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Pastor's Wife's Support Board

The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!
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Gypsy Presbyterian 5/28/2008 Of course it hurts when your husband puts his job ahead of you and your family! And even though he is clergy, the church IS his job. Yes, he took ordination vows, but he also took marriage vows that are equally sacred. It is your privilege and duty to remind him of those marriage vows, especially with a baby on the way. Scriptural basis? Check out the book of Esther. She was not shy about confronting her husband, but she was wise. I've been a pastor's wife for over 20 years, and I promise, it is possible to have a good marriage to a preacher, without feeling as if you're competing with God for your husband's attention.

sc 5/31/2008 I have been a Pastor's wife for 14 years; we have been married for 15 1/2 years; when we met he was an out reach ministry Evangelist, I never knew by growing up in church all of my life that a Pastor's wife was so lonely and hurtful. Sometimes all I have to do is to show up for church service and the attacks begin from the members; mostly from those that are on the praise & worship team. Some times I feel like Moses in the Bible wife when Mariam the High praiser came against Moses concerning his wife. I have learned over the years through crying, pain, and being rejected not to stoop down to their level but rather to pray for them that God will expose them to my husband whom I love very dearly. The majority of the time they are so sneaky with the attacks that my husband is not paying attention and when I go to him in pain, some times I feel as though he does not understand my pain. That is why I have learned to lean and depend on Jesus to my misery into my ministry to help me help other Pastor's wives that feel lonely, frustrated, criticized, misunderstood and rejected. So be encouraged GREAT WOMEN OF GOD ! and remember that God has your situation in the palm of his almighty hands.

Pastors wife too 6/4/2008 I have been a Pastors wife for about 2 years now. I am wondering what do you do when you have women in the church that have other motives concerning you I know everyone won't have your back but how do you deal with these situations?

Mrs. Overwhelmed 6/26/2008 I just became a pastor's wife five months ago. I love my husband,but I didn't realize there were so much to being a pastor's wife. I attend a Missionary Baptist Church where the pastor insist on the pastor's wives sit on the second row up front. Is that really necessary? Iv'e been going to this church for 7 years and I always sat in the middle on the third row from the back, were I can see everything. That's where I liked sitting. Why should where you sit be an issue?

PIWN 6/27/2008 How do you handle a female member who is constantly in the pastors office for no apparent reason other than to be there and is constantly talking to the pastor and always seems to have to make a remark after everything I (pastor's wife) say. What do I do?

sky 5/11/2009 I read your comment about the ever-present lady in your husband's office and I have this to say- if it was my husband's office and it was obvious what the lady was after, I would tell my husband to tell her in no uncertain terms - "back off". OR in the alternative, if he didn't - I would do it myself. I am sorry, but being "politically correct" is not the point here. If some guy was trying to seduce your teen daughter you would tell him to buzz off. So what's the difference here - another person with an unclean goal in mind.

Jay 6/30/2008 I am not officially a PW yet but I really needed to find this page today. My husband has just got involved in 'taking over' the youth at our church. I do not feel called into this at all and it is good to be reminded that the expectations of people should not be what I base myself on - I must remember that God knows my heart and He knows my feelings. I pray that He will remind my husband that His calling is his calling and that I am not "wrong" in feeling un-called to the same ministry. I almost wish I hadn't shared these feelings with my husband as he took it as a personal offense. I love him and support him - these kids in the youth are important to God - it's just that I don't want to lead and love them as he feels led to. The last thing I want to do is hurt him or make him feel alone in this.

Leah 7/1/2008 Good Morning Ladies! What a joy it is to read the messages posted to this site for PW's. I have been looking for something like this for a long time. To the PW who thought up this wonderful idea to put something on the web for other PW's God Bless You!!! I have been married for 33 years to a wonderful man of God. We got married when I was sixteen years old and he was eighteen years old. My husband and I have been in ministry for twenty nine years and he has been pastoring for twenty-two years. We have three adult children together and two little granddaughters and one little grandson. I really have never worked because when we were kids the wife stayed home to care for the children, husband, and everything else according to how it fell in order which is what I have done. You may-be wondering why I never made an attempt to work outside of the home? I never had the support of my mom, I did not know my dad. I was raped twice before the age of 15 and I did not trust anyone with my kids for fear something like what happened to me might happen to them while I was away. So I have supported my husband in ministry for thirty years. I have supported him as he went to school to get his degree's. I have supported him at our first church and now we are at church number two. He handles all of the finances. I get a small allowances weekly. I have supported him through thick and thin. I have taken drama off of our church members, I have had member's who look down at me because I do not have quote un-quote and education. I do feel bad because I do not. However, at the time in our lives when a girl got pregnant the parents expected for the young girl to marry the boy who got her pregnant and that is what we did. I had different priorities. Now our children are grown out on their own and have kids of their own and I find that I am now helping to raise my grandchildren. They are making a life for themselves. I am near fifty and all I have to show is that I was a good mother, a wife, and a good PW because I was and am. My PH has been a good man to me we live in a good community, in a lovely house/home, we have a nice car we did have two, but we just recently gave one to our youngest son. You may-be wondering what is the problem? why am I writing at all? I feel sometimes like I am a burden to him. I feel like he wishes I could be like a lot of his friends who have gotten a divorce and are now married to younger women, women who have pretty skin, long hair, small tight butts, women who have career's of their own. About two weeks ago my husband told me in the heat of a disagreement that I need to bring something to the table to, that I need to get something of my own. My sentiments were everything you have belongs to me, because while you worked out side of the home I worked here at the home as wife, mother, doctor, care taker, housewife, counslor, teacher, cook, chauffer from one practice to the next, and then in the evening when he had an engagement I was right there to support him as wife and first lady and don't get me wrong, but the list goes on and on.I do feel like I should have my own money, my own career, my own car, my own, own, etc, and the list goes on and on. The only thing I can say is that when we were growing up things were done differenty. Now today on the verge of the second half of my life I am looking back and I know for sure I want the second half to be done differently. I need the courage to pursue my dreams and goals. I don't want to be a burden on my husband or my children. I need to work, I need to go to school to get my education I do have some college under my belt. I need to feel good about me and my accomplishments that I have acheived and attained. So to all the young pastor's wives learn from me I shared my private life with you so that you can be better, better, better. Sometimes, we as pastor's wives lose our idenity while working in the ministry with our husbands we need to have our own idenity also. What would you suggest my first move be from here out.

patty 7/5/2008 Thank you for this sight. I have read through alot of the old entries. I hope that some of you are still out there. I love my Church and even though i have had my moments when I felt like running out the back door God has brought me through. We are a small church of about 60 on an average sunday. When we started 10 years ago, we had about 30 in attendance, mostly older. Now we have an average of 60 and about 20 of them are teenagers who drive themselves and bring a car load with them. We have been truly blessed at church. That is not my problem. My question is how can I truly feel like I am doing the Lords work, and truly being a christian, when i cannot stand to be in the same room with my mother in law. She puts me down, but only when my husband is not around. She runs and tells other people that we never let her see the grandkids. She lives strait across the road and all she has to do is ask for them to come over and I would be glad to let them spend time with her. She acts as if she has 2 grandkids, Her daughter's. She has 4 more(3 mine, 1 my brother in laws.) I don't like to be in the same room. For her to be a Christian, she sure does put her own church down alot, which is truly disturbing for me because that is where alot of my family goes. She makes sure to tell me when my uncles do something(they are deacons there) that did not suit her purposes in the church. Please help. This is causing problems between me and my husband. And i don't want it coming back on him and the church when it is starting to grow finally. Please HELP> thanks so much.

ton 7/6/2008 i have a question...i am a pastor's wife...and we have a small church with maybe 25 people...we have also had as many as 65...we have been pastoring for almost 10 years...and i hear some of the ladies talking about others in the church and saying that they want to be little me's...i wear skirts daily and my hair is long...i dont push that off on anyone else..that is just who i am...and yes, they have went and purchased for themselves some of those skirts...but they are long and they are jean material and they are comfortable....to me it is not a problem...and it never came to my attention until...i overheard some of the ladies saying ugly things about some of the others...what i really want to know is...is this such a bad thing to want to be like the pastors wife and be her friend...or does being the pastors wife make u like that lonely picked on child in school who the other children claimed had cooties...i mean...honestly that is the way i feel... and i truley lov e my position in the church...and i don't see what the big deal is...if u could help me and give me a word...it would be greatly appreciated...i only want to know because the young ladies that choose to quote"dress like me" have been hurt by this gossip and it has really offended them....thanks so much

Raquel 7/16/2008 Hello, we pastor a church in florida, and it is growing and we love it. My husband and I have both been divorced. Both of us divorced because we could not help what our ex spouses decided to do. My husband ramained on staff at the church he was at in the South, being that his wife left him. That is our story, we are now married and I have a son from my previous marriage, he is 6. It is hard to focus on the church for me, being that my ex husband wants to take me to court for 50% custody to get out of paying child support. Please pray for a financial miracle, my attorney bill is over 5k and I am out of funds. The Lord clearly spoke to me a year ago that I would win my case in court. I need support of pastor's wife through prayer, so that my faith will remain strong. This is especially hard because I have been a stay at home mom. I don't really share to much with our congregation, but I will with you all. God has really taught me to remain at peace in the Storm, and he continually puts people in my path to help or people who have been divorced and need help. I would appreciate the prayer, I need 3K soon and need a miracle. Thanks.

7/19/2008 how do you deal with female manipulation, "when it concerns your husband who is the pastora" they always try to turn him against you?

RUTHIE 8/3/2008 Has nobody posted to this website since March of 2008??!! What's up? May I be so bold as to add my six-bits? Same old story...my husband basically ignores the fat, ugly or plain, BRUNETTE women in the church, but is so "concerned" if they're attractive BLONDES! Says he's "just doing his job"! Well, is it his job to stay in the sanctuary w/her after everybody else has gone home...and is it her place to stand next to him in the vestibule? And shouldn't a "man of the cloth" be the epitome of what a marriage/a good husband should be? Well, mine doesn't even wear a wedding ring! I really like what one MAN wrote on this site...that it's NOT WRONG for the pastor's wife to question him...and she's NOT crazy for being jealous/suspicious. Isn't that my answer?! But he won't heed my advice...or anybody else's. After all, he can do no wrong; he's Mr. Perfect. PLEASE don't tell me to stay with him no matter what! Why is it that a "secular" wife is told it's okay to divorce her cheating husband, but a PW is advised to forgive and forget...tolerate it. Well, infidelity IS a Biblical grounds for divorce...and PW are NOT an exception! What "gets" me...is that a so-called "counselor" from Focus on the Family said that if a woman at church is giving the pastor attention/praise, while his wife's complaining at home, he IS going to have an AFFAIR! THAT was real "encouraging" news :). And duh...if anybody "deserves" to have an affair, it's the PW! While he's out there "caring" for all the other women's "emotional/spiritual" problems, his attitude is that his WIFE can go to hades if SHE'S got any "emotional" problems! Plus I've heard that preachers have problems with two things--money and women! And..."if you wanna know where all the lonely women are in town, just ask the preacher!" Sorry, but I've just become so CYNICAL of him and ministers in general. Folks have also said "pastors are humans, too"...well, PWs are also human, and can we not get jealous just like any other woman can??!! That's the gist of my problem. DON'T tell me to go to counseling...I did for two years...he refuses to go w/me. Something that the counselor told me is that an emotional affair is still an affair. AND don't suggest that I talk to HIM about it...he gets defensive of himself, the other women and their relationship and we get into knock-down, drag-out fights! Yeah, and we're Christians! I'm so sick of hearing you-just-have-a-low-self-esteem/you're-just-insecure. NO, that IS NOT IT! In one church where we were members but he wasn't pastor, he went around talking to women/trying to drum up a Sunday School class for those SINGLE/DIVORCED! Well, he never asked ME if I felt led to be a part of such a ministry...and don't you think a WOMAN or a SINGLE man should be doing that and NOT a MARRIED man?! Oh, i could give you more and more examples...but even our 15-year-old daughter noticed her dad and this particular blonde talking at length...and said her Daddy DOES have "problems" with women! Yet when I needed her support/needed her for backup...to show it WASN'T "just my imagination," she stabbed me in the back! All to "protect" her precious, can-do-no-wrong father! And aren't you sick of hearing what a NICE MAN he is?! Those people don't have to LIVE with him! It's been emotional/mental/verbal abuse for almost 33 years! No, I'm not going to shoot him...but I could "identify" with that PW in Tennessee who took a shotgun to her husband! And they had 3 daughters just like we do :). That's the gist of it...all I have time for! I HATE myself for getting/being jealous...but it's really HIS fault! Here's something else that's bold. Thanks for your time!

Esther 8/6/2008 How do you deal with Jealousy when you see a particular woman in church tickle your husband and is quite friendly towards him? The Holy Spirit reminded me of the fact that I am a new creation. I am alive from the dead(Romans 6) and I am Alive unto God. I am a member of the Body of Christ in Particular and Sin shall no longer have dominion over me. I have the Spirit of Love operating in me. Love is not Jealous I cor. 13 Feel free to comment.

Submissive Wife 8/9/2008 I don't even know where to start. I just cried as I read through some of the entries. My issue is a little bit different from the entries I've read. My husband studies the word but he is not a doer. If I say anything about it he becomes very angry. Example -The word say he should be the spiritual leader in our home - if I ask him to pray or do a bible study with us, he gets angry. Then he says I'm the reason he won't do it. Or if he does do it and I ask him to do again six months later, I'm nagging him. I have great spiritual discernment. If I try to warn him about a situation he refuses to even listen to the advice. When the situation has a bad out come that causes our family or the church to suffer, he refuses to take responsiblity.He accuses me of trying to run the church the worse part is he does not learn from the mistake and he won't listen to the advice the next time. I don't want to say I told you so but if he had listened the out come would have been different because he would have received the warning and spiritual guidence. This behavior sabatages our family and the ministry of the church. I'm beginning to wonder about his fruit. I am trying not to say anything because its destoying our relationship but I know that it is God giving me the warnings. I have stopped sharing them and just let things go from bad to worse , because I am tired of the confrontations. I feel like Abigail (1 sam 25) she was constantly pleading with the Lord not to destroy him for his disobedience. I know that God is going to hold me accountable for my behavior. What should I do.

Londie 8/11/2008 I have been a pastor's wife for about 16 years. He was not a preacher when I married him. Sometimes I let that bother me. This is not the life I expected. We have been at the present church for 14 years and many ways very blessed. However, I am experiencing "burn out" I need a break. Is it wrong for me to want to go somewhere else for a while? Just need an encouraging word or two and lots of prayers.

ADWOA 8/12/2008 PLEASE, IS IT BIBLICAL FOR A PASTOR'S WIFE TO BECOME A FULL TIME PASTOR?

swissnotes 8/28/2008 Hello. I have just 'discovered' this site and somehow feel a glimpse of 'hope' that someone can empathise with what I am going through. I don't dare 'hope' anymore, that I may find some 'support', however 'virtual' but I am so desperate. Is there anyone out there? I've been a pastor's wife for 21 years (i'm now 42). About 5 years ago our church was blessed with a sudden congregational increase of about 50%, amazing though busy times, the presence of God so real and tangible, miracles, signs and wonders. Now for the past 8 months spiritual battles have virtually destroyed my 23-year happy marriage and solid godly family structure with 3 teenagers. It seems the 3 'females' in our family unit (not my son or my husband) have become the regular 'target' of 3 women in the church, tightly knit together. We have been attacked verbally, spiritually even a physical attack on my 18 year old daughter. For some surreal reason my husband can't see any of this and meanwhile these women seem to have become his most loyal supporters. In April I discovered he had been having a 'relationship' on an emotional level with one of them who is divorced with 4 young girls. My husband feels I am 'paranoid'about the attacks, seems detached from our 'pain' and simply can't see something that most the congregation can see and this is now destroying the church without me able to do a thing about it. This whole situation is starting to affect my mind and mental state at the moment and at times I feel as if I am looking straight into the pit of hell and actually start fearing for my life. I confront this 'fear' most days and am in such a 'dark' lonely place right now - there is absolutely no one i can talk to. One positive thing out of all of this is that God, our wonderful Father who never changes, has become my and my daughters' sole refuge but we find ourselves relating to David's DESPAIR in so many of his psalms. I know he went on to become a king and a conqueror but right now this is just so hard. Sorry this is a miserable request - can someone talk to me? I pray that one day I will be the 'other side of the fence' helping one of you.

Sue 9/2/2008 After 21 years of marriage, and all of that save one, in pastoring and or other forms of ministry, my husband has moved emotionally away from me. About 3 years ago a couple came back to our church and started giving him personal sums of money and became his prayer partners. The children and I was uncomfortable about these people from the beginning and voiced our opinion which every time brought on a tirade. It has gone to the point where he sleeps on the couch and she is his assistant, with the kids and I knowing very little of his life. He actually works very hard at keeping us in the dark. I do not think that he is sexually unfaithful but the disgust in his face for me has all but destroyed my heart. This couple is still in the church and sometimes at prayer meetings it is only these three. How do we stop this "spiritual" prostitution that is killing off ministries like big old oaks getting chopped down. Fast pray. Yes, I have done that and have a couple intercessors praying as well. Some days I want to get "unsaved" about this.

TiredPW 9/3/2008 My husband and I were married for five months when he was called to be a Pastor. My sister-in-law's husband was a Pastor and he died in March 2006. His wishes was for my husband to Pastor if anything happened to him. I have never been in ministry but I love the Lord deeply. I don't know anything about being a Pastor's wife. My husband often reprimands me and sets such high standards for me as his wife that I never seem to reach. He is very hard on me and expects me to be perfect. I am always trying to live up to his idea of how a Pastor's wife should be and beating myself up when I fall short. When God called him into ministry he knew that I was his wife. My husband aren't a team. He feels that this is his thing and I'm just here for him and to look pretty. I feel very unappreciated and unaccepted by my husband and congregation. Before we were married I told him that God called me into ministry to preach and teach his word. At the beginning we walked together in our Pastoral Calling and when he saw how God was using me he began to get jealous. So he wouldn't let me teach or preach anymore. I don't know why he is holding me back. I thought he loved me but it seems like he has become my enemy. He doesn't support me in the prophetic and teaching ministry that God has given me. It hurts. I don't know whether I want to stay at a church where I am just being tolerated or go to a place where they will celebrate the gifts that I have to offer the body of Christ. I do I continue to love and support a man who's trying to control and manipulate me? Help!

Violet 9/3/2008 Help me please! My husband and I are about to launch out in ministry and whilst that is not high on my 'oh no' list, what concerns me is the way my husband speaks about me to others. sometimes his comments are so negative and it clearly leaves others listening to believe that what he has said. whether the comments are true or false said in jest or serious - it damages my confidence. I never know what he will say, and I feel when I am maybe at my most vulnerable then my husband/ Pastor of all people should be sensitive. I have raised this with him before, and whilst he may acknowledge it at that point, that soon fades. I am a intercessor, and I'm constantly praying for my husband and others. Is this just an attack from the adversary or what?

Sherry 9/8/2008 I was taught by another Pastor's wife to put my husband before my children(Titus 2:3-5). My husband(who is my pastor) will not let me know do this. I believe he prefers spending time with our children rather than me. How can I submit to him without feeling like I'm not following the scriptures?

Jewel 9/12/2008 I am so glad that someone has addressed the matter of the "dirty side of ministry". To often we as minister's wives seem to block ourselves in by regarding our role as a very protected elite place of comfort. We are kept safe from the real world, where there are issues of drugs, sex, violence, porn films of children, and all forms of sins that are not usually spoken of in our polite and politically correct churches. But, here is a shocker for someone, these thing do exist!! There is a whole world out there that the peoples' mind-set does not fit into the "norm" of society. I have found though, that when there are drugs on the scene, all of the rest just falls in place. I have also found that there are people who have never seen a bible, or have never been introduced in the slightest way to Jesus Christ. They have of code of honor among themselves. The social welfare system is just the way to ensure food stamps, medicaid, and an income for the family that does not suffer a break in it at all, the daughters just have yet another baby, or as soon as the girls can get pregnant, they instinctively know that it's their turn to put a check back into the house, they are too often encouraged by the mother in the family to do so.These people see justice in a whole different way. The courts are always packed with the same subjects repeating the same crimes. It is just like a revolving door.They think that this is the way it is supposed to be! Now, before ministering to them, you have got to come out of your safety zone. They are not going to come to you, and they don't want to hear anything that you have to say if you can't even understand why the lights have been cut off,"THIS IS WHERE THEY LIVE"! It may take them several times of coming and really crying hard in church service, or coming to feast at the refreshment table, but don't judge them too harshly, some of the kids have not had anything to eat for days, the food stamps were traded for money to buy guess what? But each time that the word of God is fed to them, they become accountable to it. Little by little, more and more stays with them, and sisters, we have to let the word do what it was intended to do, convict. God didn't say that there would be a specific date or time in which this would work.We are to plant the seeds, and allow God to do the watering. The field is often rocky, muddy, and filled with undesirable elements that take time and patiences to work out especially from the root. Then, God's word will do what He intended it to do, take root in their hearts just as it did for us. The work of His people is often thankless, and we must often come out of our comfort zones and get all messy, but remember, it is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Some of us don't like to be politically incorrect and will only be seen with certain one's. But will you Sisters continue the work of the cross with me as God has said for us to do? I will always pray for you and may I encourage you in the your walk. Keep the faith so that a bountiful harvest will be reaped for Christ.

Don McDade 9/18/2008 This is for the Pastor and wives out there. I have been a Pastor since 1977. However, my wife left and divorced me becauce she had a abusive childhood and was not able to show affection of any kind. However, I was raised around affectionate parents and I am very very affectionate. Instead of getting counseling she felt it was best to deal with her guilt by leaving me and now she is having another man's baby. I have learned many things in a relationship with that special EVE in your life. 1. Remember that Pastors and thier wives are human also and they also need someone to go to for support and counseling. 2. Pastor's remember that God holds YOU responsible to be the romantic leader in your relationship and God expects you to spend lots of time nurturing that relaionship even above the church. I see alot of Pastors that go overboard with what is expected of them and they ignore their wives and that is NOT....repeat...NOT what God wants from you.If the church does not understand that you need to spend time with your wife, then ask them how they would like a Pastor that is no longer married? Just as children need to see their parents showing love and affection with each other and spending time alone....the church needs to see that also. 3. Pastor and Wife remember to GIVE to each other and HELP each other be who you really are on the inside. Not what the members percieve you to be!! Both of you should be willing to let the other see your weakness, sins and need for each other wihout the fear of rejection. I have always on a regular basis reminded the church that I am a SINNER just like they are. I have my private sins also. In fact I think the church would be growing more if more Pastors would say that and put a sign outside the church that states, "SINNERS ARE WELCOME HERE." 4. Remember to Help each other to be who you REALLY are in four areas: Spiritual, Emotional, Intellectual and Physical. I am presently not Pastoring a church due to my discovery that churches do not want to hire a single Pastor. I have been trying since my divorce 2 years ago. Pastors.....you have no idea how you are blest with a woman that loves you and wants to serve the Lord by your side. Ladies? I wish that God would have brought me someone like you into my life so I could have someone to love. Not enough is said for the part that you wives play in the life of the man behind the Pulpit. I can tell you this....without you....our batteries would run dry and so would our ministry for the Lord. Our God knows that about you ladies. Please pray for me. I have become depressed, lonely and am loosing hope (you see? Pastors are human). Two important things are gone from my life...someone to love and my ministry. God bless you ladies. We need you in the ministry.

Amala 9/19/2008 I AM A PASTORS WIFE TOO LONELY IN LIFE.

Abena 10/7/2008 I thank you all for sharing your heartfelt situations. It has given me comfort today. I am newly married to a Pastor. I am 42 years old and the majority of his congregation is in their late 60s and up. we have several women who are trying to control the church and I have to say that the church has suffered through some bad experiences with other Pastors. needless to say, I get the rolling of the eyes, the mumbled comments, I am gossiped about behind my back and now it is said that I am not to be trusted with no confrontation to me at all. i did confront the situation with the one woman I adore and who I trust dearly. Of course the gossip went to her to put a wedge between me and my only friend there. These women are vicious and with all my heart I wish we could leave the church. My daughter is 7 and she is with me and wonders why the women treat me so. My son who is 19 wants to leave and is highly agitated (putting it mildly) that these women treat me so and continue to do so all the while expecting service from me. before I got there when we were dating, they worked now I am set up and clean up crew while they comment about me missing afternoon meetings, well maybe they should come down and help clean up so I can go up and hear the afternoon services. I AM FRUSTRATED! I AM ANGRY! I AM HURT!!! I feel as if everything about me has fallen under condemnation and I am overwhelmed in our personal lives with blending a family, newly married, moving in together and living together, homeschooling my daughter, trying to help my child through nursing school and I feel like pulling my hair out! Where did the support in a church go????? Ugh!! Help me please! I hope I can find my way back to this site.

peace 10/8/2008 Dear sisters in the Lord, I am in a mix. I need a piece of advice. How can a pastor's wife resolve a relational conflict between her and another pastor's wife whose (both wive's) husbands pastor in the same local church? It has been an on going silent war (conflict) but very violent on the inside. May God speak wisdom and through you.

h.a 10/10/2008 why is it that christian organisations do not help each others especially those in the house of faith.

Mrs. A. 10/11/2008 Yes, I have a question of concern about my situation. First of all thank God for this site. It is encouraging to know that I am not alone. My husband has been in the ministry for five years, just this year he bacame the Assist. Pastor. Here's the thing. Tell me if I am wrong or not, but I believe that when God called my spouse to preach, I am to support him in the ministry and also do the work God has called me to do, but at the end of the day, as partners in marriage and ministry, shouldn't it all conncet to build up the body of Christ? My husband made a statement one Sunday, over the pulpit, and stated to the congregation that he was addressing me (his wife) letting me know that he has to do the mission God has placed him on and noone or nothing is going to come between that and he alos stated that some people he meet, and talk with in bringing them to Christ, he said that there are some things he can't tell me becasue I wouldn't understand! I would never come between what God has instructed my husband to do as long as my husband is beaing led my the Holy Spirit and not of himself! the thing that upset me is he said that we cannot have jealousy in our heart and do the work of the ministry. Then, our Pastor, leader of the church said (over the pulpit) addressing me " Sis. God has your husband on a mission and you are going to be a pastor's wife someday, and if you can't handle it now, you wont' be able to handle it when he bcomes a pastor" We've been through a lot up until this point and there is a trust issue on both ends, but the way it was addressed, I disagree. It wasn't done in decently and in order. The Bibelinstructs us to edify, encourage one another in love. It's not our place to expose anyone. ends. On my part a little insecure issues. I 've been praying fot deliverance in this area over my life. I realize in the ministry my husband will be in contact with women and men alike. We are to work together as one, respect and honor one another. There's so much more, but I don't want to be any loner, just pray for my strength in this area. Becasue in a marriage, communication has to be the key....help

nancy wambui gichia kago 10/25/2008 i am married to a pastor and also live in kenya E. africa.The pastor feels it is okey. In Africa, pastors home is open to church members who come without notice. My question is how do i deal with church who come to stay in our house eldlesly. Sometimes, we barely have enough to eat and i feel ashamed to let this youth know that the pastor also lacks.I feel like they put presssure on us as we are unable to be ourselves by keep a front for them.

gladys estadilla 11/9/2008 Inquiry: Help me have a bible reference that tells, we as a pastor's wife need to interceed with our husband.

PW in TEXAS 11/13/2008 I am very happy to have found this site. I have been a pw for 4 yrs. and it has not been easy. I feel very lonely most of the time. I have been a christian all my life and I loved going to church sing, play the piano if needed and be an active member in my church. But i feel sad and cry when i find my self not wanting to go to church. I do my best and pray to have the strength and desire in my heart to support my husband needs. I just find it so difficult at times. He has a full time job we have 3 kids i work and i feel like everything i ever wanted has disappeared. It has help me reading this site i relate to many of the situations and i have found confort to know that i am not the only one that feels this way at times. Pray for me i am knew in this and i honestly want to do the right thing and serve god with all may heart. Love you all for sharing your experiences and dificulties with others it does help for us that are just starting in the ministry.

FranW 11/28/2008 I too am a pastor's wife. I married my Sunday School Youth teacher and my friend. I wish I had enough space and time to share my testimony. We were married in May of 1962 and our first child came in April of 1963. My husband left for Bible School when our daughter was only five months old. I was employed and sometimes finances were tough, but we made it by the grace of God. He graduated and we went to our first pastorate after our second child was born. I continued to work. It was bitter sweet in the ministry. Yes, we had good members and challenging members but God helped us through. There were times when the tithes and offerings were so small that if I did not work we could not have made have made it. My husband later went into the evangelistic ministry. Yes, we were with a denomination and No, they did not call him to preach within the denomination. No, he did not do anything wrong but they just did not ask him to minister. I continued to work and took care of my four children. He preached whereever he could and ministered in homes. Yes, church people treat you just about the same in almost every country that you live. I was living in Jamaica, West Indies during all of this. In 1973, we migrated to the United States. The treatment in the United States is almost the same as in Jamaica. Some preachers don't even recognize you as a part of the Body of Christ. So much for that. My husband pursued secular work while he tried to plant churches whereever we went. I sought the Lord to guide me to a profession that I could use to subsidize his job as we work together. He led me to teaching. I have been teaching in the public school system now for 22 years. I am planning on retiring and hope to give all my time to the work of the Lord for the rest of my days. Yes, it has been bitter sweet in the ministry, as I said before. The rewards for working for the Lord is great. Peter once asked the Lord what were the rewards and He told Peter that we will receive four-fold blessings in this life and eternal life after death. What a joy. Let's consider it so much joy when we encounter difficulties being a preacher's wife. Think of other people outside of Christ and what they go through without having the blessings of the Lord. Ladies, Sisters, Fellow Pastor's Wives and Future Pastor's Wives we are blessed with a calling that no man can take away from us. You are in my prayers and in my heart and more so in the Hands of the Lord. Signed - Sister Wyndham Saved for 50 years Married for 46 years Pastor's Wife for 43 years and loving the bitter and the sweet. - God bless you all.

First Lady Bar 12/25/2008 questions--How do we as Pastors wives continue to deal with infidelity, we pray and want the best for our husbands but if this issue continues to come up how should we deal with it, it can really take a toll on you because you want to protect your family, and you don't want to face the embarrasment it brings, but at the same time it really attacks your self esteem, expecially if your husband is the only man you ever been with. What do you suggest?

Peg 12/29/2008 My husband has been in the Air Force for 20 years, we have had the privilige of living in Japan, United Kingdom, Montana (my home) and Denver. On a recent trip home, my husband who is an associate minister was offered the position of Pastor in the Church we attended in Montana. My husband can get out of the military in August, I have a very fulfilling career and was just offered a promotion. Although my family is in MT and it is where God really prepared us for ministry here in Denver, we really never wanted to go back to Montana. I am mature enough in my Christian walk to understand it is not about me my wants, my career, my comfort - but Gods plan - my husband and I are praying about this decision. I'm just asking for prayer.

Jackie 12/30/2008 My husband is the pastor of a very small congregation. My problem is that I am totally overlooked as the pastor's wife in every way possible by those who claim to be leaders. Most recently, he was presented with a late Christmas gift in front of the congregation and there was no acknowledgment of me as the pastor's wife when the gift was presented. Only his name was on the card and I was not any way mentioned even though I was only a few feet away in the choir loft. Should I confront those who leave me out or just let it go. I am extremely hurt as this is only one of a long series of slights. I am not a new ministry wife and I need any advice I can get. Please help!!!!

Ann 1/3/2009 How do I encourage my ladies during a church split?

Jewel 1/3/2009 I hope that I reach some poor woman that is dealing with what I am so that she does not feel like she is the "only one" that has a problem. I know that my husband is truly a man of God and I believe in his call, but he has to understand some things about what he is asking God for. He is well studied, and now we are just waiting on the word from God to move into the next phase of ministering. But, there are some things that need to be addressed by my husband and me. First, he has been ill and waiting on the doctors to make a decision about his health. I know that he is tired of our situation, and so am I. He seems to have let himself go more and more over the past year. He was raised by his dear old grandmother who did not have the best hygiene habits. So, he took all of his habits from her. During our 33 year marriaige , I have had to teach him so much of how to take care of himself, and it was not bad at first because I knew his upbringing, but now, I am not so young and tolerant as I was. He has never liked to brush his teeth, and he always has something hanging out of his nose, and gets very irritated when I have to let him know to wipe his nose. He is a person that has big lips and he breaths through his mouth, and sometimes, he just sits with his mouth hung open and drools down his shirt. The smell is very bad when I hug him or even get a little close to him. He has gained so much weight he can't even breath very well. He has never been an attractive man, and we both have gained weight, but, he doesn't look good at all in anything I buy him, and the sizes keep going up. He is eating out of his frustration and has low self esteem. He wants a church, but now the churches want a person that is consience of their overall care no matter how well they preach or how much they know. I want to talk to him about it but, I feel that it will hurt rather than help our situation. I pray for us, and I pray for the ministry, but we have to start somewhere doing all that we can to help ourselves. God needs fit people to teach his people about every aspect of living a good and rightious life. Please pray for us. I know that we are in God's plan and that he has a plan for us, we just need to discipline ourselves to receive it.

1/5/2009 I first want to THANK GOD ALMIGHTY for finding this site. I was able to relate to many of the women on this site. I really thought that I too was alone in a world full of family (natural & spiritial). I learned the very hard way of what it meant to be a pastors wife. When my husband first became pastor it was at first a living heaven until the members disagreed with you and it turned into a nightmare. My children were picked on by lay member, ministers, other children, and were even being set up in bad situations where my children turned out to be "The Bad One". Secrets that I shared with the ministoral staff leaked. My home was scruitinzed. Women would approach my husband with inapproiate problems (like periods) instead of consulting with myself or the Elder Women of the church. I was included in lies and confusion. Then my husband was too tired to even watch TV with me anymore. Putting more time in church and not in me or if not me then what about my son or his daughter. Well I can tell you that I now have some peace. I read about some of you who said that you cannot confide in your members and I would like to stress it too. DO NOT CONFIDE IN YOUR CHURCH MEMBERS. Now when I say confide I mean DO NOT TELL THEM THINGS YOU DONT WANT REPEATED. TRUST ME. Your fellings WILL get hurt. I have learned to just tell God and ask him for justification. He is my justifier and every time, I mean every time, he justifed me. Now if it was my fault, like a little gossip about one of our members, or a negative attitude towards someone, or an agreement to a situation that I should not have spoken about, then I took it with patience until my season was over and gain wisdom from it but if it was not my fault then God made sure I was justified. I told my children to never under no circumstances tell anyone what goes on in our home, even if the two of them got into a fight or if they were mad at my husband and I. We were to work it out when we got home. Sometimes I took the wrong for the right to keep my children at peace and asked God to correct the situation, and to give me Peace as well. Also please NEVER, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE, share negative information about church members to your children. My husband and I dont even talk about church members when the children are around. Good or bad. When we want to talk about business concerning the church while the children are home we go to the driveway and sit in the car when they are sleep at night, because their little ears MAY NOT be as sleep as we tend to believe they are. Believe me when I say this that it will turn their hearts away from God when they hear thing about members in the church and it will take all the God given breath of prayer out of you and your hubby to pray them back to God. They will Hate the church and not trust the church in life. Believe me they will get all the gossip they need from their little friends in church and usually they will forget this growing up just like we did as kids or teenagers. But when your children hear it from you we have to understand that this is LAW to them so they carry it with them throughout their lives. This all took practice, and practice and practice. I fast at least one day a week, sometimes more but I make sure it is at least 1 day a week. I first started my fast from 12midnight until 12noon, then up it from 12midnight to at least 4pm. I am usually asleep at 12midnight so it was just surviving from the time I woke up until the end of the day. I pray every night before I go to bed. When I wake up every morning I Read a scripture and say a short prayer during the midday along the lines of "Lord forgive me for my sins that you may hear my prayer and I pray that you give me wisdom on what I am to do for the rest of the day and peace while I am doing it." Usually my midday prayer is when I'm in my car going somewhere and I'm at the stop light. And most of the time when I'm at the stop light I would just say "Thank you Jesus". Whatever I can russel up. Having PEACE is so important for me because I usually feel like giving up because my emotional needs are not being met. Yep I said it. I want FRIENDS. And close ones like the ones I use to have in school. That is not reality in your church. You may have close friends but let them be not in the church. Sometimes I feel like my husband is always beomg told the nice things that he is doing and I am always overlooked or seems as if I am insignificant. Prayers are usually for the Pastor only and my children and myself are usually always not mention. I learned to overlook this as I am not the Pastor and Thank God for That. I had to ask God to remove the church members from that place in my heart where I should have had God because I was always so hurt over what the church members said and did. I do know that God allowed me to become a Pastors wife for a reason. It was not by chance that a city girl is now a rural pastors wife. I have God's gift of hospitality. I had so much hate and bitterness in my heart that I did not even realize that I had this gift. I allowed myself to be used as a tool for the devil. Just like he did with EVE. I took a bite of the fruit and now I can see. But what I am seeing are not from the eyes of God but with evil eyes. Eyes of unforgiveness, hate, bitterness, hurt, offence. The bible tells me that I should forgive my neighbor and not be offended. Sometimes I don't like when people quote me the word because I live with the word(HUBBY) but I found my deliverence in the word of God. So I began to operate in the gift of hospitality and BOOM. I was at peace at what I have done for God. I had to make sure it was done for God and not for people to say "WOW WHAT A NICE JOB" but that God was pleased and it was a notch for my name in the lambs book of life, or another jewel in my crown. That's when I learned the secret of NO EXPECTATION. I dont expect absolutely no pats on my back or head from others or even that they appreciated what I have done. As long as I knew that Jesus was smiling in heaven at me for doing it then I was at PEACE. This way when I did get a nice comment from the church then I was not disappointed. It was a nice treat for someone to recognize it but not my joy. I spend a lot of time with communication with other pastors wives and a dear friend who is now saved but lives in another state I went to school with. I have shared a load of secrets with them and let me tell you that not one has got out. I dont even think they remember 1/2 of what I told them. LOL. I started to spend more time with my hubby by watching those boring WWI & WWII documentaries, football games, boxing matches etc he likes. YUCK,YUCK,YUCK. And even ask him about the cars cause I know he can ramble for hours about it. As long as it was not about the church. He can now stomach conversations of my personal interest. I usually add his interest too. Example. "Hey hon, I saw a nice dress at the mall and did you know they had a car on display." It was to just at least get the conversation going. Then he would say, did you know what kind of car it was and I would say, Let's go see. YES.... and sometimes No. But sometimes YES. We are shopping together. I try not to stay too long but we are there. I try to find family outing that are close to his interest and we usually end up doing almost all of the things I wanted to do. It does not always end up like this but at least we are communicating and he is not at the church, talking about church, and what the next event is at church, and church, church, church. We have had so many problems that I had to suffer but with God's wisdom I have learned how to live not only in PEACE but in Happiness. I was so miserable, tired and disgusted; especially when I was pregnant and Thank God I am delivered. Now don't get me wrong, Everyday comes new problems and I am still learning wisdom on how to deal with them everyday. If I was not having problems then my marriage would be perfect and I would love to meet the Pastors Wife who never has problems and have Prefected every area of her life, mental state, family and church. Until then, I will live by God's loving kindness and grace who by his strength keeps my sanity every day no matter what comes up. I love you all and pray that God's peace be with you.

Trinny 1/9/2009 My heart goes out to all my fellow PW's. So many of you I'd like to talk to one on one, because we all seem to have so much in common. If anyone would like an ear, and would like to talk one on one a while, please feel free to email me. Ask Rock Dove for the email address.

blessed 1/10/2009 I can relate to Victory,my husband got the calling to be a pastor ,and im very happy the way god has blessed him and totally transformed his life from a drug addicted alcoholic to a faithfull servant for Gods Work,like you im feeling a little neglected and guilty for feeling this way,especially since i know what God took him out of.

irene 1/15/2009 I have been a pastor's wife for 25 years now and the expectation of me is still that I should be 'Miss I know everything' is it really possible - want to come to a point that I believe I am a christian but live my own life out of fear of what the 'public' will say.

ginger 1/17/2009 Question- My husband has been pastor of his home church for almost a year. Most of the people there are family and friends. Some call him Pastor and some call him by his nickname, they say they have to get used to calling him Pastor. But only about 3 people call me Sis. or First Lady. How can I get them to call me Sister or First Lady without sounding rude.

Shawna 1/26/2009 I am a fairly new PW and it seems like all of the women that are coming into the church are beautiful! THen my husband is being a father figure some some teenage girls and their mothers are single. The teen girls are only around when both he and I are together. He would never be alone with them cause he knows how society is and he just has rules to protect his ministry. I really respect him becuase he lives what he preaches. I know him well and he is greatly respected by many. BUT, I feel insecure about my relationship because men and women and children call him for guidance and advice all the time and I know that some women are not always who they seem to be. Some women are beautiful!

Lady's Day 1/30/2009 Hello my fellow pastor wives! So glad to find this site! I have read a lot of your entries and my heart is moved by all of you. Tonight I began, after 19 years of being "1st Lady" to feel overwhelmed by ministry! Married 23 years to a successful Pastor and businessman, the weight of Glory is taking its toll on me. My husband started the church 19 years ago with 5 family members. We built from the ground up, so you know we have been through hardships. It has not always been easy. Our son is now 18 and getting ready for college, he is gifted in music and is currently serving as our church musician. He is sometimes discouraged by how the saints of God act. At 18, I can't cover for them, because he has come to his own conclusions. So far, he is dedicated to his fathers' church and I have to thank God for that. Needless to say, I pray alot for guidance so that I can be a good example in my home and church. In 1999 God called me to do a work for him and my husband allows me to minister at the church also! I appreciate God for allowing me this opportunity to serve him in this way! All my strength comes from God...and I give him glory! I have been through a lot in my marriage, in the church and in my personal walk with God! I am 50 years old and a cancer survior! As I minister his Word and do the will of God, I find my strength renewed in Him. Most things you wrote about on this site, I've been through but God has allowed me to have a successful marriage. Usually, when I feel like I felt earlier tonight, I have noone naturally to talk to, but God allowed me to find this site and I am writing to reach out to younger pastor wives that I may be able to be a blessing to! You certainly have been a blessing to me! May God empower the Pastor Wives Everywhere....We are all surviors for the sake of Kingdom Building!

Grace 2/3/2009 This is our 9th year at this church (I met my husband when he was a Pastor, so PW 12 years total) I just found out one of my close friends in the church has left, I was almost the last to find out as she kept giving excuses as to why she had not been coming. I asked her why over the phone, she did not give a reason. I emailed her, she said she couldn't tell me all the reasons. I told her I loved her & would not stop being her friend, told her this was sad for me etc. She sent back a one line response that completely ignored everything I said. Short version - but I feel betrayed (not that other friends haven't left because they didn't like the flower arrangement etc.) The way this was handled is different. Even after she left, she would say how much she loved the church, she would never leave etc. Basically lies. How do I respond in a God- honoring way? Do I drop it, respond with a one-line nice email, try a 4th time to talk? Please help!

Les 2/22/2009 I have been a pastor's wife for 5 years. I cannot believe all the unhappy PW's that are out there. I have my weeks but most of you it's a life sentence. We have 2-3 families in our church that are destructive but the love and support we get is astounding. I have one lady who gossips nonsense about me and others. The Bible clearly tells me to avoid her...so I do. I'm nice if we have to work along side each other but other than that...nothing. We have ppl who like where they are in their walk with God. They think it's ok if hey stay home to cut the grass because it's the only day they have instead of going to church. I can let all the every day phooey get me down but they are God's ppl...not mine and they will be held accountable one day for what they did and didn't do with His Son. My husband is wonderful and fun & committed to God first, his family second and the church 3rd. I never feel I have to fight for his attention. He stands up for me if I am being wronged and encourages me and compliments me. Sure I have been hurt by ppl in the church but in Romans it tells me to not let evil get the best of me but to conquer by doing good. Kill em with kindess...sure it's hard. It would be a lot more fun to let em have it. It all comes down to doing what God asks for us. We know we will have to face persecution...we just dont expect it to be from ppl in our church family. I will pray for you. My heart goes out to the one who says she feels like she was a better christian before becoming a Pastor's wife. I sometimes struggle with the busyness of 3 small kids, etc. that I'm not living my best "Christian life" either. My prayers at time seem quicker, more pleading and at times just not knowing what to pray for. My Bible reading usually happens waiting for a kids to come out of school, during a girl scout meeting, or t-ball practice. But that's the amazing thing about God...we don't have to be in church sitting in a pew, or at the dinner table to spend time with God. We can take Him with us and you don't need any equipment to pray. Just a willing heart & an eagerness to serve & follow Him!

sz 3/2/2009 How do you handle a situation where your husband is a pastor and when he gets upset with you personally uses his position as a minister and removes you from your ministry to children? -- where you feel God has called you to work in the church? He makes himself to look so wonderful to the congregation and positions the wife as the problem although he is both physically and mentally abusive at home.

Montgomery 3/6/2009 How would you deal with a member who quit coming, and who's daughter is the only one communicating with your family, through your own children? I have been told through my child that this member does not mind the church, or preaching of my husband but does not like me because I am not "supose to talk that way or act that way". This confuses me because I am not speaking doubt, gossiping, fault finding or anything of sin. I am not "Upity" to anyone, I believe myself to be nice and caring. I do always try to go out of my way for people, I pray for them, joke with the church members, hug them, love them. That is what God called me to do. I don't want her to go to hell sitting at home steaming about something I may have said or done. We must be forgiving of our brethren to go to heaven, and I am worried for her. Can someone help me come up with a way to speak to her? I am praying that God go before me, and have her heart ready to hear what I have to say, but the last thing I want to do it push her father away from me, and church and God. This lady is a good lady, a family woman who when she came to our church told me that she was so happy God lead her to a place where the people of God were just that, and that I was not "stuck up and rude" like the other pastor's wives she has met. *you never know what people think of us, do we*? Anyway, please pray for me and any advise is so needed! Many hugs I pray I have not shut the door for her in our church. God bless you.

NURSEG 3/8/2009 My husband and I started a church 4 yrs ago after the Lords then He opened up land to build a beautifull worship center. Im so thankfull but also so hurt and cant get over it at the moment. I trust my husband but Im so hurt. I never seen the plans for the church, he nevers dicusses things with me, the church has been painted and decorated and I have not even as so much been allowed to say anything or even have any in put in it at all. Im hurt at my spouse and need help and pray to get over this. do you have any words of wisdom to help me.

Feeling a bit weary 3/16/2009 My husband and I have been pastoring for the past 11 years. My husband and I are both in our early 40's. We have been fortunate to raise 3 saved now college aged-young adults while in the ministry. When we first began the ministry it was very difficult dealing with my insecurities with being a Pastor's wife, and all that comes with it. However, after the first two years I really understood that loving God, his people and growing in my faith, God's women and assisting my husband was God's plan for me. Consequently, with all that being said I almost feel that I'm back to square one. I'm tired, frustrated, lonely, void of romanced, and angry. I don't have a question but please ppray but please pray for me in this season of life.

Kee Kee 3/16/2009 Blessed to find this site. Have a need for friendship from other pastor's wives who understand the rigors of the ministry. Thank you for being here.

Lordlover 3/24/2009 Hello Ladies, It is encouraging and discouraging all at the same time to read and realize that I am not alone in my PW situations! Thank you all for your words woes and words of joy. We are all just experiencing "the world" some on a small scale some on a much larger scale. Our world is in a downward spiral and we shouldn't be surprised that our churches are as well. Our work is real and valuable and so desparetely needed!!! My husband has been in the ministry since 2000. I am 44 and we have five children. The Lord has blessed us and I try daily to focus on the positives in this life. If I counted the negatives of my husband let alone the church, I would have been divorced a long time ago and would have run away from being a PW! I have read many of the intries within this site and I have to agree 1)stay in the word 2)stay in prayer 3)sing praises to the Lord and 4) focus on all the positives. Leave the negatives to the Lord! Hard but valuable!!! Love and comfort and prayers to all of you : )

Bridget Kalengo 4/14/2009 It's my first time to join you.I am a pastors wife and have just ten years experienc in ministry with my precious husband. Let's communicate and share the experiences.

jennifer 4/19/2009 I'm not responding, just asking for prayer. My husband and I have been in ministry since 1985. The church where he is senior pastor is quite large, and we've been her for 13 years. I can hardly believe it's been 13 years, because I still don't feel at home in thie church! We raised our 4 children here, and somehow we still don't feel we "belong" in this church "family." We've been seeking a change from the Lord and nothing has materialized. Isn't it tragic that some of us need to stay anonoymous?! I'll check back. Maybe someday I'll give my email address. Just looking for a pat on the back and prayers.

blessed 4/23/2009 I have been a Pastors wife for 12 years and I love God with all my heart,but a this time I am feeling so lonely almost depressed, I was always taught that it is God first then family and then minisitry then why do so many Pastors family suffer and we always here that PK are the worst kids and thats because their fathers are always so involved in everyone else life and not theres I have been married for 23 year gone through several affairs ( that my husband was involved in) the last on destroyed the church so we had to relocated we are now pastoring another church were we don't really know anyone and my husband is already on the phone 24/7 which I know is mostly gossip about all the mess going on in the church at this point I am just about ready to throw in the towel and see what else God has for me. because I know God let me go through all that I have gone through for a reason but I am tired of being married feeling like a single parent.

Pastors wife 4/26/2009 I am so frustrated. I just had baby #6 a few months ago. Kids ages 10, 8, 6, 4, 21 months and 3 months. I am always late for Sunday School because my husband goes to church early we have 2 services. I am very organized and I don't waste time but it is really hard to get everyone ready there on time all by myself. Well the senior pastor confronted my husband (the associate pastor) about it. He said it hurts my husbands ministry and integrity that I get the kids to church late. I am so sad and upset about this. HELP!

Shalom 4/27/2009 I am a pastor wife in London. The church we worship have 4 pastors but every thing is under control by the elders. My husband has been ordained after 12 years serving the lord the same church. coming to my question I am serving under him department in womens and family. But I recently heard that as I am his wife I shoud not serve my mastor under his department and it realy shocking me. In a way how come from mature elders such a reason will be given? I know this is my passion nothing can stop me. But can such thing is happen some where? Just to let you know I am not paid or looking to be paid. Pray for God's fever in my life I have a wonderful husband and three kids

Ann B 4/30/2009 I am a minister's wife for about 5 years. My husband and I are part of a large congregation, but I can identify with the loneness that so many of the women wrote about, I have no mentor, the relationships we have stays at church, except for once in a far dinings. There is no one that I feel comfortable enough to share with as a good friend. I have a sister who is close to me, but I do not share personal issues with her since she is not a committed christian, and still have worldly ideas.I have so many things on my mind, that I would like to talk about but there is no one to talk to. my husband is always busy with work or ministry and when he comes up to bed it' very late, and I'm tired. Please Pray for me, some times I am just tired.

Brenda 5/1/2009 Hi, I am a Pastor's wife and I need help. My husband is very verbally abusive towards me. He uses the fowlest language imagineable when he is upset with me. When he is angry over something I have said or done that has not made him happy he can stay that way for weeks, then I have to tip toe around him in order not to anger him more. He will ignore me and when he does talk to me he will make me feel less than a human being. The people in our congregation do not know this because on Sunday he stands infront of them with a smile on his face talling them how good God is. I have lost all respect for my husband. Also about two months ago I had a Holy Spirit hunch to check my husband's computer. I was frozen and shaking when I found out that he had been watching filthy degrading porn. I confronted him about it and at first he denied it and said that I was crazy trying to blame him for something which is all in my head. About a week later he admited it and all he then said "well am I supposed to apologise to you now?" when I said yes, he said "ok, sorry" that was the extent of his apology. I am not allowed to say anything more about this becasue according to him the matter has been dealt with. Well I still feel deeply hurt about it and I have no one that I can talk to because if this ever came out in our church, he would surely loose his job. I have checked his computer again after that, but now he is aware and he will make sure that he removes all traces of wrong websites that he visits, so I cannot say for sure that he has stopped. Although I think he has because while he was watching the porn, I noticed a distinct change in his behaviour although at the time I could not put my finger on it. The worst is the emotional and verbal abuse that I endure on a regular basis. He regularly tells me that I am the bigest mistake he ever made. That he should never have married me. He tells me that he hates me and the when he wants to get close to me when I am cold and unresposive he cannot understand it. Yes I know that I am supposed to pray and believe God, but I am just so tired at the moment, I feel that I am drowning in loneliness and rejection. Sometimes I don't even know if I can believe in my own ability to pray. I can't even go to my Pastor to pray for me like someone who was just a church member could. I have been married for 21 years and on our 21st anniversary my huband told me that he did not even want to remember that day because it was the bigest mistake of his life. From the very first year that we were married my husband has been telling me that I am no good, useless and that our marriage is a failure. 21 years later, I feel like that worthless person he has been naming me and my marriage feels like it may never come right. I need a MIRACLE and I need for my husband's eyes to open so that he may see how much damage he is doing with his words. No person will believe me when I tell them when my husband is like behind closed doors because he is always so friendly, positive and encouraging to others. He's he best friend, best Pastor, best everything. But little to they know.

Hope 5/3/2009 I was originally going to ask a fairly simple question about my husbans role in funeral etiquette but I think that can wait. As I read the question from Shawna earlier this year I feel compelled to say something. Firstly, there will always be someone who is prettier, but that does not mean more loving to your husband. Secondly, I would encourage you to encourage your husband to have an accountability person so that if anyone was ever to accuse him of some wrong doing that he has some type of support system. ie - my husband always lets the secretary know if there is a woman in his office, and whenever possible keeps the door open. Thirdly, an most importantly, I Corinthians 13:7 - in talking about love it says It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I am sure you love and trust your husband but maybe not so much some of the other ladies in your congregation...maybe the Lord is trying to teach you to love them as well with the protectivness, trusting, hopefullness for their lives as well. But please hear me to say that does not mean you should turn a blind eye if you do see inappropriateness on their part. I say all this knowing it takes time to see things with a fresh outlook....believe me I know. But I know too that it is when we look to Him for answers and change He will grant it through His word and prayers. I hope you do receive this message at some point even though a response is many months later.

Maria 5/6/2009 I've been in full time ministry for 12 years now. I've enjoyed working side by side with my husband. We are the senior pastors of a small church with very few people. Things are beginning to change with new people joinning our church and new ministries being born. It's very exciting-the problem is I have had an issue with a particular woman in our church. I have grown very close to her and consider her almost a best friend. She is my prayer partner and I love her like a sister. The problem is for the past three years, there has been moments that I feel somthing is not right when she is near my husband. My heart feels like its in my stomach when I enter a room and their standing together. My husband is a handsome and sweet man. He loves to talk to people. But I see this beauiful blond haired 5ft.6, legs up to her neck, blue-eyed, dolly parton breast woman near my husband and I freak! Everytime I look around, it seems she is with my husband.She seems to enjoy talking and laughing with him alot. I have spoken to him about how I feel and he dosen't know what to say. I really feel she enjoys flirting with my husband and really seeks attention (ANYTHING) from him. I don't think she is after an affair-but I do think she wants to ocntinue flirting with him. Should I do anthing about this? Or should I confront this desprate housewife?

FB 7/11/2009 Sometimes things go off for a reason. In the former chruch that i was in there was a sister that I alway sought out and greeted after services. We were on very good terms. She left the church (back slid)but came back after a few years. When she came off I had that same "gut feeling" when she was around my husband. She was always giving him harmless compliments, but in my spirit something wasn't right. After mentioning my concern to him, he suggested that I was overeacting. Weeks later he told me that she said that she loved him more than his wife did. This is when he listened! If you have any suspicion don't nag be prayerful and watch. You can also pray her away. That's what i did with someone else and after some time (2 weeks) it worked. The effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth much. You can also ask God to seperate you and that sister. Prayer changes things!

heartofaz 5/7/2009 Where to start? I've read so many of these entries and what concerns me the most is the children. My 16 yo son has been requesting not to go to church more 7 more lately. He sees how I am treated and he is volunteered by his dad, the pastor, to help people with everything from moving to yard work to getting into a crawl space in 100 degree weather to install insulation for a perfectly capable man. We homeschool so we are "not doing anything anyhow"! How can I protect my children from being used and falling away because of all the hypocrisy they live around?

Jones 5/14/2009 My husband has been pastoring for the past 7 years but we have been in this ministry for 2. We are a small church with 30 members. I assist in every aspect of the ministry, such as bible study, sunday school, youth minister, youth choir, evangelism, missionary etc. I don't mind because I know this is all for God's kingdom, but I'm begining to get discourage because of the complaining and talking behind my back from some of the members. I want to continue to help and know that God has called me in support of this ministry but I feel like I'm all alone in this battle and I just want to step back and see what happens. Please advise with what ever you can. Thanks

Elva 5/18/2009 This is a wonderful board. It's such a relief to know that I'm not alone.

bnb 5/21/2009 ' am a PW since 2007. we have a son and i'm expecting another one. i just want to expose my feelimgs. from the beginning of our marriage, he started to ''educate'' myself in a new person. he wants me to think like him, to agree with him in any concern, never say no to his suggestions. he wants me to be involve in the church and by the same time shut my mouth. he elected people to help him and when they failed, it's because i didn't do my part. he choose some people and when i give him my opinion he make understanstand that he had done it by revelations. from monday to saturday he is gone from 7am to 9pm, praying for people while my son and i have to keep the house. he said that i don't know his needs because we don't pray together. that i don't pray for him because he wants to see me with a big bible all day long yelling and screaming in tongeus for him. we don't go anywhere except for my medical visit or the grocery shopping if he finds times. he installed a prayer chain by conference from 5am to 6am where every member of the church pray together. if at this time i have decided to pray alone he his furious. sometimes i can't even talk to him the last time i tried i regret it. that day, he told everything he feels about my lackeness to help him in the ministry and even in the bed, when i started to speak he yelled at me that i have to accept what he had told and try to repent and change my behaviour. i feel really lonely and wondered if it's my place. i don't have any friend or any shoulder to cry on.please help me.

stuck 5/26/2009 I've been married to the Senior Pastor for three years; and all of them we have been in full time ministry. He has been verbally abusive and controlling. It has been somewhat physical with him holding me down by my hands. Well yesterday it took on a whole new meaning. He was in a rage and took the remote and throw it at me, shattering it to pieces when he hit the wall after I ducked. He then came close to my face and put his hands in my face and grabbed my arms. When I got loose I started fighting back and grabbed me and pushed me into our wooden stairs. My arm has been hurting. It hurts to move it and I have a lump and tenderness. I'm afraid of him. I don't know what he'll do. I don't trust him. I'm afraid he might do something to hurt me. I was in an abusive marriage for eight years and he almost took my life. For me I want it to be over. Do you think I should move out. I think it's a good idea. Please help me!

grace 5/28/2009 i am a pastor's wife and i know him to be a mighty man of God. But just recently i known himm to be talking with a single sister a lot on the phone.But when we at church they don't have a lot to say.Also he was out of town and called her at 2 am and talked for an hour. Shouild i be concerner? I asked about it and he said she had a crise but when i said it was inaprpriate and we should all meet to address it he dismissed it.

at a crossroads 5/30/2009 My husband started a church 3 years ago. We are still very small with a great vision. Being that the church is not able to support us full time, my husband still coaches and teaches. This year, however, he feels God is calling him to full time ministry while working with another christian organization to supplement income. I, on the other hand, am terrified. I know that we are to trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding, but I just feel like I didn't sign up for this. I do not feel called into any ministry - I never have. When we married, we were church members, that's it. I miss those days. I guess what I am asking is, 1) how do you support you husband in doing something that is going to directly effect our family's finances (we have two young children) and 2) how do I support my husband's ministry when I do not feel called to be a pastor's wife at all? Please hear my heart. I love this man. I am just not so in love with his calling. This is such a lonely place. I feel like I can't talk to anyone. If I talk to my husband, I don't want to discourage him. And I can't talk to family or friends because I don't want them to judge him. Advice? Thanks.

kris 7/13/2009 I found your post to be very close to my heart as I feel the same way. We are in our 2nd year of F/T ministry and it's the hardest thing ever. I love him - not his calling. He was a non- believer until about 9 years ago. He is a wonderful preacher/pastor, but I don't know if I have it in me. The congregation can be brutal to folks who are TRYING to love them. Anyway, I will be praying for you as you seek to love and support your husband. May God bless pastor wives!

Sam in OK 6/1/2009 I used to read the PW Board often, but it was so depressing and reminded me so much of what was going on in my life that I stopped. I just came back to let you know that I have a renewed committment to pray for each and every one of you. My husband has been in full-time ministry for 10 years, and that's when my nightmare began. Soon, we will have our 28th wedding anniv. and I, for one, am not looking forward to it. I feel like the epitomy of hypocrisy! Smiling in people's faces as they celebrate something that I've literally hated ever since going into ministry. I also turn 50 this year...yippee. It takes every ounce of energy I have just to go to church. To watch my "anointed" husband preach and tell people so many things for them to do that he would never do. I gave my life to the Lord when I was young, and not because anyone made me go to church. My parents didn't even get saved until after I was grown, and never before in my life have I felt so confused about what I'm actually here for. So I decided, that if I'm not here for anything else, it's to pray for all of you. Particularly that you and I will have the courage to endure to the end.

Sam in OK 6/2/2009 Father, I thank You for every family represented on the Board. We are all on the Front Lines, and I thank you that just as you called Gideon a mighty man of valor, a champion, so You have also called these Pastor's Wives. I thank you that they are strengthened on today. That the eyes of their understanding is continuing to be enlightened toward the "Call" that You've called them to. I thank you Lord, that even as You've called their husbands to be the heads of church ministries, so you have called the women to be the SPINE. I thank You that because of these women, that Success, Power, Influence, Notoriety and Excellence will flow throughout the body of Christ as every joint supplies. I bind the spirit of fear from operating in our lives, as well as the spirit of hopelessness, and I thank You now for the refreshing of Your Spirit in our lives on this day. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

crystal 6/2/2009 hello, my name is crystal and I am only 25, and my husband is pastoring our first chruch.We moved from oklahoma to arkansas and I honestly love the church. I take being a pastors wife very very serious. I know God has called me by my husbands side However, being young I am very over welmed and find it hard to be myself. I Love the Lord and I know it only matters what he thinks of me. I feel like everything I do is being watched from keeping the parsonage just so.so to running myself ragged visiting people, directing bible school and cleaning the church and a number of other things somethimes I feel like they hired him so they wouldn't have to do nothing. Everthing I do should be for the lord but I find myself completing task because I feel they expectedt of me, My daughter is only 1 and I want to be a good example to her and I know when I take on to many task I am not helping God, her, or me for that matter.I am very blessed But I am also very stessed and overwelemed anyone have advice?

growing up to be a kid 8/28/2009 Hello Crystal, I read your post about having to do so much at your church. You do not have to do so much. Your ministry is first to your husband and children. God calls a couple to ministry not just the man. If you are married to a Pastor then you are in ministry with him too, but that doesn't mena you have to do it all. Jesus said you ye therefore and make disciples...Matthew 28:19. It is the pastor's duty to make disciples, that means that he teaches them to walk the lifestyle of Jesus Christ and nothing more or less! You and your husband should not have to clean the church, run the daycare of serve the tables...see Timothy. You are to dedicate yourselves to DISCIPLESHIP. Be encourage to teach and instruct...lovingly of course. This should be your husbands priority.

jewel 6/7/2009 Hello, it's been some time since I wrote to the women of God, but I still need your prayers. We are at a point now it seems that God has gotten quiet on us or, we misread all that He told us to do. We are prayerful and waiting on His word for direction. It is tough sometime, but God is worth the wait! We are praying for you, please keep praying for each other and us.

Reaching out 6/10/2009 We are about to file bankruptcy. A lot of bad decisions but mostly just got in over our heads and the credit card companies took advantage and we ended up in a situation we couldn't handle. For two years we've lived without cards and finally have a hold on our lives again. When we honestly approached our bishop and others for decisions about obligations to our congregation we were told they had never dealt with this situation before and they are telling us to call a meeting with the Pastor Parish committee and inform the elders. Our lawyers say its no ones business since it was personal financial problems, I can't believe no other pastors have had to face this but we are being made to feel as if we are truly deficient because we happened to mess up. Even though we are getting things in order I wonder if anyone else out there HAS gone through this and have had to deal with telling elders and deacons.

Cheri 6/20/2009 Don't have anyone that I could honestly open up to that wont judge me for what I might say. Feel like throughing in the towel after raising five children, with three serving the Lord. I just can't take compliments given that make me feel like I'm doing a good job, but at the same time making me feel I still have a ways to go to reach whatever it is I'm suppose to be working towards.This release an impression that I'll never be good enough, this keeps me in the mold of always trying to become someone I believe deep inside I'll never become.I'm feed up with the tight rope act, I have no room for no kind of mistakes whatsoever. You are my last resort, please answer.

pebbles 6/21/2009 My husband has been pastoring,a new church plant which is moving amazingly fast,we are in our 2nd year and already have 5 churches up and going.so i know God is moving and motivating.so i guess my question is why God? I have prayed without an answer found. He seems to always be busy with this meeting or that meeting and when he isn't at meetings he busy with non-stop phone calls.or computer stuff weither it be church stuff or just saying hi to friends. I guess all this can be so tiring because when he isn't busy and at home he is sleeping. well i guess it bothers me so much because we have 3 little kids, and it seems like he has no time for us.he is so busy i can't even get him to take out the trash.i have talked to him about this and he say's that all pastor's are this way! i can't think of the last time he changed a baby diaper.well i guess my question is are all pastor's this busy that they neglect all responsibility at home for the ministry? and i am not even sure that when he gone to all his meeting's it's all just church stuff i have over heard some of the other guy's saying things that make it sound like they are just hanging out. and he say's that is ministry.i understand that ministry takes work but 24 hrs.a day? can anyone give me any advice or help?

Linda 7/16/2009 I am a clergy-wife of over 30 years, and also a PK, so I have spent almost my entire life in the parsonage. We are United Methodists, so we are “sent”, and our appointments ran the gamut from 4 point charge to very large churches. We lived far away from our parents and siblings. Most of the stories here are so familiar- I cried as I read them. I felt at times that the kids and I got “sloppy seconds” from my husband and church members got the best part of him, I have been hated for “doing too much” by those who were jealous of my talents, and criticized for not doing enough when I backed away. I have been betrayed by those whom I believed were friends, ignored by denominational officials (we are invisible to them, you know), and snubbed by other clergy wives. My children were called into service to read scripture, set up tables, attend youth group that did not meet their needs, and “volunteer” for whatever needed to be done. My husband, a true man of God, a fine preacher, and a caring pastor, has been reviled by church members who felt they should receive special treatment or who believed gossip spread by a former disgruntled pastor, and treated like a 2nd class citizen by denominational officials because he did not care about “upward mobility”. When my mother in law and my dad died a day apart in another state, not ONE pastor or District Superintendent (or church member) visited us, brought in food, or even sent flowers to the funerals. My husband finally left the pastorate last year, and is in an appointment beyond the local church- he is director of a faith-based counseling center. I feel the pain of every woman who posted here. I even went back to school to become a counselor to DO SOMETHING for clergy families! One thing I would say to each of you is PLEASE find a professional counselor to talk to. They CANNOT reveal what you say. You can find counselors associated with faith-based communities (such as Presbyterian or Methodist Counseling Centers) but you do not have to be a member of that denom. Most take insurance. Take your spouse. Sign up for a Marriage Enrichment weekend (go to www. Bettermarriages.org). And don’t take “I’m too busy” for an answer. God called your husband to be SPOUSE AND FATHER FIRST, and THEN the pastor of the church. If you are experiencing domestic violence- PLEASE find someone to help you. Now, I have a question for each of you. Other than formal counseling. what kind of ministry would HELP? We have all this pain… it literally POURS out of us… but what do we need and want? WE are a hard group to whom to minister. ClergyCare, a ministry to pastors, tried to start a ministry for clergy wives a couple of years ago, and they could not get anyone to participate. I would love suggestions from all of you as to what would help clergy spouses and what type of ministry you need. I will be addressing a group of clergy wives in a couple of months, and I plan to apply for a grant to start some kind of ministry to clergy spouses. I would love input from you- please respond by email. Maybe together, we can make a difference! God bless each and every one of you!

EDITH TERRY 6/22/2009 AM APASTORS WIFE FACING ALOT OF CHALLENGES IN THE MINISTRY AND HOME. I WOULD APPRECIATE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH OTHER PASTORS WIVES FOR PRAYERS AND FELLOWSHIP.

TMC 6/27/2009 I just wanted to thank all of you ladies for sharing your heart -the struggles, pain, frustration, advice, wisdom. I have been a pastor's wife for 4 1/2 years and it's been hard. I've hated it more than I've loved it because the people can be brutal. But God ministered to may heart the other day through Psalm 91:1. I've decided to find my place in God (the ministry I'm called to) and stay there.So, sisters be encouraged and keep your eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. The work He has begun in us He will complete it. Always remember (no matter what your lot is) He will perfect all that concerns us (Psalm 138:8). Be blessed!

PRAYING WIFE 7/1/2009 My husband was not a pastor when i married him. he just have been ordained a month a go.The problem is that he has lost his job .At the moment he is a good preacher and he relates well with the congragation but because of the fact that he lost his job his self esteem has gone down.I am scared that this is going to affect his abilities and the annointing that GOD has put in him. Ijust need a prayer from all the ordained spiritual mothers. He acts like everything is fine when he is with other people . Ilove him so much i just dont know how to help him .Please pray for us.

P.W. 1982 7/4/2009 My husband has been a pastor for 21 years and we have been married for 26 years. We are now at our fourth church in a small town. We love the people at our church and things are going pretty well. I work at a school and we have one child with special needs. We have been at this churh just over a year. The battle I am having right now is loneliness. I haven't found anyone that I have really connected with outside of church. We don't have any family in the area and I am really struggling with finding someone to talk to and visit with that I don't have to worry about what I say. Please pray. Thank you.

7/5/2009 I am with you ladies... in my spirit I know that God's purpose is being worked out in all of us. I love each and every one of you, and you are all my sisters. You are not crazy, not lazy, not a burden, and certainly not "less than"... You ARE called, precious, beautiful, worthy, and justified in your feelings. We are emotional beings and God made us that way for a reason. Stay encouraged! Remember who you were as a little girl, and never let go of your essence- you are that same lovely young lady on the inside now- even tho the world has beat you up. Protect that little girl! Give your hurt to Jesus, climb on His lap and tell Him everything. Let Him nurture you. He longs to shower you with love. He's listening, and He's on these boards with us. I love you all.

Searching Sal 7/20/2009 I have a question: My husband and I are ministers, wanting to pastor in a rural area. But right now, we are waiting on God's timing to move us. Our idea of being in ministry has certainly been different than we expected.

Anith 7/23/2009 It takes the grace of God to be the pastor's wife He wants you to be.I never dreamt of being a pastor's wife and being so has challenged me alot my husband is over taken by the congrgation and gives his family little or no time at all.But accepting it and allowing God grate us extra time is what has kept us a happy family

Claude's mom 7/29/2009 I could use some help. I am really struggling. My husband is a bi-vocational Pastor with a full-time job and a full-time ministry. He just recently accepted the Pastor's position. We have a 1 year old and a 20 year old. We came to Christ late in life so we live in the country with a large amount of animals and debt from our old way of life. We have been given a parsonage so our current house is on the market. I am overwhelmed completely and I think it is too hard for my husband to hear me right now b/c he too is overwhelmed. The problem is nothing is changing. He is attempting to carry all loads and not change any part of our life. We just sit and wait. I believe fully in waiting on God but then there is a time when we have to also make changes. We are in the process of doing something that we never dreamed we would have to do. We have several animals that are very important to us, we have always been lovers of animals and have worked to provide many with good homes. We are going to have to find them homes so that we can move and lighten our load. I/we understand that we have to give up a great deal to follow God and we trust that He will provide us with peace. It is just so hard. I feel like we keep waiting on God to help us and it is just that, waiting. Honestly, I feel alone right now. We are trying so hard to carry everything and just praying that God would hand us a break. I have searched for mentors and found a few but everyone is so busy it is hard for people to find the time. And honestly somedays I am embarrassed b/c I am just breaking down. We want to serve God with our whole hearts but something needs to give. I feel I have handed over my husband to Him and to the church and get limited time with/from him know which I can handle. If anyone could provide some support it would be greatly appreciated. We could also greatly use prayer for our home to sell if it is God's will and to find amazing, loving homes for our animals. We are just under so much pressure that sometimes it is just too much. Thank you

MSBLING 8/3/2009 I JUST WANT TO ADD ON TO WHAT EVERYBODY IS SAYING ABOUT PASTORS AND PASTORS WIVIES I AM TO A PASTOR WIVES AND I REALLY THOUGHT THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH THE PAIN AND THE HURT FOR ATTENTION FROM THIER HUSBAND. NOW I KNOW THAT THERE IS A GOD WHO KNOWS IT ALL. BECAUSE I WAS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH AND I THOUGHT TO JUST GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GO ANY FURTHER THEN I CAME ACROSS THIS WEB PAGE AND IT JUST GIVE ME SOME HOPE THAT IF SOMEONE ESLE IS GOING THROUGH THAN I CAN TO. BUT HUSBAND AS PASTOR I BELIVE IN MY HEART THAT THEY ARE SO SELF CENTER THAT THEY FORGET THAT ARE MARRIED. I ONLY BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 3YEARS AND WHEN WE GOT MARRIED HE WAS NOT THE PASTOR OF A CHURCH. AND EVEN AFTER HE TOOK THE POSITON OF BECOMING A PASTOR WE REALLY NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP AND NOW EVEN TO SAY WE STILL DON'T AND I OFTEN WONDER IF WE WILL EVER HAVE ONE. SO I JUST TAKE THIS TIME TO BULID MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRST BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT I CAN TALK TO. PLEASE HELP ME TO COPE WITH WHAT LIES AHEAD. CAN ANYONE HELP ME OR GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ON WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR OR WHAT TO EXPECT AND HOW TO HANDLE IT.

8/4/2009 I just became the pastor's wife last night, August 3, 2009 at 9:00 p.m. My husband was the associated minister at our church. Our pastor passed away back in March, 2009 and my husband being the associated minister has been carrying on the services, but last night the members elected him to become pastor of the Church. i will be needing plenty of spiritual guidances to help him fullfilled the responsibility of the church while helping the members also. In everthing I do I always put God first because I know for a fact he will direct our paths. I just need some support from the members and any help that i can received through your website. I appreciate any help that I can received to make my position as first lady successful. Thank You

realv 8/12/2009 i have a question. i have been married for 24 years. my husband has always been faithful in our married. we were not saved when we got married. god saved me frist then my husband. he became a minister aout two years afterward. he was the youth pastor of the church for 10 or more. for the last 4 years he has been unfaitful to me. he is 48 and is now dating a 22 year old girl. at frist he was dateing my best friend, who he moved in with. yes we are not together, and have not been for about 1 year now . i don't know what to do. i want to threw in the towel, but i don't want to fill that i'm giving upon God. please tell what you think.

Confused 8/17/2009 I am my husbands 3rd wife, things that he shared with me in the beginning of our relations or all popping up now 9 years laters, wait let me say they popped up 5 years later and I have been trying to deal with them and trust that God would fix it. Now 9 years later I am ready to throw in the towel.I took off work today to Pray and Meditate on the Word to convince myself not to divorce this man of God. I do fear the Lord. He has been Pastoring the same church for 19 years and the church membership is down 90%. I feel in my heart, that God is not pleased with hin and the way he treat or take care of his wife, in my mind I need to move so God can deal with him, When I married him I thought God brought us together and all that he shared with me he was ready to make the change to be a Good Husband, but he is doing or has done the same thing to me that he did to his other two wives. He says he does not want a divorce but his actions says different. In my study I researched the meaning on Love is Gods Eyes it took me to 1 Corithians 13: 4-7 Please I am so confused, I know what the word of God says I know how God feels about divorce. What do I do besides Pray????

Toni 8/19/2009 I have 2 ladies at the church who disrespect me. They call my husband (pastor) or he was calling them. Now one of the lady is lusting for him. I am hurt because her knew it and keep calling until I confronted him. She is married and sit in church like she in another world watching him. This is effective the God in me. Please tell me what to do?

growing up to be a kid:) 8/27/2009 Truely, if we would be asked to put all of our problems into a pile and then told to go and pick up another problem that was not your own, I know that all of us would go back and take back our old problem after returning the one we picked. My heart is broken for the things that my fellow pastor's wives go through. We each have very similar issues. I too am a PW. I Love the Lord and I can not imagine myself being anywhere else right now. (OK maybe I can IMAGINE... LOL but my heart pulls me to this place(pastoring) right now!) One of you said "remember, GOD chose you!) You see, most of us didn't choose this life for ourselves but God found pleasure in pairing us up with Men of God. The call is not just for HIM it is for YOU/US as well. Yes, I struggle with even saying that, but it is a fact. We are not to be invisible in the church we are to be The CHERRY ON TOP! LOL The enemy has determined to destroy the Kingdom by attacking those whom God called out into frontline ministries. Ladies if we know who our enemy is we can defend what is ours. Really, the fight is not even ours to fight...the battle belongs to the LORD. Im learning that we need to believe in ourselves and find other women in the same boat and sail away to find strength and support, but not that we stay in our pain, but that we heal one another. The word of God says, that we must confess our sins one to another, THAT we may be healed! amazing! God really did think of everything. Church people can over-complicate things, but Jesus said, unless we become like a child we will not even see the Kingdom of Heaven! WOW. we need to be like children...maybe we should pray, "Lord,search my heart and show me what I can do for me! and if there is nothing I can do, then you oh LORD, change me, because I have not the power to change myself let alone anyone else. So make me like a child again that I may see your Kingdom! God says to you today, YOU CAN MAKE IT! I will never leave you nor forsake you, come away with me my beloved and rest in my presence! I hope this encourages someone today! Im not some overly religious person, just a PW who got fed up too...I just decided to run into my daddy's arms again.

Ariel 8/30/2009 Hi, I just read an article about a pw calling an 800 number just to have someone to talk to and I relate. I would love to sit down and be able to talk to just one person. However, all of the relationships in my life seem very one sided and burn out doesn't seem to address how I feel justice. We have lost a baby along the way, I have helped my mother through severe depression and that relationship is now strained, and other losses and stresses as well. All unique, but just a lot. My husband and I have always had friends and related/ connected to people easily. But, after 6 years at our church, we feel incredibly isolated and lonely. We have a large family and I homeschool as well. BUT, I ENJOY those things. What makes our life very difficult is the weightiness of it all and feeling that we are so alone. Everything that we have, we feel that we have given and not having anyone that we feel that we can even share with regarding our personal lives is just too much anymore. I have even become insecure in social situations, wondering if something is wrong with me. I have tried counseling. And NO JOKE- the woman did a retreat for my church and let on to the entire group that she counseled me and asked for a show of hands for those who would pray for me until I got better. I could say more but my story, I'm sure, is already brinking on if not already unbelievable. I often ask my husband, "Has all of this really happened?". My relationship with the Lord has deepened immensely. My faith is strong as far as knowing now without a doubt that HE is real bc of how HE has ministered to me. BUT, we (our whole family) is lonely! Hubby is seriously considering another profession but don't know what he would do.... I would appreciate any Godly insight.. Thank-you.

Karen 9/13/2009 I am a pastors wife and have been for only two years. I have been married for 11 years and my husband has always been in the ministry, but it seems like since he has been pastoring, our marriage has went downhill. He leaves first thing in the morning, and comes back home 10,11,or maybe even 12 at night every single day. Our children see him, only on Sundays, and I cant remember the last time we have spent any real quality time together and he acts as if he's okay with this. I am very unhappy to the point that it has affected me spirtually and not only that,but I have looked outside my marriage for attention and affection because he shows me none. Our sex life is horrible. We MIGHT have sex once every two months, and if so, its because I initiated it. I dont even want to go back to church because i feel like he is not being supportive at home, so why should we continue to support him.Im to the point to where I dont know what to say or what to do and praying just seem so hard to do especially since ive been praying for years. Please help me because i am so ready to throw in the towel in every area of my life, but I know that God has brought me too far for me to give up now.

HELP!! 9/29/2009 Hello I have a lady in my church that is driving me crazy, maybe you have one too. She takes it upon herself to do things even when she is not asked and I have someone else doing it. I just want her to stop doing that, what do I do, she is not a deacons wife, I feel like saying you want my job you can have it! LOL

10/12/2009 I have been married to my husband who is a co-pastor at a real small church.(mostly pastor family) for 13mths. I am sad because he refuses to let me attend church with him, I go to my own church. Which I love but don't feel attached to it. I really believe I am supposed to be by my husbands side. I have two chilldren from a past relationship. At first he was loving, telling me how I will be attending church with him 3mths after we got married .....very attentive. But I've gained weight. He calls me unworthy , dumb...etc but says he's not cussing so it's ok to tell it how it is. I can't express my feelings at All I'm not seeeing a pastor... I'm seeing something else..he tells me I'm rebellious at every word I speak against his wishes. I don't have anyone to talk to. How an I love him when he won't receive it because I'm not what he wants anymore. Divorce is a word he loves to use. I can't stand that word..what can I do to show him God is bigger than his negative no-faith discouraging self.I Love him so much but he hard to be around. Help.....please

Had enough 10/14/2009 My husband is called to a church in a medium sized city. There have been problems at the church with people saying really stupid things, very hurtful and un-Christian like things. Every Sunday I walk into church knowing that someone will tell me they "don't want me there," "my husband is lazy or he is trying to kill the church," "other members know better what this church needs than I do." Things like that. It has come to the point where I would rather stay at home than go to church. My faith in God and His people is suffering. If I don't leave this church now, I may lose my faith entirely. Has anyone else been in this situation? My husband knows I am leaving and encouraged it in a way. I am doing the wrong thing...this is so difficult!

nee 10/16/2009 I am a pastor's wife and I am in need of a friend. I have been married for several years to a pastor. I didn't know being a pastor's wife would be so trying. If there is someone that can help me please help. I feel throww away. My husband seem to think the ministry is all he need. He acts as thought I am not a live. Help!!

lavon 10/18/2009 i am also a pastors wife. but i have found it so hard with pleasing the congregation. i want to be liked, but why can't i just be me. it is always something.you don't know how many nights i have cried. i'm not sure if my husband really understand. i can't be everthing in the church to everyone, but that is what is expected of me. it's like i don't have feeling. i can't never miss any functions,i am on about every board that we have .our church is very small about 60 members . i truly love the lord, but i have been looking for someone to talk to for a long long time. can anyone help. so many times i wished i was just a member and not a pw, because this really hurts

RUTHIE 10/19/2009 FOR ESTHER & "EVERYBODY" -- This is Ruthie. Sorry to be so cynical, discouraging and pessimistic, but a co-worker once told me, "Preachers have problems with two things -- money and women." I've also heard the expression, "If you wanna know where all the lonely women are in town, just ask the preacher." And where else can a man get so much admiration and ego-stroking as he can as pastor of a church?! In one Sunday night discussion, about well-known ministers who've been unfaithful to their wives, a church member said, "Preachers are human, too!" I felt like saying, "Well, PWs are human, too -- we can get jealous just like any other woman can!" Esther (?) wrote that "love is not jealous." Well, the Bible also says to be as "wise as serpents"...and I encourage you PW's to use your woman's intuition when you "notice" your pastor-husband and certain females :). And...Esther, even if we are PWs doesn't mean we're supposed to put our heads in the sand and refuse to look/see what's going on. And all those "poor, helpless women" he "counsels" while his attitude toward his own wife is that she can just go jump in a lake if SHE has any emotions or problems! Also, i'd say from so many of these entries, plus in my own experience, so many men in ministry tend to be DOGMATIC & CONTROLLING in their personal lives. Mentally and emotionally cruel and abusive to their wives, as well. Sad, but that's the way it is. [Yes, i know there are some exceptions. Yet based on this website, only a few appear to be exemplary, true Christian men and loving their wives as Christ loved the church.] One key is...does your pastor-husband ever preach on MARRIAGE? If so, listen to what he says about it! On a positive note (at last!), any denomination worthy of God will have publications/sermons which indicate that a pastor's number one priority, his top ministry, is his OWN FAMILY. In fact, the Bible says that if a man neglects those of his own house, he is worse than an infield. If he says he doesn't have "time" for his wife and children and/or the church won't give him the time, then they are both wrong--and something needs to be done/changed/improved. Secondly, all I can say is BE YOURSELF! If you don't know how to play the piano, don't! If you can't sing, don't; or at least make a joyful noise. If you can't teach, don't! If you're not a good cook, just do the best you can :). Just use your talent, whatever it is. Could be flower-arranging; making posters; doing the newsletter; sewing; visiting the sick; doing some research for your husband; baby-sitting; VBS recreation -- whatever! Church members want a pastor's wife who is AUTHENTIC, or not a fake! Don't try to be something or somebody you are not. Yet be friendly, and kind. Be concerned/ show concern for others. Pray for them. Don't play favorites... though the most difficult thing is to love those who aren't necessarily "likable" or "lovable." Remember that God is no respecter of persons! And keep your mouth shut at the appropriate times! Be slow to speak, slow to anger. Try to stay out of the feuds and arguments. Also, be real...this doesn't mean you have to reveal all your family's problems, but don't make them think you and/or your children are "perfect." If they can't "identify" with your struggles (and vice versa), how can you help them? Be a sympathizer and empathizer! I could go on and on...but my biggest piece of advice is to be yourself...after all, God made you! Oh, yeah...be humble...the PW is not necessarily the "First Lady" or the "Queen Bee" -- just be a church member first, ladies! Or, rather, be a Christian foremost :). With Love and Best Wishes To You All.

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