Rock Dove Publicationstoll-free (888) HIS-DOVE

Pastor's Wife's Support Board

The purpose of this page is to support and encourage pastor's wives.  If you are a pastor's wife and have a question, helpful suggestion, or response to another question or suggestion, please fill out the form and click submit.  Responses will be added later.  Let's help each other!
Page 2

Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6
Page 7
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
Page 11
Page 12
Page 13
Page 14
Page 15
Page 16
Page 17
Page 18
Page 19
Page 20
Page 21
Page 22
Page 23 - Current Page

Small Town PW  10/11/97  I have been a pastor's wife since the day I was married almost nine years ago.  Our first church was rural and now we are in a small town.  Being a city girl, it has been a real education and stretching experience in many ways.  God has challenged me and deepened my relationship with Him and others.  One of the greatest areas of growth has been in learning to pray earnestly for my husband and family in the spiritual realm.  What are some of the ways that any of you have learned to pray for your husbands?

City Slicker PW  10/13/97  I'm more of a suburb-Suzi that has ended up in what seems like an inner-city ministry.  Let's face it, life isn't easy being away from what is comfortable for us.

Small Town PW  10/15/97  The Lord has been teaching me some neat things lately about the circumstances that come in our life.  He has shown me first hand that He can provide joy despite our circumstances, but last night He was teaching me about what His will is for me in my circumstances - to be thankful.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (NIV, emphasis mine)  Instead of fighting my circumstances internally, I should be giving thanks.  Our women's Bible study is starting a new book called Firming Up Your Flabby Faith by Vicki Lake.  It is a study of the book of James.  She points out that we are to be better, not bitter; a victor, not a victim.  We certainly have choices to make!

City Slicker PW  I couldn't agree more.  The Lord showed me the same thing when Paul was in prison.  The angel broke open the doors, but the men chose to remain until the timing was right.  We can be free in the Spirit, experience God's presence, but still not be where we want to be.  It has to come from within.

Small Town PW  The Lord showed me another passage!  2 Corinthians 12:10 -- "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  (NIV)

Marie  10/18/97  How does a pastor's wife deal with a husband who gives 24/7 to the church and leftovers (if anything) to the family?

Rachel  10/20/97  Your question sounds very familiar and I'm afraid that it is all too common.  I think one of the problems with the ministry is that there is so much to do and it is all valuable and good.  How can we, as pastor's wives, say, "No, honey.  I'm more important than telling Joe Smoe about the Lord"?  I'm seriously thinking of writing a book How to Be the Husband of the Pastor's Wife.  My husband tells me that I would need to get a different title if I want pastors to read it.  There are two things that have helped me (I'm definitely open to other suggestions).

  1. Pray, pray, pray.  Present your requests to the Lord and it is helpful to be specific.  What exactly would you like to see happen?  The Lord has graciously answered my prayers when I was being specific.
  2. Look to the Lord to meet your needs.  When I look to my husband to meet my needs, I just get frustrated.  The Lord can fulfill your needs in ways that your husband can't.
I'll be praying for you!

Ben  4/22/98  I think the book idea is a great one.  I would read it.

Margo  I certainly don't have a quick answer for your question, but I do know what has helped my marriage, Marie.  First, I prayed that God would work in my husband's heart to desire to be more available to me and our family.  Secondly, I communicated with him my concern, without nagging.  Then I tried to encourage him and positively reinforce him when he did take time for us.  If you create a welcome, warm atmosphere, that will be part of the draw for him to desire to be at home.  Often our husbands look for that affirmation outside the home, because that's where all of the reinforcement comes from.  He is appreciated when he minsters to people.  Well, we need to appreciate him when he ministers to us as well.  Godspeed.

Jack Stalwart  Marie, as a pastor who is struggling with this same problem, there may be certain root reasons in your husband's life of which he himself is not aware.  Here are some that I have become aware of.

  1. I have been trying to break down the stereotype that pastors only work one day a week. Although people often say things jokingly about how little a preacher does - it does hurt - and is certainly not (for the most part) true.  I believe this is especially true in smaller churches.  There is a perception that fewer people - less work.  However, there are also unspoken expectations to do other tasks.  Examples: shovel snow, type bulletins, mow church lawn, clean, etc.
  2. Coupled with the first reason is that, in my family's farm background, the importance of work was strongly emphasized.  However, on the other hand, those who were slothful were almost committing an unpardonable sin.
  3. Another would be my fear of mere humans.  Afraid of being criticized for being lazy.  We should work hard - God did for six days, but He also set the example - and rested.
I will also be praying for you.

Sharon  3/25/98  I also have a workaholic pastor/husband.  Our solution has been to purchase a used RV/camper.  Unless there is an emergency or crisis, I now know that we will pile in the camper Friday after school and be gone until late Saturday afternoon.  It is the only way to guarantee 24 hours off a week.  It keeps me sane knowing that regardless of everything else that is going on, we will have that time together as a family.  We drive two old cars in order to have this camper and use it 9 to 10 months of the year.  Sometimes we just drive to a relative's house and "camp out" in their yard or driveway.  Other times we hang out in a mall or store parking lot (usually, if you ask permission to spend the night, they will agree) or local/county/state park.  And then, when finances permit, we will go to a campground with a pool, playground, etc.  We have found that what really matters is that we are away from the parsonage, church, phone, etc. and it has proved to be a real blessing!

Carol  5/25/98  The "leftovers" you spoke of come from a huge effort on your husband's part to maintain his life, his church, his wife, and children.  Be sure not to belittle these efforts.  Don't call them leftovers.  It is your husband taking the time he could use to take a nap or read the paper, and instead spend it with you and the kids.  You (all of us) are an oasis in a desert of busy schedules that comes with being a pastor.  Be there when he needs you.  Don't make him think he has missed the boat.  Love him and his profession unconditionally.

Victory  2/23/02  If your husband seems to be spending more time with the church than with you, I would suggest that you communicate to him your feelings about this in a loving,non-threatening way.  It always help to pray before appraoching him. Ask God to give you fun ways to spend time, preparing his favorite meal,scheduling a get-together with another couple,etc. In addition share with God in prayer your feelings, your anger, your pain,your resentment toward the church, because if we are not careful we will become angry at those who in our eyes are coming between us and our husbands. I can identify with you and I feel your pain. Be assurred God is ably to do exceeding abundantly above that that we ask or think.  I will be praying for you and countless others who have, or who are experiencing the same thing. Love you!!
Back to Top

Margo  10/30/97  What do you all do when your husband is unfairly attacked verbally by people in the church?  Is there ever a time when it is appropriate to say something to someone who has really hurt your husband?  Or should I just encourage my husband as best as possible and stay out of it?  I get really angry when I see that he is hurt by some very blatant attacks.  How do I keep it from affecting our home life?  (i.e. my husband is angry at someone in the church, and he takes it out on us at home?)  Any ideas?

Carol  5/25/98  You should protect your husband only after he has protected himself.  Don't take his place, but rather support his place.  Voice your opinion when appropriated, even if it is contrary to certain church members.  Make your position known.  The "real" church members will be depending on you to do so.  Your husband (your pastor) should do the same for you.  He should allow you to take care of yourself, but be willing to step in and join with you in the face of conflict.

Back to Top

Rock Dove Publications  10/29/97  We have received a request for a list of books and materials of help to pastor's wives.  What have you found helpful?  Thanks.

Ronnelle  11/21/97 Help! My Husband Has Two Wives by Debra Morton (wife of Bishop Paul Morton); Today's Minister's Wives by Weptonomah Carter (wife of Pastor Harold Carter); and Sick and Tired of Being a Minister's Wife by Shirley Wise (wife of Pastor C. Dexter Wise).

Lisa  1/1/98  There's a Snake in My Garden, by Jill Briscoe.  This book was given to me to read by a friend many years ago, before I became a "pastor's wife."  I loved this book then and waited for years to finally get my own copy!  Mrs. Briscoe really shares openly and honestly regarding her own struggles as a pastor's wife. . .and uses humor so well!  This book is most encouraging, challenging, and thought-provoking!  A "must-read" for every future and present "pastor's wife!",

Debby  3/28/98  Books I have read and enjoyed are: Heart to Heart with Pastor's Wives by Lynne Dugan.  In this book twelve women share the wisdom whey have gained as partners in ministry.  Counsel for Pastor's Wives by Diane Langberg.  Dr. Langberg is a psychologist who offers answers to fourteen questions from pastor's wives.  The Guilt-Free Book for Pastor's Wives by Ruth Senter.  Renewal on the Run by Jill Briscoe.  Then a book that isn't directed to pastor's wives, but has great insight is How to Care for the Whole World and Still Take Care of Yourself by Peg Rankin.  Hope you enjoy these.

Ema  5/13/98  Married to a Pastor's Wife by H.B. London, Jr. & Neil B. Wiseman made a world of difference for me!  Prior to reading it, I felt really frustrated trying to know where I could possible fit it.  And many times felt that I just didn't fit in at all.  I married at age 39 for the first time, became a wife as well as a PW all in an instant.  I also relocated from So. California to Idaho 3 days after our wedding... big change for me!  I've needed lots of help and still do.. but, I'll say, that book really was a blessing to me, our home church, and I'm sure my husband - since my attitude received an overhaul!  God Bless you!

Rock Dove Publications Please note that these books may be wonderful, but Rock Dove Publications has not read them and can not therefore give a solid recommendation.

A Pastor's Wife  1/13/98  I'm interested in books that deal with being a "pastor's wife" and being yourself.  Creating a balance in the home-life and the ministry.  Where could I find such books and articles.  Thanks.

RTS  3/25/98  I am interested in any material, books, psy. journal articles on depression and pastors wives... any suggestions on where to look?  Thanks!

Back to Top

Sharon  11/2/97  Our congregation is growing dramatically and for this I am very thankful.  However, I find myself overwhelmed by the needs of the people.  With so many people and so many needs, it seems difficult to know where to begin and where to end.  My husband and I certainly can't do it all.  Our people are good and take care of each other but we are caught in that middle ground where so many people still expect the pastor to be intimately involved in every situation.  I know part of the problem is one of growth.  How have others successfully made the transition from small to medium to large congregations?  How did you adjust to the ever-changing role?

MoVal PW  2/13/97  Sharon, knowing when to meet a real need and when to say "no" is the hardest part of a compassionate caring ministry, right?  In my 19 years in the ministry as Pastor's wife, Worship Leader, Choir Director, Counselor, Associate Pastor, Friend and Need-Meeter.... the most helpful resource that sent me to the Bible and inside of my own conflicts is the book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries.  This book gave me permission to take care of myself, my children, my husband and the original calling by God as our church grew.  Satan can use your fast growth as a way to create conflict within the leadership and certainly the Pastor's home!  You cannot pastor a large church with the same involvement level with individuals as a small church -- you already know this! Choosing 3-5 women that you will invest your time in developing, discipling and mentoring is modeling the way that Jesus expanded his ministry.  Those who are not chosen by you to be in this group will be hurt, angry, and possibly even vindictive.  That pretty much shows you where they are in their "readiness" for this role -- they are showing their own "neediness" over their "readiness" to love maturely and learn to lovingly disciple others.  Being close to the Pastor's wife or the Pastor himself is a badge of honor or importance that many people need.  That is why they go to a smaller church.  Often, they have no idea that they are fighting the very thing that they say they are praying for -- the growth of your church, adding to God's Kingdom!  They are content to see it grow as long as they don't see themselves "losing their position" of importance in the circle surrounding the Pastor's home.  Watching this happen, and losing close friends to the growing of a successful ministry is very painful.  Changes That Heal and Boundaries have helped us tremendously -- and I regret that I did not realize what was happening to myself and my friends until too late to save some very precious relationships.  I miss these women and have grieved for our friendship -- but now know that God has a better plan for healthier relationships!

Back to Top

Mika  11/3/97  I am a 25 years old pastor's wife.  My husband is also 25 and has been pastoring for about 6 months.  Being a pastor's wife can be very lonely.  How do other pastor's wives deal with the loneliness of our roles?  You can't get too close with members of the fellowship and you can't say too much to members of the fellowship,etc., etc.  Does this artform just come over time?  And does a pastor's wife learn not to take on the burdens of her husband's anguish and pain, when the only thing you can do is PRAY?

Kay  1/7/98  Hi, Mika.  I've been a pastor's wife for eight years and before that was co-founder with my husband in a crisis center.  When I first became a pastor's wife, I felt as if I was being watched and I had a role to fill.  That is a lonely place to be.  I finally realized that if others are responding to me negatively, I need to go to God with it and allow Him to talk to them.  It allowed me to be myself, mistakes and all.  I've been through many situations where I spoke up and then left the rest to the Lord.  (Imperfect children, my role, whose house is the parsonage, just to name a few.)  I often feared reactions to things that never came, like when my teenage son came home with a mohawk late Saturday evening.  Through education, my church family sees me as just one of the girls.  I am able to share my faults and failures with them without fear.  Just pray and be yourself.  Don't be afraid to open up.  Sometimes reactions to us are caused by others feeling we must be perfect.  After all, God called our husbands to be pastors.  If that's what it took, there would be no pastors!!!

Bea Kay  1/13/98  I have been a pastor's wife for fifteen years.  I worked part-time for many of those years, full-time for the past year-and-a-half.  I have found that the friendships I established at work made a huge difference in how lonely I felt in the community in which my husband served.  I have always worked in a community apart from where he ministered.  This too helped me rise above the turmoil going on in the church: I didn't get so wrapped up in it as I did when the church was our only source of support, our only social outlet, the only thing we had to talk about.  We have been through MANY trials in the pastorate.  Currently, my husband is pastoring part-time (if there is such a thing!) and I am providing the majority of financial support for our family.  (We have four children.)  It is a very different scenario than I ever dreamed of, but I have learned that sometimes God calls us to do the unusual, the unexpected, the very thing that we may have been skeptical of others doing; all to accomplish His will for us, and to produce growth.

SewBren  11/8/97  Mika -- I have been a pastor's wife for 16 years.  We have always pastored small country churches.  When we were married I had no clue that God would call my husband to the ministry of preaching.  On top of preaching he is also a supervisor at a large company.  What God has taught me through the years is that I am my husband's wife.  This comes first and foremost before the pastor's wife!  We share in the ministry together but also I know that God called my husband to be the leader and I am the helpmate.  I have enough burdens of my own, raising the family and ministering as God would have me.  I used to try to help solve all the problems of the church until we realized that it was not necessary for me to know all the troubles of the church.  That is why God created Deacons and Leaders of the church.  We have an agreement that I can put family times on the calendar -- that way he can honestly say that he has another appointment at that time.  This does not always work, but it sure helps.  Also, try kidnapping your husband sometime for an overnight stay somewhere.  Tell the other men in charge of the church that your husband needs a break and they generally will understand.  Remember -- you are his wife first, then the pastor's wife!

Brenda  11/26/97  SewBren: I read your response and am in a similar situation.  My husband of 24 years has decided to leave his teaching job at a community college and go to seminary.  We have two children, 14 and 8.  Both boys.  I'll have to go to work fulltime, which doesn't bother me.  I haven't worked fulltime since my 14 year-old was born.  Any suggestions for getting us all through seminary?  Don't know which area of ministry he'll go into, but he'll have to pastor a church for 3 years before he can branch out into specialty areas.  We're 45.  Going to be quite a change.  Ignorance is bliss I guess.  I'm both excited and nervous.  Don't know what kind of role I'll take as a pastor's wife, but I know I'm a wife first and a mother.  I want to be a strong support system for my husband, but he's the one who has been called.  Does that make sense?  I enjoy the church and am very proud of him, but like I said, I'm a little nervous about being in a "fish bowl" when he's a pastor.  Is that a fair way to put it?  Will look forward to your response.

Kathy  2/6/98  Dear Mika, I know how you feel.  I couldn't say that a few months ago.  I thought that there was something wrong with me.  I wondered why God would put this obstacle in my life.  That is how I looked at it.  Not as a blessing, but an obstacle.  My husband is still in seminary, works full-time, and is also the associate pastor and the youth pastor at our church.  I felt as if I was playing tug of war.  I was at one end, God at the other end, and my husband in the middle.   I felt if I dare ask him to do something for me or take time JUST FOR ME, then I was asking him to take time away from God's work.  I felt that I was going to be responsible for someone not becoming a Christian, because I was taking him away from doing God's work.  What kind of Christian would do that?  That is the way I felt then.  Now, I realize that I have to tell him when he is forgetting about me and my daughter.  My daughter had even made the remark that it seemed to her that Daddy was busy worrying about everyone else's kid but his own.  That really hurt.  It won't be easy to tell him, because we all feel that we should not say anything demeaning to our husbands, we all know that he gets enough of that from other people.  But it is very important to communicate.  I don't mean a one-sided conversation either.  Ask him to set down with you and listen to you and your feelings.  You don't want him to tell you how you can fix your problems.  You want him to realize that he is not making time for you.  Then love you SO much that he will make the decision to make you the second in his list of priorities.  God being first, of course.  I have also found out that if you can help him in his ministry, it will become our ministry instead of his ministry.  I still have to tell my husband when he is forgetting about me, and it still upsets him when I do, but the one thing I forgot to do for a long time was to turn it over to God.  I kept sending up flags, hints, and signals to my husband.  And when he didn't see them it just made me more mad.  It kept reinforcing that feeling that he wasn't interested in me any more.  But the real truth is that I was expecting him to be able to read my mind.  He couldn't do that.  No one can.  I was expecting him to do something that no person in the world can do.  But when I realized that by talking to God and telling him my problems, I was talking to the one person that could do something about it.  I'm sorry if it seems that I am babbling, but I don't want any wife to feel that there is something wrong with her because she doesn't feel the same desire that her husband does about his ministry.  God has different jobs for all of us.  You have to ask God to show you what yours is and then ask HIM to show it to your husband and let your husband realize that yours is just as important as his.  Don't give up.  God won't give up on you.  I know you may feel as though you didn't ask to become a minister's wife, but God would not, and did not, call just your husband into this ministry.  He called both of you.

Debby  3/28/98  Dear Brenda and SewBren, you can do this!!!!!!  After seventeen years in law enforcement my husband, at the age of forty-one, decided to leave his job and go to seminary full-time.  It meant some changes for me and our two kids.  My son was ten and my daughter was eight.  I went back to work full-time and they got used to daddy having to study ALOT!!!  But we all got through it and our faith grew by leaps and bounds.  Some months we just didn't know where the money was coming from and even today we still don't know how we made it.  But God was faithful and He provided.  We found that if my husband used up until dinnner and after 9:00pm to have his classes and study, the kids seemed happy.  That gave us dinner and until 9:00pm to be with dad.  And on those days that he needed more time than that, they were happy to help out and give up their time.  They felt like they were part of his studying then.  Also I found that getting involved with the spouse's group at his school helped me.  If there isn't one where your husband is going, at least try to get to know some of the wives of the other students.  No one will understand what you are dealing with or feeling better than them.  It makes for great prayer support.  Also, in trying to encourage them, I found that I was helping my own attitude.  It won't be easy to feel like you fit in at first because most of them will be a lot younger, but soon it doesn't seem to matter.  We are now doing a new church start in a town about three hours away from what we called home for many years.  It's hard work, but Steve loves what he is doing and God has gifted him.  We have about sixty-five people worshipping on Sundays now.  I believe because I was married to him before the ministry and had time to find out who I am and who we are as a couple it has been easier not to fall into the trap of trying to meet everyone's expectations.  So far in four years of ministry and two churches I haven't had the "fish bowl" feeling.  I feel like my call is to Steve and my kids, and I work hard at making their lives as "normal" as possible.  They are both in high school now and both seem happy with the changes we have had to make.  I will be praying for your family, but fully believe you will look back on this time with fond memories.  May God go with you.

Angie  7/24/98  I, too, am 25 and have been put into the role of Pastor's wife since the moment I said my vows to my husband.  I have several close friends, all who live very far away.  Our church is rural and has a congregation of 30-40 members.  The thing that bothers me is that there is NO ONE my age here.  I am the youngest woman in the congregation and sometimes feel very left out and very young.  I am sure
that the ladies here do not mean to make me feel this way, it's my fault, however, I find now that I stick very much to myself when not in a church setting.  Meaning, I stay at home much of the time and entertain myself.  I knew that this calling on my life would be tough, but I never imagined all that went with it.  I have only been married a year and a month.  My husband is also in seminary for one more year and we travel to the church on the weekends during the school year which means we are busy most of the time.  I would love to have someone to talk to on the internet, via e-mail if anyone wants to talk with me.  This computer is my link to the outside world.  It's so nice to know that there is a place like this to interact!

Ema  7/30/98 I'm 43 and I also became a Pastor's wife the moment our vows were sealed!  How funny, you're young and I seem to be 'lost' in the ages thing in our congregation! I was 39 then.  Most of our couples are in their 20's-early 30's and the others are in their 50's-60's!  I'm the only woman in her 40's. Can you imagine?  And do I get lonely sometimes for some 'mature' chit chat! Mature, meaning that it seems that I feel like I'm constantly teaching the younger ladies & moms about life and the Lord.  Sometimes I feel like the wicked witch of the South - when correcting is necessary.. gee, I wish the Pastor's wife would take care of these things! I guess I'm she, huh!  I know what you mean about entertaining yourself, too. mmm hhmm..  You can E-mail me if you'd like:  I have some links I know you'll love.

Angie  8/6/98  The Lord is so good to all of us!  After I wrote here the first time I was reunited with a friend I worked with at summer camp.  Because she was also heading down the aisle to marry a Pastor, we vowed to one another that we would keep in contact to be a support for one another.  After almost 2
years I found her and we have been communicating regularly by email.  I am still lonely for some close friends, but she has been a blessing to me.  I wonder if you all might think of her in your prayers.  I know if she had the internet she would get on here herself and ask a zillion questions about this calling we all have in common.  Anyway, she, her husband, and their new little baby boy(2mths) have just moved to a new church.  It's a big adjustment for them all, especially since they also have a new little boy.  She is having a very strange problem with a lady in the church who will drop in unexpectantly and take over her house.  She takes the baby from my friend and continues to go on about how this little boy should have a new mama, how she is his Nanna, and so on.  This is upsetting for my friend and she wonders what in the world she can say to this lady to get her to stop being this way.  Any ideas??

Lisa  8/12/98  If your friend is not careful this woman will try to take over more than her baby!   She needs to nicely, but firmly tell this woman that God gave her and her husband to child too raise and that
her opinions are welcome but not necessary going to be used each time.  She needs to be firm, but loving and kind.

Lisa  9/13/98  I read your previous entry and know exactly how you were feeling.  I still feel that way sometimes.  I am 27 years old and have been a pastor's wife since we got married 1 year and 1 month ago.  Most of the people in our church are older than me.  The ladies try to be sweet to me but I need friends closer to my age too.  I have one good friend but she is a church member.  I feel like I can't get too close to her because I might say too much or something.  My husband warns me not to say this or that to her.  My close friends live about 800 miles away.  I would love to have someone to E-mail to who can understand the obvious frustrations that accompany being a PW.

Angie  9/21/98  Lisa....Things are the same with me as usual.  Although I am not sure if we will be staying at this church for a whole lot longer.  In the Spring, my husband graduates from seminary and we will likely be called to another church.  The one we are at now is more like a "student" ministry, so they say.  I am still lonely though.  It's hard being there without people my own age.  The ladies are very sweet, but as you said, it's nice to talk with someone who is within a few years of your age.  I also find
that because I am the youngest, that I am looked to do everything!!!  "Angie is young, she can lead singing,,,,they are young, let them deal with the youth...they are young, let them take care of the parsonage and all the yard work.."  (The yard work thing is a whole other story!)  Anyway, I am sure that all this will pass, as everything has a habit of doing...

Joey-Ann  4/2/02  I thought it was bad dating a pastor (because the congregation could decide not to keep you!), but found many more struggles being the wife!  The phrase "Great Expectations" kept coming to mind...  I married at 22 (now 26) and hit the ground running (they got ahold of us on our honeymoon!!!).  I often felt VERY alone because there was no one my age that I could relate to.  I had a huge identity crisis (anyone with me here?).  I felt like I had to be some great heroine.  I grew up in CA and not in church so when I became the PW in a small town in KY, I was in a shock of many kinds...  People ask me what it is like being a pastor's wife and I had no idea what they meant!  "Who? What?"  To me, I thought we weren't any more special then a "carpenter's wife" or a "plumber's wife" - and we aren't!  We just have a heart big enough to be a big part of the church staff that volunteers her all to help the cause.  I believe that many PW's would give just as much if she were just a "layman."  But our call is to serve our husbands who have special needs. I struggled also with not knowing where I fit in to his schedule.  As a single pastor, he had plenty of time to devote to everyone.  This was hard for him to adjust and for the people to adjust when we got married! We are both learning to utilize the gifts of the people in the church.  We ask (poke and prod...) people to help us out for even the littlest things like changing light bulbs.  Most people want to feel important, but don't know how they can help.  These little things create more time for us too!  I also spent a lot of time with teens because we could relate.  At first I thought they would think I was acting like a child (they did), but God is awesome!  That time spent with those kids helped them by having a consistent role model and someone to talk to.  Now the kids are much more involved in church.  The adults are seeing that fruit and see my "youth" as an asset to reach the next generation.  I am still very silly most times (it's more fun!) and am naive to being a Pastor's wife (what DOES the mean anyway???).  But use your resouces, the older are more than pushy, uh, willing to help you learn.  I learn a lot and am very thankful for them (don't forget to tell them this!)!  They can seem harsh and judgemental at times, but they are able to give you a gift and they enjoy it.  Take criticism lightly and be yourself.  They didn't seem to like "myself" at first but if you truly love like Christ, that always shines through and warms their hearts.  They still rolled their eyes when I joined the puppet team or had a slumber party for the teen girls, but they are loving every bit of it!  Keep your hear pure for God and let him handle the rest!  Hang out with the teens or go out and find some!  I may not have that "best friend bond" right now, but God will provide that in due time and he has blessed me with a wide variety of friends (better than all those non-Christians at work!). Don't let the devil tell you there is no one to relate too because you are young or different.  No one is like you and that is how HE wanted it!  Praise God for that and enjoy the diversity He is offering you to experience! In the mean time, I am just enjoying being the "baby PW"! You get lots of help with hosting families and dinners (and clean up!). Write me!  I need support too!  This is a great page!

Back to Top

Marcia  11/20/97  My husband and I are in limbo while we wait for a pastorate.  We have stayed at his parents and are now at mine.  We await our visas for the States as we are in Canada.  Please pray for us.  Thanks!

Marcia  3/22/98  As above stated, my husband and I are waiting for a position in a church.  We have been accepted into two churches.  The first one, last summer we said no to for various reasons and the second was in the States (we live in Canada) and we waited for the visas for what seemed like an eternity.  The church and we, as a couple, decided that we waited long enough and we have gone our separate ways.  We are again waiting to find a church, candidate, etc...  It sometimes feels that we have made wrong decisions or have just not been wise in the decisions that we have made.  At the time, we felt peace and that we were making the best decisions that we could.  I guess my question is: when do you know what is the right church and decision to make on where to candidate and where to minister?  This has been a very confusing time for us and we are so scared of making another "wrong" decision.  The last three years have been very difficult in the way that we have had 4 miscarriages and lost a son shortly after delivery and that was in the 2-1/2 years that we were in our first church as Youth Pastor.  If anyone can lend us their wisdom, we would appreciate it.  God Bless.

Pat  3/25/98  I read your entry with much concern several times, thinking someone would have responded to you by now.  As I read it again this morning, I felt compelled to respond so I prayed for Him to give me the words to say.  First I would like to convey my sympathy for your losses.  I have never suffered a miscarriage or the loss of a child after birth so I cannot say I know how you feel, but I do know that every conception is precious to our Father and He knows how to comfort and heal the brokenhearted.  May I ask this question?  Have you specifically prayed and asked "Lord, would YOU please find the church that YOU want us to pastor and open the door for us to begin the work?"  If you've done that and you are still waiting, then He must have a good reason for the delay.  If you haven't and you are still trying to find the church yourself, then perhaps the Lord is waiting for you to ask HIM to find the right church.  I don't know all the circumstances surrounding your search, but I can tell you from experience that when we trust our own decision making abilities, we usually end up regretting it and wondering where we went wrong.  More often than not, when we trace our steps backwards, we find that somewhere along the line we neglected to specifically ask our Father what to do.  The Bible tells us that "....he that lacks wisdom, let him ask God..." Perhaps it's time to go back before the Throne and ask Him for specific and clear direction, and then wait.  He is sure to respond in His time and His way.  I will be praying for you, dear.

Back to Top

Working Pastor's Wife  1/3/98  We have pastored three churches in different cities of different sizes.  Our current church where we have been for three years is in a city outside Toronto.  We love the church, but find that due to the cost of housing, etc., I must work full-time.  I am grateful that God has provided me with a good job, but I am mourning the loss of time to minister and be involved with the church.  A mother of two kids (12 and 9), I am busy after work and week-ends.  I would love to quit work, but we tried the first two years we were here for me to be home and we ended up in a serious financial crunch.  We live modestly, but have just never accumulated enough assets to afford our current cost of living.
      A big part of me would like to stay home on faith. . . but another part of me believes God knows my heart and could provide if He wanted me at home.  I am the only believer in my workplace and I believe God may want me to get ouside of my comfort zone and serve as His voice at work.  Any comments?

Kay  1/7/98  Dear Working Pastor's Wife: I was in exactly your situation a few years ago.  Since I was saved twenty years ago, I had worked fulltime for the Lord.  The last eight years as a pastor's wife.  About six years ago, I decided to go to work.  I worked for two-and-a-half years in a professional job.  Unfortunately, the negative outweighed the positive.  We had more money, but my heart was still in ministry and so I tried to do both jobs.  I was too tired to really take care of my husband.  My seven children are grown, but there was no time for family things.  I began to dread Sunday Mornings, Bible study nights, etc.  I finally had to step out in faith, cut back, and pray.  I looked at the overall picture and found we went up a tax bracket and I wasn't near as happy and content.  I quit.  God supplied our needs and recently, through an inheritance, I will not have to work again.  Needs were met through many avenues.  (I'll share that another time.)  My advice is to pray that God will open doors for extra money in other ways besides a 9-5 job.  As he opens doors, step out in faith.  I'll pray for you.  Kay

Working Pastor's Wife  1/11/98  Kay, thanks for your encouragement.  Just knowing I am not alone helps.  My husband and I are going to give it a six-month trial and then assess how our life, home, marriage, etc. has been impacted.  In the meantime, I just need to wait on the Lord for my strength and comfort.  I know that He has provided this job and I am going to see where He is working in the company and join Him in it.  Perhaps someone needs to hear the Gospel?

Carol  5/25/98  Hang in there!  I work fulltime and so does my husband.  We have a child and a church with 75 members.  The time I have with him is usually in church.  Sometimes, I peek into the office at home (converted garage) and take comfort in seeing him busily typing on the computer.  He is building character and we all benefit from that.  Also, I am a medical transcriptionist which allows me to work at home sometimes and to be paid on production, not just hours.  My salary is (pretty much) what I make it.  Also, PRAY for more time to spend productively.

Back to Top

newbeginner  1/6/98  My husband is starting a ministry.  I am so afraid.  I really don't want to leave my church that I am in.  I want my family to stay together.  We have two children.  Any words of advise?

Been There, Done That!!!  1/9/98  When we have a call of God on our lives, we have to trust God for the leading He will give in our lives.  The worst part is waiting for the answer to His call.  When my husband and I started in the ministry 26 years ago, we had no idea where He would lead us.  Now, as we look back, it has all been exciting (not always the way we would have chosen, but always interesting).  As to leaving a church you have always been a part of, trust me, they will never forget to pray for you.  That is the wonderful thing about the family of God.

Name (if you want to remain anonymous, simply put a pen name)

E-Mail address

Ideas, Questions, or Responses (if response, please indicate to which entry you are responding)