducted two "secret" meetings and our denomination doesn't do this but our deacons have. After 5 weeks we are still being judged and oppressed by these people and the devil. How do you know when to leave? How do you go back and face these same people that are so "different" to our face then behind our back. WHAT DO YOU DO? I am so discouraged, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I cry all the time and forget being a mom and wife...THAT ISN'T EVEN HAPPENING. I feel so distant from God right now, I feel completely alone! HELP!!!!!

EBONY  11/8/2006  What do you when your husband refuses to work and support the family financially. he said his working for God, he spends money on clothes and gadgets, when I bring up the issue, he said I am always putting him down because I am the one that is working, recently, I started telling him I did not stop him working, other ministers work and support their family when the ministry is not paying enough but not him. Now I have lost respect for him and this days I couldn't be bothered. I have also caught him on e-mails writing emothinal letters to women, he tells me there is nothing to it, I am just over reacting. We have 3 kids in college of which I am supporting and paying all the bills, people see him outside as a supper husband and pastor. He drops the kids to work and back and helps with housework when he feels like it. Anything to do with finances including working and making sure the bills gets paid ontime, it's me. I have tried asking him to take over the bills but they end up being paid late, we have debts that I am also sorting out. I am close to 50 and fed up. He said I have been annointed by God to support by God to support us financially, sometimes i have felt like packing it all up but I know my kids will suffer at this crucial stage of their education, they are close to their dad, though they see what he is doing. The issue with women has become almost a foregone conclusion, he said I should leave him to God to sort out and stop judging and condemning him. I am slowly withdrawing somethings I do in church because I am fed up of the hypocricy though I know it is by the grace that we stand but I know if he wasnot my husband i will have left the church long time ago, the church grows and reduces because of all sorts of issues, when I talk to him about it he says, i am criticizing him, yet he has never been able to bring the church to where they will pay him a salary yet he depends on me to take care of all the bills and on top of that messes up. Please pray for me, I know Good has been good to me and he always provides me good well paid job, but I am getting to the point now with all his grandscale dreams, he does not have a single penny towards retirement and he is in his 50s. I wonder what will become of us, I am waiting to see the last child through college before I give up work, the kids don't even bother asking him for money anymore, before we used to have joint account, but after so much mismanagement, I have recently gone to open a personal account so I can start saving something. Does anybody have this experience before?

GOD'S SOLDIER  11/10/2006  All I know to do & advise all pw's to do is to stay focused on God no matter what. I believe there is things going on with each of us that we all can relate to. Some things I just don't understand. That's when God comes in & shows himself strong on my behalf. I find that to try not to focus on the people that don't want more of God & focus on those that do. They are the ones that need & want discipleship. If my 1st ministry-which is my home-isn't what it should be-then nothing at the 2nd ministry-the church-will be what it should be. I know that one day I will stand before my King...I want to be able to stand before Him BLAMELESS. No matter what anybody, including my hubby, does, I have to stand & abide on God's Word! Remember...GOD is always TRUE & FAITHFUL!!!!
A STANDING SOLDIER  11/18/2006  PRECIOUS QUEENS. I have 2 words for you - STAY FOCUSED, and while you are staying focus, remember that you were chosen for your position as a pastor's wife and leader, so that means you have to be the big person in many situations. You can't afford to be dragged into negative situations, because of what's at stake(the church and the ministry). Learn to see things through the eyes of God. The devil will use every situation to distract you from doing God's will. Keep your eyes on God at all times. Fight the good fight of faith. When things arises, ask yourself the question, "What Would Jesus Do?" Also, be slow to speak and quick to hear, and remember that a soft answer turns away wrath. I write this because it seems that so many of you are struggling and getting your feelings hurt. You are going to have to let God take some of the blows and hurt, which mean you're going to have to step back and let God step forward. I hope and pray that these words help somebody to rise up and proclaim that God made you the head and not the tail. Be encouraged PRECIOUS QUEENS.
Mia  11/21/2006  To God be the glory!! Since 11/4, I am been praying for God to give me peace and grace to endure what has been placed before me. God is faithful. Truly, my circumstances has not changed. But, my attitude and my heart has changed. I realized through my trials, tribulations, and rough terrains. I needed more grace and God is ready to give us what we need when we ask in faith believing He is God and is able. I thank Him for not bringing a instant fix to all my problems because He is teaching me to trust Him in His Word. Sometimes things hit so hard between the eyes you feel numb, crazy, confused, lost and alone. But, God let us know I am not alone. Hebrews 13:5 came to my heart. God says... he will never leave me nor forsake me. He is always with me. I realized (in spite of my husband, church etc)that God is dealing with is my trust, faith, and belief levels. He said He is more than able to supply and meet my needs, as well deliver my husband. I had to ask myself do I believe God's Word or do I have more trust in what I see, taste and feel. For me I need to trust my Father as He tells me in Jeremiah 29:11. He knows the plans he has for me. He knows exactly what it takes to build faith and trust in Him. Only if we learn to suffer with His grace. He did not say it would be easy. He said we will suffer in this life. We need to pray more for grace and mercy to help us as we go through these rough terrains. It is possible to count it all joy when we suffer. If it was not so the Bible would not tell us to do it. It takes practice and faith. It takes practice and faith to praise and worship God when you want to scream, cry and just plain give up. But, I am learning to count it joy. Now I sing praise and worship songs to bring peace to my spirit. I go to that secret and quiet place to talk God, to thank Him. Sometimes I sing while I am crying but I feel that peace in my heart that God got this. Because His ways and thoughts are higher than mine. Again, as I said in the beginning my circumstances has not changed as a matter of fact it has gotten worst by appearance. While, my husband is allowing God to deal with Him. I have step to the pulpit and doing what I need to do. Because I believe God has a plan unlike anything I can imagine. I don't feel in my spirit He wants me to walk away. Believe me if I felt it strong I would have been gone. But, I realize God will work it all out one way or the other. A few things I told my husband. One, you can't play with God or take Him for granted, He will kill you. God is mock you reap what you sow. He will wipe a nation out to save a few. Second, If you believed He called you to ministry, He will use you whether it is standing or laying flat out. God will get the glory, whether you testify standing for the glory of God, telling somebody how you screwed up and they learn how not to be, or at your funeral where God will use that event to saved the s oul of at least one person. Everything comes to a peak point eventually. As women of God we must know God work all things together for the good. All things is being worked out as we go through if we just believe and ask for more grace. I realize more and more God's Word is true and I don't want to doubt him. Trials and tribulations are a test of faith. He called us as pastor's wives to tell these chosen men the truth when He allows us to do so with grace and love. Sometimes, you have to express your feelings in letters, that does work for some men. I am learning more than anything going to the Big Him for the little him works better and just try to leave there. We are chosen to one the highest calls to be along side these great men of God (smile) even when don't understand what in the world is going on and why is this happening. We must learn and make ourselves trust God in spite of what it looks like. To all the Pastors'Wives God Bless You. Pray for me as I as pray for you in Jesus Name.

missy  11/24/2006  My husband is a preacher and I have not supportted him like he needed me to and I have lost his love. I have repented, but he feels that God is wanting him to move on from me, either leave me and continue his ministry or stay with me and give up his ministry. I love him and I don't want to loose him, but I know he can't give up the ministry.

pwtex  1/4/2007  Missy, I am glad you realized that you needed to support your husband in his calling. I am praying that the Lord will show your husband that he should take some time off as a preacher though. He can't effectively minister to others, if his own house is in disrepair. Next to God, you are his priority. If he can't do that, then he really does need to rethink his ministry.

Chicago  11/25/2006  To all of my fellow PW's out there! Be strong in the Lord! Please do not let the enemy distract any of you all from doing what God has called you to do. Trust me it's not because my life is going so peachy keen right now. I am under severe attack as I am even typing this letter to you all. I know that it can be really difficult at times to serve the Lord with joy and gladness when all hell is breaking loose in your life. Some of the entries I've read tonight are really sad and heartwrenching, but God is yet faithful! Just because we are going through different test's and trials doesn't mean that HE has forgotten about us. I know that private time is almost non-esistent at times for some of us, but can we take at least 5 minutes out of our time to dedicate to Him. We all have situation's and prayer requests before Him and I know that He is just waiting to answer them. And even if He doesn't He is still awesome!Let's acknowledge Him as being first and foremost and al l of the other things will be added . Please don't throw in the towel or walk away from ministry these situations were only sent to strengthen us and prepare us for end time ministry. Stay Strong!

jan  11/25/2006  Hi, I'm not sure if this topic has been covered recently, but I would like to ask if anyone has had fears of public speaking. My husband is a gifted speaker and Pastors a large congregation. I have attempted to avoid speaking at all costs, and have done this well as I have a number of children so I have hidden behind them (I am being honest) but I can't keep doing this - I know I need to overcome my fears but I do feel an expectation by most people at church that I should be speaking more. Part of me doesn't want anything to do with meetings / womens events etc because at some stage I will have to speak. I know that sounds selfish. But I am more scared. When I get up in front of everyone I get head spins etc - so I don't want to let everyone down. It's hard when your husband is an extrovert and you are an introvert. Anyway I just wanted some advice on how you became a better speaker if you had fears to begin with. I would appreciate any emails. We have bee n in 'ministry' for over 15 years now. Thanks Jan

April  11/27/2006  It's comforting, yet scary at the same time, to see what so many pastor's wives have gone through in their many or just few years in ministry. I am 23 years old, and have been married for almost six years. I met my husband after he had already been surrendered in the ministry for 3 yrs. We are now at our 3rd church, our first fulltime position after finishing seminary (nobts). I remember a few ladies in our home church telling me how hard a pw life was. I would have never imagined it would have been like this. i thought everyone loved the pw and respected her. not so. I have been a pw for 6 yrs. I could take up pages with stories of hurt and pain from the church people and my husband. I have gone through so many of the same things you have gone through.

Mrs. P  11/28/2006  I've been in ministry for 20 years, 10 of them full time. Sometimes, I just get sick of people. Yes, I know I'm supposed to love them....and usually I do. But other's like I'm back in Jr. high. The expectations can be so overwhelming. Yes...yes...keep your eyes on Jesus my husband says. But wow....people can be so fickled. One day they love you...the next day they hate you. They treat a Pastor's wife like a ping pong ball. It's no wonder so many of us are on this site just venting. Well, I've said enough.....I don't want to get into specifics, but I certainly can relate with many of you. Except, I have an excellent husband. He's not perfect, and he puts the ministry before me, but at least I can trust him and I know he loves me (next to God). Loneliness? O yea....just wait till the children leave home. Then it's really bad. Do I ever complain? Sometimes. Does it help? Nope. Just keep your eyes on Jesus....I am told...keep your eyes on Jesus.

ChapJenn  12/1/2006  My husband is currently looking for another church and, in my oppinion, we cannot get out of our current church fast enough. I am so tired of the attitude of the people in the church. My husband pastors at an Asian church and my family is not Asian. Actually, my family is interracial. We are not accepted or loved by many members of the church. Their sole motivation is to use us. They are never satisfied with what we do and never appreciative. The members of our church critize our school age daughter constantly. It is a wonder she is able to survive going there at all but she manages to keep a positive attitude. We have served at many churches during our ministerial career but never have I been at a church that is so lazy. They are not motivated to serve in the church. They don't value children's minstry and for most events the children run around the church unsupervised. They do have Sunday School but not much else for the children. My prayer is that Go d guides my husband to a new place of service soon. I am so miserable.

just wondering  12/2/2006  Did you feel that you were called to your role? How did you and your husband meet and did you court (date)? Did he flirt with you from the pulpit? at church? How did you know that you knew he was the one?????

Lynn  12/4/2006  Since I have not heard any reply since I posted this in August, I'm reposting my struggle. If you could relate to this, please help me and pray for me. I need some perspective. My husband has been a pastor for 10 years and we have experienced both ups and downs of course. The last two years he has been very depressed and unmotivated, no matter what he did to reignite that fire, he prayed a lot too. He has been praying and seeking and has decided to leave church ministry within the next year. He would like to do ministry outside a church setting, in the marketplace such as healthcare (his passion) and possibly Chaplaincy (visitation has always been one of his strongest area of ministry). I have seen him very depressed and even in the midst of thos valley moments, he remained faithful in ministry. And lately I've "come to terms" with it and told him that I love him, if he wants to serve God outside a church setting, it's OK and I'll try to adjust (I work full time out side the church). One thing for sure, I know we'll continue to serve in ministry in the future church we attend because we love the Lord, but my husband just would not take on full time pastoral responsibilities anymore. Can you tell me if my "feeling OK and relief" something that's not pleasing to God? I have been praying and seeking His will to be done. Is it wrong for a pastor to pursue something else outside the church? I feel guilty to have that sense of "relief" in my husband's decision. I surely don't want to leave any room for the evil one to attack us. Please help if you could give me some advice and encouragement.

Ruth  12/5/2006  Wow, I just came across this web site because I just wanted to seek some kind of encouragement for pastors wive's. I had no idea how many hurting pastor's wives are out there. I am a wife of 12 years to a missionary pastor. I am the only foreigner in this location. Even my husband is a native. The ministry is growing and with it the demands on my husband. He's also becoming well known all over the place so he is in ever greater demand. His struggle of course is balancing out family with ministry. We do have four young children. They do py a very high price. Our income is very dependant on supporters of the ministry. But throughout this I have seen a faithful God.I can never doubt what HE is doing. We are blessed.I do see women throwing themselves at my husband. I don't even know that he notices. I know that he could easily fall. He's human. But where is God throughout all this. He is here. He is now. We have heaven waiting for us ladies. Don't give up on God. I pray for my husband daily. He needs it.He doesn't always get it right. I sometimes get frustrated how he handles the ministry but he is still my husband.I have found so often that when I pray about a certain issue it is God that solves the problem. I do relate with many of the women who have written. But I agree so whole heartedly with those who say keep looking up. I live in a nation where our very lives are at stake for the gospel. I have seen God protect our children from the hands of evil men. LOOK UP. LOOK WAY UP.

Angela  12/6/2006  I have been married for 20 years and have 3 teenage girls. My husband responded to God's call just a little over three years ago and we are now in a newstart situation. I find that I am wearing many hats and feel very inadequate in so many roles. I am having trouble loving the church and just prioritizing. My husband is not only pastoring, but working in a full-time "secular" job and do directed study for his pastorate. I am not sure I have a question. I just really need some encouragement and prayer.

angie  12/7/2006  My husband has just told me that he wants to begin a ministry.This is not something he discussed with me, however he has sought advice from many other people that do not know him. My husband accepted his call to the ministry about four years ago but has never pastored. In fact, he has not really been active in the church. By this I mean he is not a Sunday school teacher, he is not a youth pastor, he does not really have an active teaching role in the church. Am I wrong to question what he is saying God has spoken to him about. Please advise.

Minster and the Wife of a Minister  12/8/2006  Wow, ok here goes my husband and I are both Ministers and we love our church home. I have read so many notes of love and concern on this board. In a way I think I'm really different but there is no difference at all. My husband and I are new in the ministry only a year but we have been married for four years and together for seven abstinent from sex for a year before we got married. We are two people that love the Lord but are head strong. Everyone that comes in contract with us speaking such blessings into our lives and they think we are wonderful together and in the ministry as servants, but the truth is we are not perfect people my husband and I consummated our marriage on our wedding night and not again up to this day. I tried everything I know of to stimulate our love relationship, I love my husband a great deal; we received counseling together and individually. But nothing has changed. I haven't had the desire to be with another man or to end the marriage. I love that my husband and I are born again believer and ministers of the gospel. There is nothing more gratifying than winning souls for Christ. There is also the challenge of two leaders in a ministry doing for others and not each other. It get's very hard sometimes and you don't know which way to turn. I don't want to supersede my husband but he's not proactive. I want to be understanding and a wife that doesn't complain to my minister (husband). Any suggestions on restoring my relationship and husband and wife. I know this story sounds strange to me but maybe not to you. I need wisdom from a saint.

minister wife  12/9/2006  I would like to know the diffenrence in a assiocate,asstance,pastors? What all in details in ministry duties?

Evelyn  12/11/2006  I became a wife of a minister a little over a year ago. I am 54, he is 68. He tells me I am a new Christian because I was Catholic when we first met and was baptised in the church he attends a year ago. He is not a Pastor of a church but does a nursing home ministry. He was what he calls a back slid Christian when we first married but since then has thrown himself into the ministry so deep that there is no room for me or my family. Once he started his ministry, I faded to the background. I ask for conversation and his reply is I will talk when I have something to talk about. Sex has completely stopped but that doesn't bother me as much. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and my parents who are in an assisted living facility. He has no children and his parents have gone to be with the Lord. I need and want to spend time with them but he has committed himself to sermons at the nursing home every Sunday afternoon, so with church on Sunday morning and his nursin g home ministry on Sunday afternoons and then church on Sunday night I am alone to go visit them. I neglected to say they all live at least an hour away and my parents are 2 hours away. I work a fulltime job with weekends only off so that is the only time I have to see my family. I asked him last night if he wanted a family and his response was no. When I try to discuss my feelings with him he either shuts me out or becomes defensive and that leads to my frustration and ultimately my anger. I love the Lord but what scares me right now is my feelings of betrayal. I find myself feeling like the ministry stole my husband from me. I feel alone in a house where 2 people live. Am I being unreasonable by wanting and expecting him to give time and attention to our marriage?
I just entered a letter to your site and fell I need to clarify some things. I am married to a minister with a nursing home ministy for 1 year. He was not active in a church or the ministry when we married. Since we married he has gotten very active in church and his ministry. As he gets more active in them I become more and more invisble to him. It is to the point that he does not want my family nor me. He is consumed with the church. When he is home he is either working on sermons, reading every book he can find about sermons and other ministers, watching TV sermons or he is playing games on the computer or watching any kind of sport. He rarely talks to me and when I ask for conversation he says he will talk if he wants to talk and not before. I am living a life alone even though he lives with me. He thinks I am not a good Christian because I am not totally consumed with all of this all the time. I believe a person can be a good Christian and still have a life tha t is not totally based on reading the Bible or watching sermons on TV all the time. I work fulltime and he is retired, I have grown children and grandchildren and he has none. I sometimes feel he resents them. When I asked him if he wanted a family, meaning my family, he said no he did not. I do not want a divorce but how long can I live alone with a man that is so consumed with religion that there is no room for his family?


Behind The Smile  12/14/2006  I was reading some of the entries, and I decided it was time for me to at least share some of the things which God has brought me through. I married at 23yrs. old to a pastor, and now I'm 38. I know the pain because I have stood,sat,and walked in pain. My sisters only God could have brought me to this point in my life; where today I stand against SATAN in every place he or she chooses to rear his or her head. My husband has suffered greatly with his health because of church people in Gods Church. My husband has had 5 strokes throughout his ministry, and I tell you my sisters you would have thought that the so called saints would have been praying for his recovery. I can remember as if it was yesterday, when the deacons decided not to give me his check because he was sick in bed from a massive stroke, and unable to preach. "They told me that the pastor was sick, and therefore he wasn't working so no CHECK!" I struggled a long time, but in my weakness God gave me streng th. I can remember many other very mean acts that I had to endure, but I am glad that now since God has given to me strength that surpasses all my understanding, I find myself not allowing anyone to block the Blessings That God said he would give. "IN due season we all shall reap, if we Faint NOT." I Love You All, and if anyone of you need to ever speak or talk to me whether it be just to listen,pray, or just for words of encouragement.

JustforJesus  12/20/2006  Last year I took interest in a pastor at our church. I prayed for 5 months about it, while seeking the Lord. We began to talk and spend time with one another, but I was unsure of his interest, and was afraid that I was wasting my time, so one night I asked the Lord to open the door to that relationship that night, because I didn't want to waste my time on something that wasn't in His will. That very night the Lord answered my prayer, and we have been dating for a year now. But this year has been somewhat of a nightmare, I have been very nervous and anxious, and I feel like the Lord is angry with me, it is hard for me to get in His word. Every person I have saught counsel (other pastors) with says it is the enemy, sometimes I believe that and sometimes it feels like it is the Lord. Even though this year has been difficult, I have learned so much more about the Lord and have matured so much, the Lord even opened the door to work at my church, so I am with my boyfriend all the time and we are involved in ministry together and I am able to understand ministry and him a lot better. My boyfriend is aware of everything and he says he believes it is the enemy that I need to trust the Lord, and know that He gives good gifts and that He answered my prayer and is just growing me, I know I can trust him because he is a pastor, and if i were him i would be afraid to date me, but he is not. I know to be a pastor's wife you must be strong and supportive and I know you must be attacked by the enemy a lot. So am I crazy? Could this be the enemy trying to keep me from God's plan? Help!

Victoriously Frazzled  1/13/2007  Sometimes it is hard to know exactly what God wants you to do! But just like you prayed for his guidance over dating this pastor, pray for God to open your eyes to exactly what he wants for you to do. I know that sounds so easy and yet it isn't easy at all. I have been a pastor's wife going on 4 years now. And love my husband to pieces. And yes, there will be times that you look back and think did I make the right husband choice, career choice.... But there is so much comfort when you can look back and know that beyond a shadow of a doubt you knew God led you to marry that man and become a pastor's wife. For me, I had never dated before. I saw no sense in the risk of falling in love with the wrong one. And I just knew God would lead me to the right one. I set my standards high - gentlemen, open doors for me, treat me like a lady, pay for dinner, love God above all else, - and the list goes on. My husband and I met at Bible College, and became good friends in a group of people. And after a while I started having feelings for him. I prayed constantly if he wasn't the one for me for God to take these feelings away and let us not run into each other on campus as much, so that we couldn't get to know each other more. The more I prayed that prayer the more I was falling for him, and the more we were put together on class projects, singing teams, etc... I'm saying all this to say that God knows exactly what you are to do and who you are to be with. He will never lead in the wrong direction. Just be willing to TRULY let Him have the reigns. Hey, and one thing to remember, just because this man is called by God doesn't mean that every decision he makes is right or every advice he gives is of God. My husband and I try and pray that we will always be led of God and be anointed by Him in all we say and do, but honestly we are just his servants, still trying to learn to love Him more. I hope this helps! You could be experiencing spiritual warfare or maybe the Lord is trying to clue you in on something that needs to change in your life, like; a different direction in ministry, maybe to pray for your relationship because there are trials ahead, maybe you guys are getting too close too fast. I know for me and my husband, I began to feel very far from God right before we were to get married. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I was to marry this man. But, our problem was we were being tempted physically. Both of us believes God does not want us to have sex before marriage, and we stood by that. And Praise the Lord, I can say by His grace we were able to stay sexually pure until our wedding night!!! But as we got closer to our date, it became very hard to keep our hands off of each other. And honestly I was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. This may be your trouble or maybe your struggle is entirely different. Just know that whatever it is God has a way of opening your eyes if you will just let Him. I will be praying for you! You must be a great woman of God to feel as you do about the ministry. And always keep your sensitivity to God's presence in your life. God won't let you go no matter what! But there is always more to know and love about God for those who are willing to seek Him. It sounds like you are willing!!! God bless you! If you have any questions email me.

Songbird  2/3/2007  I feel for you, If the Lord answered your prayer the (very night) that you prayed a year ago, than why can't you talk to Him now and ask Him, is He satisfied with you. The Lord wants us to communicate with Him and to have a relationship with Him. He is such a just and faithful and loving God. I feel as if there is a part of the story that you didn't tell here, of course I could be wrong. What is it, if I may ask that you want out of this relationship? I am married to a pastor, next month will be ten wonderful years as far as our relationship goes. As far as ministry, people/saints, family, and the enemy we all have a serious cross to bare in this area, however it can be done with much prayer and truthfully is for our making.. My only this is this I did the same thing, on christmas day, nearly 11 years ago, I guess. In short, I knew he was my husband because of the prophetic gift that operates in my life, however when unsurety reared it's head, I ask the Lord to have him call me, something that I know this man would never do. Yet the very next day, he called me. My point though is that we didn't just keep dating. He called me the day after christmas, which would make it december 26th, and we were married the next year, March 7th and as I stated next month will be ten years. So that's why I ask what are you both seeking out of this? Just to have a boyfriend?? That word even sounds strange to me. Maybe you are right, knowone can tell you what you are feeling but the Lord Himself. If, and I say If you have kept yourself unspotted, and you have a relationship with the Lord, than simply ask Him. A bit of advice for you and anyone else. Nothing is worthy in this world or any to come to put before the Lord. Pray to God. God Bless you.

wounded  12/21/2006  I so want to be free of constant strife. I know that I need to press in more to God. If it was not for His great grace & mercy I would not be writing this today! I know that it is so key to stay focused on God & God alone! May God be glorified at all times! Meeting with a few of the staff & praying that God's will be done in all of us. Pray for me please. As we all seek the Lord may there be a release that we need come forth. I would really enjoy having some fellow sister/pw e-mail me! We could be a daily e-mail friends. Ask rock dove for my email. Blessings & peace be with all of you!

Judy  12/21/2006  After 40 years of marriage and ministry my pastor husband divorced me and is marrying the church piano player. This was a complete shock to me, I had no idea anything was going on behind my back. I know this sounds like a soap story, but it is for real. In this day and time he was leagally able to send me an e-mail saying he was divorcing me, I was served with papers and it was over in 60 days. I have not seen him in person (except at the hearing when we stood before the judge) nor have I talked to him in person or on the phone since he left. He was a wonderful pastor, his people loved and followed him. I supported him and maintained the household and children enabling him to be completely free to do his ministry. He resigned his pastoriate and left. We married as teenagers and I worked while he went to seminary and got his Masters degree. This is the only life I have ever known and the first time I have ever been totally on my own. The Lord is my loving Shepherd and is leading me through this trial. But I don't know who I am now. I have always been the pastor's wife with no idenity of my own. I am having to move out of the parsonage to another state, try to find work and a new church. If anyone can give me any Godly advice please reply, but certainly pray for me.

Girl of Grace  12/22/2006  Please Pray for me and my husband... My husband and I have been married for six years he is a newly ordained minister. He was ordained over the summer but recently with Christmas and all he had to take on a job for a couple of weeks to help us to be able to afford Christmas. But theses last two weeks I have been wishing that he had not have taken that job. Because he has gone from a very compassionate, loving, caring man to i dont even know who he is anymore. And I am very scared he gets very wrathful and starts breaking and slamming things and Im just sitting there watching him go into a rage at me and at other things that he is scarring me. I cant help but wander if it is due to his co-worker and suprivisor has been forcing him to listen to Hard Rock and Heavy Metal. He has told the guy a few times these last few weeks that he does not want to hear that junk but the guy will not hear him and continues to play this junk. So my husband comes home in a rage and I am so scared I have never seen him like this...When he comes home like this its demonic and its scarry...Yesterday was his birthday and I was trying to make it a special one and well at that point I wasnt doing anything we had just finished eating cake when he Blew Up at me and started screaming crazying things at me that made absolutly no sense at all. I just set there in shock and crying out to God for 3 hours last night and today I feel as if I am walking on thin ice and if I have to continue to have to go through with this mess I will drown and die. I am so scared...I have never been this scared in my life...I cannot continue to do this. Please PRAY!

Desperately lonely preachershousewife or DLPHW  12/26/2006  I've seen this question written many ways, and often times answered very similarly. However, each situation is different; and now I'm in the question asking position. My husband is a full time (secular)teacher, a part time seminarian, a "part time" youth pastor (3 days/wk and on call) and unfortunately a part time husband and father. There was someone who called it "leftovers" and I think that is a good description of what our family is to him. If he has any time left over, he may be ok...but its rare he has any time left over. We are parents to a precocious 3 year old son with a medical disability, and I am at home with him 99.9% of the time. I feel often that my husband does not want to deal with this and he uses his duties (wherever they may be delegated to) to evade being at home. Its quite lonely when he's not around, and even when he is he's studying or still avoiding us. I'm tired, I have no family (both parents are deceased), my husband is virtually absent, I have no one really to talk to (church folks are not always people you need to confide in...esp if you are a ministers wife) and vent. I pray without ceasing, and I always recall the scripture "Weeping may endure for night, but joy comes in the morning." Its been a LOOOOOOOOOONG night God, when's the morning going to come? Its very very difficult, and our marriage is falling to shambles b/c we are two totally different people now. Both of us have different ideas on what being a provider is. My son and I need Jay (husband) in all aspects of our lives. My husband feels he needs t provide financially due to our son's medical bills. We're neglected and I feel like we're in competition with God, church duties, members, etc..., and seminary, and his professional (secular)career. I'm so lonely, so tired, and just need my husband back. Please help.

Lenore  12/28/2006  I stumbled across (yeah, right: ok, I was LED to) this site this morning. The posts I read from Pat and Nina were wonderful and I believe still a good word in this season. I am also a pastor's wife who struggles like both ladies mentioned. God's blessings on you.

BlackWhiteandBlue  12/28/2006  This is an interesting question, and hopefully someone out there can help. We are a multi-racial family. My husband is white, I am bi-racial, and obviously our son is mixed. We have been in minstry at a pedominantly African American church which has become a lot more diverse over the years, and the poeple at that church love and embrace my husband and our family. (as Christians should do) However, he recently got a job as a youth pastor at an all white church in an area that is not as open to cultural diversity. He was accepted by the pastor and the congregation quite well until I came to the church with our son. Things have changed...he's still sort of liked, but I know that the fact that his wife is not blonde and blye eyed (no offense to the blondes on this site..I love you) has made me more of an outcast. My dilema is that I want our son to know the Lord, and know that he is still a PERFECT child of God, even if people taunt him over his color. My husband took the job without really thinking of the fall out from home, and an (unfortunately) close minded area of town. Its frustrating b/c I want wholeheartedly to support my husband in his ministry, but its difficult. My son and I have been attending a different, and more diverse church that is closer to our home, and it has been great for us. But my husband suffers b/c we are not with him. I guess I need toknow how to handle all this. I'd be more equipped to "fight back" if I didn't have a three year old son witnessing these "Christians" call him N*****, other equally deroggatory terms. If I wasn't receiving hate mail from members, and if my husband realized what he put us as a family into. I know God has him there for a reason, and maybe it is to open the hearts of others. But would God put our child in harm's way to make a point. I know I'll probably be referenced to Abraham placing Isaac on the altar to see if he's do it, and believe me I've read that over and over. And it still hurts. Its sad knowing that in 2006 almost 2007 we are still dealing with blatant racism and that its in the church. But I rejoice knowing that God see's my heart, and soul...not my outer layer of nicely tanned skin, and curly hair. When will we see that?

dimming brightdancer  12/31/2006  I am a first-time married 47 y.o. woman who switched denominations, quit her job, and moved to the east coast to marry my widowed husband and inherit his teenage daughter last year. It has been about the toughest year of my life. My husband who has been a minister for over 15 years is well-liked by his congregation, whom he had pastored for about 6 months before I moved here. I love the people in his church and belong to several groups. The parishioners are very supportive. I liked the idea of being part of a church couple and looked forward to working with him in this endeavor. Like several other women, however, I have found I married Mr. Hyde. I thought or hoped he had better character before I married him. He denies things he does and blames me for them. He is warm and personable to everyone else, but comes home and reads, watches sports, or works out at the gym and does not really interact with me. When he gets angry, he makes sure he is the one who "wins" at all costs, even the belittling of me, and may turn from me for a week or two. He does not inquire as to what I might think/like, he makes pronouncements which seem unnecessarily divisive and antagonistic. I understand the teenager's disregard, since that is her role. But I do mind my husband acting immaturely and unilaterally and have discussed this with him, usually unsuccessfully. We had been going to a colleague of his as a family counselor for over a year with limited success for the marriage, which grated on me. I told them I was uncomfortable with someone so closely related to the church and my husband and having to air our dirty laundry there. My husband blamed me for not wanting to look too closely at myself and said that was why I quit with the church-counselor. I said I would have gone to pretty much anyone else, but he refused to. I had gone to 12-Step ACoA and therapy over the years and believe I have a reasonably healthy way of dealing with people, but this is incredibly taxing. He lacks empathy with me and respect for me. Having uprooted myself, I am missing the family/friends/work support I used to have and am battling depression. If this does not improve, I am considering leaving this "marriage", despite additional upheaval in my life and have said so. I am thankful for having found this discussion group. Please pray that we might both be better people and serve God together. Thanks.

Kris  1/4/2007  I have read a few of your entries and am excited to find a site where other pastors wives can lend support to each other. My husband has been a pastor for almost 5 years now. He pastors a church of around 120. The first couple of years he was an associate. I have to say the last few years have been very difficult. We have had families simply hate us and people twist and distort every thing about our family. We have been determined to make things work and not allow the devil to take our family out of this ministry. This church has been through many pastors. Finally the family that was putting us through such trying time left and my husband felt free to minister to this church. We were feeling very blessed. To add to the blessing a fellow in the church who is starting a Christian Bed and Breakfast offered me a job as his assistant. It allowed me more time for my family and ministries. I thought this was a blessing from God so I quit my job and started working for him. Unfortunately, I have to work, we took a lose on a home we sold and are still trying to pay it off. I have only worked at this job three month. Yesterday I went to work and he fired me. He said he didn't like me anymore. I have tried so very hard to please this man. He has never told me he was dissatified with my work. I have always been honest and timely. I have a good work ethic. While I do not want to work for someone whom I can not please, I am crushed. Not only emotionally but financially also - we live in a small town and jobs are hard to come by. I am looking at having to comute 3 hours a day to work. I am so angry at this man I do not know what to do with myself. Unfortunately he is quite popular in our church. My husband says I have to be a gracious pastors wife. I am not sure I know how to be that right now. Is it completely wrong to ask someone to find another church? I know I need to get control over my anger. I am just so hurt. If anyone can offer me some words of support it would be wonderful. Thanks.

Jacki  1/5/2007  I have a question about angry people in the church. We pastor a small loving church. The church board is great. However, there were 2 people who were power hungry and caused tension and stress on the board and others constantly. They left. Then sent angry Emails that no one "chased after" them. Then my husband had to let a young man know that he could not allow him to be our "song leader" because there was too much controversy with his being in a wild singing group. Well, anyhow, he got offended, refused to speak with us about it at all, and he and his 2nd wife and his 4 beautiful children left. We were sad. But, his wife sent rather curt Emails to church members, (even included my family who lives far, far, away). We (the church) had paid many bills for them, gave them several thousand dollars to help them out, and my husband and I gave them are large refrigerator, and purchased a small one so that they could have a nice frig. Yet, they got angry. Their excuse was their step father needed help and we "refused" to help the step father. I wondered why they didn't ask the new church they were attending to help the step father. Food (3 boxes of food) was taken to them and the step-father. Yet, we're the bad guys? Wow. It's left me feeling down and discouraged.

newPW  1/9/2007  I just found this site by accident, But I know God knew I would need somewhere to go when things were on my mind... my husband just became a Pastor. We have 4 children, the oldest is about 8 yrs. & my youngest isn't 1 yet. I'm really excited & kind of scared of what is ahead. I recently started to feel kind of awkward towards a friend who is helping my husband in ministry. I didn't feel like this towards her before he stepped into the position he is in now. It's just been weird... she says things that make me say "WHAT?!?!" in my head. I don't know if I should speak with her or not. I just don't want it to be where she'll be walking on egg shells if I do. Please pray for me & my family. THANK YOU & MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL...


Jo  1/11/2007  My husband as been ordained since Feburary of 2006 but we haven't found a church yet, we are waiting on God to put us somewhere. But it is kind of hard to find one. We have one kid that is 18 months old a daughter. Any words of advise. Pray for me especially I am going through stuff that I should talk with my husband about but I don't want to. Pastor's wife needs all the prayer I am new to this!!!! God Bless You All!!!!!

Jaynie  1/16/2007  I have read so much about relational/sexual temptations that Pastors experience and what they can/should do about it, but are there any other pastors wives out there who have struggled with these type of temptations themselves, not just their husbands, or am I the only lonely pastors wife who's ever looked at another man??

hurting badly for sound spiritual advice  1/18/2007  I just wanted to write to say my name has changed to "truly blessed", because since my last entry in 12/28/05, My life has changed drastically. I am happy with me and my children, and I know that God loves and cherishes me because I am His. Whether my husband and I get back together, which we have not, is fine with me. I know that God wants me to have man who will truly love me as Christ loves the church and gave His life for it. So whether my husband is it, or some one else. God will give me what I need to raise my beautiful children and live a prosperous overcoming life. So all hurting women, Love God, Love yourself love your children and love your spouse. Be blessed.

beth  1/20/2007  please help me. im a pastors wife and Im so unhappy. My husband was accused of having an affair with one of the ladies in our church. it was a lie and the whole church stood behind him and the woman when the rumor was started. All the attention was on building them up and seeing them through this lie without even considering my feelings. Since them this woman has did everything in her power to try and get more atention from everyone including my husband. I feel like an outsider. I have no one to talk to and i cant confront her.She follows him around and always needs to talk to him. Please, what should I do.

God's child  4/13/2007  First of all what does your husband say? Whether or not it happened no woman or girl should be following their Pastor (or any other man around). She has no right or reason. You are your husband's wife so don't let another woman even appear to push you out. Actually first needs to be...what does God say? As far as her needing anything from him, if she can't get the help she needs from you then she just need to pray. All churches unfortunately seem to have women at some time or another that feel like they can be as close as they want but we as the Pastor's soul mate need to lovingly let these women know their place in the body of Christ. Even though praying for others that hurt you may be hard it is necessary. A most powerful weapon against the enemy! Pen again so we can rejoice in how God has moved in your life!!! May we continue to link hearts & pray for one another as fellow laborers for the Lord!

facing divorce after 30 yrs  1/23/2007  I am an asian amrican pastor's wife from east coast. My husband have been struggling leading a small group based church for the last 12 yrs...It seems that we dont have the support that we needed. His vision is to implement a biblical community that is relationship based...and being on mission developing deeply devoted disciples.. Train and send out. My husband is having a mid-life crisis and very discourage he recently told me that he is walking away from the ministry and wanted a divorce...feeling unloved.

Julia  2/7/2007  I am a 25 yr old pastor's wife and we have just moved 1/2 way across the country to pastor a church that has been badly hurt by the previous pastor, so understandably they are a little gun-shy to welcome us, we have been here for 7 months and 2 people from the congregation have been to our house, and they are talking behind by back, I suffer with bipolar/depression and this whole situation of fitting in and being talked about are not helping. Aside from praying and trying to support my husband, which I don't think is working, what else would you suggest?

Judy  2/7/2007  Ok i have recently became a pastors wife. We have only been married for 3 months and i have already moved out. What i really need i think is someone spiritual to talk to. Maybe a woman of God. These times are so confusing. I am asking for another wife to contact me so we can talk i need someone to truly confide in no matter what the situation without judgement. Can any one help me. Please help me.

ministry wife of many years  3/12/2007  Hi Judy, I know how it feels to be in need of someone to talk to who you can trust. I have felt very lonely and unable to share my struggles with any body, neither family nor church members for fear of crippling our ministry or damaging our family relationships. However, we need to have someone who we can share with and who will also speak to us the truth in love. I would love to talk with you. Can you share with me what state you live in. Maybe we live close or maybe we could talk on the phone.

Stella  2/9/2007  How do I deal with the fear that my husband for eleven years and who has been a pastor of a local Church for close to twelve years is dating some women in the church? I have prayed,seeking God's direction but I don't seem to hear what best to do.

chosen  4/13/2007  Have you found your fears to be truth? Remember to stay focused on God & His Word no matter what because he knows there is freedom in God's Word! Have you spoken with your husband? I'll be praying for you...just let us know how you are doing...

Sara  2/11/2007  Help! I have been married for ten years now. I am 33, have two kids and one on the way. My husband and I both work full-time in ministry. Over the years my husband has struggled with an addictive personality. Whether it be substances, things, etc. He always trys to substistute one addiction for another. Over the last five months I have "caught" him on drinking binges several times. I have found beer bottles hidden under our car, behind our washer and dryer, reciepts for alchol when he was supposed to be Christmas shopping, etc. God has given me an amazing sense to know as soon as he walks in the door. When confronted, he has no problem looking me in the eyes and lying. This destroys me more than anything. I can not go to our mega-church because of church polotics. It is hard to know who to trust. The Lord has given him an amzing gift with youth and evangelism and given me clear vision over he years on how He wants to use our family, but this bondage is killing me and our marriage. I pray for the Lord to reveal things without a doubt. He does and eventually my husband has not choice but to admit his lies and deception. He will not go to counseling, makes every excuse, and if I wasn't pregnant I am at the point where I'd pack up my children and leave. In ministry, very eye is on us. Everyone loves my husband and even if there was someone to talk to, I work at a church where women are not allowed to rock the boat or are isolated. I feel so trapped by the position of my husband at the church and even though I clearly feel called by the Lord, I often want to walk away so I can openly ask for help. I have been praying for our marriage for over eight years. I know that the Lord's timing is different than mine, but what can I do?

sisfirstladytoo  2/12/2007  Well I don't know where to start. My husband has been unfaithful and now we are getting evicted because everything comes before someone try to tell me why I need to stay in this relationship. The pastor takes care of everyone else except his main responsibilities and I am quite upset...I just want to leave!

DLPHW   2/17/2007  God does not want us in relatiosnhips that are damaging to HIM. Adultery is one reason clearly stated in the Bible as grounds for divorce. Especially if he is not repentant of it. Secondly, if you are being evicted from your home, he is not "loving you as Christ loved the church" nor is he living up to his role as "head of the household." If he cannot provide for his own family, he cannot truly provide to others. I do not advocate divorce, but at this point, if you want to maintain a level of righteousness, and faith...without losing sanity. LEAVE. My prayers are with you.

Northernbird  2/14/2007  My husband and I have been in the ministry for over 30 years now. He is a wonderful speaker and the people love his messages. In themselves they are good but the bridge between what he preachers and what he pratices is quite wide. I feel helpless and frustrated and really don't want to go to church. What do I do?


Sonia  2/16/2007  Hi Ladies, I have read most of the posts and my heart goes out to everyone. I am a new Pastor's Wife and have been in ministry since February 2006. I work closely with my husband in the ministry and he asks that I sit in the pulpit with him. There are those who don't like it and I don't care because that is his request. We have had our issues with certain members. WE have those who we have helped who get mad, when you don't continue to help and cater to them. WE have to be led by the spirit and still be loving and kind. It is hard to be kind especially when you know someone is allowing the devil to use them and are being just mean spirited. It is amazing how many people profess to be christians and their actions are like the devil. Go figure. Since becoming a pq I have learend to pray and stay on my face in God's presence. HIs presence makes all those problems seem trivial. His presence gives me strength. Their are times I have just ried out to the lord and it works and helps. I have recently asked him to unleash the love insdie of me so I can love those mean spirited, evil, professing christians in our ministry. Those who try to flatter you and you know they are geting ready to sta you in the back. But We have to arm our selves to suffer like Jesus suffered. 1 peter 4:1. We are not exempt. BEing a pw is not a glamours position but it is a position that require scommittment to God no matter what. JEsus didn't quit because the way got hard. He walk the road of pain an d sufferring and guess what thate servant is not better than his Lord. Anyway, I love being a pastor's wife and Every day I read EPesians 6:10-20. BEcause I know this is a warfare being a pastor's wife. I pray that GOd will keep me calm and hold my tongue. I talk with my husband and give him my opinion oncertain matters but respect his decision if it is different. I try not to allow anyone to cause conflict between my husband and I. Right now we are close as ever and we always thank GOd that we have each other. He is my best friend and I pray that it will stay that way. We have a congregation of about 70. We have already had some hurtful times due to members and misundertandings as well as their expetation of you. But we continue to pray. Our finances and world have been turned upside down but we are still walking in Faith and Fighting the Good fight of faith. Keep us in prayer. God has equipped me and prepared me to be who I am a Pastor's Wife. I knew when I married my husband that this was going to one day become a pastor. I know it is hard ladies but Consider Jesus who endured such contradiction of sinners against himself. I also know that some of these husbands/Pastors are living double lives and are mean spirtied to their families. I pray that Those who are experienceing this and that your husbands will be convicted and do what is pleasing to the Lord. It makes things a lot better in ministry when both husabnd and wife are one accord and work hard not to allow a member or anyone to come between them. PRAY PRAY PRAY!

jewel  2/21/2007  Hello ladies, I am so thankful for this site! I sometimes find myself in here on my pc at one in the morning, you know, when satan is picking with you about something that happened two days ago, and now he highlights it for you at one a m. I have learned to get in here and pound it out on the keys! That helps me to get it into perspective before I go to my Father about it. It helps me to calm down and tell God what is really bothering me without rambling on about something else. Then, when I talk to Him calmly, I began to feel compassion for the prson that offended me, or the situation that I'm dealing with, becomes smaller and smaller. Thank you "inspired one" that God gave the vision of this to. I read so many of the intries that are statements made by women who are trying to assist or work beside their husbands in minisrty. Many are being treated badly, but are trying to hold on for many reasons, my hats off to you ladies. I realize in this day and time, the pastor, preacher,bishop or whatever title is being worn, SOME of these men are living in a dream world! Everybody wants to be BIG. They want to immulate the multi-media boys. They want to be honored, adored, flower petals thrown at their feet, and heavily guarded of course. Well, this is my question, "who is all these folks after them?" In a small town, or a rual area church setting, why do you need bodyguards?Why must everyone stand upon you (pastor and/or your wife) entering the sanctuary? A chaffuer? I am not knocking what is being done for the mega televangelist, but what these local yokels have to realize is that these people did not start out like this. They had to sew into the kingdom by shepherding the flock one-on-one, get their hands dirty, go without, and it did not happen overnight. These people are enjoying the fruits of their labor, in their season. Now, the mind-set of alot of the ministers today (especially the young ones) is get all that they see by any means necessary, reguardless of who you step on, or over. Noone wants to pay dues, they want all of this at the hands of, or should I say, off of the backs of the sheep! The women that started with them are suffering because of the inflated egos of their spouses in ministry. You have limited choices in this. Stay, and suffer along, the ministry must continue, just perservier or, stick it out to get what you have coming to you as wife,( hey, you didn't get here all by yourself "I'm not going anywhere honey, I don't care what you do, you will pay!, or continue to pray God's perfect will for you, the "big headed king", the children, and the ministry. I have seen God bring some to their senses by suffering to them, a humbling dose of satan. He can and will get the attention of those who have taken the focus off of God and His glory, and become little gods themselves. What is being done now in some ministries has no resemblance of the walk of Jesus. He, was of the most high God, but walked in humbleness and meekness, and when He wasn't walking, He rode on an ass. Come on fellows, earn your props before trying to flaunt them, and remember to be very careful of the manner in which you treat people on your way up,.....(you know the rest). And let me not forget the "damsels in UN-DRESS", they hold a special place in my heart. Did any of the older women ever tell them that "all that glitters, aint gold?" They are special aren't they? They really think that because this appears to be the man for them,that it's alright to break his home and disrespect his wife? You know, the one that says, "pastor and I just couldn't help it, it just happened, we fell in love". Have you completly checked out of the real world?"Now, the pastor is going to leave his wife and children, marry you (who is dreaming of a wedding right there in the same church), continue to lead the church along with you as First Lady, after his wife has been replaced by you, "someone who really understands him?" I have an over abundance of compassion for you because satan has beguiled you. If that were to happen, the domino effect would occure. First, the breaking of a marriege and home, displaced children, another victory for satan, another black eye for the church, scattering of the flock, and you think that your "happiness" is worth all of this disaster? When will you gals learn, "what God has joined together, let no man (damsel) put assunder?". And, can or will he be able to pastor effectively? You cannot have him, he belongs to God first, and the woman that God chose for him. Your running after the pastor, having private meetings with him(because you just can't talk to his wife or any of the other women of the church),and being forward with him by jesters or certain mannerisms only make you appear to be inappropriate. When his job is on the line, he will turn- tale on you, and run back to safety, his wife. All will lose because of the persuit of the flesh, but the ministry, that could have won many souls for Christ, has a dirty joke attached to it. I pray much for these women, they discourage others from assisting the pastor because of the gossip that follows, WAKE Up! jewel, 2-21-07.
Needing a ministry friend  2/22/2007  I am a senior pastor's wife in the Atlanta, Georgia area. I was wondering if any senior pastor's wife in the area would be interested in getting together to support or just talk to one another occasionally. It's difficult to share many concerns with those in our church or town. Needing a ministry friend.

New territory old feeling ----- venting  3/4/2007  After 21 yrs of sucessful ministry I believe my husband is going thru burn out. We were pastoring a church were we was facing a lot of legalism we seem to be winning the battle. We were there for five years. The church was growing we had several new families coming. We are in a demonational church. There was a lady who was a save as I will ever be but, since she had been divorce and remarried one of the main money source people felt that she shouldn't be apart. So he contacted our Overseer. My husband was having to meet with our overseer on a weekly basis because of the compants. He went and talk to most of the decision makers of the church it seemed everyone wanted this lady and her family to be apart of the church. My husband let her join in membership. He said that he knew that he would get some flack for it be he was willing to go thru it for he knew she was a Godly lady. But after several away meeting with our Overseer his body seem to shut down. He started having chest pains the hole nine yards. He said he had no control over it. In one week he resigned his church because he felt that is was going to be taken away from him. Oh the man that was the main money man had donated 20,000.00 to our state headquaters so felt he was being bought out. Who really knows but, God. I had to quite my job without a notice and we moved in with my husband parents. Then our home church came open and my husband became pastor, but he just couldn't leave the past in the past. You see he loved that local church and still does. He was still a hurting man. Six months later another church came open in another state we move. In one year we move 5 times. We are currently pastoring a small church and most of the time he seems happy. But there are days when he wants to quit pastoring and get a job. I have a career that has to be build anew everytime we move. The older I get the harder it is to rebuild my business. I feel cheated because, I left a great job to start over and now it is in question again. I have 4 jobs in a 11/2 yrs. What is my role and am I suppose to wait till I get to old to start over or get a new career. I would have to go back to college because I have no other training , I feel like the monkey is all on my back... I also think my husband is still recovering from a near nervous break down. I even have a clue as to what I need to do. I have always put him first my career last. Now, I feel empty. please pray for me that God will open great doors in my life also. I need training in hourly job not in sales.

dimming brightdancer  3/9/2007  If your husband has been unfaithful (having an affair with another), he needs to make amends and start doing the right things by you. He may not be able or willing to do this. You took the same vows he did, but he is not following them. Why isn't that a break of the contract you both made on your wedding day? My husband takes care of the church very well, too, at the expense of his family (me and his daughter who is nearly out of high school). He said he learned from his first marriage and is doing things differently with me, but if he is, it is not very much. I would not hold out hope that your husband is going to change. Do you have children? If not, go now, get a job and take care of yourself. If you have children, you have some reason to stay together, but not much. I think the Roman Catholic church might be right in that priests are not allowed to be married. It seems many married ministers really don't have time to practice good relationship skills, anyway.

minister wife  3/14/2007  I;ve read most of the entries and dearly beloved I will pray for you everyday.My heart bleed for you ladies.Please contract rockdove for my email and I would love to talk with you ladies.I'm struggling with being a minister wife and being lonely (HELP).

Ginger  3/16/2007  Hi everyone. Just ran across this web-site....and I love it. Most preacher's wives websites seem to be "perfect PW's"; which I am not! I used to be very active in the church, but I got shot down by "jealous members" that wanted the things I got started done, but didn't know how, and then when I was successful with it they couldn't stand it!! They found fault with everything I did and there was alot of "back biting"; they turned on me and my husband!! It is amazing how they can turn on you!! Now, since we have been at this church, I do not actively take part. I attend services, and some of the socials. I feel guilty like I cannot serve the Lord, and the devil has won out. But I am scared to do anything, afraid the same thing will happen again like before. How can I serve the Lord in church, when I feel this way? Does anyone have similiar experiences? How have you handled it?

shadow  4/30/2007  I have experienced the same type of ridicule. It was so bad my husband convinced me to give up positions I held in the church and I really regret that. He wanted me to be a bench member which I am certainly not accustomed to. He has since then come to his senses and apologized for asking me to step down and encouraging me NOT to work in the church he pastors. I am seeking God to make a way for me to be involved. What we have to realize is we have been picked out to be picked on. Whether we work in the church or not the members -especially the women are going to talk about us and want our position they think is so marvelous. They don't have a clue how hard it is to be a PW. People on the outside looking in think that because we are always smiling, going from church to church supporting our husbands, sacrificing our weekends to meet church schedules, etc. we have it altogether. If they only knew what we struggle with to sit there sometimes and not cry out loud. They are jealous of what they think you are all about. Yes I smile on Sundays and fellowship with the members when I really had rather run to my car as soon as service is over. I had to come to realize I had rather have people give me a hard time doing God's work. My relationship with Chirst is suffering because I allowed people to convice me to sit down on God. I am trying to get back to where I was with Christ so I can move forward, because the hurt I experienced made me want to give up but we cannot do that we have to press on and let prayer be strength for our struggles. You may contact me by email and we can be supportive of one another through this storm.

Hurting  3/19/2007  I am a pastor's wife of 23 years, we have two teenagers 17, and 19 in age. Lately, I am feeling not needed and not wanted, very hurt- my family -my husband and kids went on a mission trip and due to my job I could not go. I feel very left out, I have always wanted to do mission work, but I never get to go, my family constantly goes to church camps and mission trips. I feel I am not worthy or not good enough to go. Please help me I just can't deal with this very much more I just want to leave evrything and evryone. I feel so hurt -as if God is punishing me for something! My family doesn't understandi how I feel- my husband jokes around alot about things. Am I going crazy?

Sonrise  3/27/2007  Ladies please help! How do you handle you husband (the Pastor) continually making sacrifices for the church and needs at home are not being met. I have a BIG problem with this, because I believe the correct order of things is God, family, and THEN the church. Any other PW's experiencing this type of problem?

Nuni  3/29/2007  My hubby and I are in our first full time pastorate. It will be 2 years in May. We have 3 deacons and (Just to put it calmly)their wives give us such a hard time! One of them calls other people in the church and says things that are not true and many other things have happened. One day she just jumped all over me! I am not handling this very well. What do you do? I am so hurt. I feel like I have put a wall up to all of our people at this church since this happened. i don't want to be a hinderance to our ministry and I absolutely love being a pastor's wife, but sometimes I wonder if it is what God wants for me. All this strife! Sometimes it is more than I can handle...Any helpful ideas?

nini  3/30/2007  My husband got the call to be a pastor two years ago. Before he got called, we had a lot of problems in our marriage. WE have three kids and we decided to make it work, and God has brought us through so much. I guess I feel as if I need some healing and he is NEVER there for me. He has time for everyone else in the church, and is concerned for their souls, but seems very nonchalant about mine. I am so hurt most of the time and he gets very frustrated with me. I am just really really sad, and I feel as if I lost God. Now, my husband is getting installed on Sunday, and his family tells me that my attitude will make him lose the church. I am in law school full tilme and he supports me with all i need to go to school, but not what I need for my spiritual development. Help me I feel as if I am slipping away with nothing to hang on to.

Ruthie  3/30/2007  Recently, a girlfriend of mine who grew up as a PK, gave me a book..."Desperate Pastor's Wives." by Ginger Kilbaba and Christy Scannell. IT IS HILARIOUS. I don't know if something is in the water, but it seems like every spring things sometime spin out of control...our phone ringing off the hook. I needed a good laugh...desperately. My friend gave me this and I read it in 24 hrs. It provided comic relief, encouragement and renewal of my spirit. God has blessed me with this friend I can be real with. He has also blessed me with my husband of 15 yrs, a 10 yr old son and a 6 yr. old daughter. we've just got to hang in there sisters and know we are not alone.

bj  4/3/2007  I have been married to a pastor for 24 years. Our marriage has always been rocky--mostly a lack of communication and coldness from him. I found out that even though he is a pastor, he has had two affairs. Recently, he was caught over the home of a single woman--just the two of them. He insist that it was just a social call. He has indicated to me that in three years, he wants a divorce; but now he wants me to stay for three years just for our 15-year old son; just show up twice a month for church. He no longer shows any affection, and sleeps in another room. I can't stand hearing him preach. I pray every single day. What are your thoughts. Should I separate now, or put up a front before the congregation.

Maggie  4/4/2007  As a Pastor's wife, I have had many situations crop up as well ... and as much as many of these comments are very helpful to all of us, I would like you to know that I am here to talk to any other pastor's wife about their issues. You may write if you wish. I'm sure we have enough information to share and help each other. It is hard to be a pastor's wife because you can't just talk to anyone for counseling and you have to always show a positive happy face even though you may not feel that way. I found that the book called "A Wife's Prayer" is very helpful!

shadow  4/5/2007  I would like to have an email buddy. I am a pastor's wife of two years and I am so confused. My husband constantly places the church and its members before his family. I was very active in my church when we first met and prior to his call as a pastor and now he does not want me to work in the church. It bothers me to see him encourage others and stiffle my desire to work for God. He trys to run our home as directed by his members. I really miss working in the church and it really hurts that he wants me to sit on the gifts and desires God has blessed me with. I find myself loosing respect for him as a minister of the Gospel. I dread services because he is a different person in the pulpit. He is so compassionate, loving, fun, yet as soon as we get home he changes to critical, withdrawn, and unsupportive. Help

Karen  4/20/2007  i am a pw of 3 years i also share in the ministry along side my husband. i love our church and though we have gone through some horrendous battles i would not want to be any where else. I wanted to reply to you because you are in such need of the Fathers love right now and encouragement from a sister. You said you would love an e mail buddy, well sis so would I. please let me know K

Listening ear  5/21/2007  I would love to have an email buddy also. I became a pastor's wife almost 3 years ago. I made the mistake of thinking if I did not act like the stereotypical pastor's wife I wouldn't have any conflicts with the membership. I was soooooo wrong! My husband was already pastoring before we got married. I've found that talking to my husband about my issues doesn't help because he doesn't understand although he tries. We must always intercede for our husbands no matter what and trust the Lord. I'll be looking to hear from you!

trudisciple  4/6/2007  Question-I consider my self to be my husbands helpmate in ministry. I am supportive of his plans and leadership but, lately, it seems that the lines have become blurred. I am compliant to whatever my husband request, to support his ministry. I am filling a ministry role that presented itself when we first arrived at this pastorate. It is not consitent with my heart or vision. I am doing things not because I would choose them for myself, but I'm responding to the needs and wants of my husband and the needs in the church. I quess what I'm saying is that I seem to have lost my autonomy. I am a peace maker and not one who wants to rock the boat, but i'm getting to where I just want to jump right out of it. Can any one relate?

Diana  4/10/2007  I was told by church leadership that my pre menopause is a stumbling block and that I must repent of it.

Sister  5/11/2007  Diana my sister what does that mean you pre menopause is a stumbling block? I wish some time that people would be more kind and understand to the needs of women. Our bodies are constantly changing and if they were not they themselves would not be here. We are fearfully and wonderfuly make perfect for the masters uses. How do you repent for some thing God has done? Now I will say that it is harder to control our feelings but not impossible. Learn yourself all over again pay attention to your body and moods and ask the Lord for strenght and help. Take time for relaxtion as much as possible. This can be a most wonderful time in your life. Do not let anyone make you feel mad about this time of life but injoy it.

Sister & Jemari  5/29/2007  Thank you for your kind words regarding my struggle with pre-menopause. I was told I could not sing or fellowship with the music ministry any longer until I was "done" with menopause. There are very cruel people in this world and some of them are in the church. I think the bible refers to them as "wolves in sheep clothing". As difficult as this is, I know The Almighty will help me. What makes the cruelty of these people even worse is that my husband and I don't have any children and now I won't be able to have any. Compassion is non-exisistent in this startup church.**Your sister in Christ, Diana

4/19/2007  I have been a pastors wife for 14 years. My husband starting pastoring when he was 20 and I was 19. I have learned a lot through the years but there's one thing that I still haven't figured out "How come there's not one lady in my church that I can truly call my friend, someone that I can confide in and hang-out with. I can't seem to find one friendship that lasts for to long. Once again I got hurt by a "friend" because someone new starting coming to church (I praise God that He is bringing new people in) and now she doesn't seem to have time for me. Now her and her husband are always with this new couple and they just don't seem to want to be around us, even my husband has noticed a difference. I really thought that we had friends in this couple but now it's more like they are just members of the church we pastor. I'm really tired of thinking that it's me, there's something wrong with me and I've done something or that I'm jealous. I really don't think that's it at all. I just need God give me one woman about my age that can be a true friend to me. So, I guess my question is, "Do other pastor's wives have this same problem?"

Lebo  4/20/2007  I really need to share something with you because I really don't understand what is happening with me. For the past couple of weeks I have experienced a shift/growth like never before 'not from the teachings in our church', I started reading more and searching for ideas for women's ministries and to understand more of what it's all about. Lately I've been feeling like I don't fit in anymore in my local church for e.g. when we have our women's meeting I am not learning anything, I feel like I am ahead spiritually, I feel like I'm being limited or bottled in some way. I'm the assistant to my Senior Pastor's wife within the women's ministry, I love my Pastor's wife and our church it's just that some how I have been having this strong feeling that we have to move from our church. I have not told anyone about this, even my husband and about three month's back I experienced this urge in my spirit to start praying for the different departments within 'a ministry' for e.g. I would start praying for the children's department, women's ministry, men's ministry, youth ministry, the building itself etc.. and all of these things I have been doing them in silence and at times I would say to myself that I am crazy how can I start praying for something that has not taken place yet. I believe that it is not my choice for me and my husband to move but it is God's choice because for us to be in our local church was God's choice in the first place. Believe you me I did not share this with anyone and yesterday after church me and my husband went out for lunch and all of a sudden he said to me. 'Babe you know I really feel like I'm bottled and limited in our church' and for a moment there I was silent and shocked. Could this be a sign that it is time for us to move? It is really difficult to discuss such a thing. Please help by responding because I feel like I am about to explode. By the way this site has been such a blessing to me and I am based in South Africa. God Bless.

Fed Up  4/21/2007  I am so alone and unhappy. I am 2300 mi's away from family/friends. We've been here 5 1/2 yrs. He pastors a sm. rural church and works a FT job also. I want out so badly. The church is negative and unmotivated. Me, my husband, another couple, and one other person do the majority of the work while the others in the congregation sit on their tails and do nothing. They don't want the church to grow. The complain about me and my husband. They talk behind our backs and each other's. To make things worse, I have never lived in the country before and I hate it. I am from the city. I feel SO isolated. I have no friends my own age. On top of that, they seem satisfied with attending churc deep but have no deep hunger for the things of God. The truth is, I never wanted to be a PW. I wanted to live my life fully for God, do short term missions - that sort of thing. Be independent. The church has sucked the life out of me....and they don't appreciate us. It's hard to love and relate to these people. I think whatthey really want is an errand-boy they can push around and bring a nice little sermon every week. I'm fed up.

my-my-misty  4/23/2007  look i am new to the ministry. this is the hardest,loneliest,most wonderful experiance i've do i cope w/the hours of being alone?are preacher wives supposed to be the only one to care for home,kids, bills,& everything not church?we have 5 kids.i can't even go to church bec of no nursery & enough hands for them.plz share your wisdom.i need it desperatly.this to shall 'pass' is not holding me any more.

Heart broken  4/26/2007  I'm new to this site, not a pastors wife, but a ministers wife, my husband is addicted to porn, and it hurts me daily. I just need prayers and need to know how to cope with it. I know its not right, he knows he has a problem, but it is not easy to break the addiction for some reason. It makes me feel worthless, like I am ugly and I feel alone a lot. I love him dearly and I just want to know how to cope and how to pray for him and not always lash out or hang it over his head. Someone please help me, I don't know what else to do.

4/27/2007  I have no questions. It doesn't do any good to ask any questions anymore. I have no friends, I am verbally abused at church by a clever woman who convinces others in the congregation that I am unfriendly to her. I finally after seven years of this stood up to her, I have had enough. But she twisted it and became the victem. He accusations are decietful and unrealistic but she has threatened to leave the church. She ended up being begged to stay. My problem is that everyone walks all over me. Every dirt job at church seems to fall to me. Every dirty lie concievable is told about me. It's not that my husband is in favor of it, it's just that he has no where else to go. So Sunday I will go to church and I will be scrutinized for every move I make. Did I answer frienly enough? Do I show enough enthusism when I respong to this individual? Do I give he right answers? If not, she will report me and probably leave the church in a show huff. I'm sorry I didn't just let her continue abusing me. I'm sorry I caused my husband this kind of trouble (he's very supportive of me and compassionate --- he has not let me feel abandoned. She also accuses my daughters of being unfriendly because "they've heard mom and dad talk". They are also judged and held to impossible levels. I have been thinking about getting a job that would include some Sunday work. Then at least the time for damage would be limited. Don't think this could be talked out at a meeting of reconciliation. This woman hates me and now I've crossed her and I WILL be punished. I think maybe just checking out would be a good answer. I'm not enjoying my life or any of my relationships anymore. I'm not even enjoying my relationship with God. Well, there you go.

minister wallace wife  4/30/2007  Ladies I continue to pray for each and everyday.I know it is hard being a pastor/minister wife.The bible tell us to always pray and faint not.Psalms 37:fert not of evil doer,Ps37:3 Trust in the thyself also in the Lord.Ladies I'm am in need of encouragement so if you would a christian fellowship, friendship,to minister's/pastor's wife's please contact rockdove for my email.May God continue to bless and keep you til we meet again.

1st lady,MI  5/1/2007  Hi, I've been a Pastor wife now for 2 yrs. We had put in for a transfer at my job, but he ended up applying to a church that didn't have a Pastor and got it. But I still had to go to Texas for my job and I told him to go ahead and stay that I'll be back in 18 months but while I was gone he became very involved with different women and since I've been back home I've recorded him begging on the phone to one of them and of course I call the lady which is a church member. Which she called another church member and told them I called her but not why I called. To make along story short they made it seem like I was just causing problems in other words they put their junk on me. I've been praying for the hurt,pain, and anger to leave me. But it is hard to look at him preach knowing what he has done. Ther are other things but it would take me forever to tell the story. In the 2 yrs the people comes first before his family. I'm still trying to find where to serve and the moment I'm getting a ministry together for teen girls in the church so I'm trying to focus on that instead of on all the mess that is going around about him while I was gone. If anyone has any advise tell me how to trust and beleive in him for I know we are not to judge unless we be judged. I do love him very much that is the only thing in the flesh that is keeping me here and around to support him in his ministry. God is the main reason I'm still HERE!!!!! Please help lonely with the Pastor.....

Exhausted  5/3/2007  I am soooo tired I really feel like giving up! I am annoyed that my husband suffocates me. He imposes his entire person upon me. I cannot breathe. I have lost myself and I am so far gone I do not know what to do. I feel as though I am biding my time. My women's ministry is the most thriving area of ministry. It increases and growth and gives me great expression and fulfillment. On the eve of my meetings he often picks at me creating arguments then threatens to close out the women's group because I am not fit to minister. If I show any excitement about anything other that what he is interested in and excited about, he makes sure he extinguishes the fire. I'm now getting tired of the people. Sometimes I don't want to see them at all. It seems like everybody drains all that I have and leave me void. I sincerely believe that if I dropped of the face of the planet, he'd remarry before I went cold. I feel like a wax image...just look good and smile but who cares to know how I really feel or think. Please pray for me! I really mean, PRAY FOR ME NOW!!!!!!!! I need it! Signed exhausted with tears staining my cheeks.

CHICK  5/5/2007  There is a lot of thing we can do to protect ourselves in a since and that is pray and pray a lot. Trust God to fight your battle for you. Find books about being a pastor wife that can give you a idea of how to do this. You are not perfect and you never will be. People will want you to be but you are not and neither are they. Learn to except who you are the good, the bad and the ulgy. God love you just like you are. If other peolpe cann't except that that is thier problem not yours. Don't take their bad view of you and make it your own. What I mean is just because that is the way they see you don't mean you take that as truth. God word is true. What does good word have to say about you. You are wonderful,loving, powerful,beautiful and intelligent women of God. Our father love us so much. Let us hold that thought in mind. And so shell I

Jackie  5/5/2007  I have recently become an associate pastors wife. We have two children and my husband says I complain too much and am too negative. I tell him the truth, but he ignores me and wonders why I get upset. He wants me to "stay home" but I work (a part-time job) taking the kids with me and so I never have any time away. We argue about money some, but mostly he expects me to have a perfect house, participate in all church activities, get up in the night with the baby every time (I nurse), work my part-time job, feed and have clean clothes for everyone, and the worst one, help him in any and all projects (proof reading sermons, etc.). My husband is a slob, and he blames me for this, saying I am unorganized. He thinks everything of mine is his, and he loses it, breaks it, or lends it out. He drops everything he is doing for me to tend to another church members' needs. So I find it really hard to be thankful when I do not even get adequate physical rest, leaving me depleted spiritually. I think this site may be useful for me if I can find time to read and write. I also get mad at God sometimes and feel he is sexually biased. Why do we lose our identity? And why are churches so adimant on the men having a wife before they can get leadership positions? Pastors frequently neglect their families anyway. I feel that since he moved up, he spends less time in the word and more time on kissing up. I pray for him every single day, and I feel that he knows this, so he relies on me to be his prayer warrior. He told me he has an annointing and I should suppport him, which I do, but I do not condone his recent behaviors which include lying and cheating people out of money. Since I am new, I do not want to confide in the pastor's wife. I am really trying to seek God's face through all this.

Kristin  5/6/2007  Hello everyone! I have such a burden on my heart and I need some Christian female support! My husband and I have been married for almost two years, and that entire time he has been searching for a youth pastor job. When we married I was barely out of college and still loved the idea of moving far away and starting a new life with him. Since then my heart has changed. We are trying to start a family (which isn't going so well) and we still live near both of our families. My best friends are no longer college roomates, my best friends are my family and I love living near them. I also have a job that I adore. When it comes to having a baby, I want to be close to family to have their support and help and to have my family know my baby and for my baby to know his/her grandparents and uncles. My husband does not share my sentiment. We left a job at a Christian college to pursue a possible youth pastor position that fell through, and since then he has been working at a heating and cooling company and he hates it. Because of all this he still wants to move away for a job. When it comes to him applying for jobs I want to only apply to jobs that are close to home, and he wants to apply everywhere. So far he hasn't really applied out of the state, but we've only had two interviews in a year and a half and both were no. We don't live in an area where there are many opportunities. I am so torn. Because we are trying to start a family I don't want to move away from ours, but I know I am limiting our search. I just feel that if we wait for the perfect job it will open for us in this area. If we moved I would be devastated, and would leave a job I love and a family I love. He would have a job he loves, but I wouldn't. What would I do when the baby came and he went off to work for 8 hours a day and I was left alone in a town I didn't know with no family. I can't even imagine. I am only 25 and my husband is only 24. I don't see the rush to find the job so soon. I want to be supportive, but I don't want to move far away, hate it and be depressed, that wouldn't be helpful either. I am not sure what to do anymore. :(

newlywed rev's wife  5/11/2007  Hello.. My name is Stacia.. I'm a newlywed reverends wife.. The Ministry he has created and nurtured is on hold as is a church home to serve in and be a part of.. I'm so ready to begin.. but he is it wrong to ask ..WHEN do we start?.. what can I do?.. Any support is welcome.. PS I am disabled and have no new friends in the area.. most likley because we have no home church yet. PRAY for us?

5/12/2007  Hi.. my submission is a bit rare.. I WANT my ORDAINED Pastor husband to get BACK to living IN the Lord.. and Be an active pastor... I am praying for him.. please agree with me in prayer for this.. for God's will to be done in our lives. I'm a newleywed.. we havn't even been married a month... and God has blessed us so much.. it has to obvious that God's got business to be about... Any answers or ideas welcome.. and to the wonderful sisters missing their hubbys at home.. Just Thank God for your man's dedication.. and what he will do...

Jemari  5/13/2007  I originally came onto this sight to vent, but I find after reading what you are all going through, too, I guess I don't really need to anymore. Instead I am just reminded that, like Christians all over the world, we are called to suffer for Jesus. We just didn't expect our suffering to be at the hands of our husbands and congregations. ;) The truth is, I can't do this for my pushy husband, or my ungrateful family, or my judgmental church. I can however, by grace, live for my Lord. He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, and darn it, I love Him to, in spite of the craziness of living in this sin filled world. He is still good, even when it doesn't feel like it anymore. He is our rock. He sees. He hears. He saves our tears in a bottle. Grace to you, ladies, and all the mountains you face. May The Comforter give you peace. ***A note to Diana: pre-menopause is no more a "stumbling block" than diabetes is. Your body is no longer producing the same amount of certain chemicals that it used to, and that has a major effect. People everywhere underestimate the power of hormones--remember those little things are strong enough to convince your body to sustain another life! Look up the PMS treatment clinic (founded by Holly Anderson) for more info. There are natural treatments that can help until your body balances itself out.

Casey  5/15/2007  I just found out on Mother's Day 2007 that my husband had been having an affiar with one of the young ladies in church and she has a baby by him he want me to stay with him but how do I forgive him and stay with him while knowing he has a child with another woman?

Godsgirl  5/15/2007  I stumbled onto this message board while looking for a support group for pastor's wives. My husband and I have been in various ministries in the church for several years and he just recieved his ministerial credentials this month. We are excited about starting a new church, and I just wanted to be able to talk to other pastor's wives, give some encouragment and maybe recieve some, but I have seen very little encouragement here. It seems that there are many who are downtrodden and some who feel like their situations are hopeless. Well, let me be the first to encourage those of you who are having a rough time. God is in control. He sees your pain and knows the tears you have cried. Stay faithful to Him and to your spouse and He will work everything out. "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11) "Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might. Put on the whols armor of God that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." (Eph 6:10-11) God's purpose for us is to be an encouragement to others, but how can we encourage others when we are so busy dwelling on our own misfortune? I say that we turn this around on the devil. Use our misfortune as a testimony. Use it to encourage others who are in pain and going through similar things. God always works everything together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Everything that satan means for evil in our lives, God can turn it around for good. YOu have to be willing to let go and let God do it for you. If we don't give our problems and tragedies to God, if we hang on to them and dwell on them, and don't take it to the Lord in prayer, then we tie the hands of God in our lives. I pray that every one who reads this will be blessed and encouraged in the Lord. I pray that they will have renewed strength. I pray that they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. They will rise up on wings like eagles. Most of all, they will wait upon the Lord. In Jesus' name all burdens will be lifted and they will take light yoke of Jesus. He will carry the weary travelers and deliver all from the fowlers snare. Lerd, also give them a renewed passion for You! Light the fire that once burned so brightly. Give them a new vision and help them to see past their circumstances. God you alone know their depths of depair. I pray that they would cry out to You and be healed. I pray healing into broken marriaged and relationships. I pray that there would be a spirit of repentance among them and their spouses. I pray that hardened hearts would be softened and that yoou would break down all walls with Your battering ram of revelation. Help them to be overcomers by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony. Lead them to victory in every circumstance in their lives. I pray that YOu would place a deep love for others in them. A compassion so deep that it cuts like a knife in their spirit. You alone are the Healer of all wounds, LOrd. Show Yourself to them in that way this day. In Jesus' Name, Amen
Nana  5/16/2007  I believe it was God who led me to this webside. To him be all the Glory. I am married to a junior Pastor in our church. We have been married for almost two years now. I have a child from previous relationship years ago. We both met at church and we both waited to hear from God. We were both clear that this was God will which it is. Everything seemed positive before we got married we were both working together in the same ministry. He was then humble, gentle and had a lovely sense of humour. Since we got married he dedicated himself to his calling and left his job to be in the church full time. I am supporting him with this and will always do. The challenges are the fact that he is never home, from monday to monday. He comes back home from church tired and he will not talk to anyone in the house including my child. In bed he puts his ear phone to listen to preaching messages. I talked to him about this but he does not see my challenge and tell me that he is the man in the house. I cannot remember going out with him or going on holiday with him. In church he ignores me and will not sit next to me unless I ask him. I am now expecting a baby and have health challenges. He still does not care he forgets to pick me up for helath appointments, when I am in pain during the night he continue to sleep or just say "soory" without any comfort. When I am in bed ill and my daughter is around he will not even give us food he will dish for himself in front of my daughter and eat. I had to come down to the kitchen not able to walk properly and very weak to dish for my daughter. He has no time for eve the unborn baby to hold my tummy and pray for the baby or talk to the baby. Even in bed he will not touch it or ask whether it is moving or not. Due to my illness I have been in and out of hospital, at one stage he came to see me at the hospital for 35 minutes and left telling me he is going to church. Being worried about my child I begged the hospital to discharge me which they did and I had to call him to pick me up. My legs are swollen the hospital thought it was clot but they injected me. The legs are stiil swollen and not able to massage them myself my child does it but not as effective as an adult. My husband told me that I have to ask him first. Now my child is affected by this life he now calls my daughter "stup" and a " Bastart" because my daughter was crying seeing me ill and wanting to sleep in the same room with us. My husband told me that my child is disobedient and that he is the head of the house and that where he comes from children have to sit up when the head of the house comes home. When I talk to him about this he justifies them and also told me he has responsibilities at church. I have been praying about this but there is no change. I even asked Go d to change me if this is about me. I work full time and struggling to do house work at times due to complications. He is not helping me out. I am scared to tell the Senior Pastor about the life at home as they see me smile everytime in church and doing what I have to do. I am now thinking of separating from him to give him the space as he told me that I want to destroy his ministry. God knows all I want is to serve him and spend time with my family. I know God is able and there is nothing too hard for him. Please sisters tell me what to do. this is affecting the unborn baby as the heart beat was irregular, but God healed him/her. I am so hurt and my confidence is gone. I sleep in tears everyday. Please help me. God bless you all
Dorine  5/16/2007  I have been a senior pastors wife for 3 years and it's been awesome God has been so good.But there are times like now that i just want to quit. I have being having so much trouble with my husbands parents who attended the church 2 years ago. My husband's father was an elder for another church, so when he came to our church after two years proving himself my husband made him an elder. After that he has changed and never supports on any decisions my husband makes, he suddenly looks down at my husband and treats him badly front of the church. I have just heard that he has rung up most of the people of the church and gossip about my husband and told them that my husband is weak.... I just cant believe it. I have notice a lot of change in the eldership they just are not listening or agreeing in any of my husband decisions. Even his wife is stiring alot of trouble and even puting me down and my children. I really thought fathers should support there sons, i wish they never came... my husband and i asked them why they are doing this, they reply they are older and we need to listen to them... Please prayer for me and please help!!!!!!!!!!!

Denise  5/18/2007  Hello Elect Lady's question regarding single women in the church & feeling like you are invisible in the church arena. we have been married 6 years. we have a very hands on, family church. how do i respond to women feeling like my husband has to be everything pastor, friend, brother, father, to there household. thank you for your guidance!

rena  5/24/2007  I am a new Pastor's wife, we have started a home base ministry, which is an awesome blessing, my husband is a true man of God, but i have a problem with him listening to me, and when we don't agree on something we both will not speak to one another for days, and i am not confortable with going to service when we are not speaking so i will not go. I need some help, because i feel all alone, just like for mother's day he did not tell me happy mother's day until he told everyone else that was in service, and i felt so akward and did not recieve it so after wards i decided not to go to service until we begin to speak again. Now certain members texts me scriptures and i am wondering are they given them to him as well. sometime he can be intimidating.

worshipper  5/25/2007  I was thrilled to "stumble"haha onto this site. I have read SO many PW's who have no one to talk with that is trust-worthy. I have never confided with women in our ministry. I haven't seen a single church that doesn't have the gossip click. Our women never come to me to talk about anyone, only for counsel. Sometimes I weep desiring to have that "person" I could seek advice from knowing they hear from the Lord and who is a trusted confidant. I am really facing the most difficult spiritual times I feel just worn out. I know this is not a battle against flesh and blood however, I would appreciate your prayers and would love to pray for anyone else who is facing a spiritual war!!!

elizabeth  5/26/2007  I am a pioneer church planter's wife. I have been looking for a place to share with other "planting" wives. We started with 3 people at a bible study in 2002. We are now averaging close to 70, but are struggling with the commitment level of people in our area. It is "transient" and we find it closed and cold despite the huge growth boom. We believe that God called us here, but are tired. As I sat and read just a few of the most recent postings, my eyes filled with tears for the struggles that you, my sisters, are facing. We all face our own set of burdens, but our God is greater than any of these. Please know that you are in my heart and I am lifting the group of ladies who are posting here to our Father. I would highly recommend Stormie Omartian's book "Just enough light for the step I am on" to those searching and struggling. If you are a planter's wife (more specifically a pioneer wife-meaning you start with NOTHING), please let me know. I would like to share ideas and encouragement.

R&R  5/31/2007  We have to be aware that many pastors get the "messiah" complex and think that they have to work and work to save the world. They usually get into ministry because they have low self esteem and constantly need to "help" people so they can feel empowerment for themselves. Not that our husbands are "bad" people but they are not good at " self preservation". We have to constantly remind them about getting rest and not taking on everything. We have to insist on boundaries like not answering the phone during dinner and taking one day off with no interuptions. We have to insist on taking vacations. We have to set boundaries with people in the church and protect our family life. My husband NEVER uses me or our children in a sermon. He never discusses his family in the pulpit and that gives the rest of the church the idea that we are "off limits". It really does work. He tells them upfront - you hire me and not my family. You may say that this sounds easier said than done but why does it have to be? None of us are married to a "Superman" . The world does not stop if our husband does not get involved in everything and sets limitations. People in the church will follow your example. If you do not take care of yourselves and your families - they will not either. I have learned this after being married to a minister for 4 years and we are young. My husband is very respected in his Synod because he takes care of himself and his family. He is not looked at as lazy or apathetic. Our leaders know that it takes self preservation to sustain a lengthy ministry. I'm so glad that this has sunk in and I pray that it sinks in with your husbands as well.

Sherry  6/1/2007  I married a pastor 3.5 years ago and from the start of the marriage his family has been determined to destroy our marriage and they finally succeded on April 25th of this year. We are an interracial couple (he is african american and I am caucasean)I have received nothing but gossip and slander from his family and they have called me racial names on many occasions. My husband was told by his mother that he is to call he by her first name until "you divorce that woman". I found out in 2005 that my husband has a serious addiction to internet pornography and has been using the church office computer while I thought he was in prayer. I have received nothing but verbal and sometimes physical abuse by my husband for the entire 3.5 years. He came to me on April 25th and said that God told him to divorce me because I am a witch working roots in his church. Of course this is not true as I have worked by his side for the duration of the marriage but he said his mother and sister confirmed it and that they have a 100% track record. Furthermore for the entire duration of the marriage I paid most of the bills and I have been out of work for two months due to a herniated disc in my lower back. The moment I needed any fianancial help from him he stated that I was a gold digger and that he would never support me so he kicked me out of our apartment in which I paid the majority of the bills. I am now living in two differant homes belonging to my relatives and I do not know what to make of this. There is much more to tell but I cannot share it on the computer. The last service I attended at our church my husband/pastor said the God told him to get rid of a rotten apple and that a group of people in the church would be tested as to whether they followed that rotten apple. That group of people is my family who has done all of the work in the ministry for the last 3.5 years. I need prayer and I need direction as I do not know where I stand with the Lord now. My husband also stated the the Lord was going to have me shot and killed because I refuse to do what he tells me to do. I have been a faithful wife working in the ministry with him for the last 4 years. I do not understand what is happening to me and sometimes I feel that the Lord hates me. My husband also stated that the Lord allowed me to marry him to receive on last chance at redeemption and that now I am going to hell. All I did was confront about the pornography which has been going on for years. Please help me!

Sunrise  6/1/2007  God Loves You! Romans 10:9, That if thou confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt beieve in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. If you call on Jesus name, you are saved. Also, in John 3:16, For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. Be encouraged, READ the BIBLE! By reading the Bible, staying before God in prayer you will see that God loves you and will never do YOU ANY HARM. Pray for your husband! Pray for your husband! Remember the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Do you know he will even use our Husband/Pastor? Family, Friends, etc. Find comfort in prayer my sister. I love you with the Love of the Lord. Be strong in the Lord.

african pastor's wife  6/4/2007  I am just going thru these entries and they are interesting,no wonder the bible says there is no temptation not common to man....I guess we all face similar though specific challenges in being a pastor's wife.My personal challenge is quitting work and staying at home coz I am expecting our second child and I feel I wanna be around for the growth of our first born is four years old.

Mrs. P  6/11/2007  I have been married to my husband, who pastors three churches currently, for a little over a year. Since we have been married, he has left me and my two children on numerous occasions, citing that he didn't want to be married to me anymore because I don't have it in me to be a "first lady" or "pastor's wife". I continued to pray for him and pray that God would restore our marriage. Each time he came back, I allowed it and we moved on. The last time he left lasted over a month. He was gone from the home but was still preaching and pastoring. He expected me to continue to attend his churches and to help him build his ministry. By this time, I felt as though I had no real natural or spiritual covering and surely could not help him build a ministry when he wasn't helping me build our marriage and home. So I went back to my home church and received the word of God from my pastor. Ever since then, my husband (who I of course let come back home), has been angry with me about the fact that I still attend services at my home church. I support my husband by also attending his services on Sunday and during the week. He recently informed me that he felt that I was going against God's word by not being with him in ministry and because of it, he and I should live seperately while in the same house. He stated that he would not get a divorce because he doesn't want to break God's law and that I don't have a choice in the matter because I can't get a divorce either. He said that if I am not willing to leave my home church completely and sit under his pastorship, that he would consider me as just his wife and not the first lady of any of his churches and that I should not even attend since I (according to him) have no respect for him as a pastor and for his ministries. I guess my question is, how do I live with someone who on one hand professes to be a pastor and on the other hand constantly puts me down, is hardly ever home due to ministerial duties, and who has never been a real husband to me? I am so tired of trying to conform my life to this man's job as a pastor. I feel as though I don't have an identity...

Prayerful  6/12/2007  In reading what you ladies have written in need of prayer, my heart goes out to you. Casey, I'm don't know what decision you have made by now, but I would like to suggest you fast and pray. There are some decisions we need to hear directly from God. Pastor/ministers wives go through in the wings of ministry, but it is up to us to stay strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. Nana I would suggest you try and talk to your husband again and if he can't comply, I believe it's necessary to go to the senior pastor. How can he be effective in ministry if he can't run his household peaceably in love. These pastor's and minister's forget that ministry begins at home and if your home ministry (wife and children) can't be attended to, then the service given to the people is for naught. I am the wife of a prophet. He's been married before to someone who is well known by the church. I have been talked about, lied on and ridiculed by one particular couple, but I refuse to let their faults get in the way of walk with God. Be blessed ladies and be encouraged and let go lead you.

6/13/2007  My husband is a Pastor and he has expressed to me that he struggles with lust, he said in the 20 years of marriage that he has never cheated on me but it sickens me to think that he looks at a woman an lusts over her. I feel if he looks and lust then he's already done it is his heart. It sickens me and he disgust me at times. I feel dirty, I think "is he fantising about someone else when we're together. He said it's a struggles but he ask me to pray for him. We pastor a small church right now and I can't help but wonder is the church not growing could he possibly be the problem.

Still Passionate  6/15/2007  I have a question? Can anybody help me? I've been in the ministry for eight years. My husband and I have always worked together like a team. That is until two years ago when we came to our present church. He is associate paster and it has clearly been stated that they hired him not me. Am I wrong to think that God called me into the ministry just like he did my husband? The Senior pastor shows me no respect. I not content to just stay at home. I have a calling on my life and I fell like I trying to hug a bared-wire fence. Is God molding me, is He punishing me,Will this season pass. I've lost a little respect for my husband in this process. I would never let anyone disrespt him. But he still thinks we should be here. Help. please someone tell me what to do. Stay here and pray I don't get hard and bitter. Or Ask him to leave. I've prayed so long about this and yet I hear nothing?

6/24/07 Perhaps God is looking to use you in other ways. I have found that while God called my husband to service in the church, He is using my position at work to meet many people in the community and be a light in their lives. Look for ways God can use your gifts in His service. However, as you can see from the other writings here, be sure to maintain comunication and a loving relationship with your husband as well!!

stillstanding  7/24/2007  In response to still passionate I want to encourage you to keep passionate about God & His word so that as He speaks to you, you will know what to do...whether it is to be still & stand or to try talking to the pastor. Talk to your husband first & be in agreement together. Stay a team for sure! Our duties may change but being a team shouldn't! Looking forward to hearing a good report! A friend & follower of Christ!

6/18/2007  My husband is in the beginning of training as a Pastor, currently he is a youth pastor and I am beginning to have a lot of pressure on me that I am not prepared for nor do I have someone to talk to that I can trust with my most deepest feelings. Out of the four children we have one has been diagnosed with Autistic Disorder. Currently, my church is preparing to go overseas and I have been trying to give subtle clues to let him know I didn't want him to go. Unfortunately, it took a dramatic turn to the point that our current Pastor decided to preach a message in response to my situation over the pulpit to my surprise and my husbands. Becasue of this I reallllly wanted to leave the ministry and not come back. I feel that my Pastor is very spoiled, stubborned, and wrong for doing what he did. Finally, my husband and I had a very looooooong beneficial talk and I stated to him my concerns and how I felt. He said he understood why I feel the way I feel and that he was sorry it happened that way because He confided in the Pastor not expecting that he would do what he did. To make a long story short, my husband still wants to go overseas, he feel that I should talk to the Pastor about what he did, but I can't I feel betrayed, hurt, and disappointed by the man I thought highly about. There's more to my situation but right now I need to know what to do? A part of me know that this is to come and that I should be ready to have my husband leave for more trips like this (also, this trip will take place over the Thanksgiving Holiday) but, another part of me wants to continue to not support this trip, not because of my husband but because of what my Pastor did. HELP ME PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! I have no one else to talk to and my marriage and church membership is desperately hanging on the line. Help Me

Alyson  7/5/2007  I am responding to most current entry... I hear your heart.. I hear your concerns and I feel your pain... I too, have gone through much hurt in the church... Interestly, the very place where you do get great joy, you also get great pain.... I have to remind myself that there are many hurting people in churches and just because we are there faithfully to serve, we are not immune to being hurt by the parishoners... I want to remind you that first and foremost, GOD is for you... GOD will use every sitiuation, every pain and every disappointment for HIS glory and our good.... It will help you to have someone to talk with... Us Pastors Wives desperately need to talk and encourage one another.. This is what GOD showed me...He told me to REST... Then, HE showed me what REST means... It means this.... R--Release E----Everything S----Simply T----Trust.... That definition of REST has supported through many a bad day... May GOD bless you...

Michelle  6/23/2007  My husband is the pastor of a church of around 2500 in attendance. It is a church that we started a little over 11 years ago. God has certainly blessed us, but the lonliness is overwhelming. Many of the people that we've become close friends with in the church have become part of our staff. Once that happens it is difficult for us to remain close friends - I find that I can't share everything with them because their boss is my husband. The past year has been one wrought with stress - finally moving into a facility that we are purchasing, dealing with financial pressures of continuing to pay for our rented facility while paying for our new facility, staff changes, our kids difficult school year, by husband's gall bladder attacks and emergency surgery, little time off, raising a now 3 year old boy - very driven and focused, and so much more. I know that God is working, but the stresses of this year have overwhelmed me! I take the personal criticism of my husband - who is an amazing speaker and teacher - very personally - (Some people from our church have created a blog spot on the newspaper's website to criticize his deep theological teaching!). I really am finding it difficult to want to go to church because everytime I walk out of an amazing service, I run into someone or some situation where people are gossipping or are complaining and causing dissension. ARe there any pastor's wives of larger churches who can relate or give me some counsel?
Elizabeth  6/24/2007  My husband became a pastor about a year ago. I'm so heartbroken over what some of the pastor's wives go through. Our biggest mission is saving souls. The devil will put anything in your and your husbands way to detour you from your calling. I encourage everyone to study on the Jezebel spirit. I think it will enlighten you on some of the problems churches are dealing with. The best one is "Unmasking the Jezebel Spirit." We need to cover ourselves with prayer at all times. Especially when we are called in the ministry. I hope this helps and I'll be praying for all of you.

Lola  6/25/2007  Question: I work opposite hours of my husband. My children are now grown and I would like to spend more time with my husband. I call him when I am finished at work. I ask him where he is because I hope to be able to see him if he is available. I have talked to him about my feelings. He is angry that I call him and he told me "What I do with my time is none of your business." I think it is my business because we are one in marriage. I am not his possession. I am not a bachlorette. I am hurt and this affects my desire to be involved with church. What can my next step be now?

Alyson  7/5/2007  I am excited about being part of a Pastors Wives support Network...

Kristin  7/6/2007  I've been married for just over a year. First marriage (42 yrs old) I never even thought I'd be married, and here I am married to a Pastor. My husband has been the Pastor at a very small inner city church for 13 years. I first came into our relationship with excitment about being able to partner with him in ministry for The Lord, but over this last year it has been a night mare for the both of us. I have come to find out that I have extreme jealousy and or insecurities. I have been hospitalized twice for mental/emotional break down, and it is affecting my husband and his calling. I never started anything in the church since the marriage, and don't even know what that would be. I find my self being depressed 90% of the time and suicide has been a constant thought too. My background is so rough. I have done so many horrible things and I think shame and condemnation have me in bondage. But I also see struggles in my husbands ministry, and wonder how long God will allow him to preach. He has I think fallen away from being committed and passionate about his people and his studies and I see it or hear it in his messages. I 'm not even getting anything out of them. My heart breaks and I confess my thoughts and fears to God daily. My heart feels so dark and hopless for me, for us and even the minisrty and that scares me half to death. He speaks about going to a new church but I wonder if the people would receive him. We are a mixed couple, I'm white he is black. We rarely pray or read the word together and I just feel like we are in a dark heavy place. I try to stand on God's Word, but I have to admitt it's always been difficult for me to "really" fight the enemy. My past is another thing that brings great fear to moving to another church, if people found out certain things they would, and I know, reject us. I feel like a curse to my husbands life, and I just don't know how to overcome this and stay focused on God, when I don't even know what I'm suposed to be doing. We don't have children and I didn't get married until I was 42, so being a loner, and selfish shows up in many areas of my life. Plus the GREAT lack of confidnece. My motivation in every area of life has diminished greatly, cooking, house work, taking care of myself. I don't feel like I do any of it good enough, and don't feel like I have anything to offer my husband eccept, termoil, and hardship. THanks for listening. Really

CC  7/16/2007  Comments: My husband is currently a youth pastor for almost 2 years. He comes in contact with alot of teenage boys and girls. We have a situation where I believe one of the teenage girls he pastors has develop a crush on him. I know this is common among pastors but this girl has gone overboard. She lied to him about being molested as a child just to get attention from him and also told him that she was promiscuous with some of her older brothers friends. My husband confronted her parents with this news and they said she lied about it to get attention from him. Every time I come around this girl is in his face and once I walked up she was stroking his arm in a certain why while he was on his cell phone. When I asked him about it he said nothing is going on between them and he hasn't given her the indication otherwise. I wanted him to confront her and tell her that her actions were inappropriate but instead he sent her to me so I could tell her. I confronted her and told her that she was behaving inappropriately toward him not only as a married man but a Pastor as well. I am at the point where I really don't want anything to do with this girl because I think she is obessed with my husband. I am upset with my husband because he should have told her that her actions were inappropriate instead of suggesting that I talk to her. He is being totally blind and ignorant in this situation. He knows she has a crush on him but he thinks it is harmless. What should I do? I am at the point where I no longer want anything to do with this girl. I couldn't even bring myself to hug her after service.

kiki  7/16/2007  I am the wife of a pastor. I never wanted to have the position of "pastor's wife". For the past 17 years I have lived the lie of being the happy pastor's wife where all is right and blessings come from above in abundance. No one in our church has seen the real me. I feel like I have lived in a goldfish bowl and, like any wife who goes to her husband's workplace, need to be happy, obedient, and always "putting a good foot forward". The only people I have fellowshipped with are members from the church who know my husband or my husband's family. My mother/father and other family relatives are 3000 miles away. When we fellowship with friends, I feel like I am just an extention. My "fun" usually involves church functions, church members, and church activities. I have had no one to talk to regarding personal issues for all these years. I can't feel the Lord's presence when I go to our church and want to fellowship elsewhere where I can be just me (a sister in Christ). It seems that God has used my husband in so many ministries, but for me I feel like I have been stagnating raising children and staying at home. Pastor's wives, where do you go when you have a marriage/church problem? Where do you go where you can be yourself? How do you vent? I'd appreciate any hearfelt advice.

Blessed PW  7/19/2007  I am a PW and have been for the past 14 years. About 2 years ago God laid it upon my heart to have a fellowship with the PW's of our assoication and union. He told me that we needed to specifically pray for our husbands and the ministries that God has given them and any other specific personal need that they may havve. I put it off and really forgot about it until about 2 months ago, he brought it back to me again. This time I told the Lord that I would be obedient. I sent invitations to the PW's and we met recently. The HOLY SPIRIT met us there and we have a ball in JESUS!!!! Hallelujah. I now know that we needed to meet to bond as sisters. Several PW's didn't even know each other. We sang, laughed, ate breakfast, sang some more, played a game that I created called "Pastor's Wife Bingo", which allowed us to learn a little more about each other and then we each told what we wanted prayer for our husbands was so awesome! We cried, we laughed some more and we really didn't want to leave. We left there with an awesome bond, new friendships and a love for God that was so greatful for him doing this for us! We agreed to meet every other month to bond and pray for our husbands. If any of you out there have PW's in your inner circle that you really don't know try this. SEEK GOD first and ask him what you should do. It worked for us and I'm glad it did. Hallelujah!!!

ex pastors' wife..  7/23/2007  "SIGH".. My husband is an amazing wonderful man.. but he's not walkin the way he wants to.. the way God wants him to... I ask a question he answers or yells depending on the question... sometimes MEAN.. really mean.. doesn't hit physicly but what he says.. (and my reaction) are ugly.. HELP...

Heather  7/24/2007  I too am a pastor's wife. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and in full time ministry for over 10 years. I knew from the beginning that we would be in full time ministry. We attended bible college together. I'm fine with being a pastor's wife, and have dealt with some relatively ugly opinions, comments, actions, etc. from others. But, frankly, I really don't care what anyone else thinks of what I do or don't do. I know I'm right with my God, and I'm right with my husband. My struggle is this though. We did youth ministry for the last 10 years, and all in all had a great time. Our last church though was pretty hard, and it changed my husband (and myself to a lesser degree). The change in my husband is mostly good, some jadedness, but he recognizes that and he's working through it and using it as an educational tool for our next endeavor. We are now in the early stages a planting an emergent church in a very "post-modern" urban city. There is much to be done, and I feel like I don't have it in me to do the work. I have two young, active boys (ages 6 and almost 2). I can't even keep the house cleaned, let alone do any "ministry" work. I really want my kids to know that they are first and foremost, and my husband is actually amazing at doing that (I am very blessed!). But, I feel like like an absolute loser when it comes to being a wife (I don't really look at being a "pastor's wife" as anything different. My husband and I both really do not care what other's think I should be doing, it's not their call, nor is it their business...)But just as being a wife and mother I feel like a loser! I want to support my husband, and I know he knows I'm behing him 100%, but I have no energy left to really do anything. I work at a Starbucks about 15 hours a week (mostly nights and weekends) and I nanny about 15 hours a week in my home. I feel like my 6 year old is just getting left overs, because when my 2 year old is awake, I have to follow him around to keep out of the toilet, from writing on the walls, dumping over plants, climbing EVERYTHING, getting out of the house and running down the street, etc... When I put him down for a nap, I just want to sit for a minute. I let my 6 year old play video games and I will play with him or let him play in my room so I can lay down for 30 minutes. I know I should be engaging him more, doing activties and such. I should be cleaning my house. I should be doing a host of other things, but I am soooo tired. I certainly don't have the energy to be writing support letters, working on our prospectus, and coming up with wonderful plans for an amazing children's or youth ministry. The things my husband really needs, I don't have the energy for. When he's really down and needs to talk, inside I'm screaming, "Please not again! I don't have the energy for this!" I don't say this to him, I listen and I remind him what the Word says and I speak faith and life to him. Not in a fake way, because I really believe what I'm saying, I'm just so tired. I feel like crying a lot, but most of the time I don't, because I just don't have the energy too.

Michelle  9/25/2007  I am so sorry for the way that you are feeling! I know the feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Lynne Hybels talks about that in her book, "Nice Girls Don't Change the World". She says that after 17 years of marriage and ministry she was "exhausted" and she didn't want to get out of bed. She says "I've been working so hard to keep everybody else happy, but I'm so miserable I want to die". She battled depression and went to counseling. One thing that I've realized over the past nearly 17 years of marriage and ministry, is that God put you and your husband together because you complete each other. It is okay for you to have needs and take those needs to him - that is one reason why God gave you him. Right now you need rest and the best thing you can do for your husband and family is to take care of your needs so that you have the strength to help take care of their needs, too. I'll be praying for you!

sure  7/25/2007  Can a pastors wife give him or support others on giving him an appreciation or celebrate his speaking the Word as a Man of God. It's been 16 years and he has never been given an appreciation where they have given gifts or love offerings. I'm his wife and I know he preaches the Word of God and counsels helps people from his pocket, encourages them and I feel we as a body of Christ should honor our pastor, is there any harm in this.

preacher wife  7/26/2007  my husband has been trying to start a church for over 5 years now. at several failed attempts to open church doors every one of those doors have been shut he has been told by 2 pastors one of whom is my spirtual father that he was out of season and to wait on God. well in the process of waiting on God, I asked my husband to make a commitment to join a church so we could grow ourselvels in the ministry my husband agreed to making a commitment but later broke the promiseby saying that God was taking him in a diffrent direction, as he always breaks promises and later blames it on the move of God. my husband says that he is not goning to join a church only to leave in a couple of months. he has tried to start a chuch each year for the past 5 years and each time the doors are always shut because noone shows up and he cant meet the rent of the building each month the only people who show up is his mother and me nobody else i told him that he shold really seek God,s face and pray over it and he comes back every time and says that its his time and hes goning to move forward should i keep supporting him in this issue when i know that he was told to wait on God.

MissHurt  7/29/2007  Okay, my husband has been in the ministry for over 8 years, we both got very hurt at our very first church he pastored for 4 years, I moreso than him of course... but God blessed him with a new church that he has been pastoring for 3 years now. My problem, I just now recently was able to shake off the hurt and pain that I felt towards the other church we pastored and have tried becoming more involved with this church. I've helped with vacation bible school for our youth in the church and community.,I've been attending services instead of attending some, then skipping others., I've been trying to help my husband with new ideas to improve the fellowship in the church but I keep getting turned away and shut down on my ideas, which arent to far fetched mind you... simple things like greeting new visitors with a welcome package that has a card they can fill out with there name and address and follow up with a "thanks for visiting" post card. But anyways, I feel as if someone else had recommended this, my husband and the church would have jumped right on the wagon and did it... I feel left out and not appreciated at all. disrespected to say the least.. I'm not physically well either, I have lupis and sever depression problems that I have to fight on a daily basis. I'm trying my best to overcome these problems, but my husband is not supportative of me at all. But he will open his heart to others with sicknessess with love and prayers. But he pushes me to the side. This hurts me soooo bad. I'm fairly young, I'm 34 and I'm also a P.K (Preacher's Kid) I want to talk to my Mother about how she delt with certain things that maybe I didnt know about as a child, but then I don't want her to look down on my husband. Who can I talk too? I don't want to bring shame on my husband, but he's really not what alot of people think he is.. I don't want to go into detail deeply. But I really feel alone and my walk with the Lord is shattered. Someone, me.

wink  8/2/2007  Ladies, remember going to church when we were younger? I mean before we got married to our preacher/pastor husbands. If we saw a set of preachers and the father was a preacher and the son was a preacher and so on, people thought that was really something. Did anybody think to look over at the wife and the daughter-n-law and read their expressions? I am married to the son of a pastor and it is work. He, like his father doesn't believe in working. They consider pastoring a job. I suppose that would be ok: 1. If the church was paying enough and 2. If he actually had a church to pastor. In today's times, unless one of the spouses is bringing in enough money (rare), it takes two incomes. Well my husband is not pasturing. He does have a job (through a temporary company) but he complains every day and has switched jobs about 4 times since we have been married. He gets depressed and calls me on my job to complain (when he is supposed to be working) throughout the day. We have been married almost 3 years and I have lost 5 cars and two homes. I had 3 cars when we meet and was buying a home (with 3 children from a previous marriage). all gone but one car (I will not let go of this one). Talk about doing bad all by myself!!! He wants things but he is not willing to work for them or work to pay for them when he gets them. I think you can see why this thing is one sided to me. I left my office job to go work in a factory for more money and had to quit because of health problems. I have since then landed an office job making more money and I feel that he is about to quit or get fired again. I am trying to see this fairly but I will not loose another thing. When we got together he had a job so I had no clue ahead of time that he was this way ~ on the other hand, I had two jobs. He doesn't try to get pastoring positions. In our 3 three years, he has tried for two churches and I wrote the résumé's and sent them for him. I have talked to him about returning to school for theology so much that I am just tired of talking about it. HE HAS NO INITIATIVE AND IT MAKES ME MAD!!! My kids can't stand him. He comes home and complains about things needing to be done and we won't do anything himself and then complains that they don't respect him. Children are not stupid they know what we had and what it was like before he came into the picture. I tell him that he must lead by example. A person is more willing to work when the overseer is working just as hard not sitting down drinking a soda looking at them work. He asked me the other day how I felt about him and I let him have it all. He said that he was going to do better but it may be too late. Is a real man too much to ask for? I am thankful that he doesn't beat us or anything like that and I know that it could be worse but I am tired of being the man of the house. I work 9 hours a day, come home cook and clean. He works 8 hours comes home and sits in front of the TV. I feel if we both must work we both must share it all. If there is a decision that must be made, I make it whether it be care repairs or whatever. I'm tired of worrying about bills and everything else. Please pray for our family.

Shelly  8/9/2007  I have a situation in my church where a young couple has lost there 5 week old baby. Both parents are devout christians. The father has been arrested and now released with charges of "homiside with the intent to kill". I don't know what to even say to them or how to minister to them. I'm just trying at this point to follow my husbands lead. He's been very helpful! I just need some advice on what to do for them as their pastor's wife. Any suggestions from anyone would be helpful. Thanks, God Bless!

Corinne  8/9/2007  I was crying in the shower today which is a safe place for me, as i hate crying in front of my boys. I feel a lot of the hurt that other woman on the site have spoken of. Also feelings of hopelensness. When my husband and I are doing what we feel like God has asked of us, and we are loving people with all of our hearts, and putting so much into our church...why does it feel like people are always discontent, prepared to give so little yet demand much, and have so little grace? I find myself struggling to have grace, wanting to retreat, dream of leaving the ministry, and feel like such a failure. I know that my worth is found in Christ's life alone, yet I can't connect that knowledge with my heart. I feel consumed by worry about people leaving the church, what other people will say if people leave the church, if people who have left the church are talking badly about my husband and the church, etc. Does anyone out there live in Northern Indiana and want to meet with a 27 year old mom of toddlers pastors wife struggling and feeling beaten by one situation after another? If so, email me!!!

Mrs. A  8/11/2007  Is there a place where I can obtain free "resources" for Pastor's wives? Not poems, printed studies, etc. but books, cd's and helps and encouragements? I came into ministry 13 years ago, beside my husband, I was patted on the back and given" best wishes". But at many times during those years I have felt unworthy, unprepared, unequipped, discouraged. I know Focus on Family has free resources for Pastor's, BUT although our denomination provides for the Pastor, I, as a Pastor's wife in ministry beside my husband would like to be able to encourage our women. We are on very limited budget, so money is an option..... We have app. 60 minister's wives in our denomination, and usually have 2-4 new ones come in yearly. HELP ME IF YOU CAN!!!!

Newlywed  8/12/2007  I am a newlywed, married to an associate minister. His position in his small church is one that keeps him very busy, in addition to his full time job, and having recently begun taking trade courses. I care for 2 mentally ill family members 24-7. He and I, prior to being married, discussed, prayed, fasted about all aspects of our marriage. I noticed prior to us being married that his church, churhes for long hours. One day we were at church from 12 to 5, this was a afternoon service. This month the church is holding a 31 day revival. I feel obligated to be there every single day, but my body is tired. There have been days where I went tired and the Holy spirir obviously came in and lifted me up and rejuvinated my body. I just want some encouraging words from seasoned-married veterans who have been married to a pastor or associate minister for some time and even if you have just recently married.

Ann  8/12/2007  Wow. I am moved to tears reading your messages. I am a 25-year-old pastor's wife. I went looking for a site where I could find help, and I am overwhelmed by how many of you are feeling the same feelings I am! I must say, I have a wonderful marriage and a great husband I really believe in. I cannot imagine facing a church without that. So for those of you who are struggling in your marriage, you have my deepest sympathies and my prayers. I cannot imagine how difficult the road is that you are walking. As I said, I too went looking for a place where I could find someone to talk to. As so many of you said, who can we go to in the church? I don't feel there is anyone I would trust with my thoughts and feelings but my husband, and he cannot be the one to give me the advice I need. I would love to talk to a veteran pastor's wife who has not only survived these things but THRIVED! Are you out there??? I have taken to avoiding the adults at church (thank goodness for children!) and only talking to people when I have to so no one will take something I say wrong and put me in the frying pan again! I have had people I thought were my friends turn no me, people talk about me and my husband behind our backs (he is a children's minister, by the way). I guess I'm realizing the magnitude of the decision I made to be in ministry. What was I thinking? Why did I think I could do this? I set out to help and encourage people, and I feel like they are fighting me all the way! Fighting me into hiding from them. I hope you all know what I mean. Then again, I hope you DON'T. If anyone has any words of wisdom, please talk to me. Does it get any easier? Does your skin get any thicker? Can you actually look back on your ministry and say you have helped people? I need to know I am doing some good over here!

Cecilia  8/19/2007  My husband is a Pastor and we are starting a new church. Does anyone have any suggestions for me as a Pastor's wife?

Michelle  11/13/2007  My husband and I started a church over 11 years ago. There are a couple of pieces of counsel that I believe are very valuable. The first is - love your husband. I've found that truly loving him means - understanding his personality, temperment and needs, support him publicly and privately, make home a safe place that he wants to come home to. All of these things will look different in each marriage and church because each relationship is different. In our home this has taken a different turn than I expected. I've learned that me stepping out of weekly ministry AT the church allows me to minister TO the church by making my home a safe place for my husband to come so that he can be rejuvenated in order to serve. Another very valuable lesson is you need to serve in areas of the church that you are PASSIONATE about - not just places where there is a need. When you are church planting - EVERY AREA is an area of need. As the body of Christ is developed in your church God will bring the right people to serve in the right areas over time. He wants you to serve WHERE you are happy serving him. Be encouraged - church planting is a long journey - with GREAT twists and turns and rewards! Enjoy the journey and trust God through the winding paths.

Kat  8/29/2007  I've been poring over blogs and websites for days now, looking for someone or something that could be of help to me. So far I've found nothing. My husband is a pastor and I'm ashamed to admit that I really wish he weren't. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of everything being an uphill battle. I'm tired of being misunderstood. I'm tired of my husband, his ministry and our family being taken for granted at best, taken advantage of at worst. I'm tired of just enough to get by is good enough for our family while our congregation is upper middle class. I'm tired of people who don't do what they say, say what they mean, have to have control, have to keep the pastor in his place. I'm tired of the fact that the men who make these decisions are not the ones in the Word and have no vision for God and His kingdom. I'm tired of being bitter and asking for forgiveness from this bitterness. I'm tired of wrestling with my own sin. I can feel the spiritual warfare physically in my body every Sunday as I enter the door of the church. I don't make excuses not to go to church, but I'm glad when I have one. I keep praying - fervently, in fact, memorizing like never before, reading the Scriptures, and I'm still coming up empty. How is that possible? God promises that if we look for Him, he'll be found. Why has it been so long and I'm still so dry? The beginning of our budget year approaches and will this be the 4th or 5th year in a row with no raise? Hopefully it won't at least be a cut in pay like it was the year before! How can we qualify for WIC and they think they've taken care of us?

Listener  9/15/2007  Kat-God does say in His Word that if we seek Him we will find Him...remember when Daniel when he was in the lion's den? He prayed & prayed. The devil is always going to try & block our answers from the Lord. The most important thing in our lives as children of God is to stay close to the Him. It is very easy to allow people that is supposed to be a support in our lives that wind up being a weight, it is very easy to allow them to consume us, our thoughts & attitudes. Just to let you know I know what you are talking about is true...For nearly a year we had leadership(staff) that started a revolt! We don't have big committee boards & stuff to vote people in & out. But we have up until last year had a great staff. Didn't agree with this that & then something else. Then the little group started talking before they left & decided it wasn't enough just for theirselves to leave they kept right on talking drawing more people away. Did it hurt? You know it did! These are people you pour your lives are there when they get saved, married, bury family members. You are there to support them when they fall. Only to be rewarded with a discord knife in your back. Kat, I had reached a point of if either it is them or me! They cannot stay stirring up strife. I have always been a quiet person but God has done a lot of work in me. I believe God's Word for what it says, nothing more, nothing less. God says not to touch His annointed or do His prophets no harm. I have had to pray pray & pray! I still think the effects of these few still ahve somewhat of an effect because so many people are connected to them somehow. I know that no matter what we have to stay focused on God! He said His grace is sufficent...let His grace be you & your family's covering! Believe me to look back & remember all the time I have spent ministering to these people...time away from my children. My children used to look up to them. Just know that there is a price to pay for sin. I will be praying for you & your family. Kat, just remember that God called all of it is not your husbands's both of yours...because he needs you.

Tracy  10/9/2007  I can relate to the what you are feeling. It seems sometimes that being in the ministry brings us and our families lower and lower while the church and the members at the same time are thriving. God promises in His Word that he will take care of our needs. It may be that the time has come for you and your husband to move on. When the people of the church stop following the Pastor, it is time to go. He can no longer do any good there. It seems that since they are not providing for your family the way they should, it just may be time to go. My husband and I will pray for you and your husband as well as your congregation. That God will work you through this situation and open their hearts to his will.

Kat  11/27/2007  To Listener - who so kindly replied to me and my message on 8/19/07. It's been quite a while since I've read the message board, so I hadn't seen your reply to me yet. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It's apparent that so many of us have no one else to talk to, bounce ideas off of, and I appreciate your taking the time. At this point, things at church are no more resolved than they were when I posted last, but I can at least say that I see a light at the end of this dry tunnel. Even with nothing changing (getting worse, actually) the light has been that God is there. Period. And if that's the only reason I've been so dry in spite of searching through prayer and Scriptures, then so be it. You are so right - the ones we let the closest are inevitably the ones who hurt us. It makes my heart so sad - for us personally as PW's, but for the church as a whole. Is this all there is? The other conclusion I've come to is that things happen for one of two reasons: God willed it or someone (possible even myself!) is being disobedient. The only part of that I can control is if I'm being disobedient. I can't control God and I can't control other's disobedience. I agree also that their disobedience will someday be known, darkness will be made light, and it's God's job to deal with it. That being said, I still fight daydreaming about what I'd like to say..... :) If you really did pray for me, you have no idea how much that means to me. Keep praying! My husband is exploring opportunities elsewhere and could use as much prayer for wisdom as we can get! By the way - how do you respond to someone personally on this board? Is it possible to reply to an individual email address?

Jennie Lee  9/15/2007  I sat down yesterday and wrote a very long entry about how I am feeling but erased it and never sent it. Honestly, in light of all the suffering in the world, and our call to be Christ to the hurting, it seems so shallow to be having this personal struggle. I am hesitant to say much since the words still don't speak my heart. I just ask one question? Why does being a Pastor's wife mean that you will never be allowed to be included in the general population that is allowed to make a career of Worship Leading or Youth Ministry, or anything you may feel called to within the church? After leaving a career dream behind to serve God for 20 years on a voluntary basis (which has always been fine), I am left with a resume' filled with ministry achievements and no marketable skills out in the working world. All I read, and I am told, is that Pastor's wives are not hireable within the church. We are expected to do what we do for free. That means, we are only allowed to give our leftover time, after husband, kids, and full-time jobs, to the ministry. My husband is a new Pastor, and very gifted. I am so excited about his future. But this reality about mu future involvement has slapped both of us in the face rather strongly. We have always worked together in ministry, and I have worked part-time making decent money doing very strenous physical work to make myself more available for ministry. Now that he is a Pastor, my need to work full-time has become a necessity and I cannot physically handle the strenuous work anymore. We both always hoped that one day I would step into leading worship arts when he became a pastor. Now we realize that Pastor's wives are not allowed to be called of God to use their gifts unless it is on a voluntary basis, you know the "free bonus", or "two for one" deal. Letting go of the dream of working closely with my husband in ministry is very painful. I'm sure God has His purpose in all this, but I am at a very low place right now. I continue to serve because it is my offering to God, but I am not able to use my creative gifts like I have in the past because of time restraints. I quietly watch as others do what I am gifted to do. I feel very outside the loop. I have been de-humanized by the position the church holds regarding my contributions and feel my passion for ministry is dying. I found a decent, non-strenuous job. And I am actually enjoying my new full-time job, but feel my creative gifts slowly fading away. In a perfect world, Pastor's wives wouldn't have to work and would be able to pour themselves into ministry to support their husbands and be the helpmate God intended them to be not just personally, but in HIS work. But the church expects us to still pour ourselves out freely along with all our other responsibilities while we sit friendless because of our position with no one to talk to or even care. This can't be right. Can it? So there, wasn't that a short one question? Well, actually I think I asked three. As I sit here, I am fighting the urge to erase what I have written because, once again, my struggles seem so unimportant in the larger scheme of things. Maybe someone out there can knock some sense into my head and heart and help me understand where I am off. I am spending alot more time with God, and He is working on me. But I am so tired of hurting at the hands of the body I am called to minister to. OOO, that sounds kind of like Jesus doesn't it? Is there anyone out there who has struggled with this or am I the only one? O.K. now it's five questions, sorry.

agnostic wife  9/15/2007  Hi everyone. I've been reading through many of your comments and while I can say that I relate to much of what everyone is saying, my predicament is a little different. My husband is in his second year of seminary, on his way to being ordained and starting pastoral work. In the years that we've known each other, he has gone back and forth between pursuing a career in the clergy, and looking at careers in other directions. I never intended to be a pastor's wife, because I personally hold NO RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. I've had a very difficult time finding anyone else in this situation to talk to. My husband now has an internship at a church and is expected to be there on Sunday mornings, one other afternoon, and at least two evenings a week. This is in addition to a full class schedule, including a night class, and a part-time work study job, on another evening every week. As for me, I work full-time as a social worker and am exhausted at the end of the day, and my husband is gone at least four evenings a week. Last but not least, we have a baby and a toddler to care for in the meantime. I'm torn between wanting to support my husband by participating in worship, etc., and hardly being able to drag myself across town, two kids in tow, for church on Sunday, especially when I feel no personal benefit from doing so. As hard as things are now, I can only imagine they will become more difficult when my husband finishes school and is a pastor at his own church. So here's the question: Is there any way for this to work? How can I balance support for my husband with my own personal needs? Does anyone know of a clergy couple in which the spouse was not active in the church? I need practical advice. Please do not tell me to pray for an answer. I will appreciate any feedback this group can give me.

pastors wife in PA  10/14/2007  I feel for the situation you are in and your wanting to support your husband. However, I must be honest with you and tell you from one who has been a pastor's wife for 10 years that I have serious misgivings about your husband's ministry being able to work when you two are not on the same page spiritually. Many times, I have had people in our church, both men and women, seek me out for spiritual counsel. These people were hungry for help and spiritual guidance. If I had to turn them away or tell them I had no religious beliefs (which is not the case by the way), it would have devastated them. Like it or not, there are expectations that the pastor AND his wife will be spiritually mature--which is also supported by Scripture. I strongly encourage you and your husband to talk about this openly and possibly seek counseling with an understanding pastoral counselor (this is a special counselor who has accreditation in counseling as well as having ministerial training). The ministry is a demanding vocation for both the pastor and the spouse. It is unlike other careers where spouses may not be expected to be that involved with each other's work.Please do not think that you can ignore this situation and that it will work out all right. Many times I am the only person my husband can turn to. If we were divided in our beliefs, it would be an impossible situation for both of us. We both find great strength in praying together and supporting each other spiritually. If you cannot honestly provide this for your spouse, I do not see how he will last in the ministry very long. You will come at situations from a different world view and he will be coming at them from a biblical world view. I can almost guarantee you that this will cause you much conflict. I know you did not want to be told to pray about this, but I will pray for you as I can sense the struggle you are feeling.

LADY 29  9/23/2007  HELLO LADIES! I have been married to my husband for 9yrs he has been Pastoring for 6 yrs and man this Pastor wife thing has really taken a toll on me. In this christian relationship a lot of disappointment has taken place. My husband had and affair with one of the members in our church as a matter of fact the girl lived with us for a while. NOt only that I've heard that he was sleeping around with other women in the church as well as other women in different ministries. Right now for the past 7yrs we have beeen at getting a divorce but for some reason that's hasn't happened yet. Things are still not good between us. The Lord has placed a call on my life as well but yet and still I feel like giving up. So ladies please pray for me you know sometimes you feel like you are in this all by yourself but it's a ggod thing to know that I'm Not the only one that's going through these hard times in my christian marriage

Susie  9/23/2007  I just because a pastor's wife two weeks ago. Our church installed my husband and another man as pastors because they were already doing the job. The pastorial team is great. Relationships are extremely important to me. Since becoming pastor's wife my spiritual mom/mentor of 7 years quit on me. Her only explaination was that she just didn't feel it was God anymore. She attends our church. She was the former pastor's wife from three pastors ago. We have spent some time together, but it's not the same. When she was my mentor I felt like I could pour out my heart to her, now because she just a "friend" I don't feel that liberty. Last week she told me that pastor's wives can't have close friends in the congregation. I about fell over...isn't that what ministry is all about...relationship? I focus on treating everyone like I would my best friend. In other words if I would do it for my best friend I would do it for anyone. I am not a one best friend type of person. In fact I have had serveral. I have a deep need for good friends, and deep conversation. How in the world do I balance this all out? Is it try I can't be close to people just because I am pastor's wife? My stomach is in knots over this. I am hurting over my mentor. Does anyone have anything they can offer for insight and advice?

COACH  10/1/2007  oh so sad but it seems to be true that you cannot have good friends in the congregation. I have been told this as well by my pastor and his wife. My husband is the youth/music pastor at our church. The people who are your closest friends will be the ones most likely to hurt you later. This is what I was told and it has held up to be true in my situation. You know what I wish will all my heart it was not true. I pray everyday for one great friend to just fall into my lap who goes to another church in my city. It has been a year and three months and this prayer has not yet been answered. And that is okay. God is just trying us to grow us closer to Him. Yes this hurts will all your heart I know. That is why us pastor's wifes need to stick one another...pray for one another....It seems like we as pastor's wives are so shut down to letting others in because we are so busy. Lets not do this to one real...and lets really get to know one another or what good is this website other than to vent. My phone is always open.....

Someone Cares  10/4/2007  I've often heard the phrase "Pastor's wives/minister's wives can't have close friends in the church". I disagree with that. I do feel that you have to be careful in who you are close to. We sometimes look at who does the most for the pastor and wife and assume those are the people who love us the most and are our friends. Not always true. I think wives are lonely because we don't realize it sometimes, but we do change and expect others to fill voids in our lives that they cannot fill. Our focus should be on God first, our husbands and family second and then church. We have to watch and pray. Don't sacrifice our family for the sake of ministry. We also have to pray without ceasing for our husbands. There are so many distractions and temptations and we have to constantly pray for them and be careful not to nag them. I'm a witness that once I put my focus on God and my role as a wife, things became so much easier. Even when husbands step out of line with the will of God, it is our responsibility to pray and not try to fix them. That's God's job. When these issues arise we also have to acknowledge that there is a problem. So many wives will go years defending their husbands because we feel we have to cover for them. This does not work. Eventually it will come out. Turn them over to God and step out of the way and concentrate on our comittment to God as a wife and a helper. Once we step out of the way, by submitting, God will work on them. Beware that this will not be an easy walk. God knows what it takes to correct and put our husbands back in line. We have to stand strong, watch and pray. Don't get caught up in our own emotions. Don't just sit and be depressed and not do anything. Faith without work is dead. It's time to get back to the basics. It's time to seek God and put on our big girl pants and take back what the enemy is trying to take. I come against that depression spirit and pray that God will turn it into energy to get up and take a stand for what's right. Pastor's comitting adultry is widespread these days, but wives, that does not mean we have to just accept that. God gives us power and we have to use it. Acknowledge it and stop ignoring it and pray and work on being a better you and let God handle our husbands. Blessings to all of the Pastors/Ministers Wives today. I pray that you be Blessed and in Great Health today. Be Blessed.

Tracy  10/9/2007  It is true that you cannot have a close friend in the congregation. As sad as it sounds, it is only to protect you. Pastors and their families are put under the magnifying glass. People think that because you are who you are that you are not subject to the fleshly desires and sins of this corrupt flesh. The Bible says that ALL fall short of the glory of God, but some read that as 'All fall short except for the Pastor and his family'. As sad as it is, it will always be. I have been a Pastor's wife for 15 years. There have been times where my heart has been ripped out of my chest by the very people we love and serve in our congregation. There have been times I wanted nothing more than to pour my heart out to a close friend or anybody for that matter. You cannot tell your family, your husband, anyone except for God. He is the only one you can tell without being judged, without spreading gossip, without hurting someone's reputation. It is a hard responsibility with long hours, no pay, no apologies and no best friends. You will make mistakes...your husband will make mistakes...people in your congregation will too. Be forgiving, open, loving and kind. God will be there when you feel there is no-one else.

praying 4 you   10/23/2007  I totally agree with (some one who cares). She is right, if we really belive God is in control then let him be in control. We have to let him deal with his servants whether it is our husbands, ourselves or someone in the congregation. I belive the reason every thing is so crazy in the body of christ is because we have not done what God has told us to do. IF MY PEOPLE WHO ARE CALLED BY MY NAME WOULD HUMBLE THEMSELVES AND PRAY, AND SEEK MY FACE, AND TURN FROM THEIR WICKED WAYS; THEN WILL I HEAR FROM HEAVEN,AND WILL FORGIVE THEIR SIN, AND HEAL THEIR LAND. 1 Chronicles 7:14. We as a people don't want to admit that our sin is that we each want to play God in own lives as well as others. We hate to lose our rights and we want to protect ourselves even though we can't we try but it is impossible in this life not to get hurt or be offended. That's whether your saved or not! As christian we have Jesus who is going to take that which has been evil toward us and make it wort h our while. You have to stay with that or you will be stumble all the way through this race we call life. Do it the way Jesus taught us to, and it will be less of a burden. He said it would be light, not that it would not be there. (smile). Stay focused, keep your head up your redemption is near. Pray for yourselves and others, as we all go through various trials. Love to you all, your Sister in Faith. (praying-4-you.

Ann  9/26/2007  What a blessing this site is, I was overwhelmed and moved to tears, when I read the posts on this site, I'm not alone many of you have the same feeling and thoughts and issues that I have. Let's all keep praying for each other every day. God bless us all, our families and churches ...

Lisa  10/1/2007  Prayer, please. My home church is going through a very difficult time. Quite honestly, it has been in a difficult time for many years. I grew up in this church, have seen its doings, and have not seen a growth of spiritual maturity over the years. I have only not been in this church for 8 years of my life. We came to this church as Pastor and wife about 8 years ago, fully expecting to nurture and help this body to grow in the Word of God. We began to form a team of members, starting with the present deacons, to form a vision statement for the church. We formed bonds of friendship while we went through this process. When we came back to the church, however, pressure from a "group" in the congregation began. Just so you know, our vision included small groups, a blended worship service, powerpoint/screen, a keyboard, etc. Not so unusual for churches to do these things in their services. The "group" began to call on all members, especially those who were still members but not attending, to vote down the vision statement. It did pass, but only by a few votes. Now we have a split church. We decided to go forward with it but slowly and teaching and praying along the way. That was three years ago. Today, if we were to take away the power point, they would hate it. We have about 65 people attending our small groups now during the week, (we used to have a Wed. night service before, with only 15 attending) While all that is good we still have trouble because during that time the "group" sent around false statements and slanderous things about my husband and the deacons. Now we have on top of that a new/old issue in our church. The KJV only debate! My husband uses NIV when he preaches, and we are not a KJV only church. However, it has hurt our church family as well as split them down the middle again. While we knew this was a deep-seated issue in certain families, we did not expect it to escalate into such a huge division in our church. Last night the deacons came to a decision. They voted to get all the KJV only pamphlets that a member has been handing out. That was a praise. However they are also calling for a vote to "retain" or "dismiss" my husband as senior pastor. Our children, who know what is going on, are really hurt deeply. They are 7,8,and 10. I am really ashamed to be putting this on the internet, but I need advice or encouragement from someone who has been there. Should we go through this "vote" or should we just bail out for the sake of our children and any young believers seeing this happen. I honestly don't know what to feel, (I feel like I'm in shock) I don't know how to react to those who are doing this in our church. I'm very hurt and I guess mad. I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't cry. We have been encouraged by many to stick it through, and every time we go to the Word of God, it tells us to persevere. But to what end?? Even if they retain us, how do we heal from that point, when the "group" will still be there? I'm sorry I'm babbling, I just need someone to hear me.

Jess  10/1/2007  Hellow ladies, I have been a Pastor's wife for just a year and a half. He is a bi-vocational pastor and has made sure that he has time for me and our two boys as well as all the other responsibilities that come along with being a pastor. As I read through the posts though I started to cry and I asked him what he thought we would be like in ten years from now. Really everything isn't perfect right now, we have our ups and downs, but I don't want to be lonely. He is my best friend, I have a friend that pastor's wife that I talk to weekly, she is some-one that I can confide in, but only to a point. I can talk to my husband about everything though. I don't ever want to feel like I can't, I don't want to loose what we have. After reading this, it makes me fear that we will later down the road. Should I be in fear of that? Or Should I stand strong, pray harder, hold on to what we have? Communication is key, we learned that from the beginning.

Dawn  10/3/2007  I am so discouraged....I know I know who reading this is not at one time or another!!!! I just need some scripture to bathe myself in right now. I feel that every time I turn around my husband is mad or we are disagreeing EVERY DAY. Please help me to know how to approach this and nip it in the bud. We are starting a new church and there are pressures but last time I checked I was not the enemy. Thanks

Anjo  10/9/2007  I'm feeling lonely a lot, too. I come from a close knit family, but they live 4 hours away. I'm the only one not living in my hometown. I have several casual friends at church, and I feel it's my job to be concerned about each one. But that's not the same as a real friend who knows you and loves you. I have a few nice pals at the day care where I work. One is a pastor's daughter. She's understanding, but she doesn't seem to know how badly I need a true blue friend. Her life is full. My best friend from college lives across town, but she doesn't care enough to keep in touch. Her life is plenty full without me too. I love my pastor husband, but he's a workaholic. The kids are always plugged into some form of entertainment. I would like to feel important to somebody, and to have someone to lean on.

Harmony  11/19/2007  This is my first time on this message board. I find it very interesting. I can really relate to anjo's situation. I to am the only one from my family that has moved away from my hometown, and we are extremely close knit. I now live about 11 hours away:(. I miss them a lot, but I am also so thankful for the husband, and ministry the Lord has allowed me to be a part of. Friends, that's a tough subject. It's difficult being a new pastor's wife and figuring how close you can be with other women in the congregation. Sometimes when I need to vent I call my sister-in-law, let her know that I need to vent, then tell her everything that has been bothering me. I never give her names, but I let her know my feelings about different situations that may be bothering me. As I vent, I start feeling better and after a little while become more logical in my thinking. My sister-in-law just listens and is there for me, hardly ever giving me advice, just allowing me to let things go. I feel so much better after a long talk and rejuvenated. I know it's probably weird, but as I vent I start thinking about how good God has been to me and how I just need to trust Him in all my problems.

Sam  10/10/2007  I am feeling very confused now after a disagreement with my husband. I have been trying for years to get my husband to read the bible and pray with me on a regular basis to no avail. I am vewry supportive in our ministry, or at least I thought I was until tonight when my husband told me we need to talk because maybe we are not "on the same page" when it come to our ministry. Our home is always open and is visited quite often by church and community members, to which I usually don't have a problem. This year my husband got involved in a community jr. high youth ministry which I support as much as I can in addition to working at AWANA at our own church while taking care of our 19 month old and a friends one year old. Right after school on Wed. nights and before youth group our middle daughter has 2 friends come to our house ( an arrangement my husband made) and I feed all the kids, I have 3 , plus the 2 and usually 1 or two more. The 2 regular girls are not Christians and and are what I feel disrespectful to me and are also influencing my daughter in a negative way. I know that it is our responsibility as Christians to show these girls the love of Christ in our home, but I am having a hard time doing so week after week. My husband has also made me feel like I am wrong and questions where my heart is. I am very hurt by this. He is a smart man and knows how to get "his" point across. I am at the point that I feel I have no one to turn to. My family all live 1,500 miles away and are not Christians and my mom who was the only one I could talk to passed away a few years ago. I just need some advice and if I am wrong I am willing to admit it, but I just need some one who is outside of the situation to listen. Please do not reply to my email address as we share this as a family. I will read the message board. Thank you and bless you.

Heidi  10/13/2007  I'm drowning in my current church situation. Church used to be my sanctuary, a place where I felt safe and where I could feel God's presence and unconditional love. Since becoming a pastor's wife, that place has been robbed from me, ripped out of my hands and has been replaced with a community of sarcasm, negativity, and apathy. I'm so sad to be a part of a community where people only talk to you if they have a complaint or an adjenda. The worst thing is that my husband is doing a good job and is appreciated. I don't want to be the one to bring him down, but I'm just so depressed in this situation. I've had a lot of life's stresses in the past couple of years. My mother fell asleep at the wheel and a family member died as a result, and it's just been so hard to try to help out my own family when I have a demanding community who is not willing to lend a hand since we are, in fact, employees and should be devoting our time to others, not our own family. : ( This seems so wrong. People don't even ask how I'm doing or anything and I just have so much stress and sadness in my life at the moment. My identity is being suffocated and I don't even know who I am anymore. I just wish I could be perfect and be the perfect leader in God's community. Unfortunately I am broken, but thankfully I am still learning. Please pray for me. I need strength, I need encouragement, I need to surround myself with positive people.

Linda  10/25/2007  I know exactly where you are at because I am in the same place. My husband has been a Methodist pastor for over 25 years and we are not too far from retirement but not close enough to consider it for about five more years. I, too, have had two years that have been horrendous in my life with the suicide of my brother and the death of our father this past summer, children moving here for support and away again after only a year, the church deciding that some are tired of my husband after 13 years of ministry here but not willing to do anything to improve the church for fear they might lose the control they have. To complicate matters, I have an excellent job with lots of security, we have a wonderful home we bought and we don't know where we will end up next but we have decided we need to stay within commuting distance from here.... Tonight is the vote meeting and I am so afraid it will devastate my husband even though he says he doesn't care any more. We are very different people and I was ready to move on last year but he is still hopeful it may pull out. You are in my prayers and thoughts as we all seem to struggle with the same things. I am glad I found this site. When I hear that people have been in ministry for a year or so I am glad we are so close to retirement because I am truly looking forward to choosing where to worship. I know in my head that my husband's ministry has been fruitful and pleasing to God and he has many souls to show for it but the church can be so brutal. I work in education and I am always ashamed that we in the church do not have the professional courtesy that business has... The District Superintendent seems to be oblivious of our suffering as families or just powerless to change anything. Just thankful I can vent somewhere. To top it off we have a retired pastor and wife in the congregation who are caught in the middle right now and we cannot rely on them for any support.

Vivian  10/15/2007  I am a PW for 7yrs. My husband was a senior pastor. Recently, the Lord is called us to another church where he will not be the senior. There are 3 main female pastors. He will be not so call a pastor but a FULL TIME STAFF. The reason we agree with this calling is because the Lord want him to be mentoring in some specific area. However, he find out there is no growth space for him at all because the female pastor is not given him any chance of growing but require him or expecting him to do the job well. If not she will take away all the job from him. This mentoring relationship is hurting him so much and making him just want to out of the ministry. I as a PW for my past 7 years. This female pastor asking me to serve more in every ministries but not my husband. Her decision making is based on our spiritual gift. This church has around 1000 active members. Senior pastor said she cannot wait for his practicing/growing and letting church members leaving church. My husband and I suddently facing a change in our ministries. He became more like PW. I am kind of lost and not knowing how to react. About the spiritual gift, I am so gifted in everything. My husband seems not even had any one very strong because this church is so big, many gifted person so the senior pastor has many choices to use different ministers. What should I think, how should I balance and my heart so confused. Can anyone give me any thought about this situation.

dorothy  10/15/2007  I need some advice please. I just recently became engaged to a Methodist pastor and we are having some conflict over the date. In June of next year, he will be transferred to a new church. He would like to get married in June before he starts his new charge. I am having problems finding vendors and places that are still available in June. I would like to get married in September. He thinks that the members of his new church will be upset if we don't get married in the new church. Remember, he will have just moved there 3 months ago. What does anyone out there think? I need help!

Jsbaber  11/1/2007  First of all congratulations! I know your day will be wonderful and special! I have been a pastor's wife for a short time - 2 years in December. One thing I have learned over the last couple of can't worry about what people will think and you can't be a people pleaser. Yes, be there for them, love them, support them, encourage them, be there for them, but...don't forget about yourself!!! Do you have your heart set on a 'church' wedding and ceremony? What is it you would like to do? Have you thought about doing an outdoor wedding? This would solve the problem of using the church your husband-to-be would be transfered to...and even maybe the June wedding...? Remember, this is your and your husbands day, do what would mean the most to you. Don't let other peoples ideas or feelings get in the way of what you and your husband-to-be would like. When there is a conflict between the two of you, pray about it. Maybe not together, but you come to our Father in prayer, seeking His will for your life and your wedding day. He has only your best interest in mind and will NOT disapoint you! I hope this has been helpful! May God bless your life today, and your future!

Grace  10/16/2007  This website is so powerful. I couldn't stop reading in the first time I visited. I am a pastor wife for almost 8 years by now. So many heart to heart feeling I have no chance to share with anyone. But this website day by day different voices showing part of my heart contains. I am enjoying reading and the Lord keep healing me when I am listening to everybody similar to my situation. I know I am not alone and the Lord must knows my situation as well. He still keep silent but I sense that how much He loves all of us. We are a group of people in His heart representing an area of loneliness. Reflecting part of His heart. Pastor wife: God is listening to us just like we are listening to many of us. I told the Lord that I am lost as a pastor wife. I am in the middle of Christianity practices but I always feel powerless. He calls me into this place for humbleness and repenting. I praise Him for giving me this chance to intercessory for woman who is the image of God. I need this website support I need to hear that I am not by myself but there are whole team crying and praying to be release. I believe one day when we see Jesus, He will tell us more. I love you - all of my Body.

Lonely but not forsaken  10/19/2007  God is so precious. He knows what we need, and he provides not only the needs, but our hearts desires. I have been living in a nightmare for about 4 years. When my husband received the call to preach, we were involved in every area of our local church. My husband had not been a Christian his whole life. He had lived the wild life of an army man. We had been High School sweethearts, and when we got married, we had a hard road to travel. I got saved when I was little, but had never had the help to grow in knowledge. I knew it was wrong to be unequally yoked, but as a young girl who faced a life without a lot of love, I was drawn to my husband. After 4 years of enduring the military life, we came home, joined the local church, and PRAISE GOD my husband received God. But be careful what you pray for. My husband became a man on a mission. He grew in knowledge and all of his time started went to ministry. He became a outreach minister, and between the time he put into it and his normal full time job, our marriage started taking the hit. Then we left to start a church. The people we had known and been friends with for 15 years, suddenly ( And I Mean Overnight) treated us as mortal enemies. Why would we leave their perfect church to start a new church. They did not see God's kingdom growing, just competition. And they hated us. They slandered our name. They shunned any contact with us. We heard and saw things that left us dumbfounded. During this time, as we were starting to build a new ministry, I was starting my own fight with an illness that is invisible, Fibromyalgia. As my husband was involved up to his neck, as a full time pastor, with a full time job,and remodeling a building for the church, and dealing with people who just wanted one big fellowship party...I was being attacked physically with something no one could see. Of course people started to think, "she is just wanting attention, or she is depressed. It is all in her head. She needs to be supportive to her husband's ministry." I tried to keep up. I was teaching kids, a woman's group, doing bulletins, singing, counseling with my husband, even trying to help remodel in whatever capacity that I could. All while I went from Dr. to Dr. and feeling insane because they would say," We think there is a problem, but this test is normal and that test is normal." Finally I was diagnosed, but people still treat me like it is in my head. I fight fatigue and pain every single day. On top of everything else...yes, there is husband felt led by God to confess that he had committed adultly before he was saved. My world was falling apart. We also had some needy woman, not single, but whose husbands were unavailable, crying on my husbands shoulder and trying to have him fix their problems and their husbands. I write all of this to say that GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL. My husband and I have created boundaries. He does not council woman unless I am there. No phone calls, no emails sent without my knowledge. He has even had to set a few women straight on what he will and will not do for them. We have had to grow as a team, with our marriage in its rightful place. He has told the church what lines not to cross and to leave me alone. I am one with him and they can not take the pastor for their own use and cut me off. That is how Satan tears our pastors apart. If you can get their wives, you get them. We are still facing problems on a daily basis. People attack us, are lazy, we have problems having enough people to work for his kingdom. They use every excuse to be gone or do something to entertain themselves. The "Core" families are a click that is threatened by new families, and we are struggling to get them to grow in Knowledge and Grace. BUT IT IS GOD'S ISSUE TO DEAL WITH! We are called to be faithful and fight the good fight. Our marriage has grown closer through the valleys and trials. Do Not Grow Weary In Doing Good! We have to keep doing what we know God wants US to do no matter if the congregation stops, our husbands stop, or our friends stop. We are accountable for our walk. Let God be faithful in the rest. He knows what you need, lift your hearts up in prayer. He knows what we desire. He does the disciplining and deals with others unfaithfulness. He protects us from our enemies. I wish I could gather with you all in my living room over coffee,tea, and something chocolate to have a good cry and pray together. I pray God will lead me to someone who shares my struggles face to face. But for now, I have found this site and I am blessed!

PW in PA  10/24/2007  I can honestly say this site for PW's has been one of the best things that I've happened upon in 26 years of ministry. My husband and I have been married for 26 years, he was an Assistant Pastor when we started dating. I was so in love with him that I never stopped to consider what life as a Pastor's Wife would be like. Now, many years later I can tell you that we've been through hell and high water, but God has been faithful through it all! We've pioneered a church, both worked for a non-profit ministry and are now pastoring a small country church. The first year at this church seemed good but then the "honeymoon" ended. We dealt with infidelity on the worship team, a deacon who didn't believe in God, closing down a preschool that met in our church, a church secretary who tried to "dig up dirt" on us (we have no clue what she thought she'd find!), a church board that was trying everything in their power to get us to leave, and someone in the church spreading untrue rumors about our oldest son,just to mention a few things. My husband is a very strong leader for which I'm grateful but the fact that we made it through all of this can only be a testament of God's grace and keeping power. I've worked fulltime since I can remember to help with our finances and I've just come through a very difficult time of feeling very depressed and overwhelmed. I think I've caught my "second wind" again and once again God has been faithful. The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is that our oldest son (we have two boys, ages 24 and 15), has not been to church in about two years. He used to play guitar on our worship team but I think in the last few years he was doing it just to please us. I know he's saved and loves the Lord but he has been burned badly with some "church issues" and is very cynical. Our youngest son seems to be doing well. God has truly blessed us with two very intelligent, handsome and wonderful sons! Anyone have any words of wisdom or advice? Thanks for listening!

10/24/2007  Its long, but someone please read this...I am a 27 year old associate pastors wife. We are ministring in New England, and have been at this church 3 years this November. November 16th of last year I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Since we two have become 3, it seems that we are expected to do anything BUT be a family. I am so stressed out tonight that I actually broke into hives. Its Wednesday night and my husband is at church and I am home crying my eyes out, my little one finally in bed after another crazy week. I have been in ministry almost 7 years. The only time I have not been full time is for 3 years when we were first married and I had to work fulltime for the health insurance. I have sacrificed and bent over backwards to be in ministry, to help, be there, pray, support. I have exhausted myself and poured out. I cant picture any other life. Until my son was born. When my son was my focus shifted. I am not wanting to give up my ministry. But I come from a long line of ministers. My mom was a Pastors kid, all my cousins are PK's and ALL of them bitter against ministry. They are broken hurting people. My two uncles were both Pastors, one of them of a church of 3,000 and both of them were dismissed from ministy because of moral failures. That will NOT be my family. I watched them all sacrifice until they bled. They lived at the church. They just came home to sleep. It was God first, church next, family where we can fit it. I know so many pastors, I have been in it since I was a child. All of the families hurting and bitter at ministry because of how much they pour out and no one says thank you. I have so many friends that are PK's and all of them want NOTHING to do with ministry. Its not that I want to not ever be involed. I am not looking at my son as an excuse. Which is what my senior pastors wife is thinking I am. But my view point is this, I want a home that is a haven. My goals are that my husband can go out in the "field" and pour out and come home and be filled up. I bust my butt to make sure that when he walks in the door, the house is clean, I am dressed and have make up on, his son is happy and dinner is on the table. He loves coming home. On our days off, when his friends ask him to do something else, he refuses, he wants to be home. Its his haven. And he tells me everyday how grateful he is for that. I feel that is my ministry right now. I want my child to be on a schedule to be well rested, able to learn and be happy and healthy. He is not even a year yet and still needs his naps, needs his schedule and needs a mommy that has time for him. I am not saying I can never sacrifice, but I think its unreasonable to think that I will be at every womens ministry function, every decorating commity, every special event, every night no matter what my son is going through, teething and all, through sickness and in health, come hell or high water, when the doors are open, he is there. I feel its not healthy. My husband fights for me, he loves the fact I am a great mommy and loves what I do and knows the sacrifices I have made and still make. He is so supportive. But how do I deal with the Pastors wife? She has had moments of not even talking to me. Such as me refusing to go to Wednesday night service for the first 4 months because my son had horrible colic. She wanted me to bring my SCREAMING infant to church and sit in the nursery with him and also be on call to cover missionettes classes with my colic baby. I look around at ministers, my family and my friends who are in or were in ministry, and I see so much hurt. In our district, a youth pastor of 20 years was just was dimissed a month ago for a moral failure. He ran off with the youth leader. Is this what we are expected to live with? Give till it hurts and play russian rulette with how long it will be till its our family that is broken and in couciling? Is it just a mere coincidence that PK's are known as the worst kids? Is this the example we are to lead other families in? I feel so strongly that WE ARE THE EXAMPLE!! We are the ones that people look to for the answers, and WE are the ones with no time for each other! Would that Youth pastor have fallen if his home was a haven? I dont know! But I feel that the chances would be far fewer! I feel that my job as a Pastors wife is to protect my family and love my husband, to be supportive, lift up his head, be the shoulder he crys on, the ear he vents to, to be the mommy that my son knows he can count on, be a family like a family should be. To care for each other. To come together as a family and its the place that is rest. Our little bubble from the war zone we fight in everyday, we huddle together and there is peace and rest and are healed up to go out and give some more. How different would the church be if all families were like that? But since becoming a mommy, I feel I am exepected to give to anything but my family. I have to come before a commity to have them decide for me what my family values are to be, and what I am to sacrifice for. And my heart is broken. Now I am the one that is wieghed down, trying so hard to be that nurturer that I pictured in my head before my son was born, and I am struggling with the weight of so much else to continue on. Is my fight in vain? Are my priorities so off? Is this what a Pastors wife is and I was dillusioned as to what I could do?Does being a Pastors wife mean that the church is to be my family's everything? Please someone give me some clarity. At least I will not be spinning my wheels anymore. I am so lonely with no shoulder to cry on.

Linda  10/25/2007  Do not look for your spiritual or emotional support within the church! If there is one piece of advice from a pastor's wife of over 25 years, that is it. It does not work. If you can get spiritual feeding weekly at worship that is a bonus but you need to find others completely outside your husband's job as your support. And I do mean "job" Always remember that his ministry is his job and you are his wife and confidant. I have had the most emotional support from those who do not attend our church or any other church of our denomination. I have had great spiritual support from women in Christian groups that do not contain anyone who know s me. Just a suggestion for those just starting out.

Ang  10/26/2007  I have been a music minister's wife for almost 4 years. Over the last 2 weeks it has come about that our youth minister's wife has been lying to him (the youth minister) for their entire 2 year marriage. She's spent all the bill money on frivilous things and only paid the car payment. She told him their identity had been stolen and she had cleaned out their account. She used the church credit card to pay their cell phone bill and stole credit card numbers from her fellow teachers where she used to work. She did this type of thing before they were married and spent some time on probabtion. I write all this here just to vent and ask for prayer. I'm heartbroken for our youth pastor, he just came on full time in August, he didn't know any of this was going on. Now it looks as if some of our Senior staff want to fire him. His wife will be entering into a rehabilitation program for her pathalogical lying and stealing and then they will go from there. My husband says if they fire him, we'll leave as well. I completely respect that, but how do I keep from embarrassing my husband at the business meeting when I want to stand up to the members who call for the youth minister's resignation? Please tell me how you've dealt with the betrayal of a friendship with a fellow pastor's wife and what your church did. Have a blessed day!

Serah  11/1/2007  It feels so encourging to just read these topics. We are founders of a small fast growing church for now 3yrs. It has been not easy I have identified with every topic& had questions with no answers. As a working wife U dont time for yourself, husband nagging that things are not in order at home, you expected to attend to church issues everyevening, my two kids 7yrs needs my attention being in G1. Wives my home I feel is breaking apart because we have no time with each other. When Im home I have to concentrate to create a health environment since he has been fighting me that he is not enjoying home, he compares all the time with other womens home, food. I want to be a good employee wife,mother and first lady for the congregation.

annibell  11/3/2007  I have been a preacher's wife for 8 years. He answered the call before we met. At first he told me (actually on our first date) that he was called to be an evangelist. Now he feels the Lord is directing him in another direction in his life. Another season if you will. I have no problem with this and even feel that the Lord may be preparing me through the position of Women's Ministries VP that I hold this year. I am really just asking for prayer. My husband just passed his credentialing exam and he is waiting on God to open a church for him to pastor. Please pray that the Lord will provide us with a place where we can minister and be profitablefor His kingdom. It is rather difficult at times having faith when everything around you is going sooooo sloooooow. Thanks ladies!

Cassie  11/7/2007  Well Girls, I just want to say that I think it is a sad state of affairs when we who are called to minister to the hurting and lost are being encouraged to hide our own pain. This is what I am being told is best for the sake of my husbands ministry. But is that what Jesus would do? He did not hide his humanity from the men that followed him, and one of them turned on him and started the events that led to his death. But the sacfrifice led to eternal life for others. I don't beleive any of our struggles are in vain. I beleive that God will use our struggles to bring healing and freedom to others if we are willing. Suffering is alway for the purpose of ministry. I have found strenght in knowing that others are struggling in ways similar to myself. But I don't beleive God intends to leave us in our struggle. I for one am not willing to pretend. I am who I am, and I do not appologize for the struggle that I find myself in. The Lord is helping me pull out of a depression brought on by the harsh reality of the definition of what a pastor's wife is in today's society. Well, I for one don't like the definition. I for one am not willing to let anyone but God define me, and cause me to live in a little box. I beleive that our feelings are valid, and nothing to be ashamed about. Do we need to be careful about who we trust? Yes! That is just using wisdom. But to trust no one is unhealthy. I know God will bring each one of us a person we can confide in. Someone to get wisdom from. Someone to shake us out of our victim mentality. Someone to pray for us. We can do that for each other. Let's all start to pray and ask God to change things. Let's face it. Only He can do it! You have not because you ask not. Well, I'm asking God to fix something that is terribly wrong. We are called to walk alongside men who are men of God. We are women of God, and I know God wants to help all of us. I know he is honored by our committment to Him. But, I believe he desires for his church to stop pretending we are O.K. when we are not. As long as we submit our feelings to God first, He will help us to be wise about how we handle ourselves. I am thankful for this site where we can voice our hearts, but it should be stirring us to rise up and pray for God's intervention. We are all here on this site by His intervention. So, God, here we all are. HELP! Help us beleive you will change things and give us the grace to deal with life while things change.

my3kidsnhusband  11/14/2007  Hello PW's. I need someone to give me some spiritual advice. As the song says "I haven't always been good", I had my first child at the age of 17. The child's father and I split up before I told him I was pregnant. When he found out we started "the court issues". Well it's been 5 years now. Since then I've married a preacher and of course had other children. My question is spiritually what should I do about this situation? I have prayed, prayed, and prayed. I feel really bad for putting my husband through this. He doesn't deserve this. I know the saying that you reap what you sow, but are we ever going to get"a break". If anyone had advice I'd greatly appreciate it. Please email me Faith and songbird. I love your spirits.

jewel  11/15/2007  I am seeking God for patience, humility, stronger tolerance of others, peace of mind, endurance, a stronger character, more self control,a christ-purposed life and to you all out there that have already mastered these things, just pray for me! I turned 50 and I turned into this stranger to myself, with no idea what I was here for, or what I even wanted. I have taken on this isolation to myself, and am affraid to let anyone in. I wonder if I am still on board with the plan for our lives that we said that God has for us? I am feeling pretty low at this point of indecisiveness which causes despair. Why does it seem as though everyone has a clue but me? When will be my time? Not my husband's time, but mine! I feel so unaccomplished and incomplete. I look back over my life, and I served everyone but ME! I feel like I have nonthing to show for my efforts. I know it sounds like a pity party, but I don't care. I'm tired of jumpping through the hoops of society just to fit in or be approved of, and by people who mean me absolutely no good. I'm so discouraged with life and what the face that the world has taken on. Maybe I sound embittered and selfish well, then pray for me. I'm not loosing it, but I'v lost some of me, and that is not okay!

minister wife in VA  11/16/2007  What do you do when you find out that your husband has been cheating on you?

yel  11/19/2007  Hi, I am a 38 year old pastor wife, I am very confused.I have been married for 8 years. We have kids together. My husband is having an affair. I was hurt and very devestated when I found out about the affair. My husband and I have been seperated for about 2 years now. He has been with the other women for 2-3 years. I still support him by attending sunday services and go with him to different church functions. Is it my responsiblity to do this according to the bible? Am I still suppose to continually to support him in this way or do I go on with my life? Has told me that he don't know whether or not if he want's a divorce(confused.) I still do love my husband very much regardless of the situation. What shall I do? Please help!

Rhonda  11/25/2007  Well, Im sitting her with tears running down my face, as I want to give up the race of faith. My husband has been a senior pastor for 4 years. We have gone through a lot of pressure with the church this year, it nearly got to the point that there was going to be a divison. But thank God for his strength and Favor, it didnt happen, Ive gone through such a struggle Im so tried, and burnout. My husband I feel is not strong to take the vision and I feel all the pressure is on me. I ready to leave everything including him. But, my heart is not to hurt the body of Christ. Help!!! I just won't to quit and my husband is not supportive at all, Im a person who is always there for people when they need help, but everytime I need help noone is there for me....I don't think it's worth going on. Yes I know about, praying a having a deep relationship with God, and that's what i doing , which got us through the last trial...(so many of them Ive lost count) I'm worn out!!!We would be married for over 20 years now, and it's been 20 years of depression and hurt. I can't take it any longer. Please someone help me.

Kasey  11/25/2007  As I sat here reading so many entries I could not help but wonder has anyone answered your call for help? I want to encourage women who are Pastor's Wives, you were called by God to be the wife and mother you are. The eye of God roaves the earth night and day looking for the heart that loves did and still do. Hang in there, pull yourself up off the floor and remember who you are and to whom you are a daughter of the KING... Keep your eye our your Father's House, on His Kingdom, when you are slighted or over looked by your congregation, your children, your husband or co-workers, remember your Father's EYE is on you and His love endures are appreciated and loved. It is heard often but seldom grasped, that we must die to self...I think we can safely say that our emotions have to take a back seat to God's Kingdom. No, it is not simply done, it is a work that will last until we draw our last breath. There was a time I realized that I did not love people as God had called me to, and I also realized at that time I did not love God the way He loved me. Being a PW, there is an expectation of us to love others even when they are using boxing gloves on us :)It is what Jesus exampled, He does it so much better than we do. All in all, what has helped me the most is to look at situations as objectively as I can, try not to get "personal emotions" involved and remember to pray for those who persecute me. Love God the best I can, Love my husband next and show that love as much as possible. Last, plan a few hours alone every week for whatever engergizes me. Be it the gym, the salon or coffee with a girl friend. Blessings and prayers coming your way!

Amy  11/26/2007  my husband is a bi-vocational pastor at a small church. we are both in our early twenties and just had our first child, a son, three months ago. we don't know any pastors or pastors wives our age. it gets so tough with my husband working two jobs and giving his all to our church. we see spurts of growth and although many people are getting saved we don't see much spiritual maturity in our church. i started a women's Bible study that started with 16 women and at the last study i had three show up. i don't know what to do to keep up beat. if you're going through the same thing, or are a young pastor's wife looking for someone else who is going through the same thing, please email me

Nubs  12/2/2007  Alot in common with the other PW'S I want to know if I am out ot order for insisting that the church members NOT refer to me as the first lady?? I really do not like that name and prefer to be called sister. Some one said to me I am out of order because it seems as if I am fighting the fact that I am married to a senior pastor.

Vanish  12/21/2007  I don't even know if anyone will respond to this page. It feels better just to get it out. I feel that my husband loves the church more than me. He is very cold and distant at home, but loving and friendly to the church members. (If he disregarded them at home, like he does me - Our church would not be described as the loving church.) Because I feel disregarded, and not accepted, I get very mean. I am trying to work on this...but it just boils over. I pray and do well for a few days, but then I fall to pieces again. He is such a fake when it comes down it. He will not dance with me at home, but now he's trying to learn a new dance for the church fellowship banquet!! That makes me furious. How can I survive in this relationship?

lady t  1/8/2008  I'm a pastor wife and our ministry is a little over a year old.I'm going thru with my husband not beliving in the God in me all of the fruits of the spirit are there at home with out the church and at church and its the saints that is keeping up mess in our home. They respect him more than me and most of the leaders want to get in the poolpit and preach to tell people what to do but know one is trying to go on the streets and witness. Then when I mention doing that the leaders want to run to him and talk about me to him and it very aggravating.I try not to let it get to me but its time that I dont want to come to church and Im trying to understand why is this happening to me. Im a pretty nice person I love the Lord and its not the people that dont have the holy ghost its the people who have the holy ghost you people both my husband and me broke bread with people tht call there self both his and my friends and now they are just his friends. I need some help understanding this.

Searching  1/17/2008  I am writing a different sort of message and cry for help. I am engaged to a pastor who just started at his first church this past June. From the beginning we have had trouble with my mother, who has not been supportive of my dating someone in the ministry. She has a history of breaking up my relationships, including encouraging my sister to divorce her husband. She wants my sister and I to get married, but it also seems she wants us to be all alone and bitter like her. She is not a deep or spiritual type of person even though she just started going to church. I knew from the first day I met my fiance that I wanted to be with him. My mother started to misbehave from the moment I went out with him even though she had never even met him. We have been together 8 months and it has been a struggle from within me to decide for myself if I still want to marry him. I have even nearly lost a friend over being with someone in the ministry. People just don't seem to understand what it means to work for Jesus and that we are people too. They just feel like they can persecute us without consequences. Dealing with so much opposition has shaken me to the core and I am having a hard time thinking for myself what is best for me. I don't know who to believe and I know that there are wolves in sheep's clothing seeking to destroy us. My mother thinks that I am marrying someone beneath me, which only means that he doesn't have enough money to meet her standards. I come from a family of non-believers and I never realized how hard this would be to enter a life that is obviously foreign to them. I just moved to where my fiance lives, which is 2 hours away from my mother. My mom came with me to help me move in, which I thought was an act of kindness. All she did from the beginning was criticize us for how we do things. She even had a horrible accident where she broke all of her ligaments and tendons in her ankle from falling off of a table while trying to clean a light fixture. She had to depend on us and I thought her accident might have in a strange way brought us all closer together. My fiance even went out of his way to take her on a short road trip to cheer her up. Her behavior only worsened and I am afraid the damage has already been greatly done. Her unwillingness to accept our relationship has affected us to a great degree. I know that I need to let go of her and realize that she is the one who has to determine the direction of our relationship as mother/daughter now. I can no longer be a peacemaker and pretend it is ok to be treated the way she does me. Has anyone out there experienced this same sort of turmoil within their own family? I am having a hard time deciphering whose voice I should listen to in deciding whether or not I should marry this man. It usually takes me at least 3 days to shake my mother off of me and let the real me come out when I am around him. I am praying and I hope that y'all will pray for clarity for me. Sometimes it is hard to hear God's quiet voice inside our hearts when there is so much evil around us. Reading so many of these entries have given me some much needed peace and helped me realize how many pastor's wives are struggling. I thank God for helping me find this place to share my inner feelings where I know I won't be judged for doing so.

Isabelle  1/17/2008  When I found this web site and started reading I felt as if I had written a part of each entry I read. I have been a pastor's wife for 10 years. My husband is an ordained minister but had left the church ministry for other work many years before we met. He decided to return to church ministry AFTER we were married. I feel that I was a much better christian BEFORE I became a "preacher's wife." I find it hard to pray, especially in church, and have no joy in attending church services. The ladies in our church treat me horribly, but expect so much of me. When I try to talk to my husband about my feelings of exclusion, lonliness, and being treated badly by church members he blows it off as if it's me. I long for my christian journey BEFORE I was the preacher's wife. I'm so lonely and hurt.

Help I am A Pastor's Wife  1/18/2008  Blessings to you all. Being a first lady is a tedious job not only for the babes, but for the more mature ones. One thing that I learned in my time of being the Pastor's wife is ou have to be yourself. Develope a unique quite time for you and God Don't allow your congregation or husband mold you into something that God does not want you to be. Lean on God the Holy Spirit for guidance in every situation you encounter. These are just a few suggestions that worked for me.

looking for answes  1/29/2008  I am 28 and a minister's wife for 8 years now and I have had my days. With me being young the older women in the church almost ran me out of there. But, I am not writing about them I have an issue that I am dealing with. I am a mother of 4 (had 3 and forstering 1) and it's hard as you know to have kids sitting in service so long. At my church they like for you to sit in the front in the sit they call the minister wife sit and it is in the front. My last child is 12 months and he like to preach as well and sitting in the front is out of the question..but they get so mad and they say that I need to support my husband in that way. Please tell me why they make us sit where we don't want to...

Carol M  2/1/2008  I have a question. I am married to a Youth Pastor who is one of 3 pastors at our church. The sad thing is that none of us are close together. It has been very very lonely here at this church from thebeginning which is 5 years. My heart is telling me it isn ot meant for us to be here, but I do not want to way this on emotions. I feel so lonely, has anyone ever been in this situaton? Usuall y there are the other pastors wives you can go to for support but thsi situation is different. I just needed to vent and share.

Marie  2/5/2008  I have been reading for several hours now, through the thoughts and worries of other PW. I am feeling some of the same feelings. I need a little guidance. First of all, I've been a PW for 13 years, and my husband is a wonderful, God-following man and has given me 3 beautiful children. We've been at a small country church for 9 years, which I have grown to love. I have many close friends, which was an answer to a 3-4 yr prayer. Anyway, the people have become apathetic and unmotivated to be committed, which has my husband and I very discouraged. He pours his heart out and yet they seem to have a million other things to do besides come to church. However, we had no intentions of leaving at this time. On a side note, we are not full time and we run a business on the side. Neither is meeting our financial needs so my husband decided to apply for a job. It looked promising, but all of a sudden, he has not heard back. In the meantime, a preacher from another church has asked if he would be interested in taking the church. It would not require a move or anything, but I fear so many things. Number one, not having the time to keep up with the friends at our church now. Number two, feeling guilt that we're leaving our church hanging on a limb (I am the piano player and we just officially joined the church 3 months ago as a public gesture that we plan on staying for a long time). And number three, the new church is where my husband's sister goes, who I don't get along with very well. We spent the first 3-4 years of our marriage trying to find a church that we could be our own person without his family being involved with everything. I have really bad feelings about having to see her every service! She's a very controlling person and my husband is wonderful in her eyes, but I seem to disappear. In addition, I'm in general just having feelings of inadaquacy as a PW. I feel guilty for not wanting to go where God may be leading us and I feel very unwise when it comes to counseling and helping others. I am usually a positive person and I like to have fun. But it's really hard for me to get serious and real with people. In the end, I just want to do what's right, but I need some help on how to get through these negative and evil feelings. I feel very alone right now. Neither of us are sure whether we should stay where we are or go to this new church. I'm very confused. HELP!

millie  2/5/2008  I have been a pastor's wife for only a few years. We serve at a mid-sized church in an assistant pastor role. I am not sure really how to describe my situation, but I wanted to ask for prayer. My heart is so broken and I see my husband burnt out over politics...prayers would be such a blessing. It is so encouraging to me to know that there are others in my same journey that would lift me to our precious savior in prayer. I could use a few friends so if anyone has time to email I would be blessed and grateful to have the company. Thank you for your prayers.

Voni  2/5/2008  I couldnt find my answer here..was wondering if u could email me your thoughts..On if a pastor she constantly give in to his seninr parent and just to make hime happe and not quit church .And do u feel the pastoer she discuss what goes on and plans for the church with his wife..and dedcide with her and not his parent? I am at my wits end. My husband loves everyone and his posassion is Saving souls for hte lord..but I feel ...I am lesast important..and he figure i will go along to get along..and if i dont like will eventually blow over..Before his parents came to our was my husband and i who made decisiongs am not even included..only told what is going on later afer they have decided....They say I am the first lady of the church and also the clerk..but mostly..I feel like a maid ..and gopher for this go for that..I dont feel it is for God at all. I sing in choir and od specials.etc..I love doing and pleasing the Lord but find it hard lately to want to be a part of something that use to make me feel my second home but isnt anymore..Thanks for listening..please send me any ideas on how u feel ...we have only had the church 2 years..and parents thewre a year...I just dont want to go thru it anymore,,thanks

Grace  2/13/2008  Dear Denise, My husband and I started an outreach,evanglism center in the inner city about five years ago. It has been really challenging, but worth it! What I love about is being "God" taught and the freedom to walk by the spirit as we are led. That is exciting. I have prayed for God to send hungry people, but also laborers. It has been challenging, but God rewards in ways we can't even imagine! I believe my husband was led to do this, and I also have a ministry with woman and children. God's word says the harvest is plentiful and it is! There are so many lonely, hurt, fearful people. Don't be afarid to try different things and to branch out in different ways. We have connected with the emergency homeless center and an inner city domestic center. We have been kind to others and they now refer people to us. I also pray for women friends, which has brought me here today. God is HUGE! In wisdom and truth God will lead and will provide all our needs, it is His promise to us.

Rita  2/15/2008  Hi, I am new to this website, and I feel blessed to have stumbled on it. I read different situations and find myself in much of the same things. I thought I was by myself feeling my husband was called to pastor, not me. My husband has been pastoring for almost 8 years. My husband sometimes tell me that he feels that I'm not supportive enough. He wants me to preach and I said I don't feel called to do that. I hate that titled "THE FIRST LADY" I can't stand that term. People expect me to be a certain way and I am not feeling it. I need God's direction my husbands.

Trying to do Right  2/20/2008  When the Pastor is FEMALE and a MALE Pastor and his spouse are invited as guest preacher for a special event..... Which female gets pinned with a coursage first?

Dorine  2/21/2008  I am a Senior Pastor wife for 5 years now....and its been so hard. When we first started out I was so positive, I was a person who got on with everyone with a loving heart. Loving the Lord and had so much confidence and peace. Now I am misery with the people because they have hurt me and my family so many times. I forgive and forgive and they still treat us with no respect. When the members are not happy they don't talk to us and gossip amongst their selves. Im fed up with everything, because now my relationship with the Lord has been hindered so much. Any one got any advise for me for I want to quit and be happy.

2/28/2008  Be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might, hang in their I have been a Pastor Wife for along time I was young when my husband became a Pastor. I hated it, at first because I felt that people wanted you to behave in a certain way. Nevertheless, I have passed that stage in my life. I ignore them now, that make all kinds of rude comments, I would respond but now i ignore them, I basically would just sit their and not participate in the service. But God had been to good to me. So now i stand up and tesify in get involved in the service. So my advice to anyone stand still and know that God is God.

jkijkkk  2/29/2008  Hi I have been married to my husband for 17 yrs. he started pastoring 5 years ago.It has been a blessing and a burden.I recently found out that my husband went outside of our marrriage about a year and a half ago and he told me that it had nothing to do with me he was just stressed out and felt like leaving the church and moving out of town and said that he felt like he couldn't talk to me because i wouldn't have understood and he felt like i wasn't strong enough and that really made me angry because he pre judged me and didn't give me an opportunity to talk to me so he talked to some delilah and fell right into her arms and shared all of hiself with her and brought back a STD and i am so thankful that it was curable I have three beautiful children and i feel like he put my life in danger and my children because they could have been left without their mother and father. Every since then it's like he wants me to make all of these changes to myself he wants me to lose weight and i am only 125lbs. he wants my hair black etc and i feel like i am not satifying to him and i feel like he is comparing me with other women and maybe even the one he was with and i have made all the changes and he to me is still not satified and always has something to say and when i say anything it is always misunderstood and took the wrong way. HELP I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

MAHORO Peace 10/14/2008 My heart is out for you. Take heart. Be still. For the battle belongs to God. Say to your self "Gloat not over me my enemy. Though I have fallen I will rise. Though I am in darkness, the Lord will be my Light" Donot allow to be shattered by the enemy. What you are experincing is about to end. Take a look way back. All along God has fought battles for you- those you know about and those you donot and worn then all. Yes worn them all. And he's already worn this battle for you already.Keep in prayer. I will be there agreeing with you.much love for you.

maria 5/6/2009 I just found this website and read your message. I am also a PW-I have been for 12 years. I hope things have gotten better for you since your last message. Your husband seemed confused and unsatisfied with life. God put both of you together for a reason. If he is still seeking change in your appearance-have him's still you. Dont change the color of your hair or lose weight unless your doing it for you. Your husband needs to share his heart to another man who you respect and has a heart after God. I pray for both you and your ministry.

Gail  3/6/2008  Wow, what an eye-opener reading these posts have been for me!! I, too, am a pastor's wife, although not in the "traditional" sense. After many years of trying to start churches out of our home, my husband, who is also a computer programmer, happened across a site on the internet called "Second Life". While exploring within the site, he happened upon a virtual church, who had been looking for an ordained minister. So now, he preaches twice each Sunday, and counsels people the rest of the week online. We have been through the experience of starting home based churches, which fizzled out as soon as we started trying to teach "meat" instead of "milk", letting people live with us in the hopes of giving them a "stable home environment" in which to kick the drug habit, and stepping in to pastor a small local church whose pastor had pretty much abandoned them. Every one of these ventures failed, and in the process (long, LONG story) practically ruined our marriage at the same time. I definitely know the feeling of being beaten up and wrung out to dry by people we were trying to help. One thing we have learned through all of our experiences is that many people don't go to church to learn about God. It's more of a social outlet for them, and the more you try to budge them to leave their comfort zone, the more you are criticized. Then there is that element of people who prey on "good Christian people", knowing that if they give you a sob story about how hard their life is, and how hard it is to change in the evil environment they live in, you will reach out to them with love to try to help. One of the people who fits into this category is now in jail, and told my husband that he had been manipulating good people for years like that because he couldn't hold a job long enough to pull himself out of the hole he was in because every dime he made was spent on drugs. He was actually dealing drugs out of our house while he was living with us!! My husband is still counselling him, but we learned our lesson about not trying to be caretakers for people who are not willing to try to help themselves. My husband is still convinced that God called him to be a Pastor, and is still convinced that God is going to raise him up to pastor a large church sometime in the future, but to tell the truth, I am hoping that the large church will be on the INTERNET!!! Generally, we have found that the type of people who go to the internet for spiritual food are the type who have gotten fed up with the "traditional" way of doing things, and are looking for something more than just a place to socialize. "Second Life" is also a great evangelical tool, because the other places you can go there are of all different kinds, good and bad. We can see where God is using the new technology available today to advance the Kingdom of God, not just on places like Second Life, but within traditional churches, too. We take advantage of the internet to watch sermons from Kenneth Copeland Ministeries, Billye Brim Ministeries, Joyce Meyer Ministeries, etc. etc. frequently, which we truly enjoy. I knew that I was more comfortable in the role of Pastor's Wife with hubby preaching on the internet, but WOW, after reading the majority of the posts here, I am DEFINITELY sold on it now!! My husband and I are quite different in temperment (he's a total optimist, and I'm more of a realist), which we think God did on purpose so that we could balance each other out. God has taught us so much about how to do that and still keep peace within our marriage. We have learned that it's okay to minister to people and try to help them, but caretaking is not good for them. Unless they are willing to put forth an honest effort to listen to what we are trying to teach them, and to put what they learn to practical use, there isn't really very much we can do for them, other than just love them. And "just showing them love" has actually worked in some cases. The drug addict I mentioned above has come a long way toward grasping the things of God while in jail, just by my husband and I caring enough to love him and to continue to counsel him about the way God does things. He's actually listening better since we have made it clear to him that we are no longer in the "caretaking" business. He even wrote a letter to me, personally, asking me to write to him, also, because, in his words, "Ms Gail, you are the only woman I have ever really known that has her "stuff" together, and I am hoping that you can teach me how to relate to "healthy women". I have been writing to him, and yes, I still think he's got a lot of the old "bologna" still in him, but little by little, I think I am getting across to him that women need certain things from a man in order to feel secure and loved. God is really working in this guy's life, and the reason he's in jail right now is because that's where God needs him to be. God is not going to let him get out of jail until he is honestly READY to get out of jail, and I believe that God is using my husband and myself to minister to him while he (God) does the things necessary in him to complete his healing. Anyhow, I know God knows what each of us is capable of, and I know that some pastor's wives are more suited to the "traditional pastor's wife" life than others. Personally, I don't think it's for me, and unless God shows me otherwise, I will continue to be happy in the untraditional role I am in now. I will pray for those of you who are so unhappy and unfulfilled in your roles, and will pray that your husbands will listen to God concerning your roles. It truly does take both husband and wife to make a pastor effective in his ministry, but if he ignores his own wife's limitations and forces her into a role she isn't suited for, there's going to be stress and strife, both of which are going to sabotage the effectiveness of his ministry. May God bless each and every one of you precious Pastor's wives here!!

Jen  3/7/2008  About a year ago, my husband started a church. I've been very active in all everything, but find that lately my husband puts the church ahead of his family. This hurts me a lot since I am all alone in the state where we moved to to start this church. I'm away from my entire family. Right now, I am also pregnant. I'm not sure what to do. Please help me with any advice.

Name (if you want to remain anonymous, simply put a pen name)

E-Mail address

Ideas, Questions, or Responses (if response, please indicate to which entry you are responding)